Free Pussy

Marcus couldn't believe how long it had been since he'd last gotten some tail. Well, suppose it was literal tail now, considering he was living in Equestria. All he knew was that waking up with a hard-on so intense it began to ache every morning wasn't healthy. Participating in No Nut November had been an impossibility, of course.

Luckily, that wasn't a custom in Equestria, and whenever he brought it up to anyone, he got funny looks. No idea why.

His house in Ponyville was neat and tidy—working part time gave him plenty of chances to keep on top of the place. It was a bungalow, of course, because horses were shitty at traversing stairs, as much as they liked to pretend otherwise. Today was a day off, and Marcus always found himself rather aimless on those. He'd lived in Equestria for a little while now, but despite being vaguely introduced to Twilight Sparkle and her friends, he hadn't really pursued interactions with any of them. It was an anxious thing, unfortunately.

So it was that he used his time off to have some 'Marcus time'. He got dressed, put on his shoes, and stepped outside for a stroll. The town was vibrant and full of energy as always. Ponies smiled at him—they were all rather friendly—and he smiled back. They didn't treat him much different to anyone else, it was nice to say. He wasn't the most social person, even when he wanted to be, but Marcus at least felt welcome around the locals.

Just a shame he couldn't bring himself to get to know some of them better.

His footsteps kept one another company as he walked towards the town's nearby park. It was pretty as usual. Strange plants and foliage that didn't exist in his home world permeated the area, and of course, families lounged, children played, couples enjoyed one another's company. It was hard, but Marcus managed to feel warm and jealous from the display at the same time.

Ponies treated him much the same as anyone else, it seemed, but would they be able to pursue close friendships or relationships with him? He'd wondered multiple times how deep beneath the surface their welcoming natures went, whether there was some fear or xenophobia beneath it all. He'd hope that wasn't the case, but after being exposed to the ugliness of human nature in the past, he could never be too certain.

Those kinds of thoughts weren't what he came out for, and the longer he stayed in the park, listening to the light chuckles of parents watching their children play and the breathless squeals of racing foals, the more they perpetuated. It wasn't a healthy place for him to be, so he decided to keep on. He left the park behind him, with all of its positive vibes staying rooted.

Having some form of companionship sounded amazing to him, and he knew it. There was no worse feeling than having a queen sized bed with no one to share it with, or cooking a meal and not having anyone to compliment its taste. Or ripping a killer belch and having no one try to smack you with a rolled up newspaper. It was the little things like that which made having another around him seem so enticing. He'd give a lot for the confidence to approach a pony and build some kind of rapport with them. Maybe he'd end up going to Twilight for friendship lessons at this rate, as embarrassing as that might have been.

He pushed that thought away with a shake of his head. He couldn't bring himself to do that, it'd just be too much. He'd just have to... go to a bar, or something. Or join the gym. He'd find a way to meet people that put a little less pressure on him, rather than becoming known as the resident human who happened to be Twilight's friendship student. At that point, he might as well have been wearing a badge stating 'hi, I'm a social retard!'. Only reason Starlight got away with it is because she was so cute. Well, cute and ex-evil.

Which was a pretty great combo, when he thought about it. Maybe if he tried being evil for a bit, he could make some friends after without anyone thinking he was odd. What would he do though? Not pay his taxes? Refuse to water his garden and let his plants wither? Make fun of Derpy?

No, that was way too far. Maybe he wasn't destined for the villain life, even if it'd get him talking to ponies after. Marcus frowned as he continued to walk along the outskirts of town, batting a little bit of curly brown fringe off of his forehead. He kept it short, but it was almost impossible to keep neat or in place, no matter how he styled it.

Fiddling with his hair had almost stopped him from noticing the picket sign in the ground near Fluttershy's cottage. He'd spoken to her a few times, one of the few of Twilight's friends who he'd managed to become friendly with, probably because she was even more awkward than him, and he felt less intimidated.

