Stealing Her Laboured Breaths

I woke up the next morning feeling less amazing than I did before. I was alone in my bed. Alone didn't bode me well, as much as it did other ponies. House was attractive, neat, organised. A definite bachelor's pad, but it fitted my lifestyle. Just a shame it was always as empty as me.

I showered, got out, checked myself in the mirror. Still attractive, yes, but not that godly beacon of desirability that I'd been the day previous. There were subtle differences. My coat wasn't as fluffy, and my eyes didn't carry the same sheen. They were lacking a little of their life.

And I wasn't a creature of boundless energy anymore. I was a pony. I still felt stronger than usual, better than usual, but compared to the high yesterday had been, there was a significant difference. I took my time getting dry and ready; I didn't have to be anywhere for a little while. I'd had time to go over my actions yesterday. To regret them, to be excited for what today would bring, to feel terrible for getting excited in the first place... there were still many unanswered questions in my mind, and they were plaguing me.

I checked my mail, and found amongst the bills and other usual suspects a letter written in hoof. I threw it on a small pile with the others. I knew who it was, a pony named Fleur that I'd bedded in Canterlot a couple of months prior. I'd been rather drunk when we got together, gave her my home address and promised to keep in touch. Of course, I couldn't make good on that promise. I was only thankful that she'd never tried travelling down here and finding out why I didn't return her letters. Perhaps she was worried she'd find me with a wife and a family.

No. That'd be too simple. If I was something as simple and easy as a cheater, I'd be happy. That sounds horrible, I'm sure, but it'd be a million times better than the reality of my situation. I couldn't cheat. Mainly because I couldn't be in a relationship. I couldn't be in a relationship because I couldn't stay with a single pony, and finding others to so crudely fuck just so I could breathe for another week was as draining as it was invigorating in the aftermath.

But I convinced myself that I liked it as best I could. Who wouldn't, after all? I was the object of almost any mare's desire if I wanted to be, and I could pull most of them into bed and give them the best night of their lives. Yeah, maybe they'd wonder why they were feeling so tired for a few days after, find themselves weaker than usual for a while, but I'd feel all the better for it. Who wouldn't want a life like mine, an attractive single man that can go and get a new bit of tail whenever he wants?

I wouldn't. I'd give anything to be rid of this burden.

I needed to burn up those letters. The pile of hoofwritten notes was only making me think about my situation more. It wasn't Fleur, poor Fleur. There was nothing wrong with her, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't interested. I didn't want her. Attractive, sure, and a decent lay, but beyond the superficial, there had been nothing between us. She'd been a meal. It was horrible and objectifying to say, but it was the truth of the matter. Fucking these mares was a necessity for me, and they'd never understand that, so they'd just keep wondering why I didn't come back.

I didn't come back because I knew the alternative.

There was something I needed to do, I knew. It was something I could quite easily do before meeting Twilight, too. I had the time. Still, I hesitated. I couldn't help it. It was going to be difficult, whenever I found the courage to. I'd been thinking about it non-stop for weeks, but yesterday had only made it worse. If I didn't get to it soon, I'd never forgive myself.

I left the house, and walked in the opposite direction of where I needed to go. I was a coward. I walked to a nearby park and sat on a bench. I smoked a cigarette. I watched ducks swim in the pond. I watched pegasi fly in the skies overhead, some ferrying snow clouds. Foals watched me with a barely masked curiosity, probably impressed by my suit or curious about my cigarette. Not many ponies smoked in public, so it must have been an oddity to them.

When I was a human—when I was Justin—I'd always been aware that smoking would damage my health. Here, there was only one thing that could, and that was withdrawal. Starvation. I'd live as long as I was fed, no matter how many packs I smoked, how much I drank, how long I lived. Hell, I imagined I could pour acid down my throat and still be kicking afterwards. It'd hurt like a bitch, though.

Smoke wafted in the air, sunlight stabbing through it and painting a hanging mural of translucent dissipation. I enjoyed the slight burn in my throat, in my chest. It was nice to feel some warmth.

But none of it staved off the thing that really heated me up. It had only been a day, and I was already beginning to grow hungry. Usually, it'd be at least two before my stomach began to growl, three before I'd really feel it, but today? Today, I'd decided I needed it more than usual, it seemed. It was like me to eat like a king one day and then feel famished the next, but this was too much. Was it Twilight, again? Was she the reason I was feeling like this?

I couldn't sleep with her. I wanted to, of course. I really, really wanted to, but it would throw things too far into the shit for me to recover them. I had to make this the only time I saw her. It'd be a simple meeting, hopefully. We'd talk for a little while, I'd make an effort to be a boring fuck, and she wouldn't be interested in seeing me again. Sounded good on paper, but I doubted I'd actually manage to pull through. My willpower had been rapidly waning recently, and I'd only proven that to myself yesterday.

