Chapters The Random Adventures of Equestria!
Episode 1: The Pyramid Predicament
Author's Note
This one I'd imagine have a LOT of sensitive material, especially if you don't like Nazi's... But that's a run on joke with Jacob's character now. Not to mention Dairy Pillows, the big boobed Egyptian Princess.. It was only until now that I realized how sensitive a lot of our stories are, maybe not so much this one, but Episode 2 and 3 are, and trust me, they get worse!...
Episode 1: The Pyramid Predicament
Character Sheet:
We begin our story on an upcoming expedition into the depths of an ancient pyramid, which lies deep within the Everfree forest, to find the Golden Butter Knife of Humility. They group sit around Twilight’s kitchen table drinking pee -- I MEAN tea, when Jimmy strikes up a conversation.
“So…” says Jimmy, “How did you hear about this place?”
“Oh, I saw it on that sick new MTV show, ‘Pimp my Pyramid’.” Twilight wistfully replies.
”Well.. who do you think would be up to this dangerous task?” replied Jimmy, deep in thought.
“I’m really not looking forward to going in there,” Fluttershy said nervously, “It seems spooky…”
“Why are we bringing big baby bitch with us?” asked Daring Doo.
Twilight sternly replied, “Well she’s the only bitch who was dumb enough to walk around in the Everfree forest and NOT get lost.”
Jimmy glanced towards Fluttershy and asked, “So will you be able to provide the food, it’ll be a long trip.”
“Yea,” said Daring Doo giggling, “Her breast milk maybe.” Everyone looks at Daring Doo with puzzling and confusing looks. “What?!” she exclaimed, “She does it with Angel all the time…”
“Well that’s just because he’s my baby and it’s rude of you to ask me to do such an act!” exclaimed Fluttershy.
“He doesn’t even have to ask, you just shove him under you… it’s like you get off to it,” Daring said rolling her eyes.
Twilight stood up and exclaimed “Shut up you two cock suckers! we’ve got a more important task ahead of us, I can provide the food, but I don’t know how Jimmy will be able to carry anything, we don’t have any backpacks.”
“Ughh, please not you,” whined Jimmy, “You bring shitty food, like carrots and apples. We need chips and twinkies!”
“It’s not my fault we can’t all be fat shit heads like you Jimmy!” screamed Twilight.
After the longest 15 seconds of awkward silence passes, Daring asks, ‘So… when are we headed out?”
“Well we could leave now, but I gotta go grab some things from my house” replied Jimmy.
“But… i-it’s thundering outside,” quivered Fluttershy.
“I SAID WE GO TODAY YOU YELLOW BLOB OF TWAT!” shouted Jimmy in an uproar, sprinting out of the house.
After Jimmy got done crying like baby about when they leave, they left in looks for the Pyramid… in pouring rain and booming lightning. After about 2 hours of travelling they took shelter inside a nearby cave (much to the dismay of fluttershy). “Why are we stopping?!” Asked Daring angrily."
“Since Fluttershy won’t stop crying.” retorted Twilight. After some grumbling from the group, they set up camp and waited for the storm to pass.
Fluttershy, fighting her crying away, said “We wouldn’t have to come today if Jimmy wasn’t whining about it.”
Jimmy rolled his eyes and said, “Yea look who’s whining now bitch… ‘Ohh I’m scared of thunder and I’m secretly into beastiality.’ That’s what you sound like.”
Twilight looked over to him, chuckling and replied “Well someone’s butthurt.”
After the group is done fighting (over nothing), the storm dies down, and they resume their quest to the pyramid. Once they arrived at the Pyramid, the group started arming themselves both physically and mentally for the horrors they would face inside. “O-okay, so I led you all here.. N-now I’m going home.” stammered Fluttershy.
“Sure if you wanna get mauled by a bear with aid rabies or something on your way back go right ahead.” said Jimmy.
“Oh gosh, that COULD happen, well, um, I’ll go with you guys, but only if you PROMISE nothing bad will happen,” Fluttershy replied shaking.
“Nope! No promises, there could be a cave in, we could get lost, and have to eat each other to survive. But aside from that it could be fine, let’s go inside! WOOOOO!” Said Twilight who then bravely charged inside.
“Hey, wait up!” Yelled Jimmy while chasing after her.
“Hey, I’m gonna run in too and leave Fluttershy alone like everyone else!” shouted Daring, which she then did…
“Well.. I don’t have much a choice,” said Fluttershy as she then crept inside the massive Pyramid.
Once inside the pyramid, the group immediately noticed how horrible it smelled, but strangely all the torches had been lit, even though it was obvious that no one had been inside for centuries.
“Hey, get your own damn pyramids you faggots!” Screamed a voice deep within the depths.
“I’m not the only one who heard that, right?” muttered Twilight.
“Nope, I heard it too! Cause I’m the one who FUCKING SAID IT!” screamed the voice. The group stood near the entrance in a daze, not sure what to do.
“So… shouldn’t we like.. go investigate that or something?” inquired Jimmy.
“Yea, I’d fucking love some company, come on in!” said the voice.
After traversing through the pyramid for about half an hour with no problems, the group finally discovered the source of the voice. It was a dirty filth ridden man with a nazi uniform, blonde hair, and glasses, named Jacob.
“So, what brings you fat sacks of dicks to this part of the pyramid?” grunted the man.
“Greetingz, comrade, how’s the war going?” chuckled Jimmy.
“Well lemme think smartass, pretty bad since we lost and I had to hide out in this Pyramid, which I think has voodoo powers, since I’ve not seemed to age…” replied Jacob, “Speaking of which, is it safe to erm… come out now?”
Twilight interjected and said “We got to get the fucking Butter Knife of Humility before this whole thing collapses around us, and I don’t know about this faggot, but I want to get home to read my Fifty States of Gay (NERD).”
“Oh” said the Nazi, “You’re probably looking for that big spooky chest with tons of booby traps around it in the very depths of this place.”
“Well no time like the present… and heil hitler I guess,” Jimmy exclaimed, and he ran off, deeper into the depths of the pyramid with the rest of the group in tow.
“Fine, just get smothered to death by the boobs of the booby traps, I know where they are and how to evade them,” Jacob remarked. After winding about the 200th corner, they ran into a gargantuan open room, with what could only be described as a massive mummy in the center of it. “Uhoh, you’ve awoken the Egyptian Princess, Dairy Pillows!” shouted Jacob.
Jimmy pulled out his silver spoon, ready for a fight, but Twilight interjected and whispered “I got this” and summoned a Dicks and Dildos handbook, 6 character sheets, and a 5 pack of dice. Dairy Pillows groans in a zombie like groan, and pulls out her Character sheet which she had prepared a million years ago!
Jacob then asked, “Is there a class, ‘Nazi’ in this game?”
“Only in homebrew, but I’ve prepared for everything” Twilight responded as she handed out the character sheets. Jacob prepares writing down his own stats for his new character while the others choose there's; Jimmy a Silver Knight, Twilight a Mage (NERD), Daring Doo an Explorer, Fluttershy a Paladin, and Dairy Pillows an Enchantress. The start of the encounter was bad, Jimmy rolled 3 crits fails and confirmed all of them, knocking him down to one-thirds of his life. Twilight was doing pretty well until she stunned Fluttershy on accident. Daring Doo was fucking useless because she didn’t know shit about the game. Dairy Pillows was fucking shredding them.
All this time Jacob was frantically trying to complete his character sheet. Jacob rips up the paper in frustration, and yells “Scheiß drauf!”, and blows the princess away with a MP40. “That’s how we do Scheiße in Germany! Hahah!” Shouts Jacob. While the group looked at him in shock, Fluttershy noticed that a light was beginning to shine from above their heads. After a few minutes of bickering, everyone noticed it as well, it was a chest being levitated downward. “Oh… so wait what was the chest down stai- ah fuck it nevermind.” says Jacob.
Once the chest lowered enough to be reached, Twilight did a quick lock picking spell and the chest flew open, revealing the Butter Knife of Humility inside. “Holy fuck it’s actually real” exclaimed Jimmy. “Wait… you DIDN’T think it was real?” said Twilight, “I didn’t lug our asses out here for nothing, I did this for your stupid fucking silverware collection and you didn’t even FUCKING BELIEVE ME?! ALL YOU DID WAS MOPE AND WHINE AND MADE US LEAVE IN THE POURING RAIN!” The arguing then goes on for another hour, Twilight’s loud voice rocking the Pyramid, causing a cave in.
“Your big fucking mouth caused a cave in!” exclaimed Jacob, “Everyone out!”
The group raced towards the entrance, jumping over collapsed rubble and diving under cave-ins. and right after they dove out of the entrance to the pyramid the damn thing collapsed behind them, shooting out a massive cloud of dust. And the expeditioners returned to their hometown and Jacob crashed on Twilights couch, promising it’s ‘just until he gets back on his feet’. And the lived happily forever after…. Until our next story.
The Random Adventures of Equestria!
Episode 2: Catering a Careful Kidnapping
Author's Note
Unsure if I'm an insensitive bastard or this is maybe not that sensitive?... I can imagine someone getting offended by periods or Nazis, however I'm just not.
Episode 2: Catering a Careful Kidnapping
Character Sheet:
Twilight was in her library, stacking books in an annoyance, thinking, “Why did that pussy ass dragon bitch need to get squashed by that damn Spaghetti Monster, when he could be doing this and not me?...” As she was shelving the last book into place, they all collapsed on her, revealing a strange looking book.
“Who’s the shit brained asshole who awoke me from my nap?!” screamed Jacob, who was lounging naked on the couch.
Twatbright snapped up the book and studied the front cover “Necromancy For Dummies™”? Just what I need!” she yelled.
“What are you going on about?” Jacob lazily asked, as he hopped off the couch.
“Oh nothing much, just some scrub level necromancy, want to help me bring Spike back? It’ll be fun~” replied Twilight with an evil smile.
“Take that rapey look off your face and I’ll gladly help, right after my Uniform dries off in the dryer. I brought no other pair of clothing with me when I fled to this realm of technicolor ponies. What do we need?” said Jacob.
“Well, it says here that the soul needs a host, probably one small enough to fit the soul of a baby dragon... do you think that Fluttershy would be okay with us using one of her cats?” inquired Twilight.
“Which one? The one untouched except for the use of tampons or the other ones? Cause she’d be okay with the second, not the first.” With that, Twilight slammed the old book shut and levitated Jacob his clothes, which she dried using her magical fart powers and galloped with Jacob to Fluttershy’s house.
Once they arrived to her small cottage she was no where to be found.
“Where is that little yellow bitch?” questioned Jacob.
“She’s probably stalking kids on their way back from school, something about them being her ‘prey’ or something, I dunno.” replied Twilight.
“But it’s okay that she isn’t here, I don’t think she’d care really care if we took a cat, so I don’t really see the issue of just taking it. Just be sure not to take her tampon cat” yawned Twilight.
“Wait, what? What do you mean by ‘tampon cat’? When I said the tampon thing earlier I mean her vagina” said Jacob.
“Well apparently she uses one of the cats as a tampon, weird right? Like why doesn’t she just use rats like a normal person” sighed Twilight. Jacob stared at Twilight dumbfounded, but wanted to move the fucking plot along instead of wasting more time by asking dumbass rat period based questions. After realizing how much fucking time they were wasting, Jacob pulled out his god damned overpowered as shit MP40 and shot the fucking door down like the motherfucking boss he is. The two stepped into the house where a door used to be (Wonder where it went…) and search for a cat.
After stepping over the many animal corpses littering the ground, Jacob found a blood covered cat, picked it up, and yelled “GOT THE CAT!” and sprinted out the door.
The 2 return back to the Library, Jacob sets out to washing the blood off the cat, only to find that the blood doesn’t come off… or it’s scent of a decaying corpse.
“You ready yet?” shouted Twilight.
“Just a sec, I can’t get the blood off this damn cat…” Jacob shouted back, annoyed.
“Forget that, just get that dirty pussy in here already you fucking Nazi faggot!” Jacob hauled the gore reeking cat back into the library and put it in the center of the pentagram along with Spike’s dead body. Twilight retrieved the book and began chanting “Ego hoc mando anima habeat istam deus damnati corpus.” As she continue the chant the room started to get cold, and a strange light began to illuminate from the cat’s chest.
“What the fuck!?!?” screamed Fluttershy, standing amongst the carnage of animals, and dropping her photos of foals and phillys. She scrambled to the side of her precious animals, trying to comprehend what madman would do such a thing! She then called the critters to her so she can do a head count, but found one missing! After a few minutes of roll call she realized that the worst possible thing that could happen happened! “WHERE’S MY TAMPON CAT!?!?!?!” cried Fluttershy.
“What the fuck am I?! And Why do I reek of dead fish?!” shouted the Tampon Cat, who was now Spike.
“Shut up shit head, be glad we ressurected you in the first place.” Twilight said annoyed, “ Now STACK MY BOOKS BACK ONTO THE SHELF!” The tampon cat sighed deeply and began to try to stack the books onto the shelf, but found that it didn’t have the strength or the opposable thumbs to do so, and began crying.
“He’s still a baby even at heart… cat heart. That does bring up a problem though, he’s just as useless as before when he died, if not more.” Jacob said concerned.
“Shit, we wasted all that time just to get back a whiney brat who really CAN’T do anything now. Other than lick his balls and scratch up the furniture.” said Twilight angrily. Which just made Spike cry even more…
Fluttershy burst in through the door screaming “GUYS SOMEONE BROKE IN MY HOUSE AND KILLED ALMOST ALL OF MY PE-” She stopped, registering the scene in front of her, the pentagram in the center of the room with Spike’s dead body, Jacob scrubbing bits of blood from his arms, and twilight screaming at… her cat!
“OH THANK GOODNESS YOU’RE OK KITTY!” She screamed as she galloped over to the crying cat. “What did they do to you, you poor little thing!” She sobbed, petting the cat.
“T-they me put inside this smelly dirty cat! *sniffle*” Cried Spike.
“Wai… What?” Said Fluttershy, very confused.
“Yea we took one of your cats and shoved Spike’s soul inside of it shit for brains, now get out of here so he can restock my book shelves.” Twilight said sternly
Fluttershy chewed on that information for a good minute before asking “But.. What happened to all the animals in my house?”
“Well your door was locked, so I did what anyone else would’ve done. I shot the door to bits, and your animals must’ve been behind certain areas of where the door was shot. Duhh, you need me to spell it out for ya? They were riddled with bullet holes, what the hell do you think happened? They all had heart attacks, or died because they didn’t wanna live with you anymore?” Jacob said jokingly.
