Stealing Her Laboured Breaths

Starlight had rushed her hellos and goodbyes and taken her pancakes to her room. Likely feeling embarrassed, guilty, though Twilight was none the wiser. It was my secret to keep, and I’d carry it whether I wanted to or not. When Twilight sat down, I slid my portion of pancakes over to her. “Here. Looks like you need them more than I do.”

She had a smile about her akin to being offered the last drop of water in a desert. “Are you sure?” she asked, sweet as the syrup I was pouring over her stack as we spoke. “They’re yours though, aren’t they?”

“I already ate my share,” I said, taking a seat across the table from her. For a few moments, I simply basked in her presence. She was radiant, even when she’d been dulled by the horrible events surrounding her. It was spectacular, honestly. She drove a fork into the pancakes, stabbing and rending a piece which she floated up to her lips and daintily bit on. I snickered. I knew she was trying to put on manners for my benefit. “If you’re hungry, eat properly.”

All of a sudden, she was ravenous, as if she’d just been told that every bite was worth a million bits. Hell, she might’ve been more hungry than I was. That was another side to her, one that forgot decorum and manners, and she tapped into it at a word. I wouldn’t mind seeing more of this Twilight.

I sat and watched as she wolfed down her meal. I tried not to seem as if I was staring, but honestly, it was hard not to. Twilight was the centre of the room, my eyes’ natural focal point, without even trying to be. There was something mystifying about her even as she ate, determined to rush her way through her food. Was she truly that desperate to eat, or was she only looking to waste as little of my time as possible?

I got up to make her a glass of water, figuring she’d need it to stop herself from getting the hiccups at this rate. She finished off her meal with a large gulp of the drink, taking a breath that sounded akin to that of a scuba diver submerging, and smiled at me. “Thank you. Thank you so much. I’ve not eaten anything since yesterday evening, unless you count an oat bar in the hospital cafeteria.”

Her frazzled mane and tired eyes suddenly made a lot more sense. “How long have you been over there?”

“Since late last night, or the early hours of the morning,” Twilight recounted, blinking slowly. “I was finding it difficult to sleep, so I figured I’d hop over there just to see how Cheerilee was doing. And…”

“And things got worse,” I finished for her, placing a hoof on hers and giving her a short rub. It was platonic, reassuring. I didn’t even think before doing it, but by god, was that the warmth that I’d been searching for my entire life? I knew it was different as soon as I felt it, different from the heat of a coffee or the throat-searing burn of a cigarette—this was something different entirely. “Starlight told me there was a deterioration… I’m really sorry, Twilight.”

And I was. Truly.

Twilight stirred beneath me. She reacted to my touch, turned her hoof so the base of it pressed against mine. She was happy for the comfort, for the reassurance and the few kind words I could offer. They dammed the welling tears in her eyes. “It’s not your fault, so don’t apologise…” she sniffled, blinked away her tears in a quick flutter of eyelids. Being strong mattered to her. “Thank you, City Scraper. You didn’t have to offer to come here, to help me with any of this…” She pushed her hoof harder against mine, wanting to reinforce the contact, make sure it was real.

I could understand the feeling; I was doing the exact same thing. We broke contact eventually, I’m not entirely sure who severed it. It was blissfully painful, being vulnerable. “Do you still want to look over the curriculum today?” I wanted to get the conversation back on track as much as I didn’t. Staying in this moment… it was dangerous, like flirting with death. “I understand if you’re too tired, or if you’d rather wait a little longer.”

“I haven’t really got time to wait…” Twilight hesitated. I could tell that she wanted to drop at this point already, that she was exhausted, but she carried on regardless. It was so admirable, I wanted to hold her hoof every step of the way. “I should carry on. I think it’s only right that I do.”

“You haven’t slept,” I said by impulse, concern etched in my face. “If you keep pushing yourself, you’re going to end up fatigued. You should take a break, worry about all of this later.”

“I can’t worry later!” Twilight answered with more force than I’d imagined possible from her. “Everypony is relying on me, and I’m not doing enough. if I stop now to rest, then my schedule will get all messed up, and I’ll be a disappointment!” She closed her eyes for a solid five seconds, rubbing at her temple, then shook it off. “I need to work. It’s the only thing I can do right now to be of any use—stay active.”

She was wrong. “If you carry on pushing yourself, you’re not going to be any good to anypony.”

She raised an eyebrow at that, almost looked slighted. “You think I can’t handle this?”

