My Little Pony: Alternate Universal Magic

Cupcakes
The day was sunny as shit. The sun was out nice and bright, and everypony were up and about doing their business. The birds were chipping shit, while the animals did shit, such as making holes, raping ponies, killing each other, the usual, normal animals stuff.

Forest Fire was a pony who had a great feeling that day was going to be the best day of his life. He was a Pegasus pony, who did not do much but have a crush on Rainbow Dash.

He was flying in the sky, as the wind hit his fire color mane. He flew up to one of the clouds that was positioned over one of the edges of the Everfree Forest. He decided to land on the cloud and take a break. When he finally reached for the cloud, he landed gently as he could on it and then started to relax.

After he did so, he then started to look over the peaceful town of Stalia. Forest then had a bit of a smile on his face as he thought of how proud he was to be part of the town. He then looked behind him and noticed that he was high enough to see Ponyville, as the citizens of that village were up and about as well.

However, he noticed something different about the village. There was no Rainbow Dash to be seen or heard. He usually would see Rainbow Dash flying up and about as usual as every morning. In fact, he knew this because he would spy on her and clop the fuck out of his pony dick until he could not breathe.

He would even strangle himself while jacking off at the same time because he would have the most awesome and epic orgasm any pony could have. When Forest noticed that Rainbow Dash was not flying as fast as she could, he made up in his mind to check it out.

As he did so, he flew as fast as he could, which was about as fast as Rainbow Dash would go, but not fast enough to beat her. Forest always wanted to be with Rainbow Dash forever, for he had a crush on her, but he could never get her to notice him and he was sad about that happening to him.

He tried different things every time she was around, although he would usually fail. However, if she did notice him, he would usually make an embarrassment of himself.

One of the many things that Forest was trying to impress Rainbow Dash with is his ability to fly as fast as her. He had always thought that perhaps if he would to fly as fast as she did, he would get a hoof job from her or perhaps a kiss on the lips, or even a date out. Then he thought he could just pay a pony hooker for such a thing, but it was not the same for it was not truly Rainbow Dash. He even tried to use a blow up doll and it still would not work.

He had and he must have had the real Rainbow Dash in order to fill the hole in his heart. Once Forest Flew to Ponyville, he started to look around for his crush, Rainbow Dash.

He searched high and low but she could not be found anywhere, for she had seemed to have disappeared. However, then a thought came to his mind. As long as he could remember when he started to stalk Rainbow Dash, he knew that she had a very close friend to her named Pinkie Pie.

He even knew where she worked at, for Rainbow Dash hanged out at Sugar Cube Corner very often. He then flew up, but not at a very fast pace, he took to the skies to see where the sweet shop was at, for he was quite confused of the layout of the town for he barley spent any time at all enjoying the quiet village at all.

Once he flew at a decent height, he started to look around his surroundings, to see if he could find the bakery. He scanned the area, and he found what he was looking for without a single pony doing something ridiculous to distract him with while he was looking.

When he did find the bakery, he swooped down and landed quietly near the door. Forest then proceeded to open the door, but strangely enough, the door was locked, as if it was barricaded from the inside.

Forest was curious about this, indeed he was, for he never expected this to happen. He then thought that perhaps something he did not understand was going on, so he decided to knock.

Inside the bakery shop, deep near a secret hidden basement, poor old Pinkie Pie was gutting Rainbow Dash’s organs out for her new batch of cupcakes, while Rainbow Dash was pissing on herself. She was crying in pain and she could no longer bare the pain she was forced to endure.

She was begging for death, however, when she heard the knock that Forest gave out, she saw a sign of hope. However, poor old Pinkie Pie heard too, and all she heard was a new victim was at her door.

She then decided to say to Dash, “Be right back Dashie…I’m going to invite our friend in and we will have a really big party.”

Then she proceeded to exit the secret basement and go to check who it was at the door. She then unlocked it and quietly opened the door. When she did, she said, “Yes…may I help you,” while she had blood and guts all over her face.

Forest saw the red blood on Pinkie’s face, but he shrugged it off for it was normal to him since he lived with his friends in Stalia. Forest then said, “Have you seen Rainbow Dash around. I didn’t see her this morning doing what she usually does, because….I was not definitely spying on her, that’s for sure.”

