Greetings, fellow mutants.

As stated before, I’m not going to narrate the clop scenes anymore—it’s far too strenuous to be creative with such a natural thing. I’m sure you’re all imaginative enough to “fill in the blanks”. Not to fret, however; there will be plenty of sexual tension and lewd acts to feed your brain. As a great man once said, “You filthy children deserve a spanking.” On with the debacle…

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“I’m not black enough to enjoy this.”
~ President Barack Obama on Tyler Perry’s House of Payne

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Dinner With the Sparkles

Chapter 3: The Gala

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The starlit sky danced above the lavender alicorn and drake as they returned to their stony abode. “So what’d she have you do that kept you there for so long?” she turned to him and cocked a brow.

“It was basically a complete rewiring of her system. She had me go through every single cord and unplug and plug them back in to make sure it was properly connected. Now I know where you get your anal retentiveness from.” He chuckled.

“Oh, shut up. We’re just… detailed. Anyway, according to Celestia, the guest count was confirmed and everything as of now has been taken care of. We get tomorrow off!” she exclaimed cheerfully.

“Nice! Wanna do anything?”

“The library could always use re-shelving!” Her eyes widened in excitement.

He shuddered audibly. He always thought the Ponyville library was massive, but then he moved back to the castle and got a near-daily dose of the Canterlot library. It was the freshest Hell he’s ever experienced. “We agreed that that word should only be used in vain.” He crossed his arms and furrowed his brow.

“What? Why can’t I say lib-” she was cut off by a claw gripping her muzzle.

He leaned toward her ear and whispered, “If you say it again, the consequences will be dire.” His voice was much darker than usual. She shook free and stared him down. With squinted eyes, she said it once more.

“Library.”

He quickly tackled her and began tickling her furiously. She was on her back, so wing retaliation was all but possible. Her cackles echoed through the quiet streets.

“I warned you about libraries, Twi! I told you dog!” his barrage of tickling only grew heavier.

“I-HI-HI-HIT KE-HEEPS HAPPENING! HAHAHAHA!!!”

“I told you, Twi! I told you about libraries!”

“Ple-he-hease stop! I won’t—HAHAHA—I won’t sa-hay it anymore!”

“Pinkie promise?”

“YE-HES! PLEASE!”

He jumped off of her, and bolted to the castle giggling like a filly.

“Hey! Wait up!”

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

“♫ Big adventure, tons of fu~n, a beautiful heart, faithful and stro~ng ♫” Spike sang to himself as he readied for bed. After de-grossing his gem-hole, he slipped into bed and quickly fell asleep.

‘Sure glad I got an actual bed now.’ He thought as he entered the dream world. Spike had long ago uncovered the secret to lucid dreaming, and he questioned whether or not he could call himself an “expert” having such high and consistent control over his own mind. ‘What’ve we got today?’ He opened his eyes and saw that he was playing video games with Shining Armor. All it took was a glance to know what the game was.

“Oh dude, you’re SO going down!” Spike exclaimed, as he began pounding the living crap out of his opponent.

“Of course you always have to pick the cheap one.” Shining muttered.

“Sonic is not cheap! Sonic’s just fast!” Spike yelled in annoyance.

“Dude, isn’t he the reason they banned Smash Balls at our tournament?”

“Well, sorry I don’t go for stock, ‘Captain Mario’.”

“Hey, if it ain’t broke.” Shining said, shrugging.

Spike caught sight of the aforementioned object as it came onto screen. “Oh, it’s about to be.” He swiftly jumped to the top of the screen, and began pummeling the hovering ball until it broke. A multi-colored light soon enveloped him, and just as quickly, his character turned to gold. “Taste the chrome!” Sonic then went ~~full retard~~ Super Saiyan all over his plumber counterpart, until Mario flew off-screen into the vast purgatory below.

“Dammit! Every time!” Shining threw his controller in frustration. “I don’t even know why I play this with you anymore.”

“You know you love it.” Spike replied coyly. “Anything else you wanna play?”

Shining started sifting through his pile of miscellaneous games. “Pong? No. Kong? Uh-uh. CoD? Not a chance. Wow, I forgot I had this game.” He showed the cover to the drake.

“Wow,” Spike spoke in an imitative voice “what a steaming pile of dookie-butts with diarrhea dressing!”

Shining began to laugh heartily. “Dude, please don’t start that again. I’m gonna barf for reals.”