I growled at the sun. At the clouds. At the animals and the birds and the ponies and the snow and everything else in the park. I was tired of all of it.

I got up and left without another thought. I needed to go and see Twilight, after all. I might have been running a little early, didn't care. Maybe if I turned up all presumptuous, she'd like me a little less. I could do to give her reasons not to want my company. I had to be careful with this. Couldn't alienate her too much, she was a princess. Couldn't let her like me more either. There was some delicate balance I had to strike, a fine line I had to walk to keep her from seeing me as anything other than the random stallion that gave her a hoof with something that had been stressing her immensely one time.

How in the fuck did I pull that off without ingratiating myself to her? It was an impossible task. It didn't matter how I swung it, what I imagined doing to bore or irritate her, she was still going to be grateful. Of course she was. And honestly, I wanted her to be.

The walk was short and pleasant, and that made me dislike it more. Something had gotten into my mind, told me that I wasn't allowed to enjoy today. That enjoying today would only make me more likely to make another stupid decision. Last night had been a one off, a fluke. A pony had managed to break through my barrier, and that had led to me deciding to do something stupid. I was stuck doing that stupid thing. It didn't mean I had to then go and do more stupid things.

I wanted more time to call myself stupid, to think of an excuse to get out of this, but it was no time at all until a large wooden door was in front of me. I knocked with a hoof, wiping away the bit of snow I got on the door, and waiting to see her beautiful face again, hoping I'd somehow find it repulsive or uninteresting this time.

It wasn't her face that waited on the other side of the door. It was a unicorn, one I didn't recognise, light pink fur and a purple mane with aqua streaks running through it. Eyes were almost crystalline with an amethyst colouration. She gave me a confused look, head tilting. "Uh... hello? What can I help you with?"

I forced a smile, stepping back a little. "Heh, sorry, I was looking for Princess Twilight. I don't... have the wrong castle, do I?"

She snickered at that. Humour worked on most ponies well enough. "Sorry, she's out at the moment. Said she'd be back in a little while, though. What's it about?"

"Oh, well, she explained to me she was having some difficulty preparing for her new teaching role yesterday, and—"

Starlight's eyes widened, and she gave me a knowing look. "Oh! You're the pony from the coffee shop, aren't you? Twilight told me all about you. Come in, come in. Take your boots off by the mat, if you could. Trying not to get snow all over the place. I'm Starlight, by the way."

"City Scraper. Pleased to meet you." I followed her inside as she told me to, taking off my boots one by one and placing them on a shoe rack. Strange to see one of those by the front door of a castle, but I supposed it made sense. "So... did she say where she was going?"

Starlight seemed to be distracted. She was staring right at me, but she barely seemed to be paying any attention to my words. Was she checking me out? I couldn't really tell, but her eyes were definitely lingering on me somewhat. After a couple of seconds delay, she seemed to realise what I'd said. "Yeah... yeah, she did. She's up at the hospital right now."

I felt a flash of concern, and my face must've shown it. Why? I hardly knew this pony, royalty or not. "Is she alright?" I asked, a little hurriedly. I hadn't even touched her yesterday, let alone fucked her, but paranoia and me made wonderful bedfellows. About the only thing I could safely lay with.

Again, Starlight seemed distracted. She was definitely checking me out. "Yeah! Yeah, she's fine." Starlight frowned, finally looking me in the eye. "Well, depends what you can call fine. She was called up there to check on Cheerilee. Sounds like she's taken a turn for the worse overnight."

My heart started pumping faster. I couldn't help it. "How bad is she? Do they know?"

"I don't think they have any clue what's wrong with her, honestly..." Starlight hung her head. "They've ran a thousand tests on her, according to Twilight, but her symptoms don't match properly with any of them. Even Twilight wasn't able to figure out if it was some kind of magical issue, and she knows more about magic than any other pony I know. Well, except maybe Starswirl."

It was basically common knowledge by now that the Pillars of Equestria had been brought back, so I didn't look at her as if she was a lunatic. That said, what she said hardly reassured me in any other way. "Sounds like a horrible state to be in... I hope Twilight's all right." I had to be careful with this, so I faltered on asking whether it would be good for me to come back another time instead. As much as I shouldn’t have, I wanted to be there for Twilight when she got back, to make sure she was okay. I didn't think I could bring myself to go to the hospital right now, either. "Are you sure you're alright with me waiting for her to get back?"

Starlight nodded rather hurriedly. I wondered just how strong my presence was on her right then, whether any of my natural allure was beginning to take hold of her. Of course it was. I was still emanating that inner beauty. I was a Venus flytrap, and she was an unwitting insect desperate to take a sniff. It was almost cruel. "I was just about to make lunch, actually. Have you eaten?"

