Appleloosan

“What is that thing doing here?” she shouted.

“I’m sorry, what seems to be the problem?” I poked my head out into the aisle to see an angry hostess, standing over an overturned food cart. The other one was just staring at her.

“The problem is that you’re here!” she said, glaring at me. “I was promised that I wouldn’t be put on any flights with you... freaks!”

“Freaks? Really?”

At this point, Gem flew out of his seat, climbing over my head. “What’s going on?”

“This lady thinks we’re freaks,” I sighed.

“She what?” Gem laughed.

“Sit down, shut up,” she commanded, staring at Gem. He obeyed. “Now fix this!”

“...fix it?” he tilted his head to the side.

“Fix it!”

“I’m sorry, but, fix what?” I asked.

“This!” she pointed at us. “This whole thing! I know you two know how!”

“Well, y’see, the thing is...” Gem said. “We don’t.”

“You...” she stuttered. “I know you know, so fix it!”

“No, we don’t know, we just woke up like this a few days ago, and even if we knew, we’re not unicorns, we don’t have the kind of magical abilities required to ‘fix’ this,” I explained, calmly.

“What?”

“I’m sorry,” I smiled. “Did I stutter? Allow me to repeat myself. We. Can’t. Fix. This. We. Don’t. Know. How.”

“I know you can! Just... just call up one of your unicorn friends!”

“Sorry, while I have made a few friends on my travels - and a few enemies, but that’s besides the point - I have yet to meet a unicorn,” I said. “Can I get back to my nap now?”

“No, you can’t! Send out some message or something!” she shouted. “Fix this or... or...”

“Or what?” I asked. “You kill us? I don’t think that’ll send a very positive message. Then again, you really haven’t done much towards sending positive messages. I mean, ‘People Against Ponies’? Against the only people that are actually doing something to help?”

“You are not people, you are animals!” she shouted.

“And again, not sending a very positive message,” I smiled. “That comment could get PeTA on your backs, and you don’t really want that. You know how crazy they can be.”

Of course, while I was talking, she had somehow sneaked a gun in front of my muzzle. Oh, great, this is that kind of attack.

“Find a way to fix it, or I shoot,” she glared.

“Really? You’re gonna-”

“I’m not joking!” she shouted, pushing the gun up against my nose. “Fix it, or I kill both of you!”

“I don’t think you want to do that,” Gem said. “I mean, really? Murdering us?”

“It’s not murder!” she shouted. “You’re just animals!”

“No, stop, or you’ll summon PeTA!” I laughed. “No! Not terribly-made parody flash games!”

What the hay are ya doing?

I’m making jokes because otherwise I might panic, okay?

“Shut up or I shoot!”

“Well go ahead and shoot, ‘cause I ain’t shuttin’ up!”

Do you want to get us killed?

No, because I’ll have some clever plan, and we’ll get out of this.

What’s your plan?

I don’t have one yet, but I promise, it’s brilliant.

I could see her hand twitching, her eyes staring into mine, the rage behind them. And my calm gaze back. Come on, any second now, some brilliant plan will hatch in my head. I just have to stall long enough...

“What are you playing at?” she asked.

I just tiled my head to the side. There, that’ll buy a few seconds. Every second counts...

“I said, what-”

“Oh, no, I heard you, don’t worry,” I said. “We’re not really playing at anything.”

“Then what is all this about?”

“Oh, I’m just stalling for time waiting for something brilliant to happen,” I smiled. “Any second now...”

Silence.

“Um, I don’t think anything’s gonna happen...” Gem said, a worried tone creeping into his voice.

Come on, please now, please please...

“You better tell me right now what the fuck you’re planning, or else I-”

“Ladies and gentlemen,” a voice rang out around the plane cabin from the small speakers set sporadically in the ceiling, “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but we’re going to have to make an emergency landing in Halifax, Nova Scotia. I’m sure you all understand why. Could everyone please return to their seats, and all staff return to the back, we are beginning our descent.”

“Well? Go on, to the back,” I smiled, as the plane started to descend. I slid back into my seat, and put my seatbelt on. She just glared at me, walking towards the back of the plane. The other hostess picked up the cart, rolled her eyes, and made her way along behind her.

