My Crappy New Life

"What the artificially grafted shit-dick is going on in here?" Asked Celestia as she walked into the throne room. There was shit literally everywhere, and it had yet to be fully cleaned by the dozens of palace slaves who were licking it up.

A nearby guard trotted up and saluted her with a foreleg, clearly he was in charge here. Celestia had to admit, despite having lived with guards for thousands of years, she still couldn't tell any of them apart. "Greetings your highness, you're home early. I trust your trip to the Zebra-"

"Cut the bullshit. What's going on here?" She asked, eager to learn what the magical discharge she felt was.

The guard rubbed his forelegs together nervously, clearly not liking whatever it was he was about to explain. "Last night was the shit feast (as it was often referred to). Princess Luna had gone through the whole night without a problem, eating everyponys' shit and she was starting to get a little bloated. I suppose she wasn't used to eating so much on her own... So, so very much shit..."

"What happened?" Asked Celestia in a commanding voice, prompting the guard to get back on track with his explanation.

"Well, Twilight Sparkle was last in line, and everything seemed like it was going to be fine. Then she was having some trouble shitting. She was pushing really hard and everything! Then, like a volcano erupting, she suddenly unloaded her payload of shit into princess Luna's throat. They both screamed in agony... It was so much shit... Luna just couldn't handle it all. Then she exploded, spreading shit everywhere. We locked Twilight up in the dungeon until you could return to judge her accordingly," the guard finished, unable to even make eye contact with Celestia after giving the news that her sister was dead.

Surprisingly, Celestia didn't seem too concerned with that detail, and was instead examining the shit that still stained the walls, floor, and ceiling of the massive chamber. She could feel the magic practically oozing out of the excrement helping her come to the conclusion that this was indeed the magical shit she was looking for.

She turned back to the guard after having decided what to do. "Make sure the servants lick up ALL the shit, then once they're done inform them that they'll be shitting it directly into my mouth. I don't want to lose even a drop of that shit. Do I make myself clear?"

The guard saluted once again. "Yes your highness!" He called out before vigorously trotting over to the servants and relaying the princess' orders. Now that that was out of the way, Celestia had a certain faithful student to visit in the dungeons. The walk there was pretty short, but Celestia simply teleported because she can. She arrived with a flash outside the dungeons and trotted on in, not being stopped by the multiple guards.

She quickly found Twilight's cell and pushed the heavy wooden door open, trusting her student enough to not try anything despite the fact that there were no guards present. As she stepped into the cell she instantly took note of the absolutely awful smell. It was as though someone had dipped hundreds of festering baby pony corpses in a pool of urine and vomit, before leaving them out in the sun to rot. What she actually found in the cell wasn't much better.

Twilight lay on the floor, covered in shit, urine, and probably all manner of other gross bodily excretions. A stream of brown goo dripped from her dislocated jaw, making a pool that covered over a third of the floor. Laying nearby was a white stallion, his coat stained brown from the goo. His sex legs had seemingly dislocated, probably having penetrated Twilight just moments prior, leaving him mostly immobile as his leg stumps bled into the pool.

Celestia probably would have thrown up, adding to the gross concoction on the floor, but she'd seen plenty of disgusting things in her life. This hardly even made her gag.

The pair of ponies on the floor quickly took notice of her presence, and looked at her with shock. Anal Gape because she was the commander and chief of the royal guard, and Twilight because she was her mentor and mother figure, not to mention Twilight had just inadvertently murdered her sister.

Before they could even hope to spew out their apologies, Celestia spoke up. "Guard slave, you're dismissed. I'd like to speak to Twilight alone."

He saluted as best he could, pushing himself up out of the goo. Normally, a guard would have probably argued about leaving the princess alone with a potentially dangerous prisoner, but he just wanted to get out of here before the princess decided to punish him. Besides, he wasn't really in the best shape to protect her at the moment anyway. He quickly grabbed his pile of armor from the corner before crawling as best he could out of the room, spreading a line of red and brown goo behind himself like a huge pony slug.

Once he was outside, Celestia shut the door with her magic before turning back to Twilight. The purple alicorn wouldn't even meet Celestia's gaze, and she just looked absolutely pitiful sitting there with a messed up jaw. Celestia sighed, using her magic to relocate her student's jaw, eliciting a pained moan from Twilight. Seeing that her student didn't seem too keen on starting the conversation, she decided that she would do it.

"I just got back from the throne room. There was shit everywhere," She said, her voice not giving a hint at her emotions. "I heard that your shit was so large that it caused my dear sister to explode. Is that true?"

