Growing Up Is Optional

Pain Education was Big Shot’s least favorite thing in the history of eternity aside from Diamond Tiara; he made no secret of that. However, he always found the sweat and toil of his construction job much more bearable. Getting to walk home a nice young mare like Apple Bloom every work day may have had a part in it, but he’d never say that out loud.

The scene was familiar, with the pair walking away with dirt in their coats mixed with sweat down the dirt roads of Ponyville. The autumn breeze cooled them off, though Celestia’s shining sun was as unrelenting as ever as they made their way back to their houses.

“Whew, never thought we’d get that job done in time,” Big Shot said, chuckling under his breath. “And after all those electric shocks I got from that faulty power line, I think my nerve endings won’t work right for a week. Can’t even feel my hooves.”

“Ah told ya that you shoulda let somepony else handle those cables, but nooo, you had ta do it yourself,” Apple Bloom teased with a roll of her eyes and a smile.

“Bah, I haven’t needed help with a fixer upper if I couldn’t do it myself. Plus, I like the smell of burned fur,” Big joked, remembering all those tiny, annoying, and extremely painful singes he received over the course of the day. Hopefully he could hide them from his parents when he got home.

Apple Bloom snickered. “Explains why ya hang out with that creep Lockheart. Ah can hear the bangs in his room from his magic practice all the way back at the farm sometimes.”

“Yeah, probably gonna have to get him a wig if he continues that. Nearly burned all the hair from his coat the last time he tried it at full power.” Big stopped in his tracks and fell into the pose of the thinker pony. “What I’m wondering is why he’s going so hard at it. He doesn’t normally give a damn about a spell he fails the first couple of times. Usually he’s busy in... other areas of his talent.”

“Hell if Ah know,” Apple Bloom said with a shrug, looking over her shoulder at him. “Ah try ta avoid Lockheart as much as possible. There’s just somethin’ about him that sends a shiver up my spine. No offense.”

“None taken. If this is about the incident last summer with all those broken apple trees and me breaking my leg, he’s been meaning to apologize for that. Plus, he had about a thousand splinters up his plot, so it was pretty funny.” Big smiled at the memory, his lung choking laughter at his friend’s plight. So many splinters and only one pair of tweezers.

Apple Bloom giggled up a storm. “Ah know Ah shouldn’t find it so funny, but yeah, seeing his plot look like a porcupine's back was just hysterical! But no, Ah’m mostly over that. My big sis ain’t, though; she’s still hoppin’ mad about all those wrecked trees.”

“Um, yeah,” Big said, gulping in fear. Applejack was not a mare to be trifled with, especially since it was rumored her buck could geld a stallion in one shot. Or that’s what her cheating ex coltfriend said. Even to that day he couldn’t walk or sit right. “You did happen to mention that I wasn’t responsible for those damages, didn’t you?”

“Don’t worry; Ah told her a long time ago that it was Lockheart’s boneheaded idea,” Apple Bloom assured with a pat on his back as she started trotting forward again. “She didn’t have any trouble believing it. That stallion’s sick in the head as well as everywhere else, y’know?”

“Well, he ain’t that bad,” Big mumbled, rubbing the back of his head in his usual nervous manner.

“Big, Ah know he’s your friend and all, but that guy has issues,” Apple Bloom said, looking at her friend worriedly. “Don’t you remember what he did ta Checkered Flag about two years ago?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Dated him, used him for sex, dumped him on the side of the road when he was done. Pretty much a cut and dry formula’s he’s perfected over the years for both genders. What’s the big deal?”

“Big deal? You mean you didn’t know?” Apple Bloom asked, her eyebrows shooting up and looking over Big Shot as if he’d just turned into a changeling. “Lockheart tried to strangle the life out of him after they broke up, just for starters. He didn’t tell you why he got suspended?”

“...he never really told me,” he confessed. “Said he got in a fight and wanted to drop the matter. And since I’m not really that into social circles, I never really got informed. B-but you must be exaggerating it. Lockheart might be a little off, but violent isn’t really his style.” But Big Shot was drawn to that memory of the first day of school the previous week. Of how he had that mad glint in his eyes when he threatened Diamond Tiara and her friends. Did he actually mean everything he said?

“You don’t know that colt very well, do ya?” she asked, cocking a brow. “Sweetie Belle saw the whole thing. Lockheart was too weak to kill the poor guy, but he sure as hay tried. Strangled him with his magic and kept hammering his skull with his hooves over and over. He’s just not right in the head, Big.”

“Well, I’ve beaten up tons of ponies. And I don’t see you calling me a crazy pony,” Big Shot pointed out, grasping at straws by then for excuses.

The farm pony sighed. “Okay, he’s your best friend, so ya don’t wanna think badly of him. Ah get that. But you’ve heard about that shrinkin’ spell he’s tryin’ to master, right? Just what the hay do you think he’s gonna do with it when he does, Big?”

