Bearings of life

-This is my story.

~~~

I walk on while taking a look around. All is normal with the world. Ponies are relaxing with the animals. The leaves of the trees are sunset red. The gentle breeze rippling through my mane.

It's the highlight of my day, as it will always be. This is the only time when I can be me.

Yes, I am always me.

When I am me, I am a normal pony. Most days I don't have much to do, besides earning the bits, selling merchandise...

I'm a bookseller. My variety of books doesn't exactly match the library's, but I have a large amount. I've seen many ponies come in the book shop. Even the Twilight Sparkle has come before. Yes, the element of magic, abandoning studies for a new book to relax with. It's always peaceful.

Wait. There's a but.

But. When I am me, things are different. I am not peaceful... But sad. And angry. And living. And... dying.

My life is composed of a routine. Wake up... work... sleep. I really don't have anything to do with hours of my life everyday. My life itself is composed of just a few things. I don't have anything to do. It's... boring. In a way of viewing it. But a few hours... it's nothing to being myself. Being myself... I can take days for that.

So in all... What am I?

I am sad.

Oh... I am sad. I am desperate, I am drowning, I am dying. I don't have time for inner me. I am lonely. I am crying, and through gritted teeth and tied hooves, I have endured my fillyhood. Partially. My memories are what's left of it but those would follow me to the depths of Purgatory.

As a child... no. There was no tragedy. It was fine. It was happy. Very nice. For... outer me. A me that everypony knew me as. Everypony... except me. When has Everypony ever included me?

Inside.. when somepony gets angry at me for something I do, I die. When somepony is sad because of me, I die. When nopony cares about anything I do and why I am there and why am I alive, I die.

And I must have died a billion times.

So... when no pony is there, and no pony is looking, I cry.

I cry my heart out. I cry my woes away. I cry myself to sleep, an acquaintance called sad aiding me along and somepony called loneliness there too.

And when I am not crying, when I am not dying, I take my melted-wax heart, and mold it into something that can survive until I get home from working.

And there are only a few times when I feel at home. Only a few places I think of as home. When I am being sad, and when I am at the park.

When at the park, I think it's my closest experience to happiness. I find nothing wrong with the world there, excluding myself.

Today, I can see Fluttershy there. She's an old classmate of mine. We met in school, a little before Ms. Cherilee came to school. She was the only one who would even listen to me. She helped me along for when I needed a friend. I remember a day when we just cried into each other for all of the stormy trip. She was crying for a different reason than me, but oh, how nice it was to share my  feelings. How nice it was to know that somepony could listen to my real feelings, that someone might care, It was like a painful secret that I could finally shout out to the world.

A few days after that was when I realized, I needed somepony to care for. And somepony to care for me.

I haven't found her yet.

And so, as I walk along, I can think quietly with Fluttershy nearby and no one noticing me.

It's at least comforting.

That's really the best I can do in life.

***

A few days pass as I stagger on through my half existence.

It surprises me that the Twilight Sparkle is back, and that she brought her friends. Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity are quietly looking at books. Or semi-quietly because Pinkie Pie is about to explode.

Although I barely notice any of it... I was thinking. Fair thoughts that were neither happy or sad. But... Fluttershy walks up to me, and says hello.

I was not really focused on what was happening, so I give a small yelp, leading to one from Fluttershy. A habit I learned from her.

"Ah... Oh. He- Hello Fluttershy."

"Hi," she says, hiding behind half of her hair.

"It's been some time, hasn't it?"

"Yes. I can't remember the last time I saw you."

"It was some time ago. So, what-... what brings you here?"

"Well Twilight wanted some things, and She brought all of us with her..."

"Oh. A- anything that you want for yourself?" I've always been nervous around her. Probably my reflexes. Hers, more specifically.

"Well, I-"

"AAGGHH!!! I can't take it any more! How can you all be so QUIET!?!" The Pink mare has brought out large confetti cannons. She proceeds to cause several explosions as Applejack is opening her mouth to speak.

"Ergh." The orange pony spits out a large bundle of colorful paper. "Pinkie, could you... just... I don't know, NOT bring those to a library!?" Rainbow Dash is straining to restrain her. "Hey, Applejack, just relax! Pinkie didn't mean to do it! It just, you know, happened. Before... you... ATE PINKIE'S CONFETTI! HAHAHA how did it taste? You had woooooood piled in your mouth- You were all 'BLAH ROAR Im going to get you YARGARGAR Ima monster now gonna get you pinkie-!!! HAHAHA!"

By now, Rarity is holding Applejack still as she tries to grab Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, both of whom are bounding across the room with boisterous laughter.

Twilight notices me and carefully walks over. I notice that Fluttershy is hiding under the coffee table.