“I’m not saying that. I know you can’t.” Her expression only morphed to something more irritated with each word I said, whether at me or herself I wasn’t sure. “You’re an amazing pony, Twilight, I’m sure, but you can’t work on no sleep. If you carry on putting yourself under this much stress, then you’ll end up messing up something serious in the long run, and you’ll only blame yourself more.” I took a breath, motioning for her to do the same, and luckily, she copied my rhythm. My voice lowered in pitch, became calmer. “Stop for a moment. Relax, be still. Your work will still be here after a little rest, I promise. It isn’t going anywhere.”

“It isn’t that, City,” Twilight looked about a second away from burying her face in the table, but she resisted with whatever will she had left. “I don’t have much time. I need to be ready to teach that class in two days, or I’m gonna look unreliable, and the foals at the Ponyville Schoolhouse are going to fall behind. I don’t want to be responsible for their quality of education decreasing. Schooling is one of the most important things in a pony’s foalhood.”

“Let me work on the curriculum.” I smiled, running a hoof through my mane. “I’ll break it down and reorganise it so it’s really easy for you to pick up on. In the meantime, you can rest. By the time you’re awake, I’ll have it all fixed and ready for you. How does that sound?”

“...too good to be true,” Twilight admitted, though the dumb smile on her face said the opposite. “How can a pony like you be real? You’re too kind.”

Am I really? “I just want to be helpful,” I said as I brought the now empty plates to the sink and ran them under a tap. “If you give me all of the information you were given on the scheduling and classes, I can start sorting through it for you. Meanwhile, get some sleep. You really need it.” I didn’t want to see her all stressed and tired anymore. I wanted to see a healthy glow about her that I knew I could bring out if I only helped her. I had to see if she could somehow shine even brighter than she already did.

Somehow, that scarcely seemed possible, because the way she was beaming right now was enough to blind a man.

“I’m really, really grateful. I’m going to make this up to you soon,” Twilight stood, looking a little woozy, and I had to fight the urge to grab her and make sure she was balancing herself properly. “I’ve got all of the school documents sitting in my library. If we go there, there’s a few comfy chairs and sofas that you can work at, and I can rest at… Gosh, that makes me sound so lazy.”

I followed her lead, grinning at her needless self-deprecation. “Not lazy at all. Stop worrying about it. Just lead the way, Twilight.”

And she did. The castle really was as spacious on the inside as it looked from the exterior, if not more so, and I wondered as we walked just how Twilight managed to remember her way around. A lot practice, I imagined, but I liked to think she knew her way to the library better than anywhere else. Something a lot of ponies had always said about our local ruler was that she sure loved her books, even used to live in a library.

Twilight was walking rather slowly, more lurching through tiredness than moving with any grace, but that only made it more smile-inducing to watch. I’d let her have her rest and work hard for her. She deserved it more than anything.

When we arrived at the library, larger and more spacious than any I’d seen outside of Canterlot, she thanked me profusely again before finding a large sofa and curling up to ‘rest’, which was code for passing the hell out. I picked one of the smaller ones, one where I could watch the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she curled in on her hooves and wrapped her tail around herself, snout twitching now and again. She needed this sleep so badly, and I wondered how long she would’ve put it off if I hadn’t said anything.

I needed to stop staring at Twilight, to put her from my mind for a little while. If I truly wanted to help her, it was time to work.

I pulled out the stacks of papers, timetables, spreadsheets, looking through each of them and attempting to compile all of the important, relevant pieces of information. It’d been a good while since I’d taught, and the systems had definitely changed some in the interim. It took me a while, but I managed to decipher the differences and begin to put them out in simpler and easier to understand terms. I took a new sheet of paper and began writing down all of the most prevalent pieces of information in a clear and understandable manner.

It was hard work, but I was happy to do it. I ignored the slight fatigue I felt after I’d spent a straight hour at it, continuing in spite of it. Another half hour of silence besides the scribble of my pencil followed that, and then I saw stirring on the sofa. Twilight was waking up.

She blinked groggily a couple of times, and as soon as she saw me hard at it, her face lit up with a warm smile. She got up, coming over to my couch and sitting beside me, the two of us so close that we were almost touching.

“You’ve really been at this since I drifted off?” Twilight asked, sounding surprised, satisfied, and sorry all at once. “I can’t believe you’ve been so good to me. You’re amazing, City.”

I wished she knew my real name. This would feel more real that way. “No, Twilight, you’re the amazing one. It’s insane that you’ve taken all of this on. Equestria is lucky to have a princess like you.” I saw a shiver run through her, no surprise given the cold, and soon enough, her head was against my shoulder. I didn’t comment on it, figured she didn’t realise if only due to how tired she still was, but god did I wish that I could find the courage to hold her back.