Still, seeing a sign in the grass felt strange. He wasn't going in that direction, but part of him wondered what it said, so he turned on his feet and started walking towards it. Maybe she was selling her house? He hoped not. She was one of the few ponies in the area who seemed to enjoy his company, and he liked hers too. Walking closer, he had to squint to make out the paint, and when he did, his heart almost stopped.

On the sign, the words 'free pussy' were painted. Furthermore, Marcus could see Fluttershy in her garden. Her animals didn't seem to be about, and she was laying in the grass, eyes closed, the picture of tranquility.

"No fucking way..." Marcus mouthed, blinking rapidly at the sight. He looked from the sign to Fluttershy, then back to it. She hadn't noticed him yet—he had a shiver going up him, some mixture of shock and arousal that he hadn't expected so suddenly. He'd never have imagined Fluttershy to be the type for something, well, something like this! Marcus knew that ponies were more relaxed than humans about sexual matters, but she'd always seemed so meek, and... was this what ponies did when they were in heat? Advertised it this crudely?

And it was crude, in a sense. The writing wasn't exactly neat, to the point that it almost looked like it had been scratched in by a pony that had no clue how to use (microsoft) paint. It made sense, really. Non-unicorns had trouble holding anything properly, Marcus imagined that painting must have been pretty damn hard.

Just like he was right now. He felt as nervous as always, perhaps doubly so considering the situation, but this was Fluttershy. Fluttershy was somepony he knew, and someone who made him feel relaxed to be around. If she was offering, and he felt better around her than most other ponies, and he'd been this freaking long without sex... could he just ask?

She was advertising it for free, after all. There was a sign right there that said 'come bang me', or might as well have. What the heck was he waiting for, to be called over?

"Marcus!" came a soft voice that sounded like a whisper, even when its user was shouting.

"Oh fuck," Marcus said under his breath, fully aware of the tent he was beginning to pitch, and wondering how the fuck he was going to explain himself out of staring at that sign. "H-hey, Fluttershy! How are you doing?"

"I'm pretty good, thank you. It's been a bit of a tiring day, though. Lots of attention..." she gestured towards the sign, and instantly, Marcus knew exactly what she meant. It was probably terrible to say that the thought turned him on more.

"Oh, r-really?" He wanted to advance the conversation, he wanted desperately to. He wanted to put the moves on her and take her inside, maybe not even to fuck her like the sign offered, but just to do something more than the nothing he'd done in the last few months. "That's..." he really didn't know what to say. What the fuck was somebody meant to say in this situation?

"I noticed you saw the sign," Fluttershy smiled, a little tooth showing. "Were you interested too, Marcus?"

Holy shit, this was happening. How could this be happening? Fluttershy was awaiting his response with her tail softly brushing back and forth against the floor, her ears perked, looking so adorable that Marcus was legitimately scared of heart failure.

If there was any moment that Marcus could have better luck than right now, he didn't know it. He was literally passing up on something amazing every moment he kept stalling, and if he didn't speak up soon, the chance could be gone forever. Every thought as to whether this was morally okay, whether this was normal, whether news of it would spread around town, all of it went out of the window in that one moment, as horniness, loneliness, the pair of them took control. "S-so, I know you're advertising, but I'm a little nervous about asking..."

Fluttershy looked at the sign, and then back to him. "Oh, no, don't worry, I've got plenty to go around!" She batted her eyelids, eyeing him curiously. "So, how about it? Are you interested?"

Marcus tried to ignore just how slutty that first bit had sounded. He gulped, swallowing a lump in his throat, but unable to produce words, found himself slowly inclining his head instead. He began to nod faster after a second, and Fluttershy raised up, clearly excited.

"Okay! Let me just go and come back real quickly, and we'll sort you out!"

Before Marcus could even blink in confusion, Fluttershy had zoomed off. Faster than she'd ever seen the pegasus move, actually. She must have been really excited for what came next. Marcus didn't know if that boded well for him, or if Fluttershy was the kind of freak that'd try to snap him in half. Honestly, he wouldn't mind either way, it'd been too long.

