Free Pussy

"Celestia's Secret, really?" came the derisive voice of Marcus' new pet, accompanied by a judging stare.

Marcus looked down at Selena, who was nudging at a catalogue on top of the coffee table. His cheeks reddened, and he snatched it away in order to hide it. "Quit judging me. I'm a guy, okay? I want to look at things like that sometimes."

"That isn't what I'm judging," Selena snickered with a shake of her head. "What are you, twelve? Buy some real porn."

Marcus actually felt himself wince at that. "Y'know, I-I'm not really comfortable talking about that with you. We've known each other for like, a couple of hours."

Selena stretched out, softly mewling as she laid on the table and curled her tail. "I'm your cat. Expect me to spend most of my time prying into your business and making you feel bad about it. Also, this is comfy."

"Noted," Marcus sighed. He pushed his fingers against his closed lids, gently rubbing and trying to dispel the feeling of embarrassment before placing the catalogue up somewhere high. He'd have to do a sweep of the house soon, make sure there was nothing else for her to find and tease him over. When he looked back, he found Selena tapping her claws against the table in a gentle, bored rhythm.

"You aren't going to do anything about your crippling loneliness sat around in the house, in case you hadn't realised." Selena flashed her teeth as she yawned, stretching her legs and showing off a set of sharp teeth. "You need to fix up and get ready to turn some heads if you want any chance at landing a mare."

Marcus raised an eyebrow. "I don't think you're telling me anything that I don't already know. Aren't you meant to be helping me out with that?" Honestly, he still couldn't imagine how exactly she was going to make a profound difference, but Marcus tried to withhold his skepticism for now.

"I can't help you until you help yourself," Selena stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "What do you think women want, Marcus?"

Well, that was a fucking difficult question. Hell, if he knew that, he wouldn't be in this situation in the first place, relying on a magical cat to get him laid. He tapped a finger against his chin as he mulled it over. "Hmm... someone honest and sincere? Someone who knows how to be themselves?"

Selena cackled in response. It was a light, lilting thing with a small mewl thrown in, and though she squeezed her eyes shut as she faced him, she looked even more condescending than usual. "You try being yourself around a mare, see how that pans out. You're an awkward, bumbling mess, Marcus, and you've got softcore porn sitting on your coffee table. You're not exactly displaying all the signs of a catch right now."

Marcus dragged a hand down his face if only to hide the blush he was presenting. "Jesus, do you have to keep going on about that? Ugh, fine, maybe I don't know what I'm doing. What am I supposed to do then? Lie, pretend to be someone I'm not?"

"No!" Selena waved a paw, then paused herself midway. "I mean, yes, kinda? I like to call it 'presenting the best version of yourself', but really, it's all about the subtle manipulations that take place between two people. Nothing terrible or unethical, just social mechanics. Dating's a battlefield, and you're either winning, or you're screwing up. Think about right now. Who's leading the conversation?" Without waiting for an answer, Selena continued. "I am. And that's how it's meant to be. Mares like to talk. Everyone does, but mares are more conversational than stallions, men, whatever. When I talk, you listen, act interested, answer questions, and offer insight. You got it?"

It was all a lot to keep up with, especially with Marcus' almost non-existent track record, but he managed a nod. "Yeah, think I'm keeping up."

"See, you're doing it already. Mares want to feel as if their opinions and stories are valued, and they don't want to feel pressured into sharing. You want to give just enough that she's leading the conversation, but not so little that she feels as if she has to talk to two. Also, try to keep any weird stuff to yourself at first. Doesn't hurt to exercise a bit of restraint."

Marcus was seriously considering taking notes at this point. "Okay, so what am I doing while she's talking? How am I acting, where am I looking?"

"Don't overthink it that much. You're not even there yet." Selena rolled over on the table, exposing her fluffy belly and looking at Marcus from her upside-down spot. "It's no use spending all of your time thinking about how to talk to mares when your chances of actually getting to are basically zero right now."

Marcus felt his brows furrow. "Are you saying I'm not attractive, or something?"

"Oh, you're alright. You've got the whole human thing going for you too, so that's a plus."

"You know what I am?"

"Why do you think I never reacted to it? Of course I do," Selena answered with a roll of her eyes. "Anyways, it's not your face that's the problem, it's how you carry yourself. Right now, you're wearing a plain black tee, dark jeans, and a pair of sneakers. You know what that says to me?"

Marcus took some time looking his outfit over. "...that I like dark colours?"