Fluttershy stopped for a second, registering what he just said. “I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!” She screamed and tackled him, trying to clamp down on his neck with her jaws.
“Yea yea! Kill ‘em! I bet 20 on yellow psycho bitch!” Shouted Twilight.
“What did you just say you whore?!” screamed Fluttershy, and she leaped from Jacob, directly onto Twilight, hoofed her directly in the face, knocking her out cold. Fluttershy screamed at Jacob “I’m gonna torture this bitch, then I’m coming for you,” as she drug her back to her dungeon.
“I guess I’m leaving the Library, I always hated that couch anyway… Plus that dumb purple bitch farted on my uniform.” pouted Jacob.
10 minutes later Jimmy came through the door saying “Hey Jacob, is Twilight home? I got a book that’s overdue and I ho-” He stopped immediately after seeing Spike’s corpse in a pentagram, a blood covered crying cat trying to put a book on it’s back, and Jacob spraying Febreeze™ onto his Nazi uniform. “..Wut.” Jimmy stuttered, trying to comprehend the scene before him.
“Long story, the short version is that Spike is now a period blood riddled cat that was originally Fluttershy’s which we took without permission, and now she’s kidnapped Twilight as revenge… Say have you seen a badge around here? I think that dumb yellow bitch knocked it off my uniform,” replied Jacob.
Jimmy looked around confused and asked “Don’t you think there’s a bigger problem that we need to fix first?”
“Yea, you’re right!” Jacob said springing into action, “I need to put this uniform back into the wash!”
Jimmy pouted “Well if you aren’t going to help, I guess I can go myself”
“Wait a sec, if you’re gonna go see Twilight get tortured, I’m coming with!” stated Jacob.
Jimmy sighed, “But I’m going to sa-”
“NOPE! I’m coming with you, no ifs no buts no coconuts!” shouted Jacob. The two set off to rescue Twilight… well one did, the other went to watch her get tortured.
Once the two arrived at Fluttershy’s dungeon A.K.A. a shed with bloody words written on the side that reads ‘Dungeon’. “Well looks like she made some budget cuts to her supposed ‘Dungeon’,” whispered Jimmy. Shortly after they heard the scream of Twilight’s voice inside the Shed.
“If I know my torture screams, she’s got the good ol’ skin peeler, it’s gonna be a good one” said Jacob, with a hint of joy in his voice.
“We’re not here for torture dammit, we’re here to prevent it, like so.” said Jimmy, who then tried to bash his way through the door to break it… which sadly for him only broke his shoulder.
Jacob walked up to the door, and said with a kiddy voice, “Pwease don’t kill Twilight Miss Fwuttewshy, I’ll let you take more naughty pictures of me if you don’t.”
From inside the ‘dungeon’ Fluttershy screamed “Deal!”, shortly after a very bruised and unconscious Twilight was carried outside on top of Fluttershy, who was looking even more crazy than before.
“Okay then, I’ll be at your cottage tomorrow for some nasty photos.” said Jacob devilishly.
“Wait,” said Fluttershy, “Where’s the kid?”
“T-that would be me Miss Fwuttewshy,” whined Jacob in his kiddish voice again.
“I’m okay with this,” replied Fluttershy “So am I gonna get my cat back?”
“Well he’s already got Spike inside of him, but I’ll tell you what! You can come down to Twilight’s when you’re leaking blood from your ‘cat’ hole and plug it up with Spike, or just shove him up there whenever you want,” said Jacob, trying to negotiate.
“On the condition that Twilight doesn't’ press charges, it’s a deal” Replied Fluttershy.
“Great! How’s that sound Twilight?” Jacob asked.
“I’ll… kill you, you… bitc...ch.” Twilight muttered.
Jacob and Jimmy hauled Twilight back to the Library, once there they were greeted by Spike.
“You guys! Look, I did it! I stacked a book back on the shelf!” shouted Spike. The 3 looked to the shelf to see the book he managed to get on the shelf.
“I hate you… soooo much Spike.” muttered Twilight, before passing out again due to the acute pain. And they lived happily ever after… until our NEXT story!
The Random Adventures of Equestria!
Episode 3: Freeing of the Fork of Destiny
Author's Note
The Nazism worsens as Sweetie Belle gets her swastika Cutie Mark. I'll try to cut down on the Nazism next story. Also, Donald Trump! I don't care if you are offended by this or not, if you think he's gonna run America good, then you have brain damage.
Episode 3: Freeing of the Fork of Destiny
Character Sheet:
We begin our story once again at Twilight’s Library (Where else would it be?...), where Jimmy, Jacob, and Spike are preparing for another one of Jimmy’s fucking collector items of silverware, ‘The Fork of Destiny’. “Why the fuck are we doing this again?” asked Jacob, shaking his head in dismay.
“It’s a collector’s item! One of a kind! It will set me closer to finishing my collection!” Jimmy squealed like a little school girl.
“...Fine.. but I want a new gun, this one’s really getting fucking boring” Jacob said in a sassy tone.
Twilight walked into the room where the three were preparing, “Why are you taking that little furball of period blood with you guys?” questioned Twilight.
“Because he wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it all night long to see his dragon relatives again, so he’s coming with.” Jimmy pouted.
“Where is this ‘Knife of Destiny’ or whatever,” quizzed Twilight like the curious little shit she is.
“Well let’s see shit for cocks, if I said ‘Spike’s dragon relatives,’ I’d say we’re headed into Dragon territory. Do you need for me to spell it out for you? I thought nerds were smart.” Jacob said angrily.
“Well fuckin fine then you little shit, have fun, and don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!” roared Twilight as she threw the group out into the street.
Jacob stood back up and shouted, “Calm your tits Milkmare 2015, sorry I’m not so nice when you almost let Fluttershy kill me, and not THANKING ME FOR SAVING YOUR ASS FROM HER SHED DUNGEON!”
Jimmy dusted himself off and sighed, “Guess we’re leaving now..” They all then walked off towards Dragon territory.
A good 30 minutes into the walk, Spike whispered to Jacob, “I think someone’s following us. I hear a lot of rustling coming from behind us every so often.” Jacob nodded, turned around immediately, drew his gun, and started spraying bullets into the forest. There was a sharp screaming sound, followed by immediate crying and whimpering.
Jimmy turned around and shouted, “What the FUCK just happened?!”
“Someone MAY have been following us, so I did what Uncle Hitler told me to do, shoot stalkers until they die. And clearly, they ain’t dead yet! So excuse me while I finish this thing off.” Jacob said as he turned around towards the screaming. The rest of the group raced to the source of the whimpering, hoping to watch Jacob finish off the stalker.
“Wait,” said Spike worriedly, “That’s Sweetie Belle, Rarity’s sister. Why are you following us?!”
“I thought maybe my Cutie Mark was in being a dragon!” She said cheerfully, almost forgetting the fact that she’d been shot.
“Well let’s see if your Cutie Mark is being murdered,” said Jacob, as he pointed the gun at her face.
“Believe me, you kill her Rarity will break all your bones, tear them out of your body, and shove them up your asshole.” said Spike in a scared voice.
“Well… that’s.. um… okay.. so um let’s try to NOT murder Sweetie Bell, I like my bones where they are.. but what about the bullet wound?” replied Jacob, mostly in thought. He then removed his Nazi symbol arm sash and put it tightly over her wound. “There, now you’re a bonafide Nazi, you now swear your undying life to the Sash, and will die by the code of ethics, that those who are weak, shall die!...” shouted Jacob, “Or just use that to stop the bleeding.”
Sweetie Belle, seeming to have completely forgotten about the fact that she was just fucking shot, replied happily “I swear my undying life to the code of ethics, that the weak shall perish, and the the regime is forever undying, now.. can I come with you guys?”
Jacob smiled briefly, “I like this little one, not only can she take a bullet, but she is one of us now. Welcome aboard squirt!” he then ruffled the hair on her head.
After a full day of travel, the sun began to sink above the horizon, and the group made camp. “Tell me more about Uncle Hitler, master!” Sweetie Belle said cheerfully.
“Sure thing little one, he was a very wise man, and unstoppable. Though a liar he let nothing stand in his way when it came to seizing territory for his regime.” Jacob replied.
Sweetie Belle asked curiously “But Master, how could I help serve the cause?”
“It’s hard to masturbate when I have paws, it’s even harder when listening to you two shit heads go on about Hilter or whatever the fuck,” shouted Spike from his tent.
“He’s right, y’know, while your role in the cause isn’t clear right now, it will be revealed soon, so rest now, we need you at your full strength” Jacob said smiling, and he ruffled her hair and went to his tent.
The party was asleep, until multiple gunshots were heard outside the tent. Jacob scrambled outside to see that Sweetie Bell had shot up a robber trying to steal from the campsite. “I got her good Master, do we eat her?” Screamed Sweetie Belle in delight.
“I dunno Sweetie Belle, she looks to be your age. Wait! This is perfect to prove your worth, kill her little one!” Jacob said in delight.
“Pl-please… no... I wa-wasn't stealing... honest.” muttered the small pony.
“Wait... Princess Tiara? Great! I wanted to eat you for a loooooong time now~!” Sweetie Belle squealed as she unloaded the clip into her face. The group just watched Sweetie Belle in horror as she started gutting the dead pony. It wasn’t until she started cooking it that the rest of the group got interested.
“Well.. I mean it isn’t cannibalism and I’m getting really tired of the fucking Twinkies™ ” Jimmy muttered.
“It does smell delicious..” Jacob said drooling. The 4 then ate their pony portions and went back to sleep with merry thoughts and full tummies.
At the crack of dawn, they packed up their things, put the remains in a doggy bag, and continued on in their journey for Jimmy’s gay fucking fork of something gay and dumb. “I take offense to that, it’s a precious artifact and blah blah blah, I’m a gay little shit and I don’t really know how I have gotten to this point in my life” screamed Jimmy at the sky. Yeah well you’re not so sure of yourself now are you? Let’s get one thing straight Jimmy, I direct the flow of things, you question me or my words and I’ll summon wolves to rape you to death.
The group then arrived at the dragon's lair “WEREN’T WE JUST AT A FOREST!?” screamed Jimmy, causing strange looks from the rest of the group.
“Just say the word and I’ll kill him master,” Sweetie whispered to Jacob, which earned her a chuckle and a pat on the head.
Just then a giant dragon appeared at the very entrance of the Lair, and hissed, “What business do you have here, fleshy ones?”
“We came here to steal your most precious of treasures, The… Fork.. Of.. Destiny!” Screamed Jimmy triumphantly. “Oh.. and Spike wanted to chill with his dragon kind.. because that went so well last time..” he muttered as an afterthought.
“Hey guys! Remember me? Spike? The baby dragon who chilled with you all that one time?... Guys?” Spike asked worriedly.
“...Where’d you get a talking cat at? That thing’s awesome!” roared a nearby Dragon (Who was probably stoned…).
“I CALL DIBS ON THE RIFLES!” Yelled Jacob as he charged into the lair, gun blazing, who was quickly followed by Sweetie Belle. The 2 greedily jumped into the pile of wealth the the dragon’s accumulated.
Just then a massive crash was heard, and a very embarrassed blue pony appeared.
“Rainbow, what are you doing here?!” yelled Jimmy
“I was competing in a CloudsDale Race but I must’ve…. went the wrong direction?” Replied the stupefied blue pegasus.
“You have to be the WORST fucking guards to ever watch over the pile!” boomed a loud sickly voice, just then a draconian crashed down amongst the party.
“W-who is that?!” squealed Spike.
“Wait,” replied Jimmy, “I know this guy, it’s Donald Trump!”
“That’s Dragon Trump to you cock breath,” steamed the half breed.
“You really are the ugliest soul in the universe” Rainbow chuckled, and looked towards Jacob, “How good of aim do you have with that pea-shooter of yours?”
Jacob looked down at Sweetie Belle, “You know what? I think she’s a better shot than I.” Jacob replied, as he then tossed Sweetie Belle on top of Rainbow Dash, with Sweetie Levitating a 12.8 cm Pak 44 with them. “Just do me 1 favor, shoot ‘em till his face is gone, I always hated the look of that ugly ass Oompaloompa.”
Dragon Trump looked at the gun and sarcastically replied “That pea-shooter ain’t gonna do shit to m-” He dashed to the left, barely escaping the shot “I MEAN OKAY MAYBE IT MIGHT DO A LOT-” Sweetie Belle shot again, this time grazing his left wing, tearing off the end of the ligament. “STOP FUCKING SHOOTING ME” he roared and took to the air, with rainbow flying after him.
“Just like an American coward to run away, SHOW HIM WHAT TRUE NAZI GERMANS CAN DO!” shouted Jacob. The shooting and flying continued, as Trump could make no attempt to even get close to the 2. Finally Sweetie Belle managed to clip his wing severely, causing him to crash into his own loot pile. Jacob Looked at the mangled remains of the draconian, scoffed, and emptied a clip into his face, and began beheading him. After the draconian was dead and Jacob got his prize, the group began the search for Jimmy’s fork.
After a good 16 minute search, the group found it settled in the bottom, with a label that said “To eat later” to which Jimmy screamed in horror “WHY WOULD HE EAT SUCH A TREASURE?” to which Spike replied
“That’s what dragons do, what do you think we do with our treasure, sit on it for centuries?”
“Um… yeah?” Jimmy said dumbfounded. Spike just stared at him with a look of both confusion and hate. They then left after finding Sweetie Belle a sidearm, which caused her cutie mark to appear.
“What is it what is it!?” she squealed in excitement.
“It’s a... swastika!” Jacob yelled in joy as picked up his little one and hugged her, they then all headed home and lived happily ever after…. until our next story!
The Random Adventures of Equestria!
Episode 5: Promptly Poisonous Plants
Author's Note
Sorry this came out later than expected. With school starting back it sure is a bitch, especially when all my classes are Agriculture
Regardless of my dismay which you care nothing about, here is the new story. Expect the next episode that wraps it up to come out soon. Or at least whenever Jimmy has free time, cause I'm always available to write stories
We thought it would be funny to put a spin on the CMC, since Jimmy hates them, I reccomended we each give them their own tick, or whatever. Scootaloo is a sex craving masochist
Sweetie Belle is a schizophrenic (Her's is more subtle)
And Applebloom is an alcoholic... who is also sex craving as well
Episode 5: Promptly Poisonous Plants
Character Sheet:
Our story begins in the CMC clubhouse (And for once, not the fucking Library)! “See you guys!” exclaimed Sweetie Belle, “This is the guy who helped me get my Cutie Mark!”
Jacob scanned the room, shrugged, and asked “Why.. uh.. am I here?”