"Erm... sorry for the inconvenience... We can clean all of it up, but... erm... How about you close the store and come with us as we bring everyone to the sugarcube corner?" Twilight has a sheepish smile on her face that seems to have a hint of annoyance.

"It's no big deal. You don't have to do anything."

"Alright then, ummm... now, could you excuse me as I..." The annoyance is back, but it's not trying to hide anymore.

"Sure. I'll step outside for a moment." I go outside. Deciding that I don't need to listen, I take a short walk.

I haven't taken much time for myself lately. More and more ponies are interested in books. I've been quite frantic over the past few days.

When I get back in the store, Twilight is still scolding with a shameful tone to Apple jack, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie.

"Erm..."

"It's fine, I'm just about done here." She glances at the ponies, who simultaneously say, "I'm sorry sir."

"Oh. Okay."

Fluttershy is still trembling under the table so I help her out.

"Hmm. Do you two know each other?"

"Yes," Fluttershy speaks. "Twilight, this is Horizon."

"Horizon... That's a nice name. It's nice to meet you. You can call me Twilight."

"I know Horizon from school. We helped each other."

"Helped ...each other? Erm, never mind. So, do you want to go over to the SugarCube corner with us?" She looks at Pinkie Pie who seems to be giggling and fidgeting with something in her mane.

"Oh... well...-"

"-Aw, don't be shy. We're cool." Rainbow Dash says.

"... okay then."

So, the 7 of us head outside. Pinkie Pie gives a goodbye to the store with yet another blast of colored paper.

***

I have a good time eating a vanilla-frosted rainbow-sprinkled cherry-dipped cupcake. I never really took much pleasure to eating. Fluttershy sits next to me with an equally delicious looking ice cream cone.

"She's actually not mean, just really loud." Fluttershy says quietly.

"Oh, no, it's alright. Really."

"Okay then."

She stares out the window. "Do you still get sad?" She asks.

I don't know how to answer. I think about it. I shouldn't have. Before I know it, I am hugging Fluttershy. She yelps, but then quiets herself.

"Oh! Horizon... you..."

I let go of her. "I miss you," I say. I don't know why I did that.

"I miss you too," Fluttershy says with a comforting smile.

"LET'S HAVE A PARTY!!!" Pinkie yells.

"BOO-YAH!!! 'S GONNA BE SO AWESOME!" Rainbow Dash returns.

"Agh... what am I doing with you gals?" Applejack says.

And then Pinkie and Rainbow Dash are racing across town with invitations while ponies come flooding in.

Me and Fluttershy retreat upstairs where Twilight and Rarity have already gone up to.

"My, my, she sure has energy."

"Well, Rarity, she always got hyped up in quiet places..."

"I assume that you won't be bringing her into any other libraries?"

"Mmm. Pretty much."

Then, Pinkie Pie races up into the stairs, Rainbow Dash just behind.

"HAH! I beat YOU here Dashie!"

"What??? I beat you flying through a pony crowd indoors! I beat YOU!!"

"I STILL BEAT YOU!!! HAHAHA- THAT WAS FUN- HAHAHA!!!"

"Yeah. that was fun. HAHAHA!!!"

Pinkie Pie turns toward me.

"You're a Pegasus also. BET I CAN BEAT YOU LIKE I DID WITH DASHIE IN A RACE!!! HAHAHA!!!"

I nervously rustle my wings and take a small step back.

"Er..."

But now, Pinkie Pie is now giving me an inquisitive look, as if she just realized something. Applejack walks in. She seem different...

"OH MY CELESTIA! APPLEJACK YOU'RE--- BLUE!!! AHAHAHA!!!" Pinkie Pie erupts.

Applejack stares back at her.

"I know," she says flatly.

"By the way... Pinkie... WHY IS THEIR A PAINT FIGHT DOWNSTAIRS!?!?!?"

"A Paint fight??? Sounds fun!!!"

She hops forward, but then stops. Then she turns to me and once again, gives an inquisitive look, then gives a small gasp.

"Horizon... You're... blank. Like- really blankly-blankety-blank."

Rarity turns towards me.

"Oh. You are... absent of a mark, too..."

All the ponies turn to me. I nervously move back again.

"... I know!"

Pinkie runs down the stairs, then comes back spattered with streaks of paint. She holds up a few paint buckets.

"I'll give you a cutie mark, if you want."

"Well..."

"Aw, don't worry! Auntie Pinkie Pie's here!"

"Pinkie..." Fluttershy says. "Horizon's older than me and I'm a year older than-"

"SO! What do you like doing, Horizon???"

"Um... well..."

"Aw, just say it."

"I-... I don't like doing anything."

I start turning away as she brings a thoughtful hoof to her cheek.

"OH OH OH! I know!"

Pinkie dips the paintbrush into the white, and paints an invisible blotch on my white coat.

"White fooooooooooooooor... nothing!"

"Pinkie..." Applejack begins. Pinkie doesn't seem to get it.

"No... It's fine. I- I should start going home, it's a little late... Uh... Thanks Pinkie. I appreciate it."

"Don't worry, Auntie Pinkie'll always be here to turn that frown, upside-down!"

I'm already down the stairs. There is a paint fight and I get splattered with lot's of paint. It's alright, just a little color in my life.

When I get to my house, I lie down.

~7 years before~

I reach school. Dad said I had to walk because bringing me would make him late to work.

It's far to get to school, and it made no sense. His schedule, he said, always stays the same, in his business lecture.

Maybe he didn't care.

Maybe he wanted time alone. Without me.

Walking in to the classroom, I wipe away a tear.

