Harold and Kumar Go to Equestria

The lavender alicorn looked around the apartment. Yuck! Then she looked at her two friends and the three strangers who were gazing at her like she was, well, a lavender alicorn in a world where there were no lavender alicorns. "Harold, Kumar, who are these humans? I thought you weren't going to tell anypony else about this operation. I said I was going to come here in one week for an inspection, and it has been one week, exactly. And this is what I find going on?"

They stared at her as though they didn't understand what she was saying. Of course they don't understand what I am saying, the Great Compact doesn't extend beyond Equestria. Let me try a general translation spell. It won't be very accurate at first; it needs time to calibrate. Her horn glowed and she felt her ears and throat tingle. Here goes!

The alicorn cleared her throat. "Harold, Kumar, sapient apes which do not know? Ego mentality negation vocalization otherbeing regards to subject. Ego expressed arrival location time period..." She stopped, looking at the blank stares. Still not getting through. Let me dial up the discriminator. "Harold. Kumar, what persons be these? I remember you speaking that you would not be speaking to otherpersons regarding the matter. Inspection, remember?" Close enough.

Harold and Kumar looked at one another for a moment, then a lightbulb went off over both of their heads and together they said "Translation spell!"

Kumar continued. "Twilight, we did say we'd need to work with a sales and marketing and finance team, right? Based on their estimates, and a profit of ten thousand dollars per pound, with our target of three million to buy the apartment building and convert it into a movie studio..." Kumar gestured at the blonde man in the sunglasses who was staring at her gape-mouthed, and she remembered their conversation where she told them bribery of the town council was not an option (after they had explained to her exactly what a bribe was.) "So we needed to get someone with connections who could be our front man. Now, we had planned to keep the source of the weed a secret for a while, but since you decided to pop in..."

"Perchance would you place upon the egress some formed indicational warning device which will prevent such negative consequence in coming time periods?" Twilight concentrated some more and felt the linguistics discriminator fall into place. "I mean, maybe you could hang a 'do not disturb' sign on the other side of the mirror so this won't happen again?" She looked at the three strangers. "Oh, sorry, I'm Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, ruler of Ponyville and a Co-Director of Equestrian Cannabis, Inc., with Harold and Kumar here. It is nice to meet you all. Since we're going to be working together, perhaps introductions would be in order?"

"Sure thing, Twilie," spoke Harold. "In order of social desirability, may I introduce our esteemed figurehead, Neil Patrick Harris.

Neil Patrick Harris stood, eyes wide. "Yes! I want to know the meaning of life! Take me with you!" Twilight was understandably nonplussed by this response.

"Silent Bob, who is on the marketing team..."

Silent Bob stared, still frozen in shock.

"... and... Jay."

Jay stood up and threw down a rap.

I was smokin' and a dealin' in a piece of shit dump,
when a purple unicorn with a star on her rump,
came from nowhere, starting talking, couldn't understand.
Thought maybe that she'd come here from another land,

Silent Bob started bobbing his head as Neil Patrick Harris made of himself a respectable human beat box, still staring at Twilight with zealous eyes .

Hallucinatin' like I'm trippin', man, this weed's the shit!
I think I'll eat a bag of chips and take another hit!
Silent Bob's a bitch but he can roll them bones,
If I'm smokin' snoochie poochies, I'll get good and stoned!

Silent Bob seemed to have a little bit of focus now and accepted that he was just hallucinating along with everyone else, or that perhaps he was hallucinating that everyone else was hallucinating. So he took Jay's advice and decided it was time to roll up another fattie. So he broke up more weed on the Playboy while Jay waited for his applause, Neil Patrick Harris waited for the unicorn mothership to take him away, Harold looked at Twilight apologetically and Kumar tried to stop from cracking up.

"So, these are our business partners?" Harold looked sheepish and Kumar turned purple trying to keep himself under control. "So... we're kind of dead, right?"

Kumar got himself under control. "Twilight, they think they're hallucinating. They think its more likely that they are all hallucinating the same thing than that you can be real. Except for Neil. But don't ask me to explain that please."

