Character Sheet:
Jacob (His body anyway)
Jimmy
Armless (MD)
Twilight
Rarity
Sweetie Belle
Fucker Nurse #1
Fucker Nurse #2
Fucker Nurse #3 (dead)
Fucker Doctor (teleported to yale)
Spike
Tom Hanks
Trixie
Scootaloo
AppleBloom

“... Are you sure that’s how the IV is supposed to go in there?” Jimmy asked, standing over Jacob in the hospital, the IV up Jacob’s asshole.

“Well we didn’t know where to stick it, you humans have different structures as us ponies.” The doctor replied.

“... YOU LITERALLY JUST HAVE TO GET A MAIN ARTERY, HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SO HARD?!”

“Don’t question my intelligence,, I went to YALE good sir!”

“But doctor didn’t you drop out at day three?” a nurse questioned.

“Ahah, but I was too smart for that bullshit work! Look at what I good job I did on this patient.” the doctor proclaimed, pointing his hoof at Jacob.

Jimmy pointed at Jacob as well, “There’s a fucking band-aid on his face, did you do anything!?”

“Yes, I put the band-aid on there, got any more redundant questions to ask, you hairless ape?”

Tom Hanks crying at Jacob’s side, he bellowed, “Why couldn’t it have been me instead?!”

“Because you’re a national treasure, you sexy beast,” Trixie replied, comforting Tom.

“How did this even happen?” Rarity asked

“He gut shuper pissed and shot *hic* hemshilf.” Applebloom mumbled. “You guyz gut anie rubbing alkohol ‘round here?”

Jimmy trailed down Jacob’s bed, noticing Sweetie Belle beside him, “How’s the kid, I imagine she feels like shit seeing Jacob shoot himself?”

“She’s a wreck, Scootaloo told me she tried to shoot herself not to long after Jacob did… but she missed.” Rarity answered, rubbing Sweetie Belle’s hair as she slept.

“How the fuck did she miss? It’s a gun literally against your head.” Twilight replied, frustrated on how the fuck she missed.

She’s uh…. not very.. uh… good with magic…” Rarity responded.

“She killed a dragon with an anti-tank rifle, but she can’t shoot herself at point blank with a fully automatic gun?” Spike questioned.

“Shut the fuck up Spike, why are you even here?” Rarity barked.

“I’m just happy to be here in the actual story for once in my fucking horrible life leave me alone!” Yelled Spike, once again crying.

“Oh yeah, aren’t you still a cat in the story?” Jimmy asked

“What the fuck are you two queef pellets talking about?!” Twilight screamed.

“Listen I’ve been hearing screaming for the past two hours in this room, either shut the fuck up, or get the hell out,” a nurse hissed at them.

“Fucking fine bitch I guess we’re going to the library!” Jimmy retorted back at the nurse.

“Oh no the fuck you aren’t!” Warned Twilight.

“Why the fuck not?” Tom Hanks asked.

“Because not all of not princess Obama, I am plebian” Twilight stated with blank eyes, she then vanished.

“Did we break her?” Trixie asked, rubbing at Tom’s groin as he cried. “Someone get an ACTUAL doctor, Trixie thinks someone might break something.” Trixie moped.

Scootaloo hopped up on the bed, and pressed in the speaker button, “Hey dick farts, we need a doctor up in THIS BITCH!”

“Did someone say, doctor?” an armless doctor declared as he busted through the fucking wall, crushing a nurse.

“Eyy es Doktor Armless. my good drinkin buddy.” Applebloom stammered as she rubbed the back of his knee, “I had ta pour tha likur into his mouff, cause he ain’t got no hands.” she whispered to the others.

“I can hear you, and I must say it’s… not a pleasure meeting you again. I can see Sweetie Belle’s caretaker has shot himself.”

“EXCUSE me, I’m her caretaker,” Rarity exclaimed.

“I’ve seen Jacob more with her than I have with you, obviously you do not care for her the same way he does.” Armless replied. With a flash, Twilight was back inside the room with them.

“OHHHH, take that you fat white dirty whore ass bitch!” Twilight roared, poofing there and back to wherever the fuck she was before.

“Indeed, anyway, under whose supervision was Jacob allowed to be given such horrid treatment!” Armless asked.

“That.. would be… me..” Jacob’s ‘doctor’ stated whilst digging his way out of the rubble.

“Sir, I will have your license for this!” Armless stated as he reviewed Jacob’s chart.

“Hah, good luck, the board already took it!” He responded with a chuckle, and disintegrated into thin air.

