Lily sat up on the bed she’d been given for the night. Her head swam in thoughts about her situation. Questions like ‘is this life, or just a fantasy?’, ‘am I dreaming?’, and ‘is my arm broken?’ continued to repeat in her head. The pain had become fairly bad, making it hard to sleep as she’d normally slept to be rid of such worries.

There were only so many times in her life where she couldn't have slept 12 or so hours through the night. Most of those few times were spent either sick or in pain and, once or twice, frantically masturbating through a ‘heat’ that she pretended to have. It was a short lived phase.

What was Lilly to do now that she was here; in a world full of horses? Her heart would skip a beat at the thought of fulfilling a fantasy or two but then her heart rate would ease with some common sense. From the sound of things, this wasn’t a world of horses, but of ponies. If she used Malign as a model, these ‘ponies’ were just like people which is a turn off, not generally into things outside of their species which sucks, and are ponies which are… smaller. You know; where it counts.

However, if they were just like people, then she’d just have to do some clever searching and find herself a weirdo kinky stallion that might be into her. There are tons of those kind of people and so ponies. They are really short though. It’s kind of the reverse of the practical problem she’d imagined with horses. She supposed she could just lay on her back missionary style though it takes away from what she’d always wanted. Perhaps it would be more personal then? She imagined it for a moment then cursed that her good hand was in pain. Was it impolite to do that in a strangers house? Probably but she wouldn’t have cared much because Malign was kind of a jerk.

Lilly’s thoughts continued in this way for a while. Curious how potentially being stranded in a complete different world/dimension/reality/what-the-fuck-ever alongside creatures she knew next to nothing about and knew nothing about her in return seemed to escape her. The idiot musings stopped abruptly when a loud rhythmic knocking at the front door started and didn’t seem to stop.

Malign doesn’t sleep much, but when he does he’s out there’s not much that can wake him.

Except his Celestia-damned nerves.

-KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK-

It crept into his dreamless sleep and begged his attention. The knocking seemed to speak; ‘Wake up, Malign. Please? Just for a little while. That is, if you don’t mind.’ All the while it kept a teasing and annoyingly impolite tone.

-KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- “FINE YOU DAMNED ASSHOLE I’M AWAKE!” -KNOCK- -KNOCK-

The red stallion sat up abruptly and, with authority, threw his blanket off of himself. He threw his hooves onto the floor, marched out his room and down the hall, and through his living room in the dark. Malign had to have bumped into every piece of furniture he owned as he made his way and swore each time he made a hoof-fall. Lights switched on, door swung open, the little pony was ready to berate the nuisance.

Too bad that on the other side of the portal was the captain of the Militia Guard. A large, well-aged unicorn that commanded an aura of respect, he still wore his Royal Guard barding despite being many years retired from the old drill sergeant days. The intimidating stallion neglected to wear his helmet as he often did, showing off his dark indigo mane handsomely streaked with gray and his beloved mustache. His white coat seemed ruffled, his expression seemed annoyed, and he was looking right at Malign.

Before the red pony could muster a meek ‘fine morning officer?’ the captain simply walked into his house. Malign offered no resistance and gave the imposing pony a wide birth. He was trailed by two more ponies; a white unicorn stallion in full metal barding wearing a serious look and a dark yellow pegasus mare in less protective Militia Guard barding who was stifling a yawn.

With a low, coarse voice the captain speaks; “Well… Everything seems to be in order.”

“Since you’ve barged into my home with my permission,” Malign spoke, obviously unsettled but trying to appear begrudged more than scared, “Perhaps you could let me know if there is something I can do for you, Captain Blackthorn? Maybe you just need to know the time? It’s four a.m.”

The captain turned his head toward the homeowner and smiled, his mustache following the contours of his mouth. “Malign. I’ve known you most all of your life. How can you not break your habit of referencing my title and surname when you’re being dishonest? Come on now, lad. What happened?”

“What ever do you mean, Cap- Mister Cane?” Malign smiled. Don’t smile. It’s not helping.

“I was awoken from a very peaceful sleep twenty minutes ago with reports from your neighbors that there was a terrible explosion at this place. Given that there is a sizable crater in your front lawn that yields no debris or damage to any area outside of it, I’m perplexed as to what kind of explosions you were setting off in the wee hours of the morning.” Cane kept a relaxed smile present on his face. It would have been pleasant and reassuring if not for the knowledge that it meant he was a just a moment away from berating the poor land owning pony with enough tact to make even completely asinine things seem punishable.

“And yet not a one came to see if I was okay. My guess is that they immediately assumed I made the explosion with my imaginary mystical power to break the dimensional divide and summon some kind of demon.” Actually a half-truth right there. Well, maybe a third-truth. Fourth?

Without any seeming reason, the captain decided to change the direction of the conversation, “How’s your mother been?”

