Character Sheet:
Sweetie Belle
Scootaloo
Applebloom
Jacob
Garnet
Steven
Pearl
Amethyst

“So you just pick up the mud and throw it at each other!” Sweetie Belle said enthusiastically.

“... I still don’t get the point of this mud war, and why do we have to do it at the treehou-” Jacob was cut off by a huge wad of mud hitting him square in the chest, knocking the breath out of him.

“Gotcha!” Scootaloo shouted.

“WHEN I’M DONE WITH YOU, YOU’LL BE LIKE THAT DAMN DOCTOR WITH FOUR NUBS OF LEGS!” Jacob roared

“I’d love for you to! Come at me big boy, GIMMIE ALL YOU GOT!” Scootaloo giggled

“Ey bischs… *hic* lookie who I found eatin bark off our trees,” Applebloom stammered, coming up from behind them, with a human boy with her.

“I thot dey wear apurles. High der. Mah name’s Sterven!” The plump little twelvie pointed at himself, and then pulling up his shirt revealing a shit-stained gem.

“...is that what I think it is?” Jacob grimaced at the gem.

“Its a ruse quartz it used to be me mums but aye gurt it aftur she dieded.” Steven explained.

“I wasn’t talking about the gem, I was talking about the fucking brown streaks all over it. Have you been rubbing your shit all over your gem you autistic fuck?” Jacob gagged.

“Why do you have a gem in your stomach? Did someone stab you with it and you just not go to a hospital?” Belle asked, very puzzled by the cross eyed dopey boy before her.

“I waz burn wit et!” he exclaimed.

“... You were born with a gem permanently stabbed into your gut? How does it feel?! Painful?! Lemme try it!” Scootaloo shouted, hopping up and down.

“I onlie haz it becuz am a gem and am vury speshal liek mai gem famlee tolded me aye wuz!” proclaimed Steven.

“If I hear this kid say one more sentence I fear I’m going to get terminal brain cancer…” Jacob grunted.

“But Jacob, this…. thing.. could help us with our adventures! Or well. Atleast be a punching bag if we’re bored” suggested Sweetie.

“Be that as it may, I don’t want him following us around. I’m afraid of catching mental retardation from this kid. I can feel my brain cells killing themselves.” Jacob replied.

“Es murdrdur ileagle?...” Applebloom asked.

“Well we got away with Sweetie Belle murdering an entire building of ponies, and we’ve already killed 2 kids in this story, why not make it 3?” Jacob said, with an evil grin.

“STERVEN DUN WUNNA DIE TODEY!” Steven yelled in alarm as he realized they were talking about him. He clapped his hands and a bubble erupted around him. Jacob quizzically shot at the bubble with his MP40 but it just rebounded off the bubble. Sweetie approached the bubble and gingerly touched it.

“Liquid autism… the most illusive of liquids… how do you store such a large amount of it inside of you!?” She exclaimed.

“Me mommie and dadi both had the autismis, so dey sayd am like autism squared!” he exclaimed, almost forgetting he was literally just being shot at.

“Welp. This is Twilight’s area of expertise so I’m gonna go find that purple bitch. Also. Sweetie Belle, we’re gonna have a talk about how you know about this ‘liquid autism’ later.” Jacob muttered, walking off to Twilight’s library.

Once Jacob arrived at the Library he oh so despised, he noticed Fluttershy was there, using Spike for her… ‘bleed needs’. He quickly turned away, shielding his eyes with his hand, “Okay, bad timing - uhh. where the fuck’s purple cunt?”

“She’s in her room trying to give herself a dick with magic.” Spike muttered in Fluttershy’s snatch.

“Tehehe~, don’t talk Spike, it tickles when you do.” Fluttershy giggled.

“Um okay, so you guys be weird, I’m just gonna go up there then” muttered Jacob as he creeped towards the steps.

Twilight screamed “I GOT IT” as Jacob was walking into her bedroom.

“Are you fucking masturbating?!” Screamed Jacob, “Why is everyone in this god damned world so fucking weird?!”

“You can either help out or get out. Your choice, whatever else you need I have my hooves a bit full here with MAH NEW DICK.” Twilight replied replied a bit too loud...

“HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKING STOP BEING WEIRD AND YOU KNOW WHAT, WITH ALL THIS WEIRD, AHM GOOIN PASS OUT NOW!” Yelled Jacob as he slammed his face directly into a table and passed out on the floor.

“Oh… ow…. what happened?” muttered Jacob as he woke up, realizing he was outside Twilight’s house.

“Oh, good, he’s not dead girls.” a strange white woman said aloud, kneeling at Jacob’s height.

