A Human in Equestria? Like That’d Ever Happen

Malign sat his reading glasses down on his writing desk and rubbed his temple with a hoof. He’d given himself another headache. He was sure this one was not work related. This was more than likely false as he’d been filing and filling out paperwork throughout most the day and far into the night but he wouldn’t blame this new headache on his bad habit. No, he would blame this headache on a memory that plagued his mind. The memory was created only earlier that day… or yesterday. Whatever time it was.

This most recent memory was the most recent in a string of such that ate at him. Even his work and a string quintet softly playing soothing music from the speaker of his record player couldn’t take his mind away from his irritating thoughts of earlier that day or yesterday.

Malign sat back in his chair and closed his eyes. He let the incident go through his mind again.

He’d been enjoying a peaceful and uneventful walk heading back home after grocery shopping and, as peaceful and uneventful walks tend to be, it was boring as all hell.

Malign had primed himself fairly nice for a day out. Even if all he was doing were errands and chores he was going to look his best. His maroon coat was brushed out nicely, his matching mane was slicked back stylishly, and he wore his favorite hat which was a shade of brown that complimented his color. Looking good and feeling adequate, he was heading on his way back home trailing a cart of groceries.

Most ponies avoided him on the street. They would go about their day and seemingly go out of their way to act as if he weren’t there. Malign had developed a bit of a history of being a ‘hard-ass landlord’ in Ponyville and this spread out amongst others who were not even his tenants. These were actually a near minority as he owned and lease a significant amount of residential housing. And he was a bit of a hard-ass about it.

He would do things like leave ‘friendly’ reminders on the day his tenants were late with rent. These letters always included the exact date by which he’d be forced to give them a two week notice of eviction. Basically, he was letting them know they a month and a half to pay up or get out. Asshole.

Malign would also make sure to check each and every residence personally to make sure they kept the properties up to spec. If a pony didn’t keep the lawn in order or damaged the household extensively they’d get another ‘friendly’ threat or outright be kicked to the curb after a weeks’ notice. The thing that seemed to get to tenants the most though, was the contracts. Malign enforced the contracts like law and not every breach of contract was evection. Letting a friend live there for too long was risking Malign finding out and raising rent and a threat of a different contract that made that change permanent.

These things and more made the maroon landlord disliked at minimum by his tenants. Some exacerbated stories about his dealings with his tenants made most of the town leave him alone at every chance. Like now, for instance. Walking down the street with a boredom induced look of apathy heavily adorning his face. Ponyville was a good natured town filled with tolerating townsfolk. But… when they don’t like somepony, that pony knows. This is what makes this particular incident weigh heavy in his mind.

Malign was trotting down the street and glancing at the happily chatty and openly friendly ponies enjoying company others while going about their daily routines. Not a one gave him notice, let alone a wave or ‘how do ya do’. He began to let out a sigh when his legs became tangled up with an object that rushed between his legs. Although Malign tripped up, he didn’t fall over. The contents of his grocery cart, however, tumbled mostly into the dirt path.

Letting out an irritated groan, the now disheveled stallion looked back to find the cause of his tripping. What he found was a filly. She could not have been older than four and was doing those motions children do when they’ve actually been hurt and appear to be gathering the energy necessary to wail at the top of their lungs. Malign steeled himself for the onslaught and began to think of things to say to calm the child before she became unbearable. The filly wasn’t given a chance to cry nor was the stallion given a chance to check the girls’ health.

The apparent mother of the foal rushed over and took a protective stance over her child. Malign recognized her as Sweet Spot, a perky mare earth pony with a talent for candy and a tenant. She looked at Malign with fear rather than the rage of a mother as one would expect. She just looked at him for some very uncomfortable moments. As the landlord opened his mouth to apologize, Sweet Spot burst out with her own rambling apology.

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Malign, she just got away from me for a minute and I tried to stop her, really I did, but kids will be kids and she’s only three and… and… I’m sorry!” And with that, she turned heel and fled down the street away from her landlord. By the look on her face any passerby would’ve thought Malign was going to beat her for her child’s accident. In fact, as he looked about the many spectators of the event, many faces bore a disgusted look that said just that.

“This just ridiculous!” he yelled as he gathered up his cart. Keeping his eyes locked forward to avoid eye contact with anypony, Malign stormed home.

And now here he sat in his small, windowless study, massaging his temples in a vain attempt to curb his growing headache.

Figuring that the music wasn’t helping, he stood and moved to the far side of the room to turn off his record player.

