Author's Note

Unsure if I'm an insensitive bastard or this is maybe not that sensitive?... I can imagine someone getting offended by periods or Nazis, however I'm just not.

Episode 2: Catering a Careful Kidnapping

Character Sheet:
Jacob
Jimmy
Twilight
Spike
Fluttershy

Twilight was in her library, stacking books in an annoyance, thinking, “Why did that pussy ass dragon bitch need to get squashed by that damn Spaghetti Monster, when he could be doing this and not me?...” As she was shelving the last book into place, they all collapsed on her, revealing a strange looking book.

“Who’s the shit brained asshole who awoke me from my nap?!” screamed Jacob, who was lounging naked on the couch.

Twatbright snapped up the book and studied the front cover “Necromancy For Dummies™”? Just what I need!” she yelled.

“What are you going on about?” Jacob lazily asked, as he hopped off the couch.

“Oh nothing much, just some scrub level necromancy, want to help me bring Spike back? It’ll be fun~” replied Twilight with an evil smile.

“Take that rapey look off your face and I’ll gladly help, right after my Uniform dries off in the dryer. I brought no other pair of clothing with me when I fled to this realm of technicolor ponies. What do we need?” said Jacob.

“Well, it says here that the soul needs a host, probably one small enough to fit the soul of a baby dragon... do you think that Fluttershy would be okay with us using one of her cats?” inquired Twilight.

“Which one? The one untouched except for the use of tampons or the other ones? Cause she’d be okay with the second, not the first.” With that, Twilight slammed the old book shut and levitated Jacob his clothes, which she dried using her magical fart powers and galloped with Jacob to Fluttershy’s house.

Once they arrived to her small cottage she was no where to be found.

“Where is that little yellow bitch?” questioned Jacob.

“She’s probably stalking kids on their way back from school, something about them being her ‘prey’ or something, I dunno.” replied Twilight.

“But it’s okay that she isn’t here, I don’t think she’d care really care if we took a cat, so I don’t really see the issue of just taking it. Just be sure not to take her tampon cat” yawned Twilight.

“Wait, what? What do you mean by ‘tampon cat’? When I said the tampon thing earlier I mean her vagina” said Jacob.

“Well apparently she uses one of the cats as a tampon, weird right? Like why doesn’t she just use rats like a normal person” sighed Twilight. Jacob stared at Twilight dumbfounded, but wanted to move the fucking plot along instead of wasting more time by asking dumbass rat period based questions. After realizing how much fucking time they were wasting, Jacob pulled out his god damned overpowered as shit MP40 and shot the fucking door down like the motherfucking boss he is. The two stepped into the house where a door used to be (Wonder where it went…) and search for a cat.

After stepping over the many animal corpses littering the ground, Jacob found a blood covered cat, picked it up, and yelled “GOT THE CAT!” and sprinted out the door.

The 2 return back to the Library, Jacob sets out to washing the blood off the cat, only to find that the blood doesn’t come off… or it’s scent of a decaying corpse.

“You ready yet?” shouted Twilight.

“Just a sec, I can’t get the blood off this damn cat…” Jacob shouted back, annoyed.

“Forget that, just get that dirty pussy in here already you fucking Nazi faggot!” Jacob hauled the gore reeking cat back into the library and put it in the center of the pentagram along with Spike’s dead body. Twilight retrieved the book and began chanting “Ego hoc mando anima habeat istam deus damnati corpus.” As she continue the chant the room started to get cold, and a strange light began to illuminate from the cat’s chest.

“What the fuck!?!?” screamed Fluttershy, standing amongst the carnage of animals, and dropping her photos of foals and phillys. She scrambled to the side of her precious animals, trying to comprehend what madman would do such a thing! She then called the critters to her so she can do a head count, but found one missing! After a few minutes of roll call she realized that the worst possible thing that could happen happened! “WHERE’S MY TAMPON CAT!?!?!?!” cried Fluttershy.

“What the fuck am I?! And Why do I reek of dead fish?!” shouted the Tampon Cat, who was now Spike.

“Shut up shit head, be glad we ressurected you in the first place.” Twilight said annoyed, “ Now STACK MY BOOKS BACK ONTO THE SHELF!” The tampon cat sighed deeply and began to try to stack the books onto the shelf, but found that it didn’t have the strength or the opposable thumbs to do so, and began crying.

“He’s still a baby even at heart… cat heart. That does bring up a problem though, he’s just as useless as before when he died, if not more.” Jacob said concerned.

“Shit, we wasted all that time just to get back a whiney brat who really CAN’T do anything now. Other than lick his balls and scratch up the furniture.” said Twilight angrily. Which just made Spike cry even more…

Fluttershy burst in through the door screaming “GUYS SOMEONE BROKE IN MY HOUSE AND KILLED ALMOST ALL OF MY PE-” She stopped, registering the scene in front of her, the pentagram in the center of the room with Spike’s dead body, Jacob scrubbing bits of blood from his arms, and twilight screaming at… her cat!

