Growing Up Is Optional

“Oh Scootaloo, you have one fine, sexy plot there,” Big Shot whispered into the orange mare’s ear, nibbling it playfully.

“Big Shot, you’re the sexiest stallion alive. I just want to have endless sex with you and please you in every way possible,” she swooned, her cheeks red, much like the rest of her body.

“Slow down, Scoots, I’m a stallion, not a machine,” Big Shot replied, rubbing her toned plot with his hoof.

“You sure do fuck like one, big guy.” Scootaloo began to gently lick at Big Shot’s neck, slowly moving down his totally ripped abs. Near where his dick is, she cried, “Holy Celestia, it’s huge!”

“Yeah, I thought you’d like it,” Big Shot said.

“I don’t even know if I can fit it all in me.”

“Don’t worry baby, Big Shot is here to take care of you.” He grabbed her head and kissed her passionately, his tongue working with hers in a saliva riddled dance of appendages. Releasing her from the kiss, Scootaloo stared deeply into his eyes. Her own purple irises captivated him, while her scent of dew covered roses sent his member alight with barely contained lust.

Seeing how his dick was harder than a diamond, Scootaloo licked her lips and moved in for the most anticipated moment of Big Shot’s life. It was then that his alarm clock rang.

“Fucking damnit!” Big Shot shouted, grabbing his alarm clock and slamming into the wall as hard as he could. Just when his dream was getting good. “Why do I even have it on? It’s not like I have to go anywhere.”

Big Shot was left with two choices: go back to bed, or put the remnants of his dream and his morning wood to good use for a quick fap in his bathroom. Then it hit him.

“Oh shit, school’s gonna start!” He jumped out of bed and made his way through the minefield of junk and other unwanted items scattered throughout his room. He slipped into the bathroom and slammed the door.

What greeted him in the mirror was the face he’d been dreading to see each morning for as long as he could remember. He had to slouch a bit to get a better look at himself, but the end result was the same. Chubby brown cheeks, an unkempt green and gray mane spiking off into different directions, and a greasy coat. What made it all worse was the huge wad of gut hanging off him, which he desperately tried to suck in to try and hide the fact he’s a fatso. Satisfied that his stomach wasn’t too revealing, he went off to his first day of school, not even brushing his teeth or combing his mane.

Getting downstairs he quickly yelled over his shoulder, “Mom, dad, first day of school! Bye, love ya and the rest of that shit!” Before either one of his parents could reply he was already out the door, racing to the distant building labeled Ponyville High School.

“Come one *huff* Big Shot, you *huff* can make it,” he whispered to himself between breaths. “Shit, shouldn’t *huff* do this stuff so early.”

Finally reaching the school gates, and in a grand act of drama, he fell to the ground and started gulping in air like a really, really overweight fish out of water. Covered in a layer of sweat and other... excretions, he certainly wasn’t the perfect picture of what a presentable student should look like at school.

“You forgot what day it was, didn’t you?” a male voice said in front of him.

“I’m late, aren’t I?” Big Shot asked, wiping as much sweat as he could from his forehead.

He didn’t even have to look to know that his friend rolled his eyes. “In other news, the sky is blue, grass is green, and Celestia has a big plot.”

“Thanks, mister sarcasm. Now, be a dear, and help me up.”

“Of course, dear,” the voice sneered as he was gripped with a lime green aura of magic and lifted to his hooves.

In front of him was a young unicorn stallion, same age as him. His frame was skinny, almost skeletal, his ice blue fur hugging to his bones like a clingy marefriend. He wiped a lock of his blonde mane out of his face as he looked at Big Shot over the rim of his glasses with those lime green eyes of his, a smirk on his face as always.

“Damnit, Lockheart, how many times have I told you I hate it when you use magic on me,” Big Shot said, dusting off dirt from his coat.

“What, do you expect me to pick you up by hoof, Big Plot?” he teased, smiling wider and arching an eyebrow.

“How about I squeeze your bulbous head under my rump instead,” Big Shot replied, definitely not in the mood for Lockheart’s usual teasing of his weight.

“Oh, kinky,” Lockheart purred, turning around and practically prancing toward the front door of the school, showing off his cutie mark: a pink heart with a pitch black keyhole in the center.

Blushing slightly, Big Shot struggled to catch up with the fleet hoof unicorn. Big’s strides may have been bigger, but Lockheart sure can make haste on those skinny legs of his. “Hey, dumbass, wait up!”

“Fine, fine, I’ll wait up for you, slowpoke,” Lock said with a giggle as he slowed down.

Gasping for breath yet again, Big Shot leaned against one of the lockers in the hallway. “Know what classes we got for first period?”

“Don’t remember your own schedule? Tut tut, Big Shot,” he chuckled. “But history is first period, just so you know.”

“Seriously, dude, sarcasm should be your middle name or something. There’s so much hanging around you I can practically taste it.”

Lockheart giggled, smiling his Cheshire cat smile even wider. “Like how I can smell that wet dream on you? Did you even bother to get a shower?”

Big Shot blushed brighter. “First off, my shower routine is not involved any way, shape or form with you. Secondly, how the fuck can you smell that? You some type of dog pony hybrid?”

“Big Shot, you know me; I know the smell of aroused stallions quite intimately,” he giggled.

“Yep, school hasn’t even started and you’re creeping the shit outta me. Keep your sex life out of the conversation for once in your life.”

