The Ponyville Heat Incident: As Documented by Vexing Puzzlez

Ponyville Heat IncidentDocumented and Written By: Head Royal Archivist-Vexing Puzzlez

July 12, 2167.

First entry of the many logs to follow the Ponyville Heat Incident. I had arrived in the late afternoon, dressed in the attire one wears as the Head Royal Archivist. That is, the burgundy jacket and red glasses. The sun was uncharacteristically bright, only adding to the wear and tear of todays entry. At first, Ponyville seemed perfectly normal. But; as I finally made my way to a nearby cafe, I could tell that things were going to take a turn for the worse.

As I placed my order for a simple lemonade, I couldn't help but notice the many lust filled glances of mares directed at me. I payed no attention to such frivolous activity, for it was the norm of any mare to do such things when heat season rolled around. Completely normal, even though their glances became full on stares the longer I stayed. Needless to say, I felt as if my very innocence was going to be lost at their stares, let alone their actions. Nevertheless, I remained steadfast in my decision to stay and partake of my favorite beverage, even though I felt like a rabbit in a timberwolf’s den.

What made me cautious, however, was when my waiter returned. I’m sorry...waitress. My first attendant was male, so I was a little worried when the blue unicorn with deeper blue mane came out. Now I know what you must be thinking; “Vexing, in what way is that weird? Maybe the stallion had business to take care of somewhere else? Maybe he wasn’t feeling well and decided to take off before he got somepony else sick?” That’s a load ofhorseapples!!! (Remember to put malarky instead). For one, the mare came out dressed in my previous waiter’s suit, which meant that this was no accident. Two; the mare continued to try and deceive me by talking in her overly-strained masculine voice.

“Would you like anything else, sir?” She asked gruffly, in a voice that was clearly not her own. I simply took out my notepad and continued writing the report. Honestly, I think I know the difference between mare and stallion, seeing as how I’m 32! These obvious facts, however, did not stop her in her endeavors. So, seeing as how research can only be done by experimentation, I decided to play along.

“Yes. Would you be so kind as to bring me another lemonade? I’m afraid this one’s running...” I drawled out as I put my notepad away and bent down to my empty cup, lapping at the white straw suggestively. She swallowed...hard, as her blush intensified to the point where it covered her entire face. Feeling as if the subject was becoming stimulated, I stopped my experiment, “Out.” I finished with a big smile in her direction. She nodded her head fast enough to cause concern before bolting off into the restaurant.

Taking out my pen and notepad again; I proceeded to write down my findings, “Subject appears to be showing signs of Advanced Stimulation...Also appears to go to any length in order to see her stimulation removed. Caution advised when dealing with mares...maximum.” With my notes done, I put the notepad back into my jacket pocket and pencil behind my ear. Just in time too, for my waitress just so happened to come back.

As she neared, I could tell that she was breathing heavily. She obviously took my gesture earlier as a sign of interest, which isn’t her fault. I am concerned, however, about my well-being. Her face was completely frantic with lust, and I could see her...salivating!? By Celestia’s Cake, this is serious!

“I-I-I brought your l-l-lemonade, sir.” The heat was so bad that even though she was using her magic to place my glass in front of me, it shook rapidly in her telekinetic grip. The hypothesis in Canterlot was just proven by this very action. Ponyville is this year's worst town for heat! Some of the lemonade spilled out over the top of the cylindrical glass. She magicked some napkins in her pocket out; getting ready to clean it before I had another hypothesis.

“If Ponyville is in heat the HARDEST, then what are stallions doing around here? Furthermore, I want to test the resistance of mares in heat, seeing if they can be driven into a state of pure lust. It’s dangerous, but I have a job to do as the Royal Archivist!” Turning my heart to steel, I held up a oak-brown hoof to stop her just as the green napkins touched the spilt lemonade. She eyed me curiously as I invaded her magic field with my own, purple aura replacing her frantic dark-blue. Moving the napkins to the side, I kept constant eye contact as I balled the soaked spot into a tiny ball, meant to resemble a...well, you can guess. I began lapping around the ball of linen, keeping constant eye contact as she began to grit her teeth and rub her back legs together.

