Author's Note

These are Bloopers, skits, and just plain randomness to help ease your waiting while I write the next chapter! ENJOY!

Bloopers/Skits/Answers Oh my!: 4032 words of madness.

Chapter 9: Brilliant Escape

“Oh that is boring. Wouldn’t it be easier to just zap him with some spell and be done with it?” He asked, making Chad stop momentarily. He worried for a second before Celestia picked up on this.

“No, Discord. We still don’t know the effects of Magic on his system, body, or mind. One of the many tests we are going to have to go through.” She stated glaring at Discord before giving Chad a calming smile. He let out a pent up breath and caught up to the group.

“Once again... Boooorrrring.” Discord stated before settling down onto the ground and walking off in the opposite direction. “Have fun with your needles, horns, and spells. I have pranks to set and legs to pull. Toodles~!” And with a snap of his talons, he was gone in a puff of pink smoke. Letting out a somewhat pained and irritable sigh, Chad pinched the bridge of his nose.

A mild creaking noise stirred the group before they looked up to see discord hanging from one of the banners, one eye barely peeking from the edge. As Chad was looking up, he looked to Celestia and Sapphire, both of whom just shrugged.

“Wow…” Said one of the crew members. “That has to be the dumbest thing I’ve seen all day.”

“SSSSHHHHHH.... I’m hiding...” Discord muttered from behind the banner.

“Cut.” Said a very annoyed director.

{-}

Back Stage:

“CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!” Chanted the key grips and the pyrotechnicians. Currently one of their own was in a drinking contest with Chad. Why? To prepare Chad for his needle.

“Yoosh… don’ know nothin’ bout anythin’...” Slurred one of the Pyro’s, holding a bottle of jack daniels. His leather stetson was crooked and his eyes were red. He took another swig. “You know what…. You know what? I don’t!”

“Y-Youuuuu...” Chad began to slur, pointing a poorly coordinated finger at the pryo. “Youuuu! Are silleh! Silleh I sphay!”

“My mother never hugged me, ever! I don’t what know what it feels like to held by another human being…” The Pyro said, tearing up a bit. “I’m gonna die aloooooone!” he cried.

“Ah, coom’ere!” Chad threw an arm around the Pryo, giving him a sloppy hug.

“Don’t touch me mother fucker…” The pyro snapped. “I don’t need no pity from you…” He took another swig and tried to stand up.

“Ssshhhhh....” Chad began to shush before whispering. “It’ll be just between us...” Oblivious to everyone else in the room.

“I gotta drive home…” The pyro muttered, standing and immediately falling to the floor. “Waiter! Check please!”

“.... I lost my penguin....” Chad muttered sadly before falling to the side, unconscious. In the open door of the green room, watching the entire thing, was the rest of the cast in Smokey Arrival. From Celestia to Lyra, everyone was watching. Before anyone else could react, a certain Smexy pony burst into the room before declaring.

“LO AND BEHOLD! MY BALLSACK!” And he proceeded to stand on his hind legs and point to his crotch, grinning widely and wickedly. Every mare in the room stared for a moment, there was a loud *pomf* from the princesses and the pegasi while a little buzz was emitted from the unicorns. The pony soon dropped to his hooves before running out the room. As he left everyone heard him yell. “I FUCKING DID IT, SLEDGE! YOU OWE ME TWO BITS!”

A muffled response came in the reply of “By Faust, I was joking you moron.”

“D-Did.... Did that just happen?” Twilight murmured from the group by the door.

“Sure as shit did! Why are there four of you?” Said the nearly passed out Pyro.

{-}

Elsewhere:

“Do you think I traumatized anyone by doing that?” Smexy Sombra asked, peeling a banana and taking a chomp out of it.

“Oh no, Buck no. I mean you just exposed yourself to the princesses and most of the lighting and pyro crew for two bits and a banana.” Sledge replied sarcastically. “If anything, they should give you a medal. Now help me set up these explosives.”

Smexy just stared at Sledge for a moment before nodding with a smile. “Yeah... And it would say ‘Wasn’t afraid to show it!’ Totally worth it.”

“You didn’t hear a word I said, did you?”

“Huh? Sorry I was busy thinking about what to spend these bits on.” Smexy said, jingling the two bits in his hoof.

“You can’t even get a pack of gum for that…” Sledge deadpanned.

“Yeah, but now I can get a new videogame. I just needed two bits.” Smexy said with a toothy smile.