“But then I wouldn’t be me,” Lockheart gasped, feigning horror. “And everypony loves me!”

“That is a lie and you know it,” Big Shot said, rolling his eyes. “Sheesh, you call me perverted, yet you can’t go five minutes without yapping about whose hole you fucked the other night.”

“Yes, yes, I know, I have quite a few enemies,” the unicorn said with a dismissive wave of his hoof. He leaned in and whispered, “It was Peachy Pie’s the other night, by the way.”

“Isn’t she that one chick with the nickname ‘Cum Dumpster’?” he asked.

“She lives up to her name, and that’s all I’ll say on the matter,” Lock said with a wink.

“Ooof course you will. At least don’t mention it during lunch. I prefer not to think of some mare making one of the worst mistakes of her life while eating,” he said, stepping to the side to get his comfort zone back from Lockheart’s intrusive reach.

“Oh, you wound me, Big,” Lock sighed dramatically, thankfully not stepping forward to burst his friend’s personal bubble for the billionth time. “I’m not that bad a guy, you know. And not that bad a lay, either.”

“For the last time, Lockheart!” Big shouted, ignoring the strange stares from the other students. “I will not sleep with you! I would rather get fucked by a manticore than that pathetic little shrimpwad you call a penis anyday.”

Lockheart looked around at the other students who had heard that outburst. “Look,” he said with a hint of a hiss, “we’ve been over this. I’m just teasing, Big. I gave up on getting your plump plot in my bed years ago.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to know you’re teasing? You’re sarcastic half the time and dead serious the next minute! It’s confusing as hell!”

The unicorn’s smile widened and his eyes glinted, his face that of a predator about to pounce. “You’re cute when you’re mad, you know that?”

“... that’s it, why don’t you just-” His voice trailed off at the sight that always stopped his brain dead in its tracks.. Scootaloo, a name an angel would have, was passing by them in the hallway. Her beautiful purple mane seemed to sway in some nonexistent breeze. Her long, slender legs moved up and down, toned from years of athletic training. And of course, her toned, perfectly shaped plot only made her better to look at. Oh, how Big wanted to lick her cutie mark of a winged tire more than anything in the world. A small strand of drool began to fall from his lips.

“Wow, you’re literally drooling over her now. You’ve got the hots for that mare bad,” Lockheart said with a mix of amazement and amusement, snapping Big out of his trance.

“Well, I-I, um, yeah, something like that,” he mumbled, still sneaking quick glances at the mare of his dreams. “I mean, she’s okay, I guess.”

“Okay? Big, she’s hotter than a dragon’s lungs and one of the biggest athletes in the school. She is way out of your league, my friend.”

“Well, um, I still have a shot if I try! They don’t call me Big Shot for nothing!” he said, standing tall and proud.

And there was Lockheart, ready to deflate him like a balloon. “Yeah, as in ‘shot out of the sky,’” he drawled.

Big Shot glared daggers at him. “Wow, thanks for that encouragement. Really helped me out there.”

“I live to please,” he snickered. “In all seriousness, better just enjoy her plot from afar. She’s out of pretty much everypony’s league and she doesn’t even know it.”

“Well, my old man said if you want something bad enough, it’ll eventually be yours. Or you die in the process. He wasn’t really specific on which one.”

“Yeah, Scootaloo? She’d eat you alive,” he deadpanned. “She’d eat you alive with whipped cream, Big.”

“How the hell would you know?” he asked, curiosity traced into every word he spoke.

“Let’s just say I asked her out over the summer and I discovered she’s a mare with standards and leave it at that,” he explained, a rare emotion coming over his face: nervousness.

“W-what! Dude, why didn’t you tell me?” Big grabbed his slender friend and pulled him in close. “You knew I had the hots for her!”

“Because I don’t exactly like to dwell on my embarrassing failures,” he said with a groan.

“Failures? If that was it then you’d have nothing to talk about,” Big joked, satisfied the apple of his eye was still available. And boy was he enjoying checking out that apple’s curves.

“Oh ha ha, very funny,” Lockheart said with a roll of his eyes, lightly pushing Big away and dusting off his coat. “If you want to go after her, by all means. But let’s not kid ourselves, Big: If I can’t get a mare, the chances of you getting her are pretty slim.”

“Hopefully not as slim as your skinny ass.” Big cracked his neck and began to mentally psych himself. “Besides, if she doesn’t want to go out with a total slimeball like yourself, all the better chance of me getting her with my natural good looks and coltish charm.” Big made a headway for the pegasus, a skip in his step all the way.

Scootaloo had stopped to talk with her longtime friend, Sweetie Belle. She was very pretty in her own right, and a gorgeous singer, but not really Big’s thing. Neither of them seemed to notice him as he approached.

Finally reaching the two mares, Big realized a crucial flaw in his plan. Cold hooves to be exact. He couldn’t move and sweat began to pour like Neighagara Falls down his forehead. His breathing increased exponentially, his pupils shrunk into pinpricks, and he was instantly regretting not taking a shower that morning. The only words he could manage to speak from his incredibly dry throat were a series of grunts and other odd sounds.

Sweetie Belle stopped her conversation with the orange goddess in mortal form and silently pointed to Big Shot. Scootaloo turned to look at him. “Hm? Oh, you’re...” She tapped her hoof to her chin. “Big Shot, right? Whaddya need?”