“We thought maybe you could help us get our Cutie Marks, or spank us!” exclaimed Scootaloo.
“I *hic* thnk thay you are a vury *hic* sexie man, nao come here *hic* you shtalliun!” ranted Applebloom as she jumped towards Jacob.
"Eughh, don't touch me!” shouted Jacob, as Applebloom face planted right beside him, “Sweetie Belle you got some… weird friends.”
“We’re too weird!” Scootaloo insisted, “We’re naughty! You should discipline us!”
“Not doing that,” Jacob retorted, “Listen Belle if I’m not doing anything here I got a couch I need to be lounging naked on at home”
“I’ll *hic* gladly join you, as I *hic* am already nekked.” Applebloom slurred.
Jacob sighed heavily, “If all I’m doing is getting requested to fuck then I’m leaving before the police show up to arrest my pedopile ass.”
“No no no!” pouted the small white pony, “W-we have something planned! We were… um… g-g-gonna play hide and seek!”
“... We were?” faltered Applebloom.
“Yea you drunk sack of diarrhea! In the… the… the Everfree forest!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed.
Scootaloo, puzzled, remarked “I don’t remember discussing th-”
“Listen Scoots,” Sweetie Belle said pulling Scootaloo aside, “Do this for me and I’ll melt candle wax on your body later.”
“I LOVE HIDE AND SEEK!” roared Scootaloo, “Let’s go! Right now, right now, right now!”
“We’re not doing that,” Jacob objected, “I didn’t come here just to f-” Jacob noticed Sweetie Belle looked on the verge of tears. “I mea- I… Fine, we’ll play tag, for my little one.”
“He’s mine you *hic* dumb sadistic bitch, come at *hic* me bro!” Applebloom managed to mutter before faceplanting on the floor. The 3 then walk there way to Everfree forest, while the other 4th party member, wobbled their way there.
“So… what is this game of hide and seek?” Jacob questioned.
“It’s where you hit us with whips and call us your bitches!” Scootaloo proclaimed.
“That’sh not how!” Applebloom slurred, “Big Mac plays hide and *hic* shreak with me all the time, and that’sh not how we play it.. t. It’sh when he hides the *hic* Bourbon whiskey from meh,” she then whips out a bottle of the very same alcohol, “BUT!... I fi *hic*... find it errytime!”
“I swear I don’t know why I’m friend with both of you dick waffles,” the sad white filly sighed, “Let’s just play the game… 123-- NOT IT!”
“NOT IT!” Scootaloo shouted not so shortly after.
“Ermm… what is ‘it’?” Jacob asked
“Just say it!!!” Sweetie Belle asserted.
“... Not it?” Jacob said unsure.
Applebloom, who had just chugged the whole fucking bottle of Bourbon turned to them, “... Did I miss shomething?...”
“Hahah! Applebloom’s it! Okay, everyone hide!” Sweetie Belle jested as she then ran away.
“Hide with me,” Scootaloo said flirtatiously, tugging at Jacob’s uniform sleeve, “We can do naughty things while the drunkard looks for us.”
“Yea… no, you’re a young filly with the mind of a perverted ol shit who get’s off to nipple clamps and Bad Dragon dog shaped butt plugs.” Jacob scoffed.
“Mmmh, tell me more about these nipple clamps.” the small orange philly moaned.
“I’m out,” Jacob retorted, as he then walked into the forest.
“... Am I s’posed to be doin' something?” Applebloom asked.
“I swear if it weren’t for Belle I would have killed those 2 fillies. I have no problem killing kids, done it before.” Jacob grunted to himself. “Hmm, interesting wildlife this realm has, I’ve never seen some of these plants.” As he continued searching for a place to conceal himself so that the ‘seek’ may commence, Jacob stumbled upon a patch of blue looking flowers, with large leaves with bulbs and several petals sticking out of the center, and in the very center of the patch, was a hollow log, “Ah, that’d be a good hiding spot. Then again the ‘seeker’ is drunk off her shit.”
“Aww shit, you got me.” Sweetie Belle pouted as Apple Bloom tagged her, “Well, it took you long enough.”
“She got me too,” Scootaloo whined.
“Wait, have you found Jacob yet?” Sweetie Belle asked suspiciously.
“Nope, I haven’t found his hawt *hic* human ASS yet.” Applebloom slurred. The 3 then went out in search to find their beloved, sexy nazi friend. They searched for minutes, even hours, calling out his name and checking every nook and cranny they saw.
“I’m getting a little worried,” Sweetie Belle exclaimed, “m-maybe you 2 should go into Town and get some help from his other human friend.”
“Ish he *hic* hot?” Applebloom babbled.
“Ehh he’s… so-so. But THAT’S not the point! Go get help you 2 shit sacks, I’m gonna keep looking for him.” Sweetie said boldly. Applebloom and Scootaloo then ran towards Ponyville in order to find the silverware wielding shit head.
“Trixie does not see the problem,” Trixie moped, “Trixie followed you home and is now living with you.”
“That’s the problem you self adoring rapist! I didn’t say it was okay for you to crash at my pad when you have a good mansion to be living at.” Jimmy exclaimed. Just then the door bursted open, with Jimmy to be greeted by two very distressed fillies. “Great, everyone break into my fucking house! Let’s have a party!”
“What sorta party?” Scootaloo purred.
“You dum slut, we’re not *hic* here to parttie. We’re here to… Wait, why are *hic* we here again?” The drunk filly murmured.
“Oh yea, Mr. human, your sexy friend is lost in the Everfree forest, we need your help.” Scootaloo begged.
“Great, that dumb nazi shit head getting into more antics and dumb shit,” Jimmy moped. “I’m a little busy right now though, and to be honest he can stay lost for all I care.”
“I’ll let you rape me if you save him!” Scootaloo offered.
“WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH RAPE AROUND HERE?!” Jimmy cried.
“Okay Seinfeld, heheh… *hic*” giggled Applebloom
“Trixie will help look, if Trixie cannot get the attention of you, then Trixie will save your friend,” Trixie chimed.
“As much as I hate him, I don’t hate him enough to sick you onto him, so I guess I’m coming too.” Jimmy replied. The 2 fillies then led them to where they were playing tag, they then set out their search.
“... Trixie thinks she sees a boot jointing out of that log over there in that patch of blue flowers.” Trixie reported.
“Well let’s go check,” Jimmy replied. Trixie and Jimmy then began to make their way through the thicket of flowers to meet their Nazi friend stuck.
“What are you guys doing here?” Jacob asked, “Sorry, there’s a lot to this game I don’t understand.”
“Shut up smartass,” Jimmy grunted, “Now get out of that log.”
“Well, it appears I’m stuck, I’m sorry you two. I need help out” Jacob replied sadly
“Why are you being so nice all of a sudden?...” Jimmy asked annoyed “Whatever, hey home invaders, grab his other leg and pull.” As Jimmy gripped Jacob’s right leg and Trixie used her magic to grip the left, they managed to get Jacob out.
“Thank you, I don’t know why I’m being nice… I don’t rather like it.” Jacob replied confused.
Suddenly there was a shout coming not to far away from the group, “Y’all besht get outsa that *hic* poison joke, it’ll fuck ya up!” Applebloom cried.
“Oh no, I’ve heard of this stuff, it curses something something about you that you do often o-or your mobility,” Trixie said shaking.
“Oh, that’s a change, you spoke in first person and not third,” mentioned Jacob.
“OH NO, OH NO, OH NO! I can’t say my own name! We better get outta this stuff before it gets worse!” Trixie ranted.
“You got that right COCKHEAD.” Jimmy roared.
“Splendid,” Jacob sighed. “I turn nice, Trixie speaks in first person, and now Jimmy has tourettes…” The 3 then came from the poison joke, disappointed it had already taken it’s effect so quickly. Sweetie Belle ran towards Jacob and quickly rubbed against him.
“I’m sorry master,” she whimpered, “I shouldn’t have recommended playing out in the Everfree Forest.” Jacob then picked up Belle as he coddled her.
“There there Sweetie, the only thing that will suffer is the rage slowly building up inside me and most the humor that comes from this shitty story that no one’s going to read.” Jacob replied calmly.
“So what’s it going to FUCKING take to cure us of these ASSES… these curses?” Jimmy shouted.
“The lashht time that we got cursed by thish *hic* poison smoke was something about… Twilight I think… I don’t know, I was reeeeeally drukk at *hic* the time.” slurred the lil alcoholic philly.
“I… I want to say something insulting about her but I just… We need to get this cured ASAP!” Jacob declared.
“Agreed,” replied Trixie, “I can’t STAND talking like this.” The group ventured out of Everfree Forest, and went to Twatbright's library. Jacob entered the library, searched for Twilight, found her in the kitchen, and explained the situation.
Twilight laughed and asked “You 3 dick shits got into some poison joke? I’m curious, what did you get infected with?”
Jimmy blurted out “I don’t see SHIT why you need to FUCK know, just FUCKING tell us how to COCK cure it!”
Jacob sighed and said “I got nice, Jimmy seems to have spontaneous tourrettes, and Trixie, well she can’t speak in third person anymore, let alone say her own name.”
Twilight pondered a moment, before replying “Well that’s just… amazing! I mean damn, you being nice is awesome, Trixie not being able to be a stuck up sounding bitch is spectacular, and Jimmy having tourettes is hilarious. Why should I help you?”
“Because if not I’ll!... Treat you with the respect you deserve and not threaten to kill you!... Okay I can’t do this, Jimmy you say something threatening…” Jacob replied, with tears in his eyes.
“Alright listen here you little WHORE bitch, I can’t FUCK live like this, please COCK help me this is really starting to FUCK hurt” yelled Jimmy. Twilight, hearing this roared with laughter, and magic’d them out of her library.
Jacob stood up, turned to the library and yelled, “That was very rude of you to do, and I’d like an apology!”
A faint yell was heard from inside the library, “You’ll get an apology when I give a shit, now get off my property!” The 3 fillies waited outside waiting to hear the news.
“Any luck master?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Nope, as lovely as a woman she is, she kicked us out.” Jacob sighed, then started coughing and hacking violently, “Sorry, my immune system doesn’t like me being nice… This hurts a lot…”
“We could try and SHIT talk to AppleJack, maybe she’ll know the FUCKING cure” Jimmy suggested. The group head towards Sweet Apple Acres, standing in front of the family barn, where a loud scream was heard from inside.
WILL JACOB, JIMMY, AND TRIXIE BE STUCK WITH THEIR CURSE OF POISON JOKE? WILL THEY FIND A CURE? IS AJ IN TROUBLE? WHY AM I NOT WEARING PANTS? FIND OUT, ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF ADVENTURES OF EQUESTRIA!
The Random Adventures of Equestria!
Episode 6: Curing the Cancerous Curses
Author's Note
We weren't really sure the direction we were going to go with on this one. And to be quite honest it's my least favorite out of the stories we have wrote
It's not that bad, but it could be better. Regardless, please read on! Judge for yourself.
Episode 6: Curing the Cancerous Curses
Character Sheet:
We join the group again after being cursed by poison joke. Jimmy, Jacob, and Trixie having failed to convince Twilight to tell them where they can find the cure, they try their luck with Applejack, but what they find out, will be a surprise to them. “OH YES TOM, WHIP ME HARDER YOU DIRTY WHORE!” Was heard from inside inside the barn. The group creeped towards the barn doors and Trixie peeped inside.
“OH APPLEJACK, POUR MORE HONEY DOWN MY BACK IT FEELS AMAZING!” screamed Tom as he whipped AJ with what seemed to be an old belt.
Just then the door was kicked open by Trixie, “I would like to join in!” she declared
“Me too, me too!” Scootaloo squealed with glee, “Where’d you get the belt?!”
“... Damn sis, you *hic* look fiiiiiiiiiiiiine” Applebloom slurred.
“Uhh, this ain’t what it looks like y’all! Ah just… Ah jus’ spilled some honey on Tom and he got needlessly mad, a-an’ hit me with his belt!” Applejack blurted.
“That SHIT isn’t the problem, where’s the COCK cure for poison joke AppleFUCK?” Jimmy demanded.
Applejack turned and looked at Jimmy with a quizzical look “Uh.. what’s wrong with ‘im?”
“... I’m not saying anything until I can be mean again. Otherwise I might accidently compliment someone, like Tom on his 6 pac- NO, MUST FIGHT IT!” Jacob shouted.
“Well uh, las’ time ah was sick with that poison joke, Zecora fix’d me rite up! So ya’ll mite wanna meander on down to her place in that there Everfree Forest and she’ll fix ya’ll up quicker than my paw when he’s drunk an’ horny!” Applejack cheerfully replied
“Where does she COCK live? I’ve only seen SlenderSHIT when I go there.” Jimmy asked.
“I can help ya… *hic*” Applebloom muttered, “IF!... Tom does the *hic* same treatment for me, an’ you gimmie moar booze.”
“Tom is mine, you can have the brandy ya lil drunk, now get outta her’ so we can contin’ya with playin’ our lil game.” Applejack purred devilishly as she looked back at Tom.
“Ohh, forget the curse, lemme just stay here with the eye candy!” Trixie moaned.
“C’mon you SHIT” Jimmy yelled, as he dragged her out by her tail. Sweetie Belle had to runs some errands for her bitch of a sister, while Scootaloo… well she stayed and watched. So Trixie, Jacob, and Jimmy were lead by the extremely drunk philly to Zecora’s house. After getting lost about seven times, turning around four times, and an unscheduled vomit about twice, they found Zecora’s hut.
“Knocking is an important thing, rather than breaking and entering.” Zecora chimmed.
“Zecora, we’ve been FUCKED infected with poison joke, I’ve COCK been told that you know how to cure it, can you help us SHIT?” Jimmy requested.
“Without even telling me your curse, I now know it’s a problem with cursing spurts.” Zecora then turned her head to Trixie and Jacob. “But foolish horse and tall young man, tell me what plagues you my children.”
“This is going to sound stupid. I have a problem with being overly nice, and Trixie can’t say her name…” Jacob sighed.
She pondered for a moment, then turned to Jimmy, “With one decision you are faced, you must eat a bowl of milk and toothpaste.” Zecora stated.
“But… but that’s FUCKING disgusting.” Jimmy shouted, before shortly sighing, “...Do you have any toothpaste and COCK milk?” asked Jimmy.
“If you are to drink the putrid mix, your cursing problem it will surely fix.” Zecora replied. With that, Zecora began gathering the materials for the cure for Jimmy’s infliction.
“What about us?” Trixie moped.
“For every curse there is a cure, but between you two I am not sure.” Zecora replied, puzzled. “Human is it all that bad, to be so nice and not so mad?”
