Author's Note

Written because I haven't done a proper Celestia smut story in a while AND because of this story. The reading is not required, but I'd recommend it. It might be second person but it's pretty fucking good.

As usual, thanks to Devil Cake for the editing. Thanks to Edit Anon as well.

Palpate tibus Solis

“Come on, come on! If you don’t hurry we’re going to be late, Jon!”

Twilight Sparkle was excited. Jon could see it in the way that she moved, the way that her wings fluttered against her sides and the way that her tail flicked from side-to-side as she walked. This wasn’t the excitement that she felt when discovering a new spell or teaching somepony the magic of friendship. No, this excitement was explosive, intense.

She could feel it from the tip of her snout to the end of her tail. It filled her lungs with each breath she took, made her feel light and happy and alive as she walked and talked and looked around.

Today was a very important day for Twilight “The Book Bomber” Sparkle. Today—harmony willing—she would change the world. Today, she could make an old mare very, very happy.

The person that would be her catalyst for this change, however, was not very happy. In fact, one might even say that he was quite upset about the whole situation.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Jon grumbled, trying to free his sleeve from the alicorn’s magical grasp and failing spectacularly as both him and the princess dodged and weaved through crowds of ponies. “There’s no need to run to the castle, Twi. We got plenty of time.”

“No we don’t,” Twilight replied, looking over her wither at him. “It takes twenty minutes to get to the castle from the train station. After that, it takes about eleven minutes to get to the princess’s room. And that’s not counting on the traffic that we can get caught up in if we’re not careful!”

She gave his sleeve another tug, causing him to stumble forward. He very nearly fell face-first into a very overweight stallion in a sky-blue business suit, but by some stroke of luck he managed to right himself just in the nick of time

“Now come on, lazy bones. Pony up and get those feet moving!”

The human gave her a withering glare before his gaze traveled up the city streets. At first, the roads were packed with ponies from the train station, but as Twilight took him through the city’s many alleys and back roads the crowds began to thin until they were very nearly empty except for a local or two.

Up above all of the old stone buildings, he could see Canterlot Castle looming over the grand, quiet, old, smokey city. It was massive, obscuring much of the sky above with its high walls and its towers that looked like they could touch the sun hanging high in the sky. It was a great thing to look at, and it made one feel small, as if they were looking at a piece of art that they would never truly understand.

Jon found himself dryly swallowing as he looked up at it.

“So, are you finally going to tell me why you dragged me all the way up here or what?” he asked as the purple princess continued to lead him through the cobblestone streets of the capital. “Because I have a very bad feeling I’m going to be sleeping with the fishes by the time that Princess Luna’s moon comes up.”

Twilight slowed her frantic pace to look back at him. “…Sleep with the fishes? Why in Equestria would you sleep with a fish?” she questioned.

Jon had to resist sighing, not quite managing it. “I mean that I’m worried that the princess is going to murder me and dump my body someplace where no one will find me.”

That nearly caused Twilight to fall over.

“The princess wouldn’t murder you!” she squawked, her eyes wide. “The princess would never hurt anypony!”

“Well, what am I supposed to think? You grabbed me out of bed, said that we were meeting the princess, and dragged me onto that train like some furry Gestapo!”

Twilight snorted. “Jon, now’s not the time to talk about candy,” she chastised. “The princess isn’t going to hurt you; she just wants to ask you for a… favor. Now come on, lets—”

Jon frowned. “A favor? What kind of favor would she need from someone like me?” he questioned.

Twilight stopped. “She, um, well… she needs help with something that she’s been working on for a very long time,” she said, her ears lying flat against her skull as she nervously looked everywhere but in his direction.

This caused the young man to frown. “But why me, though?” he prodded. “There’s got to be a load of other people that she can call on to—”

“She’s tried with other ponies, but it never works,” the bookworm interrupted as she ruffled her feathers. “So the two of us thought—” She sighed, trailing off. “Look, the princess will explain everything when we’re up at the castle, okay?”

Jon, still frowning, walked over to the little princess and squatted down. “Is someone going to whack me when I get up there?”

Twilight owlishly blinked, causing him to sigh in exasperation.

“Is someone going to kill me if I go up to the castle?”

“No!”

“Am I going to be castrated?”

“What?! No!”

“Are you going to perform some kind of weird experiment on me?”

“…No.”

“Am I going to be kidnapped and shipped off someplace?”