“I, duh, n-need, um, um ,um, thing now!” As quick as a flash he raced back to a facehoofing Lockheart. That big stallion really could move when prompted to.

“I have born witness to a fail monsoon,” the unicorn groaned, sliding his hoof down his face.

“S-shut up!” Big Shot cried as he began pacing nervously and avoiding the two mares’ gaze. “I-I just lost my nerve, that’s all! Next time I’ll have her for sure!”

Lockheart looked over to the pair of mares, his ears perking up at Sweetie Belle’s giggling. “Big, that’s what you say about every mare you try to talk to. It’s been that way for years, and will be for years to come. I think your only chance at this point is hoping that somepony our age is a chubby chaser and that she sets her eye on you.”

“No way man! I don’t need no handouts! I’m going to get Scootaloo to go out with me! Even if I die horribly in the process!” He stuck his hoof high in the air in an over dramatic pose. This forced Lockheart to facehoof once again.

“Sweet Celestia man, you aren’t just hopeless, hope is allergic to you,” the unicorn groaned. He sighed and set his hoof down again. “Look, do you need my help? I could give you some pointers if you really need them.”

“What, why would I need help from you? If I wanted pointers for picking up trash, fucking it until I’m done with it, and then dumping it in the gutter, then sure, I’ll come to you. But with Scootaloo I want an actual relationship. Not whatever you call it when you use ponies for your own pleasure.”

A flicker of what looked like genuine hurt flashed across Lockheart’s face, but it was gone in the blink of an eye. “Sure, whatever you say. Shoot for the stars; I’ll be here to laugh my plot off when you fall and pick you back up again, as always.”

Glancing at his friend, Big realized he may have gone too far. Gripping his shoulder and squeezing him in a friendly embrace (which nearly collapsed one of Lockheart’s lungs), Big rubbed Lock’s mane with a free hoof. “Okay, let’s drop all this crap and enjoy the first day of senior year. How does that sound, buddy?”

“Sounds great,” the unicorn gasped, “but air would be nice too...!”

“Whoops, nearly crushed a rib again, didn’t I?” Big released his friend, who was only too glad to suck in air like no tomorrow.

“Yes,” he rasped, letting out a few coughs. “If you do manage to land Scoots, I weep for her poor pelvis, man!”

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s just get to class and survive the rest of the day.” And with that the two vastly different friends made their way to their first class, a new year ahead of them with countless possibilities.

“Ugh, I swear, if I have to listen to Mrs. Matrix yap one more time about homework assignments due, I’m going to jam my pencil in her eye,” Big Shot grumbled, his head down on the counter at lunch.

“I think she’d look absolutely dashing with an eyepatch,” Lockheart snickered as he took a seat next to his friend, his voice turning so feminine it was a miracle his Y chromosome didn’t file for divorce.

“Cut the weird accent, I’m not in the mood. I just want to eat my lunch and get through the day.” Unfortunately for Big, in his haste to get to school he forgot his lunch at home. When he figured this out mock tears sprang from his green eyes. “Shit, I don’t have a lunch! Now I’m gonna starve!”

Lockheart grinned his cheshire grin. “Just take a pony outside and eat ‘em; Pina Colada looks pretty tasty today,” he teased.

“Yep, just as I thought, you couldn’t go the rest of the day without making a snarky comment. That’ll cost you one sandwich.” Big swiped the delectable sandwich from Lock’s side of the table and began to dig into it.

“You could’ve just asked, geez,” the unicorn chuckled as his horn glowed, a brownie levitating out of his lunchbox. “I’ll just be satisfying myself with this, thank you very much.”

In the blink of an eye the brownie disappeared. Suspicious brown crumbs could be seen on Big’s face, along with his lip smacking being another clear sign of how the brownie met its demise. “Weeeeell, I have to be going,” Big said, stretching his back. “See ya!”

“Oh no you don’t,” Lockheart said, holding his friend in place with magic. “You are not going to just eat and run.”

“That’s the general idea,” Big stated, pushing himself with a considerable amount of force through Lockheart’s magic hold on him and he started to make a run for the exit.

“You’re buying me another one after school, Big Plot!” his friend called after his receding back.

“When Celestia goes on a diet I will!” Big shouted back, laughing on his merry way. But as he was making his getaway, he crashed into a certain silver maned mare who just so happened to be in the path of the giant stallion. Picking himself up, he noticed that he didn’t hurt the mare that badly, just knocked into her was all. “Oh geez, sorry about that. Are you okay?”

“Just dandy,” Silver Spoon said, setting herself up straight. She perked up when she noticed who she bumped into. “Hey, you’re Lockheart’s friend, right? Big Plot, I think he said your name was.”

“Fucking damnit, now he’s spreading that nickname around!” Big facehoofed and shook his head to clear the burning anger rising in his gut. “The name’s Big Shot, and yes, you could call me the friend of Lockheart,” he said, brushing dust off his coat. “Some friends he is,” he whispered under his breath.

“Sorry, Big Shot,” Silver Spoon said, either not noticing or caring about his frustration and not sounding the least bit remorseful. “Could you do me a favor and remind him of my date with him this weekend next time you see him? His memory has more holes than a changeling’s leg, I swear.”

“Sure, sure, I’ll make sure to remind him,” Big Shot said with false sympathy. Returning to the table, he slapped Lockheart on his back. “Hey, your whorefriend asked me to remind you about the date you have with her this weekend.”

