My Crappy New Life

It was just another friday, and our protagonist, Cornelius Brown, was walking home from a brutal and hectic day at high school. High school is really tuff, and people kept making fun of him all day for wearing his 'friendship is 20% cooler' T-shirt. He didn't care though, he would love and tolerate them until the end of time. They just didn't understand his undying love of ponies. They could never understand...

He walked down the sidewalk, listening to What my Cutie Mark is Telling me at full volume on his mp3 player. He could ride the bus, but the kids on the bus were mean, so he opted to instead walk. It wasn't very far anyway. Of course, he wasn't going straight home. He seldom did nowadays. Cornelius spent as little time at home as he could as his parents were always harassing him about making friends and doing something productive with his life. He hated it. It's not his fault that everyone else in the world is stupid. No one gets him.

Instead of continuing home, he turned off the sidewalk and into the local Starbucks. They had free WiFi there, so it was a prime hangout spot for an internet-savvy brony like himself. He took a seat by the window, not even caring to buy any coffee as coffee is icky, and pulled his laptop from his pony-pin-covered laptop case. He then got up and plugged the charger into a nearby outlet. He'd likely be there for a while and he didn't want his laptop to run out of batteries in the middle of something important.

Once that was done, he was finally able to take a deep breath and relax. High school was always so stressful, it was nice to get a chance to unwind and do his favorite thing. He opened youtube and began streaming episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. He was proud to be a brony, so he didn't even use his headphones. Maybe other people in the store would see how enjoyable it was for people of all ages and sexes and become bronies too! Looking around, he saw nothing but hipsters and cool people sitting at the other tables, so sadly it wasn't likely that any of them would be interested. They were giving him annoyed looks, though. Clearly they couldn't understand the magic of friendship like he did.

Over an hour passed and he was completely enthralled with what was happening on his computer screen. So much so that he didn't even notice as a stranger sat down at the table next to him. Finally, he pulled his gaze away from the computer as he felt something sticky running down his legs. He looked down to see that his spaghetti had spilled out of his short's pockets and some had dripped down onto his meaty ankles.

He was about to grab a napkin when he finally noticed the stranger sharing a table with him. He looked to be somewhat old and was wearing a gray suit or something. None of that really registered with Cornelius, though. All that he noticed was that they had briefly made eye contact, and he instantly turned away, too awkward to look anyone in the eyes.

The stranger, being much more skilled socially, spoke up before Cornelius could utter a single word. "Hello, friend."

This caused confusion and panic to run through Cornelius' head. He didn't know this guy and the two of them certainly weren't friends. His mommy had always taught him to never talk to strangers or else they would touch his swimsuit area. He began to sweat as he was debating whether he should just ignore the stranger completely or if he should grab his laptop and leave.

These thoughts were pushed aside, though, as the stranger spoke again. "So I see you like My Little Pony."

Cornelius' eyes widened. This weird man knew about ponies? Maybe he wasn't a rapist after all! "Ugh, yeah," Cornelius responded with social skills comparable to a jungle cat.

"That's super swank," replied the stranger, "would you like to go to Equestria?"

Cornelius' face scrunched up in confusion at such a weird question. After a moment he thought about it, though. He would like to go to Equestria if given the chance. Then he could be super popular and make friends with all the main 6 (and possibly even become more than friends) and he could battle evil and be the coolest guy ever. Going to Equestria is every brony's dream! Humans are all heartless bastards anyway, so it's not like he'd be leaving anything behind. After a few long moments he finally spoke up with utmost confidence. "Well, I guess I would."

The strange man smiled, flashing his white and thoroughly flossed teeth. Flossing is important kids, remember that. "That's all I needed to know," he said as he snapped his bony fingers. Suddenly, Cornelius felt woozy and he fell to the floor in a daze. The last thing he saw before passing out was his laptop case resting on the floor. His eyes focused on his pin of Applejack. She was his favorite pony...

--

Cornelius woke up feeling strange. Stranger than he had ever felt before. He opened his eyes only to see that he was seemingly laying in the grass in a big field. Needless to say, he was extremely confused. He tried to push himself up, but his arms didn't seem to respond. In fact, he couldn't feel any of his limbs.

He began to panic as the two pieces of corn that now made up his eyes looked down at the rest of his body. If he had a mouth he would have gasped in shock. It turns out he was now a big piece of shit. He tried to scream as the revelation finally sunk in, but no sound came out.

