First, a poem:

“In fourteen hundred ninety-two,
Lincoln sailed the ocean blue
Aboard a ship of many slaves.
The floating crate served as their graves,
For thirty days aboard their ship,
The Plague took hold with forceful grip.
But then, just when all hope seemed lost,
The ghost of Bono came across
The unmanned ship, and headed for
The land now known as ‘Baltimore’.
Unfortunately for our shaded friend,
The trip came to an early end.
He did not know this simple craft
Was not amphibious; just a raft
Comprised of wood, primarily,
Practically just a barrel-y.
The ship made contact with the shore
And broke apart, forevermore.
The bodies scattered through the sand,
And rose to form a zombie band
Known as the Doors, and Bono led,
Since Morrison was forever dead.
They opened doors, got on the floor,
Everybody walk the dinosaur.”

-Jesus [in a horse costume], 1929

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Dinner With the Sparkles

Chapter 1: The Plan Unfolds

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“Bingo.”

“Bingo? I thought you said he was gelded.”

“Not him, you dolt.” Mrs. Sparkle quickly shut the album. “And anyways, you two haven’t spoken since you stole his stupid record.”

“One, ’Frampton Comes Alive’ is not a ‘stupid record,’ it’s the single greatest vinyl of my generation! Two, I didn’t steal it, he gave it to me for my birthday!” Mr. Sparkle shouted.

“Oh, I guess I’ll trust you on that one. After all, honesty is your best trait.” She rolled her eyes in annoyance.

“Oh, shut up. So who you gonna ca- I mean, bang?”

“Think about it. Who’s always been there for the family, especially our daughter?”

“Honey, I’m right here.” He responded flatly.

“Ha, ha. No dumbass, I mean who looked out for her ever since she was a foal?”

“You mean Cadance? Can I film it?!” He asked excitedly, shaking his tail like a dog.

*WHAM*

“You’re hopeless.” Mrs. Sparkle said with a comical vein on her temple, following a whop to his head. “No, think. Been with Twilight since she’s been Celestia’s student, always looked out for her, a friend of the family’s since practically forever?” she looked at her husband expectantly.

“… Shining?” he asked cautiously.

*WHAM*

“You’re a complete moron.” She deadpanned. “You’ve got one guess left. I’ll give you one more hint: he’s not a pony.”

Mr. Sparkle’s eyes widened in realization. “Y-you mean-”

“Yup.” She smirked evilly and looked out the nearby window. “Here’s what I’m gonna do, I’ll kill two birds with one stone.”

Somewhere in a remote cottage, an adorable yellow pegasus felt a cold chill run up her spine. “O-oh my, I wonder what that was?” she asked timidly to her bunny companion. He ignored her and continued scratching his ear.

<><><><><><><><>
Fifteen minutes later…
<><><><><><><><>

“Not that my opinion matters at a time like this, but I don’t see this working out.” Mr. Sparkle said skeptically.

“Oh don’t talk like that, dear.” His wife began as she dialed the number, “Your opinion never matters.”

“Hey!” he yelled, once again ignored by his life partner.

<><><><><><><><>
Meanwhile…
<><><><><><><><>

“I wonder where that dragon could be?” Twilight said to herself as she sifted through the castle’s innards. “He wasn’t in his room, the kitchen or the courtyard. Where else could he have run off to?” Her thoughts got the best of her perception, as she ran directly into her former mentor. She quickly shook her head, and looked to see what obstructed her forward motion. “P-P-Princess Celestia! I’m sorry! I wasn’t looking where I was going!” She bowed in fear, knowing that Equestria’s shining dictator would have her head on her mantle for such ill-mannered behavior.

“Oh Twilight, we’ve been over this. ‘Celestia’ is fine, no need for formalities, especially since you are royalty as well.” Celestia’s bright smile beamed through her rotting soul. “Now, what’s troubling you, my former student?”

“Oh, well, I was looking for Spike to see if he could help me reorganize the south wing for the Gala.”

“Ah yes, I suppose preparation would be ideal, seeing as it’s but a week away.” Celestia pondered for a moment and remembered. “Oh! I believe he told me earlier that his friends Reigns and Rollins were in town, and he was going to spend the day with them!”

Twilight groaned and rolled her eyes, “Oh lord, not them again. Every time they show up, they just end up picking fights with random guards. Well, I’d better go stop him before he unleashes ‘justice’ any further.” She galloped down the hallway, hoping to come across her scaled companion before he got into trouble. ‘Oh, I hope he’s ok.’ She thought as she exited the castle. It didn’t take her long to approach the castle gates, where she found the dragon and his two cohorts standing above a worn-out guard.

“BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD!” Spike roared, as he held his makeshift belt above his head. His two friends mimicked the action and they all began singing their “theme song”. “Duh-nuh, duh-nuh, duh-nuh, duh duuuh, duh-nuh, duh-nuh, duh-nuh, duh-nuh-nuh-nuuuh!”

