Patient Zero

A bell chimed from the doorway of the building. It had only been ten minutes since the ribbon of Colgate Dentistry had been cut and the door already saw its first patient. Apparently Colgate’s acts of kindness worked wonders as an advertisement. Two months had passed since she moved here and lived her new life. Those two months were riddled with obstacles beyond count. On her very first day she had encountered her nemesis, the Doctor, who now pestered her regularly. Ever since she argued with the Doctor outside her welcome party, she had noticed plenty of whisperers dogging her, and in the case of a certain Lyra Heartstrings, the whispers were loud questions and occasional abductions and interrogations. This town took to rumors like trees to a wildfire, and when their misguided fantasies of Colgate and the Doctor being together were cut down, the ponies latched on to a new fictional romance – her and Twilight.

Colgate had nothing against such relationships or Twilight – in fact, they were indeed friends, but she was friends with the other ponies who hung out around her as well. The six were usually at the center of the scene, so every now and then they would interact, especially with Colgate’s tendency to attract troublesome situations. Her application for a permit; the one that would allow her to build her office – was accompanied by a brand new pony named Red Tape who declared, most likely on a whim, that he had feelings of attraction towards her, much to her annoyance, and the joy of the rest of Ponyville. The town really loved its gossip. This was Red Tape’s final act, a legacy that would continue to bother her even if he himself no longer did.

Once the permit was secured, the actual building had begun, and to no pony’s surprise, there were several mishaps on the construction as well. First was Rainbow Dash crashing into the single weakest point of the foundation and bringing the whole thing down – thankfully, no pony was seriously hurt, nor was the construction hindered too much considering it had just begun. The next disaster was much worse. A swarm of ravenous parasprites had chanced through Ponyville, and for some reason the only thing that was completely devoured was her office.

No matter. All of that was the past now. All that mattered was the present, and presently she had a patient. One she had failed to notice entering, and failed to notice standing in front of her.

“Umm... Colgate? Are you busy? I have someone I need your help with, but if you’re not free...”

The weak voice snapped her out of her reverie. There was a brief flash of disappointment on her face as she said, “Not at all, Fluttershy. Another of your critters have a problem?” She was expecting her first patient to have been a pony at the very least. Still, a patient was a patient, even if they weren’t equine.

“Actually, no. It’s not a critter; it’s just a friend of mine. He’s been having some sort of annoyance with his tooth.”

Colgate lightened up upon hearing that it wasn’t one of her innumerable pets. Finally, she could do work on a real pony, and see if she was indeed cut out to be a dentist. Eagerly, she said, “Let me see him then, and I’ll see what I can do.”

“No need for that, dearie, I’m right here. Lovely place, by the way.”

The voice emanated from Colgate’s recliner, the covering of which turned out to be not the blue cloth it appeared to be, but instead was a flattened pony that was sprouting limbs of all sorts of creatures. Two yellow eyes opened, and there was a full body lying on the chair below the lights and mirrors. A pony body, without a doubt, but the rest of it seemed as if the maker of the pony misplaced the rest of the proper pony parts and replaced them with whatever spares were on hand.

“Oh. Princess. Celestia.” Colgate's eyes widened, and her jaw opened. She was happy to have a pony patient, but whether this pony was considered was a question up for debate.

“The name’s Discord, if you don’t mind. Do I look like a white princess who gorges herself on cake?” Discord asked, turning into Celestia and then saying, “I do now, but I would still prefer to be called by my name.” He reverted to his original form, and with a claw snap made the mirrors dance overhead. “I must say though, the years have been kinder on her and her sister. She has a colorful mane now, and all I have is a bit of a hard coat.”

“I’m sorry to leave him with you like this, but I don’t know how to deal with these problems myself, and if he tries to fix it with his magic, he keeps making something else pop up. It's just I have to be in Canterlot with my friends, and I can't just leave him be like this. I'm very sorry, but I have to go.” She walked up to the door and went out into the skies that never seemed so beautiful. Perhaps that was only due to her office containing several clouds dripping honey.