“I’ve never played such a bad game in my life! Talk about induced vomiting. I once forced myself to vomit to extract expired milk from my system, and it sucked way less than this game! What a bunch of fecal dripping dog shampoo, coated in cat barf, and stuffed with bloody chunks of elephant shit!”

Shining was now on the floor, unable to form words through his painful laughter.

“Who’s ever heard of a flying carpet? Why would something made for the floor be floating around? And why is the genie blue? Why not green? Come on, game designers, get with it!”

“I’m gonna fuckin’ barf!” he said between his manic laughter.

“This game makes me wanna barf. I once fisted my mother’s butthole, and she liked it way better than this game! What a steaming pile of goat feces, wrapped i-” his mouth was suddenly zipped shut, as Shining had forcefully silenced his friend before hurting his ribcage any further.

They eventually settled on Primal Rage. They slapped it into the Pegasus (it’s almost mandatory to make as many pony puns as possible, it seems) and began clawing the shit out of each other. Shining hesitated to ask Spike about something.

“Don’t you get offended by this sort of thing?”

Spike looked at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, it’s reptiles killing other reptiles! Isn’t that like, cannibalism or something to you?”

Spike shook his head. “I swear, you’re getting dumber every day.”

He shrugged it off and continued the game. Moments later, he looked at Spike in shock. “Errr… uh, bro?” he asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, dude?” Spike responded, still focused on the game.

“Where are your pants?”

Spike paused to look at himself. He hadn’t even noticed that he was sporting a rather nice tuxedo. Unfortunately, he was only dressed to the waist. “I took them off because I was banging your mom for a minute there…” He looked over to see that not only had Shining resumed their game, but Velvet had appeared out of nowhere and positioned herself to be fucked doggy-style by her son. “AND NOW YOU ARE BANGING HER!” Spike laughed out loud as Velvet turned to face him. Her face quickly took the shape of a demon’s, and she screeched like an alarm clock. Confusion fell over the drake, and not soon after, the demon lunged at him.

“AAH!” Spike screamed as he shot up. “Man, that got strange toward the end. I gotta lay off that internet.” He shut off his alarm and started his morning. The mare entered his thoughts once more. “I hope she isn’t upset with me. Celestia knows Twilight would be if she ever found out.” He yawned and stretched as he headed downstairs.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

“Wait, so you never told him I was in on it?” Nacht asked, confused.

“Of course not. He wouldn’t have believed me if I had.” His wife responded, taking another sip of her coffee.

“So he thinks I’m none the wiser?”

“Dear, I think that’s only true when you’re wise to begin with.” She giggled.

“Oh, ha ha.” He continued reading his paper. ‘This just made the Gala ten times better. Trolldad mode: activated.’ He snickered evilly to himself.

“Oh, and don’t think I’m done either.”

“Huh?” He lifted his head to face his wife.

“I won’t force him into it, but trust me when I say I’ve got a lot more in store for him.” She blushed heavily as she took another swig of bean juice.

Nacht rolled his eyes and continued reading. “Whatever you say, dear.”

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

“Mornin’ Twi.” Spike said as he descended the stairs, scratching his back.

“Look at you! I didn’t even have to wake you today!” she said excitedly. “What’s got you up so early?”

He recalled in his head the real-life and imagined sexual encounters with his friend’s mother. “Oh, you know… just wanna make the most of this day off!” he laughed sheepishly.

“Got that right. Since you’re up so early, how about we hit Pony Joe’s for breakfast?” By the time the question escaped her lips, she was picked up and carried in his arm as he bolted to the restaurant. “I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’”

<><><><><><><><>
The Gala
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“Man, I hate this suit.” Spike stretched the collar with his claw in an attempt to get more comfortable. He scanned the packed room for anyone with which to mingle. None of their friends had arrived yet, so he figured they were heading to the Gala together.

“Yes, royal garb has a tendency to be rather… uncomfortable.” Spike turned around to discover Luna behind him. “But fare through the night, and thou will be glad thou’st had.” She giggled and gave him a wink before trotting off.

‘What the heck was that? Was she… propositioning me?’ He quickly found a mirror to inspect himself. Flawless, just like always. ‘With me looking like this, probably.’ “Lookin’ good, Spike. Lookin’ reeeal good.”

“Well some things don’t change, do they?” a bubbly voice seemed to ask out of thin air. He looked for the source of the question, but there was none to be found. “Up here, silly!”

He looked up and saw a pink earth pony atop the mirror he was just eye-raping. “Pinkie!” She jumped down and tackled him into a massive bear hug.

“How’s my favorite dragon?”

