Fp/M NC *****

Meet William.

He likes to make everyone call him Bill, because that makes perfect sense. Just like people named Robert who want to be called Bob or Bobby, it’s not his fault people don’t understand.

Anway, Bill... I mean William, was about to get a special visitor.

As he sat at his computer desk writing a rather pointless chapter that was far too meta, there was a loud popping sound behind him. He turned away from his Adventure Time story, which was about Fin and Jake having gender-bender sex while Princess Bubblegum used her bubblegum to restrain them as she pounded them in the. . .

William saw a strange grey creature in the room with him. The same grey creature that had interrupted his fan fiction mid-sentence.

“What on Earth are you?” William asked.

“Hi, I’m Derpy! And I came so you could eat my muffin,” she explained.

“I. . . wait what? My name is Bill,” William lied, “and what are you?”

Derpy giggled. “Don’t be silly, I’m a pegasus! I got sent here and they promised you’d eat my muffin!”

William stared at the creature in shock, his eyes drifting down to the hair concealing her pussy. He averted his gaze out of a sense of misplaced modesty. “And if I don’t?” he asked.

The grey mare’s lip began to quiver, and her right eye began to wander. Her eyes sparkled with moisture as a single tear began to fall. “Y-you don’t w-want to eat m-my muffin?” she cried.

William tried to look away, to look anywhere or think of something, but the poor creature was worse than a sad puppy. “No! I’ll—okay I’ll eat your muffin!”

Derpy leapt into the air and began flying in circles, her saddlebags hanging from her sides. “Yes yes yes!”

He sighed and walked over to the bed. William had read enough fan fiction to know that there are no STD’s or unplanned pregnancies in them. He figured, since talking ponies aren’t real, that he was either in a dream or a really bad fan fiction about beastiality.

William sat down on his bed and sighed, Derpy landing right next to him. “Okay, Billy, close your eyes.”

He flopped back on his back with a sigh. I hope she’s taken a shower. William flinched as something touched his lips.

He opened up his left eye and saw something white with blue spots. William sat up, taking the blueberry muffin in his hands. “Wait, you brought muffins?”

“Of course I did silly, and you’re supposed to eat them! Pinkie Pie said so!”

He shook his head for a second, and decided to taste the muffin. It was very soft and moist, melting in his mouth. His tongue seemed to tingle as the sweet blueberries released their juice between his teeth. He swallowed it all, greedily.

William continued to eat the delicious muffin, letting each wave of flavors explode in his mouth. “This—is the best muffin—I’ve ever had.”

“Of course it is!” Derpy cheered. She smiled widely and did her best to keep both eyes focused on him.

“Heh, it’s too bad you don’t have more muffins for me to eat. I had a very,” your eyes drift down to her snatch, “different idea.”

“Hey sailor! Eyes up here!” Derpy ordered.

William looked up and meet her wandering eye and smiled. She’s holding out another muffin for him to eat.

This muffin was black, with molten black chocolate chunks and smaller white chips of chocolate.

William wasted no time shoving it in his mouth. He couldn’t get her entire muffin in, yet he continued to smash it against his face like a child. Already the chocolate was melting in his mouth, not his hands, which for a bachelor is exactly where you do not want it melting.

The chocolate came in several flavors. As he sorted out the large muffin in his mouth with his tongue, he could taste the dark chocolate chunks. They were still warm, and surrounded by the cool white chocolate chips. The crust itself was layered leading down into the creamy center of the muffin. A single large dollop of chocolate frosting rest at the heart of the muffin. William stuck his tongue in and licked it all out.

“Wow, got anymore?” he asked.

“Sure do! This is wonderful!” Derpy said. She giggled and pulled another muffin out of her saddlebag.

“So uh, how’d you end up here?” he asked.

“Oh that’s easy. I was sad because nopony asked if I wanted to visit Earth. Then Pinkie saw me, there was this rude stallion that stood me up on a date. Pinkie was like oh that’s okay Derpy I know exactly what will cheer you up! I’ll get you on the next teleport to Earth and you can have a human eat your muffin! It’s perfectly safe and all your fantasies will come true! That’s when I knew I would finally have someone who could judge how tasty my muffin is, without any bias!”

