My Little Pony: Alternate Universal Magic

Episode 7A: The Neon Less Trotten:

I’m starting to lose track of time…. How long has it been? Four days? Four weeks? Four months? Four years!? In Neon’s world, time is almost irrelevant. It’s also hard to tell the time in Jesse Jackson’s basement……… too soon? Am I hitting over the target yet over someone else’s basement? Is Jesse Jackson still alive back in my universe? Is Jesse Jackson even real to begin with? I don’t know anymore…. What am I doing here, why am I writing this? Oh right…..

The thing that keeps my sanity in this place that Neon has us under. This hell that we can never escape from as we forever stuck in a never ending loop of madness. Oh well, no crying over spilled beans…. Milk… whatever. It’s not like a milk salad or anything. So I guess what happened recently was The BlowTroops. And no, it’s not a sex thing or a kink thing, even though it does sound kind of a quirky kinky time to be in a BlowTroop. Hey, don’t ask, don’t tell, am I right? So let’s see where to start at…. Uhh….

It was just a normal day in Neon’s World. Neon was behind the counter keeping an eye on us like a hawk; making sure we were staying in our places and not doing things that he didn’t like. Neon would pretend be doing stuff like making a cake or spinning an ice cream shake; but really he was just mashing around what looked like clay or possibly some pony’s organs that he found. Who knew what he was really doing as we just kept to ourselves.

Neon would just stand there…. Smiling at us and locking us down with his frightful eyes. We all kept our cool though, pretending that he wasn’t even there as we minded our own business and did things to keep our minds off the depression of our lives. Yet, his presence could be still felt from far and wide and even up close with just his eyes. Wolf was still lying down, like a bump on the log and was ahead of the rest of us and given up just about on life. He was somewhere…. Doing something in the background that I can’t even tell you, even looking back on it.

He may have been jacking off in his own mind. Me, Jack, and Mac were playing cards in the corner by the entrance like usual as it was the easiest way to past the time…. I think I was winning…. But I can’t tell what games that ponies play…. See what I did there, I referenced a My Little Pony episode. I only know season 1 through 3 and I think 4. I don’t know, I left like in 2013, for all I know I just referenced a reboot of Night Court episode. That was a fun show to pretend that existed. Anyways, we were doing our thing, Forrest was in a booth reading a half burned book of some kind in the other corner; and Arrell…. Was somewhere in the back.

We…. Didn’t know what happened to him at the time, but he was fine as he was just trying to cope with his life. All was silent in the Part Store as the humming in the background in the green haze of the sky continued. But then all of a sudden a disfigured, scrawny looking deer came waltzing through the door in an official BlowTroop uniform, made from rags and other burned pieces of clothing found through Neon’s World.

It was also decorated with a yellow sash and some badges that looks like it was done by a four year old. The deer had a light grey coat color all with walking on its hind legs, an eye missing with the empty eye socket that looks like you could fuck it; and three antlers. He also didn’t have any eyelids so he couldn’t blink and his voice sounded like that of a fruit bowl that took it up the ass so much that his farts would probably sound like the wind. It also sounded like his balls didn’t drop yet.

Well the deer came walking on in like it was a normal, everyday creature with in his left deformed hoof holding a broken, rusty trumpet and in the other a scroll. As it stood by the entrance of the Party Store, our attention turned to the deer as he took the rusty trumpet to its mouth and blew the best he could. The sound was of course terrible as our pony ears (except for Neon’s) were flattened back as we cringed with our teeth. The sound of the attempt at making any music from the instrument was awful, yet felt a little welcome due to the fact that anything was better than Neon. After the deer sustained a note for at least eleven seconds long, the deer was about to say something.

I then looked back from my chair as I said with a pessimistic look on my face as I asked him kindly, “Who the fuck are you? And what the fuck are you? Can’t you see were trying to wallow in our own misery in our own healthy way?”

Mac chimed in with me as he raised his right hoof forward and an annoyed face, “Yeah! I want to be miserable in peace you damn varmint!?”

