Harold and Kumar Go to Equestria

Chapters

Chapter 1: On the Couch
Chapter 2: Through the Looking Glass, Darkly
Chapter 3: Harold, We're Not in Cherry Hill Any More
Chapter 4: Tetrahydrocannabinokiedokie!
Chapter 6: Kumar Uses a Toilet
Chapter 7: Welcome to Ponyville and Who The Hell Are You?
Chapter 8: Baked Goods
Chapter 9: A Dirty Picture is Worth a Thousand Dirty Words
Chapter 10: The Morning After the Night Before
Chapter 11: Equestrian Cannabis, Inc.
Chapter 12: Weed, Interrupted
Chapter 13: Revelation!
Chapter 15: Free Enterprise
Chapter 16: The Naked and the Bred
Chapter 5: Treeguests
Chapter 14: Wheeling and Dealing

Chapter 1: On the Couch

"Kumar, I can't believe you broke the bong!" Harold Lee, a neatly groomed Korean-American investment banker, was clearly very upset.

"Harold, you are clearly very upset." Kumar Patel, an Indian medical student (more of a full time student candidate) with excessively tall hair, clearly didn't give a crap about Harold being very upset. "To be fair though, the floor is what broke the bong."

"You asshole, now not only do we not have a bong, on a Saturday morning at 9:30, which is prime wake-and-bake time I might add, but your living room smells like bong water!" Harold wrung out a mop as Kumar watched disinterestedly from the couch.

"No shit! I have a nose you know! It's OK though, I have another bong in my bedroom." Kumar got up and walked to his room as Harold finished mopping up the worst of the spill. Noises of dresser drawers and cabinet doors slamming, furniture being moved and fabric ripping caused Harold to pause in his labors, a look of exasperated disbelief on his face as he imagined the chaos in that disorganized hellhole. "Where the fuck is it?!" Kumar swore as the bangs grew louder. There was a sound like bagpipes being stepped on, which caused Harold to wince, when Kumar cried out "Yes!"

Kumar returned to the living room, holding aloft a bulbous multicolored object with a tall central cylinder. Light reflected off numerous reflective surfaces in hundreds of clashing colors. "What the hell is that thing?" Harold exclaimed.

Kumar made a show of being offended. "This is the finest bong to be had for under twenty dollars in the West Fourth Street head shop. And the clerk told me it has magic powers."

Harold made a disgusted noise. "Not only am I out of work, living on my savings in a pig sty in New Jersey with a fucking child support payment on top of it all, but my room mate is insane and his bong looks like a re-purposed disco ball."

"There's no need to get nasty; it's not my fault your job got downsized." Kumar went to the kitchen sink to fill the bong with water, taking some ice cubes from a freezer in desperate need of a good defrosting and dropping them down the neck.

"No, it's your buddy Obama with the persistently high unemployment rate and the high business taxes, that's who's fault it is!"

"Oh you shut up; imagine how much worse it would have been if Romney had won. Now do something productive and clean this Hawaiian while I find something on TV and get what's left of my brain ready for some major blitizification." Kumar placed the bong on the coffee table, leaned back, reached under the cushions and retrieved a battered remote. "So... 9:30... time for Bugs Bunny." The remote clicked.

Harold dumped the water from the bucket into the toilet, flushed, washed his hands and returned to the living room. "That bathroom is so freaking nasty! Are you maintaining it as some kind of archaeological site so scientists can study shit stain stratification?" Kumar grunted as Harold sat down next to him and leaned forward, grabbing a Hustler from one end of the table, checked it for any unpleasant stains, and then opened up a Ziploc bag and deposited the contents onto its glossy flesh-laden surface. "Wow, this really is Hawaiian. I thought you were shitting me. How could you afford this?"

"I convinced dad I needed a private tutor since I'm depressed that Vanessa won't marry me until I get my MD. Now hurry up, I want to be sucking down that bad boy when the music starts"

Harold cleaned out the few seeds and stems and marveled at the handiwork of Mother Nature as he broke up the bright green bud sporting short red hairs. He took one of the seeds and cracked it between his teeth. "Man, even the seeds taste good."

Kumar slapped him on the back of the head. "Don't eat those seeds, you fucker, they're worth more than you are!" He reached into this pocket and produced a small plastic bag with a few dozen seeds in it, took the four remaining seeds on the porn magazine and popped them in.

Harold quirked an eyebrow at him. "You planning on growing? In New Jersey? You can't grow shit in New Jersey unless you go hydro. Are you going to set up a hydro farm in your nasty shitter?"

"Who knows, maybe I'll find a greenhouse with some nice volcanic soil and an understanding botanist. Now pack that shit, the show's about to start." Harold scooped a few pinches into the bowl and grabbed a lighter, putting the highly reflective paraphernalia to his mouth. "No you don't motherfucker! You want first hit, you get your own dope!" Kumar grabbed the bong away from Harold and produced a lighter from somewhere. The flame hit the packed bowl as Kumar inhaled deeply, the bizarre bong bubbling merrily. Kumar's angry expression softened immediately as a wave of euphoria washed over him, and he passed the device over to Harold. "'ere."

"Thanks." Harold noted that Kumar had only burned the right half of the bowl rather than lighting up in the middle. He talked a lot of shit but he actually was a good guy. Harold lit the left side and the bong sang as all of life's troubles disappeared to the tune of "da de da de da da da de dum dum dum dum."

They sat in silence for half an hour as Bugs Bunny deftly defied the laws of physics and trounced all comers, only pausing to guffaw and reload the bong several times. As they grew progressively more stoned, the show got funnier and funnier and they sank deeper into the cushions, enjoying the delightful lassitude.

Porky Pig was saying goodbye to them, and Harold was waving back, when Kumar raised the remote with a very serious expression on his face. "It's ten o'clock." The looked at each other and Kumar sang "Ooooooooooh!"

Harold responded with "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" They sang the song between them as Kumar clicked the remote.

"Oops, wrong way," Kumar giggled as he stopped on an unfamiliar station showing a strange promo for The Aquabats! Super Show!. He clicked the remote again.

"Stop fucking around Kumar, I need my Sponge Bob. I need it NOW!" Harold emphasized his words by taking a long hit on a fresh bowl. "Ite nw!" Kumar started to look panicked as the promo continued.

"I think I broke the remote!" Kumar clicked repeatedly, but nothing happened. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit what the fuck did I just do?"

Harold was not pleased. "Well that's just great! Why don't you get up off your lazy unemployable ass and change the channel by hand then?" The commercial changed to an announcement about some sort of Season One Mare-a-thon coming up next. A rainbow-colored cat or something flashed across the screen and winked at them.

Kumar dropped the remote. "I am too stoned to move. I am too stoned to move. The apartment building could be on fire and it wouldn't matter." His eyes widened as he contemplated a morning's stoned entertainment shot to hell. "Curse you, you cheap remote!"

Harold scowled. "Fine! I'll do it!" He sat there.

Kumar looked at him. "What the fuck, man? You said you'd do it! Do it! I can't do it and we're fucking missing the critical first minutes of a Sponge Bob episode, without which we will be unable to follow the rest!"

Harold stared at him. "Dude, I am soooo high right now!"

Kumar facepalmed. "Oh that's just fucking great! What the fuck are we watching now?"

The TV sang, "Aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah!"

Harold and Kumar both screamed in horror. "Oh God! Turn it off! Turn it off!" Kumar tried to submerge himself into the couch as the My Little Pony theme song played. "That song! It's trying to cut off my penis!"

Harold stared as the opening images flashed past his face. "It's like we've died and gone to Strawberry Shortcake hell!" He squirmed and grabbed at his crotch. "See if you can block the rays!"

"My manhood! I can smell my man card burning!" Kumar covered his face with one hand, grimacing and peeking at the pastel colored ponies between his fingers. "For the love of God man, pass me the bong! Pass me the bong!"

The protests became less stringent and less frequent as the fragrant Hawaiian opened the pathways of perception. "That dragon has a lampshade on his head. Is he fucking drunk?" Harold stroked his chin thoughtfully as he broke open another bud.

"The animation is actually pretty good. Very good. And yes, all the ponies are crazy, especially you, Twilight fucking stuck up Sparkle!" Kumar gave her the finger. "Another Brahmin who thinks her shit doesn't stink!"

"Hey man, are you saying she's Indian?" Harold looked at Kumar incredulously.

"Of course she's Indian! I suppose you're going to say she's Asian!"

"Well duh!" Harold waved Kumar's argument away. "Look at the bangs!"

"Like Indian girls don't have bangs! Well shit, that's what she needs, a good banging to loosen her tight ass up!" Kumar leered at the screen.

"What the fuck man, you want to tap that purple pony pussy?" Harold's eyes were as big as dinner plates as he cleaned the screen on the bowl, holding it in a pair of tweezers and burning the resin above an ash tray.

"Well somebody has to! Look at the way she's waving that ass around! She wants the D!"

"That's how horses walk! Look at you! You're getting turned on by a little girl's show about magical unicorns! You sick mother fucker!"

"I'm just saying it has to be done as a pubic service! I mean a public service!" Harold and Kumar both cracked up as another fresh bowl came on line. They watched the show for several more minutes.

"Oh shit, what just happened to the moon?" Harold gasped.

"Dude, it's the prophecy! She was right! The princess didn't listen to her but she was right! She figured this shit out five minutes into the show!" Kumar covered his mouth as his eyes bugged. "Shut up and watch!"

Nightmare Moon appeared on screen. "Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving faces." Harold and Kumar both jumped a bit in their seats.

"Shit's about to get real!" Harold grinned.

"Dude, this is some scary shit for a little girl!" Kumar shook his head. "My daughter won't be watching this until she's at least eight."

Lightning crashed on the screen as Nightmare Moon laughed maniacally, and the episode ended. Harold looked over at Kumar. "I think I can stand now." He stood, staggered a little and walked over to the TV. "I'll change it to Sponge Bob." He reached his fingers to the side of the TV.

"Don't you fucking dare! I know how to use a scalpel in ways that would make Hannibal Lecter puke!"

Harold backed away from the TV, which was showing a commercial for Littlest Pet Shop. "I was just kidding! Let me get some snacks."

By eleven o'clock that night, the entire first season of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, three bags of Doritos, four liters of of grape soda and the better part of a quarter ounce of Hawaiian had passed between the two friends. "Fluttershy is the best," Harold declared with absolute conviction.

"You're crazy, there's no way she's as good as Pinkie Pie!" Kumar loaded another full bowl from their diminishing supply. "Pinkie Pie saved the town from the parasprites!"

Harold grimaced, "Yeah, after they destroyed it. Without explaining why she needed the musical instruments, when her friends could have helped her if she had. Fluttershy handled a manticore, a cockatrice, she saved Twilight from being stoned... Heh heh. Do you think that was a reference?"

Kumar hefted the ready bong. "Fluttershy is such a wimp. And if any of them were stoners, it would definitely be Pinkie Pie. Not that Twilight isn't cool in her nerdy way, but she probably drinks Shirley Temples. Damn. I wish Equestria was real." The lighter struck and ignited the bowl. Kumar passed it over to Harold.

"Yeah me too. And I wish we could go there." Smoke bubbled through the now stinking bong water and filled Harold's abused lungs. As he held it, the bong started to sparkle with multicolored light. Rainbows cascaded all over the room as the music of sitars and esrajis filled the air.

"Whoah! This weed is amazing!" Harold looked down at the bong. "I am totally hallucinating right now!"

Kumar stared. "Me too. That's weird." A purple glow formed around the bong and suddenly a bolt of the same hue shot off, striking Kumar's mirror. A blinding flash erupted from the mirror and there was a sound like a very low pitched gong. "Holy shit!" the two friends cried out, simultaneously.

When the afterglow cleared from their eyes, they stared at the now merely tacky bong. Then they looked at the mirror, the same one Kumar used when trimming his pubic hairs, and saw through it a verdant, lush valley, a clear blue sky, and puffy white clouds.

Chapter 2: Through the Looking Glass, Darkly

Harold sat on the couch in a state of shock and stared through the framed, rectangular interdimensional portal hanging on the wall at the idyllic and brightly-colored scene beyond. Three minutes went by in silence as puffy, rounded clouds drifted by on a gentle breeze, the yellow sun illuminating a grassy kelly-green hillside, the sky pure cerulean. He was shaken from his stupefaction by the sound of the bong bubbling. He whipped his head around to behold Kumar sucking down a gigantic hit, a look of intense concentration on his face. "How can you smoke at a time like this?!"

Kumar ignored him, and instead, exhaled while reverently addressing the smoking device. "Oh mighty genie of the bong, I wish to have my penis grow to fifteen inches long and eight inches in circumference, a black briefcase containing ten million dollars in unmarked bills and Meghan Fox, here, naked, bound and greatly desirous of my seed!" Nothing happened. "So mote it be!" Still nothing. "Make it so? Pretty please?" Kumar's face fell. "Shit! We only get one wish and YOU used it to open a portal to Equestria!" Kumar pointed his finger accusingly at Harold.

"What? You wished for Equestria to be real first!" Harold pointed back. "I just agreed with you and said I wished we could go there!"

"I bet it was real all along and you just used the only wish to open the portal! I could be pumping my condom-free megadick into Meghan Fox while rubbing her all over with fresh, crisp one hundred dollar bills." He mimed pelvic thrusts. "Right on this fucking coffee table! But NOOOO! Some friend you are! It isn't even your magic bong! You owe me a wish, you asshole!"

"Whatever! Stop fucking around; there is an interdimensional gate in your apartment! Surely that means more to you than having a... giant... penis... um... never mind." Harold trailed off as Kumar scowled at him.

"Well, I guess we should see what we can see. Maybe Princess Celestia can give me a giant penis." Kumar stood up, held the bong in one hand, stuffed the lighter and the bag of weed into the pocket of his jeans with the other and walked toward the portal.

"Hey, wait a minute! You can't just go in there! What if there's no oxygen? What if you can't get back? How do we know it's really anything more than a picture?" Harold stood up, grabbed the Hustler from the coffee table, and tossed it through the portal where it landed on the grass, open to a particularly offensive hardcore layout.

"Well that's just great! The first communication to an alien planet by my friend Harold consists of a glossy jack-off mag. I'm sure the ponies will appreciate all our culture has to offer!" Kumar looked as the breeze turned the page. "And there's the money shot! Nice!"

Kumar sighed and reached out his hand, through the portal. Harold gasped as he started spasming, his eyes wide as he screamed "Oh God! The pain! Aaaah! Help, I'm trapped!" Harold grabbed him and tried to pull him back, and then Kumar started laughing. "Oh man, your face! It's priceless! You should really check your pants before you visit Equestria!"

"Oh, fuck you man. You're such a dick!" Harold shook his head and looked through the portal. "How does your hand feel?"

"Soft, warm and understanding, like always." He pulled it back into the room and waggled it. "Want to try it?" Kumar grinned as Harold rolled his eyes, then stepped forward though the mirror. It was like walking through a doorway out into a warm, sunny day. There was no flash of color, no disorientation, nothing unusual. Kumar breathed in the freshest air he had ever known, smelled the grass as it waved in the gentle breeze, looked up at the majestic cumulus clouds and sighed. "This place is like... heaven!"

Harold stepped through behind him and looked around. They were at the edge of a forest on top of a hill. Behind them was a cliff face, with a crevice in it through which they could make out the apartment. With the lights off, it would look like a small cave entrance. The verge of the forest ran for miles in either direction in a ragged line, dotted with more hills, and several streams meandered from them to converge into a small river cutting through the valley below. There were no signs of habitation and the only indication of animal life was the singing of songbirds from the woods all around.

There was a range of mountains in the distance and a large formation of clouds next to it that seemed strangely solid and did not move with the wind. The colors seemed somehow brighter here, though perhaps it was the sun. Kumar squinted and decided it was definitely more yellow than Sol. Perhaps a stellar type G1, slightly brighter and hotter than Earth's sun, but still quite capable of supporting life. He bent over to pluck a blade of grass. He wasn't a botanist but it wasn't any sort of grass he was familiar with. He plucked several more blades and put them into his pants pocket. Then he turned to the forest, looking at the trees. Pines and hardwoods, but it didn't look quite like any sort he'd ever seen before.

Harold sat down on the grass, grinning like a madman. He took a deep breath and exhaled, looking around wildly. "Wow... I think I found where I'm coming for vacation for the rest of my life. We should start a travel agency in your apartment; we'd rack up!"

Kumar's eyes narrowed. "Nobody can know of this. Nobody, not friends, not girls, not family, nobody! As soon as word got out, people would come here to exploit it and they'd ruin it. The government would take it over and they'd probably take us back to Gitmo while they were at it. This must be our eternal secret." He reached into his pocket, pulled out the bag of weed, took a pinch of the Hawaiian bud, squeezed it to break it up, a seed popping out unnoticed, and loaded it into the bowl. "Swear it! By the almighty bong!" He passed it to Harold.

Harold nodded gravely. "May I never smoke weed again if I betray this sacred trust." The lighter sparked, the bowl glowed, the bong bubbled and Harold took a mighty hit. He passed it back to Kumar, holding his breath.

Kumar unscrewed the bowl, tapped the ashes out on the ground, and took the last of the quarter ounce from the Ziploc bag, two more seeds dropping to the ground. He loaded it, said "May I live to become my father if I violate this oath," and lit up toking deeply.

The two exhaled, saying "We will never tell anyone about the portal!" As they did so, the sun went behind a cloud and there was the sound of a thunderclap. They felt themselves pelted by rain and heard the sound of a downpour approaching.

"Uh oh, let's get back!" Kumar scrambled to his feet and ran to the cliff face, holding the bong as Harold scooped up the Hustler, which was getting rainspotted. They both ran through the portal into the dry of the apartment. It stank. "Oh God, does it always smell like this?" Kumar wrinkled his nose.

Harold almost retched. "Dude, it's always nasty, but we were just breathing air that has never been polluted." He looked at the portal where a heavy rain was now drenching the slope. No sound passed through as water ran down the hillside. "We need to cover that up." He pulled a dusty afghan from the back of the couch and draped it over the mirror. Then he yawned. "Look, we have to plan how to do this right, and we're both high as fuck right now, and we've been smoking superb weed, thank you by the way," Kumar nodded in reply, "and we've been awake for about eighteen hours. It's one in the morning and I need to sleep. If this thing is still here when we wake up, then we'll figure out what to do. Now I'm going to dry off and get to bed."

Kumar rubbed his eyes and yawned. "Yeah, that's a good idea. We'll need to get equipment, clothing, and I don't know, maybe guns? If that's the Everfree Forest, there are monsters, not just ponies." Harold nodded in agreement. "And we have to do some research; botany, zoology, mythology, survival skills. Plus we'll be on our own so we need food, medical supplies, and most importantly, more of the Hawaiian, for sure. Can you pay for all that?"

"I think so. I've got enough to live on for six months if I don't get a job; a couple month's worth of rent and groceries should be able to pay for everything we need. But we're even on that giant penis wish, OK?" Kumar nodded back, then yawned again as Harold tossed the magazine back on the coffee table. "We'll also want to get some trade goods. If we meet ponies or whatever, assuming that really is Equestria, we want to make a good impression and maybe get some stuff in return. Not too much, because we don't want to attract attention on this side, but enough to cover our needs, I think. And we need something better than that blanket to cover the mirror." He yawned again and stretched. "Man, I'm beat. Good night." Harold turned and walked into his small bedroom.