Then Pinkie said with a small little grin on her face, “Nope, I did not see her at all. But, before you hit the road, would you like to come in for a cupcake?”

Then Forest said, “No, I’m fine you pink bitch.”

Then Forest immediately took off to go back to Stalia because he really didn’t like Pinkie that much. When he left, Pinkie had a weird and ok face on, while she said with a sad face on, “Awe…now I’m sad…now I don’t have a new friend to join us in our little party. Fuck it, I’ll just use the babies to come join us and kill them.”

Forest was well on his way back to Stalia, for he had already given up hope on finding Rainbow Dash, but he had thought perhaps she was sick, and he was turned off when she was sick so he couldn’t clop that day, which made him sad as shit.

However, a thought then crossed his mind, to which thought, “Oh no. I just realized. I had told Neon I was going to meet him at the party store in thirty minutes this morning. I better head over their fast before he starts making random shit happen.”

Then Forest flew as fast as he could, and he even flew as faster than Rainbow Dash. He then thought he knew he would be able to impress her and perhaps she could talk to him even once he finds her.

It took Forest no more than a minute or two to reach the town of Stalia on the other end of the Everfree Forest. Once he did, he headed straight for the party store.

Once he did, he opened the doors and acted normal and tried to pretend as if he was not late at all. Once he did, he noticed the sweets were nowhere to be found. However, instead, he found a very crazy, psychopathic, evil, and scary looking Neon Party standing in front of him.

However, Forest had seen this as normal and was not out of place one bit. He then said to his dear friend, “Hey Neon, you wanted to see me about something?”

Then Neon said, “Yea…sure…buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuddy. I just wanted you to test something out for me real quick before I used it on others. I would like for you to…sniff this ass.”

Then Forest saw a donkey in the room, which had his ass pointing at him. Then Forest asked, “Why do I have to sniff an ass’s asshole?”
Then Neon said, “I think you would find it will be a very charming prize inside of it. Perhaps you will even find brownies inside the asshole.”

Then Forest said with all of his might, “Brownies!”

Then Forest ran straight for the asshole of the ass and stuck his head inside it, and strangely enough found brownies within the asshole of the ass. He then began to munch on it, until he felt sleepy, to which he was knocked out.

Once he awoken back to the land of the living, Forest felt different, as if he was on a cold, metal table, and was strapped down by leathery straps as well as super-mega-glued on it.

By the way, this story is brought to you by the amazing power of super-ultra-mega –glue…get yours today or you’ll get haunted by AIDS.

Forest was still wondering what kind of contraption he was even on in the first place. Forest’s mind was going through many things in his head at a very fast rate. He was first nervous and was a bit scared, for he did not know where he was when he woke up.
Then he calmed himself down because he then thought and came to a conclusion it must have been his friends pulling a very non-funny prank on him.

However, what he could not explain that he could not see but only a dim light bulb above his head. Forest then said aloud, “Hello…is anypony here?”

Then Neon said while still in the shadows, “Oh goodie, you’re awake Forest. I almost thought I killed you, then I would have been sad if you would have died because I would then have to kidnap and drug another pony, for you would have been dead…you fucking douche!”
Then Forest asked, “Neon…where am I? Why am I strapped down and on a cold metal table in a dark room that is possibly a secret basement of yours? And why do I have a major boner right now?”

Then Neon said, “Well…you’re here because we’re going to have some little fun.”

Then Forest said, “But that doesn’t explain why I have a major boner right now.”

Then Neon said, “I drugged you with Viagra while slipping something in it to put you to sleep. You had that boner for over four hours by now, for you were asleep for four and half hours.”

Then Forest said, “I think I need to talk to a doctor. I’ve used Viagra before to when I wanted to jack off to Rainbow Dash and I’ve read that bottle. You are not supposed to have a boner for more than four hours. I think I’m dying right now.”

Then Neon said, “Don’t worry Forest, you’re going to DIE anyways, for I’m going to harvest your internal organs mother fucker!!!”