“And I was having such an alright day,” he spoke creepily to himself, “until that brat and her mother had to ruin it.” Geeze, prick.

It was just then, wait. Now it was just then that the house began to shake noticeably. The earthquake was unexpected but not to dramatic or damaging. Nothing fell over or broke but some picture frames would undoubtedly be tilted askew. Now that was headache.

As soon as the motions stopped Malign left his study with every intention of going to bed. It was far too early in the morning to worry about inconsequential earthquakes. He was making his way down the hall to his chambers when his ears were assaulted with another strange occurrence; a thunderous explosion. Malign dropped to the floor and covered his ears in surprise as the house raddled a shorter second time.

The explosion definitely came from just outside his house. In a panic, the pony rushed out to investigate.

Malign lived on the outskirts of town, secluded enough from neighbors so that he barely saw them but close enough to annoy him whenever the rare chance arrived. So, there were no other ponies about to see the scene he was presented with. Right in his front lawn was a perfectly round crater. No debris or anything one would expect from an explosion. It was like a part of the lawn was just removed.

Malign hesitantly approached the edge of the strange crater to look about it. He felt woefully unease about the thing and even more so as he approached. However, the feeling left when his eyes fell upon a, uh, thing in the pit.

Now, you and I would know it to be a young woman. Malign however, would see it was some weird minotaur-like alien sitting crossed legged lazily looking around with a confused expression behind it’s squinty eyes and oval glasses.

The pony may have felt a fleeting pang of curiosity but it was almost immediately replaced with outrage at the thing in the crater. The clumsy thing had destroyed his lawn and he wasn’t going to have any of that without a stern tongue lashing. Alien invaders be damned.

“What the fuck are you? You know what!? I don’t care! You’re going to fix my damn lawn even if I have to work you myself! You hear me you hairless monkey alien freak! Don’t just fucking look at me! Say something!”

In response, the creature lifted off a piece of its clothing over its head and discarded it into the dirt as if it were some kind of burden. It then lifted its arms toward Malign and gave him a warm, content smile. To this, Malign had no idea what was happening. Was it some kind of spirit or god offering him some kind of spectacular fate? An alien attempting to breach the language barrier with body language? Perhaps it was a magically misplaced savage from an unknown race that was now confusing him with some kind of god it worshipped?

While he pondered, the thing became impatient. It’s face contorted from its loving smile to an annoyed frown.

“Well, I’m not gonna wait all day! I want go all the way before I wake up.”

First thought in Maligns head was followed by ‘No… that’s just… eww.’ He hoped it meant something else, anything else. Perhaps an actual destination?

“Where… do you want me to take you?” Oh crap! Worded far too wrong! It’ll make a perverted rema-

“Here, anywhere. It’s doesn’t matter. I just want it now.” Oh good great Celestia. This is bad. Let’s continue to hold on to false hope and ask another stupid question.

“Uh, what is it you want… exactly?”

The creature exhaled heavily, obviously annoyed. Snatching up its clothing as it stood, it spoke; “I need you to fuck me. Please don’t beat around the bush, I prefer I not wake up before we’ve even had a chance to start.” It began to make its way out of the hole with uneven steps. Malign took note of the things size. Though not bulky, it certainly dwarfed the pony.

Oh my… It’s going to rape me, he thought. Wait… it thinks it’s asleep? If I can convince it it’s awake, maybe it’ll stop. With plan in mind, Malign spoke.

“Uh, you know what? I don’t think that you’re sleeping and, uh, I’m, uh… Fuck.” What a silver tongue you have there.

“That’s right,” it was almost out of the hole, “I want this to be a real as possible.”

Malign began to back away. Panic sank in as he looked into the beasts eyes. They were overflowing with lust! He tried to speak again but could only stutter. This thing is really going to rape me! I hope it’s female.

Once the thing was out of the hole and towering before him, it bent over and spoke smoothly, “I’m glad you can talk. Much better than an animal with no say in the matter.” It reached out its hand towards the stallion’s face who preceded to jump back and retreat a few steps.

“That’s right! I do have a say and I don’t want to, er, do that with you!”

The creature looked dejected for a moment then quickly perked up. “Whatever, just come ’ere.” it commanded as it began to approach with uneven steps. With that, Malign turned heel and bolted back to the safety of his home. The topless beast took pursuit after a frustrated groan.