"Night, Harold." Kumar walked towards his bedroom, stopped, went back to the coffee table and picked up the Hustler, then turned off the lights and headed to his room.

On the other side of the portal, the rain continued.

Chapter 3: Harold, We're Not in Cherry Hill Any More

The supplies were ready. Two army surplus rucksacks were full of packaged food, water, first aid kits, two flash lights and two walkie-talkies with plenty of batteries. Sleeping bags were rolled up neatly underneath the main carrying compartments. A compact video camera was in Kumar's bag and a laptop computer was in Harold's, along with dozens of DVDs and four charged spare batteries. Kumar looked at the bag of marijuana on the coffee table with disgust. Everybody is out of Hawaiian. All we can get is this Kentucky bluegrass indica shit, dammit. Overpriced too. He thought of the sweet, sweet sativa head and sighed, then picked up the "Plus Five Bong of the Planes," as Harold had nerdishly dubbed it, and burned down the slightly ammoniated domestic grass. This isn't actually bad, but I've been spoiled. "I wish I had a pound of that Hawaiian dope!" He toked again and looked around, then exhaled. "Shit." At least Harold will be here soon, with the guns and ammo.

On cue, Harold opened the door and stepped into the apartment. He carried with him two gun cases and a heavily weighted plastic bag from Wal Mart. He put down the cases, closed the door and locked it. Then he looked at Kumar and smiled. "Passed the background check!"

"Congratulations, you don't have any felonies on record. Thanks to Weedmaster Dubya." Kumar walked over to the coffee table as Harold put the gun cases and ammo in the center. "So what did you get at Wal Mart, killer?" Harold unzipped the gun cases.

"One Marlin X-7 .270 bolt action rifle with a 3x9x40 Bushnell scope, 200 rounds, one twelve-gauge Mossberg Maverick pump action shotgun, 100 shells. With soft cases and cleaning kits. And two pounds of beef jerky. All in, six hundred bucks. Guns and beef jerky are the only things sold in Wal Mart that aren't made in China. God bless America!" Harold grinned from ear to ear.

Kumar was momentarily speechless. "Wow, you didn't fuck up! I was expecting you to show up with starters' pistols or BB guns or something like that."

"Fuck that shit! Manticores and hydras and dragons, oh my!" Harold shook his head. "You shoot a manticore with a .22 and I think he may become annoyed at you. How about you reward my common sense with some of that uncommon sense?" He waggled his eyebrows.

Kumar scowled and waved a hand at the bag on the table. "That's all they had. All the Maui Wowie has been smoked up. And even this was eighty for a quarter."

"What is that shit? Mersh?" Harold's cheesy grin of anticipation vanished as he contemplated the deep stonage of indica versus the cerebral high of sativa.

"Freakin' Kentucky Swamp Skunk or something like that. Wasn't cured right either, but it's better than nothing. Want a hit or what?"

"A blowjob is better than a handjob, but a handjob still gets the job done," Harold replied in a philosophic tone. He took the bong and loaded up.

Kumar looked at his reflection in the mirror now on the wall. It took a few days of poking around consignment stores in the Village to find one that would that fit over the portal. He had hung it with gravity hinges set so it would close behind them, but it would be easy enough to push open. It could also be locked from this side with a small hook and eyelet. Behind him, the bong bubbled and Harold said, "I wish I had a pound of that Hawaiian dope!"

"Tried that already." Kumar went to open the doorway, but paused. It was about eleven in the morning, and Equestria seemed to be offset from Earth by about twelve hours, so it would be almost midnight there. "You know, we need to load up first, then turn the lights off, and then open the door."

Harold nodded. "Sounds good. You know, you're actually planning things. Are you growing up?"

Kumar shot him a dirty look. "I don't want to fuck this up, but I wouldn't go that far!" He took the rifle and operated the bolt action. "Kind of old school here. You couldn't get an AK-47 with one of those big banana clips?"

"Dude, this is New Jersey, not Texas." Harold grabbed the Mossberg and opened up a box of shells. "Now how do I load this thing?"

"Oh no you don't, not here! Remember what happened with Santa Claus?" Kumar grabbed the box of shells from the tabled and stuffed it into Harold's backpack.

"Fuck man, make one mistake and it follows you for the rest of your life!" Harold found the operator's manual in the shotgun case and started reading it.

They spent the next half hour familiarizing themselves with the operation of their weapons. "Let's do some target practice on the other side when the sun comes up." Kumar took some empty beer cans from under the coffee table and stuffed them into the sides of his rucksack.

"We are assuming this stuff is going to work over there." Harold spoke around the slice of cold Domino's pizza he was stuffing into his mouth.

"How can you eat Domino's when it's a day old? You could sharpen that crust and use it to shave! Not that you have or will ever have any facial hair."

"Yeah, well you can use it to shave your luxuriously thick pubes." Harold twisted his head, pulled and tore off a rubbery chunk.

"Maybe I already did," Kumar replied slyly. Harold's eyes bugged out and he inspected the slice carefully, the returned to the difficult task of chewing.

"OK, well, let's go to Equestria." Kumar stood, and lifted the ruck sack. "Holy fuckbeans, what's in this thing, a fucking anvil?" He staggered his way over to the couch, put the ruck on the seat and backed into it.

"Four gallons of water is about 34 pounds; that's probably most of it." Harold wrestled his bag on the coffee table and put it on. The two friends stood up.

"Why do we need so much fucking water? There's a river in that valley you know!" Kumar untwisted the straps and picked up the cased rifle.

"We don't know if that water is any good, and besides it's better to have it and not need it." He took the shotgun and tried to sling the case over his shoulder, but was blocked by the ruck. "How do soldiers carry all their shit anyway?"

"I guess they work out instead of smoking dope, eating snacks and watching ponies." Kumar fiddled with the latch on the mirror. "Oh man, don't forget the dope!"

"Got it. Are we taking the Plus Five Bong of The Planes?" Harold picked up the glittering water pipe.

"Oh hell yeah, who knows, they may not have rolling papers in Equestria!" They both laughed. "Check to make sure the door is locked, then put the chain on and turn out the lights." Harold complied, then felt his way around the coffee table to the wall.

"Here goes, buddy." Kumar lifted the latch and opened the covering mirror. Equestria was covered in silvery light and as Harold poked his head through the portal, a vast full moon became visible. "Wow... that's a big moon."

"Come on man, get a move on. I want to see Luna's moon, not yours!" Kumar stepped through the door and Harold came after him. "Wow! That IS a big moon! You could read by that light!" Harold turned around looked at the cliff face where he had sprayed the bright yellow paint. "OK, the paint is still there; we shouldn't have any problems finding it again."

"So where do you want to go, Harold?" Kumar breathed in the sugar-sweet air, untainted by industry and internal combustion.

"We don't want to go anywhere before the sun comes up. We just wanted to make sure that nobody saw us coming out of the cave. We should probably stick pretty close to here for a few days, maybe check out the woods. Hey, let me check something." Harold took out his phone. "Two bars!"

"It makes sense. If light can penetrate the portal, radio waves should be able to. Sound can't though... maybe there's a little vacuum space between the two worlds. Try walking around." Kumar waved his hand, indicating the general area.

Harold complied looking at his phone. "OK, it's a narrow zone, maybe three feet wide and..." he paced away from the portal, "maybe ten feet long. Wireless internet is working too. Looks like there's no problem with electronics at all. Maybe we could run wires back into the apartment and put a router out here."

"We could set up an internet cafe! I'm sure Fluttershy would be delighted to see all the R34 of her and Rainbow Dash!" Kumar had been researching Equestria online and stumbled into the disturbing and slightly intriguing world of pony porn. "They're going to think we're strange enough as it is without seeing the internet and the brony weirdos. Besides, we don't want to attract attention to this particular location, do we?"

"Well, how do you know Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash aren't girlfriends?" Kumar snorted something about clichés as Harold looked around in the silvery light. "We don't really know this is even Equestria. For all we know, there's nothing and no-one here."

"That's a depressing thought. I really want to meet Pinkie Pie." Kumar looked at Harold glumly.

"Oh, I'm sure there's ponies around here someplace, Kumar. This story would suck balls without them."

Kumar nodded and hitched at his pack. "This fucking thing isn't getting any lighter. You wanna just set up camp here until morning?"

Harold pointed down into a slight draw. "Let's just get down there so we won't be so noticeable. Then we can get blitzed in Equestria and look up at that moon."

The trudged down into a notch in the side of the hill and put their rucks and guns down where it flattened out. It was sort of like being in a miniature valley. Kumar pulled the weed and lighter out of his pocket while Harold handed him the bong. "Here's to getting baked in a new world." The bong bubbled and Kumar passed it. "I wish my dick was twice it's current size!" Kumar unzipped his pants and pulled his normal-sized penis out. "Shit!"

"Fuck man, I don't need to see that!" Harold averted his eyes and finished the bowl while Kumar zipped trou. Over the next two hours, the two buddies smoked themselves into a body-high as they stared up at the brilliant and beautiful moon, the unfamiliar constellations whirling about. Finally, warm, happy and comfortable on the soft grass, they both fell asleep.

The morning sun woke them, it's warmth gently stroking their faces. Harold kept his eyes shut his eyes against it. "Oh man, someone ask Celestia to put the sun back down."

Kumar had his eyes screwed up as well. "Sure thing, right after I ask her to give me an enormous penis." There was a giggle from somewhere above his head. Kumar's eyes shot open and he found himself looking up into the face of a zebra wearing about five pounds of solid gold jewelry. "Holy shit!"

I do not think it seemly, or even very wise
To ask the royal princess to help you with your size,
With what good nature blessed you, you satisfied should be.
Now tell me, what strange creatures before me do I see?

The lilting Swahili accent fell upon the ear like an exotic auditory spice. Harold leapt to his feet as Kumar stared up where he lay underneath her, his jaw slack and his eyes wide. "Zecora!" cried Harold in a voice of pure delight. The zebra came up to about his chin, huge hoop earrings, dzilla neck rings and bracelets all gleaming in the yellow light. She tilted her head curiously at Harold.

You know my name? How is this so?
Who you are, that I'd like to know!

Harold beamed as Kumar recovered and got to his feet. "I'm sorry, I'm Harold and this is my friend Kumar. We're humans."

It's nice to meet you Harold, and Kumar, also you.
But please, won't you now tell me, from whither came you two?

Harold spoke up. "We come from..."

Kumar jumped in front of him. "... very far away! We've heard so much about Equestria and the ponies, we wanted to come visit. We're tourists!"

Zecora narrowed her eyes slightly.

If you don't wish to say from whence you come, just say so!
I've told nopony about my homeland. Don't play so!

Kumar looked down, ashamed. "Well, yeah, um, it's not that we don't trust you, but where we come from is dangerous. I'd be worried that someone, um, some pony, could try to go there and they'd get hurt or worse. And other humans could find out about this place and that could be very bad. Some of us aren't very nice." Zecora nodded and smiled.

You two seem nice enough to me
But ponies are quite tough, you see.
These dangers that you seem to fear
Through magic would soon disappear.

"I'm sure you're right Zecora, your princess would defend you." Harold smiled. "But Kumar is also right to want to play it safe." She nodded. "So, what can you tell us of Equestria?"

I'll gladly give the two-bit tour,
and walk you to my tree's front door.
But first would you explain to me,
These plants that grow nearby to thee?

She backed up and indicated with her hoof a group of three green bushes that were growing at the bottom of the draw. Three lush, thickly flowering, fragrant green bushes with hints of red coloration. Harold and Kumar stared at them, utterly dumbfounded.

Sativa!

Chapter 4: Tetrahydrocannabinokiedokie!

Three bushes grew up from the moist soil at the bottom of the draw. They were, about four feet tall, with upright habits, five-lobed leaves and long, green, sticky buds filled with little white flowers. It seemed like tiny tendrils with all the colors of a psychedelic rainbow curled around the dense growth. Kumar stared at them, mouth agape. He fell to his knees, spread his arms wide, and looked up to the sky. He took a mighty breath, then cried out a heartfelt, "THANK YOU!" to the universe.

For his part, Harold said nothing. He merely walked up to one of the bushes, reached out, touched a bud, then drew his hand back and held it to his hand to smell it. Then he started to cry tears of pure joy.

Zecora looked at the two humans in utter confusion.

What is this bush? What does it do?
How can it mean so much to you?

Harold looked up, and his tear streaked face broke into a broad smile as he turned to Kumar. "What do you think of the Bong of the Planes now?"

Kumar was trembling. "This is the greatest moment of my entire life! This is the most beautiful sight I have ever seen!" He turned to Zecora. "You really don't know what this is?"

Though I'm a noted botanist,
I knew not that this did exist.

"Kumar, you couldn't have planted this, right? It's only been a week!" Harold was practically dancing with joy.

Kumar could not keep his eyes off the sight of the supreme sinsemilla. "I didn't, but it's definitely Hawaiian. I must have dropped some seeds when we came here last week." He stood up and approached the plant. "The sun, the soil, the warmth... but even in Hawaii, this would take at least 2 months." He shook his head. "This won't have much of a yield per plant because they weren't trained; maybe only a pound for the three."

Harold stared at Kumar, who's smile slowly widened until it practically wrapped around his head. "A pound?" Kumar nodded, silently grinning. "Oh my fucking sweet holy mother shit fuck goddam a pound!?"

Zecora cleared her throat. Harold looked at her. "This is what we humans call marijuana. It is an important plant for use in uh, medicines and religious ceremonies. We didn't realize it would grow here. Who, um, who owns this land?" A shadow passed in front of his face.

This land is known as Everfree.
Here nothing owned shall ever be.

"So it's not just the forest? The princess doesn't own this land?" Harold brightened as she shook her head. "You aren't going to tell the cops about us, are you?"

Whatever a cop might be,
I'll say nothing to it of thee.
You say this plant is medicine?
I would like to have some then.

He looked at Harold who nodded dumbly, staring at the green and white flowers with the orange and red stamens. He looked closer and closer in wonder at the tiny crystals that formed on the buds and the smaller leaves. "You see, Zecora, where we come from, everyone is sort of crazy. This makes us sane again. It's also the safest pain relief medication in the world, according to Ronald Reagan's Surgeon General. It stimulates the appetite and relieves glaucoma. It doesn't cure cancer but it relieves a lot of the symptoms. How about we split it three ways?"

That sounds most fairly done,
My friendly human one.

Harold walked over to Kumar and clapped him on the shoulder. “So, what do we need to do?”

Kumar closed his eyes and recalled what he had read on the subject of harvesting in High Times. “Sterile scissors, gloves, we’ll need to dry it somewhere, and something to put it in… should we cure it in the apartment?”

“Man, if we get busted with that much… that would be bad.”

A drying rack? I have a few.
We'll cure that in a week or two.
I dry my herbs of brown and green,
but tell me what does busted mean?

Kimar looked away from the plants. "Zecora, you'll let us keep this at your place? That would be great. Where we come from, you aren't, uh, supposed to grow or use medicinal plants." She looked scandalized. "Yeah, it's totally not fair. If you get caught doing it, you get busted. If you get caught with a lot, you can go to prison for a long time."

Zecora reached with her mouth to her saddle bags. She pulled out a sickle and several paper bags. With her hooves, she placed the bag over a length of bud on the stem and made a quick cut, holding the sickle in her mouth. She repeated the process for several minutes until the bag was full and the bush was half empty.

She looked at the sickle which was covered with sticky resin. Kumar and Harold just stared at the skill she displayed. She wiped the sickle on another piece of paper and took a second bag, finishing off the first plant.

A botanist, an herbalist, a healer, those am I.
I'll harvest all this flora, then we'll all be off to dry.

In a matter of a few minutes, Zercora had expertly harvested most of the crop, not once touching the product or letting it hit the ground; she did not have enough paper for all of the buds. All Harold and Kumar could do was applaud, so deftly and quickly did she harvest the dope. She placed the paper bags into her saddlebags, wrapped the sickle in yet more paper and looked at the two humans.

Human friends, the Everfree
has dangers, so stay close to me.

With that, she strode forward. "Wait, let us put our backpacks on!" Harold struggled to get his back on while Kumar simply rummaged through his and pulled out about a case of water bottles.

"Just a moment please, I have to do something." He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a small bag. He looked at Harold and grinned, then started pushing seeds down into the soil at the bottom of the draw, all told about thirty of so. Then he started opening bottles of water and soaked the ground, while Zecora looked on with interest.

What is that bottle made of? May I see it please?
I'd surely like to take home a few of these.

She squeezed the bottle between her hooves, fascinated by the texture of the clear plastic.

When Kumar had finished playing Johnny Appleseed, he gathered up the remaining bottles and stuffed them back in his considerably lighter pack. "You can have all of the bottles you want, Zecora. It is a little dangerous out here, though, right? We do have some magic of our own." He uncased the .270, checked the safety and started to load it.

Harold did the same with the shotgun. "We never did get to practice."

"This time, just don't shoot any mythological figures that aren't trying to eat us, OK?" Kumar winked at Zecora, who was utterly nonplussed.

Harold rolled his eyes. "Will you just get over that? I mean, it was a freak accident, OK?"

Kumar worked the bolt and pushed a round into the chamber. "It's not something you just get over. I'm traumatized for life."

Harold worked the slide with a satisfying click. "Good. I hope it gives you nightmares, motherfucker," said Harold, who was feeling suddenly badass.

Zecora looked at the two humans, their attitudes changing suddenly as they armed themselves, and was taken a bit aback.

Those sticks you have, what are they for?
What magic do they have in store?

Harold spoke up. "There are guns, Zecora. They're weapons that can kill at a distance." He nodded at Kumar's scoped rifle. "That one shoots a long distance." He indicated his shotgun. "This one is shorter ranged but can cause more damage."

"Just be careful. I mean it." Kumar looked at Harold very seriously. "No fucking around."

"Yeah, OK, I'll be careful." Harold seemed somewhat deflated.

Zecora looked at them in confusion.

Why came you here, so heavily armed?
Will ponies by you ever be harmed?

"We'd never hurt a pony. Not on purpose anyway." Kumar glared at Harold, who nodded glumly. "But there are dragons, hydras, and manticores right? And we weren't really sure what we'd find here." Kumar slung the weapon. "We're far away from home and until now, friendless." He smiled at Zecora. "You are our friend, right Zecora?"

Kumar's eyes shone with sincerity. Zecora visibly relaxed and then nodded.

This zebra ever shall be
the truest friend to thee.

She started walking and the two humans followed, chatting amicably about the creatures of the forest, the geography, the location of Ponyville and so forth. They entered the forest and the sky darkened. Perhaps darkened was not the right word; they entered a greenish gloom. The forest was a mass of growth of every shade of green and texture of vegetation imaginable, none of them familiar. Zecora pointed out particularly useful and interesting plants, pointed out the markers indicating manticore territory, and how to avoid it, then paused to pick up what looked to be an incredibly detailed statute of a squirrel.

A cockatrice got you, little one.
But I have cures to change you back from stone.

When they saw this, the two started looking around at the forest with apprehension. Zecora looked at them and laughed.

My brave young ones, do not take fright.
The cockatrice comes out at night.

"Why would it turn things to stone? Does it eat stone?" Harold was mystified by the evolutionary advantages that may be gained by gorgonism.

Some creatures use urine and feces to mark their range;
The cockatrice turns creatures to stone. Is that so strange?

Harold mulled that over. "So the cockatrice marks it's territory with it's victims? That's pretty cold. But it makes sense; I bet it gets left alone."