“Don’t worry about it, Fluttershy,” said Colgate, swallowing air as Fluttershy left. It was hard enough to deal with pony teeth. Dealing with the teeth of the spirit of chaos itself would be much more challenging, to say the least. Nevertheless, she said she would do it, and Colgate never backed down. Right now she regretted being that way.

“Yes, Fluttershy, you need to stop worrying!" he said to no pony in particular. "I’m sure this one tooth of mine is perfectly fine. There was no need to bring me to a professional, but since you insisted, I will apologize in advance to her.” Discord bowed low and said, “This will be good for me, madam. For you I doubt it will. Shall we begin?” From nowhere came a chorus of ponies chanting, “Start! Start! Start! Start!”

As Colgate peered in closer to examine Discord’s only visible tooth, a mug spoke as a commentator, surrounded by her equipment acting as audience, as though this was a sports show or something. “She leans in closer, and closer, and closer – and she barely dodges the snake!” A snake did pop out of Discord’s open mouth, which Colgate jumped away from in fear. It disappeared, and she went back closer. “Ooh. Look at that! She’s closed the distance! Down comes the lens – and she sees it! I repeat, she sees it!” The equipment started clapping as Colgate observed Discord’s tooth. She frowned.

“I see the problem. IT’S MADE OF GLASS.”

“Is it?” asked Discord, as the inanimate audience laughed. “My sincerest apologies. Wrong tooth, I guess. It would explain why it feels so brittle,” he said, yanking it off. Another one grew in its place. “Go on now. It’s not glass.”

“You’re right, it isn’t. It’s wood now.” Colgate was starting to snap again. Normally she was calm but Ponyville had other plans. The audience was laughing itself silly again. “Just let me do my job properly so we can both go our ways, okay?”

“Let me consider it...” Discord scratched his chin with eight sets of various paws. “No, this sounds like a much better use of my time.”

Colgate was just about to shout, but she remembered that angering this pony was going to be more harmful than anything else. She set to work again, but Discord seemed to have something else in mind. “I want to play a game,” he said, smiling ominously. Colgate replied, “Then play on your own. I have things to do.”

“Like what? Attend to the needs of this community?” Discord stood up and started circling Colgate. The equipment fell silent and became inanimate once again as Discord's voice turned more serious. “And once I leave, who’s next? Who’s next in this infinite line of patients you have? No pony. So please, if you’re going to waste your time here, you might as well waste it playing a game with your first patient.”

He had a point. There were no other ponies queued up. And he was a patient, even if he was impossible to deal with, and was in all likelihood capable of curing himself. Now that she considered it, she wondered whether draconequi were subject to the same dental rules.

“Fine. What do you want to do?”

“This is a game you’re going to absolutely enjoy. You were complaining about the lack of patients, were you not? So...” Discord brought up a paw. Colgate realized what he was planning. She was about to speak out against it, and found that her mouth disappeared. Discord’s lion paw snapped and almost instantly the ponies of Ponyville gave a unified scream of pain.

“Now you’re going to have all the patients you want!”

“Discord! I thought you were reformed? Put them right this instant!” Colgate advanced on Discord, who was now yawning. “I’ll tell Twilight and the others!” He simply replied with a yawn too loud to be unintentional. “Oh, please. They’re in Canterlot right now. Why do you think Fluttershy left me here? She would have stayed if she could have. But she couldn’t, so now, enjoy!” A flash of lightning struck outside the window as Derpy crashed in pain on a stray cloud. “And I am reformed. It simply hurts to think you would doubt me like that. It isn’t like I dabble in lies or things like that anymore.” Discord’s face and tone fell, looking sad, and then fell literally after two seconds. The face now spoke to her from the floor while the body went around blindly looking for it. “I don’t need to do good every single moment, you know. I simply stopped suppressing everypony’s dental problems. They had them from the start!” He found his face, put it back on his body, and melted into the floor, out of sight.

There was knock, and then several, and then the noise of a wave of pony crashing on the door. They were all squealing in pain and panicked. The moment she opened the door, an entire crowd burst in. All of them were speaking at the same time, so that it sounded like senseless dialogue. They were screaming, “Help me,” and “Colgate,” and some other things in random sequences. Fed up, she made her horn flash and burst in sparks, shouting, “ONE AT A TIME! LINE UP, SINGLE FILE!” Instantly, they lined up, with ponies occasionally jostling for the better spot. Once they had quieted down, she said, in her normal voice, “With how many you are, this will take some time. Please avoid chit – chat if you’re the one being examined to save on time. First pony, in the chair, please.” A cream earth pony sat down, slightly wincing. This was going to be a long day.

