Fallout Equestria: Side Stories are Magic

”So Billy, do you like Gladiator Movies?

Ever wanted to meet your childhood hero but when you do you find they’re a schmuck and you feel like you got ripped off somewhere along the line? Well that just means you’re a fucking idiot for choosing the hero that sucks. I forget where I was going with this, but the point is that I’m the greatest and I know it.

We had stolen an APC from my brother and were making our way to The Hoof. Would’ve grabbed a sky-wagon but I only know how to drive stick. About halfway to our destination the vehicle broke down and we had to continue on hoof. At some other point we had got lost and a storm was being brewed up above. We took shelter in an abandoned building in the outskirts of town. It was a fairly large complex, four stories high and with two sub-basements. We took our time to explore and neutralize whatever security protocols were still active. Midge-Midge is a pretty good shot for a squirt. Could be cleaner, but I’m just glad to see my apprentice is good for something. A few stray shots nearly nicked me, I’ll have to get her back for those sometime.

The rain’s coming down in palettes, we’re going to be trapped here for a while. “Hey Midge-Midge, go see if there’s anything to eat.” The filly nods and walks off. I look over my knife, something’s different about it. It seems cleaner than usual. Freshly polished and sharpened even.

“I don’t recall an engraving being on this. Tar.. Tari… Tarides.. Rires. Tarides Rires, the fuck does that… Oh.” Hearth’s Warming come early. Onto something slightly more prevalent, just what is this building? Its so pink and garish. Wait, I suddenly have an urge to bounce around and sing about how to bake a portal. Could it be? No… I need to check just to be sure. I gallop outside and look at the building.

“IT IS! HA HA~!” Oh happy day, oh happy day! I rush back inside, I have to find M.M. and tell her the great news. Where is she? She’s not in the pantry. I smell kerosene. CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! Where is she!? Down the hall! Left! Right! Right! Left! Right!

Feathers, grey, damaged and filthy. Gryphons. Probably from Fillydelphia. No, the wear pattern lacks the rad-damage and soot of the Pit. It looks more like vulcanized…

“MOTHER FUCKER!” Hot said those bastards were after me. As to how they tracked me is unthinkable. It’s not like I carved a scar of death and destruction up this way. Wait, oh that son-of-a-bitch is going to pay the next time I see him. Gotta move, my little sister is in danger.

“Hey punk!” I stop and duck just in time to avoid the wall decimating slug that tore through the air. A headshot if I was slower. You know, I was kinda apprehensive about swapping out my SMG for a shotgun and yet I feel it was wise. Now seeing the situation, I’m really glad I swapped. Before me stood an armored gryphon, in his arms my little sister covered in accelerant with a lighter. “Checkmate.”

“You alright, Midge-Midge?”

“Running I don’t want to be here anymore…” This is going to be a very painful, very slow death for the feather-fucker. “This dude smells like ass.” That’s my girl.

“QUIET BITCH!” He digs his claws into her. “YOU RUNNING WATER!?”

“Mother fucker, did I stutter?”

“SHUT UP!” He hits her again. “ARE YOU!?” I raise an eyebrow and smirk.

“Bitch, I might be.” His left turns red as a blood vessel ruptures. “You mad, bro?”

Midge-Midge raises her hind-leg and brings it down on his foot. He squawks and releases her. “Little cunt!"

“Hey stupid.” He looks to me, “Is it just me, or is it cold in here?”

BADDUM!

He screams and leaps back as flames erupt from the kerosene puddle. Midgey douses herself in dirty water before the flames make it to her. Coolest filly ever. The gryphon tackles me to the ground and slashes at me.  Midge-Midge’s laser pistol stabs his metal armor with pink bolts. One of them warps the flesh of his exposed neck. When he looks to her, I kick him off of me. The metal avian catches himself and ripostes with a volley of bullets. That rifle shouldn’t even be able to fire that fast, it has to be modded. Or custom, depending on how much of a cunt this guy is.

Pink bolts streak over head, good. While Midge-Midge is distracting the iron-parakeet, I’m gonna run out back. When we were scouting this place out, I took the lobby, basement, and storage room. In storage, I had discovered massive transport containers filled with drums of Taint. Tangy, spicy, sweet Taint… That sounded really dirty. I love it.

This thing must weigh 128lbs. cause by Pinkie, its fucking heavy. That or it only feels heavy because I had mini-doughnuts, a scotch, and a smoke this morning. Breakfast of Champions. Oh good, an elevator. Lucky we found the ONE FUCKING BUILDING IN THE WHOLE WASTELAND THAT STILL HAS WORKING GENERATORS. Pinkie Pie, I love this world.

This Music sucks.

“Thats why its called ‘Muzak’ cause it’s the Un-Music.”

Either way, it sucks and we should change it. Do we still have that Los Pegasus-Band disk?

“I think so. Ooh! 2nd floor.”

Alright, dragging this son‘nuvva bitch towards the sound of cursing and gunfire. Shit, the drum is ruining the carpet. Snagged a pitcher and a funnel along my way. What I see next I was not prepared for. Midge-Midge was sitting behind an overturned desk and was shooting rubber bands at the gryphon; who was in turn returning fire with paperclips and erasers.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?”

Both look to me with embarrassed expressions. Midge-Midge was the first to speak.

“Well, we ran out of ammo and—!”

“She’s too small to fight claw-to-hoof in a fair fight—!”

“So we improvised and, well, here we are.” I set down the pitcher and funnel and cross my hooves. After glaring at both for about four minutes, I speak.

“I’m not angry, I’m just very disappointed in both of you. Midge-Midge, I thought I taught you better than to rely solely on firearms. Random Gryphon-Reaper-Dude, you’re supposed to be one of the Wasteland’s elite warriors.”

“My name’s Chad.”

“Don’t tell me your name, you’re not prevalent enough to the story to warrant a—“

“My name is Chad.”

“I don’t care.”

“Call me Chad, motherfucker!” He raises his empty rifle and tries to bash me with it, which is responded to with a slash across the groin on my part. While he’s holding himself screaming, Midge-Midge gets some belts and the desk she was using for cover. We strap him down and I start prying open the taint drum. Shove the funnel down his gullet.

“Doctor, the patient seems to be suffering from profuse bleeding in core region!” I say while adjusting my candy striper hem.

“SHUT UP NURSE!, I know what I’m doing. I was trained in CUCARACHA! The patient needs 40cc’s of zychlorimetrium!” Midge-Midge holds out her hoof expectingly as I dip the pitcher into the drum. My whole arm feels tingly, like when you masturbate by rubbing live batteries on your cock. Feels good man.

Midge-Midge teeks the rainbow goop thingy and dumps it down the gryphon’s throat, who immediately begins choking. The feathers around his head begin to fall off as tumors and cancerous growths form across his face. Between the choking gurgles and the freaky pulsing glare he’s giving us, this is entertaining. Midge-Midge is grinning like she has hemophilia.

“TASTE THE RAINBOW MOTHER FUCKER!” She screams just the last ounce drains into the gryphon's warped, exposed stomach. Is it… Is his?

“Oh shit. OH SHIT!” I hate to ruin Midge’s moment, but it was necessary to tackle her down and strap on a gas mask to her. The Gryphon’s abdomen ruptures and releases toxic gas is spewed into the room. Staying low to the ground, we make our way to the stairwell and close the door behind us.

“Hey bro..”

“Yeah?”

“Could you teach me how to be like you?” I love this filly.