The Republican Bureau

Pentagon

Washington DC, United States of America, North America, Large Sphere America

8:00 AM American standard time

"Gentlemen, I trust you're all aware of why we're assembled here," spoke an elderly man in a voice manifest from lungs absolutely saturated in tar from years of eating cigarettes. He wore an olive green uniform bejewled with a plethora of medals and badges, earned from dozens of victories in the recent tour for world domination. Just in case any present miraculously weren't aware of why they were there, he gestured to a graph being projected behind him. A graph detailing the popularity of the Republican party.

"As you can clearly see, despite everything that's happened in two and a half short years our poll ratings are at an all-time low. It would appear the Democrat's Ace is working out even better than they'd expected," he went on. He was referring, of course, to Democrat-terrorist Bernie Sander's latest schemes to overthrow the republican regime.

"The next presidential election is less than a year away, and if we don't do something quick our glorious leader will never get reelected! With that said, do any of you have any ideas on what to do?" He finished, oscillating his head like a deformed, fleshy ceiling fan, gazing with his human eyes at all assembled.

After a few seconds of hushed whispers, one among them rose his hand, making him the focus of attention. "Have we tried killing all the democrats?" He suggested.

The man up front let out a sigh, rubbing his temples with one hand in frustration. "Of course we tried that. Unfortunately, the anti-democrat strain of ebola was ineffective, and ended up killing just as many republicans as democrats. of course we played it off as a natural disease. Didn't you read the memo?"

Pretty much everyone in the audience shrugged, having been too busy enjoying their freedoms to read anything, much less something boring like a "memo", whatever the heck that is! It seemed they were at a complete loss as to what to do. Perhaps republicans simply weren't fit to rule the greatest country on Large Sphere America after all. But wait, what's that on the rafters?!

All spotlights swiveled up to focus on a cloaked figure on an overhanging pathway. How mysterion, who could it possibly be?

After a few seconds of utmost mystery, he removed his cloak revealing himself to all present as none other than President Donald Trump. With a feat of acrobatics that would make a young Will Smith jealous, he hopped from the rafter, doing multiple flips, before landing perfectly on the front stage.

Let's check in with our judges to see how they felt about that. All 10's! Ladies and gentlemen, I can't believe it, Donald Trump got a perfect score! In all my years!

Donald Trump put up one human hand, instantly silencing the cheering and applause from everyone in the room. With them quiet, he finally opened his beak and let out a pre-speech screech. That's right, a beak. Donald Trump had long-since transcended his flimsy human shell to become a creature of pure freedom. Half human, half bald eagle. Basically Ra. "You have little faith, mortals," he squawked in a voice sounding like multiple voices talking at once. It was super spooky. Also, he's immortal apparently.

"You don't think I already have a plan on how to fix our little republican problem?" The entire room let out a collective 'Ooooooh', like a room full of impressed, Japanese business men.

After a moment, the other man up front approached, going to one knee in utmost respect for his glorious leader. "My freedom lord, I humbly beg that you will share your divine wisdom with us, your loyal servants, that we may help you achieve your goals." For good measure, he leaned down and gave Trump a kiss (with just the right amount of tongue) right on his big toe (left bare by his sandals).

"Get up you sniveling worm, lest I be compelled to feed you to my children for breakfast," he ordered. It's funny because birds eat worms. "Of course I'll share my plans with you, why do you think I bothered to come out here? You think I like wasting my time that could be used being free?" Spoiler alert: He totally doesn't like that at all.

"My plan is simple," Donald Trump said, "if I can't find more republicans, I'll make some instead."

The audience went into an uproar, each wanting to state out-loud how genius the idea was. That is, until Donald raised a human hand and silenced them once again.

"Foolish fools, I didn't even get to the good part yet. You see, using state-of-the-art freedom technology, we're going to travel to an alternate dimension, one completely devoid of either Republicans or Democrats, and we'll indoctrinate their population to voting for me. Then I can't possibly lose and I'll be free to rule the free world for another four years. Muahahaha!"

It was true, even as they spoke, preparations were underway setting up massive machines that would teleport all of North America to this new world. The unsuspecting fools wouldn't stand a ghost of a chance.

The Royal Palace

Canterlot, Equestria, Pony Earth

9:00 AM Communist Time

It was an ordinary-human day in Pony Land and all the- wait, scratch that. It wasn't human at all. Not even one single human lives in Pony Land, nor have they ever. Ponies don't even know what those are, humans I mean, and if you went up and asked one, "hey, what are humans?" they would shake their heads as if to say 'no'. As in, "no, I don't know what humans are and I'd appreciate if you'd stop wasting my time." because time is money, and in this economy you can't afford to be wasteful.

Regardless of such things, Princess Celestia flipped and flapped her blabbering gap like the jing tinglers, flu floopers, tar tinkers, who hoovers, gar ginkers, trum tupers, slu slumkers, blum bloopers, who wompers, zu zitter carzay, and who carnio flunxes that the kids are all into these days. "Gee, it sure is boring around here," said her.

"My princess," replied one of her royal advisers, and maybe her father or something, I don't know, "this peace is what all true princesses strive for."

