A Pony in Takistan

The sun shone high over the nearly barren terrain. The mountains of Takistan rose into the sky, covered in brush. Slowly, a large, metal machine rose up into the mountains on a narrow dirt road.

The driver of the Russian-build UAZ stared straight ahead, unblinking. Slowly, a grey dot appeared on a hillside, just enough to catch his attention. The grey dot swiftly turned red, however, as a 7.62x51mm round hit the gunner.

“Sniper!” The man said. He appeared outside the vehicle for a moment, before quickly being hit by another bullet from the sniper.

‘>HaDeZ556: Nice work, bro.’ A line of text said.

‘>JudgmentSupreme2: Wasn’t my fault the idiot came up the road alone. OPFOR should at least have a T-72 up by now, don’t you think?’ Another text replied.

‘>HaDeZ556: Judgment, switch to VON. I hate talking over Direct using text.’

Matthew let out a small sigh as he stared at the screen. He preferred text, but he just double-tapped CAPSLOCK to turn VON permanently on.

“What do you want, Leon?” Matthew said, after checking to see if his microphone was secure.

He heard a sigh come from the other end. “Why don’t you just call me Hades? I LIKE being called that. It sounds a lot better than Leon, anyway.”

Matthew grinned. “Well, Leon, I just do it to mess with you. Now come on, we need to get out of the area before those dorks come back with a Mi-24, or something heavier.”

“What kind of sniper do you even have, Matt?” He heard Leon ask.

“Let me check.” He responded, quickly tapping G to bring up the inventory. He moved the curser over the weapon before exiting out of it. “A M110. Fires a pretty fricken big bullet, in other words.”

“Sweet.” He heard Leon reply, before they quickly started moving again.

-=-=-

Five miniutes later, Matthew came across the top of a hill, looking down on a small village. Pressing M, he pulled up his map and checked the town name.

Nagara.

“Hey, Leon.” Matthew said.

The reply came seconds later. “Yea?”

Matthew closed his map. “We have a town coming up. Can you sweep the side of the road? I fuckin’ hate it when some hacker spawns an IED into the game.”

“Yea, Matt. Sure.” Leon replied.

They both ran down the hill, towards the trees at the edge of the road. Matthew quickly swept the trees with the sights of his rifle and, seeing no grey or red dots, slowly walked forward. Leon ran into the bushes, then slowly walked along the side of the road, checking for IEDs.

You see, hackers in multiplayer matches, when they appear, have the annoying tendency to spawn IEDs to troll players. They can be half the map away and detonate them, and keep track of where everyone in the game is with a playermarker hack. They needed to be found and either detonated via gunfire/explosions, or simply avoided. The latter option was easier, and the better choice.

“Nothing!” Leon called moments later over VON. Matthew gave a small note of thanks for that and started walking forward. There had been a hacker in the game recently. He had been kicked by the admin, but not before he had turned half the map into a shells cape with artillery hacks. Since this map only reset every 72 hours, the tiny in-game craters and blackened ground still remained. Plus the fact that every single push on the ground was knocked flat, and the southern airfield was completely out of commission.

Right now, they were headed to join the fight for the northern airfield. Whichever of the three teams that controlled it in this game would be able to completely dominate using fixed-wing aircraft. Helicopters could take off anywhere, but the really good stuff needed airfields.

Right on cue, an AI-controlled Su-34 flew overhead, on a long turn, headed for a bombing run for the airfield. Apparently, OPFOR was controlling it now, but for how long nobody could tell.

Suddenly, he saw he bushes to his right rustle a bit. Either that was generated ambient life, or someone had gotten much too close to him, and he would be dying momentarily. When none of that happened, however, he held shift and pressed in for a closer look.

Suddenly, a purple unicorn appeared.

Literally.

Matthew stared at the screen. A purple unicorn had just poked its head out of a bush. In ArmA 2. In a video game with absolutely no files for purple unicorns.

“Leon,” He said over direct. “You need to see this.”

Leon rushed over seconds later, stopping the second he saw it.

“What. The. Hell.” He slowly said.

“Hi!” The unicorn said.