“So why didn’t you…”

“Ep ep ep ep..... There is no fun in prostitution.” Smexy said with a frown. “Seriously, its just me laying there for five minutes and then I get money thrown at me.”

“You know what, buck this! I’m gonna go and see if I can win that drinking contest.”

“Sooooo.... You don’t want to go shoot people and level buildings in Battlefield with me for the next hour or two?” Smexy asked tilting his head.

“Okay, three things wrong with that. A: No thumbs. 2: How? We don’t have an Xbox, and C: NO BUCKING THUMBS!”

“Shhhhh....” Smexy shushed, putting a hoof to his lips before raising his other hoof. “.... Magic.”

“AGH! IT GOT IN MY MOUTH!” Sledge proceeded to run around, slamming into poles and stands before nearly being crushed by a source 4 lighting instrument.

“.... Magic.” Smexy stated, waving his hoofs in front of his face.

{-}
Chapter 7: Smexy attacks once more.

Luna gave the human a confused nod before pointing to one of the stained glass windows before her horn lit up a small latch opened up a small window. As Chad felt the gentle breeze, he walked over and quickly opened the box and pulled out a cigarette and match. Luna watched him Curiously while Celestia rubbed her temples. Twilight let Chad calm his nerves while she nudged Celestia.

“What’s the matter?” She asked in a hushed tone. Celestia just groaned quietly before looking at her former student.

“I had forgotten about a few of- Does anyone else smell smoke?” Celestia asked looking around. Soon Chad came running by, somehow on fire. In the background, a Certain Smexy pony was giggling with a hoof over his mouth.

“AAAAAAHHHH! HEEELP ME!” Chad shouted as he began rolling on ground.

“WHAT THE BUCK DID YOU DO SMEXY!?” Sledge shouted loudly

“Nothing!” Smexy shouted, throwing his hooves in the air. It would have been believable if it hadn’t been for a bottle of lighter fluid flying from his hoof as he did so. He glanced at the bottle before pointing to the curtain. “It was the curtain’s fault!.... SMOKEBOMB!” He disappeared behind a plume of smoke before snoring was heard. As the smoke clear, Smexy was face first on the floor, passed out.

“WHY HASN’T ANYONE HELPED ME!?” Chad shouted as he continued to roll around.

“Shut up! Go jump in a lake or something!”

“Good lord... CUT!”

{-}

“Mmmo’way... Hib’rnating. Don’ disturrrrrb...” She moaned out as she swatted at Chad some more. Chad pursed his lips in irritation before they formed into a wicked grin. He tiptoed over to a desk and grabbed a quill from the table. Walking back over and twirled the tool of laugher in his fingers before brushing it against Sapphire’s underbelly. The effects were almost immediate.

Sapphire’s claw shot out in a fist and slammed into Chad’s face, a loud crack echoed through the room as Chad’s nose broke and he flew into the wall.

“Oh shit!” shouted Sledge and the other crew members.

“Jebus... That was awesome!” Smexy shouted bouncing in the air.

“Why did we hire this guy again?” One of the crew asked.

“What did I do!?” Sapphire cried, horrified.

“Ah phink my phaw iph faphered.” Chad slurred out.

“What? I don’t speak idiot.” Sledge asked, looking at the battered human.

“His jaw is broken.” Smexy whispered to him.

“You speak idiot fluently, don’t you?”

“Ten years of training!” Smexy said pridefully.

“Can... Can we just stop filming?” The director asked.

{-}

After shooting:

“And so I told her, that if it was illegal she should have told me before hand.” Smexy stated with a nod.

“I’m sure she did…” Sledge said, rubbing his temples.

“Oh come on, I doubt it was. I mean all I was doing was having a rave.” Smexy stated, waving a dismissive hoof.

“In her refrigerator?” Asked one of the other crew members.

“Do you question my methods?” Smexy asked, pausing only a moment. “Don’t answer that.”

“What were you hired for again?”

“Oh I am the guy who helps Chad calm down.” Smexy said shrugging. “I usually tell him a joke or something.” Ignoring the disbelieving looks he got as they walked, Smexy smiled before beginning. “Like this one. What happens when a Dragon punches a guy in the face?”

“I don’t know, what?” Sledge asked, stopping in front of the green room. Smexy gave Sledge a smile. The kind of smile that is both Smug, knowing, foreboding, and completely shit eating. With one swift motion he kicked the door open, revealing a certain activity between a human and a dragon. I mean sex. They were having sex, and I don’t mean the lovey dovey stuff, I mean the hardcore “Balls to the walls” stuff you don’t even see on porn sites. The sound of skin and scales slapping was loud enough to be measured on the richter scale and gain at least a three.