“Okay, that happened. Anyway, you all who do not have a bullet in your head please step out of the room and let me work,” Armless demanded.

“How the fuck you gonna do that? You ain’t got no hands.”

“If I can kill someone with my bare feet, I can save someone with them as well. Now get out before I stomp you to death.” The group walked out into the waiting room, not before Scootaloo raided the biohazard used needles bin. While waiting in the room, Tom and Sweetie Belle were bailing their eyes out, Rarity was fighting Spike for the remote, Trixie flirting with Mike Myers over the phone. Scootaloo was shoving herself with needles, and Jimmy flirted with the receptionist (What a horsefucker). Minutes past, hours, not days though, it’s brain surgery but it ain’t damn days worth. Tom wasn’t about to leave his friend, so long as the eye candy stayed so did Trixie, Jimmy had nothing better to do, Spike wanted to be in the story so he stayed, and Rarity was stuck there since Sweetie Belle didn’t want to leave either, also in the time it took to fix Jacob Twilight poofed back to play Magic the Gathering with Jimmy.

Armless then walked down the hallway, a clipboard in his mouth. Everyone drew their attention to them as he sat down with them spitting out the clipboard on his lap, crossing his leg as he put it in between his big toe. “Alright, I have some good news and some bad news.”

“Good news is he’s dead, bad news is we wasted our time?” Jimmy asked.

“Wow, what a terrible person you are. Jacob will make a full recovery, had I not performed the operation when I did, he’d likely died of blood loss, since the jackass ponies at this place know nothing about performing actual surgery.” Armless explained. Sweetie Belle exhaled heavily, as though in relief. Tom sung out in joy at the news and ripped off his shirt to show his overwhelming relief that his friend was okay.

“Wash the bread *hic* news?” Applebloom asked.

“Well he has suffered massive trauma to his brain, and it is unlikely to pin down when he will be responsive again. When the time is right he’ll wake up.”

“Alright, good. So hopefully he’ll stay under forever, can we go now?” Twilight groaned.

“Absolutely not, you all were what drove him to this in the first place from what I gather.” Armless protested. “We’re going to sit here and get to the base of your problematic behavior!”

“How fun, a personality test,” Twilight yawned.

“Starting with you. I have with me a cap that is put on the head. It digs deep into the repressed parts of the brain that admit just who you really are and what you really think. I shall read the results on the screen of this iPhone app, technology is truly taking over everything we use nowadays, especially these fucking phones.” The doc then strapped the cap to Twilight, her eyes went white as he mouth hung open, staring blankly until she began to speak.

“I hate you all, and I hate everyone else. Everyone needs to burn in a pit of fire so I can be left alone. Except Spike, sadly enough I do need him to do shit I don’t want to, otherwise I’d smash his testicles with a ball peen hammer.”

Armless read the results on the phone, after closing out fifty ads about hot single mares in your area, “Twilight, you have a serious version of Aspergers. You shun yourself from others, the part of you that wants to socialize you shove back with the notion of harassing others and doing unspeakable things to them in your head.” Armless then popped the cap off Twilight and went to the closest pony to her, which happened to be Applebloom.

“To be honest, I’m not an alcoholic. I crave attention of others, and in doing so drinking alcohol seems to be the best way of people to notice me. Over the course of drinking however it seems to have weakened my thought process, you are hearing the true me. If you can hear this, please send hel-” Armless snapped the cap off.

“Alright, you basically said it all… Blah blah blah attention craver, blah blah blah dumb redneck. Okay, next up is Spike.” he then plopped the cap onto Spike’s head.

“I crave attention more than anything. I felt the rush of getting attention when I had an episode dedicated to bringing me back to life. Since then I’ve tried so hard to find the characters of main interest. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when there’s a story and when we’re just going about our daily lives. I once spent a month at Jacob’s mansion watching him watch the Discovery Channel and drinking Kool-Aid from a Wine glass. Never had I felt so bored in my entire life, but I was doing it for the story.”

“Okay, it appears Spike shows deep signs of Histrionic Personality Disorder. Attention comes first for him, he won’t do anything else so long as people praise him or notice him, and his emotions are ten times stronger than that of a woman PMSing. I would say Spike and Applebloom share a similar disorder, yet Applebloom is less emotional.” Armless explained.

“So who’s next?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“That would be.. you.. however I’m not sure if you’re ready for this.”

“But it seems really fun! Please sir let me see what I really am!” she pleaded.

“Alright…” Armless sighed. He plopped the cap onto Sweetie Belle’s head, her eyes went blank.

“I told you I don’t want them to know I’m still here!” Sweetie said in a deep tone

“C’mon buddy, I’m sure if you’re nice they’ll like you.”