A whine escaped her gritted teeth as I neared the ball itself, taking easy and slow licks at the lemonade-flavored cloth. Agonizingly slow licks, that is. When the ball was reached, I flicked it with the tip of my tongue, causing her legs to buckle slightly. I could also see the other mares outside, watching the spectacle with blushes on their face and reluctant eyes. Seeing as how I tortured her long enough, I quickly took the ball into my mouth and gave a slow, deep moan.

I was on the ground before I realized what was going on...

“OH SWEET CELESTIA TAKE ME NOW!!!” She yelled as her face puckered up for a big sloppy kiss. I had gotten the information I needed, so I really saw no reason to stay here any longer and be raped. I quickly thought of the Ponyville Train Station and felt my magic encompass my body and whisk me away, right before the sloppy kiss made contact.

Teleportation can be likened to freefalling, but with more control. It feels as if warm washcloths are placed all over your body and move with you through space and, on rare occasions...time.

As I winked back into existence, I immediately took a scroll out of my jacket pocket. I unfurled it as my pencil floated from my ear in order to meet its flawless face with its point. Taking no more time, I began to write my current findings out on the scroll.

Log 1,

The mares of Ponyville have confirmed my earlier hypothesis of them having the strongest heat. They will react lustfully to any sign of interest, no matter how small or trivial. Also, I have taken the liberty of conducting my first experiment today. The mare in question had shown little to no stimulation resistance whatsoever, especially when tempted. I am issuing the Male Extraction Plan immediately, and I expect Ponyville to be without stallions by sunset.

Also, I require bits in order to procure a place of slumber. Please act out this order and send the bits required for a commoner inn at once.

Head Royal Archivist,

Vexing Puzzlez

With my letter completed, I sent the first of many logs away in order to be processed by the lesser archivists. I expected a response to come within the hour, seein as how people such as I prioritize our work over everything else. Seeing nothing better to do, I placed my pencil behind my right ear and made sure some of my black mane held it in place. I then began trotting the dirt road leading from the Train Station, hoping to find an inn with little effort. Now that I think of it, an inn would be most convenient near the Train Station. Realizing this, it didn’t take me long to locate the little thing. It looked...quaint, for an Inn. And by quaint, I mean awful! Holes were in some of the windows and some doors were missing as I walked up to the office building.

Stepping inside, I was instantly smacked with the smell of cheap cigarettes and cigars. An orange mare with a green mane styled in sock bun, regarded me from behind the blue counter with a newspaper in front of her. I coughed once or twice for the lingering smoke, noticing her taking a drag from a cigarette in her mouth every now and then. As I ventured forth, I began noticing some things that made my skin crawl. I belonged to the Upper Level of Canterlot all my life, meaning that seeing an actual mouseholein her desk made me a bit uncomfortable.

She finished her cigarette, watching me as I approached her counter. Then, she went back to reading her paper as if I never even existed. Doing a double-take, I decided to ring the silver service bell on her desk, knowing that two can play this game!

Ding!

The wench had the nerve to glance at me, then continue reading her paper. I oughta slap the extensions right out of her buc- Easy; Vex, easy! You’re a patient fellow, no need to be so angry at commoner gutter trash like-Stop. You are a gentlestallion, which means you have to be gentle. Deep breaths...in...and out. All~Righty Then! Let’s kill her with kindness, shall we?

“Good day to you, Madame. I’m from Canterlot Castle and I-” Her eyes widened and her pupils shrank as she spit out the butt of her cigarette gave me her full attention. She put on her best smile as a blush appeared on her face. That’s when I noticed her dimples and a beauty mark, only adding to her look of maturity.

“Good day to you too, darlin’! What can I do ya’ for!?” I could see her eyes quiver in the tell-tale sign of heat taking over. It must’ve triggered when I announced where I was from without great detail. Poor mare probably thinks I’m related to the Princesses in some way. My family; the Puzzlez, have had a long lineage of perfect servitude to her highness, Princess Celestia. Why my great-great-great-great-great grandfather was their babysitter when they were foals. I’ve seen the records, that’s cold hard facts!

“Ah..yes. Um, I’m looking for a room to spend the rest of my day in. As I’ve said, I’m doing important research for the Royal Archives and Ponyville happens to be the fulcrum of my studies. Is there a roo-” I didn’t finish as a gold key was placed in front of me in a blur of moving orange, which I can only assume was her hoof. In any case, I eyed her quizzically, seeing as how I’ve no idea what room the key belongs to. Remarkably, this is solid gold.