“Ok Spike, that’s enough harassment for one day.” Twilight approached the trio and downed guard and spoke with a blatant motherly tone, in hopes of embarrassing the large drake.

Spike quickly turned his head and joyously ran to his winged friend. “Twilight, you missed it! We powerbombed him through the bed of petunias! It was AWESOME!” She hadn’t seen Spike this giddy since he overheard that Rarity was back on the pill.

“Spike, why in Equestria would you do that?! You could’ve seriously hurt him!” She spoke down to him, despite the fact that he was a head taller than her.

“D-don’t worry Princess, I’m fine.” The guard struggled slightly to get up. “I’ve got this armor on, so I’m ok!”

“See, he’s fine.” Spike waved off the issue.

“That still doesn’t explain why you did it.” She said in a demanding tone.

“Oh, I…” the guard began, “I… they caught me sampling the baked goods in the kitchen, and… well… I suppose it was justified.” He sheepishly rubbed the back of his head.

“You don’t need to defend them, they should know better.” She continued on her self-righteous soapbox.

“Oh come on, Twi! You wanted those petunias out of there, anyway! And what’s the point of being the champions if we have no one with which to spar?”

She shook her head in disappointment. “I swear Spike, you’re getting dumber by the day.”

“Hey, that wasn’t very nice.” He responded gently, visibly hurt by her statement.

“Neither is powerbombing a guard for eating a cookie!” she yelled, smashing her face into his.

“Well ex-cuuuse me, Princess!” he responded in annoyance.

“What has gotten into you lately? First you lock yourself in your room all day and now the only time you come out is to cause trouble!”

“You just don’t get it Twi! You don’t remember what it’s like to be an unwed teenage mother!” Spike shoved her aside and ran for the castle, bawling his eyes out.

“Is it too late to revert him back to an egg?” she asked herself. She turned to the two ruffians. “I believe you two have had your stay.”

“Y-yes ma’am!” they said simultaneously, and galloped through the gates.

“And you.” She shifted her focus to the guard.

He gulped, “P-Princess?” She removed something from her royal garb. It was a stocking with a face and suit drawn on. She bore the stocking and shoved it in the guard’s mouth until he fell to the ground.

“Have a nice day.” She promptly giggled and galloped into the castle.

“I swear, this castle’s full of whackjobs.” The guard spoke softly to himself as he regained his post. He picked up the stocking and sniffed it heavily. “Then again, they’re my kind of people.” He looked around to ensure that the coast was clear, and he began his lewd activities…

Twilight then headed for the drake’s room, hoping to find him sulking in confusion. She came upon the door and knocked gently.

“Who is it?” he asked harshly.

“It’s me, think we can talk?”

“Ugh, I suppose. Come on in.”

She entered the room cautiously, and saw the drake sitting on the foot of his royal bed. She came up and sat down next to him, placing a hoof on his shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“You already know what this is about.” He answered dryly.

“Oh Spike, I’m sorry, but you knew it was bound to happen. A girl can’t wait forever, after all.”

“What are you talking about? You were there! You saw what she did!” he began to get defensive.

“Spike, the least you could do is be happy for her.” She responded sharply.

“Oh sure, since she obviously wants me to be happy! That’s why she let me blindly pine over her for years without showing any sign of response!” the sarcasm seeped through his teeth.

“You know how ‘traditional’ she can be. You can’t blame her for that.”

“And you know how determined I can be! You can’t blame me for that!” he snapped back.

“Spike, don’t take this out on me.” Twilight said sternly, “You know that I’m not the problem here.”

“Well then who is?!” he looked at her with emerald eyes caked in tears.

“You’re the only one who seems to have a problem with Rarity being happy.”

“But why not me? Why’d it have to be him? I practically broke my back for her for years, even confessed to her, and she still turned me down!” he lashed through his words as tears rolled down his face.

“Spike, Rarity is her own mare. She has her own determinations and she can’t change that. Isn’t that why you fell in love with her in the first place?”

Spike paused as he sniffed and wiped his nose. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It still hurts though, ya know?”

“Oh, Spike.” She pulled him in for a firm, yet gentle hug. They stayed that way for minutes, until the sun princess knocked on his door.

“Spike, dear, are you in there? The phone’s for you.” She asked through the blood-stained mahogany.

“Yeah, I’ll be right out.” Spike broke the hug and shuffled to the door. “Thank you,” he said as he retrieved the phone from Sun Butt. “Hello?”

“Why hello, Spike. This is Mrs. Sparkle. How are you, dear?”

“Oh, hello Mrs. Sparkle, I’m fine. Twilight’s right here if you want to talk to her.” He turned to Twilight, expecting to hand the phone off so she and her mother could gossip for hours as was tradition.

“Why no, Spike. I was hoping to talk to you.”

“Me?" he arched a nonexistent eyebrow in confusion. "Alright, I guess. What’s up?”

“Dear, I was wondering what your plans were tomorrow evening.”