“Why don’t you stay out of other ponies’ business, Bloom?” Big snapped back at the startled mare. “Like you’re so morally superior to him. You’re dating Sweetie Belle for fuck’s sake, and you don’t even have the guts to tell anypony else other than me! What does that say about yourself?”

Apple Bloom’s face fell, her ears flattening and her eyes downcast. “That Ah’m a coward... Ah know that Ah am. But what am Ah supposed to do?”

Big stared at the downcast mare as a frown tugged at his lips. He really needed to think first before he talked. “Ah fuck, Bloom, I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’m sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong. And I’m probably the last stallion to ask for relationship advice.”

“It’s fine,” she assured, though she certainly didn’t look like she was. “Ah know Ah should tell my family soon, but...” She sighed. “Ah really don’t wanna talk about it. Can we talk about somethin’ else?”

“S-sure,” Big Shot eagerly replied, glad to steer off course from the dangerous waters they were treading. “So, um, how are you liking school and your classes?” Big was mentally bucking himself for asking the lamest question ever a stallion could ask a mare.

“Likin’ ‘em well enough,” she said, relaxing at the change of subject. “Have one with Sweetie Belle and three with Scootaloo. Wish Ah had more with ‘em, but hay, we can’t always get what we want. Would kinda like to have one with you, too; you’re a pretty nice stallion to talk to.”

“Yeah, me too. How is Scootaloo doing, by the way?” Big asked with the discretion of a gambler bluffing with a smiling face.

“She’s doing just fine. Grades aren’t so swell, but Sweetie Belle is helping her out,” Apple Bloom said. “That pegasus just doesn’t have a head for math at all. Or history. Or science. Or anything besides sports, really.”

Big’s ears instantly perked up. “I can tutor her!” he yelled, shocking the mare beside him.

After getting over the initial shock, a small smile formed on her lips. “You seem awfully eager, Big. There somethin’ you wanna tell me?”

“Well, I’m just interested in helping my fellow students in need. Besides, I have all honor classes and perfect grades. Tutoring her will be a cinch,” he gloated. “After all, wouldn’t really be putting my special talent to use if I didn’t offer it to others every once in awhile,” Big said, pointing to the two gears grinding against each other on his flank.

“Ain’t your cutie mark mostly about your temper, Big?” she asked. “Ah mean, they are sparkin’ and all.”

“What? No, no, no, no, no, noooooo. It stands for my expert electrical skills and my amazing brain power,” Big Shot gloated, tapping his noggin.

Apple Bloom giggled with a knowing smile. “Alright, Ah got it. Sure thing. Ah’ll be sure to let Scootaloo know you wanna help her out. Sweetie’s a star student, but she’s not that great a teacher.”

“Don’t you worry, I’m great at teaching,” Big reassured her, his happy go lucky grin already wider than it had been in months. Finally, a chance for some personal time with Scootaloo. He could see it now. Him teaching her everything he knew, earning her good grades year round. Eventually she’d be so thankful she’d have to accept his offer at a date. And a couple of romantic evenings, boom batta bing, he gets laid. And boy how awesome would that be. Her sweaty, muscles tense and toned, endorphins rushing to every part of her body as she received the greatest pleasuring in her entire life.

“Big Shot, you’re drooling a bit there,” Apple Bloom snickered.

“W-well, I, um, I’m hungry is all. Yeah, starving,” Big said, rubbing his protruding belly. “Gotta eat something quick.”

“Well, the only edible things around are her and me, so who’s it gonna be, Big Plot?” a familiar voice snickered from a path to the side of them.

“Listen Lockheart, how many times do I- by Discord’s left nut sack! What happened to your horn?” Big cried in disgust, his face turning green.

The unicorn stallion’s horn looked like it had snapped in two, though the cut was far from clean and as jagged as a broken booze bottle. His face and mane were singed, little spots of dried blood flecked over his head.

“Just a little accident, is all,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hoof. “I was just trying a Want It Need It charm, and this happened.”

“Partner, you look like somepony tied several firecrackers to your horn,” Apple Bloom said, her own squeamishness plain.

“More like dynamite. Dude, we have to get you fixed up. I told you if you keep at that shrink spell you’re going to hurt yourself. And now you’re doing a Want It Need It charm? You’re going to get killed at this rate!”

“I was just going to go do that when I ran into you two lovebirds,” he teased, wearing that infuriating but familiar smug smile of his. “I figured this would be too much for the Heart sisters, so I was going to Twilight Sparkle’s library.”

“Well, I’ll come with you then. Got nothing better to do. You want to join up Apple Bloom?” Big Shot asked the mare, who was avoiding eye contact with the hideously disfigured Lockheart.

“U-um... sure thing,” she responded hesitantly.

“The more the merrier,” Lockheart chirped, practically prancing in the direction of the library without even looking back to see if they were following.

“How do you stand that colt?” Apple Bloom mumbled to Big Shot as she followed.

“When I’m older, hopefully with alcohol. For now, ignorance and generally getting used to him. Might take you longer though,” Big said, rolling his eyes at his friend’s antics.

“Don’t plan on sticking around long enough ta ‘get used’ to him,” she groused.