“If I stay nice for too long my organs begin to shut down. It’s a disease I was born with. I think I can smell my blood in my lungs…” Jacob replied slightly wheezing. “Plus ninety percent of the stories humor revolves around vulgar language, without me it’s missing a huge chunk of it…”
Zecora examined Jacob closely, grinned and whispered “To rid yourself of this cacophony, you must have sex with a pony.”
“Certainly a step up from being a furry… Is there no other way?” Jacob moped.
“Perhaps eating a chunk of brain, that could put an ease to your pain.” Zecora said deep in thought.
“Well alright I’ll have sexual intercorse with a horse then...” Jacob stressed.
“What about meeeeee” whined Trixie.
“I-I can do it! *hic* I’m a b.. big girl now!” Applebloom stammered.
“Little one you are far too little for such acts of perversion. Trixie is kinda the only one willing and close by, as much as I hate this, I’m gonna have to… tap dat ass.” Jacob said disgusted.
“Come with me, let’s get some privacy” Trixie purred as she pulled Jacob out of the room.
“Jesus, Buddha, Akatosh, Satan, Tom Hanks, Pastafarians, please help me.” Jacob whined. So uh.. whilst they were doing the dirty, Zecora handed Jimmy his toothpaste cereal.
“So.. here goes PISS nothing” muttered Jimmy as he chugged the vile concoction. After a few minutes, Jimmy exclaimed, “Hey, I feel a lot SHIT!... Nevermind.”
“You foolish ones believed that raff, I was simply doing it for laughs.” Zecora said cheerfully.
“Ya best be COCK kidding me!” Jimmy yelled as he brandished his weapons.
“Twilight bribed me not to tell, these bag of shrooms are quite the spell.” Zecora said holding a bag of mushrooms in her mouth.
“Wait.. WHAT?” Jacob screamed as he burst into the room, fully naked and looking flustered.
“D-don’t hurt me and I’ll reveal the cure, it’s as simple is a scrape or sore. The cure is a taking a bubble bath, it’s just as simple as that.” Zecora replied in fear.
“Give. Me. A. Towel.” Jacob muttered, with a slight nosebleed.
“Holy FUCK dude, you okay? You’re SHIT bleeding out your COCK nose.” Jimmy stated.
“I. AM. NOT. OKAY. GIVE. ME. A... TOWEL.” Jacob shouted, shortly before collapsing.
“It would seem your friend is in critical condition, saving him now is our only mission.” Zecora said, scrambling to get Jacob into the bathroom. After half an hour, Jacob came to in the tub of Zecora’s hut. Just then a knock was heard on the bathroom door.
“Due to your excessive bleeding, just making sure that you’re still breathing.” Zecora muttered.
“Get the fuck out and let me enjoy my bath before I shove this bar of soap down your throat and out your ass..” Jacob said without even making eye contact.
“Zecora, quick question, I thought this was supposed to be a bubble bath, so why did you put carrots and spices in with me!?” yelled Jimmy from her living room thing I guess, the show never was really clear where she did her potion making for all we know it coulda been in her outhouse because dis bitch crazy.
“Are you done in there yet? Trixie’s ready for round two!” Trixie chimed.
“Sorry to tell ya this, licking my eyeballs doesn’t exactly turn me on. So…if you even attempt at having sex with me again, I’ll peel your skin off and make you eat it while you’re still breathing” Jacob replied.
So in the end, the group thought about getting revenge on Twilight, but they resolved to do it later. For now, however, Jacob went back to the mansion, Applebloom stole some of Zecora’s brandy, Trixie moved in with Jimmy, (On the condition that she pays for the rent, utilities, and does basically everything.) and Zecora got back to doing whatever the hell she normally does. And they all lived happily ever after… Until our next story!
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The Random Adventures of Equestria!
Episode 7: The Princesses Problematic Paroxysm
Author's Note
Well this one was an explosion of creativity, and probably my newest favorite
In case you don't know [Which 85% chance you don't know], Charles Dark was the black guy in our Pilot episode who threatened Jimmy at the very beginning.
Not that we're all that big on popularity, I mean let's face it we got a handful of people who've read the story, and even less to who's following us. If you have any friends or something you think would like this, please show it to them. Me and Jimmy write these for the sake of making each other laugh and be creative, but we also write them for you guys
Uhh... that's about it! Read on, or go back to watching your Turtle penis video.
Episode 7: The Princesses Problematic Paroxysm
Character Sheet:
“Trixie, you can’t pay the house off with weed! Stop spending money on weed and instead use it towards the rent!” Jimmy screamed annoyed. Twilight burst through the door with a letter levitating in front of her.
“Hey cock noodles, apparently you drew a bit of attention to yourself at Trixie’s shitty mansion party, that she no longer even fucking owns! The princess is really fucking pissed over the death of those two faggot kids, and you need to come clear it up with me in Canterlot.”
“...Right now? Cuz I’m kinda bu-”
“Now faggots, or we’ll all get hanged for fucking murder!” interrupted Twilight.
“What about Jacob, he was involved too!” Trixie whined.
“I’m already out here you autistic cum eating dwarves. Hurry the fuck up, I’m freezing my ass off!” Jacob yelled. They headed off to Canterlot, unsure of what awaits them. After a boring half hour train ride, they arrived to the city, where what awaited them were 2 royal guards, and many whispers among countless amounts of ponies.
“Is that the nigger killing spoon wielder?” whispered one pony.
“What’s with that uniform on the other one?” wondered another.
“Damn that purple bitch is sexy.” a masculine voice whispered.
“Silence citizens of Canterlot. This business does not concern you, move about your day as is.” One of the guards’ voice thundered.
“Fuck you, you dirty pigs. Fuck the system.” Yelled a stoner pony.
“You 3, come with me to the Castle the princess awaits.” the 2nd guard said sternly. Without much a choice they all followed the guard all the way to the castle. After traversing through like 20 fucking unnecessarily huge doors, they then stood before the princess.
“Oh haii~! Took you guys long enough to get here.” Molestia replied, appearing quite happy.
“Sorry princess, I came as quickly as I could.” Twilight replied disappointed.
“THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! *Snort*... Anyway, you 2 must be the humans I heard about. Made a huge name for yourself huh? Saving Ponyville, killing a King Dragon, and the blonde one for being a horse fucker.” Molestia teased.
“Oh fuck you, it was that or dying.” Jacob barked. The guards took a stance as though ready to charge.
“Ohh, we got one with a bit of bite, ruff~! And I doubt the cure to Poison joke is fucking a pony, now is it?” Molestia questioned.
“I… shut up… Zecora that dumb bitch. And fuck YOU Twilight for bribing her to lie to us, the fuck bruh?” Jacob nagged.
“Enough, we’re here simply to clarify to the princess of what happened that night at Trixie’s.” Twilight began, “Now princess, it was not our int-”
“Silence nerd, I made that up as an excuse so I could get you guys down here.” Molestia groaned. “As if I care about some kids dying, I hate kids. In fact I should give you two a high-hoof and a round of beer.” Celestia then turned her attention to Jimmy, “Ah Jimmy, savior of Equestria, how are you?”
“Everything’s been downhill after I got that spoon you gifted me. What with the attempts on my life and the attempts at rape here and there.” Jimmy replied dully.
“Trixie will get you eventually, Trixie swears it!” Trixie boldly remarked.
“Yo, is that Jimmy’s voice I just heard?” Just then a black pony with a flowing blue aura mane walked in. “Jimmy! Bruh! what’re you doing here?!”
“I killed a kid and your sis thought it to be a good idea for me to drop by again.” Jimmy explained.
“You gotta see this new PC I just built, it plays practically anything, all at 120 fps!” Luna exclaimed.
“You ever get that Dorito and Mt Dew dispenser up and running in your room?” Jimmy asked excitedly.
“Hmm, maybe. You’ll just have to come see.” Luna said teasingly. And with the Jimmy ran up with Luna to her room.
“How am I not surprised your sister is fedora wearing, socially awkward, neck beard loving, otaku or some shit.” Jacob said to Molestia jokingly.
“Dude, we’re rich. We buy her all the fedoras and anime pillows she wants. Kinda sick, but she’s family… Tried to kill me once.” Molestia explained.
“So… why ARE we here?” Twilight asked, puzzled.
“I was bored, and Luna was lonely and wanted to see Jimmy again.” Molestia replied nonchalantly.
“That bitch taking Trixie's man away from her .” Trixie whispered to herself.
“So, Mr. Blondie, since you’ll fuck a horse. Wanna fuck~?” Molestia purred.
“I swear it’s like mating season 24/7 in this fucking realm. And no thanks! I don’t wanna fuck a horse, especially you. I bet your pussy smells like 1000 gallons of cum found its way into a sewage system.” Jacob groaned.
“Look you can either say yes or I can drag you down to the rape dungeon and do it there. They don’t call me Molestia just cause it’s my name ya know.” Molestia retorted.
“Well the idea of fucking a pony does disgust me, but I do like sex dungeons, so maybe instead of raping me, how about you show me what you got?” Asked Jacob.
“Changed your act around there pretty quick,” Molestia replied confused,” You like sex dungeons?”
“They’re like a 2nd torture chamber. They have whips, blindfolds, duct tape, that sorta shit.” Jacob replied. “You ever use that place to torture or humiliate people?”
“Only if they want me too~!” Molestia chimmed. Their conversation was cut short by a cannon being shot and yells being heard. “Oh, looks like we’ve got company, I’ve always wanted to try out the nut zapper~” Screamed Molestia in delight.
“First off, keep that thing far away from me, secondly, WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!” Jacob yelled startled. Just then wave after wave of Zebra’s came charging into the castle.
“Oh we’re under attack, nice something exciting! Welp it was nice knowing you Princess!” yelled Jacob as he pulled out his mp40 and ran up the stairs and into the fray screaming.
“What’s happening sister?” Luna shouted running down the stairs.
“Get the fuck out of the way, I don’t wanna die!” Jimmy yelled as he pushed Luna down the stairs, he then fell over too, losing his balance… What a pansy.
“Quick you 4, get down the the sex dungeon, it’s the safest place!” Molestia instructed.
“No sister, last time I went into the dungeon, you hit me in the head with a brick and I was in a coma for half a year!” screamed Luna.
“In the words of Shia Labeouf, JUST DO IT!... Or help, I really don’t care if any of you die… ‘cept you sis!” Molestia repeated, after lookin at dat flank of her sisters, she abruptly flew into the air and flew the fuck out to help defend the kingdom.
“HOREH SHET” screamed Rainbow as she crashed into Molestia.
“Wut!?” Molestia cried as she struggled to recover from the hit.
“Oh sorry Princess I was training and when I saw the army I came as quick as I could!” yelled the particularly stupid Pony.
“I’m too stressed to make a ‘That’s what she said’ joke. Now if you’re gonna help then get your hot ass in there and help me fight the Zebras off!” Molestia panted. The party came outside and observed the situation.
“We don’t have the elements of harmony so we can’t rainbow them away like we normally do, Jacob, can you hold them off with your gun with Jimmy so we can set up fortifications in the main hall?” pleaded Twilight.
“In a panic you don’t make a plan, you just fucking act! Do whatever you want, and leave the murder to me!” Jacob shouted.
A guard ran up to Molestia and exclaimed “Princess, they’ve gotten through the main gates and they’re pillaging our market district, what do we do?”
“We have no other choice, I shall speak to the leader.” Molestia replied. “Jacob, Jimmy, Rainbow Dash, please come with me.” The 4 then fought their way outside, once out into the fray, Molestia boldly shouted “Who leads these Zebras?!”. All the fighting stopped, the struggles, the looting… the raping... Until a voice was heard.
“That’d be me, Princess.” chuckled a hooded figure. He then summoned a winged dark pony to his side, who flew up to meet Molestia. As he approached near, he removed the hood from his head, revealing his face, much to their surprise he was 8 foot, black, and missing his eye. “The name is Charles Dark.” He then turned his attention to Jimmy, “‘Ey white boy, rememba me?” he paused, waiting for an answer, “Really? Cause you the one who took ‘is from me,” he exclaimed as he pointed to the hollow hole in his head where an eye would normally be.
“It… It can’t be!” Jimmy stammered.
“Yea, and I’ve come for revenge. ‘Ey princess, you han’ ova that boy, and I call off my attack. You refuse, your people gon’ die, yo sister gon’ die… and you gon’ die.” Charles demanded.
“No one kill him,” Molestia ordered. “... You’re gonna be the main attraction to my sex dungeon.” she responded with a grin.
“Well, I should warn you Charles, I got a few more weapons since last we met” Jimmy laughed as he ripped off his shirt, revealing his flabby titties, and the weapons he had gathered in his travels. He grabbed the Silver Spoon and raised it up towards the sky and a sharp horn sound erupted from it, causing Charles to cover his ears.
“What the fuck is that and why is it so loud?!” Rainbow remarked.
Luna then burst through the doors leading outside recognizing the sound, “The MLG horn blazer!” she squealed.
Rainbowdash saw this as an opportunity, as she rammed into Charles’ gut, knocking the wind out of him and catching him off guard. Jacob grabbed Charless’ arms and pressed them against his back, leaving him defenseless. Jimmy, still raising his spoon to the sky, struck the nigger across the face, knocking him out. The Zebra’s then quickly learned of their scheme and rushed to save their commander.
“Put him on my back Jimmy! Jacob, Rainbow, hold them off!” Molestia instructed, as she flew away with Jimmy and Charles' on her back.
Luna quickly rushed out to where Jacob and RD remained, carrying a quite bulky mechanism with tubes in a circular fashion, "You think that pea shooter of yours is good, wait 'till you see this thing." The tubes of the mechanism began to slowly rotate, they continued to pick up speed until it began to fire.
"What the hell is that thing?!" Jacob screamed in awe.
"The Doritos™ Minigun!" She shouted before Nacho Cheese Doritos began shooting out at a high rate of fire, impaling the oncoming zebras in a cheesy baked chip slaughter. A fine red-orange mist appeared along the direction of the zebras, Luna ceased fire, watching the mist clear. Once it did, all that laid before them were the dead bodies of the once furious zebras.
"I think I'm in love..." Jacob whispered to himself, "How much for the gun!?"
"It isn't for sale, now come, I'm sure my sister needs our assistance now." Luna stated. They traversed the many corridors, scattered with dead bodies, both guards and zebra soldiers, until they made it back into the throne room, where Molestia just got done locking Charles up.
“That was a rush, I think I get more ‘a rush outta battle than I do sex.” Molestia said grinning. "Hey sis, how'd the gun work out?