Twilight’s nose scrunched up. “Who in Luna’s name would want to kidnap you?”

Jon opened his mouth to to retort, hand raised, but slowly closed it. “…Shut up,” he said as he let his hand fall to his side, standing up and dusting himself off. “You’re the one that refuses to tell me what the hell we’re doing up here, so don’t get smart with me, missy.”

Twilight rolled her eyes at him, muttering something about ‘colts’ under her breath before turning to address him head on . “Will you stop being a little colt and let me take you to the castle now? We’re going to be late!”

Jon made a face, reaching down and pressing his pointer finger against the princess’s nose. Twilight’s body stiffened, her eyes crossing and her wings fully extending.

“Not telling me what’s going on is all well and good, but if I get murdered in that castle I’m going to haunt you for eternity,” he threatened, applying a little more pressure against Twilight’s snout. “And I’ll be the most annoying ghost that you’ll ever meet.

He then gave her snout a little flick, causing her to sneeze, before once again applying the pressure.

“I’ll put your books all out of order on your shelves, I’ll switch the sugar with salt in the morning when you’re drinking your coffee, and I swear to God above that I’ll stay at the edge of your bed when you’re about to sleep and watch you.”

After another moment or two, he relinquished his hold over Twilight, who promptly scurried away at a safe distance, a wary look in her eyes and her tail between her legs.

“I told you to stop doing that, you jerk,” she grumbled, rubbing her muzzle with a hoof.

The young man chuckled. “Oh, you love it, you big purple baby,” he replied, playfully sticking his tongue out at her.

A dozen blocks away, a train whistle let out its shrill cry.

~-~-~-~-~-~

The rest of the trip was spent in relative silence as the two jogged toward the heart of Equestria. It hadn’t been a short run, and by the end of it Jon was drenched in sweat and Twilight looked around ready to fall over, but they made it on time. Mindful of their state, however, Twilight had made the two stop just a block short of their destination to clean themselves up as best as they could.

Jon had complained but was staunchly ignored. With only a few quick spells, and Twilight fussing over her friend’s shirt, the two were ready and once again moving toward their destination.

The guards at the front gate had been expecting them and ushered them inside at record speed. One of the guards—who looked no different from any of his brothers—had led them through the labyrinth of halls and corridors.

Something seemed off about the castle. There wasn’t a single pony roaming the hall except their party. No sound whatsoever echoed off the thick stone walls. Every door that they passed was closed and every window only half-opened. Even the birds, which liked to fly around the support beams overhead and chirp at the castle’s visitors, were absent. Jon, though he thought it odd, did not dwell on it too much. Twilight seemed not to notice the distinct emptiness at all, or at the very least chose to ignore it.

Minutes passed by as they walked, the only sounds being that of their feet/hooves making contact with the stone floor and the metallic screech of armor plates rubbing against each other. Finally, after what felt like an hour of walking, the guard stopped in front of a seemingly normal wooden door, which looked exactly like the hundred others that they had walked past.

“The princess is expecting you here, my lady,” the stallion announced.

Both Jon and Twilight looked at the door, brows furrowed.

“…That doesn’t seem right. The princess told me to meet her in her chambers,” Twilight muttered.

“She doesn’t want to get my blood all over her carpet, I guess,” Jon muttered, only to get a nudge to the ribs for his efforts.

Twilight turned toward their guide, still unsure. “Sergeant Phalanx, are you sure that this is the right room?”

The guard nodded. “Yes ma’am. The princess ordered me to bring you to this room,” he said, nudging his head toward the door. “She was very specific.”

Both Jon and Twilight looked toward the door again, then back at each other. The alicorn smiled at him sheepishly while he eyed her in suspicion.

“…I’m sure it’s not—”

“This is a setup, isn’t it? I’m going to walk into that room and get hit in the back of the head with a baseball— umph!”

Twilight smiled nervously at the guard as she closed Jon’s mouth with a spell. “Thank you very much for showing us the way, Sergeant,” she said politely, bowing her head. “The two of us will take it from here.”

Eyeing the human for a moment—an eyebrow raised, though his expression was as solemn as ever—the guard turned toward the purple princess and smartly saluted. “You’re very welcome, ma’am,” he said, nodding his head in respect. “I will take my leave now. Both of you have a good afternoon.”

Twilight, giving the guard a wave, waited until he had disappeared down the hall before she released Jon’s mouth. “Jon! You can’t just go saying stuff like that in front of the guard,” she chided with a frown and a stomp of her hoof. “You’re going to get us in trouble!”