Oh, wonderful. Food. Just what I didn't need right now. "Sounds great! I wouldn't want to impose, though... are you absolutely sure that'd be alright?"

"Of course!" Starlight nodded, seeming almost too excited by the prospect. "I'm always happy for a bit of company, especially when my marefriend is away on tour."

Oh, Christ, she's with someone too? I had to be doubly careful not to give off the wrong signals. It made me glad, though. Meant there was a much smaller chance of her falling for me instead. I felt her eyes linger on my side as I walked, move with my body. Well, at least a mite smaller. "I actually ate before I came over," I lied, looking her in the eye as I said so. "I could probably go for a bit more food though, I'm sure."

"Well, don't feel pressured!" Starlight smiled, giving me an opening to take two bites and feign fullness. Pony food didn't agree with my stomach. No food did. I could eat it, sure, but I didn't enjoy the taste anymore, didn't find that it even touched on my hunger. If anything, it made me want a proper meal even more. "I was going to make pancakes, so I can keep your stack small."

There was the matter of machismo, of course, the idea that a guy should always have a meal the same size as the girl’s, or larger, and I had to keep that in mind as we entered the large, full kitchen. There were utensils and cupboards all around the room, modern and sleek, and a mountain of neatly organised produce and canned and boxed goods sat on the counter top. Truthfully, the ponies in this castle were never running out of things to eat. I was a little jealous of that.

Starlight had a pleasant sway to her hips as she walked over to the stove top, grabbing a frying pan and beginning to pour oil onto it as her magic twisted the dials and turned the heat up. She didn’t waste time, pouring pancake batter over the pan as soon as the hob was hot enough and beginning to make fresh pancakes, one at a time. “So,” she said with a flick of her tail, looking back at me as her magic took care of the first pancake, “are you a local, or?..”

Small talk. Her eyes were curious, though. She wanted to know more about me, she wasn’t just doing this to pass the time. I had to be careful. “Moved to Ponyville a few years ago. I’ve lived all around Equestria, actually. Pays to be on the move.”

Starlight gave me a nod, and I could sense a vague understanding in her eyes. Maybe she thought that she empathised. “Why is that?” she pressed. Apparently, she thought she could skip the pleasantries and go straight for the important questions. I admired her forwardness, as disarming as I found it. “Why not just settle down in one place? Something stopping you?”

More than she’d ever be able to imagine. “It’s the nature of my work,” I lied, as I so often did. “I needed to be somewhere central in order to correspond with the various companies I’m working for at the moment, but in the past, I had to be in other places. Cities, towns... you name it, I’ve probably lived there at some point.” It was important not to be specific. I liked to keep my answers as broad as I could. Specification led to a pony feeling like they knew me. I didn’t want Starlight to know me.

I wanted Twilight to.

Starlight flipped the pancake with her magic. She didn’t even look at it, and she pulled it off perfectly. Grinned a little as it landed, too. She was good, and she knew it. “I had a fair bit of wanderlust when I was younger, you know…” she was fiddling with the strands of her mane, twirling them with one of her forehooves. Her voice was laid thicker than usual. I could already feel her beginning to drop her guard, acting more playful around me. “Have you ever just wanted to get away, City Scraper? See the world?”

“Is that what your marefriend does when she’s on tour?” That’s it. Keep things on track. Remind her that she has a partner already, and take away any willingness she might’ve had to flirt. Starlight might’ve been good looking, she might’ve been impressive, and in some ways, captivating, but she wasn’t who I was here to see today.

If anything, mentioning that only seemed to make Starlight scowl. It wasn’t the response I’d wanted or expected, not the dreamy sigh of missing her or the sudden wide eyes upon realising just how she’d been looking at me. No, there was vitriol in her expression, and she looked poised to strike. “Hmph, guess she does. She’s lucky to get out so much. Ponies adore her, too, so she’s always having a great time.”

Starlight actually turned back to her pancakes now, took her eyes off me. I noticed the flick of her tail, irritated. I found myself more curious than I should’ve been, and undid my progress with a few words. “Sounds like you’re jealous to me. You want to be out there with her, I’ll bet.”

“I don’t, actually,” Starlight responded on a whim, then paused, voice catching. She backed up, shaking her head, changing her tune. “I-I mean, it sounds lovely, but…”

“Don’t worry about it,” I smiled, waving away her concern. She was looking back to me wondering what to say, how to explain, but I could see clear as day that there was something there beneath the surface, some issue between the two of them. She didn’t need to tell it to me, it was obvious from the moment I’d brought her up.

The sound of frying pancakes filled the silence that followed. Starlight kept stealing glances at me, but the whole conversation about her marefriend, it seemed to have robbed the lively airs from the room. I wasn’t necessarily complaining, made the meeting easier to get through, but by the same token, I didn’t want one of Twilight’s friends feeling uneasy or uncomfortable. Guess my care for her was extending to them, too. How odd.