~~~

"Now, now, students. Settle down. Just because lunch is next, doesn't mean you have it now."

Hmm, it's real rowdy today.

"Hey, Miss Cheerilee. Does this look like a butterfly???"

A butter--?That's... a house...-- Is it?

"It's artistic and amazing. I think you should be proud of your drawing. (...?)"

"Yay, Octavia! I told you so!!!"

What???

I take a look around. All the fillies are wreaking havoc, save a handful. I walk around the room to a quiet white filly, a paper in front of him and a pencil in his mouth. Horizon, wasn't he? He is resting. He seems peaceful. I look at the paper.

A flower's blooming,

life resuming-

But nopony knows,

my endless throes

I am left

Of what has gone

A memory

that can't move on.

I may be smiling.

That could be lying.

I might be crying.

I could be dying.

Oh my gosh.

Now, I notice that there are round patches that are darker and easier to see through than the paper around it. I smooth over them with a soft hoof. The patches are wet.

He was crying.

~Lunch~

There he is again. In the grass, just like yesterday, and before that. What is he doing? Just staring at the sky maybe. I like the sky, too. I walk over. He doesn't seem to notice me.

"Um... hi."

"Hmm?"

He has a surprised look and his face is red-ish.

"Oh, sorry if I'm disturbing you."

"Oh. No, it's alright."

He goes back to looking up, a sorrowful face, looking at the sky.

"Uum, what... are you doing?"

"Hmm? Oh. I'm-... I'm... looking at the sky."

"Why?"

"Why? I..."

"Mmmhmm?"

"Well... I..."

But I can tell he doesn't want to tell me.

"Why can't you tell me? Is it a secret???"

"No, it's just that I..."

Just say it!

"Why don't you tell me?"

"Ummm... I..."

"I'm going to walk away if you don't tell me."

He looks at the sky.

"Hmmf! Fine."

He's annoying. I don't have to talk to him.

And I walk away.

~After School~

"No, no, no, to kick the ball right, you don't lift your hoof up, you spring it forward!"

I have no idea what that means. I run forward.

"Come on son. Watch it, your cousins getting ready to-"

"Hold on- I'm thinking where to-"

"Don't think- just go!"

My cousin quickly takes the ball and kicks it towards my second cousin.

"What? What were you doing? You have to learn how to keep the ball. Why can't you do such a simple thing?"

Well dad, you can't just do things by thinking, saying, or wishing them.

"..."