That was silly. I’d touched so many mares before now. Held them. Had sex with them. But somehow, I didn’t have the confidence to simply embrace Twilight in turn. I felt like a child again, almost. Maybe this was what happened when you met someone that you truly valued each second with.

And it was making me more hungry by the second, but I pushed that urge right to the back of my mind. I didn’t want it encroaching on my paradise.

Twilight fell asleep on my withers as I continued to work. The slight motion of my body from leaning over and rearranging papers did not bother her in the least, nor the buzz of my horn as I brought them in front of my face to inspect more clearly. She slept through all of it, no surprise.

After another hour of solid work, I finally thought I might be done. At least, I’d done everything I could imagine would help, and any more would only be dressing it up. I placed the final paper down and leaned back in my seat, sighing in content.

And Twilight slipped down onto my chest. She could hear the beat of my heart, I was sure, even in her sleep. It was a riotous drum right now, thumping intensely-- simply due to our shared proximity. I didn’t want to get up, to leave, but I worried that if I stayed like this for too long, she’d awaken only to wonder what she was doing on top of me. I had to go, really. I’d already stayed here long enough, enjoyed myself way too much.

Twilight stirred the moment I tried to move her. Even though I used magic, despite being gentle, she still woke to the feeling of being moved off of me, looking at me with half-lidded, tired eyes.

“Youuu don’t have to go yet,” she said in a sleepy drawl, grabbing at me and putting a hoof around the back of my neck. “You were so good to me, and we didn’t get to spend any real time together… stay with me for a little while.”

It was a hard offer to refuse. Ridiculously so, but I knew that if I stayed here much longer, I wouldn’t be able to control myself properly. I was already having enough difficulty as it was. Twilight… I just couldn’t acclimate to her. I didn’t know how.

“I’ve got to go and do some work things, Twilight, but you should get a couple more hours rest.” I gently rubbed the back of her mane as I spoke. I shouldn’t have, but she didn’t mind. If anything, she drew closer to me. I was so terribly conflicted right then. “I’ve highlighted all of the important stuff and written it out as best I could, along with a bunch of pointers that I think will be useful. It’s still going to take some going over, but it’s well organised to ensure that it’s as easy on you as possible.”

“You’ve been way too good to me,” she repeated, and she was wrong. I should’ve been as good to everyone else before now and I knew it. Her mane was matted with sweat, fur warm and clinging to her body, gaze inviting as it stuck to me. Could it hurt to stay a little longer? “I’ll see you again tomorrow, won’t I?” She bit her lip, teeth clinging and pulling it back. “I might still need a little help…”

There wasn’t anything else I could do to make this easier for her, I knew, but she was likely equally aware. It was an excuse for us to see each other again. I took it without hesitation. “Of course we will. I’ve got a day off tomorrow, so I’m yours all day if you need me.”

“I’m yours too!” Twilight beamed, before blinking rapidly, eyes darting to the floor, her form shrinking in on itself a little. “I… I mean. Uhh, yeah.”

She was so fucking cute. How had I not kissed her already? There were only inches separating us, we were basically holding one another, and yet. I knew if I kissed her there was no turning back. This turned from an arguably platonic meeting to something entirely different in an easily skipped heartbeat. The sexual tension was so thick I was surprised we weren’t floating in it. I’d made my decision before I could realise there was any chance of refusing it. Or rather, it had made me.

I drew closer to Twilight. Eyes closed now, couldn’t back out if I wanted to. She could. I’d made the first move—even if she had with her voice, her eyes, her body language, I’d been the first to advance on her, and now it was her turn to reciprocate. I could only touch the invisible barrier between us, not move past it. It was her job to connect the two of us, to bring something unspoken but so clearly thought that it might as well have been audible to full, loving fruition.

And she did. She pushed her lips against mine. Brushed them, was a more accurate way of putting it. It was a small and soft action that echoed timidity, gentleness, care and thought, as if a single erratic or rushed motion could ruin this moment of perfectly cultivated spontaneity. Random attraction. Arbitrary electricity.

I could feel it in my veins, in my thoughts, in my blood, pumping a perfect circadian rhythm that pushed and pulsed and prodded all over; the skip of a beat, the rhythm of a restless ocean storm that had finally been quelled. Twilight’s sweet, cherry lips brought clarity, they carried placidity that hoisted the weight from off of my shoulders, even as she pushed her hooves down onto mine, climbing on top of me. Who would have thought that she was one to lead?

Well, I suppose that was her title coming into play. She pressed so close against me, and I didn’t care about the fact she was perspiring, that she was in clear need of a shower, that she kissed sloppily, like she’d not had much experience going even this far with a stallion. I wouldn’t have changed a single thing about this moment if I could’ve, not if someone paid me to.