“That’s weird.” Matthew said. “They can’t have in-game dialogue unless they are in the game files, and that’s impossible.”

“Oh, nothing’s impossible.” The unicorn said.

Matthew did another brain stutter.

“It just responded, Matthew.” Leon said blankly. “An impossible in-game generation just responded directly to what you said. That’s impossible.”

The unicorn seemed to turn to look at them, defying all the physics of the game engine at once with it. Whoever was fucking with them, they were good.

“What do you mean by in-game?” It said, sounding through their headsets in a distinctly feminine voice. Even then, Matthew couldn’t see the usual tag that indicated someone was using VON and broadcasting. Which was unheard of.

“Leon, I think it’s alive.” Matthew said slowly. “Either that or someone has way too much time on their hands.”

“Of course I’m alive!” The unicorn responded. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because this is a game! None of this is real.” Leon responded, feeling himself partially lose his grip on sanity. “Actually, you’re an impossibility. There are no game files for a unicorn, so this is either overactive hackers or the best prank by Steam or Bohemia ever done.”

“What do you mean by ‘files’ and ‘game’? Is this some sort of joke to you?” The unicorn demanded. Drawing their attention to another sheer impossibility. “I got teleported here by somepony, and all I’ve seen are a bunch of whatever you are wandering the area.”

“This is a video game. This world isn’t real. This game is on a computer, so everything in this is fake. Including you, however strange this is.” Leon said.

“Guys,” A voice said over direct. “Just shut the hell up.”

Matthew quickly checked the chat, coming up with the name ‘Deitrich Jager’ before it disappeared. Looking to his left, he saw a BLUFOR soldier appear out of the bushes.

“I saw what you were arguing about, and I have no theories.” He said. “I’ve checked the running game files several times over, and nothing but the normal spawns are appearing. No new files have been added, so something strange is going on.”

“How did you get admin access to look into the files anyway?” Matthew asked.

“I didn’t.” ‘Deitrich Jager’ replied. “I was using modifications.”

“So you’re the hacker!” Leon said with a bit of anger.

‘Deitrich Jager’ responded quickly. “Yeah, I am. And if you try to go to global with it, I will for one deny it, and then I will lock your game.”

Matthew sighed. Locking a game in multiplayer meant using a hack that prevented any mouse or button inputs in the game, causing you to need to either restart the computer, or manually shut down the process in task manager.

“Will somepony explain to me what is going on?” The unicorn demanded.

‘Deitrich Jager’ turned to it. “Something strange is going on, you’re not supposed to either exist in reality or in this game, and I know my hacks aren’t the problem.”

“What do you mean by ‘hacks’?” It asked.

“Illegal game modifications I use to troll players.” He smoothly replied.

“Can you explain to me what this ‘game’ is?” The unicorn asked. “I was just teleported here from the middle of Ponyville.”

Suddenly, everything became clear to Matthew. He remembered his friend joking about a show called ‘my little pony’ a while ago, and while he had never maintained an interest in it, he had acquired knowledge of it simply to troll his friend. And this unicorn was the one on the fucking cover.

“Leon, do you remember anything about a show called ‘my little pony’?” He asked his friend.

“Should I?” Was the reply, moments later.

Matthew sighed. “This is the main character of the series. I know a bit about it from a friend. This is either his fault, or fucking impossible. I don’t know which.”

The unicorn looked a bit stunned.

“I’m the character of some ‘show’ where you are?” It, now a she, replied.

“Yes.” Matthew deadpanned. “And now about the game: We are currently in a game called ArmA 2: Operation Arrowhead, on a map called Takistan. It’s a simulation of warfare, and we are playing it on a computer. Don’t ask for further clarification, because you won’t get any. Our characters are operated by a set of controls that we use to move, shoot, and do stuff.”

“I’m obviously real.” She replied.

“Yea, I noticed.” ‘Deitrich Jager’ said in a flat tone. “You don’t correspond to any game files, and therefore should not exist in the game, but you obviously do. You can interact with the environment, so we should take a bit of  care with that. Are you all up for an ‘escort’ mission?”