"I'm not a little kid anymore and I'd appreciate if you wouldn't lecture me like one, jeez!" She yelled before storming off, making sure to slam the door on the way out to let everypony (I have autism) know she was angsty angry.

Her fingernails clippity clopped against the marble floor as she trotted down the palace corridor, still fuming to herself. That is, until she tripped over something that made an annoying sound, like a cat when its tail is being stepped on. She pushed herself up off the floor in that way that horses do, and turned to angrily glare at the object she tripped on, only to find that it was actually a pony. They were so tiny compared to her, she was always tripping on them. And not just any pony, it was Twilight Sparkle, her annoying little "student". Acting as though she cared for the educational system was good for publicity, as was appearing next to a cute little filly on horse TV, so she had to deal with this dweeb from time to time.

Afore-mentioned purple pony clambered up from the floor and looked up at Celestia with gargantuan eyes, full of enough eye-jelly to feed an army of tiny ogres. Once she realized who it was, she squealed like a school girl, happy that Celestia finally noticed her. "Oh, Celestia-Sempai, I'm so clumsy,"

"Like, whatever, I bet you did that on purpose. You ponies are always against me, I hope you all die. I should just run away and never come back ever!" With that said, she galloped down the hall and locked herself in her room, finally away from all her annoying subjects.

Young Twilight-Chan just stared off at where she left to, only able to form one thought in her tiny brain. "Oh no!" she yelled like an upset frenchman as she ran after her disgruntled sempai.

Pentagon

Washington DC, United States of America, North America, Large Sphere America

9:00 AM American standard time

"Now bear with me, I know things may seem a bit grizzly because the world we're traveling to is the polar opposite of ours, but try not to feel blue, because this is what we're doing for the good of America," said Donald with his bird-human beak-mouth.

"I hate bear puns." said a forlorn parliament member.

"Gobi an idiot somewhere else," replied Donald Trump's right hand man, a lowly human by the name of Mr. Vice President.

"Stop pandaring to me, Mr. Vice President," said Donald, cold even to his closest of followers as a true leader should be.

"Koallah Akhbear," offered Mr. Vice President, but the metaphorical horse had already been beaten far too much by now and it was time to move on.

"Shut up, it's time to get serious."

With the bear pun desenter officially shut-the-fuck-upped, the room of Republicans made their way to Donald Trump's secret lair under the twin towers (because Donald Trump got elected he was able to stop 9/11, still think Bernie Sanders is cool?) and made their way to a machine that could only be described by this picture since a picture is worth 1,000 words:

"Wow, what a magnificent piece of machinery," shouted a republican that was well-aged like fine wine as he stroked a single finger through his perfectly-trimmed goatee.

"Mother of Got," another gasped, marveling at the result of years and years of freedom science manifest.

"Indeed, it is quite magnificent," Donald Trump confirmed, floating up to the machine unopposed by gravity. He placed one bird-human hand-talon on its smooth surface, feeling the cold metal with a tender touch.

Mr. Vice President stepped forward and knelt before his master, "I humbly beg you forgive my impotence, my lord, but how does it work?"

    "It uses revolutionary Republican technology," explained Donald Trump,"you see, the three most Republican things on this planet are Jesus, sarcasm, and disliking the poor. Knowing that, it was pretty simple to combine these three principals of our party to create the ultimate machine."

"That's truly fasc-"

"Shut up dreg, I'm going to fillet you, there's way more complicated stuff to cover," screeched Bald-Donald Eagle-Trump, "the device releases proton beams at near light speed in a large, circular shape exactly the diameter of North America. These proton beams rapidly circle the continent, slamming into each other at six hundred million miles per hour. The rate at which they collide creates a series of miniature black holes, all an inch across, around the entire continent. These black holes are then supercharged, causing them to rapidly atomize the whole of North America, reassembling it in a different dimension."

"That's truly fasc-"

"Silence your disgusting, non-bird-human-beak-mouth, you dumb idiot, lest I shut it permanently with a backhand that will propel you off of America and into the sun," Trump ordered, every vain in his body filled to the brim with an inhuman rage. In fact, it was so inhuman, that one could argue that it was actually half-bald-eagle. Without another word, he began operating the machine, typing the coordinates for the alternate dimension.

5-8-0-0-8

The small army of republicans looked on in confusion, too naive to possibly understand the sheer amount of freedom that had just unfolded before them. Then, suddenly, with the speed and grace of a bald eagle, the machine flipped over 180 degrees and all the republicans gasped in understanding!

8-0-0-8-5

Bald-Donald Eagle-Trump stood stoically as the beams of light(no, idiot they're protons) shot out of the device and did exactly what he said they would do. Of course nobody could have predicted that having your entire body ripped apart atom by atom would hurt, and also Bald-Donald Eagle-Trump had to lower his ki shields so he wasn't too invincible for the black holes to science him into oblivion.

Everyone's collective causality was ripped to shreds in an instant, before being flung across time and space, literally spanning the entire universe in one Planck Time. This shattered the void of the Universe's ever expanding edge, causing them to cruise through the space between multiverses, and into the nearest one, where they, as predicted by the all knowing Bald-Donald Eagle-Trump, were reassembled on a new planet, where there were no Democrats or Republicans to speak of.

"Wow, that was truly fasc-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"