“I’m already in trouble,” Jon retorted, looking back at the door. “The second that I step into that room you, Princess Celestia, and whoever else is in there are going to off me.”

“Nopony’s going to hurt you!”

“That’s exactly what a murderer would say!”

“Aurgh! You’re impossible!”

“Yeah? Well, you’re purple!”

Twilight opened her mouth before covering her face with a hoof and groaning in irritation. She sat down with an angry flick of her tail. Taking a few deep breaths through her nose, she removed her hoof from her face and looked up at him.

“…What’s it going to take for me to convince you that nopony’s going to hurt you?” she asked, irritated but resolute, like a mother whose child just stepped foot into the toy department.

Jon crossed his arms. His bright green eyes looked her up and down carefully. If Twilight would have listened very carefully, she would have been able to hear the gears churning in his head.

“A Pinkie Promise,” he said after a moment’s deliberation.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “A Pinkie Promise?”

Jon nodded. “Yep. Pinkie Promise me that I’m going to walk out of that room in one piece,” he said. “If you do get me, at least Ponk will avenge me.”

Twilight opened her mouth to say something but thought better of it, simply shaking her head. “Fine, if you’re going to be such a little colt about it…”

Clearing her throat, she stood up straight and placed a hoof to her chest. “Jon E. Mous. I, Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, promise you that you will not be harmed in any way, shape, or form by myself or anyone else in Canterlot Castle. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

Jon’s eyes narrowed. “Poke yourself in the eye.”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed in return. “I’m not going to do that, Jon. It hurts.”

Jon’s eyes narrowed down to slits. “The pain is what makes it a Pinkie Promise.”

Twilight’s tail flicked in resolute disapproval. “That’s the stupidest thing that I’ve ever heard.”

“I don’t care how stupid you think it is, I’m not setting a foot in that room unless you poke yourself in the eye.”

The two had a bit of a stare-off before the princess groaned. “Fine,” she said, beginning to go through the motions. “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my—ow!”

A small smile came to Jon’s face as Twilight began to rub her eye, a frown on her face

“Are you happy now?” the princess demanded.

The young man nodded. “Yep, let’s go,” he said. He gestured toward the door. “Ladies first.”

Smacking him with one of her wings, Twilight brushed past him, “Ladies first, my butt,” she grumbled.

Loudly clearing her throat, she walked over and knocked on the door. “Princess? Are you in there? It’s me, Twilight. I brought Jon like we talked about.”

For a few moments, not a sound came from the other end of the door. No breathing, no talking, no movement. Nothing.

Twilight’s ears perked and Jon took a cautious step closer. Seconds turned into a minute and still no sound came from the room whatsoever. Twilight was just about to knock on the door again but then a voice finally came from the other side of the door.

“Ah yes, come in, come in, Twilight. I’ve been expecting you.”

Twilight smiled brightly, relief easing the tension that had been building up in her withers. “Alright, we’ll be right in!” she said, before she looked back over her wither at the human. “Don’t you dare say or do anything weird in there.”

“What the hell would I do in there?” Jon demanded.

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t know, but Celestia help me if you do it,” she growled, pointing a hoof at him. “Now act like a stallion for once in your life and remember to show the princess a little respect. Please.”

Jon made a rude gesture, but Twilight ignored it, turning her attention back toward the door. Her horn glowed, encasing the doorknob in her purple aura. With a flick of her horn the knob twisted. With another flick and a high-pitched squeal, courtesy of the door itself, the door was pulled open.

“Alright, Jon, let’s go,” the princess said, making her way into the room.

She was halfway through the door when she stopped and turned around. “Be. Good,” she growled, pointing a hoof at him before turning around and disappearing through the door.

Jon bit his lip. Rocking back and forth on his heels, he looked around the seemingly empty hallway. He then looked up at the ceiling, putting his hands together as if in prayer.

“Do something really silly to Twilight if I die, Pank,” he mumbled, bowing his head. “Do something really, really, really silly.”

Mustering up his courage, he made his way to the door. He poked his head inside—ready to jump back out into the hall if the need arose—only stepping into the room when he saw that the coast was clear and that no one was lying in wait with weapons.

“Jonathan? Is everything alright?” A voice called from deeper in the room.

He knew that voice; he had heard that motherly, powerful, beautiful, elegant, one-in-a-million tone that seemed to hang in the air for a few seconds longer than it should have many a time. Sure, it had been a few years since he had heard it, but never in his life would he ever forget it or its owner.