She looked thoughtful. "I suppose I should blend in, in case somepony, ah, someone else comes in. It could be a little difficult explaining an alicorn princess. I was practicing my human morph last week and I think I've got it pretty much down pat... but I need to take another close look at female faces. Remember that time I had Harold's face?" Kumar shuddered and nodded as Silent Bob finished rolling the joint. "Say, Silent Bob, can I see that magazine?"

Silent Bob nodded and turned it around so she could see the cover. Her horn glowed and the whole room was filled with purple light.

"Take me with you!" shouted Neil.

"Bitchin'!" yelled Jay.

Silent Bob stared silently as Twilight's wings and tail retracted into her body, she assumed an upright posture, her limbs lengthened, her chest developed perky pink-nippled breasts, her hips flared, her hooves split into fingers and toes, and her face remolded itself. Her lavender pigment lightened until she had the nordic complexion, bone structure and body type of Miss February, with colored bangs and blue eyes so dark that they looked purple. Her cutie mark remained on her toned hip as her horn gradually vanished. That, she couldn't morph, but she could make it invisible.

All five men stared. "What's wrong? Did I forget something again?" She stared at her fingers and flexed them experimentally.

Kumar smiled at her with a half leer. "A white girl after all, but for some reason I don't mind."

Jay stared, stood up, and started stripping. "Let's do this! It's gangbang time!" Twilight paled, blinked and lowered her forehead at him. There was a flash and a frog looked up from the table where Jay had been.

Neil continued to stare, wild eyed. "Cool! Can you make me a newt?"

"Um..." said Harold, "Twi... clothes?" Kumar slapped him on the back of the head, hard.

Silent Bob looked at Jay the frog for a second, chuckled, then stood and took off his jacket. Twilight lowered her forehead at him as well, but he held his hands up and stopped moving. He gingerly held the jacket out to her and she nodded, taking it and using it to cover herself, sniffing it first and finding that Silent Bob actually had decent hygiene and used normal amounts of semi-respectable aftershave.

"So, Silent Bob, you've accepted that I'm not an hallucination?" He smiled and looked down at Jay, who caught a passing fly and swallowed it. Then he shook his head and took his seat, chuckling and waving his fingers around trying to see trails. "OK, fine. Maybe it will work better this way. Let me see that marijuana tube." She levitated it to her mouth. "So, what is it you are supposed to do with this?"

Harold answered her, saying, "You light it sort of like a candle on one end and then inhale the smoke through the other end, but just a little. And we call it a joint, or a doobie, or a blunt, or..."

Kumar interrupted him, "Or a jay, a spliff, or a bone... there's a hundred words for it."

"That seems unnecessarily complicated." The joint ignited itself and she took a small puff and the breathed it right out. "Hmm... is that supposed to do something?"

"Try taking a little more, then breathe in clear air over it and hold your breath." She did so, holding her breath for about ten seconds, then releasing it.

"Oh. Oh..." She smiled. "Oh my goodness! What an intriguing sensation!" She started to giggle. "This is different than the brownie was! Much more immediate!"

Jay the frog ribbited at her. "No. You were a bad human. I should leave you like that."

"While that may be a good idea in principle, he's the salesman. It's not like Bob here is going to be singing the praises of the product." Kumar shrugged. "I'm pretty sure he's mute." Bob put his hand out flat and waggled it in the universal 'eh' sign.

"Alright then, but no more talk about gangbangs. Kumar told me what those are when he explained the porn magazine to me and it seems to me that they are totally unsanitary." She bowed her head and, after a purple flash, Jay was squatting on his chair. He stared at Twilight, stuck his tongue out and licked his eyeball.

"Oh sorry, let me fix that." There was a zap and Jay was feeling around himself with his hands.

The slacker stretched out. "Silent Bob yo, I swear, this is the craziest shit I've ever smoked. And my mouth tastes really weird." Silent Bob nodded.

"So what are you guys doing? Besides smoking up the profits, that is?" Twilight started looking at her fingers and waggled them around. "These things are so weird."

"We're weighing the product out into retail quantities." Harold took an eighth bag and showed her. "Its easier to be able to afford a small amount, and besides you don't need a lot of this to get high. If someone had a whole pound, it would get dry and stale before they could get even a quarter way through it."