Her mane was brushing over my eyes, it tickled and irritated me. I fought the urge to laugh at it. Her hooves were heavy against my forelegs, she was putting a lot of weight on me. I urged her to push harder. Her warmth was stifling against me, enveloping me completely. I think that was my favourite thing of all.

And there was nothing in the room but her. No sound, no sight, only the sensation of our sole shared moment of intimacy. Was she a princess, was she a mare from the coffee shop, or was she my saviour? All and the same? Questions, thoughts, urges, they all raced to the forefront of my mind and danced their discordant tango to the soft tune of gently smacking lips, of tongues being introduced and becoming gently acquainted, of solidarity and oneness being found between two souls that had spent longer than they could ever tell each other through words in search of this moment.

Or at least, that’s how I imagined it.

When Twilight finally pulled away, she was giggling. Laughing like she’d just been hit with gas under the dentist’s chair, like she’d just heard the funniest joke of her life, like she’d just felt the most overwhelming and impeccably splendorous feeling only to be told that it was indeed real, that she hadn’t dreamed it. I didn’t move my lips. They were lively and well-exercised after that small exchange, but I was too dumbfounded to bring myself to motion, to speech.

I didn’t know what that feeling was, the one that burned through me right now. There was arousal, definitely, but it was mixed with… something nebulous and gargantuan, as fearsome as it was inviting, a puddle I’d dipped my hoof into only to find that it was an oasis spanning depths I could barely fathom. I think I might have found something more than just ‘like’ in Twilight.

And it terrified me. And I loved it.

And at last, finally, the moment spent and the facsimile of courage having returned to me in at least a fraction, an exhale finally forced from my chest, I found myself able to speak in more than broken thoughts.

“So… I’m yours, am I?” I went with a tease. It was the easiest way to take the pressure off of me. Defence mechanisms, we all need them.

But she didn’t look embarrassed. No, she looked encouraged, relieved, like she too had just found something that she didn’t even realise she’d been looking for. “Maybe not yet,” she snickered, brushing her hoof over my chest. She rolled back off of me soon after, looking up at the ceiling and blowing the mane out of her eyes. “Hoo. That was something.”

“Sure was…” And I could still feel it passing through me, little aftertremors assaulting my nervous system, making me shudder.

Twilight cast her eyes down, then back up at me, her face sheepish. “Gee, I must look like such a mess right now. How did you kiss this?”

I answered that by kissing her again. “That’s how.”

I know that her worries and stresses were still there. That they were simply being pushed back by our brief reprieve, that they’d reawaken at some point down the line and she’d have to confront those demons once more. But maybe… could I be there for her when they did resurface? I wanted to kiss her again. And again. And again and again and again.

This was danger territory. Red flags. I should get out now. Get out while I’ve still got my faculties. I wasn’t lucid around this mare—my brain was a loving, horny, wanting, giving, confused, elated, captivated, mesmerised, wholly broken bucket of mush. I could take everything she had to give me right then and not feel a moment of regret.

“I need to leave. I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise.” It was sudden. It was swift. It left no time for goodbyes, they were rushed. I was up and out before Twilight could even have the mystification hit her fully, before she could even question what had me spooked. That was good. She’d think something had come up that I’d forgotten, or that I was simply scared of intimacy.

She’d be right on both counts. Something had come up, me. And scared? I was a tremulous, erratic mess, and that was only owing to the fact that it was intimacy with her. I couldn’t get close to Twilight. You already are. I couldn’t hurt Twilight. You know you’re going to. I felt as if I was about to starve. And you were about to take a bite out of her, weren’t you?

Fight against it. Push it into the back of my mind and hope that it goes away. It’s not going to.

That voice, it creeps up on me like a plague. Can’t be reasoned with or delayed, can’t be disarmed or coerced, only placated with the satiation of the same ugly, horrific desire and need that’s kept me kicking for as long as I have been. And now… now I have to go and find someone. I have to. Again. Ad fucking nauseum.

I’d already passed the point of disgust.

What would a pony as pure as Twilight ever think if she found out what I was? What I had to do? She was immortal though, wasn’t she? Maybe she could be my little siphon, maybe I could take from her like I do everyone else and she wouldn’t di—no. I can’t, and I won’t. That’s not happening, now or ever.

I needed a fuck. A filthy, mindless, senseless fuck. It’d clear my head, fill me up, purge these… odd feelings. Wasn’t right. None of it was right.

Except for her. She was flawless.

And if I thought I deserved her, had a chance being happy with her? I was out of my mind.