Matthew though about it for a moment. “Why the hell not? Ok, what are we going to use?” His moments of disbelief stopped the second talking ponies entered in-game. “And what should we call you, hacker?”

Said hacker sighed. “Just call me Mer. It’s easier to say than ‘Deitrich Jager’. Also, I can spawn us any weapon or vehicle in the game. Your choice, I know how to fly them all anyway.”

Matthew though for a moment. “Hmmm, how about a Mi-24?”

Leon could be heard facepalming over VON. “For Christ’s sake, Matthew. Why do you like the Mi-24 so much?”

Matthew grinned at his screen. “Because it has a gigantic MG on the nose, rockets, bombs, and assorted things on the side, has plenty of armor, is reasonably maneuverable, and has tons of cargo and people slots. Any questions?”

“No…” Leon replied slowly.

Suddenly, a Mi-24D appeared right in front of them. Literally right in front. The purple unicorn jumped back a bit at its appearance, while Matthew sprinted his character to the gunner’s seat. He quickly scrolled down on his menu and entered it, followed by ‘Mer’ entering the driver’s seat. Leon opened the cargo doors for their strange ‘guest’, and then scrolled down his list to enter a cargo seat. The unicorn rapidly got the idea, and simply hopped in.

“Hey, Judgment.” Mer said.

“Matthew is fine.” He interrupted.

“Right. Don’t you think it’s strange? We’re in an online modern FPS, escorting a living purple unicorn suddenly inside of a digital one. I’ve already put godmode around all three of us players-”

“What.” Matthew interrupted. “When did THAT happen?”

“The moment you decided to tag along. Anyway, don’t you think it’s a bit weird?”

“Hell yeah, I do.” Leon said from the back. “She doesn’t even have to enter the seats, while I’m stuck working with control bindings.”

“What are you even talking about?” He heard the faint voice of a certain purple unicorn say.

“Nothing!” Leon said back.

Matthew heard starting the engines up. The moment they were at full power, Mer lifted the helicopter off of the ground, banking for the airfield. Matthew almost smashed his head into the desk at the direction they were going.

“For fucks sake, Mer. Why are we headed to the airfield?” Matthew growled.

“Because it’s the only place on the map I can take off in a C-130.”

“Why the hell are we switching to a C-130?”

“High altitude? Low speed? Flares? Plenty of cargo room? ‘Why the hell not?’” Mer countered, mimicking Matthew‘s reaction to their self-appointed mission.

Matthew sighed in defeat. For all he knew, they were going to die and have to respawn, which would be a pain in and of itself. Put the weird purple talking in-game pony thing might not. They had no idea how to react to something at wasn’t in the game code to begin with, and still wasn’t.

To their left, a AH-1Z owned by BLUFOR streak in, closing behind them.

“What the hell are you three doing in a Mi-24!” They heard a player bark over global. “You’re going to get your asses shot down if you show up like that.”

“Not if I can help it…” Countered Mer.

A nearby OPFOR Mi-24D noticed their lone helicopter. It spun around, the pilot noticing the green tag that hung over what was apparently an enemy Mi-24.

Leon, meanwhile, had switch to third person view, and was looking around the outside. He suddenly grabbed his mike and yelled into it, “Guys! OPFOR helicopter to our left!”

Mer suddenly banked the helicopter to the right, sliding sideways. He ejected flares, and started to raise the nose.

“What are you doing, Mer! You trying to get us all killed?” Matthew demanded. “I can’t get a clear shot.”

Mer was annoyed. “Just trust me. I’ve done this plenty of times,.”

The nose rose, as Mer also have the helicopter more power. It rose in the air, gaining altitude, before starting to slide backwards. Mer quickly jammed the X key, causing the helicopter to turn to the left while sliding sideways and down, reversing their direction quickly. He quickly switched the weapon to the AT-2 missile (he had completely forgotten the in-game name at this point), point the aircraft at the enemy helicopter. Taking manual control of the rockets using the scroll menu, he ripple-fired two of the small missiles, both headed for the enemy Mi-24D.