After surveying the goddess that kneeled before him, Jacob quickly stood up and dusted himself off, “H-hi, me name Jacob.. I mean, I…”

“Hahah! I think this guy has what Steven has.” The midget purple one laughed aloud.

“Ste- oh you mean terminal brain cancer, shit stained, pasty white, flip flop wearing annoying 12 year old kid?” Jacob asked.

“‘At’s the one. Where’d you see ‘em?” Asked a humongous strangely red, and seriously intimidating woman.

“L-last I saw him he was with some fillies at The CM-...” The words quickly died out in his throat, it’s obvious these women are new here and have no idea where you’d point them. Already the party looked gloomy and puzzled just as his sentence began. “Obviously you have no idea where I’m talking about, just follow me.” Jacob announced as he lead the 3 to Sweet Apple Acres.

“... Well they were here.” Jacob said as he kicked a pebble, standing in front of the tree house, not a soul in sight, ‘cept himself and the other 3 women that followed.

“Dammit, we’re never gonna find ‘em at ‘es rate.” The tall one steamed.

“Take it easy Garnet, w-what’s the worst that could happen to him? We’re in a world we know entirely nothing about, other than how the equestrian population can now form articulated english, and I believe I saw several dragons flying overhead earlier… STEVEN WHERE ARE YOU?!” screamed the now panicked white woman.

“Bad time to bring this up I suppose. If I’m gonna help you I may as well know your names.” Jacob suggested.

“Well I’m Amethyst, the one throwing a hissy fit is Pearl, and uh… the one ripping the tree out of the ground, that’s Garnet.” The stout purple one replied.

“You don’t seem too worried.” Jacob replied, confused.

“Meh, to be honest it’s been nice without him, aside from Pearl’s panic attacks and Garnet threatening these horses.” Amethyst yawned, stretching in place.

Pearl grabbed ahold of Jacob’s collar on his shirt and began shaking him violently, “WHERE’S MY BABY, PLEASE HELP ME FIND HIM!”

Jacob gripped her arms and pushed them down back to her waist, “Fine, I’ll help you find your walking talking vegetable.”

Pearl began to calm down, mainly because she had to register what the possibly only other human on this planet just said “He’s not a vegetable, he’s a human. Well half human, half gem.” Pearl stated, failing to realize the metaphor.

“He said something about that. Well I think IT was trying to communicate. What does gems mean?” Jacob questioned, actually curious for once.

“Oh, that’s simple,” Pearl began, “We ar-”

“If Steven isn’t here, we should go look somewhere else!” Garnet interrupted.

“I’d wager to say he’s still with the girls. We find them, they’ll know where he is… I hope.” Jacob replied hopefully, the last bit sounding less hopeful...

“Do you have super powers?! Can you catch me on fire or super punch me?!” Scootaloo squealed, walking back to Jacob’s mansion with the other 2 dysfunctional shits, along with the new dysfunctional shit.

“Nowp, I ken onle summon teh sheild, or burbel.” Steven replied, spraying spit each word he spoke.

“I don’t know if master wants us in his mansion alone.” Sweetie Belle replied, unsure if she should forget it or turn back to get Jacob.

“I told ya, I live there now, so it’s my house too.” Scootaloo replied.

“Doesh he have booze in *hic* hims houshe?” Applebloom slurred.

“Maybe. He has a lot of bottles of Wine. But he keeps that in the Tom Hanks room.” Scootaloo replied, feeling a tingle go up her spine thinking of that hunk.

“PURL SAIS I’M LIEK FOREST GRUMP.” Steven chimed in, needlessly loud.

Belle stopped dead in her tracks, “I can’t STAND walking with this kid anymore. I’m going to find master!” she screamed, as she turned around and fled in search Jacob.

“... Whash up her butt..t?” Applebloom asked, watching Belle run back to Ponyville.

“Wen I tri runin ways from Amethust wen her touch me weurd, she gets maded.” Steven slurred.

“You too?! My brothers do the same! We have so much in common.” Scootaloo exclaimed.

“C’mon yu SHIETS! I go- *hic* gone fourtie minuts wishout a drink, an if I go ‘nother 40 I’m gon los- *hic*... loose my shits.” Applebloom barked.

“Calm down, calm down. We’re here already. Now let’s FUCK SHIT UP!” Scootaloo roared, as she hind kicked the mansion door open. Steven, being the little shit he is, ran into the kitchen and started eating spoons.

“..The fuck?” Scootaloo yelled. Grabbing the spoons from Steven.