After a few minutes of panicking, he finally got his mind under control, and he began to think rationally. This was just such a weird situation that he came to the obvious conclusion. He must have been dreaming! It was a really weird ream, but now that he knew it was a dream he could surely change things. He focused on not being a huge piece of shit anymore, but no amount of mental effort could change that for him.

He continued trying to mentally change his environment and his current state for minutes, but to no success, and was only brought out of his intense concentration as he heard the buzzing of a fly as it circled him. His eyes turned to watch as a comparatively massive horse fly had landed on his side. It wasted no time, finding a solid perch as it began excreting copious amounts of vomit out its proboscis onto him.

Cornelius wanted to scream and shoe the thing away, he wanted to wake up, and for all of this to end, but he couldn't do anything. He couldn't stop the fly as it began consuming his crap flesh, eventually making a small swathe on his side as it slurped his predigested shit skin up like a delicious milkshake.

His attention was once again pulled away as he heard a rumbling coming from the ground. He listened in on it, trying his best to ignore the fly going to town on his new body. It sounded like a series of booms, almost as though some massive creature was walking. He was instantly reminded of that scene from Jurassic Park. You know the one.

With the thought of T-rexes fresh in his mind, he wasn't at all assured when he realized the quakes were become louder and more noticeable. Clearly, whatever it was was coming closer. He finally got his first sight of the monstrous beast as it topped a nearby hill.

It was massive and four-legged, crushing grass with little regard as it trudged on with its humongous hooves. It's orange coat was the color of... Orange blood, and it had colossal green eyes. Its mane and tail were both styled into a yellow ponytail, and a dirty old cowboy hat sat atop its head, giving it an almost comical look. In case it's not completely obvious, he was looking at Applejack.

He was confused for a moment, but looking around he saw that the field he was in wasn't actually that large, and was flanked by trees. Clearly he was somewhere in her orchard. He suddenly felt relief, his favorite pony was here to save the day! Surely she'd help him! Then he realized how ridiculous that thought was considering that he was likely dreaming. Maybe if he tried hard enough, he could turn this into a wet dream. Then he could write all about it on the Tulpa general.

As Applejack trotted by, she suddenly stopped, smelling something fowl in the air. She looked around, instantly spotting the huge turd in the grass. Her eyes narrowed and she trotted over to it, forgetting whatever it was that she was doing for the time being. Once close, she leaned down until her snout was almost pressed into Cornelius' side, shoeing the fly away as she examined him. She took a few sniffs, her nose scrunching up in disgust.

"This aint mine!" she exclaimed in anger. Her head rose back up as she looked around, trying to spot whoever had left this shit on her property. She didn't see anyone, but that didn't mean they weren't hiding behind a tree nearby. "This here's my property," she called out, "ya better never show your face round here again, ya here?!"

With that her attention turned back to Cornelius, and he felt fear as he noticed the frown on her face. He tried calling out to her to explain what was going on and to ask for help, but once again no sound came out. He could only watch in horror as she lowered her head and grabbed him in her powerful jaws, chewing up his shitty exterior before swallowing.

This was her property, so only she was allowed to shit here. By eating that shit she showed her superiority. With a smug, and slightly brown, smile, she trotted on back to her house to grab some dinner.

--

It was early the next day, and Applejack had just headed over to the local library, and home to her friend, alicorn Twilight Sparkle. She knocked on the door before being let inside by Twilight's dragon slave. Once inside she smiled happily as she met with her friend.

"Well howdy Twilight. Quite a nice day we're havin' aint it?" She asked in her obnoxious, over-the-top southern accent.

"Just cut the crap," commanded Twilight. She wasn't one for useless small talk, especially when she was in the middle of a good book. "We both know why you're here."

Applejack nodded and turned around, presenting her backside to her friend. It was time for the offering. Twilight moved the tail aside with her magic and pressed her mouth to her friend's anus before sucking the shit out. All her friends came by periodically to offer their shit to Twilight as a submissive gesture, just as all the ponies of Ponyville submitted to Mayor Mare. That's just how they do things in Equestria.

After slurping furiously for over a minute, Twilight was finished, and she took a final swallow before wiping her mouth with the back of a foreleg. "That tasted even shittier than usual," she commented.

Applejack turned around and nodded. "Yesterday I ate a piece of poop I found on my lawn, so that was double-poop."

"Well soon it'll be triple poop," she said as she imagined how she would soon be crapping it into Celestia and Luna's mouths as all authority figures in Equestria do to prove their loyalty to the crown. Haven't you ever wondered why Celestia and Luna are so big? It's because they're both full of shit.