She gave me bedroom eyes in response to my quizzical glare, making me reluctant in asking, “What room does this key unlock?” A smile that showed no teeth, but stretched along her face widely, unsettled me greatly.

“That would be my room, darlin’. I’m busy during the day, so if you ever need any help, I could always be of service.” She replied lustfully, making me swallow a lump in my throat.

“Pineapples-Pineapples-Pineapples!!!” I chanted as I put on a mock smile of appreciation. Another key, this one made from silver with the number 234 etched on the side, appeared before my eyes. I took it with my magic and left without another word. As I stepped outside, I could've sworn she growled at me lustfully! I shivered with my eyes closed, adjusting the glasses on my face with my magic as I opened them back up. Turning around, I came face to face with a map of the inn on the front door, quickly locating my room on the second floor. What struck me as odd is that she didn’t ask for payment. Maybe...just maybe...she’s expecting it tonight!!! I gagged as I noticed a mailbox with the name, Ms. Mandarin, on the front of it.

Looking in through the front door’s blinds, I could see her enjoying a cup of coffee while...digging in her nose!? Kill me...KILL ME NOW DEAR CELESTIA!!! I shuddered as I knew that an obligation would have to be fulfilled later in the day, even if it wasn’t intentional that she excluded my pay for the room. I have a reputation to uphold.

Wasting no more time, I quickly made my way up the steel steps as they groaned in protest. My stomach lurched as I stepped in what appeared to be week old egg, the yolk sticking to my hoof in the most slimiest of ways! Gagging, I began wiping my left front-hoof on the edge of the next step up, wanting nothing more than to take a shower after the last of it left my hoof. Reaching the top, I took a moment to turn around and look at Ponyville in all its splendor!

As if.

I can’t wait to rid myself of this horrible place and be back in Canterlot, where I can enjoy a good cup of vanilla chai tea whenever I want. Not only that, but I miss things like air conditioning, and morals. This place, so far, has failed to provide either. I’m already expecting the worse in terms of my boarding. This room will probably be the epitome of grotesque, like everything else around this dump. As I neared the room on the key, I noticed how the walls became dirtier, so I promptly distanced myself from them. Finally, the red door with fake gold numbers loomed in front of me. Just before I entered, however, a scroll bearing the Royal Insignia stopped me. I was surprised to open it and find it written in Princess Celestia’s hoofwriting!!!

To my loved Archivist Vexing Puzzlez,

I extend gratitude for your findings thus far! I hope that the enclosed sum of five-hundred bits will be enough to last you until the end of the week. I am lengthening your stay because I’m worried about six mares in particular. You may know them as the Elements of Harmony. On the last day of Estrus Maximus, I will return the stallions of Ponyville to their homes. I’ve taken the liberty of dispatching a small company of guards to help keep order, should any situations arise.

On another matter, I will be coming by personally in order to check on the state of my ponies. Your job is to ensure order until I arrive and after I leave, keeping it upheld until I return the stallions. You have my condolences for sson being the only stallion in Ponyville. Stay strong and stay safe, my little archivist!

With Love,

Princess Celestia

After picking my jaw off the floor, I noticed that I had the letter in my purple aura and was currently standing in the room. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I promptly rolled back the covers on the bed, checking for any form of wildlife or pest. Thankfully, nothing came out. I was too tired from today’s events to bathe; even so, I wanted to check out the bathroom in order to see if it was up to standard. Well...my, standard.

Opening the brown door, I immediately noped the buck out of there! Slamming the door close, I took of my jacket and hung it neatly on the rusting coat rack in the corner, my scarlet tie following it. After that,  I my glasses on the bedside tables and plopped onto the mattress. Just as I was about to fall asleep, a popping sound, not unkind to a bursting bubble, filled my ears. I was then hit with what felt like a brick, moaning in annoyance in pain as I set the bit bag with Princess Celestia’s cutie mark next to my glasses.

Remembering my obligation, I then put an Alarm Clock Spell over myself to wake me up at about eight o’clock.

“For my Country, Father...For Equestria!” I mocked sobbed in despair as I finally fell asleep, praying that my spell would malfunction somehow.