Growing Up Is Optional

Saturday night. A night for fun, partying, raging orgies of drugs and dancing bodies at the club and the partaking of alcohol the typical norm for many teenage ponies, or so Big assumed. In Big’s case, it meant sitting at home watching television while having a small snack. And that’s the way he liked it.

Big Shot learned early on in life that he wasn’t cut out to be a social pony. Partly because he scared off ponies with his rather large presence, partly because he was awkward to talk to. Many saw that as shyness, but he just preferred not to talk if there was no incentive for it.

At that moment he was flipping through the channels in an absent manner, bored slightly with nothing good on. He munched on some chips, barely noticing how he was nearly out. He knew his mom would chew him out eventually for that, but she and his dad were out of town for the weekend, so he didn’t really give a damn. Yes, just a typical, dull Saturday night.

And that’s when there was a knock on the door. It was to a certain tune - a common one from childhood. Olly olly oxen free. He groaned; it was the signal of a certain unicorn to let Big know it was him. He slipped off his couch and trudged to the door, both thankful for the release from boredom and hating the universe for the form of his deliverance.

“Heya, buddy!” Lockheart said cheerily. “So, your parents are out of town for the weekend, yes?”

“Yeah. Watcha need?” Big asked hesitantly, not liking where this conversation was going.

“Oh, just a spot of fun,” he said as innocently as he could manage, suddenly sprouting a Trottingham accent. “I want to get away from my parents, you’re probably bored out of your skull.”

“This won’t be a spot of fun that involves us running from a mob of angry pegasi like two weeks ago, is it?” Big Shot shivered from the memory. Barely managed to get out of that one with their lives, and knees not beaten with lead pipes.

“Hey, you wanted to try out that unfinished rainbow gunk as food just as much as I wanted to swipe some for lube,” he said defensively, crossing his forelegs.

“That rainbow gunk nearly burned my tongue off, so you should be thanking me I stopped you from using it on your schlong,” Big said, remembering the event with despair. He couldn’t taste anything for three whole days after that. “Plus, you had to make it worse by groping that one pegasus, which I might add was one of your stupider ideas at the time we were escaping. You’re lucky I didn’t trip you over to get trampled back there.”

“A plot like that only comes along once every few generations,” he said with a huff, turning his nose up. “Besides, we got out just fine, didn’t we?”

“If by fine, you mean me finding broken pieces of glass in my ass the next day, then yes. It was hunky fucking dory.” Big Shot remembered one important factor at that moment, the reason why Lock was here. “Going off topic aside, I’m pretty sure you need me for something.”

“Can’t I hang out with my best friend without ulterior motives?” the unicorn asked coyly.

The silence in the air and the cricket chirping conveniently in the background was a good enough answer.

“Fine,” he sighed. “I’m going on a date tonight, and I need your help. Before you say it, no, I’m not asking you for a threesome.”

“Well then, too bad, because I don’t do wingpony,” he replied, pulling the door closed.

Lockheart stuck his hoof in the door. “Not to be my wingpony! I need you to go out on a double date with me. I’ve got two mares lined up for us.”

“And yet my answer is still no. What a shocker. Now if you don’t want your hoof cut off, remove it from the door’s path or I may slam it on you.”

“Big, you don’t understand,” he said, keeping his hoof where it is. “These mares are hot as dragon’s breath. They are hot as unprocessed rainbow. You will not regret this, trust me!”

“Yet I’m already regretting starting this conversation,” he said, rolling his eyes. “And we just started the whole trust thing. You’re still in the untrustworthy phase. Jump up a level and then we’ll talk.”

“I tried to kill Checkered Flag because I thought he was the one who gave me that rash!” Lockheart blurted out.

“... and this is exactly why Apple Bloom doesn’t want me hanging out with you. Ever heard about going to a shrink or something. I know a pretty good one.”

“I don’t need he-” His words died in his throat. “Wait, how do you know a shrink?” He peeked in through the crack in the door, his one visible eye widened in surprise.

“Oh for fuck’s sake! Where do you think I go every Thursday afternoon?” Big shouted accusingly.

“You don’t seem to care where I go every Sunday morning,” he shot back.

“I go to church on Sunday morning, so of course I don’t know where you go. Wait... fucking damnit, we steered the conversation off course again! Let’s go back a few steps.”

Lockheart sighed. “Okay. I have a double date arranged. I’d like you to come with me to take my date’s friend.”

“Try and guess what my answer is going to be again?” he taunted. “It starts with an h and ends in an o. Hell no!”

The unicorn groaned. “Why in the name of Luna’s black-furred moon do I need to convince you to go out on a hot date?!”

“Hmm, let me list them off for you. One, I still don’t know if the date is actually hot; two, it involves being in your presence when you’re in that douchebag mode you put on for dates; three, I’m still more interested in Scootaloo; and four, I’ve been getting strange wet dreams of Apple Bloom... I now realize I shouldn’t have told you that.” Facehoofing forcibly with both hooves was the rightly deserved punishment for him, and his now sore forehead.

“For the love of all that is holy, you have to elaborate!” Big’s forehooves being preoccupied, Lockheart slipped through the door with an excited grin on his face.

“See, this is why you need therapy. Trying to learn more about somepony’s wet dreams is not normal, and creepy beyond comparison,” Big said, his forelegs folded in defiance. “Besides, you’re the reason I’m even getting these dreams in the first place. I haven’t been able to get that image of Pina and Bloom together out of my head no matter what I do!”

“How is that my fault? I didn’t know that Pina would do that!” he protested. “I mean, sure, I knew she did do that, but I thought she might get the hint ‘I do not want you to molest one of my friends.’”

“You gave no such hint!” he accused. “For all I know the same thing could happen to me on the date if I go with you!”

“Look, I don’t know these mares as well, I admit that,” he said hastily. “But I highly doubt either of them are as loose or as forceful as Pina. Besides, would you really complain if you got laid?”

Big Shot opened his mouth to rebuke, but closed it suddenly after a couple of seconds of silent thinking. His eyes grew wide, and he slammed the door, walking down the path out of his house’s front lawn. “I ain’t buying dinner,” he called over his shoulder at Lockheart.

“Fine, dinner’s on me, Big Plot!” he shouted back, galloping after him.

Big Shot rolled his eyes and followed with dread, already regretting his decision.