Clop Fiction

the pony situation

A sudden tear had appeared in the bright blue sky above the outskirts of Ponyville. A brown unicorn with an afro-like hairdo and a white unicorn with a slick mane dropped out of the tear, and landed straight on the ground, on their sides and their backs facing each other. A few seconds later, two pistols fell straight on their heads.

"That fucking hurt, can't you remember to store your gun properly?" Jules asked.

"It wasn't just mine that landed on your thick skull," Vincent retorted.

Jules ignored the weak insult and attempted to stand up.

"Vincent, can you help me up? For some reason I can't get on my feet."

"I would, but I can't."

"You should really lay off those damn quarter pounders."

"Weight isn't the problem. Take a quick look at yourself."

Jules took a quick look at his body; He no longer had arms, hands, or feet. Instead, he had hooves, four of them.

"We're in some deep shit, my friend."

"Yeah, now you know why I can't move."

"Try rolling over to your left, I'll roll to my right. Go!"

The two hitmen (or rather, hitstuds) did exactly that, but Vincent rolled twice, knocking himself into Jules.

"Ow, mothafucka, watch where you're going!"

"Sorry. We're gonna have to get used to this."

"Alright, now, try rolling onto your feet. Roll to your right this time, I don't want you to get on top of me and attract unwanted atten-"

"I think I get it."

Vincent rolled again, this time he managed to stop and put himself in a laying position. He put his two front hooves in front of him, and tried standing on his back hooves. To the pair's disbelief, Vincent had finally managed to stand up.

"Well, that was easy enough, I guess. Your turn."

Jules did exactly what Vincent did, though it took him a bit longer since he had trouble stopping at the correct time.

"Alright, now that we're through with that shit, what do we do now?" Jules asked.

"I think we should head into that town. If we're gonna get back to L.A., we need to find someone who knows how to get outta here and into our world," replied Vincent.

"Good idea, but we look pretty fuckin' weird right now. What if they start shooting at us?"

"I think that since we became this way when we got here, the people here might be the same way."

"What about our guns? How the hell are we gonna pick those up?"

"We could grab them with our mouths."

"We need somewhere to store them, muthafucka! What do you think they'll do if they see us with those? You think they'll be all like "Ooh, what are those bright shiny metal things you have"? I don't think so!"

"Just trust me, man. This place looks pretty unadvanced, besides, I doubt they even have guns here. Remember, the people are probably just like us, do you think they would even be able to build a gun, much less know what one looks like?"

"And what if you're wrong?"

"Then you can piss and moan at me for the rest of our days about how I was wrong."

"Hmm...see any mounds of dirt around here?"

"Yeah, there's a little dirt mound close to where we fell."

"I say we pick up the guns, drop 'em into that mound, and cover it up with some of this loose grass right here."

"I guess that's a better plan."

Jules let out a sigh. The two hitstuds walked (or rather, trotted) over to their pistols, lowered their heads, and grabbed the grips with their mouths. They raised their necks back into the neutral position, then walked over to the dirt mound. They lowered their necks again, and carefully set the guns in the dirt mound. Then they went over to the loose grass, grabbed a bunch of it with their teeth, and set them on the weapons. After that, they made their way into Ponyville.

five minutes later

A pink pony with an oversized bouncy mane spotted two new visitors approaching Ponyville. She quickly hopped her way to them, anxious to meet them and give a warm Ponyville welcome.

"Y'know Jules, maybe we should take our time. I mean, it doesn't look like a bad place, looks pretty peaceful, Hell, it seems like a nice place to stop and smell the roses. We could just explain to Marsellus that we ran into a few complications in getting back the briefca-" Vincent was quickly interrupted by an energetic pink citizen who could easily pass for an irredeemable crack addict.

"WELCOOOOOME TO PONYVILLLLLE! I'm Pinkie Pie, I'll be your tour guide! Oh hey, that rhymes! Anyway, you two must be...?"

Jules and Vincent were nearly frozen in shock. There was silence for about 30 seconds before finally Jules spoke up.

"Uh, yeah, my name's Jules, this is my partner Vincent. We don't need no tour guide, can you just step asi-"

"Jules and Vincent, huh...? Well, we're just gonna have to throw you a..." Pinkie suddenly donned a birthday party hat.

"...JULES AND VINCENT WELCOME PARTY!!"

"Look, you little wh..." Vincent was silenced when he saw a stern look from Jules in the corner of his eye. Jules spoke up next.

"We appreciate your kind offers, madam. But we really really insist on figuring this place out for ourselves. Also, we could do without a party. Right, Vincent?"

"Yeah, right, Jules."

"Well, if that's alright with you! I'll just be going now, but is there anything you need?" Asked Pinkie.

Jules noticed a large castle in the very far distance.

"Yeah, what's that place over there?" Jules pointed his hoof at the castle.

"Oh, over there? That's Canterlot, where Princess Celestia and Princess Luna live! Me and my friends once crashed the Galloping Gala, turns out we made it a heck of a lot funner! Oh, do you know what the Galloping Gala is? It's this neat litt-"

"Sounds great, but we really should be going now," interrupted Jules.

"Alrighty, well, see ya around!" said Pinkie with a caring, adoring smile as she bounced away into Ponyville.

"And you said we should stop and smell the roses," said Jules. "I don't think you were ever so wrong before."

"I retract that statement. I think we should get the fuck out of here as fast as possible," replied Vincent. "But can I tell you a joke first?"

"Fine, go ahead."