"Better than expected dear sister!" She replied smiling ear to ear, "I MLG'd the hell out of them, there are no more remaining zebras."
"This calls for a celebration!" Molestia exclaimed, "Orgy in the sex dungeon at 8 pm, stick around if you're interested~!"
“I'll pass... Hey Jimmy,” Jacob began, “since when did your spoon put out an OBNOXIOUS DEAFENING NOISE?!”
“I took care of that,” Luna professed, “I enchanted it with the strength of that of a MLG gamer!”
“Nerd…” Trixie mumbled to herself.
Fade to black…
Charles then awoke, unknowing how long he was out, however it appeared he had been chained up to a wooden table.. with no clothes on. “Man, tha fuck is ‘is?! What happened ta me?”
“Hey, your awake!” cheered a gray pony.
“Ey, who said that?! Where am I” Charles cried, moving his head around.
“*giggle* I’m Derpy! You’re in the tickle room. The Princess comes in here and kisses and touches on you and make you feel silly.” She happily replied
“Yes, for you Derpy. But for him, it’s going to be a whole other story,” Molestia purred as she walked into the room, as she levitated a whip and a mouth gag over to Charles.
So with that Charles spend all eternity in Molestia’s rape dungeon, Trixie tried to rape Jimmy as soon as they got home, Twilight spent another day of ass kissing running errands for the Princess, Jacob returned to his couch back home at his mansion, Rainbow Dash continued to show up in unexpected places, Luna spent the rest of the day 360 no-scoping n00bs on MW3, and they all lived happily ever after… until our NEXT story!
The Random Adventures of Equestria!
Episode 8: Treatment to the Traumatic Trio
Author's Note
Sorry this one took longer than expected, porn and real life problems got in the way, not only that, but we started writing a story and half way through we realized we didn't like it, so we scrapped it
But this one is here now, another CMC episode, much as I'm sure everyone loves those
Episode 8: Treatment to the Traumatic Trio
Character Sheet:
“Master, do we really have to do therapy?” Sweetie Belle moped to Jacob, walking down the cobblestone path to the clinic with her ‘friends’, Scootaloo and Applebloom.
“Well I would say no in most any case,” Jacob began, “ but your sister and her friends didn’t appreciate you burning down the school for the third time this month. As fun as it is to burn shit, burning that shit was pretty bad. She also says not only is it the school, it’s the whole act you’ve been putting up ever since you met me. What’s even dumber than that is she told me to walk you guys there, so she doesn’t trust me but she trusts me enough to lead you three dysfunctional shits to the therapist.” They arrived at the clinic, and as they opened the door a waft of old people and medicine surrounded them.
“Oh god it smells like the old POW camps back in WW2” muttered Jacob, pinching his nose shut. As they entered the building an old man wearing a clean yet wrinkled doctors coat with the sleeves bundled, where the arms should be, stumbled towards them.
“Ah, you little critters must be my 4 o’clock, please take a form from the front desk and I’ll be right with you.”The old man said smiling warmly.
“Shure thang… Stumpy *hic* heheh…” Applebloom slurred. With that they went to the waiting room and did waiting room things.
“Oh, hello there” a very boring gray looking pony said even more dull than she looked. “I’m here to get therapy for my boyfriend Boulder, what are you here for?”
“Multiple things actually. These girls are like a spin-the-wheel of messed up quirks. But they’re mainly here ‘cause they burned down a school…” Jacob replied rubbing the back of his head.
“Oh… how interesting” She replied flatly. “Boulder has been restless the last couple of nights,” She said holding up a rock in her hoof, “Hopefully he gets the care he needs. I care so deeply for him.”
“*hic* This.. *hic* bitch is crazy” mumbled Applebloom.
“THROW THAT ROCK AT ME AS HARD AS YOU CAN!” Scootaloo shouted standing up on her back hooves on her chair.
“Sit down you fucking duck, even a nazi has more social skills than you do.” Jacob groaned, pushing her head down back into the seat.
An enthusiastic yet sickly pink pony with the ends of her hair forming into tentacles, and massive yellow eyes approached the four, “Hi! Here are the forms you are required to fill out. Also, have you heard of our lord and savior Ebola?”
“HITLER IS OUR SALVATION YOU GROSS PINK WHORE!” screeched Sweetie Belle, and she smacked the forms out of her mouth.
“MY GOD IS BETTER THAN YOUR GOD BITCH!” Screamed Ebola-chan as her tentacle hair whipped out and aggressively wrapped around Sweetie Belle’s neck.
“NURSE! Control yourself!” another nurse screamed from the front desk. Ebola-chan slowly released the hold she had on Belle’s neck staring her down with immense ferocity and hatred, then stormed off. The old doctor then walked into the waiting room looking flustered.
“Sorry about that.. she’s new and is a bit of a hothead, you aren’t hurt, are you?” He asked, with a look of worry.
“Nah, she couldn’t do anything to me that the voices haven’t already done!” chirped Sweetiebelle.
“Wha… Alright, so anyway I’m ready for Scootaloo.” He stuttered.
“My body is ready.” Scootaloo replied cheerfully.
“J-just… follow me to this room, alright?” replied the armless withered old man.
The two walked into the neatly decorated room. Much more spacious and decorated than the smelly waiting room filled with dying old ponies.
“So, is this the part when you stick me with needles and light me on fire?” Asked Scootaloo.
The old man looked at her, surprised and mortified, “Good heavens no child, in fact we’re here to fix that very problem. You need to stop with such outbursts in public, asking of such horrific acts, and most certainly the acts themselves.”
“Aw.. but I love doing those things, why would I want to stop?”
“Well, your body is like a temple. You need not damage your temple any further than you already have. Tell me, why do you hurt yourself so much? Parental issues or problems at home?”
“Well, I don’t have a home. I kind of just follow my friends around and try to fit in. My parents died after I was born. They decided to drink and fly. It didn’t end well. So… in a way I’m kinda like batman! Minus the millions of dollars and the batcave… I wish I had an Alfred” she replied, sounding more upset about being batman than being an orphan.
“I think we’re getting off topic, where do you sleep now? On the streets?”
“I sleep in a treehouse on a splintery wooden floor in a field that grows apples.”
“Have you, at the very least, considered buying a mattress or even a blanket?”
“Why would I? The splinters digging into my back feels marvelous and the cold digs deep into my bones!”
“Well Scootaloo, that’s all the time we had. I would love to get to know more about you, so I will schedule you and your friends in for another visit in for next week, same time same place. Try to overcome the lust you get from pain, and also try to find better living conditions.”
“Whatever, next time I come here you better have some hot coffee to throw in my eyes.” Scootaloo mumbled to herself as she left the room.
“Applebloom, you’re next.” The old man said as he entered the waiting room.
“*hic* Shure, only if you got the *hic* gud shet.” Muttered Applebloom as she wobbled walking into the therapy room place thing.
“So Applebloom, I can already tell you have a drinking problem, now I wa-”
“Nah nah... nah *hic* I purty much got it figured out!... I have a problum waiting f- *hic* for my next drank s’all.”
“Tell me Applebloom, why do you drink?”
“Cause it tashtes gud… *hic*”
“Now Applebloom, no one drinks ‘because it tastes good,’ I’m sure there’s a better reason why you’re drinking. This is a very open place, no need to feel threatened to tell the truth here.”
“I dunno… I gues its just that it makes everytin feel better *hic*.”
“You don’t have to rely on alcohol to improve your life. Take a walk, go vacationing to somewhere you’ve never been before, eat a sandwich even.”
“But I *hic* hav an allegory… I meen allergy to gluten… or whamever ish called.”
“Did you know many alcohols contain gluten in them, Applebloom?”
“*hic* but.. fin.. you got me duc. aye guis I’ll *hic* listen to yur advise.. burt I’m nawt quitin kold turkie ya hear!”
“Well I think that went very well Applebloom. Though I will expect to see you here next week, same time, same place.” The two walked back into the waiting room. Well… one walked, the other stumbled and tripped over a table.
“Alright Sweetie, you’re next and then you can all go home. Unless Jacob wants an appointment too” he replied jokingly.
“If I go in that shrink hole with you I swear on the furher I’ll beat you with your own arms! Or… your legs. Actually. I… whatever sorry about your arms.”
“Oh boy oh boy I can’t wait to tell you what the voices told me to tell you!” squealed Sweetie Belle.
“Neither can I…” The doc mumbled sheepishly. They once again arrived at the feely good feely good place that is the feely room of… feels. “Alright Sweetie Belle, it’s just us. You can tell me anything you like.”
“Nuh uh, Clarke is in here with us too!”
“Who’s Clarke?”
“He’s the voice in my head. He says silly things and tells me to do things sometimes. If I don’t he screams until I do it...”
“Tell me about what Clarke looks like, who does he remind you of?”
“Clarke doesn’t have a figure. He’s ethereal, he kinda sunk into my mind one night while I was sleeping. Ever since then we talk to each other in my head.”
“What do you do for him, if you don’t mind me asking of course.”
Sweetie Belle sat in silence for a second with a dull look on her face, staring deep into the eyes of the sweet old man, “... Okay, Clarke says it’s fine! Uhh, he’ll just ask me to do stuff for him to ‘prove my loyalty’ as he says. He told me to kill a cat once, poor Oppel, I can still hear her scream.”
“Okay.. how about Jacob, what’s your relationship with him?”
“We’re head over hooves in love with each other!”
“He seems more like a father figure to you.”
“I’m okay with my dad fucking me! Who wouldn’t be?”
“Sweetie Belle, I’m gonna be honest with you, it seems like you have an extreme case of schizophrenia.”
“Uh oh… Clarke didn’t like you saying that…”
“Sweetie, come back tomorrow. Same time. Same place, we’re going to explore this further”
“Sure.. sure.. doc.. do you have a bathroom around here?”
“Yes, over to your right, go ahead in.”
“Thanks…” Sweetie Belle replied as she stood up and went to da baffrum. The doctor stood up and checked to see if the hidden tape recorder is still recording. Once he confirmed that it was indeed still recording he started speaking into the microphone.
“Scootaloo, while obviously having masochistic tendencies won’t be much of a danger to herself or others for now, will keep a close eye on her behavior. Applebloom is however a clear alcoholic and has most likely permanently damaged her brain. going to try and look into her family, didn’t notice any bruises but her psyche is clearly damaged from domestic affairs. Sweetie Belle, severe schizophrenia for sure. Medication is going to be needed for most of her adult life. Afraid of what this ‘Clarke’ character made her do.” With that he slammed his face on the recorder, turning it off. “I miss my arms…” he said to himself with a sigh.
The doctor stood up and proceeded out to the waiting room. He motioned the three over and informed them of how the sessions went, and reminded them again of their next session.
“Wait, where’s Sweetie Belle?” Jacob asked suspiciously
“She had to use the bathroom. I normally don’t speak about my patients into great depth, but you are more of a guardian of her than anyone else, including her own sister. No offense sir, she is clearly schizophrenic, and may need medication several times today, she will require more visitation as to peg down her exact affiliation with the Clarke character she described, with more research I can see just what may be best prescribe to her. As for the o-” Just then the sound of the fire alarm sounded. Ponies beginning to panic, running around screaming. Jacob sensed that Sweetie Belle was the culprit, he ran to the bathroom and kicked down the door. Before him laid an unconscious pony and a very very smoke riddled bathroom. He braved the burning room as he rushed in and scooped her up. However opening the door allowed the smoke to escape and the fire to spread into the room.
“Psychiatrist-kun, the front automatic doors are blocked and won’t open,” Ebola-chan said, running into the room, followed by Maud.
“Please, save Boulder, take me instead you damned fire.” She replied very… boringly.
“I have an idea,” Jacob said reassuringly, he turned to the window in the doctor’s feely good office of feel-good™, and shot it open. “C’mon, get through the damn window if you value your life!”
One by one, the threw themselves out the window, Jacob helping the doc out the window, since ya know, he ain’t got no hands… Once out the building was already smothered in flame and smoke.
“What of the others?” The doc asked shaking. Just then the building collapsed into itself, most likely killing everyone inside.
“... What others?” Scootaloo asked.
“C’mon, breathe damn you!” Jacob said, pushing into Sweetie Belle’s chest, clenching his teeth, tears forming around his eyes.
Professor Armless quickly approached them, “I know CPR, allow me.” Jacob was fighting the notion to either kill him or allow him to try. He quickly stood up and moved out of the way to give him room. The doc propped her on her side, and kicked her as hard as he could in her chest, immediately her eyes shot open, coughing up puff after puff of black smoke.
“Eheheh, you look lika *hic* cigarette” stammered Applebloom.
Jacob pushed the doctor aside and quickly cradled Sweetie in his arms, “Little one, why do something as deadly as what you did?!”
“Clarke... “ Was all she could muster. Jacob embraced her closer to him, thanking furher she was not killed.
“Clarke won’t bother you anymore honey, we’ll get the help you need.”
“Good luck with that, what with the ONLY FUCKING PSYCHIATRISTS PLACE BURNED DOWN!” Ebola-chan thundered.
“It’s okay Master… I think he got smothered out by the smoke… I only need one person to tell me what to do… you.” Sweetie Belle coughed.
“Well I’m prescribing you some Clozapine, and a restraining order away from me.” The Doc sighed.
“I’m going back to the rock farm, maybe Boulder will be fine after all.” Maud said dully.
“I will follow as well, I originally had a room in the basement of that now crushed building to sleep in, since it’s now gone I will take up residence with you.” Ebola-chan replied, clearly upset, “Do you have any spare bedrooms?”
“We have the rock storage silo available.”
“Perfect, just get me the fuck outta here.” With that Ebola-chan and Maud walked back to the rock farm.
“I’m going home, getting a nice big glass of whiskey, and forgetting this day happened,” the doc said to himself, and began moping back to his house, while Applebloom tagged along, hoping to score some booze.
Jacob carried Sweetie Belle back to her house, explaining to Rarity what had happened, and helping her into bed. With that the left the boutique in return of his mansion, and his luxuriant sofa that awaited his naked body. He paused for a moment on the way back, and turned around, noticing Scootaloo following from a distance, trying her best to stay hidden behind an oak tree. “Come on out Scootaloo, I can see you cowering.” With that she slowly trotted out from behind the tree, looking embarrassed and even a bit sad. “Why the tears little one?”
“Well… the doc kinda thinks the tree house is a bad idea for me to sleep in. I tried to sneak into Rarity’s to stay there, but she locked the door behind her, so I was…”
“Spit it out.” Jacob said, folding his arms into each other, resting them on his belly.