Mostly, although Fluttershy
comes to visit, bye and bye.

Kumar spoke up. "Zecora, why do you speak in rhymes? Is that something all zebras do?"

Zecora was silent for a bit, and Kumar and Harold didn't push the issue, but eventually she sighed sadly.

I was punished and bound with a curse,
To forever speak only in verse.

"Really? You can't speak in prose at all? You rhyme so well..." Harold seemed quite upset at the thought of Zecora being cursed, though what she could have done to be punished like that, and by whom, he couldn't begin to imagine.

It was a long time ago.
One gets used to it, you know.
Worry not yourself, my friend,
my tree is just 'round the bend.

True to her word, they came to a great tree with a door in the trunk. She opened the door.

Kumar, Harold, come in my tree
A second home, please let it be.

"Zecora, you are truly awesome." Kumar entered the massive bole.

"Thank you so much Zecora. This place is amazing." Harold followed Kumar, looking around in wonder.

Zecora smiled, followed Harold in, and closed the door.

Chapter 6: Kumar Uses a Toilet

Kumar stared at the hole in the wall. It was a nice, clean, porcelain hole in the wall, set at almost four feet high. It had a notch to hold the tail, and was molded and inset about eight inches, so that number 1 could go straight down and number 2 could could go straight out. Next to it was a bidet with a similar arrangement. Well, that answers THAT particular fandom argument. Still, this did not help Kumar with his current predicament. He had to GO.

The problem was that he had his buttocks did not project as far as a ponies would. And the target was just a few inches too high. I don't have anything to stand on... wait, maybe if I roll up my clothes and turn my shoes upside down... and stand on my toes... I can just reach...

Naked and precariously balanced on a pile of his clothing, Kumar eased himself back into the porcelain seat, his penis just clearing the bottom of the apparatus. He sighed in relief as he started to simultaneously evacuate his bowels and his bladder. And then he lost his balance.

The sounds that came from inside of the bathroom were like nothing recognizable on Earth or in Equestria. Harold and Zecora looked at one another, then at the door, then back at each other as the series of crashes, screams and "Oh God Noes!" rang out. Their hostess went to reach for the door handle, but Harold took her by the hoof. "He may need a few minutes."

They continued to wait, exchanging looks as the cries to a merciful deity, invocations of hellfire from same said deity, and pitiful cries of woe and whimpers of pain gradually diminished. Kumar eventually cracked the door. "Harold!" A foul odor issued forth, causing Zecora to hurriedly reach for a bunch of drying herbs to hold against her muzzle.

Harold went up to the door, trying not to see the carnage inside. "Kumar! You're hurt!"

"I dink I broke my dose." Blood dripped down Kumar's mouth and chin.

"How could you break your nose going to the bathroom?" Harold was incredulous.

"Just do me a favor add shud up. I deed a big plasdic bag, a mop, a bucked of wader, soap, add a bad. Den I deed a change of clodes. Please. I'll just waid id here add suck ad life." Kumar closed the door behind him.

An hour later, Kumar had cleaned up the bathroom, been bathed, had his nose set by Zecora, and changed into a fresh set of clothes. Harold took the old clothes in a bag and buried them in the forest, where it is hoped they will never be found. Zecora gave him one of her potions for pain relief and after some concern about possible side effects of pony potions on humans, Kumar downed it. The pain eased back to a dull ache and the swelling was considerably reduced. "Wow, that didn't even taste bad! Don't know if you could get blue toadstool shavings harvested by moonlight approved by the FDA, though."

Kumar, I'm sorry your morning did suck. It
would be better if you just used a bucket.

Kumar looked at Zecora askance, and she shrugged in reply. "Hey, you try finding something that rhymes with bucket!" Harold interjected. Zecora smiled at him and gently rubbed her face into his chest as he patted her affectionately on the neck.

Kumar suppressed the obvious rejoinder. "Well then," Kumar regarded the two with something like acceptance, "we have a little ways to walk. Let's load up." The humans put their gear together and Zecora got her saddlebags with some sample bags and some prepared potions with the names of customers on the bottles. The pony script looked odd to the humans. Almost Roman lettering, with some deviations resembling horseshoes and stars.

"Horseshoes..." Harold muttered. "Honey, what is a horseshoe for?" Zecora looked at him, quizzically.

A game they play in Ponyville,
in which I have but little skill.

"So you would not wear it as a shoe?"

Zecora opened her mouth to say something, then stopped, looked down at the sneakers on Harold's feet and looked back up at him. She blinked and seemed unable to speak for a minute, then recovered.

One cannot wear a horse shoe!
A hoofcuff you refer to.

Zecora walked to her closet and took out four black cylindrical objects that appeared to be intended to slide over the hoof. They had ridges at the bottom that would lift the hoof off the ground, but left the majority of the pad uncovered, leaving the pad free for grabbing. Harold nodded. "OK, but... what is a horse?"

Kumar couldn't help himself. "A horse is a horse, of course, of course," he sang. Zecora whinnied laughter and shook her head.

A horse is a rather large pony, in Saddle Arabia born,
resembling Equestrian farm folk, both being without wings or horn.

Harold giggled. "Saddle Arabia? Never mind..." Zecora shrugged. "Well, we probably should get going."

"Should we bring, you know..." Kumar gestured to the rifle and shotgun.

"I don't think so. That was when we didn't know what we'd run into." Harold gestured at Zecora. "She'll get us to Ponyville safely. We'll just leave them here, OK Zecora?" Zecora nodded.

The trio walked out of Zecora's tree, into the Everfree forest. It was alive with sound as life exerted its creative and destructive forces all around them. Squirrels threw acorns at them, the roar of a manticore could be heard in the distance and they passed what looked like a statue of a wild boar. Kumar looked at Zecora.

I'll bring Flutters back with me,
So he'll be calm when free.

They continued, the canopy overhead thinning and the light becoming more yellow and less green. After several minutes, they found a dirt road. Zecora motioned for them to follow as she turned left onto it. The forest thinned out, and soon they could see plains in the distance. An apple orchard on a line of hills with a big red barn and a farmhouse was on their left. They saw the river they had spied from the hillside, with a bridge over it. Over the bridge, there were buildings. And ponies. Lots and lots of ponies.

Chapter 7: Welcome to Ponyville and Who The Hell Are You?

Author's Note

I made a slight alteration to an earlier chapter; Zecora did not have enough paper bags to harvest the entire crop from the three plants.

Chapter 7: Welcome to Ponyville and Who The Hell Are You?

There were four bridges, actually; broad stone single arches, well maintained and sturdy looking, crossing where the river was about twenty feet wide. The westward-flowing waterway passed through the south side of the town before continuing towards its source at the base of the Canterlot Falls, and there were about a dozen half-timbered thatch-roofed cottages, mostly single story dwellings, between the group and the bridge immediately in front of them. To the left, they could see a collection of brightly colored tents, with multicolored pennants snapping in the light breeze, market stalls laden with goods and produce, but there were no ponies visible nearby. Immediately across the bridge, about two hundred yards away, the tallest structure in town commanded the eye. The town hall was about four stories high, twice the height of any other building. Despite the sturdy construction of the walls, reminiscent of Tudor-Revival to Harold's eye, the circular structure seemed airy due to the lighter construction of the wooden roof, large glass windows and the broad, open balcony all around the second floor.

There were hundreds of ponies of all colors gathered around the town all, speaking quietly to each other and occasionally glancing upward at the balcony, obviously waiting for somepony to make an entrance. Kumar and Harold looked at each other and then at Zecora. She looked at Harold, cleared her throat and spoke.

Do not look at me, my dear,
I don't know what goes on here.

"Do you think we should just go on up?" Kumar raised his eyebrow in an unconsciously Spockian manner.

Harold shook his head. "We could be interrupting something important. Maybe we should wait." Zecora nodded as her new coltfriend spoke.

I'd rather introduce you to
selected ponies; just a few.
They can be skittish, I'm avowed
when they are gathered in a crowd.

Kumar grinned at the rhyme. "You're so good at that." Zecora blushed slightly and smiled. "And humans are the same way. Let's hang back." The smell of apples wafted in on the breeze from the west and Harold looked up to see a large red barn a half a mile away, up a hill.

"Is that Sweet Apple Acres? Maybe we could see if anyone is there. The Apples are sensible, from what I... uh... have heard." Zecora quicked her eyebrow in an echo of Kumar's earlier gesture, but then shrugged and nodded.

There is truth in what you say.
Follow me, I know the way.

The trio turned left and headed up the gentle slop, grass moistening their shoes and hooves, respectively.

____________

"Now just what is this you've found, Pinkie Pie?" Twilight Sparkle looked at the pages which had fallen from the magazine with interest.

"I have no idea they were just sitting there on the grass and I picked them up and I looked at one and it has pictures of weird stuff and words and I looked at another and it had more pictures of weird stuff and more words and I looked at another one and it had some pictures of some REALLY weird stuff and that's when I figured I should go find you Twilight because," Pinkie Pie paused for a half second, inhaling loudly, "you are the smartest pony I know and you can figure out what they are and what those things in the pictures are and what they're doing and where they came from and how they managed to fit that many penises in one vagina!" Pinkie beamed.

Twilight Sparkle spread the pages out on her desk. "I think these must be pages from some sort of scholarly research publication about the mating customs of this race, whatever they are. Bipedal, with a high degree of sexual dimorphism; I mean, just LOOK at the size of those mammaries! Small eyes, flat faces, tiny ears, and those things on the ends of their hooves... I wonder what those are for?' She peered closely at one of the photos. "Oh, that's what they're for! Interesting! Thanks for bringing this to my attention, Pinkie! Just trying to figure out this alphabet may take weeks of intense scholarship!" Twilight practically vibrated with excitement. "But just now, we have to go to Mayor Mare's ceremonial swearing in."

"Why does she have to get sworn in again? She's been mayor forever! It's not like anypony else is going to want that job!" Pinkie looked downcast at the thought of having to spend fifteen minutes being quiet listening to a speech, but then she brightened as she walked out of the door of the library next to Twilight, who stuffed the glossy pages into her saddlebag with a purple glow glinting off fleshtones. "But Princess Celestia will be there. And I made some brownies for after the ceremony! And I brought enough for everypony!" She gestured at the cart she had parked in front of Twilight's place. "And guess what Twilight! I added a secret ingredient! I found it in the Everfree Forest, and everypony's gonna love it!"

"Sounds wonderful, Pinkie! I'm looking forward to trying one! Now let's get to the ceremony, we don't want to be tardy!" Pinkie grabbed the handle of her pink brownie cart and pulled with a will.

____________

Kumar trudged up alone behind the inter-species lovers, wondering once more just how the hell this all happened. Harold and Zecora whispered to each other and laughed, making Kumar shake his head. Yes, she's smart, and she's sweet, and she's pretty. But she's a fucking zebra! My best friend is in love with a zebra! He sighed, not for the first time finding himself jealous of Harold's peculiar attraction to the four legged shaman. If you have to be that way, this really is the place to be that way, isn't it? His earlier jokes about Twilight needing sex really were just that; jokes. He was not attracted to the four-hooved variety like so many of the online fans appeared to be. But perhaps many of them were also joking. Still, the irony was not lost on him.

The group was cresting a hill when they heard a loud crack sound followed by a series of soft thumps.

It sounds to me like we are in luck;
that sound you hear is an apple buck!

Zecora's lilting tones calmed the humans and the three continued to walk through the neatly laid out orchard. The crack-thump-thump-thump sounds continued for several minutes and got louder as they approached the source of the noise. A large red pony with a green apple on his flank was absorbed with the task of picking apples up off the orchard grounds with his mouth and depositing them in a large basket.

Harold's grin split his face. "Big Macintosh!"

Big Mac stood as tall an an average sized human and must have weighed 600 pounds; he was about midway in size between a normal-sized pony and a quarter horse. He looked up and mildly said, "Ayup." Then his eyes bulged as he took in Zecora and the two humans. "What the hay!?" His deep baritone boomed almost through Harold's chest. "What are you two supposed to be!?"

Zecora stepped forward.

Big Macintosh, don't show alarm,
these human beings mean no harm.
They come to us from far away,
and I have known them just one day.
Their looks and ways are strange indeed,
but I will get you up to speed.
I'm worried not what they will do,
for they know friendship that is true.

The stallion seemed to relax slightly, though he still kept looking with eyes as wide as dinner plates between Harold and Kumar, both of whom instinctively assumed a non-threatening posture, thinking to themselves that this was a pony who could seriously kick their asses if he was so inclined. Zecora wasn't a quarter of his mass. "Well, any friends of Zecora's will always be welcome here at Sweet Apple Acres, so I'm sorry I got riled up there. Hope you understand you sort of startled me."

Harold smiled back, relaxing himself. "Oh, of course. We've come from far away, as Zecora said, and we've heard about your farm and wanted to come for a visit."

Kumar walked over next to Harold. "We hope you don't mind."

"Nope. Sorry, I'm the only one here. Everypony else is in town to see Mayor Mare's swearing in. Princess Celestia will be there. Here she comes now, in fact." He gestured and the group looked up to see a large chariot pulled by pegasi in golden armor coming in for a landing near the town hall, almost a mile away. "I think we should go see her. She'll know what the right thing to do is, she always does, and the other ponies won't panic at seeing you if she is there." Zecora nodded. "The apples will keep, and we can give you a tour of the farm later. You know my name, what are yours?"

"Oh I'm Harold, and this ass... tounding fellow is Kumar." Kumar waved and smiled as the four of them started to walk back down the hill towards Ponyville.

Chapter 8: Baked Goods

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 9: A Dirty Picture is Worth a Thousand Dirty Words

Celestia looked down upon the three friends benignly as they stared at her. The other ponies around them made no remark about the princess knowing of humans and of the Earth. A frown formed on Kumar's forehead. "Princess Celestia, do any other ponies know about humans?"

"It was a very long time ago, young one. Don't tell any other ponies about the Earth. The ones here are seeing and hearing us having an entirely different conversation. You are travelers from Zecora's homeland, strange creatures that walk on two legs. I don't want the word 'humans' used, in case somepony remembers a tale from a great grand mare or something. Did you speak to anypony else?"

Zecora bowed her head and said, "Only Big Macintosh and Applejack, your highness, and they only know Harold and Kumar as travelers."

Celestia nodded. "Good, I don't like erasing memories. You, Zecora, I know I can trust with a secret." The zebra reddened and nodded. "Just where did Applejack go?"

Kumar spoke up. "Um, your highness, she went to get more food and cider."

"Ooh! Excellent! " The regal alicorn looked hungrily in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres. "Now, if anypony asks, you are Ritters. That should be obscure enough to be safe. That is what the humans called themselves six hundred years ago when they were last here. They weren't very nice. Still, they brought the Arabians with them and we were able to liberate them when they were defeated."

"Ritters? You mean German knights?" Harold was a history buff, among other things. "Yeah, they wouldn't be very nice, probably, 15th century thugs. Say... how is it you're speaking English anyway?"

Celestia smiled and Harold felt like he was being bathed in the light of patience and understanding. "I'm not; you are speaking Equine, just like every unicorn, griffon, dragon, zebra, mule, dragon and diamond dog does, and for the same reason. It was Starswirl's greatest achievement, the Great Compact, by which the leaders of all races agreed to speak a single language within the borders of Equestria, through the use of a great binding spell. Of course, the downside is that he had to create Discord to do so."

"Oh! That's why he looks like that!" Kumar was grinning ear to ear.

"Yes, poor fellow. We thought he could be reasoned with, and Starswirl was able to do so, but ponies don't live forever. When Luna and I had to take over, it didn't work out well and we needed to use the elements in order to turn him to stone. Now we have Fluttershy able to control him, tame him rather, not through magic, but through friendship. I only hope that when... oh, never mind. Forgive me, I do go on sometimes." Celestia's eyes grew somewhat sad; it seemed like inside of them, a star was dying.

"Ponies don't live forever." Kumar too looked somewhat downcast.

"No they don't, but don't feel too sorry for her, Kumar. She'll doubtless outlive you. Ponies don't live forever, but they do live quite a bit longer than humans. I'm just hoping that her lessons to Discord will survive her." Zecora and Harold watched this back and forth and realized that Kumar and the Princess were hitting it off. Odd, given he's so anti-authoritarian, thought Harold.

Celestia looked Kumar and Harold up and down. "You are not dressed for war, so that is a mark in your favor." The friends thought uncomfortably about the firearms they left at Zecora's tree. "You don't have the look of the warrior about you. Tell me, does war still take place between men?"

Harold looked down at his feet. "Yes, very often, and it is always because of stupidity and greed, at least on one side, usually on both."

Celestia regarded him gravely. "And again, it counts in your favor that you are ashamed of it, rather than proud. The men who came here before killed ponies for sport." Kumar paled slightly at the thought. "It seems that humanity is well represented in you two. We'll talk more later about just how you got here, and your little agricultural experiment, but you seem like decent enough people to me. Let's enjoy the music and the glamours, shall we?"

The men relaxed and grinned. Kumar wiggled his eyebrows at Harold and turned to the princess. "That sounds like a great idea, your highness. And, by any chance, are any of those brownies left?" The princess rolled her eyes and a small basket appeared in front of them. "Yes!" cried the two stoners, giving each other a high five.

__________

Having eaten the brownies, and having borrowed a few bits from Zecora for cider and fritters, the two friends sat in the square with the princess and her impromptu court, Zecora having accepted part of one brownie at Harold's suggestion. They listened and watched as the band changed over, Mayor Mare hugging Octavia and Pretty Beat. Twilight was getting very inventive in her illusions now, and it seemed like they were watching a psychedelic movie with a symphonic soundtrack as Octavia's quartet, having been dispatched to fetch their instruments, improvised a thrilling score.

Harold leaned back against Zecora, who giggled contentedly. "Now this is the life. An amazing show, incredible music, a beautiful girl," Zecora nuzzled the back of his neck, "and I'm mellow as all hell-o. Aaaahhhh..." He sighed, as relaxed and happy as he could remember. Meanwhile, Kumar and Celestia were talking about magic.

"So tell me please, why is it that unicorns, and alicorns, are the only ones who can cast spells?" Kumar, high as a kite on a very cerebral weed, was enthralled by Celestia's conversation. Celestia approved of Kumar's curiosity, and was pleased to have someone listen so intently as she went over the fundamentals of magic. Usually this material had to be dumbed down for kindergartners, and presenting such basic information using her full range of vocabulary was quite refreshing. She was also quite relaxed and chatty.

"You see, Kumar, all living creatures have magic within them. It is, however, expressed in different ways. In the case of pegasi, their magic allows them flight. Surely you can see that Cloud Breaker's wings are far to small for her body weight. Magic is what makes flight, aerobatics and great speed possible for a pegasus. Earth ponies express their magic through great physical strength and endurance. Big Macintosh over there." she nodded at the red stallion, "can lift three times his body weight over his head. If he had to, he could do hard physical labor for three days straight without taking a break, or even stopping to eat. Unicorns have the most versatile gift, allowing us to manipulate matter and energy at a distance using our horns, which have a direct connection to our brains and act as a focusing mechanism for our thoughts. A deeper understanding of the physical universe allows a unicorn to perform some very powerful, and often dangerous magic. Alicorns combine the magic of all three pony races."

"I understand that Twilight was a unicorn before you transformed her into an alicorn." Kumar gazed into Celestia's eyes intently.

