My Crappy New Life

"Yo, Applejack. You here...?" Asked Twilight as she pushed her way into the Apple family homestead. None of the lights were on and the place looked abandoned which was unusual. Usually Granny Smith was hanging around or Sweetie Belle, Applejack's daughter, was nearby with her friends, the sound of child laughter echoing through the orchard. Not even Big Mac and Applejack's constant tree kicking could be heard.

Twilight continued into the house, looking around for any sign of her friend. Celestia stood watch just out front, waiting for her student to come out with the news. Twilight continued through the living room, noticing that the couch was pushed over. Something must have happened! Twilight grew frantic and trotted up the steps and to the bedrooms located on the second floor. She really hoped she would just find Applejack sleeping, despite the fact that it wasn't that late. Maybe she was sick...

She pushed open Applejack's door but didn't see anything in the room. Nothing looked out of place anyway. There was mud everywhere, but that's to be expected from a sludge pony like Applejack. Legends say that all dirt ponies are descended from pigs, and Twilight could hardly argue against that.

She stepped back into the hall, deciding to check the other rooms to see if anyone else was home. She walked to the next door down and pushed it open, only to find a green heap of flesh sprawled across the floor. The smell was grotesque, and Twilight instantly backpedaled as it assaulted her nostrils. After a brief moment she managed to cover her snout with her magical aura, blocking out whatever the horrible smell was.

With that done, she took a few steps forward, entering the room to examine what was on the floor. She nearly ran out of the room again as she realized that it was the saggy body of Granny Smith on the floor. She gasped and moved forward, thinking that Granny must have accidently fallen and hurt herself. She tried to pick up Granny Smith's head to see if she was okay, but in her haste the didn't notice the partially dried blood pooling on the floor, and so she was shocked to find the right side of Granny's face caved in. She dropped the head and scooted away, retching as she realized what she was looking at.

She edged up to the wall, breathing heavily as she tried to figure out what was going on. Clearly Granny Smith was beyond saving at this point, but that still didn't answer what happened and where the rest of the Apples were. As she tried to steady her breathing she heard a quiet sound coming from somewhere in the room. Being curious, she ducked her head until it was nearly level with the wooden floor. Naturally, under the bed is the first place anyone intelligent looks for anything in a random room.

What she saw was a curled up Sweetie Belle looking back at her with scared eyes. Good, she finally found someone. Maybe now Twilight could get some answers.

--

A few minutes later Twilight walked out of the house, hooves drenched in fresh blood, only to meet a confused Celestia.

"Did you find out where Applejack is, Twilight?" She asked.

"Yes, but it took some coaxing. Apparently Applejack completely changed... The shit must have turned her into an alicorn. She's different though... I found her entire family brutally murdered in there. Apparently she's going to the palace now for some reason... We have to stop her!"

Celestia nodded before taking a moment to look at Twilight's blood-coated body. "Where'd you learn that if all of the Apple family was dead?"

"You always taught me not to ask questions I don't want to know the answer to," responded Twilight calmly. Celestia might have considered pressing the issue, but there were clearly more important matters at hand. For example, the homicidal alicorn that was apparently traveling to the palace. Celestia nodded and the both of them prepared to teleport back to the Palace gardens.

--

Applejack licked her chops, noting the unique taste. She had eaten shit countless times in the past, but this was new entirely. Around her sat the bodies of over a dozen palace servants and guards. Each of the servant's stomachs were cut open as Applejack had just finished eating the shit out of them. That amount of shit would have probably been too much for her if not for her increased size. For some reason she had transformed and was now nearly as Tall as Celestia.

She couldn't help but chuckle. Just a week ago she had been a normal dirt pony trying to live her life in a world full of pegasi and unicorns with a superiority complex. "Now who's superior?" She chucked to herself, noting her long spiral horn, and new, orange wings. Thankfully, her dumb accent had also been changed in the transformation, so now she didn't sound like a complete retard.

Her stomach rumbled as she felt the magic of the shit doing its job. She had figured out after a few days that it must have been that shit she ate that had changed her. How it ended up in Canterlot palace she wasn't sure, but it wasn't hard to locate it. Her body had already absorbed much of the poop's energy, but now she was going to absorb the rest, or something. I don't know, I'm just the narrator, I'm sure she'll explain her plans later. Then she would be the most powerful being in existence and she could slaughter all who apposed her!

Just like her family... She had always hated them. Now that she was an alicorn, she felt there was no reason not to murder them all. Unfortunately she wasn't able to find and kill her daughter, but she was kind of strained for time. Besides, she could always just go kill the brat later. Once she had finished with her plans...

She sat down on her rump and waited for the shit to run its course, when suddenly the throne room doors burst open to reveal none other than Celestia and Twilight. They both looked pretty pissed, and Celestia only grew more angry when she saw that Applejack had eaten the shit.

"That shit was for me! I was going to eat that!" Shouted Celestia. Her horn was already lighting up, ready to cast a spell at a moment's notice.

"We just came from your home, Applejack. We saw what you did to your family."

Applejack just chucked, standing up despite the absolutely massive amounts of shit in her belly weighing her down. "They are no longer my family. Besides, they were just dirty mud ponies. What do you care? But that's aside the point, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here."

"I can assume that you're here to eat that shit, and I can assume that it's because you've grown hungry for power (and shit)," explained Twilight. "We were best friends, Applejack. How could you have changed like this?"