That kind of sex.

“Make up sex!” Smexy said with a huge smile.

“MY EYES!” Sledge shouted, running around again and crashing into a wall. “HOW DOES THAT EVEN FIT IN THERE!?”

“Aaaah... I love showbiz.”

“SMEXY, WHAT THE FUCK!?” Chad shouted.

“Can I kill him, please say I can kill him.” Sapphire asked.

“I’ll hide the body…” Sledge moaned into the floor.

“La-bibbida-bibba-dum, La-bibbida-bibba-do!” Then Smexy clapped his hooves together before saying. “And that’s how you do it on broadway.”

{-}

As Celestia said that, Chad stopped chewing on the piece of toast he was eating and turned a tad green. It cleared up as he finished his food and began sipping on his coffee to help ease his stomach. Rainbow Dash looked at him before nudging him with her elbow. “Hey, what’s with you? Don’t like tests or something?” She asked, taking a large bite out of her breakfast as she finished. Chad shook his head.

“No, no. It’s just needles.” He said, shuddering slightly at the word. “I hate needles.”

“I HATE SMEXY!” Shouted a voice from out of view, all of the cast nodded.

“But don’t you all see!?” Smexy shouted running in front of the camera. He pulled a hoof to his chin before pulling off a mask to reveal... Himself. “I AM SMEXY!”

“We know dipshit.” Sledge deadpanned.

“Oh.... Well then I have one thing to say.” Smexy said with a stoic voice. He promptly stood on his hind legs and pointed to his crotch before shouting. “LO AND BEHOLD! MY BALLSACK!”

*pomf*

*bzzt*

“OH GOOD GOD! CUT!”

{-}

Alright, thanks for sticking with me through all this madness, and I hope you enjoyed the Shenanigans! Also, I would like to thank my friend Alex Mason (AKA Sledge) for helping me out with this set of Bloopers. And with that in mind, I have a few questions asked by the fans to the characters. So let’s begin shall we?

{-}

The cast of Smokey Arrival all sat down on couches and chairs placed in the Throne Room. Everyone was gathered around while Smexy Sombra walked out and waved at the Camera.

“Hello, everyone! I am here to ask your Questions to the viewers and get this over with so everyone can go home and forget about the day!.... Well, until they see what they put themselves through.” Smexy said, giving a shit eating grin before pulling out a set of cards. “Alright... Let’s see what we have here. The first set is from AkumaBlueClown!” He sorted them out before turning to Chad.

“Okay Chad, let’s get down to it! His first question!” Smexy began. “If you have to choose between Twilight's, Rarity's or Saphire's Flank which will you get?”

“.......... Uhm, they kinda know that one already.” Chad said, blushing and scratching the back of his head while Sapphire glared at Smexy.

“They sure do... Next Question!” He tossed one of the cards into the air. “If Fluttershy comes to you and ask YOU to be the father of her foals, will you accept?” Everyone’s jaws dropped and a certain pegasus fell to the ground unconscious.

“God damn it, Smexy.” Sledge groaned off to the right.

“Hey, I didn’t make these questions this BlueCrown guy did.” Smexy stated.

“Uhm.... Uuuh... Yes?” Chad said unsure, looking around. He was soon punched in the abdomen by Sapphire, whom glared at him. He coughed, putting a hand to his mouth as he felt himself vomit slightly. “I mean no...”

“Okie Dokie!” Smexy chucked the card off somewhere. “Oh this one isn’t sexual! Have you ever think what would you do when you are out of cigarettes? also Have you thought about how will you charge your cell phone?”

“Well... They still have pipes here and tobacco, so I can do that. As for my phone?.... No idea.” Chad said shrugging.

“Next Question; Tell me your 5 favorite bands and favorite music genre?” Smexy asked.

“Eh.... Evanescence, Van Canto, Skillet, Lindsey Stirling is a good artist... Aaaand Da Vinci’s Notebook is pretty awesome.” Chad said before rubbing his chin. “And Acapella, rock, and instrumental would be the top three.”

“Fair ‘Nuff. Second to last... Tits or Ass?” Smexy asked, a big grin on his face.

“.... Ass.” Chad said, facepalming.

“GOD DAMN IT, SMEXY.” Sledge and the director grunted out.