The deer then yelled out in his fruity, low tone voice, “I apologize, but I am here on behalf of King BlowHard on information on your request to join the BlowTroops!”

Arrell’s ears perked all the way from the back as he busted through the kitchen doors with a gleeful face as he yelled out, “The BlowTroops!? What took you so long!?”

As Arrell was walking forward, I questioned him with a brow slightly raised, “You know this jerk dick Arrell?”

Jack then looked a little angered as he sat back a little bit in his pony chair as he questioned as he squinted his eyes, “Yeah? How do you know him exactly? I thought everypony was supposed to have been dead?”

Neon then finally spoke up. He stood there like a statue and looked like he was angered too as much as Jack was, yet keeping his smile all the same.

He said through his lying teeth, “Yes. Unfortunately I didn’t get everypony when I had my “little outburst” back then. There are still some stragglers out there. And the ones that didn’t stay in the happy place had a slight…. Defect in the process of my rising….”

Neon’s neck then snapped towards Jack with a crackling sound as he looked at us with his dreadful eyes and smile, “There was sadly a side effect to my “fun” and it sadly caused some animals to mutate to the level of what ponies used to be. And they have since created a society of their own. I have yet to “cleanse their souls” and free them from their “holes”. I only haven’t done it yet because I have allowed them to exist in my world. And when I deem the time is right, I will rid them from existence itself and make sure they don’t even leave a mark in this world. I will wipe the slate clean and make it a world just for us and us only…. Buuuuddddiiiieeeessss….”

There was a moment of silence until Mac said with an innocent smile “Well good luck with that….”

Clearly Neon wanted to kill the mutated animals and the rest that lived without permission in his world, yet something was preventing him from doing so. What that was, I have yet to find out. But regardless of Neon’s point of view, Arrell was at least happy. I looked over to see him and he wasn’t even paying attention. He was happy for once in this dump of a land. And the fact that animals were upright and talking, it’s like all of his life’s work finally came full circle and nature itself imitated his hours of his efforts from before the blast. He was happy to see something that he was used to, especially since AssHat wasn’t with us anymore.

In fact…. I think Arrell was talking about the whole BlowHard thing for the last few days if I can think about it….

ONE WEEK AGO….

Oh yeah…. Looking back through my magic window portal thingy, Arrell was foreshadowing King BlowHard to us this entire time. Well let met write down the context for that, I’m sure you fine folks would like to know this too. So a week ago, Arrell was all by himself on the hunt for flowers that Neon had told him to fetch, yet doesn’t exist anymore due to the blast. Yet, Neon, in his all creepy fucking wisdom, insisted on Arrell fetching some for his “Special Baby Cakes.”

Don’t ask, but it involved some type of unborn fetus of some kind. Anyways, Arrell, in a depressed state, went out on his own and embraced the dark green sky. He looked upwards as he only tried to see what he used to see; a happy place where ponies could run around and talk and play. Looking around the remnants of Stalia only gave him the feeling of nostalgia for a time long gone that was taken from him by Neon.

The more he tried to think of it, the more he had hoped he would be able to go back to those good times. Yet, the more he stared into the abyss of destruction and decay, all he could feel was nothing. He was filled with a deep emptiness that he only gave a sigh as he hung his head low and walked quietly as his hooves clopped on the ground. As he was walking, a flyer was being blown by a nearby gust of wind. It just so happened that it was going towards Arrell’s direction as he walked right into the flyer. It covered his face as he quickly took his right hoof and looked at it.

It read, “Looking for hope in your meaningless life? Interested in learning skills to scam others? Want to earn useless badges to brag to others about? Want to know how to tie 7,144,121 different types of knots? THEN ENLIST IN THE BLOWTROOPS TODAY! Inspire to be like KingBlowHard even though you won’t amount to anything in life! Enlist with 5 other friends and receive free gum! Gum may cause a side effect of unknown diseases. KingBlowHard is not responsible for any possible deaths when joining the BlowTroops or chewing the gum. Send in your application with a 4 bit charge. No purchase is necessary.”