"Yes. Alicorns are made, not born. I was a unicorn myself when I was a filly. One of great magical power, much like Twilight was. It's funny, I really can't remember my childhood. I'm not even sure exactly how old I am; the records have been lost. I have some vague impressions of my parents, and I know they too were unicorns, but I can't remember their names. Isn't that funny?" A tear tracked down Celestia's cheek. "I just remember myself and Luna being packed off to magic boarding school and crying a lot."

Kumar watched silently as she wiped away the moisture. "You know, I don't generally get this emotional. This is quite an interesting sensation, but definitely best in moderation." Zecora giggled.

Your highness, that rhymed!
It helps, I have found,
if I write good ones down.
I hope you won't mind.

Harold blinked. "Zecora, did you just use an ABBA pattern? I've only ever heard you rhyme in AABB patterns before!"

Zecora shrugged and giggled, followed by Harold, Kumar and finally Celestia. Just then Twilight Sparkle flew over, having handed off the light show to Twinkleshine, an accomplished illusionist who proceeded to light up the sky with a fireworks show to the oohs and aahs of the still high audience while Octavia's orchestra played The Lunar Overture. She tried to land and bow at the same time but wound up landing in a giggling heap. "Oops! Hahahaha... What is wrong with me? Whatever it is, I like it!"

Celestia reached over with some magic and lifted Twilight into a more dignified position. "Twilight, I'd like you to meet some friends of Zecora's. They're called Ritters, and their names are Harold and Kumar. This is Princess Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship."

Harold and Kumar stood up to be able to bow, and Twilight's eye's bulged! "It's you! I mean, you're them! I mean, you're not actually them, just like them!" Harold and Kumar looked at each other with some alarm.

Harold gulped. "What do you mean, your highness? We just met you!"

Twilight nodded. "Yes, that's right! Just now! Heh, heh... I wonder if this is what it's like to be Pinkie Pie! Oh yeah... HEY GIRLS!" Twilight bellowed, startling Celestia out of her mellow doze. "C'MERE!" Then she looked at the confused humans with a slightly manic expression.

Applejack was the first to come over, having just shut up her empty food cart with a nice solid jingle from the bits drawer. "Oh, hi y'all, I'm sorry I was so rude before but ah've never seen so many hungry, hungry ponies at one time and in one place! Ah'm Applejack, but you can just call me AJ." She reached her hoof forward and Kumar and then Harold shook in turn, introducing themselves. "Hi Zecora! Where'd you meet these two?" Zecora just shrugged and giggled again. "Oh, you had a brownie too, huh? Ah think ah'll just stick with good ol' winter cider myself. Anyways, Big Mac said y'all wanted a look at the farm, so ah'll be happy to give you the grand tour tomorrow if y'all are up to it." The humans nodded and thanked her just as Rarity walked up.

"Hello, Twilight darling! Oh, Princess Celestia! Forgive my state, your highness, I'm afraid I just don't know what's come over me."

"Pinkie Pie spiked the brownies, Rarity!" AJ chuckled. "She didn't mean too though."

Rarity face showed dawning comprehension. "So that's what's been going on! Twilight darling, that light show you gave was incredible! And I have to say I've never heard better music!" Then Harold and Kumar caught her eye. "Well, hello!" Introductions were finishing just as a cloud floated overheard and two pegasi rolled out of it, gently flopping down to the ground.

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy nodded dreamily to Princess Celestia and then looked at Twilight. The Wonderbolt Reservist spoke first. "So, what is it, like, do we need to defeat a bad guy or something? Because. That. Would. Be. Awesome!"

"Oh Dashie, I'm sure Twilight just wanted to introduce us to her friends here. Whatever they are." Fluttershy smiled an extremely mellow and relaxed smile and all the parties were introduced yet again.

Twilight looked around, the flew up. "Pinkie Pie? Pinkie Pie!" She flew back down again. "Has anypony seen Pinkie Pie?"

Fluttershy spoke up first. "I saw her sitting on the north side of the courtyard. Looking at her hooves, I think."

"Say, how many brownies do you think Pinkie Pie ate?" Kumar had a dazed and concerned look upon his face.

"Ah'd say she at at least four that ah saw." Kumar put his palm to his face as AJ spoke.

"We have to go get her. She's probably tripping. Princess Twilight, we really need to check her out. I think she may have overdosed."

Celestia broke in. "Overdosed? I thought you said this was safe."

"Well, she won't die from it, but she may freak out if she isn't brought back carefully. She may have some difficulty returning to reality after eating that much."

Rainbow Dash chuckled. "Return to reality? I don't think she's ever been there in the first place!"

Celestia nodded and rose to her hooves, and the group started to head north to where Pinkie had been seen. After a few minutes, the giggling royal progress found Pinkie Pie staring at her hooves with intense concentration.

Twilight flew, somewhat unsteadily, over to Pinkie. "Hey, are you alright?" Pinkie turned and looked at Twilight, her eyes huge and round.

"Twilight, have you ever looked at your hooves? I mean really looked at your hooves?" Pinkie's pupils were fully dilated and she was sweating. "If you look closely, you can see a million tiny hooves all along the surface of your hoof. And if you look reeeeeally closely, you can see that on each of those tiny hooves, there's a million more tiny hooves! I'm trying to see how far down it goes!"

Twilight stared at Pinkie's hooves. "Whoa." She sat there looking at Pinkie's hoof for a minute, not saying anything until Celestia cleared her throat. "Oh, yeah. Pinkie, we've got some new friends for you to meet."

"Friends? Friends!!" Pinkie's friendship reflex kicked in; her examination of the fractals of the hoof cuticle coming to an end as she jumped six feet straight up and screamed, "FRIENDS!" her eyes bugging out, her hair bugging out, and her legs bugging out. She paused, suspended in mid-air for a few seconds as her eyes slowly rotated to focus on Harold and Kumar who were shrinking back, genuinely frightened by the apparition. The ponies just stared, dumbfounded.

"Reality..." snorted Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie exploded in the direction of Harold and Kumar, knocking them down and landing with a hoof planted in the middle of each one's chest. "FRIENDS!!!" she roared, her mouth yawning in their faces as a hurricane force wind of love and tolerance blasted their faces with sweet brownie breath. She looked down, smiling, at her helpless prey.

"Hey Twilight, it's those creatures! Oh boy! Now you can tell me who you are and how you got here and what you're doing here and how they fit so many penises in one vagina and we can be friends! Yes!" The ponies looked on in stunned amazement while the humans struggled for breath, pinned down by a tripping friendship fiend.

Twilight was the first to recover. "Thanks for reminding me, Pinkie. Princess Celestia, Pinkie found these in the Everfree Forest. I think they're pages from an illustrated Ritter biology textbook. Take a look everypony!" She proceeded to distribute the glossy pages to all assembled.

Celestia gasped and turned bright pink. Fluttershy took one look and hit the ground with a squeak, trying to hide her fierce blushing under a blade of grass. Applejack's mouth dropped open and she stared at Twilight. Rarity regarded the picture before her in frozen, horrified shock and Rainbow Dash started laughing hysterically. Pinkie continued to terrify the incapacitated humans with her happy predator gaze as Zecora looked the the page, then at Harold, then back at the page, then back at Harold.

Between laughing fits, Rainbow Dash managed to choke out a few words. "Twilight, you incredible nerd! HAHAHAHA! That's not a textbook! PFFFFTT!!! It's a hoof-off mag! HOHOHOHAHAHA!"

Twilight just looked disappointed. "Oh. I was hoping to glean some insight into the Ritter language by translating the text associated with the pictures."

"Well, unless you think the words 'pizza delivery colt' and 'oh baby, do me' have a deep cultural significance..." Rainbow Dash fell down, helplessly rolling around with fresh paroxysms of laughter. Then Zecora started to chuckle, followed by Celestia and Applejack, and eventually everypony was laughing except Pinkie and the hapless humans.

Pinkie Pie leaned in close to Kumar's face and said "So just how did they fit all those penises in one vagina anyway?"

The laughter continued throughout the night.

Chapter 10: The Morning After the Night Before

The sun was a few hours late coming up in the morning, and as a result she had to send royal apologies to all the farm animals; in particular the roosters were quite upset. Princess Luna glowered at her older sister, who was blearily drinking coffee and trying to remember all of what happened last night.

"It isn't bad enough that you set the sun early while I was still asleep, and I didn't raise the moon so it was pitch dark over most of Equestria for four hours; it wasn't enough that you could not be woken until nine-o-clock in the morning; but you were at the party that EVERYPONY WILL BE TALKING ABOUT FOR THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS AND YOU DIDN'T INVITE ME!" Luna seethed, staring daggers at the ruler of Equestria.

Celestia was downcast. "I know, I know, I'm so sorry. Look, I did bring you back a brownie. It only has one bite out of it."

"Oh great! I'll just eat it by myself and stay up in my room!" Luna snorted. "I may just as well! I miss out on EVERYTHING! You remember what happened the LAST time you neglected me!"

Celestia glared back. "So should you!" Eye daggers clashed, then they both softened. "I'm... I really am so sorry, Luna. Please. I should have sent somepony to get you but... everything was just sort of happening! I was living in the moment. So was everypony else! I wasn't worried about anything... and yes, it was very bad judgement on my part to change the schedule like that, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I promise, no more brownies for me. Unless you're with me, OK? And we have a designated princess."

"Well... alright then. We'll make Twilight control the celestial bodies?" Luna ventured a small smile. She didn't want to be angry, but being left out hurt her more than anything.

Celestia nodded. "Better than Cadence. Math was never a strong subject for her. She couldn't add more than one and one. Well, occasionally she could count up to three when the mood was upon her." Celestia and Luna started chuckling together.

"So, tell me about the Ritters." Luna rested her head on her hoof, leaning on the table in the breakfast nook.

Celestia sighed. "There's a lot to talk about. These ones seem alright, and they certainly have some interesting conversation, but the last time humans from Earth came here, we had the Teutonic Incursion. Helfen, Wehren, Heilen indeed! They launched a crusade against us, and tried to exterminate the unicorns! And I don't even want to talk about the Normans! But you remember that one, the smelly things. Not that the Germans were much better but at least they had the general idea of sanitation thanks to that Hospitaler they had with them. Of course, a lot can change in six hundred years. It seems like they haven't entirely kicked the war habit though, so I'm of a mind to keep these two here and destroy the portal... except there are complications." Luna nodded. There were always complications.

Celestia sipped her coffee and continued. "First off, one of the humans has a child back on Earth. Strangely, he's the one who has developed a relationship with Zecora." Luna blinked and tilted her head curiously. "It's a long story that involves a petrification cure, from what I was able to understand of Zecora's rhymes. But they do seem to be happy with one another. I suppose he was happy with his female before he had the child... or maybe she was no longer happy with him. Having foals can drive parents apart as much as bring them together." Luna suddenly was interested in something invisible on the table.

"The other complication is that the portal is located in the middle of a city."

"Oh! That's not good! If you destroy it, it will level everything within a quarter mile! Hundreds of innocent people could be hurt or killed!" Luna covered her mouth with a hoof.

"From what the humans told me, it would be more like ten thousand, if you can believe that. Plus their nation, America, could mistake the explosion for a particularly powerful weapon, a nuke he called it, which apparently most big nations have in quantity. That's the reason their wars tend to be small and in jungles and deserts; the big nations don't dare to go to war directly. America could think one of its enemies had "nuked" Cherry Hill, and that could start a war that could kill... billions? I find it hard to believe that there are that many humans, but Kumar was adamant." Celestia glanced over at the couch with the snoring lump.

"So destroying the portal is out of the question... is there any other way to close it? What's to keep other humans from finding it? Where is it in the city, exactly?"

"It is in an apartment building...that's like a very large house with many different families living in small parts of it, and they've disguised it, so it should be safe for now. Unless they get evicted from their apartment, or the apartment building gets condemned and knocked down, which would happen eventually; they don't build things to last in America. Then there will be an extradimensional portal hanging just hanging about forty feet in the air begging to be investigated. Even if we block it completely on this side, they'd drill through eventually. So we have to keep it a secret, and we need Harold and Kumar for that to happen."

"Oh, so they have a plan?" Luna looked impressed.

"Um, sort of. It involves growing their plants here, selling them to other humans, who apparently will pay quite a bit for it, and using that money to buy the apartment building and bribe the city council to declare it an 'historical heritage site' whatever that is. Their country is only 240 years old, how much historical heritage could they have?"

"Well, it is a plan. The two of them can do that all by themselves?" Luna scratched her mane with her hoof.

"Not exactly. They said they'd need some help, a few humans they believe they can trust." Celesita rubbed some of the sleepiness out of her eyes

"I hope we can trust them too. Because if we can't..."

"I know. Ten thousand. I don't want to think about it, but if needs must..."

"Well, it's getting late for me, time for you to start working and for me to go relax. I will take that brownie with me, I think. And may I borrow Kumar?" The lump on the couch rolled. "I'd like somepony to talk to and if we're going to be working together, it would be best to spend some time talking." She levitated the basket and a few glossy pages fell out of it. "What's this?"

"Oh. Ha ha! Twilight's 'biology illustrations.' That girl... I swear by, um, me? She's so intelligent that she's a little stupid sometimes."

Luna looked at the pictures, scandalized. "Why, this is nothing but base pornography! Disgusting filth! This is what our 'worthy allies' brought with them?"

"They said it was a mistake; they were suffering from some pretty bad judgement themselves. That's something we're going to have to control from now on if we want this plan to work. I'm thinking we'll need somepony really trustworthy to keep an eye on things over there; somepony who can pass as a human. And we need to keep it as quiet as possible on our side as well; you know how silly ponies can be. They'll either be curious or panic. Here, let me throw those things out."

"Don't trouble yourself sister, I will dispose of them. Now, get to work, your ponies need you!"

____________________

Kumar rolled over and fell off the couch onto a rug. "Ow!" He looked up, not quite sure where he was. He remembered falling asleep on the couch after talking with Princess Celestia about magic in her living room until the wee hours. The "Big Bash" as it was being called had broken up and ponies dragged themselves home. Harold and Zecora crashed over at the Library, but Kumar was still up and running and Celestia was still pretty chatty, so they took a moonlight chariot ride back to the palace. It was exhilarating!

This couch, however, was not in Princess Celestia's living room. He was in a boudoir. He stood up and looked around. The windows were all shuttered and the door was closed. The light in the room came from a hurricane lamp on a nightstand next to a large bed. Someone, or somepony rather, was on the bed, reading. An empty basket sat rather untidily on the floor.

Princess Luna looked up from the pages spread out on the bed. "Oh, you're up are you? About time; I was starting to get bored. I was thinking about sending some crazy dreams to the ponies who are still sleeping it off. Come here."

Kumar walked over to the bedside with considerable trepidation. "Hello, I'm Kumar, and you must be..."

"Princess Luna, And you may call me 'your highness.' My sister has a tendency to dispose of formalities. I do not." She scowled at him.

Kumar gulped. "Yes, your highness."

"Now, my little human, you will explain to me exactly what is going on this these photos. This does NOT appear to be normal mating activity!"

"Oh, well, actually, um.."

"WHEN WE ASK A QUESTION, WE EXPECT AN ANSWER!" The Canterlot Voice, used at point blank range, is utterly terrifying.

"No! Yes! Your highness! That's a three way and no it is very unusual and there's no way she'll get pregnant if he puts that in there, so no it isn't normal mating activity. Your highness!" Kumar stood stock still in a state of utter panic. Maybe if I don't move, she won't be able to see me, like with a praying mantis.

"I didn't think so." She blinked. "You know, I think this brownie is finally starting to work."

"Oh? Your ate one, your highness?"

"No, I took it as a suppository, like this human female! Of course I ate it! Like this other human female." She blinked again. "Hee hee! That was funny, wasn't it?"

"Yes, your highness!"

"THEN WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING!?"

"Ha! Ha ha!" Kumar almost crapped himself from sheer terror.

"Very well then. Apparently this drug effects some ponies differently than it does others. I don't want to listen to music. I don't want to eat a pile of nachos. I don't even want to talk right now. I want what she is having here, on page 24, followed by page 27. And if you are a very good colt, I will let you do page 31. Now, strip!"

"Oh God!"

"What's the matter Kumar? Not stallion enough?" She cantered over to him as he stood, paralyzed, grabbed him by the pants, and ripped down. She grinned maniacally, her eyes travelling downward, and then her smile disappeared. "What, really?" Her disappointment was palpable. "Am I not attractive, Kumar?" All of the fire went out of her as she backed away, her eyes starting to well up.

"Oh no, you're adorable! But you're a pony! I'm a human! It's not my thing!" Kumar suddenly felt distressed and embarrassed for her, rather than frightened for himself.

"But what about Harold and Zecora?" She looked like she really needed a hug.

"Well, that's their thing. I'm sorry, I'm only attracted to human females!"

Comprehension dawned on Luna's features. "Ooooh! For a second there I thought we were going to have a problem." Her horn glowed and space seemed to warp around her. Her legs elongated and thinned as did her arms, then her torso narrowed and she assumed an upright posture as large breasts blossomed upon her chest. Her face flattened and her eyes moved closer together. He found himself facing the woman on page 24, though with midnight blue skin, large blue eyes, a distinctive moon-shaped tattoo upon a shapely hip, and hair that seemed to be made of interstellar space. Darkly angelic wings and a unicorn horn completed the picture. "Is this more like it?"

Creator of the universe, I bless you with every atom of my soul! "Much, your highness!" He looked down at himself, then back at her. "Much, much, much!"

"Good. Now, where were we? Oh yes," she said, laying back on the large four-poster, "page 24. Now, slave."

"Yes mistress!"

Chapter 11: Equestrian Cannabis, Inc.

Harold and Kumar stepped back into their apartment, choking on the stench as usual. When he had finished coughing, Harold managed to sputter, "We need to get this place seriously cleaned! No WAY am I bringing Zecora here."

Kumar nodded. "I don't want anypony coming here at all, especially not Her Kinkiness, she'd make me clean the place with my tongue, but if they have to, then it at least needs to be semi-habitable! Right after we sell this pound, we'll get a maid in or a wrecking crew or something..."

"No way! What about when she cleans the mirror? What if she opens the latch?" Harold looked at Kumar aghast.

"Then we give her a push and the timberwolves will take care of the problem?" Kumar grinned sheepishly as Harold scowled. "Meh. You're right, we can't bring ANYONE here we can't trust. So we have to clean the place ourselves." The both shuddered.

"Well, best not to ponder the imponderable." Harold took out his phone. "They're going to be here any minute, so let's get the table set up." Harold cleared off the junk from the top of the coffee table, kicking the magazines, newspapers, paper plates and other junk deposited on the floor under the couch, while Kumar ran a sponge with hot soapy water over the tablettop, sprayed with an anti-bacterial cleaner and wiped. Harold reached into a plastic bag and took out several boxes of zip lock bags and put them on the table. And then Kumar opened the backpack, and removed The Bag, placing it in the middle of the table.

The inhaled deeply as bright greed goodness filled the room. "Now that is what I call an air freshener!" Kumar grinned and flared his nostrils

Harold licked his lips. "Hey, he's going to bring a scale, right?"

Kumar nodded. "He's not coming alone, you know. He bringing two experts with him."

"Experts? What are they, ganjologists?"

There was a sharp rap at the door and Kumar peeped at the peephole, grinned and unlocked the locks, opening the door.