“Tomorrow? Uh, all I got lined up is setting up for the Gala, but that should be done by the afternoon. What’d you need?” he was rather curious of her sudden interest.

“Well, I’ve been planning to move the furniture for the ease of replacing our old mattress with the one arriving tomorrow morning, and I was hoping you could lend a claw since my husband is suddenly going out of town for the next few days.” Her sentence gained venom as it neared its end.

‘Uh, that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.’ Spike thought to himself. ‘She’s a unicorn, why can’t she just move everything with magic? Then again, I guess I’m used to Twilight’s magical strength, which is like, Juggernaut-tier powerful. I wonder if she’s ever seen that video? That’d be hilarious, seein’ her destroy something with magic and yelling, ‘DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I’M THE PRINCESS, BITCH!’ Then someone with a sword would attack her and she’d be all like, ‘SILLY BITCH, YOUR WEAPONS CANNOT HARM ME! I’M THE PRINCESS!’ and she’d throw ‘em across the room!’ He began LOLing, confusing both the abstract and concrete Sparkle.

“Spike, dear, what’s so funny?” she thought that perhaps her rough marital waters were amusing to the drake.

“Ha ha, oh, nothing. Just remembered something funny is all.” He responded, embarrassed of his sudden outburst (sorry, outBURS). “But sure, I’d love to help!”

“Oh I’m so glad to hear that, dear! Be here at 7 o’clock sharp.” She ordered happily.

“Yes ma’am. See you then.” He hung up and handed the phone to Celestia.

“What’d my mom want?” Twilight asked.

“She needed help moving furniture tomorrow after I’m done setting up for the Gala. She’s getting a new mattress and she wants the switch to be as smooth as possible.”

“That’s weird, why doesn’t she just use magic to move everything?”

“I was wondering the same thing. I’m sure it has to do with your dad going out of town for the next few days. She probably thinks she can’t handle it all by herself.” He shrugged with his response.

“If she wanted magical help, why didn’t she just ask me? I don’t have anything going on tomorrow night, either.”

“You realize that’ll probably change, right? You’re a princess, having free time isn’t exactly common for you. Your schedule is never truly solidified until halfway through the day! You realize how hard it is to hang with all our friends at the same time? It’s practically monthly that that’s feasible! She probably figured you’d have something pop up that’d hinder your assistance.”

“… Yeah, good point.” She tapped her chin in deep thought. “That still doesn’t explain why she didn’t just go to the neighbors and ask them.”

“Please, Twi. I think it’s pretty obvious what’s going on here.” He said confidently.

“And what’s that?”

“Your mom’s finally starting to see me for the hunk I truly am. Think about it, she’s probably just using this ‘husband’s gone for a few days’ ruse to confess her loneliness to me, in hopes of me taking her in my muscular arms and holding her close. She’ll stare longingly at me, her eyes just begging me to take her, right then and there.” As he went on, a quartet of shadows in the shape of Discord began dancing on each wall of the room. When he finished, he remained in place with his arms in a cradling position and a dirty smirk until a pillow met his face with violent force.

“Don’t even joke like that!” Twilight blurted frantically with a heavy blush on her face. “My parents have a strong, healthy relationship, thank you!”

“Geez Twi, you know I’m only joking, right? Lighten up.” He said, chuckling.

“That’s not funny. That’s just… creepy.” Twilight said as she shuddered.

“I can’t help that I’m better looking than you, I blame genetics.” Spike said, striking several sexy poses.

“Yeah yeah, whatever. Now are you going to help me set up or not?” she asked, crossing her fronthooves.

“You got it, race you there!” he yelled, as they ran for the south wing.

<><><><><><><><>
Meanwhile…
<><><><><><><><>

“Why’d you say I’d be out of town?! Where the hell am I supposed to go?!” Mr. Sparkle asked frantically.

“You mean after you’ve ordered our new deluxe queen-size mattress for next-day delivery? In a hotel, of course.” She answered matter-of-factly.

“What-what-whaaat? You expect me to not only break the bank for a stupid, unneeded mattress, but you want me to wallow in a stank-ass hotel? The hell’s wrong with you, woman?!”

“Well, if you want, I suppose I can call Noteworthy and break the news to him.” She said with a fake pout.

“What? How do you have his number?!”

“Again, poor choice leaving me in charge of the phonebook. You really should do more around the house, dear, joking and blackmail aside.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever. Now are you going to help me with the dishes or not?” Mr. Sparkle asked, hoping to sound more like his daughter.

“I’ve never seen you touch a dirty dish in my life.” She deadpanned.

“I’m trying to help, ok?!”

“Alright, fine.” The two headed for the kitchen and worked as a cohesive unit for the first time in decades.

As she cleaned the dishes, she mumbled to herself, “Just you wait, my little dragon, I’m gonna take you places you’ll never return to.” Her erotic thoughts carried through to her slumber.

Author's Note

Billy goat. Jesus isn't the only poet, you know.