“That’s what they always say. Here’s a tip. Avoid talking about anything related to sex. He’ll never shut up after that,” Big explained.

Apple Bloom scoffed. “As if Ah’d ever wanna talk about sex with him. What he does in bed and who he does in bed is no business of mine.”

“He’ll make it your business one way or the other. Seen it happen way too many times to count,” Big replied absently, struggling to catch up with the rapidly departing unicorn.

“Do Ah want ta ask?” she asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“Okay, let me do the step by step process for you,” Big slowed down and began the list from the top of his head. “Firstly, if you hate him, he’ll do whatever it takes to make you fall head over hooves in love with him. Don’t know how he does it, and neither do I really care. Then after the initial dating process, he’ll have his way with you. Then when he’s finally bored, you’re dumped and that’s the end of it. This process can take a few days to a couple of weeks to achieve, but he always manages to pull it off for some strange reason.”

“Ya wouldn’t catch me dead in bed with him.” She shook her head. “How did you even get to be friends with a colt like him? You seem way too nice ta be hangin’ around the likes of him.”

Big’s earlier giddiness disappeared. “Not like I had much of a choice. He’s the only friend I have, really. Who else would want to hang out with me?”

“Ah wouldn’t mind myself,” Apple Bloom admitted. “Well, Ah wouldn’t mind spendin’ time with ya when Lockheart isn’t around.”

He bit back the reply that nearly escaped his lips, which was a great accomplishment on his part about actually thinking before talking. On why she really hanged out with him. Pity. He hated that word, that handout ponies offered him time and time again. When a random pony would sit with him at lunch so he wouldn’t be lonely. Or when someone volunteers to be his partner on a project because no one else chose him. He always told them to buzz off and go buck themselves. He’d rather live a hermit than be that little nobody someone sports around to make them feel better about themselves. The only reason he didn’t bad talk Apple Bloom about it was because they worked together, so it wasn’t the exact same situation like those other times. Lock was the only one who kept coming back to him, even with all the threats and verbal abuse he targeted toward him. And in a way, Big was grateful for that.

“Sure thing, Bloom...” Big said, sighing.

Apple Bloom frowned slightly. “Ya don’t seem too happy about that. Ah mean, does Lockheart mean so much to ya that you don’t want any other friends?”

Big Shot arched an eyebrow at the yellow mare. “Bloom, I’m big, fat, ugly, and socially awkward. If I could change any of that then of course I’d get more friends. But at the moment, I’m stuck with him, so I might as well as make the most of it.”

“Ah don’t think yer that ugly,” she said, her ears flattening. “Or at all, for that matter. Just need to lose some weight is all.”

Big Shot rolled his eyes at that comment. “Yeah, real easy for you to say. I’ve been chubby since kindergarden, Bloom. I’ve done dieting, not eating, and even working out. All that got me was a bunch of muscles under all this fat. Can’t even show it off. Fucking sucks.”

“Sorry,” Apple Bloom sighed. “Just tryin’ to cheer you up, is all. Ah know Lockheart probably doesn’t give a damn, but Ah really don’t like seein’ ya sad.”

“What’re you two whispering about?” Lockheart called back from quite a ways ahead of them. “Pick up the pace!”

“Why don’t ya shut your trap, asshole!” Big shouted back, quickening into a slow trot. “Sheesh, can you be anymore of a fucking nag?”

“I’ll answer that question with another question: Could your plot get anymore fat?” the unicorn called back with a snicker.

“Oh yeah, well, I’ll answer your question with another question: Can your face get anymore broken after I’ve pounded it?” Big called back, clearly struggling to keep with the unicorn’s pace.

Lockheart just burst out laughing as Apple Bloom looked between them in confusion. “Ah really don’t get you two,” she admitted. “You’re supposed ta be friends, right? So why do you insult each other all the time?”

“That’s the difference between stallions and mares,” Big explained. “You compliment each other when you really insult each other, while us stallions insult each other with being all sneaky about it. We’re more truthful about how we feel about one another if you get the gist.”

“So? My friends and Ah are all honest with each other about how we feel, and we don’t insult each other all the time,” she said. “We support each other, not call each other names and threaten to beat eachother up. That just ain’t what friends do.”

“Well, aren’t you technically not being honest with Scootaloo about you and Sweetie Belle’s relationship?” Big whispered in her ear. “Plus, the insults and threats are the best part of friendship! Am I right, Lock?” Big asked the unicorn.

“Nah, the best part is getting to look at your nice plot for free!” he teased with a flick of his tail and a grin.

Apple Bloom groaned and shook her head. “Ah will never understand you two.”

“That’s the point. Now, excuse me as I rip this idiot’s throat out and shove it up his ass.” Running at a gait closely resembling a train pulling out of the station, the huge stallion yelled a battle cry as he chased after the unicorn.

“Can’t catch me, I’m the motherfucking gingerbread mare!” Lockheart called behind him as he sprinted away, cackling like a hyena.

Apple Bloom just sighed and shook her head, galloping after the pair.