"Gentlemen! So good to see you again!" A thin man with a high forehead and dirty blond hair sauntered in, smiling, and waved his hand in front of his place. "Wow, this place smells like hot balls rubbed with dirty socks! May I introduce my associates, Thing One and Thing Two!, Fellows, meet my boon companions, Harold and Kumar."

Thing one was a greasy haired, thin and gangly blonde, wearing a backwards ballcap, a Buddy Jesus T-shirt and cheap black vinyl jacket. He swaggered into the room, followed by Thing Two, a short, stout, man with black hair, a beard, and dark brown eyes, carrying a black bookbag and dressed much like someone you'd see trying to blend in at a comics shop. Thing One started moving his mouth and noise reminiscent of speech came out. "Noice, noice! I see that you have chosen to decorate your domicile in the style of post mortem feces!" He wrinkled his nose. "Man, it stinks like someone's been spanking their shit in here for a year straight with no shower breaks! Yo, is that paint on the walls or did you just jizz all over them and let it dry?" The short one was silent, bobbing his head, taking in his surroundings.

The two adventurers were momentarily speechless, but then Kumar broke the spell. "Hey, fuck you, you ant fucker! Who the fuck are you to fucking come in here and shit all over my fucking living room!?"

The thin one and the short one shared a look and the thin one grinned. "I like this Arab motherfucker!" The short one made a face like an independent film producer being told his movie was acceptable for theatrical release, but just barely. Thing One turned to Kumar and said, "I am he who is known far and wide by my many fans and followers as Jay, and this little bitch is my mostly totally heterosexual lifemate Silent Bob." Silent Bob made a face like an independent film producer being told his movie was not acceptable for theatrical release and probably never would be.

Howard stared in stupefied amazement. "Are you guys the expert ganjologists?"

Bob's eyebrows climbed and he nodded, a happy and content expression spreading on his face. He inhaled deeply over the table, wafting the green smell towards his nostrils by waving his hands, and his eyes practically popped out of his head. He stared at The Bag with an expression of amazement, and slowly knelt before it, looking up at the stained ceiling as though he were having an existential moment in a cathedral and sought to glimpse the Almighty.

"What the fuck, fat boy?" When Silent Bob continued to contemplate the magnificence before him, Jay looked at the two Equestrianauts. "Hey, what the fuck did you two do to my worser half yo?" Then the scent of the sense overwhelmed his senses as he too focused on The Bag. "Snoochie boochies? Snooooochie boochies! Oh ho ho, and who's the snoochiest, boochiest boochy of them all? You are, yus, yus, yus..." He reached towards the bag, but Silent Bob slapped his hand away with an admonishing glare. Jay looked chastened, then joined his comrade on his knees, a beatific expression on his face as together they worshiped The Promised Weed.

Neil Patrick Harris grinned. "Well, according to my experts here, I'd say that you do indeed have a high quality product on your hands. Shall we put it to the test? I have a date with three delicious vaginas tonight and I don't want to be late for the poon-tang par-tay."

Kumar looked at the trio and turned to Harold. "What do you say, Harold? Joint or bong?"

"Well," said Harold, taking on a pontifical air, "there are those who would say a bong gives you the unadulterated head, but a joint gives you the flavor. I think we should do both, first the joint, then the bong."

"A wonderful suggestion!" Kumar grinned. "How about one of you expert potheads roll us up a fatty?"

Jay turned to Silent Bob. "If there is one thing this fat fuck is good at in life, and really, there is only one thing this fat fuck is good at in life, it is rolling fat spliffs." Silent Bob wiggled his eyebrows, sat down and set out a pack of Raw papers, eliciting a grunt of admiration from Kumar, cracked his knuckles, and looked about for an appropriate cleaning surface.

Harold reached under the couch to retrieve a beat up Penthouse, but Silent Bob waved if off. Kumar nodded, went to his room and returned with a clean and fresh Playboy. Silent Bob smiled with an air of professional satisfaction, and motioned towards The Bag.

The Bag itself was a one gallon Ziploc, stuffed near to bursting. Kumar opened the lock and the green scent redoubled in force, causing Silent Bob to silently thank the gods of ganja once more, Neil Patrick Harris to take off his sunglasses, and Jay to say snoochie boochies repeatedly under his breath.

Kumar selected a single bud, perhaps a healthy gram, and removed it from the bag. He deposited it between the breasts of the Miss February and closed the bag. Silent Bob took the bud by the central stem, and looked at it closely, his astonishment growing as he saw rainbow fibers glistening with THC crystals intertwined with the tight green buds along the stalk. He swallowed and crushed it between his fingers, the cured bud crumbling to bits and scattering over the glossy surface. No seeds leapt from between his fingers as he broke up bud into smokable dimensions.

"Sense, baby!" Harold was grinning from ear to ear as Silent Bob quickly removed small bits of stem that might have poked holes in the paper. He removed a silk-thread paper from the pack, bent it, deposited the cleaned product into the bend and used his pinkie to separate it into two small mounds. Then he precisely lined up his fingers with the mounds, rolled the paper in a single smooth motion and licked the sticky gum closed with no extra saliva coating the side of the joint. He pinched the ends and held aloft something that looked like a machine rolled cigarette.

Kumar whistled. "Now THAT is a joint sir. I salute you! Now, who gets first hit?" Jay smiled but Kumar's death gaze brought him down.

"I think it should be our celebrity guest star," said Harold.

Kumar nodded "Seems fair to me." Silent Bob passed the joint to Neil Patrick Harris who eyed it critically.

"Gentlemen, this may be the greatest joint ever rolled. I am honored to have first toke. Thing One! Light me!" Jay's hand shot out, with a lighter bearing the Bluntman and Chronic logo, flame blazing to strike the end of the joint in Neil Patrick Harris' mouth with inhuman accuracy. The dissipated child star inhaled and little stars and rainbows seemed to spark where the weed burned.

Neil Patrick Harris was no stranger to the drug scene. Au contraire, he was a connoisseur of the first water, and expected that he was going to smoke some good weed and get high. So as he held his breath and the Equestrian-grown weed penetrated his lungs, the THC molecules permeating his bloodstream, binding with the cannibanoid receptors in his brain, he remarked to himself how suddenly life just seemed so much more worth living. He regarded the stains on walls and imagined the parties and good times that must have caused them to have been splattered there. He looked at the joint and thought of all the practice that Silent Bob must have put into perfecting his skills, and that caused his respect for that worthy gentleman to skyrocket. He glanced down at Miss February and marveled at her elegant beauty, even allowing for the makeup and photoshop work.

"Holy shit! I've been looking at life all wrong! Here you go, my friend." He passed the joint to Kumar.

Presently the room was filled with aromatic smoke, and the five men sat, gazing in wonder at the world around them.

"I've wasted my entire life," said Jay. Silent Bob nodded.

"It's one thing to eat the brownies, but this..." Kumar looked at Harold, "I never imagined that I could feel like this."

Harold stared at The Bag. "Don't forget our duty, Kumar. Our duty to the ones we love." The four others nodded, three of them not understanding what was being said, but accepting it. "Guys, how much would this sell for, retail?"

Neil Patrick Harris looked in awe at the half joint in between his fingers. "I don't know if you should sell it. Something this wonderful should be given away, to make the world a better place. But since money is needed for basic sustenance, shelter, clothing and such... I could see this selling for five hundred an ounce in the city."

"And how much do we have here?" Kumar looked at The Bag with awe and anticipation.

Silent Bob reached into his bag and took out an electronic scale. He zeroed it out, placed the bag on it and smiled, gesturing at Jay.

Jay read, "One period three five ell-bee-ess."

Harold smiled hazily. "That's one point three five pounds, you gangling monkeybeast." Jay grinned and nodded. "So at five hundred an ounce, that's nearly eleven thousand dollars."

Jay shook his head. "No way, we don't sell this by the ounce, we sell it by the eighth for one twenty! Me and the human rolling machine here can move these snoochie boochies in a week!"

Kumar blinked and stared at Jay. "That's twenty thousand dollars." Silent Bob nodded.

Neil Patrick Harris whistled. "Lets finish this joint up and start making eighths. I'm afraid my vagina hat trick will have to wait."

_______

Several hours later, about half of the bag was split up, and high as they were, it was time for another round.

"What say we break out the Bong of the Planes?" Harold poked Kumar in the ribs with an elbow.

"Sure, why not?" Kumar jumped up and returned presently with the tricked-out device. Jay and Silent Bob chuckled as Neil Patrick Harris put his sunglasses back on. Within a few minutes the bong was loaded and ready to go.

As it was passed around, the conversation returned to the origin of this fantastic weed. "Seriously guys, who's your grower? How did you get it? Do you have hydro somewhere in this place?" Neil Patrick Harris smiled as all was denied, the bong coming around to him. "Well, I wish I knew where it came from." The bong bubbled.

There was a knocking. From the mirror.

"Yo, what the fuck is that?" Jay looked at Silent Bob. "Dude, are you throwing your voice or something?" Silent Bob replied with the silent WTF look he had perfected over the years. The knocking continued.

"Oh shit," said Harold and Kumar together.

There was a purple glow and the latch holding the mirror flipped up. The mirror swung out.

Twilight Sparkle walked into the room.

Author's Note

OMG Silent Bob fucking say something; you're so hard to write!

Chapter 12: Weed, Interrupted

The lavender alicorn looked around the apartment. Yuck! Then she looked at her two friends and the three strangers who were gazing at her like she was, well, a lavender alicorn in a world where there were no lavender alicorns. "Harold, Kumar, who are these humans? I thought you weren't going to tell anypony else about this operation. I said I was going to come here in one week for an inspection, and it has been one week, exactly. And this is what I find going on?"

They stared at her as though they didn't understand what she was saying. Of course they don't understand what I am saying, the Great Compact doesn't extend beyond Equestria. Let me try a general translation spell. It won't be very accurate at first; it needs time to calibrate. Her horn glowed and she felt her ears and throat tingle. Here goes!

The alicorn cleared her throat. "Harold, Kumar, sapient apes which do not know? Ego mentality negation vocalization otherbeing regards to subject. Ego expressed arrival location time period..." She stopped, looking at the blank stares. Still not getting through. Let me dial up the discriminator. "Harold. Kumar, what persons be these? I remember you speaking that you would not be speaking to otherpersons regarding the matter. Inspection, remember?" Close enough.

Harold and Kumar looked at one another for a moment, then a lightbulb went off over both of their heads and together they said "Translation spell!"

Kumar continued. "Twilight, we did say we'd need to work with a sales and marketing and finance team, right? Based on their estimates, and a profit of ten thousand dollars per pound, with our target of three million to buy the apartment building and convert it into a movie studio..." Kumar gestured at the blonde man in the sunglasses who was staring at her gape-mouthed, and she remembered their conversation where she told them bribery of the town council was not an option (after they had explained to her exactly what a bribe was.) "So we needed to get someone with connections who could be our front man. Now, we had planned to keep the source of the weed a secret for a while, but since you decided to pop in..."

"Perchance would you place upon the egress some formed indicational warning device which will prevent such negative consequence in coming time periods?" Twilight concentrated some more and felt the linguistics discriminator fall into place. "I mean, maybe you could hang a 'do not disturb' sign on the other side of the mirror so this won't happen again?" She looked at the three strangers. "Oh, sorry, I'm Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, ruler of Ponyville and a Co-Director of Equestrian Cannabis, Inc., with Harold and Kumar here. It is nice to meet you all. Since we're going to be working together, perhaps introductions would be in order?"

"Sure thing, Twilie," spoke Harold. "In order of social desirability, may I introduce our esteemed figurehead, Neil Patrick Harris.

Neil Patrick Harris stood, eyes wide. "Yes! I want to know the meaning of life! Take me with you!" Twilight was understandably nonplussed by this response.

"Silent Bob, who is on the marketing team..."

Silent Bob stared, still frozen in shock.

"... and... Jay."

Jay stood up and threw down a rap.

I was smokin' and a dealin' in a piece of shit dump,
when a purple unicorn with a star on her rump,
came from nowhere, starting talking, couldn't understand.
Thought maybe that she'd come here from another land,

Silent Bob started bobbing his head as Neil Patrick Harris made of himself a respectable human beat box, still staring at Twilight with zealous eyes .

Hallucinatin' like I'm trippin', man, this weed's the shit!
I think I'll eat a bag of chips and take another hit!
Silent Bob's a bitch but he can roll them bones,
If I'm smokin' snoochie poochies, I'll get good and stoned!

Silent Bob seemed to have a little bit of focus now and accepted that he was just hallucinating along with everyone else, or that perhaps he was hallucinating that everyone else was hallucinating. So he took Jay's advice and decided it was time to roll up another fattie. So he broke up more weed on the Playboy while Jay waited for his applause, Neil Patrick Harris waited for the unicorn mothership to take him away, Harold looked at Twilight apologetically and Kumar tried to stop from cracking up.

"So, these are our business partners?" Harold looked sheepish and Kumar turned purple trying to keep himself under control. "So... we're kind of dead, right?"

Kumar got himself under control. "Twilight, they think they're hallucinating. They think its more likely that they are all hallucinating the same thing than that you can be real. Except for Neil. But don't ask me to explain that please."

She looked thoughtful. "I suppose I should blend in, in case somepony, ah, someone else comes in. It could be a little difficult explaining an alicorn princess. I was practicing my human morph last week and I think I've got it pretty much down pat... but I need to take another close look at female faces. Remember that time I had Harold's face?" Kumar shuddered and nodded as Silent Bob finished rolling the joint. "Say, Silent Bob, can I see that magazine?"

Silent Bob nodded and turned it around so she could see the cover. Her horn glowed and the whole room was filled with purple light.

"Take me with you!" shouted Neil.

"Bitchin'!" yelled Jay.

Silent Bob stared silently as Twilight's wings and tail retracted into her body, she assumed an upright posture, her limbs lengthened, her chest developed perky pink-nippled breasts, her hips flared, her hooves split into fingers and toes, and her face remolded itself. Her lavender pigment lightened until she had the nordic complexion, bone structure and body type of Miss February, with colored bangs and blue eyes so dark that they looked purple. Her cutie mark remained on her toned hip as her horn gradually vanished. That, she couldn't morph, but she could make it invisible.

All five men stared. "What's wrong? Did I forget something again?" She stared at her fingers and flexed them experimentally.

Kumar smiled at her with a half leer. "A white girl after all, but for some reason I don't mind."

Jay stared, stood up, and started stripping. "Let's do this! It's gangbang time!" Twilight paled, blinked and lowered her forehead at him. There was a flash and a frog looked up from the table where Jay had been.

Neil continued to stare, wild eyed. "Cool! Can you make me a newt?"

"Um..." said Harold, "Twi... clothes?" Kumar slapped him on the back of the head, hard.

Silent Bob looked at Jay the frog for a second, chuckled, then stood and took off his jacket. Twilight lowered her forehead at him as well, but he held his hands up and stopped moving. He gingerly held the jacket out to her and she nodded, taking it and using it to cover herself, sniffing it first and finding that Silent Bob actually had decent hygiene and used normal amounts of semi-respectable aftershave.

"So, Silent Bob, you've accepted that I'm not an hallucination?" He smiled and looked down at Jay, who caught a passing fly and swallowed it. Then he shook his head and took his seat, chuckling and waving his fingers around trying to see trails. "OK, fine. Maybe it will work better this way. Let me see that marijuana tube." She levitated it to her mouth. "So, what is it you are supposed to do with this?"

Harold answered her, saying, "You light it sort of like a candle on one end and then inhale the smoke through the other end, but just a little. And we call it a joint, or a doobie, or a blunt, or..."

Kumar interrupted him, "Or a jay, a spliff, or a bone... there's a hundred words for it."

"That seems unnecessarily complicated." The joint ignited itself and she took a small puff and the breathed it right out. "Hmm... is that supposed to do something?"

"Try taking a little more, then breathe in clear air over it and hold your breath." She did so, holding her breath for about ten seconds, then releasing it.

"Oh. Oh..." She smiled. "Oh my goodness! What an intriguing sensation!" She started to giggle. "This is different than the brownie was! Much more immediate!"

Jay the frog ribbited at her. "No. You were a bad human. I should leave you like that."

"While that may be a good idea in principle, he's the salesman. It's not like Bob here is going to be singing the praises of the product." Kumar shrugged. "I'm pretty sure he's mute." Bob put his hand out flat and waggled it in the universal 'eh' sign.

"Alright then, but no more talk about gangbangs. Kumar told me what those are when he explained the porn magazine to me and it seems to me that they are totally unsanitary." She bowed her head and, after a purple flash, Jay was squatting on his chair. He stared at Twilight, stuck his tongue out and licked his eyeball.

"Oh sorry, let me fix that." There was a zap and Jay was feeling around himself with his hands.

The slacker stretched out. "Silent Bob yo, I swear, this is the craziest shit I've ever smoked. And my mouth tastes really weird." Silent Bob nodded.

"So what are you guys doing? Besides smoking up the profits, that is?" Twilight started looking at her fingers and waggled them around. "These things are so weird."

"We're weighing the product out into retail quantities." Harold took an eighth bag and showed her. "Its easier to be able to afford a small amount, and besides you don't need a lot of this to get high. If someone had a whole pound, it would get dry and stale before they could get even a quarter way through it."

"Hmm... I think maybe it would be more efficient to do that in Equestria rather than bring it over here in a large batch and then have to break it up with so few of you. Princess Celestia has given me the authority to do what needs to be done to keep the portal secret, so I think we can add a few full time pony employees to do the packaging once the new crop Applejack is cultivating comes in."
"When will that be?" Neil Patrick Harris seemed to come back to Earth at the mention of cultivation.

"Given the greenhouses we've been putting up and the accelerated curing we'll get in Zecora's new drying shed, we're looking at about twelve days. We should have another twenty for you by then." She looked at her long fingernails. "Seriously? These things are dragon talons. And painted red like they've been dipped in blood... lovely."

"Another twenty ounces? That's a looot of snooch!" Jay looked at the pile of eighth bags that had accumulated on the table and wondered how many days they'd selling this batch. "Say, where did that unicorn go?"

"Alicorn. Not twenty ounces; twenty pounds." The room went silent at Twilight's pronouncement.

Kumar recovered first. "We can't deal that much, Twilight. If we get caught with that much, we'd be looking at some hard time. That's serious weight."

"How would you get caught?" Twilight smiled lazily and wrinkled her nose at him. "The alicorn princess of friendship is on your side."

"Yeah, but I was thinking we'd be moving a pound every week when we were up to speed." Harold took a bag and shook it. "This sells for one twenty, we get one hundred and twenty eight to the pound, about fifteen thousand a week, half of which goes to the building fund. Call it four hundred grand a year. We can get our down payment and incorporation expenses in a year and then that's plenty to pay the mortgage on the building and pay it off in eight to ten years, say. But you're saying we have twenty pounds a... month?"

"It depends on how much you want. Like I said, Celestia said to do what was needed to secure the portal. If you want a hundred pounds a week, we can manage that, with intensive cultivation and expansion of the greenhouses. And some enchanted fertilizer." She smiled at that last one. "That's the earth ponies' real magic. They don't like to talk about it..."

Jay looked down at the weed on the table and his eyes grew enormously. "So what the purple unicorn who turned into a Playboy bunny is saying is that she can get us a hundy of this crazy primo shit, every fucking week, without having to cross any borders or nothin', from inside of this Arab and Chinese guyses mirror, and you guys are going to buy this apartment and turn it into a film studio?"

Harold wrote some numbers down on a notepad. "We can't retail that much, can we?" Jay and Silent Bob shook their heads no emphatically.

