I’m back! *crickets* Well, anyways, here are a couple things before we get started:

Twilight/Spike Relationship: Friends (i.e. no mother/son or brother/sister in these here parts, just the best friend relationship the show’s nature implies—not that I’m against Spilight, quite the opposite, actually)

Spike’s Size/Dick Count: Slightly above average pony/2 (I apologize if I’ve ruined your perfect image of a stubby, one-cocked boy wonder—I feel it gives the story more character)

I most always question the former when reading ponyfics, and the latter with Spike-related clops. Just figured I’d let you know ahead of time. Onward we sail aboard the S.S. Slabstick!

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Dinner With the Sparkles

Prologue: The Proposal

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“That was nice” the blue unicorn said gently following a large sigh, as he placed his suitcases on the floor.

“We really do need more downtime, dear. Are you sure you can’t ‘persuade’ your boss into giving you more time off?” the white unicorn chuckled, earning a glare from her husband.

“I’ve told you a hundred times, that was nothing more than a dirty rumor!” Mr. Sparkle spat in an angry tone.

“Oh, calm down dear. You know I’m only joking.” She teased, waving her hoof.

“I still don’t find the humor in it. If I ever find out who started that, they’re gonna be in a world of hurt!” he clenched his hoof (somehow) for dramatic effect.

“Ok Ryu, so what sounds good for dinner?” she asked, rolling her eyes.

“Hmm,” he pondered, tapping his chin “how about some oatloaf?”

“Uhh, yeah, that’ll work!” she checked the pantry, relieved that she had all the necessary ingredients.

“Sounds good dear, I’m gonna catch a few zeds before beds.” He proclaimed as he flopped on the couch and fell asleep on impact.

‘I swear, he’s getting dumber every day.’ Mrs. Sparkle chuckled to herself as she prepared to make dinner.

. . .

“This is really good, sweetie! Did you do anything special this time?” Mr. Sparkle asked amazed.

“Are you implying that my usual cooking isn’t very good?” his wife asked in a womanly “I’ll-never-let-you-feel-like-a-nice-guy” fashion.

“What? No! It just tastes different than usual, in a good way!” he answered frantically, shaking his front hooves to and fro.

“I’m only teasing, dear. I decided to add some thyme and oregano this time!” she said cheerfully.

“Don’t you mean… this thyme?” Mr. Sparkle raised his hoof from under the table, revealing the aforementioned thyme while sporting a cheesy smile. His wife held her smile, but had a look on her face that could only mean “I’m going to smother you with a pillow tonight.”

“Dear, I was hoping we could visit the glue factory tomorrow?” she asked calmly.

“You know you love it.” He responded coyly.

“Oh, shut up.” She rolled her eyes and continued eating. The phrase reminded him of something.

“Oh, I almost forgot! You know what Noteworthy asked me in the office last week? I mentioned the vacation and he had the nerve to ask me if we could ‘switch places’! I know we look similar, but that’s downright perverted!” he slammed his hoof on the table in anger.

“So what? That way you could’ve been with your ‘precious boss’ for the week.” She teased nonchalantly.

“I TOLD YOU THAT’S A RUMOR!” he yelled. “And why does that not gross you out?!”

“So he wants some strange from a co-worker’s wife, it’s not like he’s pulling a Chrysalis or anything.” She shrugged with a mouthful of food.

“And such an elegant creature you are. Oh well, we both know I gots the goods to do you like I shoulds.” He leaned back in his chair, smiling smugly with folded hooves.

She responded with a JonTron *ech* and said, “don’t mention that again. It was almost unsettling how clingy you were.” She shivered.

“What? It was our vacation! What else were we gonna do in our room?” he asked defensively.

“Gee, I dunno, sleep? We were on our hooves even more than we are here, and the least I could do was get some snore-free shuteye, but you wouldn’t have any of that, now, would you?” she asked angrily.

“It was a romantic getaway! What’s your problem tonight? First you badger me about that annoying rumor and now you’re complaining about the vacation we just got back from! I didn’t hear you complaining while we were there!” he shot back.

“It’s not a rumor if I have proof.” She fainted to a near whisper. A strong silence filled the room.

“W-what? What are you talking about?” he asked with a mixture of stern and nervous tone. She got up and walked over to the entertainment center. She sifted through their PHS collection *crickets* and came across a specific tape within a hidden compartment. She flashed an evil smile toward him and popped it in the machine. The screen lit up and he instantly knew the displayed location. “Th-that’s my office! How did you-”

“Leaving me to keep track of your keys was an unfortunate move, honey.” She tilted her head with a wicked smile.

The screen showed Mr. Sparkle sitting in his office, his head resting on his shoulder as he enjoyed his midday nap. His boss walked in and facehoofed due to his behavior. “’LIIICHT!” she screamed in his ear, startling him out of his chair.

“Uh, yes ma’am?” he asked sheepishly.

“Care to explain to me why you were SLEEPING ON THE JOB?!?” she slammed her hooves on the table with great vengeance and furious anger.

“Uh, s-sorry ma’am, I’ve just been backed up with all these end-of-the-month orders, it’s really hard to keep up!” he answered nervously.