"Nothing has changed," laughed Applejack. "This is always who I've been, I was just always trapped in that filthy dirt pony body. Now that I have a real body I can fulfill my destiny."

"I thought your destiny was kicking apple trees," spat Celestia.

"Oh shut your mouth, winch. My destiny has nothing to do with apples. If you look closely, my cutie mark is a trio of brutalized pony skulls, covered in blood. It's my destiny to slaughter all that I deem unworthy of life. My family was just the first, then I'll move on to the up-tight unicorns. They always look down upon all others, and I'll be looking down on their desecrated corpses. Then I'll move on to Cloudsdale and I'll hurl the old and young from its highest terrace. Their death screams will fill the night. And don't think I'll leave the dirty mud ponies alone. I'll spread a plague across their crops and light their homes on fire as they sleep. I'll give them a disease that will cause their genitals to shrivel up so they can no longer inbreed!"

"And through it all, I'll just laugh at their pain. The cries of thousands echoing in my ears," finished Applejack.

Twilight and Celestia shared a shocked look before looking back at Applejack. "Wow, that's real fucked up, mate," commented Celestia. "I guess now we know what you're planning and that we have got to stop you."

"Hahaha! Go ahead and try," shot back Applejack cockily. Clearly she wasn't afraid of no shit-tier pony princesses. "Bring your might to bear. Strike me down!"

Celestia and Twilight were happy to oblige, their horns lighting up like a pair of tiny suns as they brought the full force of their magic to their horns. They yelled as they suddenly let it all out in a pair of magical lasers so powerful they could probably incinerate half the palace. The lasers curved through the air before homing in on Applejack's smiling form.

They hit, but instead of destroying Applejack outright they seemed to just be absorbed into her, causing her to light up with her own magical glow. Twilight and Celestia stood by in shock. Their attack had completely failed! It should have destroyed her!

"Hah, for two who think yourselves wise, you really are gullible. You think I'd just act so cocky if I didn't have something up my sleeve(ponies don't wear shirts)? I'm surprised you actually fell for that. Either way, I must thank you. Without your power my plan would have never worked."

"W-what did you do?! How did you...?" Twilight asked in complete confusion.

"Oh, that's easy. The shit in my stomach absorbed the magic from your attacks, just as it's absorbing my magic right now. I'm not stupid enough to think that I can just eat the shit again and absorb more energy from it... That's retarded. No, this shit is too powerful for me. I'm returning my energy, as well as my life energy to it. Of course, that wasn't enough, so I needed a bit more. Thankfully, having been eaten five times now, it has absorbed energy from Luna, Twilight, and a few dozen other ponies, as well as Celestia just now. You thought it was powerful before? Now it's even more powerful than you could possibly imagine."

Twilight looked at Applejack like she was insane. She kinda was... "But... That'll kill you! You can't possibly survive that!"

"Well duh!" Stated Applejack with a roll of her eyes. The idioitc ponies she had to put up with... "I have no delusions of actually ruling. My cutie mark really is just three apples... I'm doing this to get revenge on all of Equestria. They've treated me like shit my whole life. Even you, Twilight. Since I'm a dirt pony you hardly ever even talk to me compared to our other friends. You treat me like a second rate friend yet you act as though we're best friends?! I only killed my family to spare them from the horrible fate that will befall everypony else. I also killed the rest of our friends, but I'm sure you didn't even notice."

Twilight's jaw fell open in horror. If what Applejack was saying was true, all of her friends were dead, and now Applejack was about to destroy all of Equestria with the most powerful shit ever... And she was powerless to stop her. She had already used her most powerful attack and it had only done more harm than good, not to mention that attack took a lot out of her.

It looks like this is the end for Equestria. Applejack continued to laugh maniacally until she suddenly groaned in pain. She fell to the floor as the huge bulge in her stomach began moving as though it had a mind of its own. "It's happening..." She grunted out. Apparently ponies are able shit mere minutes after eating.

She began screaming as the massive turd forced its way out, tearing her insides apart in the process. After a matter of minutes it was over, and Applejack lay bloody and lifeless on the floor next to a piece of shit that was easily twice the size of a pony. Everything was eerily quiet, and Twilight took a few steps forward, wondering if the shit had failed somehow.

She was thoroughly surprised and jumped back like a scared cat, with her back arched up and her fur sticking out, as the shit suddenly began to move. Limbs seemed to form out of the pile of filth and it suddenly pushed itself up, standing on two long, shit legs. It had shit arms on either side of its body and a shit head on top.

Suddenly, the shit creature began to transform. Its shit flesh became real flesh, devoid of fur. After a matter of seconds it had completely transformed into a creature even more disgusting than the huge shit... It was a brony... It was Cornelius Brown. He stood, stark naked, glaring at the ponies.

"What the fuck is wrong with you ponies? I've been here for like a week and I've already gotten eaten like five times... Do you have any idea how much it sucks being in a pony colon? No, you don't! Fuck you! I used to like ponies, but now I see that you're all a bunch of shit-eating fucks!"

Twilight was about to say something when Cornelius suddenly extended his arm and a tiny skinrender jumped out of his palm.

It leaped through the air and before Twilight knew it, the skineender had put three -1/-1 counters on her and she was sent to the graveyard. Celestia wasn't even able to blink before a bolt of lightning hit her square in the forehead, courtesy of Cornelius.

And so, the shit brony went on a killing rampage, getting his revenge on all of Equestria. None were spared his wrath, and before long the planet was a desolate waste land.

And that's why Brony in Equestria stories are shit. The end.