"Guys, I know I'm tripping, which is strange because I usually don't have such persistent hallucinations, but if we'd have to move that to the city and probably LA too, and wholesale it, probably get about eight grand a pound." Neil scratched his head. "We'd have to tell people we've got hydro set up somewhere, but if we do this for a couple of months, we can buy your apartment building, set up your company and have enough left over for mansions and yachts for everyone. I mean, there will be more risk because we have to ship it, but damn, even I think that's a lot of money and I'm practically Hollywood royalty." Bob game him a sidelong glance while Jay rubbed his hands together.

Kumar was nodding. "But how do we launder that much money that fast? Someone will notice, and if the DEA finds out about it, the government will know about the portal and then..." he shuddered.

Twilight smiled. "DEA is the Drug Enforcement Agency, right? There are no unicorns in this world? People don't know about magic?" She concentrated and a dozen of the bags on the table turned into oranges.

Jay shouted "No! What the fuck?"

"Wait a minute, Jay." Twilight looked at her fingernails and took another toke, deeper this time. "'Ere." She passed it to him clumsily.

Harold chuckled, "We have to teach you how to do the finger roll." Then there was a pop and the oranges turned back into rolled bags of pot. "Whoa! How long can you make that spell last?" Jay breathed a sigh of relief and inhaled sharply on the burning instrument of stonage.

She exhaled and sweet smelling smoke filled the air. "As long as you want. I can also make it so that you dispel it with a command word, but make it a word that won't come out in casual conversation."

Jay looked at her. "Smoochie poochies!"

She bowed her head and a bag transformed into a banana. "It has to be organic, but I can make it whatever you want."

He took up the banana and whispered "Smoochie poochies" to it. There was a flash and the ziplock bag sat in his palm. "Oh my God. We're going to be so fucking rich."

Chapter 13: Revelation!

Tappatappatappataptap.

Scroll scroll.

Click.

"Huh?"

Tappatapppataptaptap.

Click.

"This isn't possible!"

Tappatapppatappatapp.

Click.

"Harold! Kumar! Explain this!!" Twilight Sparkle's shriek woke up the apartment at an uncharacteristically early eight-o-clock.

The two friends stumbled into the den from their bedrooms and saw the worst possible thing.

Twilight Sparkle had figured out how to use Harold's laptop.

Kumar turned to Harold. "I thought you had a password on that, you stupid motherfucker!" Harold cringed.

Twilight Sparkle, in her human form as always when in the apartment stared in horror at images on the screen. "Fuckyoukumar wasn't very hard to guess considering it is your fourth most common utterance." Kumar stared death at his friend. "Since you two don't want me to leave the apartment, and I need to do some research on the portal, I thought Gee Twilight, remember how Harold used this thing to look up cultivation techniques a few days ago? So I used the google here and typed transdimensional portal and here is this cartoon drawing of me and this blue hedgehog character at the top of the screen." Harold clapped his hand to his forehead "So I said that's weird! I wonder if there are any more pictures of me. And guess what?" She turned the screen to face them and it was full of Twilight Sparkle.

Even in the black shorts and tee-shirt they had scrounged up for her, she was stunning. The look of utter incomprehension on her lovely face was slowly being displaced by panic.

"Twilight... maybe we should go to the other side so you can freak out over there." Harold went over to the mirror and opened it, revealing the pleasant night sky beyond. "Sound won't penetrate and you are going to be yelling."

She nodded dumbly and transformed into her alicorn form, walking out of the clothes. The apartment was much more habitable now that she had repeatedly zapped it with cleaning spells, but Equestria was much nicer than Earth after all and if she was going to have a meltdown, better to have it on her home turf anyway. The laptop floated behind her as she walked through the mirror, followed by the grubby and miserable duo.

A quick spell on the other side summoned a table and some easy chairs to the moonlit field. She sat down and moved the laptop to the table and leaned back. "I am calm. I am listening. Please, start explaining."

Kumar leaned over to the laptop. "It's easier to show you, I think." He opened up the dailymotion website and searched My Little Pony s1e1. Harold crossed his fingers.

Twilight Sparkle watched in utter silence, fascinated as the story of the two sisters was told. Then the scene changed and she saw a cartoon version of herself laying on grass as she had five years ago, talking to herself about the Elements of Harmony. To her credit, she didn't freak out, yell, or turn Harold and Kumar into flying oranges. She just fainted.

Twilight woke up in a bed to the smell of spices and fresh cut flowers. She heard voices downstairs. This is Zecora's tree! Twilight got out of the bed, arranged herself in the mirror on the wall, and went through the door. She looked down and saw Zecora and Harold sitting next to each other while Kumar sat with his head in his hands. "She'll be fine, Kumar. It was just the shock." Harold spoke in comforting tones. "It wasn't your fault."

"Yes, it was my fault! I said not to tell her, I said that it was better if she didn't know, and then I fucking showed her the cartoon without warming her up! We're lucky all she did was faint; you know how she is..."

"How am I, Kumar?" Twilight walked down the stairs calmly. "I was wondering how you two seemed to know so much about us. So, how am I? We spent some time together at a party, I visited your apartment three times, but you are acting like you know me very well indeed. So tell me, how am I?" While she spoke she walked walked down the stairs and stopped, standing in front of Kumar, who had gone pale and was trembling.

"Good-natured. Neurotic. Devoted to lists and schedules. Creative. Obsessive about details. Phenomenally intelligent. Prone to panic attacks. Gentle, kind and loving. Brave. Self-sacrificing. You absorb and correlate knowledge unlike anypony else. You have a warm and beautiful heart. And you are merciful and forgiving to your opponents and to your friends who have done wrong. Like me. I hope." Kumar looked miserable.

Twilight blushed crimson and looked down. "I don't know about all that, Kumar. I mean, 'a warm and beautiful heart' sounds like a fairly subjective judgement. And I'm not 'phenomenally intelligent.' Or all that brave, I spend a lot of time worrying for a brave pony. Neurotic, yeah I'll own up to that, but I mean, gee whiz..." She scraped the ground bashfully with her hoof. "And sure, you're still my friend, but," she cleared her throat, "the question is, upon what do you base all of those opinions?"

Harold looked at Zecora.

You highness, humans it would seem
have seen us as though through a dream.
They watch us come and watch us go,
they watch our lives on a TV show.

"People don't know it's real. They think it's a fictional television show. Its like a play and you are all characters." Harold spoke quietly but clearly. "The actors are human beings speaking your voices and the action is drawn by computer animators. When we opened the portal, it was by accident, but we wanted to be able to go to Equestria because of what we had seen on the television show."

Twilight nodded and didn't say anything for a while, just absorbing all of that information. Then she spoke. "How could this be a coincidence? How could someone on Earth know about Equestria? About us as individuals? How... how accurate are the stories?"

"We have no way of knowing, do we? I suppose only ponies who have actually lived through these events could tell us."

"Then perhaps I should watch this show. Can we watch it on your computer?"

Kumar reached into the black knapsack and pulled out three DVD cases. "We have the first three seasons here." He placed them on the table.

"Oh my gosh, what's wrong with us in this picture? We all look like we are on different drugs. The only one that looks normal is Angel. Look at my smile!" Twilight held up the DVD, opened her eyes as wide as she could and did her best to imitate the vacuous, open mouthed smile on the cover of the season one case.

Kumar and Harold were rolling on the floor helplessly while Zecora made bleating zebra noises. When he was able to stand, Harold showed Twilight how to open the DVD drive and the show started. Actually the commercials started. "Whoa. Hey, what is THAT? Toys? Of us? Is that Princess Celestia? WHY IS SHE PINK?" It took twenty minutes just to get through the commercials with Twilight alternately asking questions, making fun of ridiculous toys and laughing uncontrollably. Zecora was beside herself as well.

"So the whole point of this show is to sell these toys to little girls? And you guys are watching it? What's up with that anyway?"

"Don't be a hater." Kumar reached into his pocket. "I have a suggestion." He pulled out a jay of Equestria's finest. "Perhaps this will help you understand the appeal."

Twilight looked at Zecora, smiled and shrugged. "For research purposes."

As the vapors filled their lungs and the room, Twilight Sparkle settled in to watch ponies with her friends. She frequently interrupted the show with comments like "it wasn't really like that," "they skipped over about ten intermediate events" and "Spike drank that punch? No wonder he was wearing that lampshade!" When they got to the part with Nightmare Moon though, Twilight got very quiet. She watched the rest of the second episode in near silence, nodding at some points and shaking her head at others. Finally, after the Elements of Harmony cast the nightmare spirit out of Luna and she was reconciled with Celestia, Twilight stood up and ran off, crying. Harold nudged Zecora who nodded and chased after her.

The two men looked at each other quietly, the Harold broke the silence. "Well, that wasn't quite what I expected."

"Me either." They sat in quietly, wondering what Zecora and Twilight must be talking about for almost ten minutes. Finally, the alicorn and zebra walked back out of Zecora's bedroom. Twilight's eyes were puffy and Zecora still had moisture under her eyes.

"I'm sorry I freaked out there guys, but that was... well, it was very close to what actually happened. Cleaned up a bit, edited so that kids could watch it, I think. For example, in the ghoultree forest, they didn't show the horrible illusions that the trees were displaying... like me seeing my father stabbing my mother to death or Pinkie seeing her sisters buried in a landslide. That damned forest wasn't spooky, it was horrifying."

She sat down on the couch while Zecora joined Harold on the loveseat and leaned against him. "It was too much, all those memories flooding back at once. But what really hurt was seeing Luna and Celestia reconcile like that." Tears started to flow down Twilight's cheeks again as she looked at Kumar. "It was one of the most beautiful and intimate moments I've ever seen. It was just me and my best friends, with whom I had just had soul-to-soul contact I might add, and we saw a thousand-year reconciliation between the two most powerful ponies in Equestria. The triumph of love and family over jealousy and shame. When we drove out the Nightmare, we saw Luna's soul as it was freed of that thing, and she was so full of overwhelming guilt, she nearly destroyed herself on the spot."

Her tears were flowing freely again, but her voice remained strong. "She still has some pretty severe control issues. Imagine not being in control of yourself for a thousand years."

Kumar smiled wryly at that. "Yeah, I've experienced her control issues myself."

Twilight wiped her eyes. "Don't be fooled. She can be very easily hurt, so please Kumar, be careful with her." He nodded seriously. "But what really gets me is that moment, a moment that changed my life forever and taught me how to forgive, that frankly shames me every time I consider not forgiving somepony for something I imagine they've done wrong, that tender, life-altering event has been put on a television screen and used to sell toys. I feel... violated. I feel that Celestia and Luna especially have had their privacy stolen and sold." She looked unhappily at Kumar and Harold as comprehension dawned on their faces.

"Oh God." Kumar covered his mouth with his hand.

"Twilight, I'm so sorry. I never looked at it that way." Harold leaned forward, holding Zecora's hoof.

"It isn't your fault, guys. You didn't know, you just thought we were cartoons. But somepony obviously does know our story and somehow they are getting that information to the writers of that show. And that means one thing to me."

She put her hooves together in front of her and leaned her chin on them pensively.

"There is another portal."

Chapter 15: Free Enterprise

Ben was more than happy to invest in the ECI Studios after Twilight Sparkle explained the disastrous consequences that would follow the discovery and subsequent closure of the portal. During several weeks of conversation, negotiation, and stonification, he also came up with the idea of setting up a specialty fruit basket company to ship the product through the mail so they wouldn't have to rely on the Harris Express to carry the goods cross country. He brought up one other, rather significant point.

"You guys are going to have to actually have to make movies, you realize." He cocked his head and raised his eyebrow, raising a glass of 30 year old single malt to Twilight Sparkle, who sat across from him in the small business office they had rented in West Hollywood.

"How hard could it be?" She clinked his glass with hers and sipped. Her eyes widened and she smiled as the Isle of Jura filled her sinuses and coated her throat with sophisticated notes of vanilla, oranges, cardamom and prunes. She didn't say anything right away, savoring the complex flavors that rolled through changes as the aromatics precipitated and the warmth spread down into her chest. "Oh, this, Ben... this is splendid. I could definitely see this as being part of our little cultural exchange package." She grinned at him, dressed in a normal human version of her Equestria Girls body, wearing a navy blue business skirt suit.

"Well, as far as that goes, there are plenty of reasons to ship expensive liquor to a film studio, as well as computers, solar panels, and transmission equipment, but not very large quantities. And some of that stuff is export controlled. While customs isn't going to notice a few laptops going over, that Watson you're lusting after is going to have to wait."

She made a moue. "Oh well, we're going to have to make computers that ponies can use with hooves, anyway. And the Great Compact isn't going to automagically translate electronic communications, so we're going to need to localize everything. It's lucky so many games have already been ponified though; it's almost like some humans were getting ready for the market."

"I'm not so sure I'd call bronies humans, Twilight. I know John de Lancie, and he has some real horror stories."

"Oh, you should have seen what happened when our Friendship Journal got published. Humans and ponies aren't all that different. Most of them are normal, and some of them write fan fiction." She giggled, thinking about some of the Daring Do stories Dash had shown her.

"Well, thank God there's no loser brony writing fanfiction about me," Ben said, swallowing the rest of his whiskey. "But seriously, you can't have the supercomputer. The NSA tracks that sort of thing."

"Well, can I get a stepper at least?" She dimpled at him. "Then I'll make my own."

"I'm not sure what that is, but if you can make a computer with it, I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen either." He put down the glass. "It's risky enough that we're exporting the Equestrian agricultural products and thinking about importing small volumes of human manufactured products. The only way this works is if nobody notices that it's all passing through Cherry Hill. Bottles of whiskey, nobody is going to know about. Super computers and exotic ceramic composites just going to Cherry Hill and vanishing, that, someone is going to notice. And you know, eventually, this is all going to come out. I mean, too many people already know. And some of them are real idiots."

"Of course. I just hope when it does come, Equestria will be in a position to be be able to deal with Earth without blowing up Cherry Hill. I'm becoming rather fond of humans, even the idiots." Her smile vanished and she looked down at the rest of the fine scotch, knocking it back in a single swig before standing. "And speaking of idiots, I have to get back to Jersey."

"Going so soon?" Ben stood and held his arms out, and she responded by walking forward to give him a warm hug and a kiss on one cheek.

"Yes, we're in mid-demo at the building; we are still finalizing the buyouts some of the residents, and I want to make sure everyone is being taken care of properly, getting their expenses taken care of, making sure their new apartments are up to snuff, that sort of thing. The Princess of Friendship should be on the spot when the friendship problems go down."

He hugged her back and looked into her eyes. "Now remember, in six weeks, I'm going to be there with the girls and we're having our little mini-vacation in Equestria, and I really don't want there to be any drugs or stoners around when we get there. If they tell Jennifer about ponies, she'll laugh and think I took them to a theme party or something, but if they tell her about Uncle Neil and the magical bong or some shit, she'll have me killed and make it look like an accident, and I'm not sure I'm joking."

"Don't worry Ben. Everything will be Safe for Woona, as they say." She backed away, took out her phone and called the Cherry Hill office. "Sparkle to Enterprise. Beam me up, Harold."

"Actually, Twilight, you sort of beam yourself up."

She rolled her eyes. "Star Trek is literally the best thing about this planet, Harold, so play along and beam me up."

"Energizing, Captain."

She checked her phone app to make sure she had destination lock on, pushed a button she had just added that made the official Desilu transporter sound effect, waved at Ben, who waved back, and vanished in an unnecessarily sparkly column of light.

She appeared in the inner sanctum of ECI Studios, the room that had previously been Harold and Kumar's fifth floor two bedroom, but which had been converted, along with half of the fifth and sixth floors, into a high security facility, including two vault doors, steel reinforced walls and floors, security cameras, biometric measuring systems and a state-of-the-art nitrogen gas fire suppression system. She stepped off the plywood platform that covered the receiver's focusing array, and frowned at Harold. "Won't you wear the uniform I got you, please?"

Harold scowled. "I appreciate a good cosplay as much as the next geek, Twilight, but I'm not wearing a red shirt."

"Oh well." She shrugged. "I guess that's understandable." She concentrated and the business suit melted away, revealing her nude form which was, if not that of the sex machine, Miss February, still quite lovely, fit and distracting. "Clothes are such a hassle, don't you think?"

"Twi," choked Harold, "please put some clothes on, or go into alicorn form, or something!"

"Why does it always have to be sex, sex, sex all the time with you humans? It's just skin; we all have it. Anyway, we have perfect climate control in here. Why wrap yourself up so your skin can't breathe and you always feel bits of cloth and elastic tugging at you?" She held her arms out and spun around, relishing the freedom. "We should have an office party on a nude beach in Italy or something. Wouldn't that be fun?"

"And see all my co-workers naked and ashamed? Actually, that would be kind of fun. But I really don't think it's a good idea. Please, Twilight..."

"Do you want to mate with me, Harold? I mean, your sexual response is obvi..."

"OK! I'll wear the uniform!"

She jumped up and down with excitement, her breasts momentarily bouncing in syncopation until the uniform shirt of an original series Starfleet captain grew over them. Harold smoothed the front of his black uniform pants as best he could.

"Status report, Commander Lee."

"Aye aye, Captain Cocktease. All the residents have taken our very generous buyout offer except for the mean old lady in 4D. We upped the offer to a cool quarter million cash and a relocation to Hoboken, rent-free for three years, and she still threw us out. She was mad."

"Maybe I should just go speak with her." Twilight turned to go, and Harold cleared his throat.

"You sure about that, Captain? What's your plan? A lecture? An appeal to logic?"

She stopped and turned back, a disappointed look on her face. "Do you think a song would work?"

"I think teleporting her into space on maximum disperse setting might do the trick." He fiddled with the prop levers and knobs on the console.

"Let's save that for a last resort. The rest of the crew should be here any minute; we can have a conference and hopefully decide on how to overcome this little friendship problem."

The outer vault door opened and Kumar walked through, wearing jeans and a tee shirt. "What up, nerds?"

"Captain Sparkle, Lieutenant Commander Patel is out of uniform!"

Kumar scowled. "Hey, how come you get to be a commander and I'm only a lieutenant commander? That's some bullshit!"

"Who's the nerd now?" Harold waved his red sleeve with two wavy gold stripes at Kumar as his jeans and tee shirt morphed into a blue shirt with black polyester slacks.

"Whatever. Science is cooler than engineering anyway, isn't it Captain?"

"That opinion is correct, Science Officer Patel. Prepare to repel boarders. Or serve them drinks, depending. Either way, set phasers on fun. Lock the outer door, Mr. Lee."

One of the few functioning buttons on the board clicked. "Door secure, Captain." Kumar rolled his eyes.

"Activate deflectors!" Harold pushed another button, charging the Faraday cage that would prevent electronic eavesdropping from outside of the secure area. Kumar felt the hair on his neck go up, but knew it was safe. Twi had told him so. So it had to be safe. Right?

"Mr. Patel, scan the portal for life signs."

Kumar sighed, pressed his thumb into the reader on the inner vault door and waited for a click. Then he pulled out a flashlight, pulled the vault door open, and flashed his light through the portal into the darkness beyond. "Umm... no lifesigns, Captain."

"Really? They're running-"

A door in the building that had been put up to enclose the Equestria side of the portal opened and moonlight flooded the chamber; quadruped silhouettes entered to fill the room.

"-late. Permission to board, granted."

Kumar smiled and backed up, waving them in. The ponies entered the portal, one at a time.