"That you're wearing dark colours in the middle of summer. That's stupid. It also does basically nothing to make you stand out. You look like you've made no effort with your appearance, and unless you're drop dead gorgeous—and sorry hun, you're a seven, eight at best—that isn't going to retain the average mare's attention. Mares are more emotive than stallions, they do care about personality over physicality, but do you think they're looking to stop and give the ugly fuckling the time of day? Newsflash, the answer's no."

Selena spoke in such a rapid succession of cutting words that Marcus had to avoid getting sliced to ribbons. "So what you're saying is that I should wear brighter colours?"

"Not just that. Dress nicer. Smell nicer. Invest in some cologne, mares love the scent of a man that wears good product. Do something with your hair instead of leaving it in those messy curls. Go clean shaven, you've got a good jawline. And for Bast's sake, trim down your body hair. It's natural on horses, it isn't on you."

Marcus looked down his own shirt. "H-how did you know?"

"Natural feline intuition. Or it might have been the half hour I was cradled in your arms for, earlier." All of a sudden, Selena had a disarming grin about her. "That was nice, by the way. I enjoy an owner that knows how to hold me properly."

Marcus was like a beetroot. "Oh, thanks, I guess... that wasn't too weird then, or?"

Selena looked at him as if he was insane. "I'm literally your pet. What would be weird about you holding me? I just hope you're good at petting, too."

Marcus couldn't articulate why he felt so awkward, but he started pulling at the collar of his shirt regardless. "I'm... ahem." Marcus scratched the back of his neck. "I'm not exactly used to petting things that talk."

"Well isn't that the point of all this?" To call it a Cheshire grin would be frightfully accurate, as that's exactly what Selena did. "If you play your cards right, you're going to be doing a lot more than petting, and I'll be eating the finest Trottingham lamb for life. So loosen up, don't be awkward around me. If I want to be petted, you'd better pet me."

She was so forceful despite her tiny stature, it was difficult to say no to her. It didn't help that Marcus couldn't read her whatsoever. "Uhh, okay, I suppose. I guess it's not that weird, really."

"That's the spirit!" Selena considered her words for a second, shaking her head. "Actually, it isn't. You still sound like you've got less confidence than a government formed by Discord, but it's a start. So, you know what you need to do first. Dress nice, smell nice, fix up. Maybe think up some fun stories from earth, embellish them a little if you need to. As long as you're not flat out bullshitting to your potential partner, exaggerating details and making things sound a little bit more exciting is basically a narrative tool."

Marcus frowned at that, biting his lip as he mulled it over. "Aren't you essentially telling me that it's okay to lie?"

"I mean, hey, I'm not advocating it, but I'm not condemning it. I'm here to get you better at picking up girls, not to show you the most ethically acceptable way to do it. We're talking basic psychology and interpersonal skills here, baby." Selena's tail flicked as she moved to stand, stalking the table before leaping onto the nearby couch, soon finding another place to curl up. "But I'm not just here to coach you. You go and pick me up a couple of things today. I need new food, and I want a collar. There's a boutique in town, they can probably make you one for me."

Oh, being ordered around by his pet again. Fun. "Okay, but what about me? Am I meant to go practice? Look at myself in the mirror and try pick up lines?"

"We haven't graduated to pick up lines yet. Trust me, you're nowhere near that level. Literally do nothing, just think what I've said over. That wasn't even the introductory session, and you've got a lot to learn. Go out and buy my things. It'll give you some time to mull things over." With that, Selena laid down and closed her eyes, her chest slowly rising and falling from the ball that was her curled up body.

"Well, gee, thanks for the pep talk." Marcus scoffed at himself. Was he really being coached by a talking cat right now? He didn't know what would've been worse at this point, this, or Twilight. Ah well. At least past the condescension and bluntness, she was actually reasonably pleasant to be around. Well, if you ignored the very obvious weird factor.

Marcus considered going over what she said again, asking more questions, but she looked as if she was completely clonked out. Apparently, cats could go out like a fucking light.

Having nothing else to do, and not really wanting to lounge around the house with what felt like another person sleeping in it, Marcus headed out to buy what he needed. Supplies first, collar after. Here's hoping he'd get something more than lazy advice for his donkey work.

Selena cracked an eye open as soon as she heard the door shut. Silly, hopeless human. She'd fix him!

She hopped down from the sofa, slinking around the house and quickly locating the back door. Cat flap was down, eh? No one contains this kitty. Doop de doop, she pushed it up with her maw, ignoring the tickle of her whiskers against its surface. Once it was properly propped up, she slipped outside, leaving the house behind.

Selena took the backroads and the gardens, the alleys and the fields, knowing that Marcus would be going the other way. Honestly, she had to do everything for him. Good thing she always had a master plan ready to go.

