The Ponyville Heat Incident: As Documented by Vexing Puzzlez

July 12, 2167. 11:47 p.m.

I roused myself from slumber, throwing a moan from my mouth in disappointment. I had over slept through the Alarm Clock Spell, which had made me late to my...obligated appointment. I guess being in this backwater hicktown made me lose all sense of time. What can you do? I yanked myself from under the surprisingly clean bedspread, resting my hooves upon the ground as I stuffed the bitbag in my hair and put on my glasses. I gave myself the onceover and determined everything was okay. Knowing this, I quickly made my way to the door...just to have it swung into my face!!!

WHUMP!!!

That’s the sound of someone falling on their flank...hard. Grimacing, I rubbed my sore nose with a hoof, before sneezing like everyone does when they hit their nose. I silently thanked Celestia that my nose wasn’t bleeding as I peered up at whoever just hit me with the door. In the doorway stood the owner of the complex, Ms.Mandarin!

“Oh buck all kinds of duck...” I thought bitterly as she peered at me with half-lidded eyes. Yep, she’s hornier than an orchestra’s brass section, “Good evening to you, Ms.Mandarin. Umm,” I trailed off as she gave a lustful snort, trotting into my room and closing the door behind her. An audible click happened a second later, to which I coughed nervously at, “You know, I was just about to come see you in your room. You see, I need to form a consensus about how bad the heat has hit Ponyville this year and...” I trailed off as she sashayed towards me seductively, licking her lips suggestively while moaning softly.

“You even know my name without me having to introduce myself? If that’s not a sign that you’re interested, then I’m not sure what is, darlin’!” Her accent was clearly southern, but it was the kind that no one liked. She was obviously a rednape, which to me, is a complete turn-off no matter how I look at it. I’ve heard stories of what goes on in their households; stories that still give me shivers to this day.

I swallowed the mountain that had found its way into my throat, my eyes widening largely at how close she had gotten in the small amount of time that had went by. In fact, she had already discarded her clothing! She was...what’s a polite way to put it? Ah yes, she’s expanding her boundaries!

Quite the gentlestallion, no?

More acutely, she has more pudge than I would prefer on a mare...which is none, by the way. Her green mane was done in fancy curls that bounced as she finally closed the distance to my face, breathing on my mouth as her lips came uncomfortably close.

“You know, I’ve only rutted one other stallion my whole life. That makes you Mr.Number Two~!” I fought back a gag as she grazed her tongue across my lips.

“ABORT!!! THIS IS YOUR ONLY CHANCE TO ABORT!!!! YOU HAVE BITS TO STAY AT OTHER INNS, JUST GET AWAY FROM HERE BEFORE YOU RUT HER BROTHER’S LEFTOVERS!!!!” I shoved my hoof in her mouth just as her lips almost tackled mine. To be honest, she really didn’t seem like such a good kisser. Not that I’m curious in the slightest, it’s just that I prefer to have a face by the next morning. I was, however, curious about who this other stallion might be.

“Would you mind telling me who this lucky scoundrel was, my dear?” I pulled that smug question from the recesses of my ass, seeing her lust-filled eyes clear up momentarily.

“Well, it was my B-” before she could finish I teleported, popping back in front of the train station from earlier. I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. Seeing nothing better to do, I quickly cast an Illumination Spell. The area around me brightened in a purple glow coming from my horn as I took out my notepad and pen, flipping it open with my magic as well. Multi-tasking is quite difficult, especially when the two spells have nothing to do with each other.

if that’s confusing, then let me elaborate. It’s what I do best, after all. If I’m holding something with my magic; it would be easier to just grab something else with my magic instead of casting an entirely different spell altogether. For instance, this Illumination Spell.

Putting the pencil to the paper, I began writing out today’s log.

Log 2,

I have been forced out of my current place of residence by a sexually-active mare. She also happens to be the proprietor of the inn I was using as board, but found no shame in trying to have sexual intercourse with one of her customers. The current time should be 12:00 A.M., if not later. which means this is Log 21/2.

My current goal now is to find a place of residency away from mares, where I will stay until the morning and possibly until this whole thing blows over. No more findings for this day, which is quite alright in my books. Less chance for danger that way.

Head Royal Archivist,

Vexing Puzzlez

I kept the Illumination Spell going as I magicked my prized materials back into their respective places. I turned my head to the left, and then to the right, looking for any sign of trouble. I took one step out of the train station and was instantly being called at.

“Now what is it...” I thought bitterly as the brightness of my horn increased, looking for whoever was’ psst-ting’ at me. The empty cobblestone street in front of me soon gave way to a pair of green eyes...green eyes with lizard-like pupils, “...Bucking great. I’m gonna be eaten by a monster!” my face became the picture of bemusement as the eyes soon gave way to a body.

An approximately six-foot tall, purple-scaled body...to be more precise. Once again, I found my words trying to climb the awkwardly placed mountain in my throat as the dragon stopped in my line of sight. He certainly looked harmless enough, and I’m a pretty lenient guy when it come to the unexplained. but to be perfectly honest, I don’t think ponies expect bucking dragons to roam their streets at night.

“Hey friend, I think you’re a little late to the party,” The dragon said, making me raise an eyebrow, demanding him to elaborate on what he meant. He got the gesture, continuing to talk as he stepped closer to me, “You see, the train already left with all the stallions earlier. You missed the train by a good half hour! Come on, I’ll take you somewhere safe.” He said as he turned around, making me think in earnest on his words.

“First of all,” I said dejectedly as I trotted quickly to fall in stride with the pot-bellied dragon, “I’m not your friend, buddy. Second of all, I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you. Which, judging by your state of physical fitness, isn’t very far. At the first sign of a set-up, I’m leaving. Am I understood?” I asked with a glare, to which he just waved a claw at dismissively.

“Relax dude, it’s perfectly safe. I’m staying there myself until this whole heat thing blows over...or until the mares get a better hold of themselves. As long as you don’t go wandering around the town during the day, you should be fine.” He said with a smile as my horn’s light illuminated his rather kind looking face. I bet this dragon couldn’t burn an egg let alone a whole village, like most of the records in the Royal Archive stated.

I relaxed, knowing that the creature adjacent to my position wasn't thinking about me as a late night snack. I then noticed how the cold feeling of stone under my hooves soon gave way to dirt, causing me to look down.

We had reached a dirt path and as I turned around to look behind us, I noticed that we were also heading away from town. I nudged the dragon on his left arm, causing him to look at me out of the corner of his eye.

“Yes?” He asked with genuine curiosity.

“Where exactly is our destination located, Mr....” I trailed off, indicating that I wanted to know his name as well. Calling sentient beings in our world by their species is kind of racist...which I’m not.

“It’s Spike, and we’re headed to Sweet Apple Acres. More importantly, the Cellar of Salvation. Trust me when I say that the guys’ll be happy to have another one added to their numbers. Especially someone like you.” Spike said with a toothy grin, making me wonder who these guys were. Maybe they’re other dragons that do the eating of ponies!

What have I gotten myself into this time!!??