The Science Chronicles

“Last I heard, the yellow pony was hanging around Stalliongrad, on some sort of ‘top secret espionage mission’ or something,” Pinkie told Twilight. “I don’t know the details, but she’s right here, in Moosecow.”

Fluttershy nearly jumped out of her coat, which, incidentally, she wasn’t currently wearing, for whatever reason. She may have also let out an annoying shriek. “P-P-Pinkie? What in Equestria — or, in this case, not in Equestria — are you doing here?” She did a double-take, checking to see if the enemy had spotted her. It didn’t appear so. “How did you find me? This was meant to be TOP SECRET!” she whispered — rather loudly, considering that she was whispering.

“Yellow pony, Pinkie isn’t the only one here. It’s-a me! Sparklio!” Twilight added, while spinning around superfluously.

“Sparklio? Oh, wow! I haven’t seen you for 28 years and 2 days!” Fluttershy exclaimed ecstatically. “It almost feels like it’s been 28 years and 3—”

“Yes, well… let’s get right to business,” Twilight interrupted. “I wish to perform an experiment on you.”

“An experiment…? What for?”

“Why, for Science, of course!” Twilight proclaimed.

“But what relevance does Science have in today’s world?” Fluttershy asked in utter incredulity. “Everything has already been discovered!”

“Oh. Shut up, I wanna experiment on you. My last 4 experiments at least went off without a hitch.”

“… resulting in how many deaths?”

“… one, two…” Twilight began counting on her fingers, “… sixteen! See how well they worked?”

“YOU KILLED SIXTEEN PONIES?! HOW COULD YOU?” Fluttershy asked under her breath, like always.

“Science!”

Fluttershy quickly discovered that she had been discovered by the enemy, due to all of the loud whispering she was doing, after being hit in the side by a luckily aimed bullet.

The balloon exploded, sending milk everywhere.

Twilight and Pinkie stared on in confusion. “YELLOW PONY!!!” they yelled, shocked.

“It’s okay! I have plenty more where that came from!” Fluttershy said as she emerged from a nearby bunker of some sort.

“YELLOW PONY!!!” Twilight and Pinkie yelled in relief.

“I already told you! It’s fine.” Fluttershy smiled sweetly. “I am able to construct these… constructs… made out of rubber, using my Devil’s Fruit power from the LDPE LDPE fruit.”

“Woooow…” said Pinkie and Twilight in unison.

“After that, I can fill them up with milk and then manipulate them, using my life force, or Nen.”

Twilight had suddenly become sceptical. “Okay, okay. Nen? Stop talking crap and tell us what’s really going on!”

“No, it’s really true! Before I became a professional Hunter, I had to pass a secret exam by learning Nen!” Fluttershy seemed to deflate a little. “Admittedly, though, I did use a bit of Haki to sway the judges.”

“Oh, shut up. I want to experiment on you NOW!” Fluttershy ‘eeped’. “Obviously this isn’t your real body, so tell us where you are!”

“Yeah, yellow pony!” teased Pinkie, with an angry face which almost rendered her unrecognizable, sporting a mysterious sombrero.

“Never!” Fluttershy grew massive and her legs stretched, carrying her into the distance. “I bet I have a higher bounty than you! You’ll never catch me alive!”

Then she was gone.

“Dammit! Now we’ll have to find her on our own!” Twilight seethed. “I’mma gonna cut her up sooo bad!”

* * *

On their adventure into the enemy’s military encampment, Twilight and Pinkie ran into an array of enemy soldier meese. Twilight crushed every one effortlessly, and now she was starting to get bored.

“Come oooon! Universe, give me something good to kill!”

The Universe was a little taken aback by this, but nonetheless heeded Twilight's request. "Okay. Have a Super Mutant Behemoth."

"Umm..." Twilight shuddered, thinking of the last time she had seen one of these bastards; it had killed her entire family. Naturally, she fell into an unnecessarily long flashback:

~X o X~

"Honey, I told you already: I won't let you keep your damn hats in MY HOUSE! ... Yes! Even if there are only two of them! ... OH SHUT UP! I DON'T CARE IF THEY COST YOU 5000 BITS! To be honest, I don't even love you anymore! I could never let you keep your property here if I had no reason! ...  OH, FUCK YOU!" Father Sparkle slammed the cell phone on the table, startling both Twilight and Mother Sparkle. "Oh, sorry."

"Honey, who was that?"

"Oh, just a telemarketer. I can't stand them! Always ringing you on the phone here and there! Why don't they ever learn that you're just NOT INTERESTED?" Father Sparkle sat down on the tram seat and tore all of his hair out. "You know what? I should prank them next time. Maybe give them a taste of their own medicine. Heh heh."

*ring ring*

"GIVE ME A BREAK!" Sparkle picked up the phone again, taking a voluminous breath.

"Hello, Mr. Father Sparkle. I am a representative of the National Gov—"

"OOOOH!!! YOU'RE NOT A TELEMARKETER!!! WHAT A RELIEF!!!" Sparkle shouted as loud as was physically possible for his body. The energy being emitted was enough to deafen — neigh, blind — nearby tram commuters. It was, in fact, so loud that his own muzzle was torn apart, leaving a mushy red manifold in which several misaligned teeth were embedded.

"Oh, honey. Why do you do that all the time? You know it just obliterates your face," said Mother Sparkle, as she spat at his face.