“Oh, you know, can’t complain. You?”

“I’m SOOO happy now that I found you! It took me two whole minutes! For being the only dragon in a pony-filled castle, you sure know how to hide!” she said, lightly poking him in the chest.

“Well, you’re a nice change from torches and pitchforks.” He said, recalling several instances where the newer Canterlot folk were unaware of the dragon’s residence in the city. “So how’s the gang?”

“Well, Rainbow and the other Wonderbolts just got done with their tour, so she says they’re gonna party like never before tonight!”

“Sounds about right.”

“The Apples’ new harvest is finally ready, so business has never been better!”

“Nice, ‘Bloom enjoying herself?”

“You bet! She sure has a knack for that kinda thing! Uh, Rarity’s… enjoying herself with… Thunder… lane…” she fainted to a whisper, knowing she was salting fresh wounds.

“Mmhmm,” he muttered. “Fluttershy?”

“OH! She just started a bird-watching club, and almost everypony in Cheerilee’s class wanted to join! She’s never been so popular! Well, unless you count that whole ‘modeling’ thing.”

“Good for her.” He regained his happiness.

“And Pinkie’s… what has Pinkie been up to? Where is she? I’ll ask her!” She began searching the area for herself. “Oh wait, I’m Pinkie! Well, Pinkie’s been great!”

“I figured as much.” He said, chuckling. “The Cakes?”

“OOH! The kids started school this year! They’re really fast learners! They even beat me at chess!”

“I didn’t know you could play chess.”

“I can’t! That’s how good they are!”

Spike furrowed his brow in confusion, but shrugged it off. “That’s cool. So I take it you all came together?”

“You bet! You can go say ‘hi’ to the others while I go find Twilight!”

“Best bet would be to look for Sun Butt; she’s never more than a stone’s throw away from her.”

“Got it! See ya Spike!”

Spike smiled and waved. He made his way back to the main room. The numerous additions made it even harder to find anyone he knew. He stayed close to the wall, so as not to impede the party’s newcomers. It was when he was passing the narrow hallway to the kitchen that somepony yanked him away. They slammed him against the wall, his head bouncing off of it. “Ow! What the heck?” He opened his eyes to see his ivory assailant. “Velvet? What are you- oh yeah, the tickets…”

“And just where have you been, my big, sexy dragon? Just thought you could have your way with me and dump me, just like that?” she asked with a fake pout.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve been dreaming of my scaly prince ever since our little ‘rendezvous’.” She said, twirling her hoof on his chest.

‘Dreaming about me? Guess that explains Luna.’ Spike thought to himself. “So, what’s on your mind?”

She was visibly hurt by the question. “You don’t answer my calls, you don’t hang out with me anymore, have I gotten… ‘tiring’ to you?”

“A: It’s been two days. B: You haven’t tried to call, so how am I supposed to ignore something that hasn’t even happened?”

“Oh, I’m just pulling your leg.” She said with a soft smile. She leaned to his fin-ear-thing and whispered, “I would like seconds, if it’s ok with you.”

“Aren’t you worried that we might get caught? We almost did last time.” Spike deadpanned.

“There’s a room in the back of the kitchen that nopony’s using.”

He looked at her in disbelief. “Or we could just go to my room.”

“Won’t that look awfully suspicious? More so than a couple of wandering cooks in one of the nation’s most famous kitchens!”

“…Point taken. I still don’t know about this. Aren’t you here with your husband?”

“Oh, he’s getting shit-faced. He won’t bother me until he needs me to carry him home.”

“I still think this is a bad idea.” Spike said as he slowly walked back toward the party. “I feel like we should just stop before this gets out of hoof.” As he was about to make a third entrance into the party, he noticed another ivory unicorn with a dark grey pegasus. He quickly hid himself again. The pegasus made a lewd attempt at squeezing the unicorn’s plot, succeeded, and was followed by fake disgust and a giggle from the unicorn. She lightly pushed him away and mentioned something about saving it for their “private encounters”.

With a billow of smoke escaping his nostrils, he quickly turned around, put Velvet on his back and made a beeline for the kitchen.

<><><><><><><><>
20 Minutes Later…
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“This might be the best Gala yet! Big ups for puttin’ it together!” Rainbow Dash lauded Twilight for her efforts.

“Thanks, Rainbow. I couldn’t have done it without Spike, though. Speaking of which, have you seen him anywhere?”

Rainbow shook her head. “Nope, no idea where he is. Pinkie said she saw him earlier.”

