Nostalgia is Witchcraft – Twilight Sparkle Must Die
As written by Joseph Raszagal
Prologue – EXPOSITION!
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“What in hootin', hollerin' tarnation is goin' on here?” Applejack demanded as Rarity ushered her into Sugarcube Corner.
“I don't have a clue,” Rainbow Dash announced at incredible volume from a few feet just above her head, “but when Pinkie called me I dashed here as fast as I could rainbow!”
“Of course ya did,” the melon farmer deadpanned, rolling her eyes. “Got anythin' better for me, Benedict Arnold?”
Shaking her head, Rarity sighed, “Afraid not. I suppose we're going to have to wait for Pinkie to stop chanting and dancing in circles around that cauldron over there.”
“Oh, don't mind me, I'm just making soup!” the pink pony chirped. “Anyway, Fluttershy and I summoned you all over here because we have a plan!”
“A plan to do what exactly?” Rarity inquired, a wary look in her eyes.
“A plan to stop Twilight from destroying the world,” answered a quiet voice from another room. “I mean, if that's okay with everypony else of course.”
“Now hold on a cotton-pickin' minute,” Applejack retorted, stamping a hoof, “ain't that exactly what y'all been tryin' to do?”
Hiding behind her mane, Fluttershy joined the others and weakly protested, “Um, well, I've just been following the prophecy that the voices in my head~
“Nonsense, Cult Leader Fluttershy, you don't have to defend yourself against the accusations of such criminal churl.”
“Yer lucky Ah had to dismantle the labor camp back on the farm.”
“Please, you couldn't keep a POW behind bars for more than ten seconds without them escaping.”
“Ah never had an escapee, Lil' Miss Traitor.”
“Then whatever happened to them all, darling?”
“Applejack told me they went on vacation,” answered Apple Bloom brightly, smiling as she trotted into the bakery and closed the door behind her. “A really, really long vacation, right?”
“Ah thought Ah told you to wait with Big Macintosh,” the filly's elder sister responded, “an' yeah, a vacation... to the sun.”
“But Ah though only Princess Celestia could send ponies on trips to the sun,” Apple Bloom commented, scratching the back of her head with a hoof.
“Not if ya got an incinerator,” the orange farmer muttered to herself before clearing her throat and grabbing everypony's attention. “But enough reminiscin' 'bout fonder times, Fluttershy, would y'all an' the pink sorceress care to explain to the rest of us just what in the name of rattlesnake metaphors is goin' on?”
“I'm goin' on,” I answered, trotting around the corner I'd been hiding behind. “The name's Joseph Raszagal, it's a pleasure to meet you... I think.”
“Yep yep, it's always a pleasure to meet new ponies, even if they weren't ponies before!” Pinkie Pie cheered. Though she had some skeletons of her own in her closet, it was good to know that at least one of the girls still had some enthusiasm and joy in them. “Fluttershy and I opened up a portal to another world so we could get somepony to help us out with Twilight!”
“Okay, y'all clearly mean that danged book she's been usin' to bring 'bout the end of days,” Applejack sighed. “An' here Ah'd been spendin' mah time tryin' to accept our imminent doom.”
“You're all smiles and sunshine,” I remarked, rolling my eyes.
“She can't help it, her mother dropped her on her head,” Rarity added, winking at me.
Oh no. No no no.
I'm not taking sides between the two of them.
“Changing the subject,” I quipped, spinning on my rear legs until I was facing Fluttershy, “what exactly would you like me to do? You sort of ripped me from my computer screen while I was in the middle of something. This right now, actually. The smartest thing you could have done was just open the portal and ask me to stop writing while I was still there with the power to... uh... write this.”
Jumping between us, Pinkie Pie answered, “If we would have kept the portal open, it would have torn apart the fabric of reality and spun out of control, tearing apart the fabric of every reality until none were left not torn!”
“Oh, of course. Well, why can't you just take me back?”
“Because you're stuck here forever now!”
Again, of course.
“We, um, we theorized that because you're the writer, you might be immune to Twilight's book,” the world's most adorable cult leader supplied, scuffing the floor with a hoof as she spoke. “If you're not, then the first thing we'll need to figure out is who Twilight will want to ship you with.”
Excuse me?
“Are you awesome? If you're awesome, she can ship you with me, I won't mind! I like riding ships anyway!” Rainbow Dash blurted out, smiling wide.
“Uh, sure,” I retorted, turning to face Applejack and Rarity again. “Does anyone have some crayons or something for her to occupy herself with?”
“Sadly, no,” Rarity answered, “she keeps trying to eat them.”
“The red ones taste like cherries!”
“Of course they do, darling.”
Feeling like a headache was well on its way, I sighed and asked, “So, shipping... Any ideas from the rest of you as to who she'll try to pair me up with?”
“What's yer preference?”
“Uh... I'm... gay...?”
“Whoa nelly, that ain't good.”
“Hey, watch it there~
“Not what Ah meant, partner,” the lemon farmer continued, shaking her head. “Twi's been lookin' fer a third wheel to add to her marriage with her brother. A stallion.”
Oh...
Oh fuck.
“I'm screwed, aren't I?” I questioned, sitting down as my legs gave out and staring off into space.
“Pretty much,” Applejack answered, placing a hoof on my shoulder.
“And maybe not just metaphorically!” Pinkie provided, still smiling anyway.
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Author's Notes: Written because the idea came to me and I couldn't focus on my other stories while it was still bouncing around inside my head. I plan on completing it, but it won't receive the majority of my attention, so don't expect new chapter releases to be happening every other Tuesday, yo.