Malign beat the thing by a very wide margin. Instead of shutting and barricading the door like a sane pony would, he opted to just stare at the creature. It hadn’t advanced far through the yard in pursuit. In fact, it seemed to barely be able to walk. Getting a broad, more general look of it, the biped seemed tired, pathetic and confused. Definitely confused, I’d say. It kind of wants to alien rape you.

Deep into his musings, Malign didn’t notice that it had closed the gap between them even as he watched it. In a despite attempt to gain a hold on her sexual prey, the alien leapt at the red pony with an outstretched hand. Reacting at the last moment, he slammed the door shut. Right on its left arm.

With a distinct girly wail of pain, it retracted the arm and, for a moment, nothing happened. Malign just stared at the door with an expectation of some inequine feat of strength bursting through the door in the form of the creature in a sex fueled rage. After some more time passed he thought, it… sounded like a mare.

A pang in his chest told him he’d done something wrong. Like most colts, he’d been taught to never hurt a girl, no matter the race or species. Deep in his heart of hearts, Malign knew he’d acted like an idiot in how rashly he’d react- SHE-er-IT TRIED TO RAPE ME!

Fine. The more he thought on the encounter, the more he came to conclude that the confused creature was, in fact, a female. It sounded like a mare, spoke Equestrian like a mare, and um… Was attracted to stallions like a mare? Whatever.

More time passed. Nothing happened. Curiosity eventually overpowered the logical parts of his brain that determined self-preservation and he opened the door to peek about and see why nothing was happening. After all, most beasts thrash out mad when their hurt. Or maybe they run away. Malign didn’t know as he didn’t often deal in beasts.

Eying through a crack in the door he saw nothing. Not hide nor hair of the she-thing. Had he imagined it? Nope. There’s the big ass hole in the lawn. Where was the thing? Malign opened the door further. It seems safe… As the realization struck him that he may have just walked head long into a devilishly devised trap built to play on his manly emotions! he looked to his left and saw the she-thing sitting and clutching ~~it’s~~her injured forearm bent over between her legs. She was sobbing quietly.

She looked over to the pony and babbled out “I’m sorry.” For a long moment, Malign just watched the creature cry while he contemplated what to do. He gave an annoyed sigh as he figured out he was going to do. Thinking that the creature was no longer confused, he might as well check her out and make sure her arm is okay. Cuz, you know, that’s what I’d do after something tries to rape me. Idiot.

As he neared the babbling biped, it shied away from him. It wore a look of confused fear.

“Just let me look at your arm,” he said in a most condescending tone, “As long as you don’t try to jump me, I won’t hurt it.”

With a blush the creature presented Malign her arm. It was bruised and swelling. That probably meant something bad. In fact, he was most sure of that. But he wasn’t a doctor. So…

“You’ll be fine.”

The thingy took back her arm. “You sure? It hurts a lot.”

“How the hell should I know!? I’m not a doctor!” Malign yelled defensively. The biped shrank back at the outburst all teary eyed.

“I’m sorry I asked.”

Following an awkward silence, Malign questioned, “So what were you doing in that hole in my lawn?”

“I don’t know.” Probably the worst reply to give to an impatient pony.

“The fuck do you mean you ‘don’t know’?!”

“I don’t know! I just kinda got here, I guess. I was home and then everything got really loud and I was so scared and I thought it was just a dream and… and…” The creature curled up where she sat and started to bawl.

Malign ran his hoof down his muzzle as he felt his headache return tenfold. Realizing quickly that he wasn’t going to get anywhere this way, he opted for the friendlier alternative.

“Ugh, Perhaps we should discuss this out of the cold and inside with some hot tea?” He tried to give a friendly smile. Tried. Failed. He still looked annoyed.

“I- I don’t really like tea.”

“Just go inside!”

At this outburst, the biped stood and quickly made her way through the open door. She had to duck quite a bit at the portal as it barely reached her diaphragm. Inside, there was just enough room for her to stand. She stood in the center of the room she’d just entered without moving in fear of being yelled at again. This did not, however, stop her from looking about the room. It was very welcome and homely with it’s being warm colored and handsomely furnished. The rooms’ illumination came from electric sconce lightings placed strategically around.

Malign allowed his guest to continue her obvious musings about his house for a small moment before interrupting. “Yeah, it’s a lovely home and all that. Now sit down.” He motioned for her to sit on the couch across from his usual lounge chair.

The couch was very low set. It made sense for ponies but not to the she-thing. Not wanting to ignore the command of her host, she complied awkwardly and looked to Malign who took the lounge chair.