"Just keep the ball and don't let them get-

Hey, why can't *you** try getting it?*

-and don't just run around them, get it! Get the ball!"

But you were just talking to me and would yell at me if I don't listen!

I am running and running. I don't want my dad to be disappointed at me.

"Son, you have to learn how to-"

"I know! I know! I know it but I can't do it!"

"Why not?! Just DO it!"

"What if I'm not able to? What if I can't just do it because I want to? I don't even want to anymore. You're not a coach or anything, and we weren't even competing!"

"Well you are now!"

My cousins have stopped playing soccer. They're just staring at us as we argue.

"What do you mean? This was a team effort."

"Well not anymore. You have to learn how to do things for your-"

"I know how to do things for MYSELF. But you're there yelling at me for not doing this and not doing that."

"I'm only letting you have some exercise!"

"I was getting exercise! Fun exercise! But you were yelling at me and-"

"I'm only trying to give you good exercise!"

Good exercise? What does that mean? Why isn't fun exercise good?

"What good exercise? How is it good? You just yell at me to learn something while telling me to do two things at once!"

"Son, Listen. You aren't doing what you are supp-"

"I'm not? I'm not doing what-? What is it that you want me to do so that you can stop yelling-"

"I'm NOT yelling! You're the one with a bad attitude-"

"You play then! I'm not going to anymore!"

"Fine, be that way!"

He does he steps in my place as a run to the grass.

In already a few moments, he's having fun. Fun exercise. I bite down on a daisy, hard, and grind it to pulp in my mouth.

~~~

That filly, horizon. I can't believe it! such amazing poetry! I wonder what it means... hmm...

I continue down the lane.

It's a nice day. I think this is the climax of the season. Oh, look at all the fillies playing in the park today. Hey! It's him again, in the grass.

Several fillies and a stallion are running in the field as Horizon sits on the grass.

I wonder why he doesn't go play with that nice family right there...? He could have a lot of fun in soccer.

I walk on.

~ Right after the soccer game~

"Hey, son. Did you have fun at soccer today? A good exercise, right?"

He pats my back.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHATDOYOUTHINKISWRONGWITHTHATSENTENCEDAD

"I-... I guess so."

He gives me a smile and starts walking down the road.

I fall over.

Aaaa....agh...

~Present Day~

"Where did you know him from?"

"Oh... well, a long time ago, we met in school."

"Hmm. It was like something was on his mind."

"He was sad."

"Sad? About what?"

"Well... he...:"

"He...?"

"Um... he..."

"Aw, C'mon, Fluttershy."

"Um... Rainbow Dash... He..."

"Argh!!! He WHAT!?!?!"

"He doesn't like letting people know. He thinks they won't care."

"Dawww.... Huh. Oh, well."

Rainbow Dash is already dashing off. The leaves are still twirling around. I take a small walk in the park. He never seems to be there when I want him to. I want someone to talk to. Ha-ha, I still remember how we met. Hmm.

~~~

I walk through the room continuously. I wanted to do something, but I don't know what. I can't remember. I was curious... about...-???

"AGH!"

"Eep!"

"Hey, watch where you're going, twerp!"

"Oh... I'm sorry."

"You should look at ponies when they're talking to you."

The pony grabs me angrily grabs me angrily.

"Ah... I'm sorry! Its just that I- I- I-"

"Look, you're not cute. Just stay away from me!"

"Oh... I- um..."

He throws me down on the floor. I feel really warm at my eyes.

"But- bu-... *sniff* I..."

And I run out of the classroom.

~Lunch~

He...! He was so mean... I- I- ahhhh- I-

I spot Horizon on the grass.

I could- maybe talk to him about it. I don't think he'll care if I say the world is ending... Though I might....

I am walking towards him when-

"Fillies? It'll rain soon. You all should come inside."

I turn around at Ms. Cheerilee, then at Horizon. Everypony else is running in.

"Ho- Horizon?"

"Hmm?"

"It- It's going to rain."

"I know."

"You know? Oh. We should... go inside."

"I- I want to stay out here."

"But- but you'll get wet."

"I know. That's alright. I... I like the rain."

He looks down as he said it.

"You do?"

"I like the rain... because then, nopony knows..."

"Nopony knows what?"

"...So that nopony knows that I'm-"

He has put his face in the grass.

