The Republican Bureau

The Royal Palace

Canterlot, Equestria, Pony Earth

10:00 AM Communist Time

Celestia sat alone in her room, legs folded like the largest pretzel you can possibly imagine. Nobody understood her or her feelings, and she hated this stuffy old palace. She wished some knight in shining armor would conveniently and scientifically appear and whisk her away to a new, shining land, where she didn't have any problems. A land where she could be free, and didn't have to deal with ponies ever again. As if that would ever happen...

Suddenly she heard a knock at the door, and her legs unfolded and then refolded into a standing position, and she angrily glared at the door while simultaneously rolling her eyes. "Like, what the heck do you want? Leave me alone, I, like, want to be alone."

Normally Captain Original Character would have complied with his princess' demand, but today he had something very important to tell her. "It's actually urgent," he explained. "I'm cumming in the door."

"No, wait!" Celestia cried, tears streaming down her face, but it was too late, and Captain Origami Character came into the room and saw her wearing absolutely nothing.

"Oh, Jesus Christ," he shouted, barely able to cover his larger-than-average eyeballs with his arms, "put on some clothes you disgusting freak."

Celestia quickly covered herself with a towel with her favorite boy band on it, and blushed so furiously the blush cells in her cheeks were filled with an inhuman rage. It was probably inhuman because she's a horse. "Didn't you hear me? Don't you get it?! I. Want. To. Be. Alone!"

"I'm a magic horse that wants to be alone. Be alone. Be alone. Be alone. I'm a magic horse that wants to be alone, so just let me be a grump. You can talk about my horsin' and my grumpin' around, you can talk about my lonely days. But you must understand, I must have my princess ways."

"Be that as it may," Captain Original Character continued, "there's an emergency, and we need your input as the princess of all pony kind."

Celestia had been rolling her eyes this entire time, and they'd been slowly picking up speed. "Like, what the heck could possibly be so important?"

"Well, our advanced, magical radar has detected a new continent that appeared literally out of nowhere a few miles off the coast, which is kinda a big deal I guess, so you should probably do something about that."

"Ugh, just get Luna to deal with it or something, I'm busy lamenting."

"Luna has Asperger's, she couldn't rule her way out of a wet paper bag," replied Captain Original Gangsta Character, "she's still trying to get out of the last one you put her in."

"Ugh fine, whatever," said Celestia as she got up and headed out the door, her moist, bio-luminescent horse pussy wafting in the breeze. She cantered down the hallway and into the Room of Infinite Mystery, which was a cozy little room with exactly two windows, each of which had plaid drapes. The walls of this room were exactly ten feet high as well as ten feet across, they were made of cinderblocks, and we're adorned with blue floral pattern wallpaper. The hardwood floor had a white shag carpet with exactly thirty six cookie crumbs nestled in its depths. There was one chair in the room, it was a blue electronic recliner, with slightly indented cushions from moderate use. The cushions themselves were filled with high-tech memory foam. Next to it was a 20 year-old oak nightstand with one shallow drawer which contained six old copies of Horse Beat magazines. At the third wall, which was directly across from the mahogany double doors, there was a telecomputron, which was exactly 37 inches tall, 27 inches wide, and 18 inches long, resulting in its total volume being 17,982 inches³.

"Telecomputron, apparently a new continent has appeared on Pony Earth, please locate it, and give me the coordinates," Celestia commanded. The Telecomputron said nothing, and remained powered off as she gave it a rude look. "Telecomputron, I demand the coordinates. Don't make me ask again," she said threateningly. After a few moments she waltzed up to it, bearing her fangs and hissing, venom squirting from the hollow tips of her barbed teeth, "I don't like being ignored(except for earlier when she wanted to be alone)."

"You need to type your query into the keyboard," explained Captain Original Character, but not the same one that was at her room. This was actually that Captain Original Character but from the future because he was stuck in a time rift that existed in the Room of Infinite Mystery and had been for over two thousand years.

Celestia Blushed, forgetting that he was there. "I-it's not like I didn't know that or anything, b-baka!" Doing a back flip, Celestia landed on the adjacent wall, sticking to it with the spider-like hairs on her horse feet. Pushing a button, the shag carpet was pulled up into the rafters via a series of pulleys, revealing a giant keyboard, with keys large enough for a horse to use.

She stepped down, and tap danced her question onto the keyboard, prompting the telecomputron to power up and give her an answer, but not before it scanned her with a magical laser. "Welcome Xx360noPrincessxX. I'd love to answer your question, but I am but a humble computron. I don't know anything about some continent."

"Well, look it up on Horse Google," Celestia yelled, angrier than a bucket full of mongooses in a Dutch Oven.

"I don't actually even have internet, you only had me installed so you can pretend this room is important," replied the telecomputron.