“Whaaaaaaat? It was your guys’ idea!” Smexy whined, tossing the asked questions at them before turning back to Chad. “Final question to Chad, Five hundred bits if you kiss Pinkie or One Thousand if you take your clothes (all) for the rest of the Q/A.”

Chad blinked looking at the group, then to Pinkie, then to Sapphire before saying. “Pinkie I guess, at least there I don’t traumatize anyone. Like you...” In that moment, he was tackled off the couch by the pink mare, both of them falling behind the couch. After a moment Pinkie hopped back to her seat while Chad shakily stood up, his entire appearance looking completely confused. “What... Just happened...”

“Okay! Next one to Rarity! Tell what is your favorite part from Chad's anatomy?” Smexy asked, once again gaining his trademark smile. There was a pair of smacks off screen. Rarity could only blush until she was redder than a cherry.

“U-Uhm... Pass?” She said unsure.

“.... It’s his penis isn’t it.” Smexy said with a blank expression. “There a theme happening with this guy’s questions.”

“GOD DAMN IT SMEXY!” Now the key grips were joining in.

“Alright, this one is to Applejack! Would you be interested in a three way with Chad and Rarity?” Smexy read off the card, he stopped for a moment before mouthing ‘3... 2... 1...’

“GOD DAMN IT SMEXY!”

“There it is!” Smexy said happily before looking expectantly to Applejack.

“..........” Applejack was simply glaring at Smexy and blushing fiercely.

“It’s yes. Definitely a yes. I mean, I felt those vibrations from earlier all the way in my car.” Smexy said, flipping the cards.

“You don’t have any fingers, how do you drive?” Asked one of the security guards.

“How do YOU Drive a car with fingers!? Hmmm!?” Smexy shouted, off screen almost every crew member put there head in their palms, hooves, or claws. “Yeah... Didn’t think you had a response.”

“Oh my fucking god is he dumb.”

“NEXT QUESTION!” Smexy shouted, tossing the cards in the air, plucking the nearest one from the air. “Pinkie.... What would you do if Chad becomes your special somepony?”

“I WOULD-” Pinkie began before the Camera cut out. It started back up again with everyone in the room either snoring or on the brink of passing out. “-PANCAKES!”

“My god…” a voice said off screen. “It’s over! IT’S FINALLY OVER!”

“Shut up, Jerry!... I am trying to sleep...” Smexy muttered, waving a hoof in the air. Sledge wandered into frame for a moment, and poked Smexy a few times, then smiled wickedly and delivered a hard punch to his face.

“OH MY~!” Smexy shouted as he woke up, his head shooting up.

“Who is he? George Takei?” Asked the director.

“What a dream... I didn’t think that Pixie Sticks could be used that way.” Smexy blinked and rubbed his eyes

“Get on with it.” Said the Director.

“Yes! Get on with it!” Shouted Sledge

“YES GET ON WITH IT!” Shouted the rest of the crew, waving their equipment in the air.

“PINKIE! What’s the kinkiest dream you have had with creamy frosting?!” Smexy shouted over everyone. Pinkie took in a massive breath as everyone’s expressions fell. Once more, the Camera cut out. As it turned back on, the Camera was turned on its side, several pieces of furniture were turned over. Someone picked up the Camera and showed the room. It was in total chaos. Except for where Smexy sat. “.... Pffft, that’s a monday for me.” And once more the Camera turned off. As it came back on, everything was back in order, aside from Pinkie missing from the room.

“God… Damn… It… Smexy…” Said the raspy voice of the director and Sledge.

“Not my fault.... Although it was funny. Especially the part with the lawnmower and apricots.” Smexy said smiling. “This one is to Twilight!”

“Oh god...” Chad muttered.

“Tell me what you consider the 3 most amazing things you have found out from human technology AND History? Three from each.” Smexy asked.

“It’s a legitimate question…” Sledge said, shocked. “THERE IS A GOD!”

“Uhm.... His phone, those Computers he told me about, and the cars I guess. And with history... Their evolving society, the American civil war, aaand... Rome.”

“Yay! And these are all gone!” Smexy shouted before glancing at the questions. “Wait a minute....”

“How on god’s green earth did you get out of your cage!?” A new voice shouted out. Smexy let out a ‘Eeep’ before trying to run. Soon a man wearing a tan Beanie a checkered grey and black hoodie, and jeans ran in, the Author as we shall call him, and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck. “Good god, I can only imagine what you have been doing.” Sledge and the rest of the crew began to chuckle, then laugh hysterically. “He showed you his balls didn’t he?”