It was the voice of Princess Celestia, Lady of the Sun, and the Biggest Horse in the Land.

Jon paused mid-step. He then looked back at the still partially opened door. He frowned, before shaking his head with a small, bemused smile on his face

“…Everything’s alright. I’m coming,” he said, reaching over and grabbing the doorknob. “I was just… tying my shoe.”

The door shut with a click as he closed it before making his way into the room.

Once upon a time, he had lived in a room just like this for a number of weeks. Back before he was a worker in Bonbon’s candy shop, back before he managed to buy himself a small but comfortable house with a lovely little garden out in the front.

The walls were a warm tan color. Below, the floor was a plush red carpet. There wasn’t a speck of dirt or dust everywhere. Every single piece of furniture was made out of old, polished hardwood in some way or another.

Since the city had had its Summer Strawberry Celebration a few days prior, the room, along with the rest of the city, had a faint smell of strawberries to it. It was a pleasant scent, a calming scent, and with each breath he found himself relaxing more and more.

As he made his way into the room proper, Jon saw that three chairs had been put in the middle of the room. They were around a small coffee table, which had three tea cups, a pot of steaming tea, and a plate stacked to the brim with yellowish, round cookies that, even from ten feet away, smelled lemony and sugary.

Twilight was sitting in one of the chairs, stuffing her face with a hoof full of cookies while one of the teacups, full and steaming, floated around her head. Princess Celestia—whose chair was a good deal bigger than Twilight’s, as was the empty seat sitting across from her— was seated right next to her. The Princess was pouring some milk into a tea cup, stirring it slowly with a small silver spoon as she did so.

She wasn’t wearing any of her royal finery, he noticed, and her mane and tail weren’t floating on some unfelt breeze like they usually did. At that moment she looked like a normal pony. A normal pony who towered over most and had both wings and a horn but a normal pony nonetheless.

As he entered the room, both of the princesses looked up at him. Celestia smiled, setting the small jar of milk onto the table.

“Ah, there you are, Jonathan,” she said. “Please, please, sit down. We have much to… discuss.”

Jon gave the princess a careful once-over. He then looked over at Twilight, who was staring at him very hard. Drumming his fingers against his thigh, he walked over toward the two. Ignoring the empty chair completely, he made his way over to Princess Celestia’s side. Kneeling down, his head bowed, he grabbed her left hoof with both hands and gave it a kiss.

“It is very nice to see you, Don Celestia. I come to you, a humble acquaintance of the famil—Ow!”

Twilight—who was trying her hardest to frown despite the fact that her cheeks were comically overstuffed with cookies—glared at the human as he began to rub the back of his head.

“What the heck was that, Twi?!” the human demanded, looking over at her. “What the hell did you hit me with?!”

Twilight, too polite to talk with her mouth full, began to gesture wildly at him.

“Whatcha’ mean? There’s nothing wrong with kissing a princess’s hoof!”

More gesturing, some of it bordering on inappropriate.

“I did not! You told me to act politely before I came in here and that’s what I’m doing! And quit stuffing your cheeks like a chipmunk, you purple pig.”

Celestia—who had a small, amused smile on her face—carefully lifted her hoof from the human’s hands. She then loudly cleared her throat, causing the two to look at her.

“While I… appreciate your courtesy, Jonathan, there is no reason to bend over backwards for me,” she said, not unkindly. “This is a casual meeting; treat me as you would any other.” She gestured toward the empty chair. “Now please, sit. Have some tea and cakes. If Twilight is any indication, the cakes are quite good.”

Twilight, blushing, quickly swallowed. “…Excuse me, Princess,” she said, rubbing her leg. “I forgot to eat this morning and I’m a little… peckish.”

Celestia’s smile turned into a grin. “That’s quite alright, Twilight. I’ll be sure to tell the chef’s that you enjoyed them.”

Jon, nervously looking around, stood up and made his way to the empty chair. The whole time that he did this, he could feel Princess Celestia’s gaze on him. While this was nothing new—a lot of ponies would stop what they were doing to stare at him, even after all of this time—there was… something about how she looked at him.

Her gaze was intense, almost piercing. He could see sadness in her eyes; hopefulness, fear, trepidation, excitement.

This was not the gaze of a solemn, powerful, all-knowing ruler. This was something else. Someone else.