When Fluttershy rushed back, Marcus had already stepped a little further into her garden. He was considering coming inside, maybe trying to flirt a little to make the moment less forced in his mind, but something about Fluttershy gave him pause when she came back.

She still looked just as excited as before, but there was something else. A tabby cat about a third of the size of her was perched on Fluttershy's back. "Here we are! I've been excited to give this little beauty a new home. She doesn't get along with Angel very well, you see. Thank you so much for choosing to adopt her, Marcus! She was my last stray, so I'm really glad!"

Marcus blinked. He looked at the cat, who hopped down and began rolling around in the grass with its eyes squeezed shut. He looked to Fluttershy. He read the sign again, more slowly. "Free Pussy..." Marcus repeated, an eyebrow raised. "This was all about giving cats to new homes, wasn't it?"

Fluttershy laughed as if it was obvious. "Of course! I meant to write 'pussycat', but I ran out of space, and I didn't have another sign. It actually led to a little confusion earlier. Would you believe that a few stallions thought I was offering—" Fluttershy dropped her tone to a scandalous whisper, "—sex, like some kind of public lover?"

Marcus began sweating profusely. "Oh! That's funny, I never would have thought of that, not at all, and that's obviously not why I told you I was interested or anything, eheheheh." Marcus was very barely holding back his temptation to punch the stupid sign, or himself. "I'm sure you must've had a hard time saying no to them, right? I know it's hard for you to do." That's it, play compassionate. Style yourself out of this.

Fluttershy blushed, squirming a little. "Actually... I didn't really have the heart to say 'no' to them when they came to me with their hopes up. That's why I'm feeling so tired, I'm a little sore..." Marcus felt blood rush to his face, he also felt a glimmer of hope. "They all took a cat afterwards too, and promised to come back if they had any concerns! Oh, I'm happy that you weren't looking for anything like that, though, Marcus, because I'm honestly too tired to even consider it right now. I'm sure it would've been fun, though. You're so generous, taking that cat off of me." Anddd there went the hope.

Before Marcus could say anything, Fluttershy moved forwards and planted a peck on his cheek. That was the most contact he'd had in about two months, almost enough to defuse his frustration at the misunderstanding, at least temporarily. "Th-thanks, but it's nothing. Just looking to help, that's all."

"Well, I'm extremely grateful! If you need to know anything about how to care for a cat, feel free to ask me, and if you're looking for pet supplies, I can help too! Did you want to take her with you now?"

Marcus really didn't know what to say anymore. His mouth had gone dry. His god had left him. "Y-yeah, sure." Okay, so he was a cat owner now. Man had been thrust with cat, and there was no sex to be had. He'd see the silver lining later, he was too busy being dejected right then. A moment later, he thought of a single question worth asking. "Does she have a name, the tabby?"

"Honestly, I hadn't had any of the strays long enough to name them," Fluttershy admitted, almost looking guilty for saying so. "I imagine you could name her yourself, if you'd like. If not, I have a book of the two thousand most popular cat names! Twilight lent it to me, and I'm dreading having to give it back..."

Marcus took that as a cue not to ask for it, shaking his head. Honestly, even though this was like, the worst misunderstanding he could've possibly had, it was almost impossible to be mad at Fluttershy over it. It was more that he was annoyed with himself. "I think I'll take her with me now. Thanks, Fluttershy."

"You're welcome!" she waved as Marcus picked the wide eyed tabby up from the grass, having to tug slightly as she attempted to embed her claws into his shirt. Marcus placed her between his arms, where she proceeded to swipe at his sleeves. "Be sure to come back and tell me how she's coming along, and remember, that one gets fussy about baths!"

