The World's Greatest Thief

by KillerSteel

First published January 1st, 1970 00:00

Today was just like any other day, with a poor human sitting in Ponyville's only prison cell. He'd tried once again to rob the local bank of all its riches, only to be stopped by the stubborn ponies there.

Just how far down could poor Luis' luck fall? And what did he have to do in order to get into all that gold and jewelry, and call himself a successful thief?

Simply the appearance of a friend in disguise, and an offer he couldn't refuse.

[A/N: You are warned, right here and now, that this fic may break your mind. And not like breaking it from sexuality, or because of the weird fetishes contained within.

Just… I can't even say it. Just be prepared. You have been warned. Oh, and aged up Silver Spoon.]

Chapters

"Time to step up to the plate."

"Time to step up to the plate."
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The World's Greatest Thief

"Time to step up to the plate."

"Arrested. Again," the human grumbled, staring at the black-grey flooring below his shoes. It was supposed to go through like any other plan: charge in, run past the guards, hit the vault and get out before anypony noticed. Apparently, a large human running through a populated lobby wasn't very stealthy. Poppycock! Nonsense! Luis was the world's greatest thief who could hide in plain sight!

So how did the guards keep capturing him? How did they keep tripping him, cuffing him, throwing him back into prison? He was a shadow, a spectre, a phantom that haunted everypony's dreams! How!?

He shook his head to cast away his own ghosts gnawing at his self-confidence. I know I can rob that bank! I know it! I can show everyone else up! Every single thief who'd ever come up in history! I can fight, I can steal, I can make a living! I just... how do I keep getting caught!? His maroon eyes twitched in rage at his own folly, unable to come up with an answer to the query. I know that bank inside and out. It's front door, lobby, counters, then the vault behind them. There is a door from the lobby to the counters, and a straight bloody path to the vault! How do I keep screwing up!?

He went through the most recent robbery as logically as possible. Alright, first, I went to the front door. Then, I walked through the front door. Probably wasn't a good idea, breaking the glass and walking through it... I had to use that pipe for something, though. Ok, then, I ran to the door leading to the back area. Everyone was staring at me, obviously stunned by my bravado, so that went well. Then, I went through the door, got to the vault, and got caught by someone. Some crazy unicorn, purple coat, pink highlights... whatever. He stroked his chin and pondered on the events that transpired only hours before his most recent visit to the dog house. There's nothing wrong with my plan!

The poor man was stumped, and the ground was stomped due to his stumped... ness. The answer just wasn't coming, but obviously, because there was no answer! These ponies just kept getting lucky! Lucky ponies getting lucky with him!

Wait, that sounded wrong.

Deciding to use some of his time, the human got up and grabbed his metal cup, stretching up to his full five foot eleven stature, and stomped over to the door. The bars weren't quite so big, but they were built to resist a unicorn's magic shove. This resistance was proven when Luis tried to tear down the bars, only really amounting to severely injuring his fingers with one bad pull. Luckily, that was five robberies ago. He ran the cup along the bars, trying to replicate a song playing in his head, but an iron cup banging against bars just didn't seem to match the wild guitar riff going off in his mind. He sighed, planting his forehead against the single wall of his cell he could see out of, staring at the equally dark wall across from him.

The first time he ended up there, the question of why Ponyville only had one jail cell crossed his mind. A few queries to the local guard revealed that Ponyville had such a low crime rate that money just wasn't needed to fund a jail, and that Luis was the first real menace in years. Of course, they were so afraid of him, they stopped calling him a menace after his fourth failed robbery. That laughing in my sleep is kind of annoying, though.