The ensuing uneasy silence was broken when Malign spoke.

“Who are you and what are you and why did you make that hole in my lawn?” His tone was more easy-going this time around. Though still annoyed.

“Uh, I’m Lily. I’m a, uh, a person, I guess and I don’t know.” Honest answers. All of them.

Malign sighed, “You can’t just have poofed up in an unexplained hole in the ground. Do you have amnesia or something? Who sent you? And why did you try to rape me?”

“I’m a victim of circumstance!” She suddenly spat out.

Now was Maligns turn to be taken aback by an outburst. Take that, jerk. “Okay! I’ll leave the sexual assault thing alone then.” He ran his hoof though his mane in frustration. “You don’t know how you got here and made that hole?”

“No. Sorry.” She looked dejected for a moment then perked up. “I’ll fix it though! Somehow.”

“I doubt it. Unless you have some kind of pot-hole filling magic.” He stared at Lily, hiding his secret hope that she did have the power. The sorrowful look told him that no, she didn’t.

“Can I ask a question?” Malign was taken aback for a moment. He didn’t really care enough to answer any question she may have had.

“Fuck. What?”

“Why can you talk?” What a stupid question.

“What? I don’t know. I talk. All ponies talk. It just is.”

“All? There are more talking ponies?” She seems so shocked.

“Yes. Equestria is full of them.” This thing must be stupid, he thought.

“I don’t think I’m in the same… World, I guess, I was in before. Horses aren't supposed to talk.”

“Sounds boring,” Malign said, uninterested.

“What’s your name?”

That dreaded fucking question. It’s like an intelligence test for ponies. Stupid ponies don’t know what malign means. Smart ponies treat him like a jerk just for the name sake. Poor Malign just curses his idiot mother for thinking that it was a good name. It is literally the opposite.

“My name is Malign.”

“Malign,” Lily repeated and thought for a moment. She then smiled and spoke, “That’s a silly name.”

Face-hoof. “Yeah. Silly.” Malign almost spat the word. Of all the extra-dimensional, or planetary or whatever, persons he had to run into, she had to be a sexually confused idiot.

“Well, Lily,” Malign began as he stood, “ It’s been just freaking dandy having you, really, but I think it’s time you leave so I can get to bed and-“

“What?!” Lily became erratic suddenly, “I don’t know where I am! I don’t know where to go! I don’t know how to get home!” She gave Malign the most pleading eyes.

“That’s a shame,” he replied flatly, “Welp, you’d better be off-“

“Please let me stay!”

“Why would I let an attempted rapis-“

“I’m a victim of circumstance!”

“Oh shut up and get out.” He pointed a hoof toward the door.

In response, Lily harrumphed, “Fine. I just sleep in that hole that I don’t know how I made. Or on your porch. Or, uh, I don’t care. Somewhere where I’m sure it’ll inconvenience you.”

Malign rubbed his temple in an effort to keep his migraine from getting any worse. It wasn’t helping.

“Fine just sleep in the guest room until tomor-“ the stallion found himself unable to breathe as he was assaulted with a bear hug by Lily.

“Thank you! Thank you! You’re the best little pony ever!”

Malign managed to push her away, blushing slightly from the first moment of fear that he was about to be raped.

“Yes,” he coughed, “Well, uh, the guest room is right down that way and two doors to the left.”

Lily just smiled and stood to make her way down the hall Malign had pointed out with his hoof. As she walked, Malign followed. Which doesn’t make sense. Why tell someone where to go if you’re going that way? Just take them there, it’s not out of the way. Whatever.

Lily reached her destination and turned to face her host. Malign, however was at a door farther back and opposite her own door. He had it open and was ready to enter when he noticed her notice him. He gave her a look that spoke, ‘You fucking need something?’

As he gestured that he was about to enter the room, the person spoke.

“Malign?” He gave her the look again and she continued, “Thanks. I know everything is weird and stuff. It’s a really nice thing for you to let me stay the night. Good night.” And she entered her room. Finally.

Malign had entered the room and shut the door when a revelation struck him; ‘best pony?’, ‘nice?’ Definitely not something he got called every day. He sighed and shook the thoughts away. It was too damn early to be thinking about the kind words of a rapist. He then wound his alarm clock, slipped into bed and drifted into an uneasy and, unfortunately, short sleep.

Author's Note

Chapter one done. This is something you can legitimately scrutinize. Tell me what you think, strangers of da interwebs.