“I’d say that went rather well,” I turned to Gem, smiling.

“Dude.” Gem just stared at me. “You could’ve gotten us both killed!”

“But I didn’t!”

“But- how does that make sense?” he yelled.

“It makes perfect sense,” I said, leaning back in my seat. “You’re still alive, so be happy.”

“I... dammit, you’re right,” he slumped back in defeat.

I just sat there, with a big dumb smile on my face, looking out the window. “We’ll land in Halifax, and take another flight to New York, right?”

“Do we have enough money?”

“Of course we do, we still have several hundred,” I sighed. “It’ll all be fine...”

>> FFW >>

“What do you mean, we can’t go?!” Gem shouted, hovering in front of the man at customs.

“You can’t go because you don’t have your passport, sir.”

“Passport? Why would we need a passport?” Gem asked.

“Because that’s how security works, sir. If I don’t see a legitimate passport, you can’t go through customs.”

“Look at me,” I said. “I’m a pony.”

“I can see that, sir.” He sighed.

“Yes. That means that, ever since just a few days ago, I don’t match the picture on the passport. Do you see my point?”

“Get the picture retaken, sir. To match your current appearance.”

“But then we’ll miss the flight!” Gem shouted.

“Yes. I’m sorry, sir, but that’s how customs works. The only ponies that can get through without a passport are the only ones that urgently need to get to New York: The Elements.”

“Oh, well why didn’t you say so?” I smiled. “I just so happen to be the Element of...”

Think, think, think!

“...Apple!”

Pause.

Facehoof.

“I’m sorry, sir,” he deadpanned, “but I’ve been given a list of what Elements there are, and ‘Apple’ is not among them. Furthermore, according the basic description which I have been given, none of them are green. And, while one of them is similar to...”

“Name’s Braeburn,” I said.

“...right. While one of them is similar to Braeburn here, he’s got the colors the wrong way round, and only has one apple on his rear, as opposed to the three specified in this description. I’m sorry, sirs. Try harder next time.”

I sighed, and turned away.

“What do we do now?” Gem asked, flying along behind me.

I shrugged. “I have no idea,” I admitted.

“Well, then...”

“Wait...” Idea! “Wait a minute! How did you know I was in trouble?”

“Well, I saw your video...” I could see the realisation slowly dawning on him. “That’s it! We send out a video!”

“Exactly!” I grinned, pulling out my phone. “We just need to find an open internet spot.”

“Well, this airport is bound to have free wi-fi somewhere, right?"

I nodded. “Right. But first, we need to find a place with good lighting. And something that advertises our position.”

“Who cares about landmarks, just say where we are! Right?”

“Okay, sure, that works too,” I sighed, looking around. “This looks like a good place.”

I held up the phone. Dammit, this is so awkward to use with hooves...

Click.

“Hey, guys!” I said into the camera. “Right, so, I’m kinda lost. The good news is, I’m on the right side of the globe, at least. The bad news, I’m on the wrong side of the border.”

“And I’m here too!” Gem pushed his way into the shot, almost causing me to drop the camera.

“That’s nice, Gem, but can you please not almost make me drop the phone?” I asked. “Seriously. Anyway,” I looked back into the camera, “I’m in Halifax, Nova Scotia, just in front of the airport now, and I realise that advertising my position like that might be dangerous, but it’s the only chance I have of making it to New York. What’ll I do there? I have no idea. But at least I’ll be there and have a chance to help. So, yeah. Help!”

I clicked the camera off. The video saved.

“Right, now connect! Free internet! Woo!” Gem raced away back into the airport.

I sighed, and followed.

>> FFW >>

“Right, there, it’s uploading.”

“Do you really think this’ll work?” Gem asked.

“Well, it’s our only chance,” I stated. “Unless you want to risk flying there.”

Gem stood in silence for a moment, then nodded. “Yeah, I don’t wanna do that.”

Silence.

“...so what now?”

“Well,” I said, “now we wait.”

“Brilliant.” Gem flumped down onto the ground. “I love waiting.”

Silence again.

Wait...

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“I just realised,” I said, eyes wide.

“Yes?”

“We’re in Canada.”