While poor old Neon was saying such a thing, Neon automatically took out a running chainsaw from out of nowhere. Once Forest saw the chainsaw, he was worrying a bit and was starting to sweat for he was worried that he was going to endure true pain and suffer.
However, he then reminded himself that it was only merely a prank that his friends were pulling on him.

Forest then said, “Ha ha ha, nice prank, and when I mean nice prank, I mean you suck at it and you can go to hell with your bad jokes. Now untie me because I feel like jacking off right now. If you untie me now, we could possibly jack off like back to back…mostly because I’m lonely when I ever jack off…I just need a friend with me and a picture of Dash doesn’t help…nor a stuffed teddy bear neither.”

Then Neon said, “This is no prank…BUT YOUR FUCKING DOOM!!!”

Then Neon put on a hockey mask and was starting to approach Forest and was about to slaughter him into bits and pieces.

However, before Neon had the chance to strike Forest, Forest then said, “Oh, there were so many things I wanted to do before I died. I mean, I’m still a fucking virgin man. A fucking virgin! I don’t want to go to heaven while I’m still a virgin! I’ll be laughed at and called a nerd, I’ll end up playing with the lame nerds with Dungeon and Dragons…, and twenty-four/seven of a weird game call World of Warcraft. I have heard myths about it, where a player would play all day and would not see sun light at all, and if he did, he would be in pain because of the sun’s rays. I don’t want to turn into one of them at all. That and I don’t want to be blown up by a Saddle Arabian pony who blows up seventy-two virgins in heaven. That and I always thought my life would be put to an end or in other words, I thought I would be killed by…by Rainbow Dash…in self-defense because I’m stalking her late at night somewhere. Then I would have a major and perfect boner as well before I died, and that would be awesome. That and I always wanted to see my good ol’ buddy Knight before I died…because…he wasn’t a douche like you…but instead…my douche.”

Then Neon stopped for a moment once he heard those words that came out of Forest’s mouth. He then realized that he too wanted to see Knight, for he would help him with the harvest during the full moon of gulatuka, so a sacrifice would be made and his demon should leave every pony else alone.

Then Neon uncovered his mask and he said, “That sounds like an excellent idea Forest! Let us invite Knight to the party. I can sure use his help trying to kill you.”

Then Forest said, “Sure, why not. Also, can you use your powers to make him a clone of Rainbow Dash, because I would like to at least have someone look like her so I can pretend it’s her killing me. I mean, I know it’s not real, but I’m lonely as you can tell.”

While this conversation was going, meanwhile, at Knight’s old cozy home is where Wolf was sleeping soundly on the couch, passed out from drinking too many beers, while Knight was reading a book at pure random while smoking some weed of his very own.

Then…Knight heard my voiceover and narration, to which Knight got a bit curious to where it was coming from. Then Knight decided to shrug it off and go back to reading while he still has that curious looks in his eyes.

Then Knight said, “Wait…what are you talking about? Who’s there and why is it not Morgan Freeman’s voice? And what do you mean reading at pure random. I don’t even like these fucking books you fucking idiot! I just read this book because I made a bet with Twilight, which I lost because Wolf here was a terrible partner. Then again, she did give me an alternative, which was to have sex with her and play sexual games with her and doing various sex positions as well. I mean, she had high hopes I was going to choose to do her, but I let her down by choosing to read a book, but it’s a sexual book, with sexual pictures of her ass everywhere in the book. Damn I hate that fucking bitch. Anyways, go fuck yourself random narrator that isn’t Morgan Freeman. At least he does cool stuff, while you’re just bland and boring.”

Then Knight went back to his porn. To which Knight said, “This isn’t porn. I’m not even enjoying it. I would rather suck on a buffalo’s dick and get rained on by shit from a donkey and having to staple my own balls to a snake’s asshole while he’s puking and cursing up a storm at the same time. Besides, the cloppers can have this book if they want it. Perhaps I just started World War Six and I don’t even know it. Anyways…go fuck yourself.”

Then Knight decided to go and help his poor old friend Neon kill another one of his friends, Forest Fire. To which Knight also said, “I’m not going to do that you fucking bitch. I would never help that bastard Neon with anything. Besides, I knew this was going to happen one day, but I didn’t think it was going to happen on Arbor day. Perhaps he wants to plant dead bodies. Now that I think of it…perhaps I should do the same. Anyways, I’m not going, simple as that, now fuck off.”

