Insanity

"Insanity"

I concluded.

That has to be it. I think that is the only explanation there is. The only thing that makes sense now.

I was walking again, walking through this white, empty, colorless, noiseless, insanity driven blank world that I belonged to.

"Insanity"

I said again, out loud just to hear something. My voice was quickly devoured by the silence that is this hell. No not hell, for that would be a better alternative than this emptiness. Not even the most damned deserve to suffer like this.

Here I was walking ...alone, thinking. It was my only past time aside from instinctive walking that hardly gets noticed anymore, and exercise that I rigorously maintain so that I can continue my endless torment of a journey.

What keeps me so sane?

Why do I still suffer from the sanity that keeps on reminding me of my surroundings?

Why am I damned to this shithole?

What monster could I have been to deserve this?

Such questions find their way into my mind often enough to teach me that they are better left unanswered.

Who was I anyway? The only thing I had to hold on to my pitiful existence was my name, Artyom, a hint at what my past might have been. Sadly I could not even have the satisfaction of having a past to call my own. Be it the corrosive damage of time, or the wrath of a cruel deity, my past had been erased, seemingly like my existence.

I had much time to grasp whatever shreds of memory I retained and patch together a mangy profile of myself. I was Artyom. I had potential Russian origins. I was bold and hard headed, not many wanted to hear what I had to say, but that was not my problem. My kindness was often overlooked by my need to express myself in whatever colorful way I needed to. I estimated my height to be 6 feet tall, and I had an average build.

I remembered how I had found minor comfort in making a profile for myself, but all good things come to an end I suppose. I no longer cared about the characteristics I had, it was all pointless, and with time my insanity will wear away at what little sanity I retained. My being would be lost like the time that inhabits my world.

Many questions have been brought up in my mind. Most were a result of self-pity, and over time I lost that too. As time passed and corroded my rationality, the questions eroded with it.  But yet one remains.

Why do I go on?

What form of madness keeps me going? Self-pity? Lust for self-torture? Reflexes?

Or...hope… there it is again. That word.

"Hope"

I whisper, yet it seems to fill this void far more than any frustrated shout.

I've learned to hate that word. It seemed so foolish of a thought that it excelled even Insanity as a motivator. Hope.

"What is it to a mad man?" I asked myself. "What could this petty little word do for a man like me?"

I laughed at the stupid idea of it being the only thing that keeps me from wasting away, something I wanted to happen long ago, but as I laughed the same old thought came to mind:

"Who are you lying to?" passed through the very back of my mind.

A heavy sigh escaped from me as I knew dam well that it wasn’t foolish. That place. Paradise as I liked to call it; that was what kept the hope alive. Whatever it was, it was wonderful, and was the only thing that hope was linked to.

Hope I concluded, was something more insane to me than wherever I am now.

I got tired of walking and eventually forced my legs to stop moving. I made this texture-less floor my bed and stared up into more blankness; I forced my eyes shut.

Falling. That’s what it felt like. Down I fell without a care in the world. The wind was a new and welcoming sensation that made me forget about the eventual bottom I would hit. The pain was familiar, I welcomed it as I knew I was in the only place that kept the hope alive.

I decided that I would just lay here for a bit. The quite moving river, the whistling air, cold breeze, the sound of other living things, the feel of the soft grass and the hard ground underneath. Everything paralyzed my senses and left me in a stupor where I tried to memorize everything I could before this beautiful world would once again be yanked from me, never to return till what seemed like ages passed, only to once again swallow me whole into this heaven. It teased me every time with something that I tried over and over to obtain. I lay here, having learned that going too far will just end this bliss faster, all the while suppressing the fear that I will lose this sensation soon.

I waited and nothing came. I was surprised at first. I knew my luck, and this didn’t seem like my lucky day. A few more minutes of sitting upright, waiting, and I got up. I took a moment to once more take in my surroundings. The blue sky, the little bird that zoomed past, the smell, life other than mine; It was amazing. I closed my eyes and just listened.

My vision and hearing had grown acute from all that time of silence and blankness; all the sounds and movements of whatever patch of forest I was in were amplified, and they surged through my nerves, motivating me to try and pick a direction to travel in.