Arrell’s face lit up as he grinned from ear to ear. He was suddenly filled with hope and passion as he could only see a potential future in his eyes where things could be great again. I don’t know why he was so happy, a 4 bit charge to send in an application is outrageous I say! But hey, we all get scammed at times. Anyways, Arrell saw it and enlisted us without our consent….

And as we all know, and what a skeleton hambone once told me through some fiber optic cables, SILENCE IS CONSENT!

So you know, I guess we did agree to the Terms and Condition. But ever since then on that Fumetastic Day, Arrell has had hope ever since as he had seemed a little too happy around the store. Although if you ask me, I think Arrell was just happy to see some animals that he may or may not be able to torture ever since AssHat was gone. He had a hole in his heart to fill, and KingBlowHard was the next best thing for him.

BACK IN THE PRESENT….

So that was the context in case you needed it. You probably didn’t, but hey…. We all need a five hour prequel to explain where a flyer came from. It probably went through some bloodshed and some wars with some deep lore attached to it. You never know, maybe I can write that too, might be a best seller in Neon’s World and I’ll still get on the New York Times’ Bestseller list still.

Anyways, Arrell was standing there like a kid who is ready to beat his first pig to death at a slaughterhouse. You know, a kid who is in the family business at the butcher shop, but also owns a slaughterhouse, and that same kid wanted to sing and dance, but his Slavic based father said no to him or else he’ll throw him off the rooftop. So the same kid slowly goes insane as he starts to seeing Muppet like creatures in his closet telling him to cut himself every night despite that’s the Ritalin taken affect. And while he knows they aren’t real, he still does it anyways to feel something to fill in the void of his Slavic father telling him no.

So he slowly goes insane as he loses blood from his veins and decides that the next best thing in life is to torture and kill animals, and while you can’t do it for nothing legally, you can however do it for a paycheck at the slaughterhouse. And that’s where your hamburgers come from as the born psychopath guts the pigs while laughing until he bleeds out to death, to which the father will then spit on him because the kid wasn’t Slavic enough. Yeah…. That kind of standing.

Arrell was giddy as he looked at the representative and told, “Well, what’s the news? Are we in?”

I then blurted out with an annoyance on my face, “Who’s we? We didn’t sign up for anything.”

Arrell nervously smiled at me and said, “Oh don’t worry Knight, it’ll be fine, just trust me!”

I then stared at him while slightly squinting my eyes, “Didn’t you trust a cat that tried to kill me last time?”

Arrell then playfully brushed me off as he turned his head, “You’re still on that? Pffft, that was ages ago.”

I then looked at him cynically, “That was two weeks ago.”

Arrell then said to me gleefully, “And I’ve grown since then. Your point?”

I then said to him as I looked back at my cards, “I thought you were supposed to be smarter than me with all the fancy knowledge you have.”

Arrell said to me with a hint of egotism, “Of course I am, unlike you who lived in a library and didn’t use it to your advantage.”

I then said to him while still looking at my cards, “At least I don’t make animals that ask to be killed.”

Arrell shrugged me off, “Whatever.”

He then looked back at the representative and asked kindly, “So, what’s the final answer?”

Arrell was bending his pony knees a little bit while bopping up and down, “KingBlowHard has made his final answer, which usually doesn’t happen. Since you’re ponies, we would deny you, but because KingBlowHard has taken special interest in you, you have been granted acceptance into the BlowTroops! However, before we can allow you in, you must first past initiation!”

Arrell jumped up with a spring in his hooves as he was happy to hear the news; despite not being officially in just yet. Neon then crept up behind Arrell like the liquid terminator and wrapped his left pony arm around Arrell’s back. Arrell was undisturbed as Neon stared back with dilated pupils.

Neon then whispered into his right ear, “I think this is a great idea friend. Pass so we ALL can get in and so I can ‘meet’ KingBlowHard myself.”