“Oh, I hope he isn’t planning something, what with Rarity and all…”

“Relax, Twi. I know he’s upset, but he’s not the type to do anything he’d regret.”

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Spike walked out of the kitchen doors while readjusting his suit to its earlier configuration. He huffed out a sigh of sexual relief, and made his way back into the party. It wasn’t long until he conversed with the rest of his friends, save Rarity for obvious reasons. He made his way to the “adult” punchbowl, and poured himself some liquid happy.

“Well, if it isn’t the big, old dragon here to terrorize the party.” Spike raised his head and heard a drunken snicker. He turned to meet the stallion.

“O-oh! M-Mr. Sparkle! So glad you could make it!” Spike stuck his claw out with a heavy blush on his face, and they both shook ligaments.

“You’ve been a bit of a ghost, haven’t you? Seems like we haven’t seen each other in ages!” Nacht slurred, reeking of whiskey and punch.

“Y-yeah, sure feels like it, huh?” Spike laughed weakly.

“You look like you just got back from screwin’ somepony, huh?” he nudged Spike with his hoof.

Spike gulped. “W-w-what do you mean? I’m involuntarily single.”

Nacht burst out laughing. “‘Involuntarily single’, huh? I like that! Never short of a riot with you!” he patted him on the shoulder. “You’re probably beatin’ em off with a stick, eh?”

Spike relaxed slightly. “Unfortunately, being a foreign creature that’s bigger than you isn’t as good of a selling point as erotica makes it out to be.”

Nacht laughed heartily once more. “Crack o’ the whip, boy! Crack o’ the whip!” He calmed down before giving Spike a stern look. “Now, we need to talk.”

‘Oh shit, he knows! Shit! How could he have found out? Did Mrs. Sp-… Velvet tell him? Oh man, what’s he planning to do? Did he get drunk enough so he could come at me full force? Shit! I’m so stupid! Why did I let this happen? Me and my big dick! Oh well, guess I deserve this.’ “About what?” he sipped his punch in nervousness.

Nacht continued his cold stare for several seconds before answering. “When are you going to make an honest mare out of my Twilight?”

Spike had a spit-take before responding with “WHAT?!?”

“Oh come on, we all know you’re perfect for each other! You two have been inseparable since you were born!” He patted him on the back and chuckled. “I don’t see anypony—or dragon, for that matter—more fit for the job!”

Spike looked at him as if he’d just saw him rip his own face off and eat it. He decided, however, to play along. “B-b-but isn’t the father’s approval like the ‘kiss of death’, or something?”

“Oh, the only time she was ever rebellious was with socializing. You were the one who helped her through that, aren’t you?”

“N-not necessarily. It was mostly Celestia and Pinkie.”

Nacht began massaging Spike’s shoulders while he reminisced. “And where would a great mare be without a great stallion right behind her?” he asked in a low tone.

“Isn’t that a tad sexist?”

“Who cares?! I’m trying to speed this up a little, that’s all!”

“Speed what up?”

“You! And Twilight! Just get it over with before Velvet and I die of old age!” he waved his hooves in the air frantically, gaining the attention of nearby attendees.

Spike’s face was completely red from embarrassment as he shushed the pestiferous unicorn. “Even so, I don’t think she sees me that way!”

“Dude, from one guy to another, just give ‘er the D, already.”

Spike rolled his eyes as he took another drink. “I think you’ve had entirely too much to drink.”

“And you haven’t had enough.” Nacht tilted the dragon’s cup up, forcing all of it to go down his throat at once.

He coughed before asking, “What the heck?!”

“DRINKING CONTEST!” Nacht yelled. He set up six cups, each filled to the brim with punch. “First to down three wins!”

“I feel like this is a ba-”

“GO!”

Spike ignored his morals, and accepted the challenge. He downed his three before Nacht could finish his second. “BOOM!” he yelled, as he puffed out his chest. “And as a prize…” he quickly grabbed Nacht’s third cup, and chugged it. “Oh shit.” The alcohol had already taken effect, as his balance was now jeopardized.

“Velvet? Velve~t? Nachty want go home now!” Nacht drunkenly yelled between holding back vomit.

“Oh, there you are!” Velvet said as she made her way toward her husband. “I take my eyes off you for five minutes, and you go and make an ass of yourself!” She paused, leaned over to the nearby donkeys and said, “No offense.”

“None taken.” They looked at Nacht with disgust.