“I just don’t know what went wrong!”

“Do you brush?”

“No.”

“And you still wonder?” Colgate sighed. If Discord really suppressed these problems, then all of these ponies owed him much. Their dental care was terrible. She set to work on Derpy’s teeth, cleaning them with a magically – powered brush before dabbing on some paste to fortify the weak teeth. She handed the tub of paste to Derpy, along with a brush. She was using up way too much supply, and the line was still long. Oh well, she thought. Duties first. Perhaps if these ponies learned their lesson, there wouldn’t be crowds this big.

It was already well into the night, past the normal closing hours of any clinic, but Colgate’s office still had a massive line in front of it. She took care not to rush any of the patients. Some were better off than the others, having observed some form of oral hygiene, and some others having observed none. Her current patient was an oddity of sorts. Her teeth weren’t the slightest bit unclean. In fact, they were spotless, barring them being in a state of total wreck.

“These are interesting,” she said. “What do you eat mostly, and what do you do with your mouth? This is the first time I’ve seen a case like this.”

“Wine,” she slurred. “Wine and... more wine.”

That explained it. Alcohol killed off the little bacteria living on her teeth, in exchange for weakening them, and probably the rest of her as well. This one wasn’t an issue of hygiene, but an issue of consumption. And alcoholism. That seemed to be the bigger problem.

“You’re going to have to cut down on your drinking. It’s screwing up your teeth, and if I’m right, the rest of you as well.”

“Cut down on drinking? Prepsterouse! Or is it... Preposterous?”

“Hasn’t anypony told you that you need to drink less?”

“I don’t know – hic! They might have. I don’t... rememberrr...”

Colgate called to another pony, and asked, “Are you ponies seriously just letting her drink?”

“Well, yeah!”

“You shouldn’t have done that! Do none of you care about her health?”

“We do! It’s just that she gets... Dangerous.”

“Doesn’t matter. You’re going to get her to stop drinking. Help her back home so I can get to the other ponies in line now. DO IT.” She glared at the pony, who promptly went to Berry Punch and brought her home.

“There’s nothing wrong with your teeth, Lyra. You have ten seconds to explain why you’re here even when it’s five past midnight. The pony before you I understand, but you have no reason to be here.” Try as she might, Colgate just couldn’t bring herself to be intimidating with that level of energy. She was far too tired. “I have to sleep. Save it for later.”

“But I waited all day!” Lyra exclaimed. “I demand a talk!”

“We can talk later. Good day.” She yawned and went to her room.

“But –“

“I said good day!” said Colgate, pushing Lyra out with magic and sealing the door. She could faintly hear knocking, and several groans of disappointment. That mattered not. She walked into her bedroom, ready to fall asleep the moment she fell on the bed.  At least she would have had a spirit of chaos not manifested from her lampshade. “How was your first day? Satisfying! I would hope so,” said Discord, bringing out a small covered basket and leaving it on her nightstand. “You’re tired, I see. Adieu for now then. I go!” he said, exiting in a cloud of smoke.

Colgate opened the basket. It was full of food, mostly apple based. There was a note in it.

Dear Colgate,

Discord told us how he stopped keeping everypony of Ponyville from having problems on your first day. I understand how frustrating it must have been, and I’m sorry for his behavior, but he really did mean well. I hope you’re not angry at him.

Fluttershy

P.S. Twilight says it would be nice if you could talk to her and perhaps help her with her letter to the Princess.

Colgate smiled. She knew Discord did mean well, although that realization came halfway through the mess. She had to thank him. Thanks to him, she knew the satisfaction of following her dreams, and of helping ponies. Tiring, yes, the day was tiring. But it was fun. She considered Twilight’s request for help with the letter on the magic of friendship. She picked up a blank paper and a pen, lay down on the bed, and fell asleep instantly after writing a short message.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Being a dentist in Ponyville is hard.