“OH THANK GOODNESS YOU’RE OK KITTY!” She screamed as she galloped over to the crying cat. “What did they do to you, you poor little thing!” She sobbed, petting the cat.

“T-they me put inside this smelly dirty cat! *sniffle*” Cried Spike.

“Wai… What?” Said Fluttershy, very confused.

“Yea we took one of your cats and shoved Spike’s soul inside of it shit for brains, now get out of here so he can restock my book shelves.” Twilight said sternly

Fluttershy chewed on that information for a good minute before asking “But.. What happened to all the animals in my house?”

“Well your door was locked, so I did what anyone else would’ve done. I shot the door to bits, and your animals must’ve been behind certain areas of where the door was shot. Duhh, you need me to spell it out for ya? They were riddled with bullet holes, what the hell do you think happened? They all had heart attacks, or died because they didn’t wanna live with you anymore?” Jacob said jokingly.

Fluttershy stopped for a second, registering what he just said. “I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!” She screamed and tackled him, trying to clamp down on his neck with her jaws.

“Yea yea! Kill ‘em! I bet 20 on yellow psycho bitch!” Shouted Twilight.

“What did you just say you whore?!” screamed Fluttershy, and she leaped from Jacob, directly onto Twilight, hoofed her directly in the face, knocking her out cold. Fluttershy screamed at Jacob “I’m gonna torture this bitch, then I’m coming for you,” as she drug her back to her dungeon.

“I guess I’m leaving the Library, I always hated that couch anyway… Plus that dumb purple bitch farted on my uniform.” pouted Jacob.

10 minutes later Jimmy came through the door saying “Hey Jacob, is Twilight home? I got a book that’s overdue and I ho-” He stopped immediately after seeing Spike’s corpse in a pentagram, a blood covered crying cat trying to put a book on it’s back, and Jacob spraying Febreeze™ onto his Nazi uniform. “..Wut.” Jimmy stuttered, trying to comprehend the scene before him.

“Long story, the short version is that Spike is now a period blood riddled cat that was originally Fluttershy’s which we took without permission, and now she’s kidnapped Twilight as revenge… Say have you seen a badge around here? I think that dumb yellow bitch knocked it off my uniform,” replied Jacob.

Jimmy looked around confused and asked “Don’t you think there’s a bigger problem that we need to fix first?”

“Yea, you’re right!” Jacob said springing into action, “I need to put this uniform back into the wash!”

Jimmy pouted “Well if you aren’t going to help, I guess I can go myself”

“Wait a sec, if you’re gonna go see Twilight get tortured, I’m coming with!” stated Jacob.

Jimmy sighed, “But I’m going to sa-”

“NOPE! I’m coming with you, no ifs no buts no coconuts!” shouted Jacob. The two set off to rescue Twilight… well one did, the other went to watch her get tortured.

Once the two arrived at Fluttershy’s dungeon A.K.A. a shed with bloody words written on the side that reads ‘Dungeon’. “Well looks like she made some budget cuts to her supposed ‘Dungeon’,” whispered Jimmy. Shortly after they heard the scream of Twilight’s voice inside the Shed.

“If I know my torture screams, she’s got the good ol’ skin peeler, it’s gonna be a good one” said Jacob, with a hint of joy in his voice.

“We’re not here for torture dammit, we’re here to prevent it, like so.” said Jimmy, who then tried to bash his way through the door to break it… which sadly for him only broke his shoulder.

Jacob walked up to the door, and said with a kiddy voice, “Pwease don’t kill Twilight Miss Fwuttewshy, I’ll let you take more naughty pictures of me if you don’t.”

From inside the ‘dungeon’ Fluttershy screamed “Deal!”, shortly after a very bruised and unconscious Twilight was carried outside on top of Fluttershy, who was looking even more crazy than before.

“Okay then, I’ll be at your cottage tomorrow for some nasty photos.” said Jacob devilishly.

“Wait,” said Fluttershy, “Where’s the kid?”

“T-that would be me Miss Fwuttewshy,” whined Jacob in his kiddish voice again.

“I’m okay with this,” replied Fluttershy “So am I gonna get my cat back?”

“Well he’s already got Spike inside of him, but I’ll tell you what! You can come down to Twilight’s when you’re leaking blood from your ‘cat’ hole and plug it up with Spike, or just shove him up there whenever you want,” said Jacob, trying to negotiate.

“On the condition that Twilight doesn't’ press charges, it’s a deal” Replied Fluttershy.

“Great! How’s that sound Twilight?” Jacob asked.

“I’ll… kill you, you… bitc...ch.” Twilight muttered.

Jacob and Jimmy hauled Twilight back to the Library, once there they were greeted by Spike.

“You guys! Look, I did it! I stacked a book back on the shelf!” shouted Spike. The 3 looked to the shelf to see the book he managed to get on the shelf.

“I hate you… soooo much Spike.” muttered Twilight, before passing out again due to the acute pain. And they lived happily ever after… until our NEXT story!