“Well Spike, I’m sorry we didn’t get a good chance to talk.” She said, feigning her first meeting with the drake since they arrived. “I’ll have to treat you to dinner sometime for helping with the ‘cable’!” she exclaimed as she began walking away with her husband. As Spike watched them leave, she turned back to him, retrieving something from under her dress.

She pulled out a baguette.

‘No way. There’s no way she kept that.’ He could see the stains and the glistening juices from there. ‘Wow, I don’t wanna know which hole she’s been harboring that in.’ From the darkened color and splotches, he had an idea. She slowly brought it to her mouth. ‘No fucking way.’ She quickly searched for the juiciest, most stained spot, and slowly took a bite from it.

She chewed it leisurely.

‘That is one freaky-ass mare.’ Spike thought as he shook his head. She winked at him, and continued out of the castle.

He drunkenly made his way to Twilight, who was finishing a conversation with Rarity and Thunderlane. They turned to look at him, as his look sobered vastly at the sight of them.

The tension in their realm was thick enough for a [insert racist comment here] and leave her. Rarity finally spoke up. “Why, hello Spike. Where have you been? We were just talking about you.” She feigned a smile and looked to Twilight. Twilight gave her a look that could only mean “Don’t pass this shit to me!”

He quickly turned to Twilight. “Twi, I’m gonna call it a night.” He started his way up the stairs.

“Already? Spike, it’s not even midnight.”

“Let’s just say your father partied enough for the both of us.”

“O… k… well, sleep well then.” She waved lightly to him as he continued to bed.

He flopped onto the bed and sighed audibly. ‘What a day. I swear, Velvet takes years off me with some of that stuff. And the baguette. Dear Celestia, the baguette. It’s a shame she’s taken.’ He quickly drifted off to sleep.

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Later That Very Next Morning…
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♫ This the hardest beat! This the hardest beat anybody’s ever heard, it’s made out of GUNSHOTS! Gunshots are the BEAT! Whatchu ever hear harder than that?
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
AAAAAH! AAAAAH!
Takin’ off our shirts, bout to make these rifles burs.
Takin’ off our shirts, bout to make these rifles burs.
Takin’ off our shirts, bout to ma- ♫

*THUD*

Spike groggily awoke from his slumber with a throbbing headache and an awful taste in his mouth. After the basic hangover-subsiding morning activities, he descended the stairs to make breakfast. Alcohol, oddly enough, made it easier for him to wake up in the morning. After finishing the morning spread, he was greeted by his alicorn companion.

“Wow, good morning, Spike! And good spread!”

“Mornin’.” Spike said as he sat down to eat.

“According to everypony, you were kind of a ghost last night. I saw how you acted around Rarity. Was it really that big of an issue?” she looked genuinely concerned.

“No, not really. Like I said, your dad took me under his figurative wing and talked to me most of the night.”

“Oh, you know him. It’s a shame Shiny and Cadance couldn’t make it, though.”

“They still workin’ on that Crystal Empire treaty?”

“Yeah, they’ve been quite busy. But, according to them, they should be finished sometime this week!” she clopped her hooves in excitement.

“That’s good, they could use some time off.” Spike responded, taking a bite of his eggs.

“Speaking of which, I talked to my mother last night.” She said in a stern tone.

Spike had yet another spit-take and had another inner-freak-out. “A-about what?”

“That’s just it! She and I were so busy that we could hardly even say ‘hi’ to each other!” she crossed her forehooves in disappointment.

“Yeah, she seemed pretty out there.” ‘Dear Celestia, that baguette.’

“Well, I told her about Shiny having this upcoming weekend off, and she suggested that we arrange a dinner for all of us!”

“A what?!” ‘This can’t be good.’

She looked at him quizzically. “A dinner. For the whole family. I haven’t seen any of my family to a real extent since the Equestria Games. I was hoping you could join us.”

Spike contemplated Murphy’s law before responding. “Uh, sure! I’d love to!”

‘This isn’t over. Not by a long shot.’

To be continued…

Author's Note

Wow, glad this bullshit is over. Wait, there's more? Oh no~! What's with all these references? Who does he think he is, Family Guy? He wishes he was that funny. What a steaming pile of diarrhea poopoo, wrapped in a barf tortilla and served with a side of horse farts!

Is this supposed to be a clopfic, or the most unfunny piece of shit I've ever read? C'mon author, make up your mind! One time my cat jumped up on my desk, and sprayed diarrhea all over the keyboard, and it was way better than this fic. What a pile of ass chunks, covered in peepee vinegar and funneled into a fat kid's butthole!