"Nopony knows that I'm--!"

"Horizon? Are you still out? And Fluttershy! Come on in."

He slowly gets up. I walk in with him. His hair hangs over his face as he drops down near the window.

Thunder immediately crashes.

"Agh!"

I don't like thunder.

I lie down next to him as he stares outside. I'm shaking. Thunder is very scary. I need something to distract me.

"Um... Ho- Horizon... Wh- wh- what were you going to say yesterday?"

"Hmmm? Oh. Nothing..."

"But you were still trying to tell me that you...?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

*POW* *CRACK* *BAM*

"Eeep-! Ah... Um... You were... um...-"

"HEY! What are you doing here?"

"H- Huh?"

That pony, from earlier.

"I said, what are you doing here?"

"Um... Uh... Please don't..."

Everypony's looking at us now. The pony is staring me in the face and I am already crying and I know he wants to hurt me as he raises a hoof-

-And is punched in the face. Horizon stands between him and me.

"Stop."

The pony looks up from the floor.

"OW! What was that for!?"

"Just stop it."

He runs off. I'm inexplicably crying even more now.

"Hmm? there was some noise... I wonder what happened?"

Ms. Cheerilee turns around curiously, then stares at the board again, writing more down.

"Are you okay?"

Horizon stands next to me, bending down to my face.

"I- I am... I... Um- A- a- are you?"

"Of course I am."

And I grab him tightly, freely sobbing onto his mane.

"Fluttershy... It's- it's alright."

"Hmm? Now what happened here?"

Ms. Cheerilee has walked over.

"It's fine, Ms. Cheerilee. We're all fine here. I think."

"Hmm... well- ...if you say so..."

She is walking away again.

Horizon's starting to let go of me, so I hug him even tighter.

~~~

"... be rain today. Do not go outside at-"

I turn the set off. A storm'll be fine. I don't mind the rain.

Nopony will be outside today... I think I'll go to the Library. An interesting change of events.

So, slowly, slowly, slowly forward. It really is a nice day, even though there should be rain. Quiet, breezy, and calm. Until I hear multiple voices.

"Hey hey hey! Slow it down, Pinkie! We'll get there."

"UUUuuhhhh but I'm so bored I want- There's nothing to do just walking- SO TOO QUIET HEREEEEE!!!!!

Just my luck. Sigh. I make a very sudden right, calmly vanishing to the other street. Kind of. I'm fairly sure that Applejack saw me. Well, let her have.

"So...?"

Yes, she saw me indeed.

"Sooo, any reason for your hiding?"

I don't answer, only just look away.

"Hulloooo??? Horizon?"

I let out a sigh.

"I can't be around you guys."

"What? Why not?"

Why not indeed...

I should tell myself in my own mind... No, I don't really care. I mean, I do, but...

"Explaining it would rid it of its reason."

"Hrrm... Rid it of its reason...? Is this one of the 'say silence's name and it shall disappear' thangs?"

"Mmmmm.... I- I guess you could say that."

"Hrmmm... Well I just-"

"Please don't talk to me... Not- not now."

"What? Well why not???"

"I told you before."

"You told- You're a tricky stallion, ya know that?"

"Tricky? I- I always thought I was too... I was shunned by life so, please... don't try to coax out my secrets."

"You- What beast couldja be holstering in that minda' yours?"

"..."

I start walking away. She isn't following me. She isn't. No... she...

No...! It's not... the inside... Please... somepony tell the beast outside to let me go! Please! P-... please... just... can't somepony care to destroy my monster outside... and set me free?

I am crying as quietly as I can, hoping that someone can hear me.

~~~

The Library is open. Inside, a purple- green dragon tends to the books.

"Hi, can I help you? Twilight's not in right now. She says she'll be back soon."

"Oh, no. I only wanted to see some books."

"Oh. Well... okay then."

A day of reading. It's kind of ironic, considering how I'm a bookseller. I enjoy books not-so-often because of the many things I have. Or maybe the few lengthy activities of mine. I can see why Twilight spends so much time reading. Adventures are my favorite, the development of a lonely character, caught in the moment, facing tests that change them and their beings, finding a new way to think of themselves and others. Life is an adventure.

And yet...

Me. There's me, isn't there? The exception. What adventure? What tests? What life?

Not mine.