“You’re going to have to be more specific,” Lockheart said, not sounding the tiniest bit aware of how awful that sounded.

“You know, that chick with the glasses. Silver Spoon I believe.”

“Ah, right, good old Spoony,” he chuckled, flicking his tail. “Smart girl, bit of a jerk, have yet to see if she’s a good lay.”

“Wow, you’re dating a mare and you haven’t even been in her bed in the first five minutes. That must be a new record for you,” Big said, staring absently at his hoof.

“Special case. She’s trying to make her on again, off again marefriend jealous,” Lock explained, sounding infinitely more interested in what he was saying than Big Shot was. “It’s purely for appearances, but I hope to get something out of the arrangement when all is said and done.”

“You know you’re one sick fuck, right?”

“Quite frankly, you have no idea,” Lockheart chuckled, smiling so wide he threatened to swallow his own head.

“Dude, you could out smile Pinkie Pie in a creepy smile contest with that twisted grin of yours.” Big slid a couple of feet away from his maniacal looking friend, avoiding eye contact just in case.

Lockheart let out a laugh, that thrice damned special laugh that made him sound like a resident of an insane asylum he could only make when he found something hilarious. “I’ll have to challenge her next time I see her. Would certainly be interesting.”

“Ugh, I’m still hungry,” Big complained, mock tears appearing in his eyes while he moaned and rubbed his belly. “Need food, nourishment. Anything!”

“Look, you already ate my sandwich and my brownie,” Lockheart said, his mad smile downgrading to his normal pompous one that somehow didn’t attract punches like a magnet. “What else can I do about that?”

“I’m a big stallion! Actually, I think I’m the tallest one at our school. Which means I need more fuel to go through my day. And as my friend, you are obligated to answer to my mooching needs.” Big’s pupils expanded to unnatural sizes until they touched the edges of his eyes. “Please?”

Lockheart stared into those puppy dog eyes long and hard before sighing. “You are way too adorable. Fine, but again, what can I do about that?”

“Use whatever dark magic you have with chicks to grab me some grub,” Big whispered in his ear, pointing a hoof at a table of mares.

The unicorn rolled his eyes and slipped off his seat. “Fine, but you owe me for making your plot bigger, Big Plot,” he mumbled as he trotted over to the table. With each step a familiar transformation took hold over the smooth talking cynic. His gait turned from the trudge of a stallion weary of having to work to move his legs to the confident swagger of a happy colt, his smile turned from one of smug aloofness to a charming grin, and the coldness in his eyes melted away. It always sent a scared shiver down Big Shot’s spine to see how his friend could change so easily. It felt unnatural.

“Good morning, ladies,” Lockheart greeted, his gravelly voice smoothed over.

Several of the mares returned the greeting, one certain Peachy Pie blushing profusely. “Good morning,” the yellow mare said back. “What do you want?”

“Oh, don’t be like that; I just wanted to say hi,” Lockheart purred, kissing Peachy Pie on the cheek and earning a squeak from her. “Though now that you mention it, I did have a favor to ask of you fine ladies.”

“What is it?” another one of the circle of friends asked, looking over the intruder warily.

“Well, you see, good old Big Plot over there stole my lunch again,” Lock said, jerking his head in Big Shot’s direction. “I was wondering if any of you mares would be so kind as to share anything you can spare with me?”

The mares started looking over their own lunches and handed over various food items that they didn’t want or thought they could live without. “You really need to stand up to him sometime, Lockheart,” one mare huffed. “No wonder you’re getting sick all the time if you keep skipping lunch.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” the unicorn assured as his horn glowed and he gathered their offerings. “Besides, I don’t want to end up a big blue stain on his plot, do I?” He snickered as he got a few giggles from the assembled mares. “Thank you very kindly, ladies. Have a nice day!” He trotted back over to Big Shot and set the food down, his charming facade evaporating faster than ice in a microwave. “You owe me.”

Big Shot only stared at the food, not even digging in. He was too busy giving Lockheart an evil glare.

“What? You did steal it,” the unicorn deadpanned. “I wasn’t lying. I just left out the fact I would’ve given it to you anyway.”

“Well, you didn’t have to embarrass me like that!” Big shouted. “Do you not know the meaning about the word discrete? You always do this! Making me look like some big, stupid, fat loser you hangout with over pity!” Big huffed and pouted, turning his back on the unicorn.

Lockheart sighed and trotted up to his friend’s side, nuzzling his cheek. “Big Shot, you are big, and you are fat. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. But you’re far from stupid, and you know it. Would I really give up my lunch to you every day if I just pitied you, anyway?”

A tint of red appeared on Big Shot’s cheeks, but he quickly shoved his friend off to avoid showing him that. “Personal space, man! And, well, thanks for that. I guess.” Seeing how nothing else could be said, Big started gobbling up his meal to fill in the awkward silence.

His friend just chuckled and sat across from him, watching him eat with crossed forelegs and those lime green eyes of his. It was more than a little creepy, all things considered, but many things Lockheart did were creepy.

Physical Education. The one class that Big Shot detested more than anything in the world. Even more than the most feared class in school. Calculus. But for Big, PE stood for something completely different: Pain Education.

“Oh dear Celestia this is torture,” Big moaned on his second lap around the track. All the other students had at least five laps done, while the large stallion was barely making his way past number two. And to make matters worse, Lockheart decided to motivate him in his own special way.