Malign gladly took the opportunity to avoid the matter at hand, er, hoof. “Fine. Still in Canterlot.” Unlike you. The ex-drill sergeant was a neighbor growing up. An annoying, overbearing, I-Want-to-Be-Your-Father-figure like asshole that sought to cast down his ‘good intentioned’ discipline down upon the single parented foal because the hardworking mother couldn’t possibly find the time to raise her child right. Just when the mild mannered Malign thought he’d moved out and started to make his way in the world in a peaceful little town down far away from his useless family and damned neighbors, HE FUCKING RETIRED TO THE SAME DAMN TOWN!

“You know, that’s the same answer you give me every time I ask.” Cane gave the younger stallion a wry smile. Why? To show off that excellent mustache, of course!

“When the situation changes, you’ll be the first to know. I promise.” Malign spoke flatly but returned the larger, more intimidating pony’s smile with his own mocking version.

“I see you’ve relaxed a bit after that bit of impertinent behavior. Perhaps we could sit down and listen to your explanation of that strange crater in your front lawn,” after a moment of thought he added, “And this mention of a demon?”

Malign visually resisted a face-hoof. “I was joking.”

“Only partially. I can tell when you’re lying. I’m going to get the truth out of you yet, lad.” The way he said ‘lad’ just seemed so threatening. I swear, thought Malign, if he starts to lecture me, I’ll hit him. Captain of the Militia Guard or not.

This is the scene that Lily could barely hear or get a glimpse of from her peek out her door. Tensions mounting, tempers being tempted, wise-crack half-insults were being kind of used, she guessed. The girl could hardly make out the words but the big pony with the cute little mustache sounded really serious just now.

This all cumulated on this on pertinent thought; Why hide her? Malign obviously hasn’t seen a human before and, victim of circumstance or not, he thought she tried to rape him. Why not just point out the mysterious otherworldly rapist shouting ‘TAKE IT AWAY! DISECT IT ALIVE!’ … ?

It was kinda… romantic? Not in the ‘love’ way but kind of in that way. Whatever. What was going through Lilys mind was that Malign had turned into some kind of hapless hero who’d taken it under his charge to protect the wayward beauty. If wayward meant ‘almost rapist’, it’d be true.

“…And furthermore… You paying attention, lad?” While we were away in Lilys brilliant mind Captain Cane had indeed gone on a mini tirade on the virtues of honesty. Malign was somehow becoming redder in the face as his anger grew. I really am going to deck him this time. This quickly changed as his heart dropped in terror at the very mention of his name.

“Malign?” Lilly asked from down the hall, still unseen.

The pony in question simply stood and watched silently as he watched Canes expression change from an initial look of surprise in the direction of the voice to a very wide grin in Maligns direction.

“Oh ho ho!”

“No… Just… Ugh.” The red pony reddened again. In embarrassment this time.

“And here I thought you were just trying to get under my skin again. So that’s what, or rather who, you were trying to hide from me?”

“You… I… it… Fuck.” Malign looks right at the floor.

“No need to be embarrassed, lad. It’s not like we’ve caught you in the act or anything.” Malign groaned at the thought of the alien and himself being… caught.

“I would like to know who this mare is. Come on out, dear!” Freak out time.

Malign started to push on the larger stallion in the direction of the exit. “Yes well it’s time for you all to go. I have indeed been porking some unfortunate mare and it’s all well and good and all that but privacy and stuff. You know how it goes. Now if you. Would. Just. Move. How are you so heavy?” Despite how desperately he pushed, he couldn’t get the larger, older stallion to move at all.

“Come now lad, company or not, you’ve still got an explosion to explain… about?” Canes attention was taken away from Malign to the sound of footsteps slowly falling in their direction from the hallway. This immediately raised suspicions for the captain as ponies usually make a clip clop sound.

The homeowner swore under his breath and squeezed his muzzle with his fetlock in annoyance as the alien stepped into full view of the group standing in the living room. As she made her final foot step, she tempered the sound with a resounding ‘um’.

There was a long uncomfortable pause. The two cadets who accompanied their superior remained ridged with a look of fear and confusion mixed on their faces. The captain kept a cool yet oddly firm look of interest as he stared into the face of Lily. She had started to say something when Cane interrupted.

“Well, Malign, I should say that this is quite the surprise!” He turned to Malign with a smirk, his mustache slightly askew with the expression, “Here I thought you more of a ‘traditional’ stallion. Really, you are the last pony who I would think to engage in interspeci-“

“NO!” Malign burst out. Seething rage built up but couldn’t quite find its exit from the red stallions’ mouth through his clenched teeth. He did his best to keep his toothy flood gates shut in an effort to not outright curse at the seasoned ex-royal guard. “Fuck! URGH! You! ARGH! BUH! GAW! I should! ERGH! DAMN IT!” Malign slammed his haunches on the floor and sat upright for balance before attempting to sooth away the ever growing colossal migraine with both hooves.

“Now, now, my boy! That’s not any kind of language to use around a… erm.” Cane made a gesture for Lilys attention, “A lady?” She nods. “Yes, quite. I pardon my rude question but I’m afraid I don’t know your species. You seem a little like a Minotaur. What, pray tell, are you?”