...okay, maybe not a master plan, but she could improvise just fine! On her way through the gardens, she was distracted by a patch of grass that the sun hit perfectly through the midday clouds, and had to stop herself from laying there and falling asleep. Sleep later, be a good pet now.

Her plan was simple. Go and be an asset to silly Marcus, acquire ear scratches and good food as a reward. Oh, ear scratches were divine, but not as good as belly rubs!

...she was getting distracted again. Selena sighed, pouting, as she realised that she couldn't just lay around and bask in the sun for the next hour. She actually had to be fast if she wanted to accomplish her goals. Her usual, lackadaisical saunter was replaced by a faster walk as she climbed and leapt over fences, using her natural sense of direction to bring herself further into town. It wasn't long until she spotted the Carousel Boutique in the distance.

That was owned by Rarity, one of Fluttershy's friends. She remembered hearing them talk over at Fluttershy's cottage a couple of days ago. She mentioned another cat, Opalescence. Female cats annoyed the heck out of Selena, but she'd cope for silly Marcus' sake.

Perched on a bench overlooking the boutique, she watched as customers came and went, entering and exiting the shop. She knew she'd have to be fast if she wanted to get inside, but for Selena, that was no real problem. She waited until a middle-aged mare was carrying a large assortment of bags out of the place, Rarity helping her with magic, and chose that moment to strike. Silently, like a fuzzy recon scout, she ran past the pair of them, entering the boutique and making a dash for the backroom. The door was open, thankfully, and she found herself in the midst of a large mess of fabrics and sewing equipment. An orderly mess, she supposed, but a mess all the same.

It was the mark of a creative, but that was no groundbreaking piece of information. Selena kept an ear out for the other cat, but heard nothing as of yet. Rarity had no clue she was here, so Selena took this grace period to search all around the house, deducing whatever she could about the mare. At the very least, she'd be able to see whether or not she was single.

The double bed looking like it was only used by one was a good sign, if how many pillows were laid out was any indication. Another room seemed to belong to a younger pony, but Selena doubted there was anything of interest there. Instead, she chose to go through the open door to the bedroom. Snoop, snoop, snoop. Wow, this pony has a lot of lingerie. Pushing the nightstand drawer open with her snout, Selena grinned as she realised what she'd just found. It was some kind of diary or journal. Right as she was about to start pawing at it, Selena heard a screech to her side, and with her fur standing on end, batted the drawer shut and leapt onto the bed.

There at the door, there was one of the most ugly and posh cats Selena could've imagined. What a fucking noise it made, too. It continued to make angry noises at her, and before long, Selena could hear the thump of hooves travelling up the stairs, accompanied with a lightly accented, refined voice.

"Opal, dear, whatever is the matter? Please don't tell me it's another fur ball, they're such a pain to get out of the carpet..."

Words like 'fur ball' were like PTSD triggers to Selena, but she managed to ignore it. She jumped off the bed, putting on her cutest and most innocent face as Rarity arrived, being sure to be the centre of attention.

"Honestly, you'd think you ate nothing but your own coat at the rate you cough them up, I'll have to take you to be looked at—ah!" Rarity exclaimed as she finally stepped through the opening and spotted Selena. "You're new! Whatever are you doing here, Miss Tabby?"

Selena flinched back a little, acting surprised, and looking as if she would bolt at any given moment. Of course, she wasn't worried about Rarity in the slightest.

"Oh, you poor dear! I won't harm you, I'd never even think of it. How about I put you out a bowl of water, and we can find out where you've wandered off from? Would you like that?"

She really was quite beautiful, and friendly to boot. Plus, she obviously liked cats. This was a good start, even if she'd missed out on the jackpot, which still sat in that drawer. Selena licked at her paw, trying to look more relaxed, ignoring the other cat's incessant yowling.

"Well, that's sorted, then!" Rarity stepped closer, and Selena let her, and soon enough, she was being picked up in magic and placed on the bed. Magic always felt tingly and strange to Selena. Part of her preferred having the big human pick her up, even if it was a bit high. Hopefully, silly Marcus would never drop her. "Hmm, no collar... I wonder where you came from?" For a few moments, she was quiet, and then, she seemed to have a spark of memory. "Aha! Could it be that you were one of the poor strays Fluttershy rescued recently? We'll have to check with her later, won't we?"

Why were ponies so insistent on asking animals questions as if they expected them to turn around and give eloquent and well-reasoned answers? Well, suppose Selena was the exception in this case, but even so, it was hardly as if Rarity knew, or that excused the fact. Silly humans. Silly Rarity.