The pilot of the other aircraft fired off two flares, hoping to distract the missile. But, since the AT-2 was unguided, this did nothing. One missiles while the other hit the OPFOR chopped head-on, heavily damaging it. The pilot swerved it through the air as Matthew opened fire with the GAU on the nose, the machinegun firing off bullet after bullet, most hitting their mark. A small explosion erupted and the Mi-24 exploded right before its pilot could press ‘eject’ on the scroll menu, the wreck tumbling to the ground, blackening as it hit.

“What is going on up there!” They heard the unicorn yell over the loudness of the rotors.

Matthew smiled. “Nothing much, we just took out an enemy chopper. Pilot’s dead, so they won’t be bothering us until they can scrape up the cash to buy another one at the airfield - if they even control it.”

The helicopter was silent once more as er banked towards the airfield, closing in on it quickly. Mer looked out the window in first person, and was unsurprised to see the wrecks of dozens of airplanes on the field, especially at the end of the runway. BLUFOR held it now, although that was a matter of opinion. Right as a A-10 Warthog was taking off, a Tunguska opened up on it, turning the aircraft into flaming wreckage within seconds.

“How are we going to get through that?” Matthew enquired.

“Simple.” Mer replied, “I’m going to back us up, and then bombard the airfield.”

Mer proceded to back the jet up, moving about 500 yards away from the airfield. They were about a thousand meters up as Mer circled the airfield, opening us his hack menu. He scrolled down the list of options and came down n the one that said ‘Artillery’. He clicked on it, and a map opened up. He clicked on a spot just south of the airfield.

Suddenly, about a thousand bombs spawned up in the air in a line, crossing the entire airfield. The explosions shook the screen slightly as almost every BLUFOR and OPFOR unit was eliminated.

“What the hell, Mer?” Matthew said.

“Airfield’s clear.” He replied.

Matthew saw them going down, with Mer landing on the northern end of the runway. They raced out of the helicopter, the purple unicorn shortly behind them. Mer quickly spawned a C-130 from the hack menu, the large aircraft popping up right in front of him, staring down the runway.

The unicorn looked a little shell-shocked at it, but Matthew wasted no time. He ran for the driver’s seat, quickly entering it via the scroll menu. Mer followed a second later, landing himself in the second seat beside the pilot. The purple unicorn simply walked on as Leon enter in, spawning n a back seat and switching to third person.

Matthew quickly started the engines using Q. The propellers spun up, as Matthew contemplated their plan. The rest of the team would hate him for abandoning the game to escort a fake unicorn from a TV series around, but what the hell, he was having fun over here. At what other time did you get to go around with a hacker and escort a completely fictional unicorn around in a video game?

He jammed the Q key, causing the C-130 to surge forward. They gained speed just as the first elements of both OPFOR and BLUFOR were arriving. A T-72 was almost right in front of them, about to blow them to pieces, before a shell from a M1A1 Abrams changed its mind.

They gained more and more speed, the battle erupting behind them again as both teams vied for control over the airfield. And with that, the nose lifted. The C-130 soared into the air, away from the airfield, headed towards the desert wastes east of Bastam.

Matthew rose higher and higher into the sky. He switched his attention back to the VON, and to Leon.

“Leon, is our guest secure?”

Leon switched back to first person and looked around inside the aircraft. Seeing the unicorn sitting in a seat, with the belt somehow around her, he sighed. He would never understand how it came to be in the game.

“It’s secure.” He replied.

Matthew banked the C-130 in a low circle. He couldn’t even see the ground now, the distance fog swallowing it up. He and the others were way up in the air now, safe from almost anything.

Almost.

Matthew suddenly spotted a red dot on the top-down radar. It was closing at a slight speed, signifying it was trying to approach them from behind. He looked behind him in third-person mode and held his breath.

“Well, at least we know OPFOR controls the airfield now.” Matthew muttered into the microphone, sending it through direct.

-=-=-

Behind them, at about a thousand meters, a player by the tag of SilentJoe6 tried to hold his distance. He had been on the top of a building overlooking the airfield, sniping at the BLUFOR forces with his SVD. He had also been recording the event for a video he was making soon.