The unicorn slowed down a bit to allow Big Shot to catch up. Lockheart wasn’t exactly a speed demon either, thanks to his sickly body, but he was still ahead of his friend. “Come on, Big Plot, I could pick up five mares in the time it’d take you to do a lap,” he taunted.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t see you showing off at the weights,” Big Shot grunted. While Big certainly wasn’t the most athletic pony, he did make it up in his strength. Heavy weight were no problem to him, but for a skinny skeleton like Lockheart, he could barely lift anything close to Big’s level.

“Please,” he scoffed, “unicorns don’t need to learn to lift. We have magic for that junk.”

“That kind of talk will lead to no good. One of these days you won’t be able to depend on your fancy pancy magic. Then you’ll see what us regular ponies have to go through.” An overeager pegasus zoomed by them, nearly hitting Big in the process. “Hey asshole, you left your eyes at home or something?”

“Yeah, and someday my balls will shrivel up into old blueberries,” Lockheart said with a roll of his eyes. “But that day ain’t today. Pick up the pace or I’ll start fighting dirty.”

“Well, you’re already dirty from all the filth you pick up each day,” Big said, a smirk playing on his lips. “Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if-” The sentence stopped dead in its tracks as Big was knocked over from a speedy figure that just passed by. “Fucking fuck to the tenth power of fuck! I’m gonna strangle that flying chicken!”

“And then eat him, right?” Lock teased with a flick of his tail.

“More like shove him up your ass,” Big snapped at his friend.

Lockheart just let out a little aroused pur and wriggled his hips. “Another pegasus incoming, by the way.”

“What? Oh fu-” Yet again, Big landed face first on the track as that same troublesome pegasus flew past him. Laying on the ground for a few seconds, Big picked himself up and shouted at the top of his lungs, “That’s it! Come right back over here you motherfucking asshole so I can rip your wings off and shove them down your  motherfucking throat!”

The pegasus skidded to a halt on the ground and was in Big Shot’s face in seconds. “The fuck you say to me, fatty?” Rumble growled, his purple eyes boring into Big’s.

“What, you forgot your ears at home too? The gist of it was that I’ll beat your snot nosed face if you knock me over again you shit brained twerp,” Big said.

Rumble shrunk back, Big Shot’s full height, weight and strength registering in his brain. He looked around to see other students slowing down to see what was going on, so he narrowed his eyes and stood his ground. “I’d like to see you try, fatass!” he challenged.

“Oh, I’m going to enjoy this,” Big said, a very rare devious smile creeping across his face. Towering over the much smaller pegasus, he cracked both his hooves, the sound making Rumble flinch in terror.

“As much as I’d like to see you two pound the tar out of each other,” Lockheart drawled stepping between them, “Big Shot, you can’t afford to get suspended on the first day of school.”

“Ha, hear that? Your prissy little mommy’s here to save your sorry plot,” Rumble said with a smirk, his confidence returning.

Lockheart popped that confidence like a balloon, like he was so fond of doing. “Should I tell your marefriend about that one night you and I shared last year, Rumble?”

“Oooooh, burn!” Big shouted behind Lockheart’s back.

Rumble’s eyes scanned his surroundings incase any other pony heard that. Seeing how there was no other way out, Rumble trotted away, Big yelling at him, “Yeah, you better walk away you little punk!”

Lockheart snickered and turned to his friend. “You okay, big guy? That fall didn’t hurt you too bad, I hope.”

“Nah, it’s all good. That squirt is lucky you came along or else I would’ve smashed his head so hard against the ground even the janitor won’t be able to scrape his brain from the track. Guess you sleeping with everything that has a hole is actually paying off. Didn’t even know that guy was gay.”

“You wouldn’t believe how many ponies are in the closet,” Lockheart said with a wink. “I just have a standing offer out there to satisfy their needs without making them leave it.”

“Yep, alls well that ends well. Now, let’s get going so this day will finally be over.”

“You have to get in gear, first; two laps to go!” the unicorn chided, whipping his friend’s fat plot with his tail as he scampered off before he could get punched.

“Damn you and your skinniness. You know nothing of my troubles,” the stallion complained, hustling and bustling to move at what could be considered a slightly higher speed than a snail’s pace.

After the final bell in physics class, the flood of teenage ponies spilled out of the school, the assembling horde ready to strike chaos and fear in the hearts of adults, or smoke weed and sniff glue from a paper bag behind a dumpster. For some reason the second option was more popular.

The duo of friends were finally free, and Big was certainly in a chipper mood. “Done with school! And this year my classes aren’t even that bad. I have all of them with you, and most of my teachers aren’t complete assholes. Yep, this is gonna be a great year.”

“Aw, I’m flattered,” Lockheart giggled, his laugh sapping all the masculinity out of the surrounding area. “You consider being around me a good thing after all!”

Realizing that he had no comeback to that one, Big decided to discreetly change the subject. “This is the year I’ll get Scootaloo! I can feel it!”

“Yes, yes, yes, I’ve heard it all before,” his friend sighed. “Quite honestly, I have a better chance of banging Princess Luna herself.”

“You see, that’s the difference between you and me. I’m optimistic and you’re just your usual pessimistic, cynical bastard self. Try and guess which one will get you farther in life?”

“Assuming I’ll live very long with my health,” Lockheart mumbled bitterly.