So I tried to cheer her up somehow. “Hey, mind if I have a go at that?” I asked, gesturing to the frying pan just as she’d levitated the fourth pancake onto the pile.

It served as a good distraction, and Starlight nodded. “Sure! Feel free, let me know if you need any help.”

That was a challenge. I was going to take her mind off things, and that meant impressing her. With my magic, I pulled out a second frying pan and started pouring batter onto both at the same time. I was good with my magic when I was well fed, good enough to hold four things at once with complete ease, and Starlight looked rather impressed at my display, pushing the batter mix to the side and beginning to fry the both of them at once.

“Huh, you’re not bad at that…” Starlight was a little closer to me than before, not enough that I could feel her body’s heat against mine, but almost. I felt a swell of pride at the compliment. I couldn’t help that.

And it made me want to show off more. So I began flipping them. Not small, controlled flicks of the pan like Starlight had been doing, but long, arching movements that sent the pancakes so high they were almost touching the ceiling, but not so much that they’d get stuck to it. I balanced the fine line between showing off and fucking up exceptionally well, even transitioning the two pancakes between different pans midair, and once I was finished cooking them both golden brown, I pushed them onto a plate and began to spread each of them with chocolate and cut up banana. I placed a little sugar on mine, not wishing to try and stomach all of that, then pushed the plates onto the table.

And Starlight was staring at me. It was as if I had just pulled off some amazing feat, something magical that she’d only been able to dream of previously, and I… I watched as she sauntered over to me with a grin, held out her hoof for a high five, or whatever Equestrians called it, and the moment the two of us made contact, I could feel it. She was moving into me. She was getting closer with every second, and suddenly, the steaming pancakes on the table didn’t matter. No, the food was inconsequential, everything that preceded this moment was.

It didn’t matter how we’d gotten here, what we’d done, or what had broken down the barrier—her body language was telling me something very important in that moment. She was impressed by me. She was attracted to me. She had an issue with her marefriend for whatever reason—I didn’t care right then—and she’d found something in me that she could use to fill that hole. I could feel a serious temptation to gnaw on her want gripping me, I couldn’t chase it away. How could I?

She was so sexy, so doe-eyed and wanting that it was easy to forget the moments proceeding, whatever they might have entailed. It was effortless, forgetting why I was even here, what I was meant to be doing, what I wasn’t meant to be doing, because I was so caught up in my impulsive, incessant desire, that I could have taken her right there at a moment’s notice, and I fucking knew it.

And she would’ve let me, too. She would proposition me soon, I could feel it. And of course she would! There was no faith in lust! No thought of what might happen after, who might get hurt, or what a mistake it might be, there was only the electricity of the moment, the heat of two bodies against one another, the willingness to give in to a carnal pleasure so old and powerful that it transcended time, one that breathed life into us, that kept me breathing.

Her lips were pushing open, I could see her tongue poking out. She was drawing closer to me. It was only a matter of time before she kissed me, and why shouldn’t she? She’d be doing herself a favour, subjecting herself to one of the most amazing times she could possibly experience, and I’d only benefit from it… what was there to lose? Why didn’t I just bend her over the table and get us started already?

And then, she hesitated. She flinched. I blinked heavily, wondering if she’d still look conflicted when I opened my eyes. She did. I didn’t know what that meant. I’d never experienced that. Did she love her marefriend too much to be unfaithful, even though she clearly wanted me? Did it matter so much to her that she wouldn’t enjoy herself here and now, despite her base urges?

She was right, this was wrong. I didn’t want her. She shouldn’t have wanted me. I was thinking with my stomach again, and I fucking shouldn’t have been. There was no reason the two of us should be close, that I should be even entertaining the thought of this. I stepped back. She breathed a shallow breath. I didn’t know if it was relief or regret. I didn’t understand it.

It was only then that I realised what had made us hesitate. There were hoofsteps drawing closer to the room. Twilight. Had we heard that and decided this was a bad idea, that her feelings would be hurt if she walked in on the two of us going at it like animals?

No. I told myself we did it because it was right. That we didn’t hear it until afterwards, and wouldn’t have done it anyway, even if we’d heard nothing. I told myself that ponies could be loyal and loving, that I could be. It was the only way I could bring myself to face Twilight when she walked into the room. For some reason, my bravado, my instinct to forgo morality and act as I pleased, it died around her.

Instead, I only felt happy. That and protective. I wanted to keep her safe.

And in she walked with bags under her eyes, hair all frazzled, a grump on her face that lifted into a pleasant smile the moment she saw me. She was the most adorable mess I’d ever seen.