Marcus nodded, though it was more vacant than he let on. He sighed as he walked away, unable to wave back as he cradled the new cat. That had to be the most monumental fuck up of an assumption he'd ever made, and he was sure it would haunt him. "Fucking idiot," he mumbled to himself as he walked away, staring at the floor. "Of course she hadn't been offering sex, what kind of pony would do that? Not Fluttershy, that's for sure. I can't believe I was so stupid." A long sigh. "Guess I'm just freaking destined to stay lonely, eh?"

The cat's ear twitched from where it laid, and it distracted Marcus long enough to pause in his rant. "Well, not completely lonely. Guess I've got you, huh? Been a long time since I had a pet. Might be nice to have some company in the house. Shall we go get you some essentials? Toys, food, litter tray?"

The cat simply blinked in response because it was a cat and they weren't really capable of giving coherent answers. Marcus rolled his eyes, focussing on the path in front of him. It was brief, but the hint of a smile tugged at his lips. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. He might not have got what he was after, but he was getting to give what was once a stray animal a home, so he could at least make sure it was a loving one.

Marcus went around the shops soon after, picking up everything he thought he needed for his new tabby. When he reached the counter, a cute mare with a frizzy blonde mane and a mulberry coat gave him a chipper smile, eyes widening as soon as she saw the cat, who she proceeded to dote on. Marcus could almost hear the cat's purr as the unicorn scratched behind its ears. "Oh, isn't she just adorable. What's her name?"

Shit. Cute mare, talking to Marcus. What did he do? "O-oh, uh... I haven't named her yet. I only just picked her up, which is why I'm grabbing all this stuff. I'm Marcus, though. I was named a while ago." Marcus had to stop himself from facepalming at that line, it was probably the most ridiculous thing he could have possibly said.

Luckily, the mare laughed, though her eyes remained firmly on the tabby for a little longer. When she faced Marcus, she almost seemed a little warmer than before. "This'll be thirty-five bits, please. I hope you'll come back soon!"

Marcus nodded and paid, and soon enough, he was out of the shop, pondering why the same mare that he was sure had served him before seemed so much more receptive this time around. It was a profound difference, he was sure, and it had made him clam up. What the heck was he meant to do when mares he was attracted to started speaking to him?

Marcus mentally shrugged, finally reaching his home and placing his key in the door. He stepped inside, going around and beginning to set up the food bowl and litter tray, as well as placing the back door's cat flap down. He usually had it open for the nozzle of his drier to go through, but he didn't want his new tabby running off before it was house trained.

Feeling a little silly for speaking, he turned to face her. "This is your new home," he said, gesturing around to the bungalow. "I'll let you go outside again in a day or so, but just get used to the place for now. I've got some food for you to try out. We're going to try and find something you like, okay?"

The cat blinked, just like last time. It seemed like a happy blink, though. Then it did that things cats do where it moved forwards and rubbed the side of its head against Marcus' leg. That meant she liked him, he thought.

Then, Marcus looked down at the floor. The tabby was treading mud from Fluttershy's cottage all over his tiles. As if he didn't have enough to deal with. "Okay, bath time."

The cat seemed to shy away at that word, her ears folding back and her tail beginning to flick. When Marcus went to pick her up this time, instead of being the usual calm ball of fuzz, she hissed at him.

"Whoa! Come on, tabby cat. We need to bath you so you don't get mud everywhere. It won't take long, okay?"

The hissing got louder, but Marcus ignored it. He took the cat to the bathroom while she attempted to squirm her way out of his grasp, and as he finally began to run a shallow bath for her, she dug her claws into his shoulder and scrambled away.

"Shit, ow!" Marcus more or less leapt after the cat, catching her mid-turn and picking her back up. "No scratching, it's bath time." he said, this time more sternly, and the cat seemed to get the message.

Right as he'd finished running the bath, he released a breath. Looked like the most stressful part was over. As he went to place the tabby in the bath, however, she started squirming again. He tried to hold her in place, not wanting to drop her in, but she began moving faster, stronger than any cat he'd ever held. It was actually difficult to keep control of her, let alone place her in the bath. She was mewling in suspension and fighting for dear life, but eventually, Marcus held her so her paws were only a couple of inches over the steamy water.