First, Rainbow Dash flew in, landed on all fours in what she assumed was a dramatic pose, and looked around. "Cosplay? Oh! Can I be that Lara Croft character? She's aaawsooome!" she sang at the end.

Rarity followed, looking around at the freshly painted white walls and floor of the large space, and glancing at the windows with white rolldown blinds shut. "Oh! It's certainly... antiseptic!"

"It's an improvement, believe me!" Twilight grinned and hugged both Dashie and Rarity to her.

Next came Applejack. "Tarnation! Ah wuz expectin' some kinda shock or sumthin! Howdy y'all!" She was howdy'd back by all.

Pinkie Pie barrelled into Kumar and knocked him down. "Kumar! I haven't seen you in forever!"

"It's been a week, Pinkie." He sat up and gave her a cuddle. "I've missed you too, you lunatic. Speaking of Luna, how is she?"

"She said to tell you that next time she sees you, you're going to be going where no man has gone before, whatever that means. Or did she say she was going to be going where no man had gone before? Something like that." She kissed the now apprehensive Kumar on the cheek and bounded off to the snuggle pile forming around Twilight.

The last to enter was Fluttershy. She helped Kumar to his feet, then gently walked to Harold.

"Hi Fluttershy! How's Zecora?"

"She said to tell you she's all alone in the tree and she misses you."

Harold's face fell and he turned to look at Twilight. "You have a 48 hour pass, Commander Lee. We'll muddle through; enjoy your shore leave."

"You are the finest officer in Starfleet, Captain Sparkle! Bye ladies!"

"Uh Captain... any chance I can get a pass too?" Kumar gave her his best puppy dog eyes.

"Sorry Mr. Patel, I can't spare both of my bridge officers, not when my crew here is stranded on an alien world. Kindly secure the portal and then we'll equip our away party." Harold shrugged at Kumar and scampered through the portal.

"Ooh! An away party? Is that like a going away party but you've already gone away?" Pinkie appeared fascinated by the prospect of a type of party she didn't recognize, reached into her hair and pulled out a pad and pencil, ready to take notes.

"Not exactly. First, let's get transformed so we'll blend in with the natives. You all read the briefing, right?"

Fluttershy and Rarity nodded, Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked at each other and thought, what briefing? and Pinkie Pie stuck her tongue out of her mouth, concentrating on her doodling.

Twilight sighed. "Alright, just try to keep your balance at first, it's a little tricky." Her horn became visible on her forehead and a large nimbus glowed purple over the ponies, lifting them into the air, light shining from them as their shimmering forms distorted, causing Kumar to squint. He looked over at Twilight, and her eyes were glowing, her hair streaming, and her body levitating along with the others. There was a set of musical harmonic tones that threatened to overwhelm his hearing but then quieted down to something bearable, as the light faded and everyone softly floated to the ground. Every one of them, humanized, confused, and naked.

Author's Note

I know I'm a terrible person waiting this long to finish and you can all downvote me in fits of righteous indignation.

Chapter 16: The Naked and the Bred

Celestia had stationed guards outside of the Cliffside Complex, so when Harold came out the door in his Star Trek uniform, he was stopped. When one of the unicorns shone a light with his horn, they recognized and greeted him. "Any chance I can get an escort to Zecora's Tree?" he asked.

"You mean inside the forest? At night?" The guard lieutenant laughed. "I don't think any of my soldiers are stupid enough for that, Harold Lee. You probably want to wait a few hours until sunrise. Then we'll take you."

Harold sighed, then looked up as Princess Luna was swooping down from the sky. The lieutenant called his guards to attention and snapped off a crisp salute that she returned with a wingtip. "Harold! It is good to see thee! Tell us, doth Kumar also plan to sally forth?"

"Oh, hello, your highness!" He bowed properly. "I'm sorry, he asked to come but I asked first and Twilight could only let one of us go."

Her face fell, but she her eyes still smiled. "But he did ask to come see us?"

"He was very disappointed that he could not."

"Then we must see him! Ah, but Harold, why hast thou not... oh. The night in the Everfree is full of terrors, yes. Fear not, we shall wing thee to thy beloved. Alight upon our back, good human; we will bear thy weight."

Harold had never ridden a horse before, much less bareback, much less flew on one, at night, but he didn't hesitate. He leapt up on her back, tucked his knees behind her wings, then leaned forward, putting his head on her neck. "I'm ready, your highness!"

"Harold, we will hold thee fast with magic, thou mayest sit up and enjoy the ride."

"Oh!" He sat up and she plunged powerfully with her wings while her horn glowed and his legs and lower back were embraced by her power. It was exhilarating, and terrifying as the ground fell almost silently away, the only lights in the world, the moon, stars, and the soft blue glow of magic. Even that fantastic ride in the chariot paled in comparison to the ecstasy of freedom he felt as the stars surrounded him and the moon painted the landscape with a faint silver brush. "This is amazing! The night is so beautiful!"

Luna was silent for a moment. "Thank you, Harold. Dost thou... do you mean that?" She turned and looked at him over her shoulder, the deep space of her mane making it seem like she was peeking around a corner of the universe. He could see in the light of her sorcery that her eyes were soft; she seemed somehow vulnerable, even though she carried him like he was a baby.

"It is magnificent, Princess Luna. It's privilege to see your world like this." He smiled, looking into her eyes, then looked up and all around, trying to take it all in. "It's like swimming in a sea of diamonds."

"Harold! You are a bit of a poet! Kumar would never say something like that!" Her smile was radiant.

"What would he say, Princess?"

"He'd say, 'Slap my ass and tell me I've been naughty!'" They both laughed as she slowed and spiraled into a clearing where warm light from the windows of Zecora's tree painted the floor of the forest a flickering copper.

"Well, your highness, have you ever taken him flying at night?"

She landed, and released him from the magical hold. "No, and I'd like you to call me Luna from now on, Harold. You're a good friend. Perhaps tonight when I see him, I'll offer him a different sort of nocturnal diversion."

"Well, I wouldn't want to be a cockblocker, mind you, Princess Luna."

She laughed out loud at that. "You wouldn't necessarily be. Tell me, what do you know of the mating habits of thestr... Oh! 'Tis Zecora!"

The zebra heard them come down and rushed out the door.

Harold, you're here! My love's arrived.
Princess, my thanks you have for this!
An Everfree night, and you survived!
Embrace me my love; your lips I'll kiss!

Harold swept her into his arms and kissed her deeply, running his fingers through her mane, as Luna backed away, smiling, and launched herself into the night.

When he broke the kiss, Harold asked, "Why didn't you just come with the other girls if you wanted to see me."

Zecora reached her hoof to stroke Harold's cheek.

I've missed you so my sweet,
I would have come my love, I swear,
to kiss your hands and feet,
but for the burden that I bear.

"What? Does this have something to do with your curse?"

I'll not cross over, 'til I know,
if danger there will be,
to that which in me now does grow,
the child of you and me.

***

Flesh. Five girls worth of naked, nubile, supple deliciousness, all jiggly, and off-balance, punctuated by knees, elbows and shocked expressions.

One human girl stood right before Kumar; a slender, willowy Asian with sapphire curls and eyes to match, sporting cheekbones that fashion magazines would go to war over. She waved her arms and looked like she was about to topple, her small breasts moving in counterpoint to the rest of her fair and apparently waxed torso. Next to her stood a compact, small-breasted Hispanic gymnast with a shock of rainbow colored hair; make that two shocks. She was looking with something like disgust at her hands and trying to flex her shoulders. Behind them, loomed a broad-shouldered, corn-fed, tanned, freckled, All-American blonde Amazon, staring her own magnificent coral-nippled breasts in astonishment. A crazed, freckled Irish girl with really big hot pink hair reeled through the crowd as she tried to gain her balance, nearly tripping over the last, a dusky young woman who squatted on the floor, blushing furiously and covering herself with her long, light violet hair, green eyes looking out from an exotic face that could be African, or maybe Arabic. No Indians? Really Twilight?

Kumar wasn't really complaining. He had never seen this many naked women in one place at one time, at least not in real life, and he was drinking in the view. The Asian girl started to topple, so he reached out to catch her as she shrieked in a high-pitched wail.

"Rarity! Are you alright?"

"Oh, thank you dah-LIIING!" Pinkie Pie had doubled back and this time tripped over the terrified Fluttershy, cartwheeled into Applejack with a wheeeee, causing the top-heavy six footer to lose her balance, stumble into Rainbow Dash who was pointlessly trying to fly up out of this mess, resulting in her caroming into Rarity. A silence settled over the room, with Kumar finding himself at the bottom of a pile of naked, beautiful, dazed and confused girls.

Rarity was straddling him; she moaned, though it was from the weight of all the others pressing down on them, not to any arousal. He hoped. Sort of. She opened her eyes and looked at him, then smiled. "Oh! Hello Kumar." The mass above her squirmed, causing her to rub up and down and down, her nude body pressed against his form fitting Starfleet issued polyester. "Oh! Oh, goodness! I didn't read about this in the briefing!"

Kumar was sweating bullets, simultaneously crushed, aroused and uncomfortable with the sight of his pony friends suddenly transformed into a host of sex objects that would be suitable for the masturbatory fantasies of the most degenerate consumers of fan fiction. Then again, that was also the case before their transformation.

Pinkie rolled out of the writhing mass and wound up kneeling next to Kumar's head. She grinned like mad and looked down at her medium-sized, firm white breasts. "Oooh! What are these for?" she asked as she plucked and twiddled her pink nipples with her fingers.

"Pinkie! Not helping!" Kumar tore his eyes from the sight, his eyes landing on Rarity, as her face was only about six inches away from his. Her cheeks had reddened and her eyes were unfocused. "Rarity! Are you alright?"

"Kumar, the fabric of this costume is utterly atrocious."

"It's polyester, Rarity, just like the original series. Twilight insisted on authenticity."

Her lips twisted in a sneer. "You must remove it at once! I will not tolerate such an authentic atrocity in my presence! These must be re-done en soie! Gah! These stripes aren't even lamé! Is this actually glitter?"

"Rarity, I'm not taking my clothes off!"

"Oh darling, I see the problem. You're trapped! But the unacceptable fabric of these trousers is touching the delicate skin of my inner thighs, and that will..." Her forehead lit up where her invisible horn was glowing white. "Simply." She glared at the offending blue and the synthetic fabric started to disintegrate. "Not." She lowered her gaze to his pants as his eyes begged her to stop. "Do." The black cloth was annihilated.

Twilight walked through the stumbling, writhing, naked mass, clipboard at the ready. "Rarity? Are you mating with Kumar?"

"I don't think so. But apparently, that was not something in his pocket after all."

"Oh, then perhaps this is a good opportunity. He's receptive and I've been hoping to observe human mating behavior directly. Other than Jay mastrubating. I have a more than sufficient sample of that particular subject. But I get the impression that the scenarios portrayed on internet websites are not realistic depictions. So in the interest of science, would you?"

"Well, I mean, if it's for science, darling..."

"This is NOT realistic!" screamed Kumar.

***

Harold looked up at Zecora as she cradled his head in her forelegs, stroking his hair. "Oh, hey Zee! I just had the craziest dream. I was cosplaying Star Trek with Twilight Sparkle, then Luna took me on this mind blowing night flight, and then you told me you were pregnant with our child."

He looked down at his Starfleet uniform, screamed, and fainted again.

***

An instant before the Least Worst Possible Thing happened to Kumar, the writhing pile of bodies glowed a deep midnight blue and the naked girls were lifted off and moved to the side, revealing princess Luna, recently arrived and untransformed. She scowled at Rarity and Kumar.

"FORSOOTH! WHAT PASSETH HERE? HAST THOU NO SHAME!?" The Royal Canterlot Voice reverberated in the room, buffeting all and sundry with the heat of righteous indignation.

Rarity was the first to recover. She turned and dimpled at Luna, still straddling Kumar. "Princess Luna, how delightful to see you! You see, Kumar here had the most ghastly ensemble-"

"SILENCE, THOU SLATTERN!"

"Luna, this isn't what it looks like!" Kumar tried to wiggle his way out from under Rarity but only managed to make her giggle.

" PRINCESS TWILIGHT? WHAT DOTH THIS LOOK LIKE?"

"Oh! Well you see Luna, I have been conducting a study of human internet pornography, and I wanted Rarity and Kumar to act as part of the control samp-"

"ENOUGH!!!" Luna's mane waved in the ethereal breeze, her eyes glowing white hot. "KUMAR! YOU HAVE BEEN A VERY, VERY BAD COLT!"

"Ye-ye-yes... mistress?"

The outraged princess glowed and her body contorted, her face flattening, her posture growing more erect, her skin darkening to midnight. Bat wings flared from her shoulderblades as she ground white teeth equipped with gleaming canines. Slitted eyes narrowed in rage as forked red tongue licked the royal lips. "YOU HAVE BEEN NAUGHTY!"

Rarity attempted to scuttle away as the rest of the girls shivered, with the exception of Twilight who was furiously taking notes.

"YOU! FASHION WENCH! ADORN US APPROPRIATELY!"

Rarity perked up as her forehead glowed, the darkness of spacetime itself stretching into fabrics that seemed to drink in all light and warmth as they covered the resplendent pre-reform Luna with bustier, thigh high stiletto boots and a peaked cap decorated with a silver crescent moon. Panties seemingly made from interstellar gas formed and the outfit was finished with silver and deep blue accents. The final accessory, a riding crop, materialized in her fingers as she slapped it across her palm.

"MIRROR!"

"Of course, your highness!" Rarity concentrated and a mirror detached itself from the wall.

It floated over to Luna. She smiled, made some faces, and turned to examine her buttocks. "Oh, very nice Rarity. Could you put Kumar in something nice? And, um... you too? Twilight, do you happen to have a sexy dungeon?"

"A sexy dungeon... no?" She frowned as kinky couture magic swirled around Rarity and the hapless Kumar. "An oversight. We'll have one put in during phase two. But we have the Captain's Quarters!" She pointed at a sliding door. "I mean, it's really more like a library, I guess."

"IT WILL HAVE TO DO! COME, SLAVES! ATTEND YOUR QUEEN! You too, Twilight, in case you want to take notes." Luna walked away imperiously, followed by Rarity in a white latex bodysuit decorated with precious gems. She led a fully gimped-out Kumar on a leash as he crawled behind, bemoaning his horrible fate.

Twilight bounced to the console in the throes of a research-driven endorphin rush, and pushed a button, which activated a screen on the wall. It showed a library with a bed in the middle of it. "In case you guys want to take notes!" Then she bounced back and caught up with the other three.

Rarity turned and her head glowed. Twilight's Captain's uniform disintegrated and was replaced with a sexy nurse outfit.

Twilight gasped, clutching her clipboard to her overexposed bosom. "Hey! I'm not in Medical branch, I'm in Command!"

Luna turned and smiled beatifically. "You're not in Command, Twilight. Be a good girl and get the door."

***

"How is this even possible? I mean, I'm in love with you, obviously, but I'm so confused!"

I knew not that humans and zebras could breed.
In the making of potions, a shaman's so knowledgy,
but somehow, within me, our love's taken seed.
For the magic of friendship confounds all biology.

Harold sat up and put his arms around her, and they sat within her sweet-smelling tree, content and happy.

***

Rainbow Dash stared at the screen in horror. Applejack winced. Fluttershy had found some drapes to cover herself, and cowered on the floor, covering her face with her hands. And occasionally peeking between her fingers.

Pinkie grinned from ear to ear and put a plate of snacks on the console. "Oooh! I didn't realize Luna was so inventive!"

Rainbow Dash and Applejack both glared at her, then returned their eyes to the screen, unable to tear themselves away from the depraved scene. A blue-black flash lit up their faces. "What in tarnation?!" Applejack's mouth hung open while Rainbow Dash covered her own.

Fluttershy whispered something, causing Applejack to turn. "You say somethin', sugarcube?"

"I've been watching some human anime, and that's called futa." She cringed as screaming came through the screen speaker. "Why won't he say his safe word?"

"What's a safe word?" AJ scratched her head.

There were two more flashes. "What the?!" Rainbow Dash shivered. "I'll never be able to unsee this!"

There was another cry of despair, and Pinkie grinned widely. "Oo-wooh! So that's how you fit three penises inside! But I don't think that's a vagina!"

Chapter 5: Treeguests

Zecora showed the two friends inside of the great tree, which was hung throughout with bottles, jars and jugs. A dreamcatcher hung on the inside of the front door. Her workshop took up the entire first floor, except where she had her bed in an alcove on the side and a staircase on the circular wall that circled up to a second floor. Harold and Kumar stared at all the bottles and jars that lined the shelves and workbenches. A cauldron sat upon a hearth in the center, though there seemed to be no chimney to vent the smoke that from any fire that would be lit. There was more light inside than could be explained by the few small windows letting in the green tinted light under the heavy canopy of the forest but no other light sources were visible.

Unknown and exotic herbs hung in strands from hooks on the ceiling and the place smelled... well... it was hard to identify. It seemed to smell somewhat different on every breath, as though the odors retained their distinctiveness instead of combining into a melange. Kumar stared up and down at the center of the tree, and saw the heartwood on both floor and ceiling.

"Zecora, how does this tree survive with so much wood taken from the center? The heartwood is the central support. This tree should collapse under its own weight." Kumar stared at the ceiling again. "The ceiling isn't rotted or cracked. All the wood in the ceiling should be dead." Zecora looked around her home.

Supported by life and nourished by love,
The magic mates roots to the leaves above.

"The tree lives as long as it is lived in?" Zecora nodded in response to Harold's question. "That's amazing."

"Well Harold, this is fucking Equestria. Everything is amazing." Kumar walked around looking at all the drying herbs and odd ingredients. A glass jar with the preserved remains of a fish sat on a shelf and he stared at it. The fish opened its eyes and looked back. "Shit!"

My ignorance, I must admit;
What mean those words, both "fuck" and "shit?"

Kumar and Harold both stared at each other, then pointed and simultaneously started yelling at each other.

"Your fault!" Kumar yelled.

"Kumar, how could you!?"

"Cursing in front of Zecora? What the fuck Harold!?"

"You've corrupted something innocent and wonderful!" Harold pointed again. "You!"

"God fucking dammit!" Kumar shook his fist at Harold. Zecora's head swung back and forth in amazement at each accusation.

You fight so in front of me?
Why would you so angry be?

Harold sat down heavily at the central table. "Shit means feces. Sometimes when humans get excited, or upset, or angry, or just to add emphasis, that word sort of comes out. It really isn't something we should say. Neither is the other word." Zecora covered her mouth with her hoof and blushed.

Harold looked at him with contempt. "Way to take the easy one, buddy." He closed his eyes, "The other word is used in a similar way. It means... fuck means to have sex." Zecora's eyes bugged out as she practically burned red.

That's rude and crude and gives offense,
on top of which, it makes no sense!

"Well, yeah, I guess it is sort of a colloquialism." Kumar looked over at Harold. "We're guys. We're friends. It's fun to give each other sh... um... a hard time."

"Yeah it's just something we do. Lots of humans do. Sorry, we'll try to tone it down in polite company. We aren't in polite company a lot. Our, um, country isn't as magical as yours is." Harold gave her a lopsided grin.

Zecora shook her head and took off her saddle bags. She went over to a set of wicker drawers on a stand made of bamboo and started emptying the paper bags into them. The smell of the pot filled the room, mixing and yet not mixing with all the other smells. She took a wooden spoon and poked at the sticks, ensuring that air would be able to get all around the buds.