“... Was going to try to sneak into your mansion,” murmuring the last bit. Jacob was about to scold her, but saw just how serious she was being, and how close she was to the brink of tears, she almost looked like… Sweetie Belle.
“I… Fine, but don’t take this in a good way. You will clean the house and watch over it while I’m gone. Understood?” Scootaloo did not answer, she walked up to Jacob, rubbing her head against his pant leg, smiling. Jacob rubbed the back of his head, blushing, “T-that’s a yes then. Next time use your words.” The two walked back home together, and they all lived happily ever after… until our NEXT story!
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The Random Adventures of Equestria!
Episode 9: Germatic Gems Generating Problems
Character Sheet:
“So you just pick up the mud and throw it at each other!” Sweetie Belle said enthusiastically.
“... I still don’t get the point of this mud war, and why do we have to do it at the treehou-” Jacob was cut off by a huge wad of mud hitting him square in the chest, knocking the breath out of him.
“Gotcha!” Scootaloo shouted.
“WHEN I’M DONE WITH YOU, YOU’LL BE LIKE THAT DAMN DOCTOR WITH FOUR NUBS OF LEGS!” Jacob roared
“I’d love for you to! Come at me big boy, GIMMIE ALL YOU GOT!” Scootaloo giggled
“Ey bischs… *hic* lookie who I found eatin bark off our trees,” Applebloom stammered, coming up from behind them, with a human boy with her.
“I thot dey wear apurles. High der. Mah name’s Sterven!” The plump little twelvie pointed at himself, and then pulling up his shirt revealing a shit-stained gem.
“...is that what I think it is?” Jacob grimaced at the gem.
“Its a ruse quartz it used to be me mums but aye gurt it aftur she dieded.” Steven explained.
“I wasn’t talking about the gem, I was talking about the fucking brown streaks all over it. Have you been rubbing your shit all over your gem you autistic fuck?” Jacob gagged.
“Why do you have a gem in your stomach? Did someone stab you with it and you just not go to a hospital?” Belle asked, very puzzled by the cross eyed dopey boy before her.
“I waz burn wit et!” he exclaimed.
“... You were born with a gem permanently stabbed into your gut? How does it feel?! Painful?! Lemme try it!” Scootaloo shouted, hopping up and down.
“I onlie haz it becuz am a gem and am vury speshal liek mai gem famlee tolded me aye wuz!” proclaimed Steven.
“If I hear this kid say one more sentence I fear I’m going to get terminal brain cancer…” Jacob grunted.
“But Jacob, this…. thing.. could help us with our adventures! Or well. Atleast be a punching bag if we’re bored” suggested Sweetie.
“Be that as it may, I don’t want him following us around. I’m afraid of catching mental retardation from this kid. I can feel my brain cells killing themselves.” Jacob replied.
“Es murdrdur ileagle?...” Applebloom asked.
“Well we got away with Sweetie Belle murdering an entire building of ponies, and we’ve already killed 2 kids in this story, why not make it 3?” Jacob said, with an evil grin.
“STERVEN DUN WUNNA DIE TODEY!” Steven yelled in alarm as he realized they were talking about him. He clapped his hands and a bubble erupted around him. Jacob quizzically shot at the bubble with his MP40 but it just rebounded off the bubble. Sweetie approached the bubble and gingerly touched it.
“Liquid autism… the most illusive of liquids… how do you store such a large amount of it inside of you!?” She exclaimed.
“Me mommie and dadi both had the autismis, so dey sayd am like autism squared!” he exclaimed, almost forgetting he was literally just being shot at.
“Welp. This is Twilight’s area of expertise so I’m gonna go find that purple bitch. Also. Sweetie Belle, we’re gonna have a talk about how you know about this ‘liquid autism’ later.” Jacob muttered, walking off to Twilight’s library.
Once Jacob arrived at the Library he oh so despised, he noticed Fluttershy was there, using Spike for her… ‘bleed needs’. He quickly turned away, shielding his eyes with his hand, “Okay, bad timing - uhh. where the fuck’s purple cunt?”
“She’s in her room trying to give herself a dick with magic.” Spike muttered in Fluttershy’s snatch.
“Tehehe~, don’t talk Spike, it tickles when you do.” Fluttershy giggled.
“Um okay, so you guys be weird, I’m just gonna go up there then” muttered Jacob as he creeped towards the steps.
Twilight screamed “I GOT IT” as Jacob was walking into her bedroom.
“Are you fucking masturbating?!” Screamed Jacob, “Why is everyone in this god damned world so fucking weird?!”
“You can either help out or get out. Your choice, whatever else you need I have my hooves a bit full here with MAH NEW DICK.” Twilight replied replied a bit too loud...
“HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKING STOP BEING WEIRD AND YOU KNOW WHAT, WITH ALL THIS WEIRD, AHM GOOIN PASS OUT NOW!” Yelled Jacob as he slammed his face directly into a table and passed out on the floor.
“Oh… ow…. what happened?” muttered Jacob as he woke up, realizing he was outside Twilight’s house.
“Oh, good, he’s not dead girls.” a strange white woman said aloud, kneeling at Jacob’s height.
After surveying the goddess that kneeled before him, Jacob quickly stood up and dusted himself off, “H-hi, me name Jacob.. I mean, I…”
“Hahah! I think this guy has what Steven has.” The midget purple one laughed aloud.
“Ste- oh you mean terminal brain cancer, shit stained, pasty white, flip flop wearing annoying 12 year old kid?” Jacob asked.
“‘At’s the one. Where’d you see ‘em?” Asked a humongous strangely red, and seriously intimidating woman.
“L-last I saw him he was with some fillies at The CM-...” The words quickly died out in his throat, it’s obvious these women are new here and have no idea where you’d point them. Already the party looked gloomy and puzzled just as his sentence began. “Obviously you have no idea where I’m talking about, just follow me.” Jacob announced as he lead the 3 to Sweet Apple Acres.
“... Well they were here.” Jacob said as he kicked a pebble, standing in front of the tree house, not a soul in sight, ‘cept himself and the other 3 women that followed.
“Dammit, we’re never gonna find ‘em at ‘es rate.” The tall one steamed.
“Take it easy Garnet, w-what’s the worst that could happen to him? We’re in a world we know entirely nothing about, other than how the equestrian population can now form articulated english, and I believe I saw several dragons flying overhead earlier… STEVEN WHERE ARE YOU?!” screamed the now panicked white woman.
“Bad time to bring this up I suppose. If I’m gonna help you I may as well know your names.” Jacob suggested.
“Well I’m Amethyst, the one throwing a hissy fit is Pearl, and uh… the one ripping the tree out of the ground, that’s Garnet.” The stout purple one replied.
“You don’t seem too worried.” Jacob replied, confused.
“Meh, to be honest it’s been nice without him, aside from Pearl’s panic attacks and Garnet threatening these horses.” Amethyst yawned, stretching in place.
Pearl grabbed ahold of Jacob’s collar on his shirt and began shaking him violently, “WHERE’S MY BABY, PLEASE HELP ME FIND HIM!”
Jacob gripped her arms and pushed them down back to her waist, “Fine, I’ll help you find your walking talking vegetable.”
Pearl began to calm down, mainly because she had to register what the possibly only other human on this planet just said “He’s not a vegetable, he’s a human. Well half human, half gem.” Pearl stated, failing to realize the metaphor.
“He said something about that. Well I think IT was trying to communicate. What does gems mean?” Jacob questioned, actually curious for once.
“Oh, that’s simple,” Pearl began, “We ar-”
“If Steven isn’t here, we should go look somewhere else!” Garnet interrupted.
“I’d wager to say he’s still with the girls. We find them, they’ll know where he is… I hope.” Jacob replied hopefully, the last bit sounding less hopeful...
“Do you have super powers?! Can you catch me on fire or super punch me?!” Scootaloo squealed, walking back to Jacob’s mansion with the other 2 dysfunctional shits, along with the new dysfunctional shit.
“Nowp, I ken onle summon teh sheild, or burbel.” Steven replied, spraying spit each word he spoke.
“I don’t know if master wants us in his mansion alone.” Sweetie Belle replied, unsure if she should forget it or turn back to get Jacob.
“I told ya, I live there now, so it’s my house too.” Scootaloo replied.
“Doesh he have booze in *hic* hims houshe?” Applebloom slurred.
“Maybe. He has a lot of bottles of Wine. But he keeps that in the Tom Hanks room.” Scootaloo replied, feeling a tingle go up her spine thinking of that hunk.
“PURL SAIS I’M LIEK FOREST GRUMP.” Steven chimed in, needlessly loud.
Belle stopped dead in her tracks, “I can’t STAND walking with this kid anymore. I’m going to find master!” she screamed, as she turned around and fled in search Jacob.
“... Whash up her butt..t?” Applebloom asked, watching Belle run back to Ponyville.
“Wen I tri runin ways from Amethust wen her touch me weurd, she gets maded.” Steven slurred.
“You too?! My brothers do the same! We have so much in common.” Scootaloo exclaimed.
“C’mon yu SHIETS! I go- *hic* gone fourtie minuts wishout a drink, an if I go ‘nother 40 I’m gon los- *hic*... loose my shits.” Applebloom barked.
“Calm down, calm down. We’re here already. Now let’s FUCK SHIT UP!” Scootaloo roared, as she hind kicked the mansion door open. Steven, being the little shit he is, ran into the kitchen and started eating spoons.
“..The fuck?” Scootaloo yelled. Grabbing the spoons from Steven.
“NUR, I NED TU EATED DEM, IS IMPORTANT.” Exclaimed Steven. He tried to grab the spoons from Scoots, but she refused to let them go. “IS MATUR OF LYFE END DETH!” He exclaimed. He turns his attention to the freezer, yanking it open and furiously tossing everything in it out. “WHER AR DE CUKIE KATS?!”
“... The wut?” Applebloom muttered? Steven, furious, made his shield appear and started smashing the fridge with it in a fit of autistic fueled rage.
“What the hell is wrong with you!?” screamed Scootaloo, she jumped on top of Steven, trying to restrain him.
“Whamever, I’m goin to tha Tom Hanksh room to get my ass shome WINE!” Applebloom remarked, as she sloppily trotted her way into Jacob’s room.
“TOM HANKS!?” Steven shouted, shoving Scootaloo off of him and running after Applebloom.
“My baby’s wondering around with an alcoholic and a masochist, ISN’T THAT JUST FUCKING WONDERFUL WE HAVE TO FIND MY BABY!” Screamed Pearl for the 50th time.
“He isn’t just your baby.” Stated Garnet as she uprooted yet another tree.
“Yea, he’s my personal fuck toy,” Amethyst replied, aggravated.
“Look as much as I love destruction, this just isn’t helping. Plus Apple-fag will make me pay for the damages. Wait… what’s that in the distance?” Jacob said, staring at the growing white speck in the distance, running at them.
“Unknown entity, north. Gems, battle formations!” stated Garnet, her hands summoning gauntlets, the other gems summoning weapons as well.
“No… That’s… Sweetie Belle!” Jacob remarked, running toward her.
“Master! Finally, I’ve been looking for you.” she pouted, stopping at Jacobs feet.
“What is it? Do you know where the new dysfunctional shit is?” questioned Jacob.
“He’s at the Mansion, as an apology before you see it, I’m sorry about anything you see he did there…”
“That motherfucker best not have fucking shit on my statue or I swear!” Jacob screamed as he ran to his mansion.
Amethyst looked down at the little pony, “Where’s this mansion at?”
“Follow the pissed off master and you’ll find it.” Sweetie Belle answered cheerfully. Garnet picked up the little pony and charged toward the mansion.
The gems came up to Jacob, kicking at his door, noticing the gems behind him, he furiously stated, “They locked the FUCKING door!” He gave it one last kick, “Fuck it! I’ll buy a new god damned door!” he said as he whipped out the Mp 40 and turns the door to shreds. He ran inside, briefly noting Scoot’s bleeding out on the floor with Steven crying next to her like the little shit he is.
“MY BABY, YOU’RE ALRIGHT!” Screamed Pearl as she noticed him from the door frame. “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW SCARED WE WERE, WE SEARCHED EVERYWHERE, GARNET UPROOTED EIGHTY TREES FOR YOU!” She screamed, stroking his shit stained hair.
“Perl!! Deh mern men shotted mai firned!!” He exclaimed, summoning his shield.
“Oh please, she was just in the path of the bullets. It’s not my fault she was in the way. Her fault.” Jacob stated.
“Burt she’s dying! Oh wait.” He turned and spit on his hands. Scoots looked up at him in disgust.
“..what are you doing?” She gasped. He placed his hands on her wounds and a light flashed from where he touched, healing her wounds.
“I don’t have time have time for this magic shit bullshit, what the hell did you do to the place?! Did you shit all over every fucking piece of furniture in here?!”
Applebloom stumbled in through the door to the kitchen, “..Found teh *hic* booze!” She collapsed on the floor, wine dripping from her mouth.
Jacob, pulling his hair, eyes full open, foam dripping at his mouth, “I’LL… I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU ALL!” he screamed, whipping out the Mp40, “Starting with you!” taking aim at Steven. Firing his entire clip. Steven yelped and bubbled, bullets ricocheting everywhere.
“WHY WON’T YOU JUST DIE!” Screamed Jacob in frustration.
Garnet smashing Jacob across the face, “We can't let you hurt Steven!”
“Ohhohoh! I’m not gonna hurt him! I’m gonna FUCKING GUT HIM, and you!” reloading and spraying more bullets at Garnet.
Blocking the bullets with her gauntlets, she turns to the others, “Gems, get him!” Amethyst summoned her whip and disarmed Jacob.
“Master stop, you’re scaring me!” Sweetie quivered.
Jacob sluggishly stood up, picking up his MP40, “You break into my house, you fuck it up, you shit on my furniture and god knows what else, and I get my ass beat in my own home.” panting heavily he puts his gun up to his temple, “Fuck my life!” and shoots himself, collapsing limply onto the floor. And they all lived happily never after… until our NEXT story!
Author's Note
How's this for a cliff hanger?
The Random Adventures of Equestria!
Episode 10: Dangerous Diagnoses
Character Sheet:
“... Are you sure that’s how the IV is supposed to go in there?” Jimmy asked, standing over Jacob in the hospital, the IV up Jacob’s asshole.
“Well we didn’t know where to stick it, you humans have different structures as us ponies.” The doctor replied.
“... YOU LITERALLY JUST HAVE TO GET A MAIN ARTERY, HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SO HARD?!”
“Don’t question my intelligence,, I went to YALE good sir!”
“But doctor didn’t you drop out at day three?” a nurse questioned.