She was smart enough to realise where Selena might have been from, at least. That told her a little. The love of animals and the generous nature, taking her in and finding her home instead of throwing her out, these were all good signs.

And, of course, the cherry on top would be when Marcus arrived, so long as he managed to handle things properly.

Selena tried her best to keep on learning about Rarity as she went about her day, but whilst there was plenty of behaviour to analyse, a lot of it seemed to keep pointing in the same direction. She appreciated well mannered ponies, she herself was the same, and she seemed to enjoy helping and spoiling others.

That, and she was a non-stop gossip. Selena had heard her discussing the latest rumours and scandals with at least half of her customers over the course of the day, and there was always a little hint of mischievous joy in her eyes as she uncovered a particularly juicy morsel of information. Not as scrumptious as the lamb bites Selena was thinking about, but pretty damn close.

It wasn't especially long until the door finally opened revealing a tall figure, and Selena knew it was time to finally put the last phase into play. She ran out in front of Marcus, and before he could say a word, gave him a look that expressly said 'roll with it'. No clue if he picked up on it or not, because he was very silly, but she followed it by beginning to rub her head against his leg hard and playfully bat at his leg.

"Oh, are you the owner?" Rarity blink-gasped, rushing over. "I'd be surprised if you aren't, she seems to like you an awful lot... A bit of an adventurous kitten, no?"

"O-oh, yeah, right..." Marcus bit his lip, and Selena quickly glared at him if only to remind him not to bloody stammer. He cleared his throat, feigning a cough. "Ahem, right... I was actually here to buy her a collar. I know how much she likes to wander," he glared daggers at Selena then, as if to ask what the hell she was doing, "and I thought it'd be better to be safe than sorry, you know?"

"Oh, of course!" Rarity smiled, her eyes sparkling brilliantly. "She is simply darling, I'm sure that no matter how safe she usually is, you wouldn't want to take any precaution. Opal seemed to like her, she usually hisses at things she likes. Odd, I know..."

Selena tilted her head at that, wondering if Rarity just didn't understand the first things about animals or if that cat really was a demon. No way, Angel was supposed to be the unnatural one. Were all the pets weird around here?

"Opal?" Marcus asked, picking up Selena as he did, though he hardly seemed to be paying attention to his actions. That was good, focus on her. Maintain eye contact for a few seconds, and then smile. Don't stare like a serial killer.

"Why, yes, my own precious little kitty! They seemed to be getting on so well earlier—" was she delerious? "—I do wonder if Opal's been needing some feline companionship lately..." Rarity's eyes lingered on Marcus for a moment, she was obviously checking him out. Cat power really was worth bragging about. "Don't suppose you'd be willing to come back with her once I've made her collar, assuming you still want one? It'd be nice to set Opal up on a little playdate."

Selena's eyes became pinpricks. As much as she hated the idea of spending any time with that thing, she'd do it for this idiot. Just take her up on it. Stop hesitating and freaking take her up on it.

"You know, that actually doesn't sound like a bad idea. I might just see about that, yeah." Marcus smiled at her, and it looked genuine. It actually looked kinda cute when he smiled. But now Selena was pissed because he hadn't consulted her before agreeing. Apparently, she could never be happy. "Anyways, maybe while they're playing, we could—youch!"

Selena dug her claws in deep enough to his for him to feel it that time. She wished she could just say it aloud, but she hoped that'd at least be enough of an indication to let her lead, not him.

"Ooh, are you okay, dear? I know that can be painful, Opal does it me all too often..." Rarity blinked innocently, taking a step forwards and fluttering her lashes. "Perhaps you'd like me to look at it for you?"

Oh, hell yeah, he was about to have it in the bag. Best wingcat ever.

Marcus did something unexpected then, though in retrospect, Selena realised it was completely expected. He clammed up at the idea of showing Rarity his chest at any way, beginning to stammer again and undoing half of his progress. "I-I'm sorry, I really should get going, early start tomorrow—"

"It's two in the afternoon?"

"—and lots of stuff to do!" he was sweating by now. Selena could feel it against her coat. Ew. "I should just get out of your mane, but we'll see about that date—I mean playdate. O-oh yeah, bits!" he manically shoved an overly large bag of bits in Rarity's hooves before she had time to protest. "Think that's enough, keep the change! Should go now. Throat's clamming up... see ya!"

Selena only had time to catch Rarity's face as she blinked in shock before Marcus closed the door behind both of them and began rushing down the street home.

For fuck's sake, and it was going so well, too. Silly Marcus. She'd fix this, but it was gonna cost him his weight in lamb.