Trying to keep the growing concern from his face, Jon sat down and leaned forward. He grabbed an empty teacup and slid it over to him. Carefully grabbing the teapot—rubbing his thumb over the slightly warm, smooth ceramic— he poured himself some tea. Quickly bringing the cup to his lips, he gently blew before taking a sip of the slightly bitter, though refreshing, beverage.

Celestia, along with Twilight, watched him the whole time while he did this.

“Is the tea to your liking, Jon?” the Princess of the Sun politely asked, having a sip of tea herself. “I was told by the servant that brought it in that it had been made with a new blend of special tea leaves.”

Licking his lips, his eyes narrowed slightly as he tried to discern the various flavors in the tea, Jon put his cup back onto the table. “It taste fine,” he said. “It’s a bit more bitter than I usually get, but it’s alright.”

Celestia smiled, her wings ruffling against her sides. “So how have you been, Jonathan? Have my little ponies been treating you well?” she asked, leaning toward him.

“The Flower Sisters still pass out if they don’t see me walking by until the last minute.” he answered with a half-smile. “I always make sure to put them in funny positions. Other than that, I really can’t complain.”

Celestia nodded. “Very good, very good,” she said, her wings ruffling again.

She tapped a hoof against the arm of her chair before shifting in her seat. Her feathers ruffled for a third time as she leaned forward again before leaning back just as quickly. The chair creaked as she moved around, doing its best to hold her not insignificant weight.

Jon, helping himself to a cookie, realized that she was fidgeting. He looked over at Twilight to see that the purple alicorn was also staring at the princess, also not able to sit still in her seat.

This did absolutely nothing to inspire any confidence in him.

Putting his crumbly, sugary cookie back down onto the plate, he leaned back into his chair. “So… not to sound rude or anything, but do you guys mind telling me what’s going on?” He looked at the two princesses, tapping a finger against his thigh anxiously. “All of this hush-hush, cloak-and-dagger stuff gets a guy nervous…”

To his surprise, Celestia let out a quiet chuckle. If he hadn’t been looking at her, and paying attention, he doubted he would have even heard it.

There was no joy in the sound, no amusement. It was empty; empty with just a twinge of sadness.

“My apologizes, Jonathan,” the princess said, shaking her head. “For the last two days I have been wondering how to broach this subject with you. Unfortunately for me I haven’t had the slightest idea how to go about it…”

Twilight, now looking very concerned, set her teacup down with a spell. “Princess, maybe if I just—” she began, only to stop when Celestia raised a hoof.

“No, no, my old student. Though I wish more than anything for Jonathan to agree to my request I will not dance around the issue or lead him astray.” Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. “He deserves to know what I wish clear and plain, so that is what I will do.”

Biting his lip, Jon picked up his chair and scooted it away from the table and the princesses and toward the door behind him as discreetly as he could. “…Is this the part where you tell me that you have a bunch of clones of me underneath the castle that you’re experimenting on?” he carefully asked

Celestia chuckled again, staring at him with her big, beautiful, sad eyes. “No, no, my little human,” she said. “I simply brought you here to ask if you would try to put a child in me.”

For several seconds, the room was so quiet that one would have been able to hear the bacteria on the floor crawling around. In fact, at that moment, the entirety of Canterlot was so silent that one would have been able to hear a bumblebee fart.

Jon looked between the princesses. He then leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He brought his hands together, intertwining his fingers as he let out a puff of air through his nose.

“…Put a baby in you?” he asked carefully, weighing each word as if it were a gold coin. “You brought me all the way up here to put a… to put a baby in you?”

Twilight cringed, leaning back into her chair and hugging herself with her wings. Celestia, however, did not react to the incredulity in his voice. She simply sat there, looking him straight in the eye.

“Yes,” she said with a nod. “I would like you to try to impregnate me. Please.”

Several tense, sound-void seconds ticked by before Jon nodded, his eyes narrowing. He rolled his jaw—which popped several times— as he leaned back against his chair. Then, all at once, he cracked a smile.

“I had heard that you were a bit of a jokester, Princess, but I didn’t know that you were willing to take a joke this far.” He chuckled, leaning forward. “You know, you had me going there, Twilight! Making me think that—”

“It’s not a joke, Jon,” Twilight quietly said.

Jon’s jawed snapped shut. The amusement that had been coming to his face disappeared. Concern began to replace it; concern and confusion.

“…What?” He quickly stood up, knocking over his chair. “What?”