“See, that’s what I’m talking about! Pessimistic attitude will always hold you down.” Big grabbed Lockheart in a spine breaking pat on the shoulder. “Let optimism into your life and your entire outlook on everything will definitely improve. You know what I’m saying?”

“So you keep saying,” the unicorn grumbled. “Good luck breaking me of that habit.”

“Wow, you’re like a broken record. At any rate, we have a couple of hours to kill. Got any ideas?”

His friend hummed in thought, looking up at nothing in particular, as if the answer were in the sky. “Well, you did eat my brownie at lunch today. I know your cheap ass isn’t going to pay for it, but we could go buy sweets at Sugarcube Corner. Miss Pie’s plot is always something nice to see, anyway.”

Big’s eyes widened in fear at the prospect of what his friend said. “But dude, you know that crazy mare gives me the creeps. It’s like someone injected chocolate flavored crack into her bloodstream.”

“Which is part of her charm. Her mad, borderline psychotic charm,” he said, a bit hesitant. “Still, nice plot to look at, plenty of sweets for cheap. What more could you want, Big?”

“The borderline psychotic charm is one of the problems. The fact that she stuffs a cupcake down my throat every time I go over there is another. Just because I’m fat she thinks I’ll just love anything she gives me.”

“Fine, fine, what about Bon Bon’s shop?” he suggested.

“That’s where that other psycho is. You know, her marefriend, Lyra I believe. She’s nuttier than a jar of pistachios. Going on about human this, hands that. And have you seen the way she sits? I didn’t even know a pony’s back could bend like that,” Big said.

“Yes, I have to admit how she goes on about those mythical creatures is a bit strange,” Lockheart admitted, “but hey, weird is the spice of life, and at least she doesn’t force feed you anything.”

“Fine, we’ll go there,” Big Shot grumbled, “but if starts spouting off about humans again, I’m leaving.” And so the dynamic duo made their way to Bon Bon’s sweet shop, close to their school. Then again, in a small town like Ponyville, everything was close by. After only a few blocks of walking they arrived at their destination, a sweet little shop with a sign stating ‘Bon Appetit’ up high for everypony to observe. Big was hesitant to enter, knowing full well what he wanted to avoid were behind those doors.

Lockheart rolled his eyes at his friend’s hesitation and walked inside, his demeanor changing once again to his more charming persona he always used around adults. “Good afternoon, Miss Bon Bon,” he greeted.

“Why hello Lockheart,” Bon Bon replied from behind the counter, giving the two teenagers her best greeter’s smile. “And I see you’ve brought your friend Big Shot. You two looking for some treats today?”

“Of course; I need to fatten him up enough to eat him for Hearth’s Warming, after all,” the unicorn teased, bumping his hip against Big Shot’s.

“Keep the insults at a minimum and I won’t have to knock all your teeth out,” Big whispered in his friend’s ear.

“I meant that affectionately,” he purred in return with a furtive wink before talking to Bon Bon again. “I’ll take a chocolate bar, please.”

“I would like a banana nut crunch bar,” Big said. Suddenly, his attention was attracted to a light aquamarine color outside his vision. And only one pony he knew had that color coat.

“Hey, good afternoon, boys!” Lyra greeted as she trotted down the stairs.

“Good afternoon, Miss Lyra,” Lockheart responded with a polite bow-like nod.

“Here you go, boys.” Bon Bon placed the bag filled with their goodies on the counter. While Lockheart went up to pay, Big Shot tried in vain to avoid eye contact with the unicorn mare. Unfortunately for him, his attempts failed.

“How’ve you been doing, Big Shot?” Lyra asked, oblivious to how uncomfortable he was. “You haven’t shopped here in a while.”

“Well, you know. Busy at home, and with school and all my schedule is packed.” Big began scooting over to increase his personal space that the mare was quickly eating.

“Aw, too bad. It’s always nice to see what the teens are up to around here,” Lyra said.

Lock let out a small scoff that said “You don’t wanna know, lady.” Lyra couldn’t speak Lockheart, however, so she didn’t pick that up.

“Well, it’s been so wonderful meeting you fine ladies, but we must really get going. Have a nice day!” Big said, pushing Lockheart with his muzzle to the door.

Lockheart let out an unusually cute squeak at the sudden pressure on his plot as he was pushed out. “Oh, okay, see you later!” Lyra said with a wave as they exited back into the cool autumn air.

“Whew, that was a close one. Nearly had to listen to her lecture on about another one of her crazy topics. Am I right Lockheart?” However, his friend was too busy giggling and arching his eyebrows in a seductive way to his friend to answer.

“Like it back there?” the unicorn teased, wiggling his plot in his friend’s face.

“S-shut up! The only reason I touched your disgusting plot was to get us the heck outta there. Now, let’s eat our treats and never speak of this again,” Big replied, blushing considerably.

“Disgusting?” Lockheart scoffed, his ear twitching as he handed Big Shot his banana nut bar. “I keep myself very clean back there, thank you very much.”

“Oh really? Even accounting all those slongs and balls that smack it twenty four seven?”

“I wash it every morning,” he huffed, raising his nose and closing his eyes in pride. “I can’t exactly walk around town smelling like jizz, can I?”

“Ugh, let’s get off the topic of whatever you do in your bedroom,” Big said, rubbing his temples in aggravation.

“For now,” Lockheart said with a smirk as he took his chocolate bar out and bit into it. “We always go back to it.”

