The Wolf and the Unicorn

Authors note: Sorry guys, I just had to end the last chapter at that.  It was too good to pass up.  As I was saying in the last chapter, I'm going to try to link up photos at the end of this one so you get a rough idea of what the gear looks like.

It was just awkward.  I stood there for about a minute as I realized that I was completely and utterly naked in front of a pony who jokingly (I hope) commented about studying male human anatomy.  I honestly expected to get yelled at as I was pretty sure I made a lot of noise during the transformation, as you could hear the pounding of hooves as someone galloped toward the basement door.

Twilight still hadn't moved, a look of shock on her face as I slipped on my boxers.  Just in time too, as Pinkie Pie and Spike burst into the basement.

"Twilight!  Twilight, are you okay?  Where's Hex and whats that thing?"

"OOOOH!  Are you new to Ponyville too?  I'm already throwing a party tonight.  Would you like to come?  I can do your welcome to town party tomorrow if you like..."

I just had to cut the hyper one off, as she would keep rambling if I didn't.

"Pinky... PINKY!  Its me, Hex.  This is what I look like as a human.  I'm just happy you guys took a second to get down here.  I was completely naked until a minute ago."

"Why were you..."

"Pinky.  Check on Twilight for me, okay.  She hasn't moved since I transformed.  Once I get dressed I'll come over and check on her too."

Thankfully common sense reigned the sugar addicted pony in as she ran over to check on her friend.  It looked like she was mumbling something to herself.  I'll tell you what though, it felt so weird to be sliding clothes on after so long.  As I tugged the pants up, there was a moment of panic as I thought my tail was going to catch.  Thankfully, I was wrong since I had no tail now.  Shirt and jacket pulled on, as I stepped into my extra boots and zipped them up.  Those were a nice feature as I could keep them tied and just zip up the side if I needed them in a hurry.

The last thing to go on was a small pair of thin goat leather and rubber gloves, mostly just to hide the gemstones imbedded in my palms.  I'd already seen Spike eying them once or twice, and I didn't want to stand out anymore then I had to.

My soft footsteps did nothing to pull Twilight out of her fugue, so I did the only thing that came to mind.  Anyone who has older brothers knows this trick.  I bent down and blew a raspberry against the end of her nose.  For the record, another one of my bad ideas, as her pupils contracted and she snapped back to herself.  And then snapped her head into mine.

Who the fuck knew a pony would headbutt you?!?

It was apparently a few minutes until I regained consciousness.  Naturally, my head felt like I had been hit by something heavy, and was pounding like hell.  I wonder how many hits it would take to give me brain damage at this rate.  I swear I could hear faint laughter from somewhere.

"Hex, are you okay?  I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit you!  You just surprised the buck out of me by doing that."

I just waved at her as I tried to get to my feet, groaning softly.

"The only reason I did that was Pinkie wasn't having much luck snapping you out of, well, whatever you were in.  She even pulled a small alligator out of somewhere and let it bite you on the butt...erm... flank.  Didn't do a thing.  By the way, why did you zone out?  Liked the view much?"

I just had to smirk at that, especially when the usually lavender pony turned a shade darker.

"Shut up Hex," she chuckled, when you are feeling up to walking, we really need to do a tour of town now that you look like a bush."

I just shrugged and started toward the steps, leaning on the wall as I went.  This was going to be a long day.

The general tour of the town went fairly quickly as anywhere we went, the ponies seemed to disappear.  I did get to meet a few interesting ponies at least.  There was the walleyed mail mare, Derpy Hooves, who seemed to accept the name even though someone would have gotten their ass beat back home for it.  They tried to introduce themselves to their friend Fluttershy, but when they bumped into her in the market she only meeped and bolted for cover.  Supposedly she'd come out of hiding for the party though.  I just hope I didn't scare her too much, as she seemed like the fragile sort.

We were heading toward a place called "The Carousel Botique," when I heard something unexpected.  The giggling of kids.  That is NEVER a good sign.  Especially when you hear them yell "WE'LL SAVE YOU!" and a very undersized net is dropped on your head.  Thankfully it only covered my head and chest.  That was the good news, because if I could get my hands on those fillies there would be blood.

Why, you ask?  They decided to weight the net for some reason.  And one of those weights just so happened to swing down at ball height.  Oh, but the fun doesn't stop there readers, you know I can't get off that easy.  The moment I bent over to puke my speen out, my legs were kicked out from under me and then someone sat on me.

  FUCK.  MY.  LIFE.

If I weren't occupied trying to cough out a testicle, I'd probably be trying to get my hands on the three little ponies that came out of nowhere.

"We got 'em for ya Twilight!"

"We stopped the monster!"

"Yay!  Cutie Mark Crusader monster catchers!"