“Is… is she having a conversation with herself?” Rarity asked, appalled

“No… No it appears this is Clarke. She mentioned him in the meeting we had appointed in the building that is now destroyed thanks to her.” Armless explained

“But I hate them, I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM!” Sweetie Belle screamed.

“Don’t be like that, everyone loves you!” She said back to herself

“They aren’t like you Sweetie Belle, they hurt anyone they come across! You’re very loyal, which is why you're the only one who can know I exist.”

Armless snapped the cap off of Sweetie Belle’s head, with a very confused and scared look on his face, “Right, kinda already knew about him. I thought you said he was gone though child.”

“He came back, and apologized by singing me songs. Like, ‘Kick A Baby by Fisting Skulls’, or ‘Through the Fire and Flames by Dragon Force’, he even sung 'Me!Me!Me!' once.” Sweetie replied.

Rarity hugged her sister closer to her, “My poor little baby, I never knew these horrific people in your head!”

“You never asked, master is the only person who cares about me!” Sweetie exclaimed

“Oh come now, like I’m supposed to think you may hear voices in your head. I deal with petty kid stuff like looks and fashion!” Rarity retorted

Armless interjected and asked “Could we please get back to the matter at hand and finish getting an idea of the problems we’re dealing with before we go and try and fix them?”

“Wow, you sound like a true professional Mr. No arms. ‘Let’s not deal with the problems only talk about them’.” Jimmy griped.

“You’re up next.” Armless grumbled. He plopped the cup onto Jimmy’s head.

“Spoons, Knives, Butter Knives, Forks, Ladles, Spatulas, Tongs.” Jimmy then droned on and on for the next twenty minutes just listing off assortments of silverware and kitchen utensils.

“Well I can say this is new. I can’t exactly pin it down to even one quirk or syndrome… You just stay in the kitchen or something.”

“Uh, Doctor Armless, do you think there will be hope for us?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Uh.. Sure! It’ll just take medication, practice, and uh… help. Anyway, it won’t be easy, but I like a challenge!”

“What about Trixie? She has yet to wear the funny cap, nor has sexy over here, or diamond butt.”

“Well Trixie, I’ve pretty much got you diagnosed, and I don’t think Tom Hanks or Rarity has anything to do with Jacob’s condition. Nor has anyone else, well maybe Twilight’s but Jacob is far more iron willed to fall victim to her bitchetry”

“I am of bored now, wait, ID- *hic* IKEA… I mean IDEA!” slurred Applebloom, grabbing the cup, she trotted back to Jacob’s room and plopped it on his head. Everyone else followed, curious to what might happen

Jacob’s mouth slowly opened as he began to speak in his sleep, “Can’t kill anyone, can’t even kill myself… The hell’s wrong with me. Mein fuhrer would be fuhrer-ious, every opportunity... something has happened… to prevent their death. Hell... can’t even kill a kid anymore…” He stopped speaking, Applebloom then snapped the cap off his head.

“I am genyous. Whooda thunk tha *hic* that it wash him that drive him to suicide all long?”

“Hmm.. interesting.. Applebloom, who was Jacob talking about at the last part?” Armless inquired.

“A shit stained pasty flip flop wearing autismo who shit all over his house. Then some freaky multi colored chicks kicked his ass.” Sweetie explained.

“Well best way to deal with your problems is to fight them head on. I suggest they live with Jacob.” Armless offered.

“Uh… I don’t think he’d agree to that.” Jimmy replied flatly.

“Of course he won’t! But, I can tie some strings with the police. He’s broken many laws. If he agrees to living with ‘flip flop’, they’ll drop the charges, if he refuses, he goes to jail. Simple as that.”

“Wow… that sounds really dumb. But I don’t really care if he kills himself again or not, so I’m all for it!” Twilight cheered.

“Then it’s settled, I’ll relay the information to the child and the girls.” Armless replied

“But you don’t know them, how will you tell them?”

“Twilight can just teleport out of here like last time.” Jimmy suggested.

“Oh yeah, I can do that. Bye bitches.” Twilight disappeared again. Teleporting back almost immediately, “They said yea.”

“Can I be a part of the story now? I haven’t ever since the waiting room.” Spike whined

“Shut the fuck up Spike.” Armless calmly stated. Punting Spike through the wall and into oncoming traffic.

Author's Note

Took MUCH longer then expected. I'm surprised I could get Jimmy to write last night . Hope you liked it, if not it's entirely understandable. It can be hard to follow the dialogue sometimes, also it's just all over the place and bleh.