"Zecora, we need to trim off the fan leaves first." Kumar walked next to her and looked into the bins at the dozens of buds. "If they shrivel up and get into the buds, it will make it harsh." He reached into one of the bins and pulled out a bud.

Your hooves look very strange to me,
What are those tubes supposed to be?

Kumar waggled his digits. "Fingers. How do you pick things up with hooves, anyway?"

She showed him the sole of her hoof, and he saw the pad ripple as she flexed multiple small muscles and passed the stick of one of the buds from one end to the other, almost like someone walking a coin. "OK, that's a little creepy."

You think those pinching segmented worms of yours
are any less creepy to those on all fours?

"Yeah but, I can do something you can't!" Kumar looked at Harold and slowly extended his middle finger.

"Kumar! What did we just say?" Harold frowned in disapproval.

"Oh, sh... oot. Sorry, I forgot." He looked at Zecora. "Don't ask."

She rolled her eyes.

Kumar showed her the fan leaves and then the three of them trimmed the buds, disposing of the large fan leaves. The smaller leaves inside the buds were also trimmed, but Kumar said they should be saved. "Other forms of the medicine can be made by them, like hashish." When they were left, they had almost a pound and a half of trimmed buds.

"This is great!" Harold was looking over the final product. "Can we, um, test it out?"

"Not until it's dried, Harold. It won't smoke right and it will be harsh if we jump the gun. And this is going to be wonderful. First rate."

"Well then, how about the indica?"

Kumar thought for a bit. "You know what? I think I just want to wait. I don't feel any need for that here. I don't want to get stoned; we're in a new world. Let's just use that when we go back home and everything sucks again. Zecora, thanks for your help. There's so much to see here though; can we go out?"

The bright sun will be going down soon;
it is not safe here under the moon.
Why do not you both stay the night?
Tomorrow you can see the sights.

She showed them upstairs where she had a guestroom. The single bed in the guestroom was woefully small and the ceiling of the upper floor was cramped compared to downstairs where long strings of dried herbs hung from the ceiling. "We could sleep on the floor in our sleeping bags." Harold indicated spaces at the side and foot of the bed.

Kumar nodded, looking around at the decorations on the walls. There were wood carvings of zebras, lions and giraffes, tapestries with landscapes of mountains, forests and grasslands, candles carved with tribal markings... all in all the interior of the room was exotic, but tasteful. Some of the thick scent from downstairs filtered up, but it was almost like herbs and cedar. "This is a very nice room. Thank you."

Zecora bade them goodnight and went into the adjoining room. Harold and Kumar unwrapped their sleeping bags and laid themselves out. Kumar fell asleep immediately and started snoring quietly, but Harold stayed awake, thoughts of Equestria running through his imagination. He watched as the silver rays of moonlight peeked through the small window and painted the tapestries in an ethereal light. Then something started to bother him. "Uh oh." Harold sat up.

Kumar woke and looked up from his spot. "What is it?"

"I have to pee."

"Congratulations, you're going to be the first human to urinate in Equestria." Kumar laid back down and rolled over.

"Dude, where's the bathroom?"

"I don't know. This is a tree, go out the door."

Harold got up, banged his head on the ceiling, covered his mouth to keep from cussing and managed to get down the stairs. He went out the front door and headed towards the nearest bush. As he relieved himself, he looked down and to his horror, he saw what appeared to be a chicken with red eyes, bat wings and a lizard's tale staring at him. In particular, it was staring at the business he was doing. Harold screamed.

By the time he was back inside the tree, running, screaming and knocking things over, Kumar and Zecora were awake. Zecora spoke some sort of charm and the lamps in the room all burned brightly. Then they saw what the problem was.

Harold was standing, miserable, looking down in horror at what appeared to be an erect granite penis.

"Holy shit!" Kumar clapped his hand over his mouth and sat down on the stairs. Zecora let out some sort of horrified zebra shriek and ran for her room, slamming the door closed behind her.

"Kumar! It was the cockatrice! It was waiting outside and it scoped out my peter when I was taking a leak!"

"Oh my God!" Kumar was making some sort of strangled noises behind his hand. "I'm sorry, I know... I know this isn't funny, but... oh my God!" Kumar could no longer keep it in and started laughing, shaking, falling down and rolling on your ass belly laughs.

"Oh fuck you man! I can't feel anything! What am I supposed to do?"

"Go back home and become an internet sensation? Work as the spokesman for Viagra? It is a cock-atrice after all, what do you expect it to look at?" Kumar rolled around on the floor. "Dude, Zecora said she can cure that, remember? You'll be fine."

Harold breathed a huge sigh of relief. "That's right, she did, didn't she? Zecora? I'm sorry, but I was a little upset. Can you come out?" She replied from behind the door.

Zecora won't come out to play
until you put that thing away!

"Sorry, but it's kind of stuck in this position and I can't zip it. The cockatrice turned it into stone." There was the sound of the door bolt being slid and Zecora poked her head out. She looked at Harold, then her eyes went downward with some trepidation. She turned beet red between the black stripes, then put her hoof to her mouth and started to giggle. "I get it, it's funny." Harold frowned as Kumar's howls of laughter joined the increasing titters from the zebra until they were both helplessly guffawing. "Will you please cure me? You have a potion right?" Zecora stopped laughing, blinked and then blushed almost crimson.

A cure I have, assuredly, to mend petrification,
but I must chant and with my hooves apply the medication!

Kumar's laughter redoubled as Zecora and Harold looked at one another uncomfortably. "Well, I guess you two want to be alone!" He continued laughing as they scowled at him.

My human friend Harold, come into my room;
I'll not treat your affliction before this buffoon!

Harold took his erect granite penis, walked passed Zecora and went into the zebra's room with as much dignity as he could muster. As Zecora closed the door she stuck her tongue out at Kumar.

Kumar went up to the guest room and stayed awake for a while laughing quietly to himself, waiting for Harold to come back out so he could make fun of him. He waited for half an hour planning all the various jokes and quips with which to torment his buddy. The half hour then stretched into an hour. Finally, when he could stay awake no longer, he fell asleep wondering what could be taking so long.

The morning sun woke him, filtering greenly through the canopy as it streaked through the window. Harold's bedroll was not slept in. Kumar heard something coming from downstairs. Harold was laughing and Zecora spoke to him.

Dear Harold, would you please explain,
Why Long Duk Dong is a funny name?

Kumar came downstairs and saw Zecora and Harold sitting up, watching the laptop, upon which Deborah Pollack was dancing with Gedde Watanabe. "Sixteen Candles? What is it with you and that movie? The first movie shown to a pony in Equestria and it's Sixteen Candles? Where is your manhood?"

Zecora leaned into Harold, a smile on her face.

Friend Kumar, I don't think you should
make fun of Harold's stallionhood.

Harold looked and her and kissed her, which she warmly returned.

"What!!?!?" Kumar was outraged.

Harold shrugged. "She's been here for years and none of the stallions in Ponyville ever really warmed up to her. She's lonely. She was applying the salve, and one thing led to another..." He turned back to the zebra mare who was snuggling him. "Thank you, by the way. I did say that, right?"

You said it alright,
At least three times last night.

"Well, the instructions on the medicine did say to rub it in until all stiffness is relieved." She giggled.

"Oh God." Kumar covered his ears, closed his eyes and sat on the floor.

Why Kumar, you embarrassed prude,
be happy for us! Don't be rude!

"Yeah Kumar, don't be a dick!" Zecora looked at him questioningly. "If it's a body part or a bodily function being applied to a person, it's almost always an insult." She nodded.

Kumar sighed. "OK, OK, it's just a lot to process. I'm sorry."

Zecora nuzzled Harold's neck then got up out of the bed.

We'll continue our movie tonight, my dear,
as your stomach now rumbles for breakfast, I fear.
And there is much in the Everfree
that I have to show to both you and he.

Kumar noticed as she walked to the cauldron that there was a certain spring to her step that he had not seen yesterday. He looked at Harold, who shrugged and got out of the bed, much to Kumar's relief wearing his boxers. He clicked the mousepad to pause the movie, then set the computer to hibernate, closing the top with a click.

"So you're using our batteries up for this, when we could be using them for educational materials?" Kumar was trying his best to salvage the situation.

"You mean those porn DVDs you packed?" Harold was obviously feeling more confident than usual.

"Hey mister judgmental, you didn't have a problem with them before!" Kumar scowled defensively.

"Maybe I don't have a problem with them now, either. Zecora is pretty open-minded you know." Harold grinned

"I don't know and I don't want to know!" Kumar shut up when he realized something delicious was being cooked. "Wow, she can cook!"

Harold threw some clothes on and the two sat down at the main table, watching as Zecora stirred something in the cauldron, shaking shakers and adding dashes of liquids from bottles. The two humans salivated. Zecora looked over her shoulder at them and grinned.

I hope you like omelettes. Now eat your fill,
For today we will visit Ponyville!

Chapter 14: Wheeling and Dealing

Neil Patrick Harris was used to driving cross-country, though usually he had a sufficient stash of psychedelic mushrooms to sustain him for the mind-numbing Interstate 10 experience. This time, however, his two passengers had managed to help him go through his stash before they even got through Oklahoma. Only the though of warm, wet, welcoming, west-coast wagina got him through. That and a quarter ounce of Equestrian Primo, rolled up expertly by Silent Bob into hourly doobies. By the time the Texas State Trooper waiting behind the "Welcome to Anthony County, Y'all!" billboard clocked them doing 102 at two in the morning, the car interior was so thick with smoke that Jay could have sold the air by the slice.

"Blue lights in the rear-view are just an autograph stop boys, don't sweat it." Neil slowed down and pulled over as Jay and Silent Bob frantically rolled down the windows and tried to shoo the fragrant smoke from the vehicle.

The trooper waited behind them for the customary thirty seconds before emerging. Now, in Texas, there is a well known unwritten regulation that state troopers be at least 6'4 with shoulders that are half the width of their car. As the gorilla that emerged from the police car unfolded himself and advanced upon his prey, somewhere an NBA scout was crying. His brown round blotted out the stars and his eyes gleamed with hatred of all that is unlawful and fun. A kleig light blazed in his hand, dazzling the trio, and the earth shook as he strode across the landscape like a thing out of legend.

He reached the driver's side door and bent down to blind Neil Patrick Harris with 20,000 watts of photonic dismemberment. "License, registration and insurance," said a voice that may have been plucked out of the Russian National Choir's bass section, except for the Texas in it. Neil slowly reached into his pocket for his wallet, removed the license, and then took his registration and insurance card from the visor, and handed the three to the officer. He then looked up, squinting expectantly. Perhaps the minion of the law wasn't able to recognize him in the glare of a thousand suns, but he would surely recognize the name from the license.

If the trooper did, he gave no sign as he took the documents back to his car. They waited several minutes in fidgety silence while the officer ran his plates, and returned. "Everything seems to be in order, Mr. Harris. You have no outstanding warrants, though you have some interesting priors, ah must say. Do y'all know how fast you were going?"

Doesn't this guy know who I am? Neil started to sweat slightly. "Oh, um, sorry sir, I've got an audition in LA in two days and we got stuck in a traffic jam east of Dallas. Just trying to make up lost time."

"Well, normally ah'd let you off with a warning, but ah think mah olfactory senses are giving me probable cause to ask you to step out of the car and take a sobriety test. Please get out of the car, suh."

"Hey officer, we just hit a skunk a few miles back, is all," Jay broke in, smiling and bobbing his head.

"Was ah speaking to you boy?" The car rocked with the force of the officer's basso profundo. His glare burned like justice as he visually pinned Jay against the inside of the car door. "This is Texas, son. Keep yoah mouth shut or ah maht jest shoot y'all." Jay swallowed and cringed appropriately. Silent Bob sat like a statue, hoping the trooper wouldn't see him. "Now please step on out of the car, suh."

Neil complied and found himself eye-to-eye with the troopers third button. "Suh, ah observe that you have bloodshot eyes and a dazed affect, indicative of marijuana intoxication. Furthermore, you fairly reek of," the officer sniffed, "an exotic, probably Hawaiian." Neil was getting the distinct feeling that this was not going to end well. "Suh, I ask your permission to search your vehicle."

Neil sighed. "You are very polite to ask, officer, but what if I say no?"

"You have that right suh, and in that case, I will arrest you for driving under the influence of marijuana and get a warrant to search your car and ah'll have a K-9 unit come out here and we'll have us a good-ol' time!" Enormous teeth shone from under a regulation black mustache.

"We'll be OK as long as he doesn't look in the trunk, Neil!" yelled Jay helpfully from the car. Silent Bob swatted him on the back of the head.

The trooper gave Jay the eye then turned back to Neil. "Where'd you find that boy, anyway?"

"Central casting." Neil shrugged. "Needed a slacker type. So... the trunk?"

The trooper nodded. "Yep." Neil walked dejectedly to the trunk and popped it open. The giant bent low enough to look.

"What the hell is all this?" Boxes and boxes of oranges filled the trunk to bursting. "Ya'll are bringin' oranges to California? Shee-it!" The trooper reached in and took one out. "What are you up to, boy? You got something under all this? Empty that trunk. Hey you two, get on out here and start unloading!" Jay and Silent Bob climbed out of the car, went back to the trunk, and started unloading boxes of oranges, putting them down on the shoulder of the road.

When everything was offloaded, the trooper removed his huge hat and scratched his head. "Ah'll be. That's all ya'll got back there. Oranges, jumper cables, the spare and a jack." He eyed one of the oranges.

"I just really love oranges, officer." Neil smiled, bent over and picked one up. "Want one?"

"Yeah, thanks... but I still have to run ya'll in. Ya'll as high as hell." Neil shrugged and nodded as the trooper split the orange open with a nail and bit into the juicy pulp, finishing the whole thing in four bites. Jay held out his hand and the trooper absently handed him the rind. "Ah got the feelin' somethin' is goin' on here. This jest don't add up."

"Actually, officer, we are drug offenders, but we are harmless and non-violent. Are you sure you have to bust us?" Neil gave Jay a sidelong glance.

"Just doin' mah job, boys. Ya'll assume the position, like in the movies, alright?"

The three turned to the car and spread their hands and legs, leaning against the side. Then Jay whispered to the orange rind in his hand, "Smoochie boochies."

He let the ziplock bag blow away into the night.

______

They wound up taking the trooper's gun away and stowing it in the glove box, after handcuffing him to the wheel of his car for his own safety. He grinned, looking around at whatever it is one sees when one eats an ounce of Equestria's Best all at once. Whatever it was, it was entertaining as hell, from the giggling sounds he was making.

A quick call to Twilight and she starting smoothing things over with the Texas State Police computer system. In the past month, she had become a frighteningly good hacker. A few transposed numbers in the driver's license table of the database, a misspelled name here, a changed car description there, and tracks had been covered. The trooper would be able to reach his radio to call for help in a few hours when he was lucid, but for now he was staring at the stars through his windshield in awestruck wonder.

The trio loaded their cargo back into the car trunk and made tracks for Cali, while the state trooper looked at the funky universe unfolding before him.

______

"Now just be cool, you two." Neil was speaking to both of them, but gave Jay a hard look.

"What?" Jay feigned shock and dismay. Bob shrugged expansively. Then they got out of the car, Jay sticking an orange into his jacket pocket with a pack of papers and a lighter. Then they walked to the door.

Neil buzzed twice, then three times, and then once. "Jennifer is at a shoot and the nanny has the kids, so he's here."

They waited a few seconds, then the buzzer sounded. Neil opened the door and walked in, his retinue in tow.

"Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in!" Ben Affleck frowned at Neil Patrick Harris angrily. "I thought I told you never to come back here!"

"Ben, Ben, you know that was all a misunderstanding..."

"No, that was all a producer's daughter in a coat room and my dog... really? My fucking dog?" Affleck didn't even notice Jay smiling and nodding, nor Silent Bob's scandalized expression.

"I told you Hayley was a freak..." Neil grinned. "Totally her idea. But you will forgive me, I promise."

"I will, huh? Why the fuck should I forgive you, you sick bastard?"

Neil snapped his fingers. Jay kept grinning like an idiot for several seconds until Silent Bob nudged him in the ribs. "Oh yeah. Man, for a fat boy, you got sharp elbows!" Bob glowered as Jay reached into his pocket and intoned "Snoochie boochies!" His hand withdrew a ziplock bag brimming with the good stuff. Affleck tilted his head and held out his hand, palm up. Jay dropped the illicit substance and the actor pursed his lips as he inspected the goods.

"Not bad, not bad..." he said, pursing his lips. Then he looked at Jay and Silent Bob. "Say, do I know you guys?" Jay grinned like an idiot and Bob shrugged. "Nah, must be someone else. This looks like pretty good shit. And there's a drought, you know. Good Hawaiian like this is rather hard to come by. It's a nice gesture, Neil."

"Oh, my friend, it is more than a nice gesture. Let us smoke and you will see what I mean..."

______

About an hour later as the three lounged in the living room of the converted loft, listening to the traffic of downtown LA. "I never realized the musical quality of car horns before." Ben stared up at the ceiling, his head resting on the back of the leather couch. "I mean, it's almost like listening to a tonal rainstorm. There's a rhythm to it..." Jay sat staring slack jawed at a wall while Neil made faces at Silent Bob, who was snapping pictures of the interior of the room with his phone and texting them somewhere. "So what do you call this stuff?"

Niel paused in his shenanigans to answer. "We want to use the street name, Twilight Sparkle."

"Huh. Good name. Man... I'm so high right now. But seriously, tell me where it comes from."

Jay grinned. "Dude, it comes from magic pony shit."

Affleck chucked. "Get the fuck out of here, man. I mean, tell me we're not talking about cartels and shit."

Neil shook his head. "Nah, this is as safe as it gets. Nobody can know where it comes from though."

"Harris, you want me to finance and promote a fucking film studio in New Jersey with no questions asked in return for a pound of this admittedly superb, mysterious ganja from fucking magic pony shit, every month the studio is in operation. I'm high, but nobody gets that high. Where the hell does it come from?"

Jay looked at Bob. "You finished sending her the pics yet, you tubby stoner fuck?" Silent Bob nodded.

Neil stood up. "Ben, this is where I have to ask you, do you want the red pill or the blue pill?"

Ben grinned back at him. "Can I have both? And how are you even standing?"

Neil walked to the center of the room, taking out his phone. "A long history of functioning under a wide variety of influences. Gentlemen, could you please open up the app she wrote?" Jay and Bob clicked on their phones. "Now place your phones on the floor like we practiced." They put their phones on the carpet, standing on edge and facing the center at 120 degree intervals, roughly two meters apart. "Good thing you have a big place here, Ben."

"Guys, seriously, what the fuck?" Ben stared at the trio as Bob made some final adjustments, then a chime sounded.

Neil backed up. "Make some room, fellas. Shit's about to get interesting." The others complied. Ben stared in confusion, and then there was a flash of light that seemed to consist of a sphere at the focus of the phones that grew to about a meter and a half in diameter.

"FUCK ME!" Ben Affleck shouted as he blinked away the afterimages. A lavender alicorn now occupied the middle of his living room.

Twilight Sparkle looked around the room and shook her mane, spreading her wings and stretching. "That was a really long teleport! I had to bounce off a comsat! Oh, gosh, forgive my manners! You're Ben Affleck! Wow, I really liked Argo! You totally deserved a nomination for Best Director!"

The actor, director and Hollywood mogul fainted dead away.