I pondered what path would take before an angelic melody was picked up by my ears. It captivated me and I couldn’t resist its tantalizing melody. I began to walk in its direction. As it increased in volume I found myself enticed in the harmonic tune as I was uncontrollably pulled toward whatever was making it.

I found a clearing in the forest and saw that the melody seemed to be drawing all sorts of animals toward it. I hid behind a tree and following the trail of small animals with my eyes until they finally came to rest on someone. Once I saw her I froze, transfixed. I was surprised not only by the melody she was singing, but for once seeing someone capable of having a mentality and emotional range equal to mine. Admittedly I was also captivated by her beauty.

She was… different, I worded mentally. Not human that’s for sure, but I considered myself lucky as is. One of her most striking features were her wings, something that not only added to her beauty, but to my jealously from a lust to be that free. For another she was reasonably shorter, yet I did consider myself tall. Lastly her coloring caught me off guard; she was pale gold in color, and had flowing pink hair.

She kept singing, unaware of my presence. Eventually her gaze met mine when I failed to hide more efficiently. Hers widened and she recoiled, darting to the nearest cover with a fearful yelp.

"Oh no please, I didn’t mean to intrude, keep singing."

I pleaded, desperately trying to not lose this opportunity at making a possible and only friend.

"Who...what are you?"

Her soft and gentle, welcoming voice, trembled as she peeked at me from her cover; she seemed interested in my friendliness. Casually I raised my hands up and moved to where she could see that I had nothing to harm her and said:

"My name is Artyom. I'm a human and I have no idea where I am nor where I'm from. You are the only being capable of conversation that I have met for a very, very long time."

I felt pretty awkward at having to introduce myself like that, but whatever, it was the sad truth. She seemed pleased to see my desperate openness with her and came out of her cover; she remained wary of me. Her wariness got the better of me and I became slightly agitated at the way she seemed to avoid me, like a disease. I kept quiet though, I knew I wasn’t socialized and this was not a time for me to mess up on introductions.

"Oh, I never met anything like you before. You are kind of... strange." she stated.

"Likewise"

I replied quietly for her not to hear; I was starting to lose my patience at being treated like a threat.

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

She said, apparently noticing the disgust in my voice. I felt terrible, perhaps I was wrong about her. I was out of place and admittedly not the most charming at first glance.

"No I’m sorry, I’m the stranger here." I replied.

Luckily she was satisfied with my reaction and offered me some food (while I explained what little I knew about my existence) that I eagerly accepted; I was suddenly aware of an appetite that was never there before. I grateful for feeling a new sensation, be it good or bad. I was also grateful for her kindness, noticing that it rekindled a hope that was near extinction.

Kindness, I concluded, was what I she would now represent for me.

When I had eaten my full and told her my short story of torment, as well as how I was surprised I lasted long enough to meet her, she offered to go meet her friends in hopes of brightening my mood; I gladly accepted.

"Oh, I forgot to ask. What's your name?"

I asked as we rounded a path from her isolated house. I wanted to give a title to my new found friend.

“Well, my friends call me Flutters."

Flutters? I puzzled. Odd, but then again I'm here in some sort of heaven, far away from my personal hell, and talking to a...different individual who is extremely shy. I was lucky she was kind enough to help me, not to mention taking me to her friends.

Odd wasn't the right word to use, I concluded. I let her drag me along as I took in the scenery, absorbing all that I could.

As we passed the last few trees obscuring my vision, I froze in my tracks. Jaw dropped, I just stood there, stunned. I captured the world quickly as the entire scene was picked up by my heightened senses.

Everything was colorful beyond what I would have ever imagined. The town I had an elevated view over bustled below, its citizens reflecting just as much color as their town. I had mixed feelings of horror and jealousy as I witnessed that some of the residents had a sort of protrusion on their head that performed feats my simple and unsocial mind can only pair up with the word -Magic-. I noticed some had wings like flutters, while others had no extra appendages.

By now Flutters noticed my statue act, and her questioning eventually pierced my thought bubble; I was met with a concerned and questioning look, but I snapped out of it and she edged me on further. There was only one explanation that can begin to explain everything to me now.

Insanity.

And I couldn't get enough of it now.