Arrell backed up a bit but with a smile still, “You’re excited to join the BlowTroops too?”

Neon just stood there, still as a figure, “Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssss.”

Neon started to crank his neck a bit backwards, “I just want to meet the KING who was able to get away from my explosion and…. Start a society that I do not approve of.”

Neon’s neck started to crackle and bend even more backwards as he continued to speak like a deranged pony, “I just want…. Shake his flipper or…. Whatever the FUCK he is!”

Neon’s whole body started to twist and turns in ways I didn’t even imagine as he continued to say out loud for us all to hear, “And I just want to give him…. A GREAT BIG OLD HUG…. FROM ME TO HIM….”

Neon then went back to how he usually was as Arrell still looked happy.

He pointed to him with his right hoof, “Wow, I didn’t know how much you loved the BlowTroops. This couldn’t have gone better.”

Arrell then turned to the representative with a determined look in his eyes, “Alright then, we accept your initiation! What do we have to do!”

The representative then said lousily, “Well all you have to do is name the BlowTroops starter badges without looking at the free book we sent you.”

Arrell didn’t seem a little surprised, yet not taken a back as he said to him, “Really? That’s it? Well I was expecting something else like trying to carry a cherry with my ass or something but uhhhh… ok then…. All of them?”

The representative then said, “Yes, all of them, without cheating. It’s in the BlowTroop code to make sure who we’re letting in really wants to be part of the BlowTroops.”

Arrell stood there, a little dumbfounded and said, “Uhhh…. Ok then. Well let’s see there’s the…. Scammer Badge. The one with the skull I think on it?”

Arrell tilted his head to the side as he raised his right hoof slightly upward, unsure if he was getting it right.

The representative stood there like a conforming robot and said blankly to him, “That’s one, you still need to name the others.”

Arrell then looked to the ground while putting his right hoof to his chin while trying to think, “Let’s see, I know this. I can think of the names, I can think of it.”

Arrell then quickly looked back up with wide eyes as he answered another badge, “There’s also the, uh, one million and one knots badge. There is the Pitch a Tent and Sit on an Apple badge. And uhhhh….”

Arrell was having trouble thinking of the other badge names, as there was a few for beginners. Arrell opened his mouth a little wide as he tilted his head back as he tried to ponder the names. The representative waited like a good BlowTroop. Arrell tried his best to remember everything.

Eventually a little flicker of electricity went through his neurons and tried his best to fire off all of the starter badges, “Start a Grease Fire, Do the Pony Paddle, Do the Flipper Flapper, Scammer Two: Electric Boogaloo: Popcorn Edition, Can Drive These Nuts, Abuse the Elderly, Catch The Zigger, that’s a controversial one, Paint a wall, Feed the homeless animals, Pick The Lock and…. That’s it?....”

Arrell then started to smile nervously as his legs started to shake a little due to the pressure.

The representative then spoke out while raising his arm, “Almost, you’re missing one more.”

Arrell then looked down to the side as he gritted his teeth.

He said to himself under his breath, “Shit, what was the last one.”

Arrell then looked at us three, desperate for any help, “You know the last one?”

Jack and Mac didn’t pay any mind to Arrell while I looked back with an irked look on my face, “Does it look I know?”

Arrell then quickly looked over towards Forrest who was by his lonesome self.

Arrell asked him, with a tone of begging, “Forrest?”

Forrest sat on his pony ass, shrugging while trying to put on a smile the best his could. Arrell started to look a little worried as he looked behind him towards Neon, who was staring at him blankly behind the counter.

Arrell wimply let out, “Neon?”

Neon didn’t say anything. He stood still as he took out a pig’s head and slapped it on to the counter. Neon then took out a big butcher knife as he then sliced through the pig’s skull.