“Ahah, but I was too smart for that bullshit work! Look at what I good job I did on this patient.” the doctor proclaimed, pointing his hoof at Jacob.
Jimmy pointed at Jacob as well, “There’s a fucking band-aid on his face, did you do anything!?”
“Yes, I put the band-aid on there, got any more redundant questions to ask, you hairless ape?”
Tom Hanks crying at Jacob’s side, he bellowed, “Why couldn’t it have been me instead?!”
“Because you’re a national treasure, you sexy beast,” Trixie replied, comforting Tom.
“How did this even happen?” Rarity asked
“He gut shuper pissed and shot *hic* hemshilf.” Applebloom mumbled. “You guyz gut anie rubbing alkohol ‘round here?”
Jimmy trailed down Jacob’s bed, noticing Sweetie Belle beside him, “How’s the kid, I imagine she feels like shit seeing Jacob shoot himself?”
“She’s a wreck, Scootaloo told me she tried to shoot herself not to long after Jacob did… but she missed.” Rarity answered, rubbing Sweetie Belle’s hair as she slept.
“How the fuck did she miss? It’s a gun literally against your head.” Twilight replied, frustrated on how the fuck she missed.
She’s uh…. not very.. uh… good with magic…” Rarity responded.
“She killed a dragon with an anti-tank rifle, but she can’t shoot herself at point blank with a fully automatic gun?” Spike questioned.
“Shut the fuck up Spike, why are you even here?” Rarity barked.
“I’m just happy to be here in the actual story for once in my fucking horrible life leave me alone!” Yelled Spike, once again crying.
“Oh yeah, aren’t you still a cat in the story?” Jimmy asked
“What the fuck are you two queef pellets talking about?!” Twilight screamed.
“Listen I’ve been hearing screaming for the past two hours in this room, either shut the fuck up, or get the hell out,” a nurse hissed at them.
“Fucking fine bitch I guess we’re going to the library!” Jimmy retorted back at the nurse.
“Oh no the fuck you aren’t!” Warned Twilight.
“Why the fuck not?” Tom Hanks asked.
“Because not all of not princess Obama, I am plebian” Twilight stated with blank eyes, she then vanished.
“Did we break her?” Trixie asked, rubbing at Tom’s groin as he cried. “Someone get an ACTUAL doctor, Trixie thinks someone might break something.” Trixie moped.
Scootaloo hopped up on the bed, and pressed in the speaker button, “Hey dick farts, we need a doctor up in THIS BITCH!”
“Did someone say, doctor?” an armless doctor declared as he busted through the fucking wall, crushing a nurse.
“Eyy es Doktor Armless. my good drinkin buddy.” Applebloom stammered as she rubbed the back of his knee, “I had ta pour tha likur into his mouff, cause he ain’t got no hands.” she whispered to the others.
“I can hear you, and I must say it’s… not a pleasure meeting you again. I can see Sweetie Belle’s caretaker has shot himself.”
“EXCUSE me, I’m her caretaker,” Rarity exclaimed.
“I’ve seen Jacob more with her than I have with you, obviously you do not care for her the same way he does.” Armless replied. With a flash, Twilight was back inside the room with them.
“OHHHH, take that you fat white dirty whore ass bitch!” Twilight roared, poofing there and back to wherever the fuck she was before.
“Indeed, anyway, under whose supervision was Jacob allowed to be given such horrid treatment!” Armless asked.
“That.. would be… me..” Jacob’s ‘doctor’ stated whilst digging his way out of the rubble.
“Sir, I will have your license for this!” Armless stated as he reviewed Jacob’s chart.
“Hah, good luck, the board already took it!” He responded with a chuckle, and disintegrated into thin air.
“Okay, that happened. Anyway, you all who do not have a bullet in your head please step out of the room and let me work,” Armless demanded.
“How the fuck you gonna do that? You ain’t got no hands.”
“If I can kill someone with my bare feet, I can save someone with them as well. Now get out before I stomp you to death.” The group walked out into the waiting room, not before Scootaloo raided the biohazard used needles bin. While waiting in the room, Tom and Sweetie Belle were bailing their eyes out, Rarity was fighting Spike for the remote, Trixie flirting with Mike Myers over the phone. Scootaloo was shoving herself with needles, and Jimmy flirted with the receptionist (What a horsefucker). Minutes past, hours, not days though, it’s brain surgery but it ain’t damn days worth. Tom wasn’t about to leave his friend, so long as the eye candy stayed so did Trixie, Jimmy had nothing better to do, Spike wanted to be in the story so he stayed, and Rarity was stuck there since Sweetie Belle didn’t want to leave either, also in the time it took to fix Jacob Twilight poofed back to play Magic the Gathering with Jimmy.
Armless then walked down the hallway, a clipboard in his mouth. Everyone drew their attention to them as he sat down with them spitting out the clipboard on his lap, crossing his leg as he put it in between his big toe. “Alright, I have some good news and some bad news.”
“Good news is he’s dead, bad news is we wasted our time?” Jimmy asked.
“Wow, what a terrible person you are. Jacob will make a full recovery, had I not performed the operation when I did, he’d likely died of blood loss, since the jackass ponies at this place know nothing about performing actual surgery.” Armless explained. Sweetie Belle exhaled heavily, as though in relief. Tom sung out in joy at the news and ripped off his shirt to show his overwhelming relief that his friend was okay.
“Wash the bread *hic* news?” Applebloom asked.
“Well he has suffered massive trauma to his brain, and it is unlikely to pin down when he will be responsive again. When the time is right he’ll wake up.”
“Alright, good. So hopefully he’ll stay under forever, can we go now?” Twilight groaned.
“Absolutely not, you all were what drove him to this in the first place from what I gather.” Armless protested. “We’re going to sit here and get to the base of your problematic behavior!”
“How fun, a personality test,” Twilight yawned.
“Starting with you. I have with me a cap that is put on the head. It digs deep into the repressed parts of the brain that admit just who you really are and what you really think. I shall read the results on the screen of this iPhone app, technology is truly taking over everything we use nowadays, especially these fucking phones.” The doc then strapped the cap to Twilight, her eyes went white as he mouth hung open, staring blankly until she began to speak.
“I hate you all, and I hate everyone else. Everyone needs to burn in a pit of fire so I can be left alone. Except Spike, sadly enough I do need him to do shit I don’t want to, otherwise I’d smash his testicles with a ball peen hammer.”
Armless read the results on the phone, after closing out fifty ads about hot single mares in your area, “Twilight, you have a serious version of Aspergers. You shun yourself from others, the part of you that wants to socialize you shove back with the notion of harassing others and doing unspeakable things to them in your head.” Armless then popped the cap off Twilight and went to the closest pony to her, which happened to be Applebloom.
“To be honest, I’m not an alcoholic. I crave attention of others, and in doing so drinking alcohol seems to be the best way of people to notice me. Over the course of drinking however it seems to have weakened my thought process, you are hearing the true me. If you can hear this, please send hel-” Armless snapped the cap off.
“Alright, you basically said it all… Blah blah blah attention craver, blah blah blah dumb redneck. Okay, next up is Spike.” he then plopped the cap onto Spike’s head.
“I crave attention more than anything. I felt the rush of getting attention when I had an episode dedicated to bringing me back to life. Since then I’ve tried so hard to find the characters of main interest. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when there’s a story and when we’re just going about our daily lives. I once spent a month at Jacob’s mansion watching him watch the Discovery Channel and drinking Kool-Aid from a Wine glass. Never had I felt so bored in my entire life, but I was doing it for the story.”
“Okay, it appears Spike shows deep signs of Histrionic Personality Disorder. Attention comes first for him, he won’t do anything else so long as people praise him or notice him, and his emotions are ten times stronger than that of a woman PMSing. I would say Spike and Applebloom share a similar disorder, yet Applebloom is less emotional.” Armless explained.
“So who’s next?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“That would be.. you.. however I’m not sure if you’re ready for this.”
“But it seems really fun! Please sir let me see what I really am!” she pleaded.
“Alright…” Armless sighed. He plopped the cap onto Sweetie Belle’s head, her eyes went blank.
“I told you I don’t want them to know I’m still here!” Sweetie said in a deep tone
“C’mon buddy, I’m sure if you’re nice they’ll like you.”
“Is… is she having a conversation with herself?” Rarity asked, appalled
“No… No it appears this is Clarke. She mentioned him in the meeting we had appointed in the building that is now destroyed thanks to her.” Armless explained
“But I hate them, I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM!” Sweetie Belle screamed.
“Don’t be like that, everyone loves you!” She said back to herself
“They aren’t like you Sweetie Belle, they hurt anyone they come across! You’re very loyal, which is why you're the only one who can know I exist.”
Armless snapped the cap off of Sweetie Belle’s head, with a very confused and scared look on his face, “Right, kinda already knew about him. I thought you said he was gone though child.”
“He came back, and apologized by singing me songs. Like, ‘Kick A Baby by Fisting Skulls’, or ‘Through the Fire and Flames by Dragon Force’, he even sung 'Me!Me!Me!' once.” Sweetie replied.
Rarity hugged her sister closer to her, “My poor little baby, I never knew these horrific people in your head!”
“You never asked, master is the only person who cares about me!” Sweetie exclaimed
“Oh come now, like I’m supposed to think you may hear voices in your head. I deal with petty kid stuff like looks and fashion!” Rarity retorted
Armless interjected and asked “Could we please get back to the matter at hand and finish getting an idea of the problems we’re dealing with before we go and try and fix them?”
“Wow, you sound like a true professional Mr. No arms. ‘Let’s not deal with the problems only talk about them’.” Jimmy griped.
“You’re up next.” Armless grumbled. He plopped the cup onto Jimmy’s head.
“Spoons, Knives, Butter Knives, Forks, Ladles, Spatulas, Tongs.” Jimmy then droned on and on for the next twenty minutes just listing off assortments of silverware and kitchen utensils.
“Well I can say this is new. I can’t exactly pin it down to even one quirk or syndrome… You just stay in the kitchen or something.”
“Uh, Doctor Armless, do you think there will be hope for us?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Uh.. Sure! It’ll just take medication, practice, and uh… help. Anyway, it won’t be easy, but I like a challenge!”
“What about Trixie? She has yet to wear the funny cap, nor has sexy over here, or diamond butt.”
“Well Trixie, I’ve pretty much got you diagnosed, and I don’t think Tom Hanks or Rarity has anything to do with Jacob’s condition. Nor has anyone else, well maybe Twilight’s but Jacob is far more iron willed to fall victim to her bitchetry”
“I am of bored now, wait, ID- *hic* IKEA… I mean IDEA!” slurred Applebloom, grabbing the cup, she trotted back to Jacob’s room and plopped it on his head. Everyone else followed, curious to what might happen
Jacob’s mouth slowly opened as he began to speak in his sleep, “Can’t kill anyone, can’t even kill myself… The hell’s wrong with me. Mein fuhrer would be fuhrer-ious, every opportunity... something has happened… to prevent their death. Hell... can’t even kill a kid anymore…” He stopped speaking, Applebloom then snapped the cap off his head.
“I am genyous. Whooda thunk tha *hic* that it wash him that drive him to suicide all long?”
“Hmm.. interesting.. Applebloom, who was Jacob talking about at the last part?” Armless inquired.
“A shit stained pasty flip flop wearing autismo who shit all over his house. Then some freaky multi colored chicks kicked his ass.” Sweetie explained.
“Well best way to deal with your problems is to fight them head on. I suggest they live with Jacob.” Armless offered.
“Uh… I don’t think he’d agree to that.” Jimmy replied flatly.
“Of course he won’t! But, I can tie some strings with the police. He’s broken many laws. If he agrees to living with ‘flip flop’, they’ll drop the charges, if he refuses, he goes to jail. Simple as that.”
“Wow… that sounds really dumb. But I don’t really care if he kills himself again or not, so I’m all for it!” Twilight cheered.
“Then it’s settled, I’ll relay the information to the child and the girls.” Armless replied
“But you don’t know them, how will you tell them?”
“Twilight can just teleport out of here like last time.” Jimmy suggested.
“Oh yeah, I can do that. Bye bitches.” Twilight disappeared again. Teleporting back almost immediately, “They said yea.”
“Can I be a part of the story now? I haven’t ever since the waiting room.” Spike whined
“Shut the fuck up Spike.” Armless calmly stated. Punting Spike through the wall and into oncoming traffic.
Author's Note
Took MUCH longer then expected. I'm surprised I could get Jimmy to write last night
View Online
The Random Adventures of Equestria!
Episode 4: Special: Trixie's Mansion Murder Mystery
Author's Note
In recent celebration of the overall story of these adventures being accepted by this website, we've made an extra long, extra thick, extra juicy ~~wiener~~
Also, the joke with Trixie liking us is not because we're making ourselves out to be good looking. We're ugly as shit irl. The joke was that she has a fetish for humans
Episode 4: Special: Trixie's Mansion Murder Mystery
Character Sheet:
Our story begins in the library, with Twilight screaming at Spike to stack the books into place, while Jacob reclines naked on the couch as he normally does. Spike starting gagging aggressively, hacking and wheezing, trying to dislodge something from his body. “I swear if you cough up a furball on my wood floor I’m going to gut you like a fucking fish.” Twilight said warningly. Spike then vomited a gargantuan size of hair out, along with a scrap of paper. “YOU MOTHER FUCKER, I’M GETTING THE KNIFE,” steamed Twilight as she marched off to the Kitchen.
“Wait a sec,” Jacob said interested, “There’s a scrap of paper in it, what’s it say Spike?”
“I don’t know, I don’t have THUMBS TO GRAB IT!” Spike screamed in anger.
“Alright you fucking cock guzzler, calm your feline tits.” Jacob said in an annoyance. Jacob reached in the hair ball and pulled out the piece of paper, cleaned it off and began reading.
Dear Twilight,
Trixie would love for you to come and visit her in her new sprawling mansion tonight. Trixie is hosting a housewarming party for her many friends, and would simply love for you to attend. And please, if you could bring those sexy humans with you, it’d be simply marvelous.
P.S. Bring weed, preferably Slender’s kush, as his is the only kind worthy enough for Trixie to smoke.
Sincerely,
The Great and oh so Powerful Trixie
“Hey Twilight, “ Jacob shouted, “Get out of the kitchen like the woman you are and get in here, some bitch named Trixie sent you some Spam mail.”
“Ughh… What does that talentless magician whore want now?” moped Twilight. Just that time Rarity, Sweetie Belle, Pinkie, and Jimmy showed up.
“Did you get a letter too, Twilight?” asked Rarity.
“All I got was a request for booze and a big ass cake, but fuck her I’m still coming!” Pinkie said happily.