*unintelligible cough and moaning in pain*

"Girls!  That isn't a monster.  He is a guest in Ponyville and his name is Hex.  Now apologize!"

"We're sorry!" all three of them echoed at once "we were just trying to get our cutie marks and saw a monster next to Twilight and wanted to help."

If I could have moved I'd go all Homer Simpson on those fillies.  I was a little preoccupied with finding my nuts though.

It was probably the longest and most awkward few minutes of my life as the fillies kept apologizing for nearly castrating me.  Apparently, nopony other then Twilight knew the meat and veg on a human was there.  After a short, and thankfully lacking detail lecture the girls apologized again and took off.  Seriously, today just sucked.

I did learn a few things though.  Apparently the little white and purple one was named Sweetie Belle and is Rarity's sister.  Rarity was the pony we were on our way to visit when my testicles were brutally attacked in the commission of a crime against humanity.  The other two were Scootaloo, an orphan Pegasus who was taken in by several ponies in town, and Apple Bloom, the sister of AppleJack, who I was supposed to meet later.  Five bucks says that family has some weird obsession with apples or something.

After some convincing, Twilight decided I could probably use some rest after being brutally attacked so many times in one day, so I would meet the rest of the ponies at the party in the evening.  I needed a nap.  When we got back to the library, that's also when I realized that there was no bed my size, so the floor was the order of the day.  Any port in a storm I guess.

Nightfall came too soon, as I apparently slept the day away.  As always, Luna had a beautiful moonrise that I just had to stand and stare at.  The night sky was always a favorite of mine back home, even more so now that I understood the artistry put into it.  I had no idea how much time had passed as I stood there, just enjoying the feeling of the moonbeams flowing over me from the first full moon I'd seen in a while.

A soft knock on the door frame behind me grabbed my attention however, as Twilight cleared her throat.

"It's time for the party Hex.  Pinkie does want it to be a surprise though, so when we get near Sweet Apple Acres I'm going to blindfold you and lead you in if that is okay."

All I could do was shrug.  So long as she didn't run me nut first into anything, it was fine by me.  I'd never had a surprise party in my life, so this could be fun.  So I gently closed the doors to the balcony and started following Spike and Twilight toward the party.  Somehow I figured my five dollar bet to myself was about to come true.

The walk was longer then I expected, but I loved every second of it.  It was the first time I'd been out of the castle gardens at night and the new sights and smells were wonderful.  The soft scent of nightly dew teasing my nose, next to the copper scent of the loamy clay lining the nearby creek, all blended with the sweet, tender flavor of night blooming orchids.  The ponies might be crazy, but their world was beautiful.

Soon enough though, it was time for a blindfold as we neared a darkened barn.  Darkness covered my eyes as purple magic lowered a cloth onto my head and slowly teased me toward the door looming in the darkness.  The smell of ponies assaulted my nose, clover and other flowers, hay, a touch of sweat and soap, the scents I had learned so well lately.  There had to be lots of them.

Brightness exploded into my vision as the cloth was ripped from my face, my ears trembling under the volume of dozens of voices shouting at once, then tapering down to mumbles and silence.  I could feel every pair of eyes staring at me as they tried to figure this puzzle out.  Thankfully the pink one popped out of her hiding spot and into full view of the crowd.

"Hey Guys, this is Hex!  He's a human who is going to be living in Ponyville while he works with Twilight on some stuff!  I'm sure he'll answer your questions later, but we've got a PARTAY TO START!"

I swear that last bit made my ears feel like they were caving in.  Before I could open my mouth to say a word, Pinkie waved her hoof and the lights cut as a bass line I could feel in my chest tore through the barn, neon and lasers bursting to life with the beat.  I hate to say it, but I think Pinkie threw me a rave party, and that is freaking awesome!

Somehow or another, I ended up with a mug of something that smelled like hard cider in one hand and a slice of chocolate cake in the other as I was pulled through the crowd.  Twilight and Pinkie pointing out different ponies as we walked.  Let me tell you, it is hard to balance a paper plate on a glass so you can eat cake and walk.  That cake was pure crack though.  It looked like a regular chocolate cake, but on the inside it was chocolate on steroids.  It was the Chuck Norris of layer cakes.  There was coconut, vanilla, and rum buried in the center, I swear there was some cinnamon and chili pepper in the frosting, and just a touch of cherry mixed throughout.  That pink pony could bake one hell of a cake.

As the night carried on, I met more ponies then names I could remember.  The lights seemed to get brighter and the music louder as mug after mug of cider was handed to me.  Everything got a little blurry after that.

Pain.  Pain is what woke me up.  The amount of pain I think you'd get if you tried to pick your nose with a chainsaw.  As I tried to look around with blurry eyes, my hand brushed against fur.  Fur in pretty much every direction I could feel.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO LAST NIGHT!?!?!?!?!