“Congratulations on your excellent observation,” Gem snarked.

“No, I’m serious!” I shouted. “We’re in a completely different part of the world! We’re on another continent!”

“Calm down,” Gem sighed, looking away.

“‘Calm down’?!” I grinned. “Do you know how great this is? I’ve never even been outside of Europe, and now this whole pony thing means I get to go to Canada!”

“And it also almost gets you killed,” Gem pointed out.

“But who cares? I’m in a completely new place! I... I just...”

“Yes?”

“...I don’t know,” I flumped down beside Gem. “I’m just... overwhelmed, I guess. By the thought that there’s so much I haven’t seen yet. So much more to see. And the only chance I get of seeing it is to get involved in all this pony-pocalypse crap.”

“Well done. Brilliant. Really.”

“Gem. Have you ever been-”

“No, I’ve never been outside of the UK before this,” he sighed.

“So why are you not excited?”

“Because I don’t care,” he said. “I have other things on my mind right now. Like the fact that I’m a magical talking green pegasus.”

“Turquoise.”

“What?”

“You are turquoise, not green. Sorry, that’s been bugging me since the guy described you.”

“Alright, then,” he blinked.

And so we sat there, waiting.

“Anything yet?” Gem asked after a few minutes.

I checked. “No comments. No views. How did you find my last one?”

“Someone sent me a link,” he shrugged.

“Who was it?”

“I don’t know, some username I can’t remember.”

“Okay, thanks,” I sighed. “That helps.”

“Sorry, I just can’t remember. I deleted the message afterwards.”

“Why?”

“Well, because... I... I can’t remember,” he admitted.

“So, someone you don’t know sent you a link to a video, which only had a couple of views at that point,” I tried to make sense of the situation, “and then you delete the message for no reason?”

“Yeah, basically,” he smiled.

I just stared at him in silence for a few moments. “Okay, then.”

Hello? You there? You’ve been quiet for a while, I’m getting worried.

Huh- wha...?

Wonderful. You’re still here.

Yep! I’m still here!

Yes, that’s what I just said.

“I just realised,” Gem snapped me out of my conversation with the pony in my head. “We should change our money.”

“Hmm, what?”

“We’re in Canada, as you so gleefully pointed out,” he explained. “Canada uses Canadian Dollars. We need to change our British Pounds into Canadian Dollars.”

“Oh. Right. That.” I nodded. “...you go do that.”

“Alright. I’m gonna need the money, though.”

“Oh. Yeah.” I reached into my bag, pulling out the wallet and handing it over to Gem.

“Thank you,” he nodded, and walked away, returning a while later carrying my wallet in his mouth. He dropped it onto the ground. “There.”

“Thanks.” I picked it up and stuffed it back into my bag.

“I’m hungry,” Gem groaned. “Pass me an apple.”

I peered into the bag. “Sorry, all out.”

“Really? I can still smell apples...” He sniffed around, looking puzzled, before staring at me, wide-eyed. “Oh.”

“What?”

“You smell of apples.”

I just stared at him. Then snorted. Then giggled. Which turned into full-on laughter, rolling on the ground.

“Dude, you okay?”

“I... I’m fine,” I managed to recover.

“You sure about that?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, then,” he said. Then he seemed to perk up. “Oh! You asked him yet?”

“What?”

“Well, you said you’d ask him next chance you got...”

“Ask who? Ask what?”

He sighed. “I’m gonna have to spell it out for you, aren’t I? Ask Braeburn if he’s gay.”

Blink. Nod. “Alright.”

Hey, Braeburn?

Don’t worry, I got that. The answer... I don’t know. I’m still kinda confused about it.

“He says he’s confused about it,” I parroted back to Gem.

“Alright,” he nodded. “Well, hopefully he’ll figure it out.”

“Okay, then.”

Silence again.

“Anything yet?” Gem asked.

“Lemme check...” I pulled out the phone, checking the video. “Yep! One comment.”

“Ooh! Read it, read it!”

“Okay, okay, calm down. ‘I’m sorry to hear that,’” I read.“‘I can’t come and meet you, but if you head over to Montreal, we can meet up, and I could get you past the border.’”

I looked up.

“Well, sounds perfectly safe!”