"N-no!" was what Marcus heard next. And then a lot of things happened.

The cat covered her mouth with a paw. Marcus dropped the cat out of shock, and she landed in the water. She emerged straight after, trying to scramble her way out. "No! I hate it, it's so wet and nasty!"

"You can talk?!"

"Yes I can talk now get me out of here!" the cat all but screeched in plain English.

Marcus was so stunned that he grabbed a towel and lifted the tabby out, not knowing what the hell else to do. For a few moments, they looked at each other, tabby drying her paws on the towel, human doing his best to remember that this was Equestria, and strange magic shit happened here all the time.

"Are... are talking cats normal?" he eventually managed, still slightly awe-struck.

"No, not at all," the tabby replied in what Marcus could only describe as a light, laid back female voice. "That Fluttershy didn't know I could do it, either." The talking tabby shook herself off, making her fur go all poofy. "Thanks for getting me out, and sorry for ruining your towel."

"You haven't ruined my—" Marcus looked at the mud now caking his Saddle Arabian cotton. "Oh. So why didn't you tell Fluttershy, and how didn't she realise? I thought her special talent was knowing all about animals."

"That's why I had to try so damn hard to hide it from her," the tabby admitted, still wiping its paws. "My name's Selena, by the way, and I'm not a usual house cat, if that wasn't obvious."

"Well... yeah, I can see that much," Marcus half-laughed. He was still surprised as hell to see a talking cat in his bathroom, but wasn't entirely sure it was the strangest thing that had happened today. "So, why didn't you want to stay at Fluttershy's? What was the problem with her knowing what you are?"

"If she knew, she would have wanted to keep me, and that rabbit scares the bejesus out of me. That thing just isn't natural, I swear."

Selena almost seemed to shudder at the mention, her tail bristling. "Jeez, didn't know it was such a big deal. So, why'd you choose to talk to me?"

"Well, you hardly gave me a choice. You were about to stick me in that water," Selena scowled. "In fact, you still did. I think I deserve a redo."

Marcus shook his head at her. "Don't give me that. If you spoke every time you were put in a bath, Fluttershy would've known you were special. How does a talking cat end up a stray, anyways?"

"Doesn't matter," Selena said, turning away. "All that matters is that you chose to pick me up and be kind to me, even though that wasn't what you were there for." She turned back, giving him a slightly judging look, as cats often do. "Not that the reason you were there wasn't seedy as hell."

Marcus could feel his cheeks heating up and had to fight the urge to cover them. "Guess you heard me complaining earlier, huh?"

"Not just that. I saw you awfully attempting to flirt with the mare in the store, who was basically putty in your hooves. You know why she was so interested in you?"

Marcus tilted his head, Selena pointed a paw at herself. "Y-you? How could it be you?"

"Are you kidding? I'm cute as heck, and self-aware to boot. I'm the best wingcat you could ever have, no doubt." She fluttered her feline lashes, obviously trying to reinforce the 'cute' factor, not that she needed to. Now that she mentioned it, she was probably right. "In fact..."

"What? What is it?"

"You look like you're going to be a good owner. I mean, I hope you're gonna be, anyways, else I'll run away in the night, but that's not the point." Selena finally stepped off the towel, paws clean, laying down on the floor in front of Marcus and stretching out her limbs. "You're willing to take care of me, but you're still getting nothing out of it, besides my amazing company. You want a mare in your life, but you're awful at getting close to them. How about I help you out? I can get you close to a mare or six, and you can stop buying me turkey flavoured cat food and start buying me lamb. Also, I want a scratching post, deal?"

Selena put out a paw to shake. Marcus hesitated, but eventually, his hand followed suit, and the two of them met in a wordless agreement. He'd carry on being good to her, and she'd somehow get him with mares, even if he was skeptical as to the specifics. That said, she'd offered him a deal, and it was hard to say no to free pussy.