"Hmm... I think maybe it would be more efficient to do that in Equestria rather than bring it over here in a large batch and then have to break it up with so few of you. Princess Celestia has given me the authority to do what needs to be done to keep the portal secret, so I think we can add a few full time pony employees to do the packaging once the new crop Applejack is cultivating comes in."
"When will that be?" Neil Patrick Harris seemed to come back to Earth at the mention of cultivation.

"Given the greenhouses we've been putting up and the accelerated curing we'll get in Zecora's new drying shed, we're looking at about twelve days. We should have another twenty for you by then." She looked at her long fingernails. "Seriously? These things are dragon talons. And painted red like they've been dipped in blood... lovely."

"Another twenty ounces? That's a looot of snooch!" Jay looked at the pile of eighth bags that had accumulated on the table and wondered how many days they'd selling this batch. "Say, where did that unicorn go?"

"Alicorn. Not twenty ounces; twenty pounds." The room went silent at Twilight's pronouncement.

Kumar recovered first. "We can't deal that much, Twilight. If we get caught with that much, we'd be looking at some hard time. That's serious weight."

"How would you get caught?" Twilight smiled lazily and wrinkled her nose at him. "The alicorn princess of friendship is on your side."

"Yeah, but I was thinking we'd be moving a pound every week when we were up to speed." Harold took a bag and shook it. "This sells for one twenty, we get one hundred and twenty eight to the pound, about fifteen thousand a week, half of which goes to the building fund. Call it four hundred grand a year. We can get our down payment and incorporation expenses in a year and then that's plenty to pay the mortgage on the building and pay it off in eight to ten years, say. But you're saying we have twenty pounds a... month?"

"It depends on how much you want. Like I said, Celestia said to do what was needed to secure the portal. If you want a hundred pounds a week, we can manage that, with intensive cultivation and expansion of the greenhouses. And some enchanted fertilizer." She smiled at that last one. "That's the earth ponies' real magic. They don't like to talk about it..."

Jay looked down at the weed on the table and his eyes grew enormously. "So what the purple unicorn who turned into a Playboy bunny is saying is that she can get us a hundy of this crazy primo shit, every fucking week, without having to cross any borders or nothin', from inside of this Arab and Chinese guyses mirror, and you guys are going to buy this apartment and turn it into a film studio?"

Harold wrote some numbers down on a notepad. "We can't retail that much, can we?" Jay and Silent Bob shook their heads no emphatically.

"Guys, I know I'm tripping, which is strange because I usually don't have such persistent hallucinations, but if we'd have to move that to the city and probably LA too, and wholesale it, probably get about eight grand a pound." Neil scratched his head. "We'd have to tell people we've got hydro set up somewhere, but if we do this for a couple of months, we can buy your apartment building, set up your company and have enough left over for mansions and yachts for everyone. I mean, there will be more risk because we have to ship it, but damn, even I think that's a lot of money and I'm practically Hollywood royalty." Bob game him a sidelong glance while Jay rubbed his hands together.

Kumar was nodding. "But how do we launder that much money that fast? Someone will notice, and if the DEA finds out about it, the government will know about the portal and then..." he shuddered.

Twilight smiled. "DEA is the Drug Enforcement Agency, right? There are no unicorns in this world? People don't know about magic?" She concentrated and a dozen of the bags on the table turned into oranges.

Jay shouted "No! What the fuck?"

"Wait a minute, Jay." Twilight looked at her fingernails and took another toke, deeper this time. "'Ere." She passed it to him clumsily.

Harold chuckled, "We have to teach you how to do the finger roll." Then there was a pop and the oranges turned back into rolled bags of pot. "Whoa! How long can you make that spell last?" Jay breathed a sigh of relief and inhaled sharply on the burning instrument of stonage.

She exhaled and sweet smelling smoke filled the air. "As long as you want. I can also make it so that you dispel it with a command word, but make it a word that won't come out in casual conversation."

Jay looked at her. "Smoochie poochies!"

She bowed her head and a bag transformed into a banana. "It has to be organic, but I can make it whatever you want."

He took up the banana and whispered "Smoochie poochies" to it. There was a flash and the ziplock bag sat in his palm. "Oh my God. We're going to be so fucking rich."