“NUR, I NED TU EATED DEM, IS IMPORTANT.” Exclaimed Steven. He tried to grab the spoons from Scoots, but she refused to let them go. “IS MATUR OF LYFE END DETH!” He exclaimed. He turns his attention to the freezer, yanking it open and furiously tossing everything in it out. “WHER AR DE CUKIE KATS?!”

“... The wut?” Applebloom muttered? Steven, furious, made his shield appear and started smashing the fridge with it in a fit of autistic fueled rage.

“What the hell is wrong with you!?” screamed Scootaloo, she jumped on top of Steven, trying to restrain him.

“Whamever, I’m goin to tha Tom Hanksh room to get my ass shome WINE!” Applebloom remarked, as she sloppily trotted her way into Jacob’s room.

“TOM HANKS!?” Steven shouted, shoving Scootaloo off of him and running after Applebloom.

“My baby’s wondering around with an alcoholic and a masochist, ISN’T THAT JUST FUCKING WONDERFUL WE HAVE TO FIND MY BABY!” Screamed Pearl for the 50th time.

“He isn’t just your baby.” Stated Garnet as she uprooted yet another tree.

“Yea, he’s my personal fuck toy,” Amethyst replied, aggravated.

“Look as much as I love destruction, this just isn’t helping. Plus Apple-fag will make me pay for the damages. Wait… what’s that in the distance?” Jacob said, staring at the growing white speck in the distance, running at them.

“Unknown entity, north. Gems, battle formations!” stated Garnet, her hands summoning gauntlets, the other gems summoning weapons as well.

“No… That’s… Sweetie Belle!” Jacob remarked, running toward her.

“Master! Finally, I’ve been looking for you.” she pouted, stopping at Jacobs feet.

“What is it? Do you know where the new dysfunctional shit is?” questioned Jacob.

“He’s at the Mansion, as an apology before you see it, I’m sorry about anything you see he did there…”

“That motherfucker best not have fucking shit on my statue or I swear!” Jacob screamed as he ran to his mansion.

Amethyst looked down at the little pony, “Where’s this mansion at?”

“Follow the pissed off master and you’ll find it.” Sweetie Belle answered cheerfully. Garnet picked up the little pony and charged toward the mansion.

The gems came up to Jacob, kicking at his door, noticing the gems behind him, he furiously stated, “They locked the FUCKING door!” He gave it one last kick, “Fuck it! I’ll buy a new god damned door!” he said as he whipped out the Mp 40 and turns the door to shreds. He ran inside, briefly noting Scoot’s bleeding out on the floor with Steven crying next to her like the little shit he is.

“MY BABY, YOU’RE ALRIGHT!” Screamed Pearl as she noticed him from the door frame. “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW SCARED WE WERE, WE SEARCHED EVERYWHERE, GARNET UPROOTED EIGHTY TREES FOR YOU!” She screamed, stroking his shit stained hair.

“Perl!! Deh mern men shotted mai firned!!” He exclaimed, summoning his shield.

“Oh please, she was just in the path of the bullets. It’s not my fault she was in the way. Her fault.” Jacob stated.

“Burt she’s dying! Oh wait.” He turned and spit on his hands. Scoots looked up at him in disgust.

“..what are you doing?” She gasped. He placed his hands on her wounds and a light flashed from where he touched, healing her wounds.

“I don’t have time have time for this magic shit bullshit, what the hell did you do to the place?! Did you shit all over every fucking piece of furniture in here?!”

Applebloom stumbled in through the door to the kitchen, “..Found teh *hic* booze!” She collapsed on the floor, wine dripping from her mouth.

Jacob, pulling his hair, eyes full open, foam dripping at his mouth, “I’LL… I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU ALL!” he screamed, whipping out the Mp40, “Starting with you!” taking aim at Steven. Firing his entire clip. Steven yelped and bubbled, bullets ricocheting everywhere.

“WHY WON’T YOU JUST DIE!” Screamed Jacob in frustration.

Garnet smashing Jacob across the face, “We can't let you hurt Steven!”

“Ohhohoh! I’m not gonna hurt him! I’m gonna FUCKING GUT HIM, and you!” reloading and spraying more bullets at Garnet.

Blocking the bullets with her gauntlets, she turns to the others, “Gems, get him!” Amethyst summoned her whip and disarmed Jacob.

“Master stop, you’re scaring me!” Sweetie quivered.

Jacob sluggishly stood up, picking up his MP40, “You break into my house, you fuck it up, you shit on my furniture and god knows what else, and I get my ass beat in my own home.” panting heavily he puts his gun up to his temple, “Fuck my life!” and shoots himself, collapsing limply onto the floor. And they all lived happily never after… until our NEXT story!

Author's Note

How's this for a cliff hanger?