“Hi master! Why are you naked?” Sweetie asked curiously.
“Because my little one, it’s hotter than shit in here and I don’t want to sweat on my uniform, and besides, you’re always naked too” replied Jacob.
“But Master, I don’t have to, I’m a pony” giggled Sweetie Belle.
“For GODS sake young man go put some clothes on,” Rarity said in horror, “There are CHILDREN present.”
“Whatever, it’s not that hot anymore anyway…” Jacob said, as he went to find his uniform.
Twilight groaned as she finished reading the letter, “Why does it have to be that perv Slendy, he got my number somehow and he won’t stop trying to sext me.”
Jimmy looked down at his feet and muttered “wonder how that happened… I can go get the weed no problem, but where does she even live?”
All of a sudden Rainbow Dash came running into the Library, chanting, “GOTTA PEE, GOTTA PEE, GOTTA PEE.” she then ran upstairs and slammed the bathroom door.
"... Well wasn’t that a stroke of luck!” said Twilight gleefully, “When she gets done pissing, she’ll fly you over to Slendy. There’s no way in hell I’m talking to that pot head.”
Jimmy took out his wallet and took out 20 bits and muttered “Just in case” and sat on the couch and waited for Rainbow to get done pissing.
“Anyway, I guess we’re off to Trixie's house,” Twilight said dully, “Hey you dirty nazi, get in here cause the party train is leaving!”
“I’m coming, I’m coming you fat purple bitch!” Jacob shouted. Twilight and Jacob left, followed by Pinkie, Rarity, and Sweetie Belle. After Rainbow finished with relieving herself, she came back downstairs to see that everyone but Jimmy had left.
“Um.. where’d everyone go?” She asked.
“They left me here so I could rape you once you get done pissing,” Jimmy said in an evil tone.
Rainbow then began to clam up, “I th-thought my first time was going to be with Soarin of the Wonderbolts, not with a dirty human like you!” she stuttered in fear.
“Just fucking with you,” he said with a regretful tone of voice, “We’re going to meet Slendy and you’re flying me there.”
“Alright, but I’m not going in the forest with you, his tentacles creep me out” she replied with a shiver. With that he mounted her like the ~~whore~~ horse she was and they flew off into the distance. After arriving to the outskirts of the forest, with the sun slowly disappearing over the horizon, Jimmy dismounted and headed into the forest alone to collect the pages. After collecting the 4th page slenderman appeared, but something was off, he didn’t respond to Jimmy, only watching from afar. He continued to search for the pages, collecting one after another but nothing changed.
“Hey… um slendy… you okay buddy?” he yelled, after he collected the 7th page, slendy became aggressive, actively chasing him, “SLENDY WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME” yelled Jimmy, while running as fast as he could.
“GIVE ME 20 BITS” yelled Slendy, as he tackled him to the ground, and roared as loud as he could directly into Jimmy’s face.
“FUCKIN FINE GIVE ME A SECOND YOU LITTLE SHIT!” yelled Jimmy as he wrenched the 20 bits out of his pocket and tossed it into Slendy’s face. “Now that you’re done with your fucking temper tantrum, we need weed ya lil shit.” Jimmy said sternly.
“Yea, I need nudes, TWILIGHT’S nudes. I think she blocked my number.” Slenderman replied with a hint of annoyance in his voice.
“Not my problem,” Jimmy replied shaking his head, “You said just give her your number, that’s it! Now gimme some weed you faceless fuckhead. You still owe me for the proxy.” Slenderman deeply exhaled, vanished, then reappeared again to toss some weed in Jimmy’s direction, and vanished once more to not return.
After cowering like the bitch she was, Rainbow appeared from hiding, “What’s up his butt?” she asked.
“He’s on his period I think. C’mon they’re probably waiting for us at the mansion.” Jimmy replied.
“Okay which direction,” she asked.
“Th-... Shit.” Jimmy said nervously. After flying for over an hour, they eventually find the group slumped over at Trixie’s mansion.
“There you guys are, she wouldn’t let us in until we got the pot, took you jackasses long enough.” Twilight said angrily.
“Sorry no one gave us fuckng directions, by the way, here’s your pot bitch.” Jimmy said, slinging the bag in her face. The group then knocked on the mansions door, and the door opened and Trixie’s head appeared.
“As Trixie has said before ‘No Pot. No Entry’” she then started to shut the door.
“Hey bitch we got your pot, now let us in already. This was your idea bringing us here in the first place.” Rarity said annoyed.
“Yes! Trixie loves Slendy kush! Now Trixie has rules of her house, rule one you must always refer to Trixie as ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie’ and not just Trixie.”
“Not doing that,” Twilight replied nonchalantly.
“Secondly, Trixie is the only one who smokes Slendy’s kush. And thirdly, no shitting on Trixie’s furniture.” Trixie exclaimed.
“You mean sitting?” Pinkie asked.
“Trixie knows what Trixie said. Trixie said no SHITTING or DEFECATING on Trixie's furniture.” Trixie declared.
“... Why would that need to be pointed ou-... never mind, let’s get this over with already.” Rarity sighed.
“Well now, you must be the friends of Twilight's.” Trixie said facing Jacob and Jimmy, “How’d a dumb bitch like her get two such handsome humans?” she said flirtatiously.
“She found me in a pyramid and I crash on her sofa naked now.” Jacob replied dully.
“I came to Equestria to start collecting the legendary weapons forged by the gods and hidden by man” Jimmy replied boldly.
“... Yea he collects silverware.” Twilight replied sheepishly.
“Well Trixie finds both of you very attractive, regardless, Trixie assumes that everyone has brought the items that Trixie has so graciously requested?” Trixie asked.
“Yea I got the booze and cake, but if I hauled this here I’m drinking half of it and eating until I start crying of how overweight I think I am.” Pinkie replied cheerfully.
“And I made you a dress for your bong… Honestly I can produce any kind of apparel and I’m stuck making clothing for bongs...” Rarity groaned.
Trixie looked to Sweetie Belle, “Trixie does not remember asking for a midget,” Trixie snapped.
“I’m here because master Jacob was going to come!” the small pony cheered.
“HE’S TRIXIE’S YOU LITTLE BITCH! TRIXIE WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!” Trixie shouted.
Jacob rushed in front of Sweetie Belle and yelled, “If you touch a hair on her fucking head I’ll fucking peel off your skin and wear it for Halloween you smelly selfish snobby whore!”
Trixie stopped in her tracks and nervously chuckled, “Trixie was just kidding, Trixie would never hurt the little pony, Trixie loves kids!” and added as an afterthought “Well, Trixie thinks that it’s time to have dinner, come in, the servants will carry your bags,” she then turned towards the mansion, "Snips, Snails, GET YOUR FAT ASSES OUT HERE AND CARRY IN THE LUGGAGE YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING SISSY FAGGOTS."
A faint “Yes Ms. Trixie!” was heard from inside the mansion and shortly after two pubescent colts, dressed in butler outfits came rushing out of the mansion to retrieve the gifts.
After an hour of Trixie touring them around the mansion, Rarity spoke up and said, “I must say Trixie as much as I hate you and wish you’d die of a bleeding asshole, this place is rather… luxuriant!”
Trixie giggled and replied, “Yes, well Trixie has her means of getting all this. After the whole Ursa Minor incident Trixie and the Ursa have been working together to scam people out of their money.”
Twilight, like the curious lil shit she is, asked, “What do you mean?”
“Oh it’s so devilishly smart only a true genius like Trixie could come up with such an act,” she exclaimed, “Trixie travels into Town in her show wagon, while the Ursa follows far behind. Trixie then puts on her fabulous show of wonders, later that same evening the Ursa attacks the Town. Trixie simply ‘subdues’ it, and chase it away from the Town with Trixie’s magic. The Townsfolk then pay Trixie a … how should I say, FUCKTON of bits, which Trixie then use a small portion of to buy weed for the Ursa for compensation of his commitment to the plan.” She then laughs almost wickedly, “It’s such a smart idea!”
Jacob then let a evil grin overcome him, “I think I like this woman, she’s more cunning than she looks. And her cape makes her look pretty good too, really flatters ‘dat ass.” Which at that point Sweetie Belle was already steaming with hatred towards this ‘Trixie’. After finishing the tour, the group moved into the diner to start dinner, where they were treated with red wine, (Kool Aid™ for Sweetie Belle) cake, hay chips, and Rhino Steak. They then started conversing in small groups.
“So, how did you meet Sweetie Belle?” Rarity asked. “She seems to know you quite well, and even tells me she got her… peculiar cutie mark thanks to you.”
“Ah yes,” Jacob began “I remember shooting at her and I severely wounded her leg with one of my bullets. After that I to-”
“YOU SHOT MY LITTLE SISTER?!” Rarity screamed in anger and surprise… but mostly anger.
“And it was the best thing that ever happened to me,” Sweetie Belle said cheerfully, snuggling closer to Jacob.
Trixie turned towards Jimmy and flirtatiously asked, “Trixie wonders, are there any women in your life?”
Jimmy, scared of where this was headed, quickly replied “I’m actually in a relationship with Pinkie!”
To which Pinkie looked him up and down and said “I’ve never tried a human before!” Jimmy, knowing he wasn’t going to win here, shrunk down in his seat feeling defeated.
“You know,” Rainbow began, “Slendy mentioned something about yo-”
“Don’t care” Twilight snapped at Dash.
Suddenly the lights went out, followed by a squeak from Jimmy, the sounds of a struggle, and a scream. The lights came back on, and everyone looked around dazed. Except of course for Trixie, who was trying to have her way with Jimmy, and Jimmy, who was fighting for his life.
“Let me in on this!” Shouted Pinkie as she jumped into the fray.
“OH GOD NO!” Screamed Jimmy, desperately trying to escape. This caught the attention of everyone, everyone but Jacob, who was too preoccupied with the new corpse in the room.
“This dinner just got a lot more interesting. Hey Trixie, where’d you get this piece of furniture? I like it!” Jacob said pointing at the limp dead pony on the ground. Trixie looked at where he was pointing and screamed
“OH GO- oh it’s just Snips” she looked at the dead pony, and screamed again “OH GOD TRIXIE’S CARPET! IT’S RUINED DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT COSTS?!” she then rushed over to try to save the carpet from blood stains.
“Snips! No!” Shouted Snails, who was probably the only one who even remotely cared about him.
Jimmy pushed Pinkie away and stated, “Well guys to be honest this dinner sucks and the only thing that could possibly make this trip worth it is to catch and kill the killer.”
“Can I be detective Pinkie?!” Pinkie excitedly shouted.
“No, I think no one liked that episode of Detective Pinkie in the series anyway,” Jimmy replied dully.
“... What?” Pinkie replied confused.
Jimmy pointed towards Jacob and said “You’ve got experience with killing people, could you find out what he was killed with?”
Jacob shrugged and walked over to the corpse, after examining the corpse, he stood up, “I believe it was with something very blunt, there’s no cuts, just a huge gash and a cracked skull. I prefer killing that way, that satisfying crunch of the bone, you can almost feel it through whatever you used to break it with.” Jacob explained.
“Well I’m ruled out as well as Pinkie and Trixie because I was GETTING FUCKING RAPED AND NONE OF YOU FUCKING HELPED ME” yelled Jimmy.
“So that leaves Rarity, Sweetie Belle, Rainbow Dash, Twilight. and myself” Jacob listed.
Jimmy scoffed and said, “I don’t think you’d kill someone in the dark, I think you’d do it with everyone watching, plus you have absolutely no reason to kill Snips, I don’t think you even knew the guy,”
“Which is EXACTLY why I’d kill him!” Jacob stated “Who are you to judge me! I’ll kill whoever I want when I want!... Except for Sweetie Belle.” Sweetie Belle then smiled brightly and moved by his side
With that Jimmy started pacing the room and yelled “Absolutely none of you have an actual motive to kill Snips, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t suspects!”
“Best we can do is find the murder weapon, I doubt it just disappeared.” Rarity replied.
“THAT’S JUST WHAT THE MURDERER WOULD SAY” screamed Jacob, aiming at Rarity with his MP40.
“... Actually no, it’s a pretty good idea that we look for it.” Jimmy said. With that the group set off to search for a murder weapon. After discovering that Trixie not only had a sex dungeon but also kept a fucking shrine to Tom Hanks, the group discovered a broken pipe on top of Trixie’s bed.
“A murder weapon, in your room Trixie? I’m putting you back on the suspects list!” Jacob said sternly.
“Just because It’s in Trixie’s bedroom does not mean Trixie did it, you all saw Trixie wooing Jimmy with her amazing body, Trixie did not do this! Why would Trixie kill Trixie’s own butler? He cleans Trixie’s rooms and polishes Trixie’s Tom Hanks sculpture, why would Trixie kill off Snips for that?” Trixie nervously explained.
Jimmy said “Well someone must’ve done it, who’d have motive to kill Snips? Rainbow? She’s too stupid to know how to wield a pipe let alone kill someone with it. Jacob? He’d fucking tell everyone that he did it. Twilight’s, well, Twilight. Pinkie’s harmless as a fly, plus she has not a single motive to do such a thing to Snips.”
“Madam Trixie do you want your pot brownies now or is it a bad time?” Snails asked entering the room. Just then, the lights went out again! And again there was a squeak, the sounds of a struggle, but no scream. The lights then flickered back on, revealing Trixie trying to make out with Jacob, with a simple shove she fell to the floor. However, Snails was wielding the very same pipe on the bed with his magic, trying to swing at Jimmy with it.
“She’s MINE! And I don’t like her loving up on you like she was EARLIER!” Snails screamed. Jimmy quickly disarmed him, and stabbed him in the chest with the Butter Knife of Humility!
“AHA!” Jacob shouted, “It was the BUTLER with the LEAD PIPE in the DINING ROOM! I FUCKING KNEW IT ALL ALONG!... Okay I didn’t but HOLY FUCK!”
Snails then gasped desperately for air, he looked to Trixie, and said, “I did this… all for… you.”
Trixie, looking sad, replied, “... Eww.” (... I mistook sadness for disgust). And with that, Snails was dead. The group then gave them a proper burial… well they threw them in the backyard of Trixie's mansion then left.. They then wandered back to Ponyville and returned home. Trixie pretty much just left the mansion and moved in with Jimmy, not telling him she did of course (That was a fun morning). Jacob decided that the mansion was his true home and soon returned to live and work beside the Tom Hanks Shrine. Twilight, completely happy that Jacob isn’t in her library, soon burnt the couch that Jacob lounged naked on. And they lived happily ever after…. Until our NEXT story!