“Look Nachtlicht, we need to have a talk.” She sighed and walked over to his door, shutting and locking it in a single, almost “motor-memory” motion. “I can’t have my best man sleeping on the job—it sets a bad morale for this company.” She walked back over to his desk and placed her fronthooves on it firmly. “You say you’re ‘backed up’, eh? No, no that won’t do at all.” She walked over to the window, and in a similar motion closed it, dropped the blinds and shut them. “Maybe you just don’t have the proper motivation. Maybe I need to find something to… inspire you. I’d certainly hate to see you leave.” Her voice grew gentler with each sentence.

“Wh-what’d you have in mind?” he asked nervously.

“Oh ‘Licht, you still act nervous about this? It’s not like it bothers you that much, does it?” she asked as she slowly sat in his lap.

“I-it just feels… I can’t explain it, but it feels like we’re not alone, ya know?”

“Ya sure hit that nail on the head.” Mrs. Sparkle turned to her soon-to-be doghoused husband with a chuckle.

“Shh, just let me do the work.” She whispered in his ear. “While I can’t help you with your papers, I can make sure you’re in the green with your meat machine.” Her mouth slowly drew closer to his, as she unzipped his workpants.

“OK, THAT’S ENOUGH!” Mr. Sparkle galloped over to the T.V. and quickly removed the videotape. “Why in Equestria di-” he glanced at the sticker on the video’s spine. “’Caught Sleepin’ 3’? Just how many of these do you have?!?”

“Which one you wanna watch next, ‘Lost My Mouse 2’ or ‘I Want a Raise 4’? Ooh, or my personal favorite, ‘Paper Jam 2: Toner Boner’!” she laughed heartily while rolling on the floor.

He hung his head in shame. “How long have you known?”

“Far too long, honey. At first, I was absolutely furious, but man, you guys could make a killing in the business of gaudy porn! It’s almost sad… almost.” Her expression changed from jovial to vengeful in a matter of seconds.

“I… I’m so sorry. I… I di-”

“Save it. You’re not sorry, and you could’ve stopped it at any time, but you chose to continue.” She got up and walked over to the window. “How can I trust you to fend for this family when you can’t even keep your dick in your proverbial—sometimes literal—pants?”

“I-… she-… I don-” he was stopped by a hoof shoved in his mouth.

“Luckily I’m a forgiving mare. I’ll let you off the hook on two conditions.” She said looking off to the side.

“Y-yes! Anything!” he exclaimed, freeing his mouth from her sexy, sexy hoof.

“The first condition is a two-parter. First, you are to handle all house duties, including everything from laundry to cooking, for the next two months. The second part is obvious: no more fooling around with Miss FAT-bertson! Believe me, I’ll know.” She sat on the couch with her fronthooves crossed.

“Done.” He said, nodding stupidly.

“And second…

you’re gonna get me laid.”

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Mrs. Sparkle in…
The Something-Year-Old Not-So-Virgin
Coming this summer, but not with her husband!
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“You… what?” Mr. Sparkle was baffled at her request.

“What part of that didn’t you understand? Or is it fine that you get to sleep around but not lil’ old me?”

“It’s not ‘sleeping around’ if it’s jus- you know what? Fine. I’m done fighting over this.” He crossed his forehooves in anger. “So then, who’s the lucky guy?”

“…” she paused “I haven’t gotten that far yet.” She laughed sheepishly while rubbing the back of her head. He promptly facehoofed and sighed.

“Well, think about it. Who do you wanna bang? Should I bring Noteworthy over then?”

“Please, like you said, he looks just like you. Though he’d probably be better than you in the sack, I wouldn’t be able to get past him looking like a street rat.” At that moment, you could hear the remainder of his pride and dignity shatter against the cold porcelain floor.

“Don’t hear Ms. Robertson complaining…” he said to himself.

“What was that?” she asked as she rose up behind him.

“AH! Nothing! I didn’t say anything!”

“Good. Now…” she pulled out several photo albums from the nearby shelf. “I think he should be someone we both know on a somewhat personal level, but maybe not someone within the immediate vicinity—you know, like neighbors and whatnot—so attachment won’t become an issue.” She began scanning the albums for a sign. “Did you say Frontline’s wife left him?”

“No, that was Melvin.”

“Ew, Melvin. That’s actually a step below you.” She shuddered.

“Hey!”

“Hmm,” she ignored his childish offense “no, he’s got that ‘spotted’ thing goin’ on, that always grossed me out.” She continued sifting through the albums until she came across the recent photos from the Equestria Games, in which her family and friends reserved a bank area for themselves. “Ah, here we go.” She scanned the large group photo, hoping to find some old forgo- hoping to find somepony that would get her haunches a-shakin’. “No, no…” she looked across everypony in the photo, and none of them seemed to spark interest in a sexual way. Finally, she came across the area with her, her husband, children and a large drake holding up the Wu-Tang sign. As soon as her eyes locked on the dragon, her hoof froze. Her mouth slowly formed a smirk.

“Bingo.”

Author's Note

Author's notes are pretty stupid. R&R.