Then Knight was so happy and glee in his dear heart that he was off to see Neon, that he instantly wished he was there at that very moment, which he was there. Then Knight said as he was being forcibly teleported by me to Neon’s evil lair, “Wait…what!!!?”

Once Knight was teleported to his destination that he desired within his own heart and not by me, he fell to the floor, but with great cheer in his heart that he wanted to kill Forest.

Once Neon saw him, he hugged his friend as tight as he could and he said in a very creepy wisher, “Let’s cap this bitch and eat his ditch.”

Then Knight pulled away from Neon and he said, “Did you just rhymed. Why are you rhyming…wait a second here. Is this the dead ghost of Dr. Seuss. Look, I know I might have pissed and danced on your grave back on Earth, but you’ve got to understand, I really hated the book the Places You’ll go, because that’s just bullshit. I mean, that book is bullshit. That would never happen in real life to a kid…ok? Are we cool mister Seuss’s dead ghost that is haunting me?”

Then I replied back in my disembodied voice, “Oh come on now dear Knight, we will never be cool for you pissed on my grave with great strength, and I believe now that you should pay the price with your mice, who I killed and ate their beating hearts on a silver platter made by a flatter.”

Then Knight said with a growl in his voice, “Listen, I’m not in the fucking mood right now, can we just end this!? I’ll do anything else that you want.”

Then I said to him with a very surprised voice in mind with a quick little line, “Oh…do you know? Well then, if I let your friend’s go and out of my control, I want you to meet Thing one and Thing two, for I would like for you to kill them for they owe me money. So…do we have a deal on seal?”

Knight then said to me, “Yeah, sure, I’m fine with killing. I’ll teach those assholes not to mess with you.”

Then I said, “Oh goodie, now I have a thing less on my black list. Oh thank you ever so kindly, and now you have control of your friends back and you can be on your merely way back to your nice cozy little home with your porn.”

Then he said back to me, “It’s not porn damn it. How many times do I have to say it?”

Then I said, “Whatever you say you fucking sleeze of a heeze. Tat ta for now you little shit, and may your hearts be with the larts.”

Then Knight said, “Stop making up words that don’t exist. It’s starting to get annoying man, so shut the fuck up. Are you still there or am I talking to myself...Hello?”

I may have been out of the narration and Knight could not here me, but I have to finish this up so I may get paid for my hard work and effort towards this.

Forest then said to his dear old friend Knight, “Knight…who are you talking to? Why does Neon have a chainsaw and is about to kill me and why am I strapped to a metal table? I’m starting to get scared now. Did we…did we do it? Please don’t tell me we did it. I rather remain straight and not a queer.”

Then Neon said for his comment in the situation they believed they were having, “This is unusual. Why would I ever use a chainsaw? I would use a tiger that is being fucked a thousand times a year by a humping frog to kill somepony. Although I don’t know why I want to kill one of my friends. Fuck it…I want to kill something today. You care to join me Knight?”

Then Knight just wanted this night to end peacefully so he could get back to his porn with a yorn.

Then Knight had a light bulb go off in his head to which he then said, “Well…how about instead we go to the bar, just the three of us instead of killing each other.”

Then Neon and Forest said, but not in unison, “Sure…That sounds good.”

Then they all went to the bar with glee in their hearts and they enjoyed every drop of beer that they had. Around their fourth round of liquor, they were silent to one another, while old country music played in the background in the bar in the town of Stalia. Then Neon said, “Fuck it, I still want to kill Forest.”

Then Neon started to attack Forest with furious force, while Forest was screaming in agony, to which he yelled out loud for every pony to hear, but sadly no one cared about him at all, “Oh god why!? This hurts so much! Why oh why! Ooooo…a bit.”

Tis conclude a very holly and jolly special for tonight. The moral of the story here is…don’t fuck with Dr. Seuss, or he’ll kick your ass with a fass, good night, and have pleasant dreams while this song randomly plays out of nowhere.