Twilight continued to look at the floor, fresh tears coming to her eyes at having to tell her teacher to her face that she'd accidentally murdered her sister. "Y-yes, princess. I just had to shit so bad... I guess she couldn't take it."

Celestia smiled. Even after all these years, her student continued to impress her. "That must have been a mighty shit," she commented with a hint of pride in her voice.

This confused Twilight, and she finally raised her head to meet her mentor's eyes. "B-but, I killed your sister. I'm a murderer. I deserve to be punished."

Celestia briefly considered getting kinky and 'punsihing' her naughty student, but in the interest of being a boner kill I'm not going to let that happen. "It looks like it's time I let you in on a little secret." Twilight instantly perked up at the idea of learning something new from her teacher. "Long ago, over three thousand years, in fact, when I was still young, I was out in a field. I've never told anypony this, but back then I was but a simple earth pony. I worked at my family's orange orchard, and I even had a radiant orange for a cutie mark. One day, while digging a ditch where we would later plant new orange trees, I unearthed something. Something strange and magical... Something that was never meant to be found."

"What was it?" Asked Twilight, enraptured by this story that seemingly told the origins of her teacher.

"It was a giant piece of shit. However, I soon learned that it was no ordinary shit. It practically radiated magical energy, and before I knew it I was devouring it by the mouthful. It just seemed to call to me. It was so enticing, I couldn't not eat it. Before I knew it, I had completely consumed the massive turd, giving my belly a well-rounded finish as I had just injested literally pounds of shit. It wasn't long before I started to change."

"Within a day I was twice my height and I had spouted a horn and wings. But that's not all. Apparently my body simply couldn't handle that much shit, so I crapped the rest out. Of course, instead of coming out as poop, it came out as a tiny blue alicorn. It was luna, in case you're retarded."

"So Luna was-" Started Twilight, only to have her thought finished by Celestia.

"Yes, Luna wasn't my sister, and technically she wasn't my daughter. She was just a big piece of magical shit. I taught her that she was my sister and that she just couldn't remember her childhood, and with her at my side I was able to overthrow the unicorns in charge and take over all of Equestria. Unfortunately, being a huge piece of magical shit, she had some mental problems..." Celestia smiled down at her student. "And you vanquished her."

Twilight once again looked upset, as though Celestia was about to berate her, but that never happened. "I should really thank you Twilight. I always hated Luna. She was so annoying, but I couldn't get rid of her myself. Even the elements of harmony couldn't kill her as even with her emotional problems she was never truly evil."

"But... Wait... You're thanking me now?" Asked Twilight in confusion. This really wasn't how she imaged things would go down at all.

"Of course. A few hours ago I was all the way in the Zebra empire, and I was still able to feel the magical force of your absolutely massive shit. It was so powerful, I think it might even rival the one I took when I made Luna. This is a glorious day. I ordered the servant to devour all of it, then they're going to shit it into my mouth. Then, with my power added to that shit, there's no telling what will happen."

Celestia seemed strangely excited about this. It's likely that the idea of taking a powerful shit just turns her on. Either way, Twilight's mood had improved drastically. First she had finally been fucked by a stallion, then her teacher wasn't even mad at her, and now she learned that she had actually been helpful. She pushed herself up out of the goo, still feeling the sex legs writhing in her tummy as they fought for dominance, and smiled up at Celestia.

Now that Celestia was done with her story, she just had one question. "How did your poop become so powerful? Did you eat something special?"

Twilight put a hoof to her chin in thought. She had eaten a lot of stuff in the past ten days as she's a fat little slut. She ate a lot of meat and hay, she even ate some of Fluttershy's pet animals when her friend wasn't looking, but none of that was really special. Then she remembered that Applejack had fed her some of her shit. Such a thing wasn't significant, except for what she had said about it being double shit.

Her eyes widened as she looked to Celestia, having likely figured out the answer. "The only thing significant is that Applejack shit in my mouth about a week ago. She said something about how she had found a piece of shit in her orchard and had eaten it, making her shit double shit. She must have found a powerful shit there!"

Celestia looked shocked at this latest news. "If that shit was powerful enough to give you the most powerful shit in Equestrian history, there's no telling what it could have done to Applejack!"

"Come to think of it, I haven't seen Applejack since she shit in my mouth a week ago... You don't think something bad happened to her, do you?" Asked Twilight.

Celestia quickly grabbed her student with a foreleg, ushering her towards the door. "There's no time for that, we have to go check on her now. Hopefully we'll get back in time for me to eat all the servants' shit."

And with that they were off, going to check on Applejack in Ponyville. Surely nothing horrible could happen.