Both alicorns flinched as a loud, heavy bang filled the air. Celestia looked down at the table, her ears pinned against her skull, while Twilight quickly stood up.

“Jon, if you just sit back down and let us—”

“Put a baby in you?! Why in the name of Mr. Roger’s holy ghost would you want me to put a baby in you? We’re friends—at least I like to think so— but we don’t know each other that well!”

“Jon, plea—”

“I mean, you can’t just drop something like that on a guy! I haven’t even gone out on a date with one of you little horses! Why the hell would I—”

Twilight’s horn glowed.

Before Jon could say another word his mouth was forced shut. His chair was lifted back into the air and sat up. He was then forced to sit in the chair.

“Jon! Stop your yelling right this instant and let me explain, for Celestia’s sake!” Twilight shouted, marching over to him.

Though his mouth couldn’t move, Jon continued to look between Celestia and Twilight. His eyes were wide and slightly wild, as if he expected that they were going to jump him at any moment.

Twilight ignored this however, stopping right in front of him and plopping down. “Jon, I know that the princess was a little… blunt, and you have every right to be a little concerned, but I promise that if you just listen to me for a minute you’ll understand what’s going on.” She looked back at the princess, who continued to look down at the coffee table. “The princess is just nervous. I’m nervous too, but like I said, nothing’s going to happen to you. You’re going to be totally fine. I’m sorry that I sound like the two of us are going to do something to you but trust me; nothing is going to happen to you. Now, I’m going to let you talk again. Don’t freak out.”

The princess cut off the magic from her horn, releasing him. Jon gave her an angry glare, wiggling his arms and his legs to see if everything still worked, eyeing her as if he expected her to explode at any moment.

He frowned, scooching his chair away from her before making himself comfortable.“…Explain.”

Twilight bit her lip. Closing her eyes, she quietly counted out loud to herself before inhaling. Holding the breath for a few moments, she exhaled explosively and opened her eyes.

“Jon—”

The human shook his head. “Nuh-uh, not you.” He gestured toward Princess Celestia, who looked up at him. “Princess? You mind telling me what this is all about?”

Slowly, Princess Celestia rose from her seat and made her way over to him. Her steps were measured and graceful, and her head held up high, but there was very real fear in her eyes. She sat next to Twilight, sighed, and looked down at the ground.

“I have done many, many things in this world, Jon,” she began. “In my youngers years, I was an adventurer and a seeker of knowledge. As the years passed, I found myself as a blacksmith, a shopkeeper, one or twice I was a knight in the service of some noble. I have been a scribe, a beggar, I have worked the fields alongside earth ponies and woven clouds with pegasi.” She smiled ruefully. “I have also been, and still am, a ruler and a princess. For some centuries, I have been a ruler without equal and for others I have been something akin to a tyrant.”

Her wings ruffled as her withers sagged. Her smile became a little more forced, as was her body language.

“I have done and seen and experienced so, so many things in my long, long life, but there is one thing that I haven’t had the pleasure of knowing.”

It took a minute, but eventually Jon connected the pieces together. “You’ve never had a kid before?” he asked, brow furrowing. “How? Aren’t you like four thousand years old?”

Celestia’s muzzle scrunched up. “I’m not that old, Jonathan,” she said indignantly. “And it hasn’t been for a lack of trying, I promise you..”

“The princess has spent over a thousand years trying to conceive a child, Jon,” Twilight said. “But each time that she’s tried, it’s been a failure.”

Though it looked painful for her to do so, Celestia nodded. “I have laid with hundreds of stallions. When I saw that their seed would not take, I began to lay with gryphons, then yaks, then minotaurs, then diamond dogs. In my desperation, I have even tried to mate with dragons.”

“Dragons?” Jon said, his voice laced with both fascination and just a bit of horror. “Little ones or the big, giant ones? Because, while you’re big and all, I don’t see how it would work out with the big ones...”

“I used my magic to stimulate the drake and positioned myself so that the following emissions would go where they were needed,” the princess bluntly answered.

“…Oh,” the human murmured, chewing on his lip before leaning forward in his chair. “You know… A small part of me wants to know more...”

Both princesses watched the young man’s internal battle with himself. A minute passed before, with a straight face, he nodded. “Yep, I want to know. Now, did they cum so hard that—”

Twilight, blushing, was quick to cut that particular line of questioning off. “What the princess is trying to say is she has tried to have a child with every creature that she could get her hooves on.”