William took the proffered strawberry muffin. “So, you came here to get an unbiased opinion on your muffins?”

“Sure did!” Derpy chanted “So, how are they?”

“They’re fucking aweso—”

“Language, mister!” Derpy dove on William, pinning him to the bed. Her wings flared and she used them to pin him down. A bar of soap appeared, as if out of nowhere, and Derpy thrust it into Williams mouth.

“MMph! MAmph mmpm hemmck?”

“If you’re gonna use dirty language, I’m gonna have to clean your mouth out with soap!”

William finally managed to get her off of him when her point was proven. “Ew, okay, I’m sorry. Can we go back to eating your muffin?”

“Alright, here it is. I’m keeping an eye on you though, Mister.”

William took the strawberry muffin up and put it in his mouth. This time he ran his tongue along it’s edge a few times. He lapped at the berry, suckling it gently to sample it’s flavor. It was very fresh, and reminded him of a summer spent at a cabin on a lake with his highschool sweetheart. He hadn’t seen Tom since, but what they had was magical.

He continued to slowly eat the muffin, preferring to let it last as long as possible. He didn’t want to finish the muffin, but before he knew it, the muffin was gone. His stomach was starting to feel pretty full.

“Here, and here!” Derpy said, handing him two more muffins. “I had to bake them so we don’t have much time, you’re gonna have to hurry if you want to eat my muffin!”

William looked around confused. Is she still talking about the muffins, or her muffin? “Hey, I’m kinda full.”

Derpy frowned, her eyebrows sagging. Tears began to roll down her cheeks again, as if on cue. “But I need a dozen flavors rated on a scale of one to twelve with no duplicates. Then we can discuss pricing and muffin displays—” She stopped talking as the tears turned to sobs.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry, I’ll eat your muffin, all of it—them,” he said.

William took the pumpkin spice muffin and caressed it with his lips. A sweet scent reached his nose as he held it against the muffin. He took several bites until his mouth was full. This time he focused on eating out of the wrapper more quickly, as he had never been a big fan of pumpkins.

The next one appeared to be plain vanilla. William stuck his tongue inside the muffin. It was sugary and sweet, like a cookie. It remained warm and moist, despite the cool air in the room. The sweet liquid seemed to pool around his tongue, allowing him to drink the sweet nectar. He closed his eyes and finished eating the delicious muffin.

Derpy was ready for him this time, having three more muffins laid out.

“Seriously? How many flavors of muffins are there?” he asked.

“Seven hundred and fifty eight flavors, more if you’re a carnivore,” Derpy explained matter-of-factly.

William sighed and lifted up a marble muffin. After he puts the muffin in his mouth he notices it is actually neapolitan, and that between the chocolate and vanilla is a delicate pink layer. He focuses on the soft, pink swirl, trying to make it last as long as possible.

Before long he’s left with nothing but crumbs and memories of that silky pink layer of muffin. He makes quick work of a marmelade muffin, one of the stranger muffins he’s put in his mouth in his lifetime.

“Well, almost there, want to rate them?” Derpy asks.

“Uh, sure. The chocolate one was best, then the blueberry, strawberry, vanilla, marmalade, and pumpkin.”

“Thanks, only one muffin to go!”

William tossed the last muffin in his mouth, his stomach so full it was beginning to hurt. It was a familiar taste yet he couldn’t quite place it. He was so greedily enjoying Derpy’s muffin that he didn’t realize it was banana nut until he was done eating it.

“Wait, was that banana n—”

An alarm started beeping, and Derpy lifted her hoof in front of her face. After managing to force her eyes into alignment, she read the time on her watch. “Oh, time to go! See you later, and thanks for eating my muffin human!”

“No, but I’m—”

Derpy popped out of existence, the flash blinding William for a second.

“—allergic to nuts!”

He could feel his throat swelling shut as he stumbled towards the epi pen in the bathroom.

Author's Note

What? I went two weeks without any pony sex and you can't go one chapter?