Bearings of life

The time at the library goes along quickly. Nopony else has come to the library yet. It isn't lonely though. These books are little joys that I can spend time with. Spike, the young dragon, is keeping himself busy. The list on the wall occupies him, and though I've offered help, he refuses to stop working.

Such loyalty that companions share...

Such sadness that could be within.

What, is friendship...? Friendship... I find myself lonely and sad, and I don't have 'friends'. So... could friends be a way to relieve pain? Friendship could be amazing and wonderful.

And yet... There is something more. A share of feelings. A cry of hope. Could that... be friendship too?

Could it be something more?

When the days are cold, when life brings you down...

When the young turn old, and you're still not found...

Could it be, that there will a friend? A friend.

I was never a stallion of science... I thought too much for that. I thought Energy was a disturbance in possibility, I thought that  a life force was a meaning and the living representation of all, if nothing is to care then nothing is to matter, I thought that a feeling could be the ruler of all.

And the thing that troubles me the most...

I thought "what if?"

What if things weren't real?

What if thoughts ruled?

What if fears were reality?

It horrifies me when I think of it... More of fear and sadness...

But one question that no one may ever think of but me... one thing that will reverse my very existence...

What if... indeed...

So what is it? My one true fear. But also a wish.  A painstakingly hard wish that I would never say out loud, not even whisper in secret...

I've practically had nightmares and daydreams over it. I have actually. And...

And just thinking of it... Just thinking of it leaves me a shell of a puddle of a pony...

I might die for it. I might die with it. I might die... thinking it.

My life... no one cared. No one took notice to a random individual just like any other. But... a pony like me is not really me. If anypony could know who I really was, I... wouldn't be me. But really... I don't know whether I matter anymore. I don't even

know if I care.

It would not be thought at all if not for me, most likely the sole sane, depressed 'scientist'...

A question that reverses my very existence... My very.... Celestia, no... not my, my...

What- What if-...

I shouldn't bring myself to say it, I am slowly dripping onto the page a warm, quiet cry... Spike seems to notice me in my sadness but I tell him everything's fine... I don't want to think it... It pains me... And yet a part of me is always thinking it and I am straining not to erupt, to keep it in- to- to- to-

If nothing is to care then nothing is to matter.

Nothing is to matter.

Matter. Care. Me. Nothing.

I'll-... I'll allow myself to say it. Just... just this once.

Because... Because...!

"What if... someone cares?"