“…Every creature?”

“Jon…”

Jon raised his hands up defensively. “Hey, I was just asking. No need to bite my head off.”

Giving him a look that only promised pain, Twilight cleared her throat and continued. “From what she has told me, Princess Celestia has gone through every sapient species on the planet numerous times and no sperm has taken. Pony, gryphon, dragon, elk, diamond dog, every species had failed to impregnate an alicorn. As far as the princess is concerned, there is nothing on this planet that can get them pregnant. ”

“…But then I came,” Jon muttered.

Both of the princesses nodded.

“That is correct, Jonathan,” Celestia quietly said. “I have never laid with a human before, not in all of my years trying to conceive a child. Not in all of my years of living have I seen one of your kind until you came.”

“But how do you know that having sex with me would do anything?” Jon demanded, wringing his hands.

“I don’t,” Celestia answered honestly.

“Couldn’t you just be infertile?”

The Princess of the Sun shook her head. “Since the practice of medicine—as you know it— began, I have been going to doctors to see if something is wrong with me. For the last five hundred years, I have been told that I should be able to conceive.”

“But I’m a human and you’re an alicorn! How would something like that even work!?”

“As I said, I have seen many things,” Celestia calmly responded. “You would be very surprised, Jonathan.”

“What about adopting? That’s practically the same thing if you get a kid that’s young enough!”

“I have adopted, many times in fact,” the princess admitted. “And each and every one of them has brought joy and light to my life. But it is not the same. I did not feel any of them growing in my belly. I did not give birth to them. They did not suckle on my teat.”

Jon looked around the room, his mind racing. With them this close, he could smell both of the alicorns. Sweat and lavender clung to Twilight, like it usually did, but Celestia’s scent he couldn’t quite identify. Vanilla, frankincense, sugar, chocolate, some type of bitter-smelling soap. It was everywhere in the room, overpowering the smell of strawberries and the varnish of the chair that he sat in.

Suddenly, his eyes widened. “Wait, wait, wait! What about Shining! He had a kid with that pink love princess!”

“Cadance ascended just like me, Jon,” Twilight said carefully. “Me and her aren’t like Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Their ascension was… different.”

“And even if he could, I would not ask Shining Armor to forsake his wife to bed me,” Celestia added firmly. “I may wish for a child but I will not cause two ponies that love each other pain such as that.”

“You don’t have to fuck him! All you’d need to do is—” Groaning, Jon covered his face with his hands.

He hadn’t been expecting this. He hadn’t been expecting anything close to this. This was supposed to be a simple visit. He was supposed to come up here, embarrass Twilight in front of her old teacher, talk to both princesses and some of the castle staff, and he was supposed to go home so he could get ready for work tomorrow.

Something like this wasn’t supposed to happen. It was nonsense, impossible. It was too much too fast. He couldn’t handle it; he didn’t know how to act or what to do in this situation.

He groaned again, so loudly that the sound bounced off the walls “Why couldn’t you just have asked me about some bullshit friendship lesson?!”

Twilight, a bit of worry coloring her features, placed a hoof on her leg. “I know that this is a lot to take in, Jon, but I really need you to think about this,” she said carefully. “Could you imagine living as long as the princess has, seeing all of these ponies having children, and not be able to do the same.”

“I don’t need to imagine, Twi,” Jon retorted hotly. “I’m never going to have kids either because there’s—”

A shiver ran up his body as the realization finally settled in; a realization that hadn’t crossed his mind since he had fallen into this world with nothing but the clothes off his back. He had no idea why he had never thought of it before—it was so obvious that it may as well have been right in front of his face.

“…There’s only one human on this planet. Me,” he quietly finished. He looked down at his lap, feeling his stomach twist as the cold, hard truth washed over him. “I’m never going to have kids. No one to pass the legacy on. No one to throw a ball to. No diapers to change or babies to feed. When I go there’s nothing else, no one else. Just a legacy and a name.”

Not knowing what else to do, he snorted half-heartedly. “Why the hell did I just realize that?” he muttered to himself, hugging his arms to his chest as he leaned forward. “It’s so obvious. Like the most obvious thing in the world. I should have known about it as soon as I landed here. I should have… I should… Wow… That’s kind of fucked up… Really kind of fucked up.”

Something as soft as spun clouds and as warm as a blanket that just got out of the dryer touched his shoulder. Looking up, he saw that it was Celestia’s wing. The Princess was giving him a small smile, understanding and pain in her eyes.