Celestia huffed and puffed and blew the Room of Infinite Mystery down, creating more homeless pigs, and negatively impacting the economy. If only she had a top-tier politician who knew how to take something as paltry as a small loan of a million dollars, and turn it into a moderately popular TV show about celebrities trying to run a business.

"I guess I'll just go use my iPhone then," said Celestia, who is an idiot hipster who buys inferior products at twice the price cuz "muh aluminum shell." Seriously, you're all fucking retarded, Apple has always been years behind any given Android phone. Android is more accessible, more customizable, it's cheaper, it's fucking better in every way. There is literally no fucking excuse to ever buy an Apple product, you're getting scammed. iPhones just got swipe text, how long have we had that? Oh, only four fucking years.

So Celestia pulled out her inferior, overpriced piece of shit, and waited three whole minutes for Safari to get its shit together before she was finally able to Google search the location of the new continent.

"Alright, it's at Latitude:S 8° 46' 59.502". Longitude:W 124° 30' 30.6828." said Celestia,"I'll be there in like, fifteen minutes." she said as she punched the coordinates into Apple Maps.

New Freedom Air Force Base

America, Equestria(Soon to be America), Pony Earth(Soon to be America)

10:15 AM Communist Time(Soon to be American Standard Time)

Donald Trump stepped out of his private jet, which was shaped like a large, phallic object. Not that he was compensating for something, or anything like that, his genitals were actually quite impressive as far as birds go, but that's beside the point. As soon as he moved into view of the pubic, he was beset by so much clapping. Many of his adoring fans had gathered, some camping out for days just to catch a glimpse of their glorious leader. All of them were Caucasian, and absolutely 100% American(otherwise they wouldn't have been allowed in America to begin with), so there was no security concern at all.

Trump hardly offered the lot a single gaze as he had much bigger, important things to get done. Namely, the creation of some 2.2 billion new republicans, or so his scientists had estimated. 'How?', you ask. Well just fucking pay attention and you won't have to ask stupid questions to yourself, you dumb idiot.

Like the late David Blaine, he floated over the crowd and into a nearby hangar, which was filled with noble American soldiers loading a red, white, and blue AN-225 with crates. "Be careful, the contents of those boxes are the key to our victory," he ordered, getting a well-practiced salute from everyone in hearing range.

"My liege, if I may be so bold," started Mr. Vice President, nervous in the service, as he rubbed his hands together, "may I be made privy of your plans."

Donald's eyes gave off a harsh, ultra-violet glow as he activated his x-ray vision, scanning the contents of the boxes. "Using billions of taxpayer dollars, my scientists have synthesized a new type of pill that can indoctrinate xenos into noble, God-fearing republicans, aptly naming them 'republinol'. Made from a careful mixture of money, bible verses, BBQ, apple pie, and money, they will transform even the most communist of xeno into a republican, or your money back."

"Absolutely fascinating," said Mr. Vice President as he got an idea. An awful idea. Mr. Vice President got a wonderful, awful idea.

Just then, Captain John Washington, approached them, giving a salute that was pretty good if I'm gonna be honest. "My President! We've detected a xeno heading towards this exact spot at high speeds. Should we engage?"

Donald chuckled to himself, realizing that this would be the perfect opportunity to test his new republipills out. "No, I'll deal with this intruder myself."

Just as he had finished formulating and vomiting out that glorious sentence, a white, clearly magical horse appeared, hovering high above the humans and bird-human below.

Donald Trump smirked and flapped his wings, flapping his flappers so hard that he rose to meet Celestia in midair.

"Like, why have you bunch of dweebs appeared here?" Asked Celestia.

"Pshh... nothin' personnel.... kid," replied Bald-Donald Eagle-Trump, being as cool as any being could hope to be. The communism that laced every syllable of the magic horse's words stung his pure, American ears, but he knew better than to show that to this new potential foe/voter, "we were just trying to strengthen our political party."

"What party might that be? The Horse Party? That's like, totally the only party I've ever heard of."

Donald cringed internally as another wave of concentrated communism completely coated his earballs, dousing his little listeners in the tongue of an impossible economic system.

"Perhaps we can discuss this over the traditional meal of my people," replied Trump.

"And what meal might that be?"

"A healthy dose of beer, biscuits, and a big fucking t-bone steak."

"I'd be delighted to join you, all horses totally looove meat. I love eggs personally, ponies have no time for dirt-devouring beasts. We've got to have eggs, thrice a day at least.

"Well maybe we can just give you some eggs and bacon or something, with a Caesar salad on the side."

"You imbecilic eater, great green gobs couldn't possibly be sweeter, than a pile of eggs." (It's ironic because Donald Trump is a bird).

"Okay, we'll get you some fuckin' eggs."

And so it was that Bald-Donald Eagle-Trump and Magic Horse swooped down to feast upon cow flesh and chicken menstruation.