"What do they call a Quarter Pounder in Canterlot?"

"What?"

"...A Royal with Cheese."

"...Not cool, muthafucka. Not funny, either. In fact, that doesn't even make sense. We don't even know if this goddamned land of pink demons even uses a metric system, much less one called "Royal"! Really, man, you need to think before you spe-"

"Alright, I get it. Let's go."

Shortly afterwards, the pair made their way into the center of the town. A few minutes later, they were in (what they hoped was) the main square. Jules was somewhat curious about the people around him.

"Man, you will not believe how fuckin' spooky this is," said Jules, who seemed more perplexed than disturbed. "They don't even have hands, how the fuck were they even able to build these homes 'n shit?"

"Maybe divine intervention happened to these poor fuckers," retorted Vincent.

"Or maybe they got humans to do it?"

"I doubt that, it doesn't seem like humans even know about this place. I mean, aside from us, anyway, and probably Marsellus."

"Marsellus, huh. If he knows about this, I'm tempted to have a nice long talk with the asshole before I'm retiring."

"Wait, you're retiring?"

"Yeah, after that little incident from earlier, I've decided that's it for me."

"Sure, you're gonna have a nice long talk with Marsellus, maybe invite him for tea, and tell him you wanna quit because of some miracle voodoo type of shit? I bet you ten-thousand..." Vincent realized that the currency in this world probably isn't dollars, so he walked over to a random pony and asked him what the name of the currency was. "I bet you ten-thousand bits that he'll laugh his ass off at you."

"And I don't care if he does, after all, I won't have to see him again after that."

"Meh, I guess it's whatever you wanna do, man. Just remember if you change your mind you probably won't be welcomed back."

"Got it, now let's move on."

As the duo continued trotting through the town, they noticed a unicorn's horn glowing, and a flower sandwich glowing too. The unicorn used magic to lift the sandwich and take a bite.

"Vincent...you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

"These horns do have a point after all. Not the sharp kind, either."

"We need to learn how to use these fuckin' things."

"But where would we go for that?"

Jules took a look around him. He noticed a tree-like house a few feet away from him.

"I get the feeling we should go in there." Jules pointed his hoof at the tree-like house.

"Lead the way."

The duo pranced over to the front door of the tree-like house, and Vincent knocked three times. They stood there patiently, waiting for someone to answer. When nobody answered for about two minutes, Vincent knocked again. They heard a very young male voice yell "I'll get it!"

Just then, the door opened swiftly. A baby dragon stood in front of the two mobsters.

"Can I help you two?" Asked the baby dragon.

Jules coughed and spoke up. "Yes, we need to learn how to use these horns. Anyplace we could go for that?"

The baby dragon looked at the two unicorns suspiciously, taking a mental note of their voices and size.

"You two are adult unicorns and you don't know how to use your horns? Seems odd."

Vincent spoke. "Yeah, uh, me and my friend here were knocked over the head and we lost some of our memories, including how to use..." Vincent paused mid-speech. He suddenly realized what he saw the unicorn use earlier. "...Magic."

The baby dragon thought to himself for a few seconds. He turned around and yelled out loud to someone.

"TWILIIIIGHT! There's two guys here who forgot how to use magic!"

The two mobsters and the baby dragon heard another voice.

"In a minute, Spike. I need to finish reading this page of "An Expert's Guide to Self-Levitation"!"

The three boys saw a purple unicorn, presumably Twilight, walking down the stairway.

"Seriously, Spike. Every day there's always gotta be somethi-" Twilight froze when she saw the two unicorns standing outside her door.

"Afternoon ma'am, I think your friend here told you what we need assistance with," said Jules.

"New visitors to Ponyville?! I haven't even gotten your names! Allow me to introduce myself; I'm Twilight Sparkle, faithful student of Princess Celestia."

"Twilight, I don't think they're new visitors, I mean, I haven't seen them before, but they said that they lost thei-"

Spike was cut off mid-sentence by Jules. "Pleasure to meet you, ma'am. My name is Jules, this is my partner, Vincent."

"Jules and Vincent...hmm. You two must be a duo?" asked Twilight.

"That's right. Anyway, do you know where we could go to learn how to use magic?" replied and asked Vincent.

"Absolutely; here!" replied Twilight with an enthusiastic yet reassuring smile.

"You want us to go in your house...?" asked Jules somewhat suspiciously.

"Yes, after all, all you need is education on magic, correct?"

Spike shrugged and walked back upstairs, presumably to nap. Nobody noticed.

"That's correct, ma'am." replied Vincent.

"Well, feel free to come in. Just don't be too rowdy or anything, but make yourselves comfortable." Twilight went to her bookshelf and started carefully looking through her massive collection of books.

"It's like she wants us to come in and start shit, man," whispered Vincent to Jules. "What if she thinks we're some random thugs who wanna rape her or mug her or some shit?"

"Well, we're not here to start shit. We're here to learn magic so we can defend ourselves in case we run into trouble, then learn how to get the fuck back to L.A." whispered back Jules.

The two hitstuds trotted into Twilight's house, then Vincent lightly kicked the door closed with his back hoof. The duo took a long look inside the house, but then their eyes turned to the massive bookshelf.

"She must be a steady reader. Man, I'm tellin' ya, what if she planned this whole thing out?" whispered Vincent to Jules, again. Jules responded with a quiet "shh".

Twilight had grabbed a stack of books using a levitation spell, then set them on a nearby desk.

"So, who's ready for their first lesson?" asked Twilight with a smile.