When the artillery had flattened most of the town, missing his building, and then gone on to destroy all the forces on the field, he couldn’t believe it. The hacker was back! Shortly afterward, though, a helicopter had landed on the field. Out popped three BLUFOR soldiers. He was about to engage them, but what he saw next made him pause.

A fucking unicorn popped out.

Really.

Not just any unicorn, though. It was Twilight Sparkle, that unicorn from My Little Pony. He watched it occasionally with his little brother and, needless to say, he was a bit shocked.

As far as he knew, there were no unicorns in the game code. None. So either this was the best prank ever, or really series business. A C-130 spawning out of the air confirmed that the hacker was with them, probably the one who had been piloting the Mi-24D. They had quickly gotten in, including the unicorn somehow, and had lifted off as both BLUFOR and OPFOR returned to the fight.

Once OPFOR has secured the airfield, thanks to a T-72 rush along with two Mi-24s, he had quickly gone to the hanger and ordered up a Su-25, the only aircraft he could think of that could match speed with a C-130. He needed to see this up close, not through the view of a sniper.

So, after two miniutes of franticly chasing the distant view of the aircraft, he had finally caught up with it. He quickly typed out a message to them in global, and hoped they got it.

-=-=-

Seconds after spotting the Takistani jet, Matthew spotted a message in global.

‘>SilentJoe6: HaDeZ556, JudgmentSupreme2, either of you, skype my name.’

They were silent for a moment before Matthew butted in.

“Eh, what the hell. I’ll skype him, you two join. Mer, what’s your skype name?”

“MerCMP343.” He replied.

Matthew quickly pulled up skype, entering into a call with his friend Leon. Seconds later, Mer joined the called. He sent out an invitation to a user named SilentJoe6, causing him to enter seconds later.

SilentJoe6 wasted no time.

“For the record,” He said. “Just call me Joe.”

Matthew responded first. “I’m Matthew, HaDeZ is Leon, and MerCMP343 over there we just call Mer. What do you want, and why are you chasing us?”

Joe chuckled a bit. “I saw your takeoff, and the bit before with the purple unicorn. I either figure that you’ve got the best hacker in the world on your side - I know you have a hacker, anyway - or this is some sort of really strange event. I don’t know which.”

“So why are you chasing us down with a Su-25?” Leon said as they all maximized back into the game.

“Simple. I wanted to know if what I saw was real.”

Mer chuckled. “Of course it was. I’m the hacker, by the way. Also, I checked the game scripts. There’s nothing in there about a purple unicorn, and no running scripts to identify it. All I’m getting when it interacts with the environment are scripts saying that ‘unknown’ is doing it. She’s not in the game in any way, a complete unknown. And that’s kinda freaking me out a bit.”

“Any chance of landing in the southern area? I know a good-sized field south of Hazrotimam, which is slightly west of the southern airfield.”

“Sure.” Matthew replied to Joe. Although he was a bit wary of trusting someone who could blow them out of the sky in seconds, he hadn’t done that yet. Matthew settled in to a low bank, finally pulling up a few hundred feet off f the ground. He raised the nose slightly, bleeding off speed, then settled in on slowing down. He pressed Z occasionally before he brought the speed down lower. The large, mostly flat area was ahead of him. He was twenty feet off the ground, causing him to cut the engines with the scroll menu. He glided forward, quickly settling on the ground and slowing.

He came to a stop with about a hundred feet of room in front of him. Slowly, a Su-25 rolled past him as Joe slowed down, finally stopping a few hundred feet in front of them.

Joe ejected out of his jet. “Hey guys,” He said. “I’m going to put my weapons on the ground. Can you do the same?”

“Sure.” Matthew said.

Upon exiting, Joe pressed G and pulled up his inventory. He quickly double-clicked his SVD and his pistol, causing hem to drop. He did the same for his grenades and such, then exited out and looked at the others.

They had all dropped their weapons on the ground, the little weapons and pouches of ammo spreading out in small circles on the ground.

“So.” Matthew said, echoing their thoughts. “What now?”