*pomf**bbzt*

“Eeyup.”

“Thank you, Big Mac... Wait, what are you doing here?” The Author asked.

“I have a masters in theatre arts…” Big Mac replied, sighing slightly.

“Oh... Well good for you. Anyway....” The Author grabbed a small stack of questions and looked over them before nodding. “Give me just a second.” He promptly turned towards the exit and dropped-kicked Smexy out of the theatre. “Now then... On with the Q’n’A!”

“Damn... He got some air...” Sapphire muttered looking out the door.

“I don’t think he’s landed yet…” Sledge added, there was a distant *thud* “There it is.”

“Okay, these last four by BlueCrown are for me! Wonderful.” The Author walked over and simply sat down on the couch before pointing to the Podium where Smexy was at. “I would burn that, and the first question is; There would be more music during the story? Cause that would be fun. There may be and there may not, I just need to find a situation in where I can use it.”

“Is anyone else just waiting for the Sex question to pop up?” The Director asked.

“I’’m already taking advil for the face hoof.” Sledge groaned.

“Next one is: Please tell me you haven't choose Sapphire as his love interest jet? Do the ponies will get a chance with Chad?” The Author looked to the Camera with shit eating smile. “You will just have to wait and see. Remember things that happen off set, stay off set.”

“Phrasing, boom!” Smexy’s pain filled voice carried.

“Third question...” The Author began, ignoring the deranged pony version of himself. “There would be any villain? Old one or OC? Maybe... I do have several ideas in store for our human friend.”

“Wait what?” Chad asked, leaning forward and looking to the Director.

“Final question; Will there be any Trixie.” The Author looked off for a moment before Shrugging. “I dunno know. Maybe. Possibly.” The Author looked at the cards before tossing them behind himself. “And that’s it for those. But wait, theres more!” The Author pulled out several more questions from his pocket.

“Joy.” Sledge muttered.

“Lupus asks Sapphire; What are the courtship practices of the dragons?” The Author asked. Sapphire hummed for a moment before beginning to speak.

“Well often times its just who ever is the strongest usually mates. Other times its actual love, others its just stress relief. Not too complicated really. A lot of the time two females will actually fight for a male and that usually ends up in a three way, sometimes its two males for one female, but that is rare.... Like I said, its not too complicated.” Sapphire stated, shrugging. “Its dragon parenting that gets complicated.”

“Well, that is... Enlightening.” The Author muttered crumpling the paper and chucking it away. “Next questions are from Alex Mason, get on set you senile mother fucker!” A man wearing a pair of jeans, combat boots, an avenged sevenfold shirt and a beanie walked on stage.

“What the fuck dude, I was sleeping! It’s two in the morning.”

“And I was busy with things, your point?”

“I was asleep. I was not doing anything. I was enjoying life.”

“Well life is not worth living, so sit down and ask your questions.” The Author said, kicking a chair over to him.

“You’re a depressing mother fucker, you know that?” Alex sat down and sighed. “Okay… Do you plan on writing a sequel to this story?”

“Mehbeh.” The Author said putting his chin in his hands.

“Are you gonna reimburse me for the gas money it took to get here? Cause driving from the US to Equestria takes a long fucking time.”

“I took a plane.” The Author stated, leaning back in his seat.

“That plane?” Alex asked, pointing at the plane sticking through the ceiling.

“Yup....”

“Okay… I’m goin’ to bed.”

“There’s a bed in the green room.” The Author said with a smile.

“Okay…” Alex said, tiredly. He walked off screen, and the author began to countdown. As he heard a door open and then close, he counted to three on his his fingers before the door was flung off its hinges.

“THIS ROOM REEKS OF SWEAT AND SHAMELESS SEX!” Alex shouted. “Also tacos…”

The Author let out a loud roar of laughter before standing up, picking up a battered and still smiling Smexy from the ground before shouting. “AND THAT’S IT! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!”

The cast, crew, director, and eve Alex all walked into frame and began to wave at the camera, each shouting their goodbyes to the camera. One by one they left until it was just Smexy, The Author, and Alex.

“Seriously though, I need gas money…” Alex said, watching them all go home for the night. The lights turned off and he was left standing there. “Please…” He looked around. “I don’t like being alone…” The only response he got was a loud roar of static.

“Oh fuck…” He said, terrified.