“That doesn’t have to be the case, Jon,” she said. “You could still have a chance. We could still have a chance.”

Jon looked back down at his lap, overwhelmed and confused. “…Did Twilight mention that I don’t see any of you guys in that way?” he blurted out. “A couple mares have tossed it out there back in Ponyville, and I was flattered and all, but… you know…”

“Twilight told me you would be resistant to the idea,” Celestia replied. “I had thought of tempting you with bits, as I’ve had to do in the past, but decided against it.”

“This… this is a hell of a lot to take in on a Tuesday,” The human admitted. He looked up at the white alicorn. “Why now? Why not ask me later?”

“I only go into heat twice a year,” Celestia told him. “While we needn’t do anything now, Twilight and I decided to see if you would have an inkling of an interest in helping me with my… problem.”

Jon looked her up and down carefully. “So that means you’re…” He trailed off, vaguely gesturing with his hands.

For the first time since he had entered the room, a bit of pink came to Celestia’s cheeks. “Yes, I am in season,” she said, almost shyly, her free wing dipping down to cover her side. “Which is another reason why I was so eager to bring you up here and ask you.”

Not knowing what to say to that, Jon just nodded. “…Alright.”

He looked back down at his lap. For the next ten minutes, he didn’t say a word, lost in his thoughts and feelings. During this time, neither Twilight nor Celestia said a thing. They stood there quietly—Celestia’s wing still on the human’s shoulder—and waited.

“What would happen if we, you know…” he whispered, keeping his gaze glued to his lap.

“If we were to conceive, I would have you come to the castle to live with me,” Celestia answered without hesitation, her voice like iron. “Both you and our child would never want for anything. You would also be crowned a prince-consort and he a prince, and for the rest of our days I would give you all of the love and affection that I am able to give.”

His mouth twitched. “So we’d get married and live happily ever after, huh?” he asked, almost sounding amused.

Celestia’s wing curled around his entire back with a tenderness that almost made him get up and pull her into a hug. “Jonathan, I swear, on my title, my life, and even my sun, that I will do everything in my power to make you the happiest stallion in the world if you bring my dream to fruition.”

He was quiet for several more minutes, the gears in his mind churning as he thought long and hard. Finally, he spoke,“…Can I talk to Twilight for a bit before I say anything, Princess? Please?”

Immediately, Celestia nodded. “Of course,” she said, lifting her wing from his shoulders and tucking it back against her side. “I understand that this is quite a thing to ask of you.”

Though she was doing her best to appear regal and calm, cracks could be seen at the edges of her mask and heard in her voice. “If there is anything—”

“Something very strong to drink. A whole bottle of it, with two glasses.”

Celestia nodded, her movements tense and jerky. “Very well. I shall go to the kitchens at once and see that you get what you need.” Her feathers ruffled as she looked at Twilight. “Twilight, if either of you need anything, anything at all, you know how to contact me. “

With that, the princess all but fled the room, leaving Twilight and Jon alone.

Twilight, working up her courage, once again placed a hoof in his knee. “…Are you alright, Jon?”

“...I don’t know,” the human said, shaking his head. “I have absolutely no idea...”

Twilight flinched, quickly looking down at the ground, regret coloring her features. “I know we keep telling you that this is a lot to take in, but we wouldn’t ask you unless there wasn’t anything else that we could do,” the Princess of Friendship said. “When the princess told me that she was never able to—”

Not looking up, Jon grabbed Twilight’s muzzle and snapped it shut. Twilight, both surprised and a little confused, looked at him as he sighed.

“When that servant or chief or whatever comes to the door with that bottle of liquor we’re going to drink every bit of it,” he proclaimed, finally looking up at her. “I’m pretty sure that I’ll be doing most of the drinking though. And forget about either of us getting any sleep tonight.”

Giving Twilight’s incredibly soft, furry muzzle a little squeeze, he released it and let his hand flop onto the arm of his chair. “What time is it?” he asked.

Twilight’s frowned, looking over at the clock on the wall. “A quarter past two. Why?”

Jon leaned back into his chair. “I work at eight in the morning tomorrow,” he said. “That means that you have eighteen hours to convince me to have the kids that I may or may not want in the future.”

He crossed his legs, staring at her hard as she stared back in slack-jawed disbelief. “I’d hurry up and think up some good reasons though, because I plan to get so fucked up that I can’t see in a couple of hours.”