“Whatever,” Big grunted, biting into his own sugary delight and reveling in its taste. The two friends shared this moment of silence, an almost innocent stretch of time where they enjoyed each other’s company while eating sweets. That, of course, did not last long.

“Hey, Big Plot! Whoreheart!” a female voice called out, shattering the content silence more efficiently than a hammer through a window.

Lockheart groaned. “Brace for impact,” he mumbled, looking over to the source down the street.

“Come on! How does everyone know that nickname? I’m going to give that jackass a piece of my mind.” But before he could make due on his threat, Big stopped in his tracks at one of the only things that could scare him.

Walking down the street was the high bitch queen herself, Diamond Tiara. That day’s set of lackeys - she always seemed to switch them out each day as if she collected them - were the mares Coronet and Royal Blue, the pair of henchmares snickering at what they probably thought was a sick burn from their leader.

“Stuffing your faces again, I see,” Diamond Tiara huffed with a smug smile as she approached.

“Um, well, I was just eating and...” Big’s throat sealed up and he gulped, desperate for a way out of the shedevil’s attention.

“And what? All you do is eat, you tub of lard,” Diamond Tiara said with a devious smile. That’s probably what Big Shot hated about her more than anything else: she thought she was wittier than she actually was.

“Says the mare who has seen more carrotsticks and stuck them in her rabbit hole than any single bunny alive,” Lockheart shot back, his voice deathly calm.

“Hey, look who’s talking,” Royal Blue stepped in. “You’re just a big slut who can’t hold down a colt or marefriend for more than a month!”

“Hey, you guys, can’t we all get along?” Big asked.

“Oh, yes, why don’t we all just sit together and bond over a tea party?” Diamond Tiara asked with a roll of her eyes. “Shove it, Big Shot. You need to get Whoreheart’s balls out of your mouth and grow a pair of your own.”

“Um, ah, okay then,” Big Shot whimpered.

“Hey, don’t you talk to him like that,” Lockheart hissed, taking a step forward.

“Oh look, Whoreheart is getting protective of his precious coltfriend,” Diamond cooed in a voice so sickeningly sweet it gave the taste of arsenic laced sugar to all who heard it. “How cute.”

“He is not my coltfriend,” he snarled. “Though I’d rather stick my dick in his fat plot than your rancid marehood, Diamond.”

“Like I’d want it,” she scoffed. “You sleep around so much I’m surprised your balls haven’t exploded from all those STDs.”

“I am perfectly clean, dammit!” the unicorn shouted. A line had been crossed, and rage burned in his eyes.

“Whatever, Whoreheart,” Diamond brushed off with a wave of her hoof. “Big Shot, why don’t you just eat this waste of skin and fur already and put him out of everypony’s misery?”

“He’s probably already tried,” Coronet snickered.

“Hey, the cannibal jokes are my territory,” Lockheart sneered. “You back the fuck away, right now.”

“Or what?” Diamond asked, icy cold venom clear in her voice.

“Or I’ll shrink you down and crush you under my fucking hoof like the bug you are,” he snarled, his eyes narrowing behind his glasses.

The trio of mares burst into laughter. “You’re still going on about that?” Royal Blue asked, panting from hysterics. “You’re never going to perfect that spell, Whoreheart! You have a better chance of landing an actual relationship instead of the whoring around you call romance!”

Big realized what his friend was going at. “Dude, you’re not seriously thinking of doing that spell? The last time you did it I had to put your horn out with a fire extinguisher. And that’s not even accounting in the fact it took two months to regrow your hair! This won’t end well,” he whispered in the frustrated unicorn’s ear.

“I’ll perfect it one of these days, dammit!” Lockheart hissed back.

“Oh, we’re quaking in our horseshoes,” Coronet giggled.

“I’ll stand back here for now!” Big shouted from his safety zone fifteen feet away.

“Hey, get back over here, fatty!” Diamond shouted as she cantered over to him.

“I said back off,” Lockheart growled, getting in her path.

“Oh for Celestia’s sake, you know you can’t do jack against me, Whoreheart,” Diamond groaned. “One word from me to my dad, and your dad is out of a job.”

“Leave my dad out of this!” he shrieked, other ponies out and about on the town starting to notice the fight.

“Man, that pony really doesn’t know the meaning of discrete, does he?” Big asked himself, noticing the odd stares he and Lock were getting.

Diamond smirked. “Why should I?”

Snap went Lockheart’s self control. A grin forced its way onto his face like a parasite, spreading and engulfing it. It was a crooked, lopsided grin, the grin of the unhinged. “Because if you don’t, I’ll tear your fucking throat out with my teeth, bitch.”

“Um... Diamond, maybe we should back off,” Royal Blue suggested, taking a step back.

“Oh fuck, need to get damage control quick,” Big said, noticing his friend’s maniac like disposition.

“He... he wouldn’t,” Diamond said, her tone betraying her unease. “He’s just a bluffing little bug.”

“Oh, you know I’m not,” he giggled, taking a threatening step forward. “Everypony knows how I fucked up Checkered Flag two years ago. Want an encore, Diamond?”

“Hey, Lock, why don’t we go home now? I think your dad is worried about you. And you know how my parents get when I’m out late,” Big said, shaking his friend’s shoulder.

“Yeah, go home crying to your daddy,” Diamond Tiara sneered, confident thanks to her new ammunition.

Lockheart ground his teeth together and screwed his eyes shut. He let out a huff and wheeled around, trotting away from the trio of mares. “Let’s go, Big Shot.”