Somewhere in the background as Neon disturbingly cut into the pig, an eerie sound of a pig squealing could have been heard in the background; some say…. Neon was trying to imply some sort of symbolism to his statement about society. Arrell, with no hope, looked back at his demise towards the representative. His head was hanging a little low as he couldn’t muster the final answer. The representative looked like he was becoming impatient as he stood there, tapping on the ground.

The representative said, “I don’t have all day. Do you know the final starter badge or not?”

Arrell, trying his best to come up with some answer, was cornered metaphorically. Just like back in his school days on a surprise quiz, he couldn’t remember the final answer. Arrell gulped hard as his chest pounded heavily. He started to sweat as he could feel his pony skin start to heat up.

The representative said with only so much time left, “Well?”

Arrell couldn’t figure out what to say. Somewhere in his mind, he knew it, yet his brain was against him.

So without much left to lose, he blurted out what he thought was the final starter badge, “Scutter The Ludder?....”

Arrell winched up as he closed his eyes, thinking it may have been the wrong badge. As he was shaking, the representative looked down for a bit and let some seconds pass by.

He then said with a blank stare, “Alright, close enough. You and your Troop pass.”

Arrell, surprised and excited by the news, suddenly had a bright smile form upon his face. He then jumped up with pride as he raised his hooves up in the air. He cheered and looked around, still seeing us unamused and not caring at all. Arrell didn’t care though, he was happy to see some kind of hope return to his world once again.

Arrell took a step closer to the representative and asked out of curiosity, but with interest, “So, what happens next?”

The representative took out a scroll and was writing some stuff down.

He said with his whiny voice, “Oh uh, we’ll send you your uniforms along with your first task. Until then, let all of your members in your Troop know. And since you seem to give a shit, you can be the Troop Leader.”

Arrell perked up as his mouth made an “o” shape as he said, “Oh boy, the leader! It’ll be an honor to be the leader of my BlowTroop!”

The representative put the scroll down and said, “Yeah that’s great. See you later to check on your progress in the future.”

The representative then walked away, as if he couldn’t care any less and wanted an end to his questionable existence. Neon of course wouldn’t mind helping him out if he volunteered. Then again, Neon doesn’t care; he’ll do it against your own will. Hell, he is your will in this world that he has made.

Speaking of Neon, while we were all minding our own business, Neon slid to the back of the kitchen as he made sure he was all alone with himself. Once he was alone and Arrell was busy planning on what he was going to do for his new Troop, Neon started to converse with himself.

An eerie sound blew over in the room as a dark, deep voice, muffled started to say something to him, almost as if there was another entity in the room with him; yet you couldn’t tell if there was one or not. It mumbled something that only Neon could only understand. Neon started to nod as he kept his unusual smile.

Neon said out loud, “Yes…. Yes we shall put an end to this mess. IT shall only be a world for me and my friends…. And no one else.”

The deep, muffled voice came back as it said something, almost as if it was demonic.

Neon continued to nod without question as he said, “Yes, I shall use Arrell to my advantage. I need to get close to KingBlowHard and end his reign. His kind should not have come into existence in the first place. It was a mistake on my part. I shall right my wrongs.”

The deep muffled voice returned, hard to make anything out when looking back. And the more that I think about it, the less I know the better.

Neon started to shake his head in denial, “No, I cannot do it over night. He is protected by many, and it’ll take too much time and energy to get through them all. They can easily run away and then I will have to start all over again as they gain new ground. It’ll be a loop that never ends.”

The voice continued once more, almost as if it was behind him and said in a backward language. Neon then cracked his head and looked out the window and stared at Arrell. Arrell noticed that Neon was watching him as he turned around and waved at him, without a second thought to it all.

Neon cracked his head back to the kitchen, saying in a monotone voice, “Yes, he shall be the key to my victory and a key to my world. I must get close…. And then…. I can strike at the heart of the scum that remains in my existence….”

And so, Neon plotted his plans his head, trying to figure out the best possible outcomes if possible. I for one however was and am still concerned about joining some gay boy scout thing. Well, looks like it’ll be a new arc I guess…. Womp womp womp womp….