It was mid-afternoon in the small town of Kentville, Nova Scotia. On a well-tended to lawn I sat, splayed out lazily on my lawn chair. The sun shone down from the blue sky, wispy clouds of nimbus in the vast sea of blue beauty as well.

My peace was then disturbed when my damn phone rang. I nearly jumped out of my skin, the cellphone vibrating in my pocket. I groaned, and answered the call. ‘Oh, it’s Zach.’ I thought as I said, “Hello?”

“Ey. You know the friggin’... friggin’... shit, nevermind, I forgot. But anyway. Hear about the cure for cancer they’re developing?” The man on the other side of the line asked.

I nodded, although he couldn’t see me. “Yeah, yeah. What about it?”

“Apparently some shit went wrong while they tested on it.” He said, almost as if he regretted saying it.

“What do you mean?” I asked, sitting up in my chair, watching the cars go by.

He sighed. “Well, they got it under control, but the thing is, one of the scientists ended up getting bitten by the lab rat they tested it on. He’s apparently been transferred to the nearest hospit--”

I cut him off. “Where?”

“I think it’s the hospital right across from the department of natural resources? Well, anyways, it seems like he’s a-”

“A what?”

“A zaaambiiieee...” He said in a spooky voice.

“If you’re fucking with me, I will...” I was cut off by him.

Chuckling, he replied, “Nah, probably just got some nasty-ass infection. Dem rats be nasty, brah. Anyway, I gotta get back to writing.”

“I heard about that, what are you writing?”

“A story.”

“What story?”

“A story, y’idiot.”

Then he hung up on me. Huh.

Asshat.

I sighed, and went back inside my home. It wasn’t really any kind of elaborate estate or anything like that- just a simple two-story home. I whistled a little tune, and made myself some linner. I missed lunch, and it was half-way to dinner, so why the hell not? Linner.

Why linner and not dunch? Because dunch sounds retarded.

‘That sounds really stupid.’

Shut up. Anyway, once again, after eating my LINNER-

‘Seriously, I’m going to cockslap you. Enough with it, just say dinner.’

No, fuck off!

‘No you fuck off!’

YOU!

‘YOU!’

‘We should stop fighti-’

PENIS!

‘Penis?!’

PENIS!!!

…

‘WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, NUMB-NUTS!?!?’

‘How about you shut up?’

Can you guys just let me think?

‘NO.’

• - - - Midnight...

Some hours after that batshit insane argument with myself, I fell asleep on the couch after watching some shows on the Food Network.

Outside, someone was on my lawn. Their head was thrown back, and they were limping across the grass.

Of course, my door was shut and locked.

And in my dreams, I was far less peaceful.

I was looking through a child’s eyes, which were mine. I always remembered the feeling. The feeling of being loved by someone I cared for, someone who cared for me. Somebody to love, and somebody who could love back.

She held my hand. She was beautiful... oh so beautiful. The woman who I cared for, who cared for me, had a warm smile on her face. She held me in her motherly embrace.

I was home.

The smile on my face was crushed when I heard a ringing. I woke up. Static on the TV, pitch blackness around me. My phone on the table, ringing and vibrating.

It was three in the morning, what could Zach want NOW!?!?!?

I picked up the phone. “What?” I was tired, that much was apparent from my tone.

“Eeeeeyyy maaaan,” His... was he fucking high? “This shit is... oh fuck I dropped some...”

“You got into your sister’s weed brownies, didn’t you.”

“Heheheh, what are you talkin’ bout maaaan...”

I hung up after that. Idiot.

‘I can guess that he’s also correct.’

About what?

‘I don’t know, whatever he was talki-’

That’s right, you don’t know.

‘Oh shut up.’

No.

I sat down on the couch again. God dammit, Zach can be so annoying sometimes.

Riiing, Riiiing, Riiing.

I slammed my finger on the answer button and shouted into the mic.

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?”

“Shit, dude, ya gotta heeeelp me, there’s a bunch of guys outside aaaaaand they’re trying
to break my door dooooownnn-”

“Will you shut the hell up? Your hallucinations are not going to kill you, stop eating the
fucking brownies.”

“What broooooownies?”

I sighed. This was not going to end well.

“The fucking brownies you were eating earlier.”

“I wasn’t eaaaaaating any brownies.”

I hung up.

‘You shouldn’t of done that.’

Shut up. I could strangle you.

‘That would be a form of suicide.’

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

‘How about no.’

I grabbed my phone and shut it off, getting out my laptop. After I did, I got onto it, and opened up my browser.

Ping!

Why the hell am I still logged onto Skype?

I typed, ‘What do you want?’

Zach responded, ‘Dude. Get over here.’

I answered with, ‘Why?’

Zach said, ‘Well, there are these awesome things called... shit, idk gtg’

It just ended there.

‘Alright, I’m fed up with this shit.’

I logged out.

Then, I heard a crash upstairs. “What the...” I jerked my head to the stairs, and cracked my neck. “Owww, ow ow owww fuck...” I held my neck in pain. What the hell was that? “Hello!” I called out. “Is anybody up there?!” I looked back.

There came no answer.

“I’m gonna call the police if you don’t come down right now!” I warned, before I took my phone into hand. I stood up, and walked to the stairs. Cautiously, I moved forward, silently. I flicked on the lights, illuminating the hallway above as I walked into it. I opened the door to the first room, poked my head in, turned on the light and looked around. Nothing. The same was so for the second room. Then the bathroom, then the storage... finally it was my room.

I opened the door, turned the light on... poked my head in...

And went pale as a ghost.

Author's Note

So yeah.