“A okay buddy. Be seeing you guys!” Before he left with his friend, a very immature thought crossed his mind. Grabbing the last of his banana nut bar, he threw its remains at Diamond Tiara, sticky banana chunks now in her mane.

His unicorn companion snickered as they heard a girly shriek behind them. “Nice,” he said simply, his manic grin fading.

“Well, today was certainly fun. Nearly starved at lunchtime, and I nearly beat up a twerp at PE. And now with that bitch Diamond confronting us like that. All on the first day of school too! This can only reflect what the rest of our year will be like.”

“Pure mania and trivial peril; sound good to me,” Lockheart snickered. “Not enough sex, though. If ‘enough sex’ is a thing that exists.”

“In your case ‘enough sex’ is a nonexistent phrase. But at least the day’s finally over,” Big noted.

“Yeah,” Lockheart said with a small sigh. Several seconds of silence passed as they walked when he asked, “Am I really that big of a slut, Big?”

“Am I really as fat as you say I am? That will be the answer to your question,” Big Shot replied, smirking slightly.

“Heh, fair enough.” Another few seconds passed before he added, “I think that the pudge really works for you, though.”

“Unfortunately for me, the  female gender doesn’t think so. But I’m hoping to lose the weight soon enough.”

“Eh, I think you’re pretty cute the way you are,” Lockheart admitted, looking straight ahead. “But my opinion doesn’t count for much, I guess. I’m looser than the skin on your gut.”

“I won’t have a gut for long! See, I already have plenty of muscles. All I need to do is melt the fat off, and boom! Instant stud material!” Big Shot gloated, already imagining his new, awesome physique.

“I can already envision the mares lining up to fling their vagina at you,” he drawled with a roll of his eyes and a smile.

“Yeah, keep on saying that. But when I’m swimming in chicks and you have nothing, then we’ll see who’s laughing.”

“Heh, fat chance. I have a way with both sexes,” he chuckled. “Besides, I could get a steady relationship whenever I want... right?” Big Shot couldn’t tell whether Lockheart was asking his friend, himself, or both.

“Um, sure, you keep on telling yourself that,” Big said, not noticing his friend’s serious tone.

Lockheart’s ears flattened, but they came right back up again as he forced a smile. “Why don’t we take the school by storm instead? You lose that weight and get all the mares, I’ll continue to work my black magic on the stallions. Sound like a plan?”

“Whatever floats your perverted boat, buddy,” Big Shot said, “I get ass and you get dicks. I’ve heard of weirder plans, but whatever.”

“My plan is ingenious and you know it,” he teased, bumping his hip playfully against Big Shot’s as their houses came into view.

“Your last plan resulted in me getting a broken leg and you getting a fucktons of splinters shoved up your plot. And even then, you didn’t get the mare. Seriously, what was with those apple trees and shit just to get her to sleep with you?” Big asked.

“My mind works in mysterious ways,” he huffed. “Sometimes in ways so mysterious even I don’t fully understand it.”

“You’re just lucky Apple Bloom didn’t actually go through with that restraining order on you,” Big Shot joked.

“Good thing too. Just, wow, her accent is adorable and that plot of hers looks tight as hell from all the construction work she does all the time,” he said with a wistful sigh. “One of these days, man, I am bedding that country cutie.”

“Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but from what she’s told me, she thinks you’re creepy as hell. Plus, all she yaps on about is her marefriend Sweetie Belle.” Big’s eyes widened in shock and he slapped his forehead. “Damnit, I wasn’t supposed to tell anypony about that!”

“Ohhh, the plot thickens,” Lockheart purred, looking over to his friend with a smirk as they arrived at their front doors. “Sweet little Apple Bloom’s stable door swings that way, eh?”

“Dude, she made me promise not to tell anypony about that! Not even her friend Scootaloo!” Big shouted, freaking out.

“Calm down, calm down, you know that I’m at least good at keeping a secret,” the unicorn assured, patting his friend’s shoulder. “If she wants to stay in that closet, she can stay there. No concern of mine.”

“Thank Celestia. She doesn’t know how her sister would react. Plus, she’s afraid of what it would mean for her friendship with Scootaloo. Just keep quiet about it and we’re good. She’s cool to hang out with whenever we have a construction job, so I don’t want her to avoid me, okay.”

“Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, you’d have a better chance with the nice, friendly country gal who knows how to look past appearances instead of one of the biggest athlete mares of the town?” Lockheart deadpanned.

“Dude, she’s my friend. Not really marefriend material since I’m pretty much friendzoned. Plus, she already has a thing with Sweetie Belle. I don’t want to risk our friendship and her relationship like that,” Big said.

“Yeah, friendzoned,” his friend said with a roll of his eye at the term. “Anyway, shall we part ways? I’m eager to practice my magic again so I can finally cast that shrinking spell without setting something on fire.”

“Yeah, sure. Just keep a fire extinguisher at hoof,” Big teased.

“Yuck it up while you can. Once I get it working, look out Ponyville,” he purred with a smirk that could only mean trouble.

“I’ll alert the officials.” And with that the friends departed, both so vastly different that no one would even think the two stallions would even hang out with each other. But as one would think, opposites attract, or at least tolerate each other’s presence.

Big Shot counted to ten, and there was a loud bang and a yelp of pain from next door. Life was predictable, but good.