Lily was taken aback by a few things. The way the ‘cop pony’ seemed to just ignore the fact he was essentially talking to an alien being and the mention of Minotaurs. She’d totally forgotten what she risked discovery for. It was something about keeping the nice red pony from getting in trouble with the law. Or something. I dunno.

“I- I’m a human. Um…”

“Wait,” Malign slips in, “I thought you said you were a ‘person’.”

“A person?” the captain askes, “You mean the word you use instead of pony when in mixed species company?”

“Uh,” the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind as it should have, “Well… fuck. I don’t know. That’s just what she said. I’m tired.”

“Um,” Lily interjects, “What’s that about Minotaurs?”

“Don’t worry about that, dear.” Cane gives her a comforting smile, “Now care to tell us your name?”

“I’m Lily.” For some reason she gives the elder pony a very Asian bow.

“It’s nice to meet you, Lily. I’m Blackthorn Cane, Captain of the Militia Guard that volunteers out of Ponyville. Did you make that hole in the front lawn?”

“Maybe.”

“I don’t like working with uncertainties, dear. Maybe yes? Or maybe no?”

“Uh,” She could feel the pony adding pressure with the words he used. How could he do that and still sound so polite? “I don’t think I made it but I certainly came with it.”

The captain seemed to consider this for a moment before saying, “Alright. So, why are you here?”

“Um… I don’t know. I think I’m just lost or something. I was just minding my own business in my room when everything got loud and spun and then… well, now I’m here.”

“Just poof! Nothing more?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Captain Cane rubbed his chin in thought. He looked at Malign who promptly rolled his eyes then to the front entrance and finally on Lily. “I think I know what I’m going to have to do.”

Lily suddenly dropped to her knees to be eye level with the captain pony and pled, “Please don’t arrest Malign!”

“I hadn’t planned on it.” The stallion was caught off guard with the outburst. “What makes you think I was going to?”

“Well, you seemed to be really suspicious of him and stuff…”

“Oh?” Cane laughed, “No, dear! I was just teasing the lad. I’ve known young Malign and his mother for years. Since he was a colt, in fact. Just a bit a sport between old friends.”

“Flipping dandy,” Malign interrupted, “Could you please continue with what you were going to say about this whole situation?” If Malign sounds incredibly tired and annoyed, that’s because he was.

“Oh right. Well, Miss Lily is going to be staying with you for a few days.”

“WHAT?!” Malign shouted, “WHY?”

“I’m going to need a place to keep her well out of sight, as it were, while I write to the princess about this and prepare a speech to ease her into the town. You know how skittish the locals are with living next to the Everfree and all.”

“But why here?! Why Me!?” Maligns face was pleading and desperately wanted a way out. Off his face, I mean. He really didn’t want to be there.

“You already have a room for her, have you not? Extending her accommodations for a few days until I get everything sorted shouldn’t be the end of the world I’m sure.”

“But this- this- human tried to-“

Lily suddenly burst out, “I’m a victim of circumstance!”

The elder stallion took a moment to look the human girl up and down before saying, “Quite. Anyway, Malign. I’ll send Cadet Perky to check in on you tomorrow.” The captain turns and makes a gesture and the three militia guard start toward the door.

“You can’t be serious! I can’t just have it living with me!” Malign trailed after the captain as he made his way to the exit.

“Oh bosh. You could really use the company.”

“Then I’ll have some friends over!” Malign stopped at the door as the trio passed through.

Cane laughed and said “Friends. Ha!” as he exited the house. Malign promptly slammed the door shut.

“I fucking HATE that stallion! I should have just hit him!” Malign gave Lily a hateful stare, “And now I’m stuck with you.”

“Um… Malign?”

“Fuck. What?” the red pony had begun to massage his temples again.

“Mister Cane… had a horn.”

“Yeah. So?”

“Why?”

The pony slammed his fore hooves onto the hardwood floor. “I’m not putting up with this bullshit! I’m going to bed!” Malign marched his way toward his room. Along the way he muttered something like “Doesn’t even know what unicorns are…”

Outside, the trio of guards was making their way back to the town proper.

Perky the pegasus cleared her throat.

“Yes, dear?” Captain Cane responded.

“Was it really a good idea to leave the, uh, human back there, sir? I mean, I trust your judgment and all, but we don’t know what she’s capable of. That and Malign isn’t really the best… erm, pony.”

“Oh don’t worry now, dear. The lad can step up when a situation calls for it. Besides worst case scenario is they don’t get along and Malign drives the human in a fit of rage. We corral it up and we settle,” Cane gives and exasperated sigh at the thought, “yet another panic.”

“I’d put my money on that,” speaks the younger unicorn stallion, “How long would you give them, sir?”

Captain Cane laughed. “Two days.”

Author's Note

I finish this chapter in honor of Hypocrit, an asshole.

Also, Blackthorn canes.