Outside the tram, there was a mediocre crashing sound — some ponies would probably say it sounded more like an explosion, which didn't really fit the event following it.

"Ephcuve me, phomeone'v knockin' on va doow."

At the opposite end of the tram, a massive green human covered in weapons and spikes could be seen tearing tram carriages away from the chain and devouring them with extreme prejudice. It was pretty slow, which was irritating, but it finally made it to the carriage which contained Twilight and her family (which doesn't include Shining Armor, since he was adopted).

"HULK SMASH!"

"Aaaahhh! Aaahh! Aah! Aaaaaaaahhhh!" said the Sparkles.

The Super Mutant Behemoth picked up the tram carriage and dropped it down his giant gullet, straight into its stomach. Shockingly, the mixture of hydrochloric acid and various enzymes, including amylase, contained masses of rosebushes, which tore the tram carriage to pieces, crushing every living being inside.

"Aw shit, I gone and died, didn't I?" said the red unicorn.

~X o X~

When Twilight came to, she wished she hadn't been so susceptible to flashbacks.

Promptly, she repeated the exact same flashback.

"Dammit!" By the time she had properly regained consciousness, the Super Mutant was nowhere to be seen. Pinkie burped, splattering bits of gore on the ground. "Ha! Nice!"

"Indeed. 'Twas far too significant an event for my primitive brain to process," noted Pinkie.

"Well, now that that bullcrap is out of the way, we'd better make a move."

"The yellow pony is a pegasus, so she's probably up high somewhere."

"Jeez, you too? Why are ponies falling for all these silly stereotypes?" Twilight asked, shaking her head.

* * *

Twilight and Pinkie found Fluttershy at the top of the tallest tower in the universe.

"Shut up, Pinkie."

"Oh no! You found me!" said Fluttershy, cheesily cowering in the corner of the room.

"Of course we did. Yellow is the most obvious colour in the world."

"But... no-one has ever encroached upon my range before..."

"Range? I think you mean domain..." Twilight pointed out, helpfully.

"No, my house is more on the Y axis than on the X axis, so it's actually range."

"Very well," Twilight breathed out heavily. "The only use you have for me now, in terms of experimentation, is that you may be tortured so that I can analyse the consistency and attributes of your blood." She pulled a large (at least), chrome barrel from her pocket.

"What... what is that?" asked Fluttershy.

Twilight pressed a large red button located on the top of the chrome oddity, causing a multitude of weapon-shaped devices to emerge from its depths: a weapon visually similar to a harpoon gun, five harpoon-shaped munitions, a large hunting knife with a broad outer curve and a serrated edge on the inner curve, a set of seven whips, from one with a small, conical point to one with a large, stellated polyhedral piece of metal attached its end, and a 'sword' with a brutal amount of heavily serrated 'blades', all of which seem to intersect at the center axis.

"Twilight... w-what are those... for?" asked Fluttershy, who was slowly going into shock.

"Why, you, of course!" Twilight picked up the smallest whip and flailed it around a bit. "Want a taste?"

"Twilight, please don't—" Fluttershy was interrupted by a swift snap of the whip, which nicked her face, leaving a minor bruise and eliciting a small squeal from her.

"There; how does that taste?" Twilight teased, running the end of the whip over her tongue.

"P-painful... ow..."

"Painful? Is that all? You want something tastier? How about this?" As Twilight ended her sentence, she dropped the small whip to the ground, picking up the large, morningstar-like whip, before twisting the grip upwards in front of Fluttershy's face and slamming the spiked ball into her stomach, which caused her to lurch backwards slightly.

Fluttershy bent over, almost losing her footing — or 'hoofing', get it? — and coughed up a small amount of a creamy white fluid.

"Oooh, what's this?" Twilight asked, levitating a drop of the fluid up to her mouth to taste it. "Milk? Is that it?"

Fluttershy didn't say anything.

"Giving me the silent treatment, eh? I'll fix that!" Twilight lifted the flail above her head and started spinning it around at a reasonable rate, before giving it a small burst of momentum and allowing the mace to connect with Fluttershy's bruised cheek, smashing her lower jaw.

Fluttershy remained silent for a few seconds, then looked up at Twilight, and seemed to gain a will to survive, or at least to escape. She managed to get three words out: "I'll stop this!".

Before she could act, however, she found she had been levitated about a foot into the air, and Pinkie was aiming a large object at her, with a spiked hook at the end. "NO!!!" the battered yellow pegasus screamed.

Pinkie fired a harpoon at Fluttershy, hitting her in the left rear leg, dragging her body across the room in order to pin her to the wall in an awkward position, leaving a long trail of milk. "Hah! Bull's eye!"

"P-Pinkie, please don't—" Fluttershy found that she had been hit again, this time in the right front leg, moving her body into a slightly more natural position, splattering the wall. Fluttershy screamed.

"Aww, is it getting to be a bit too much for you, yellow pony?" Twilight teased again, laughing at Fluttershy. "Well, there's more whence that came!"

"Tw-Twilight..."

"Yes, say my name!"

"Twiiilight..."

Twilight took the harpoon gun-like weapon from Pinkie and nailed the pathetic pegasus' remaining legs to the wall. Fluttershy flapped her wings as some sort of fight or flight response, before stopping. She had her head plastered to the wall and whimpered in pain.

"Yep, that's what I like to hear!" Twilight said, dropping the gun. She picked up her super-sword and smacked it across Fluttershy's head, stripping some of the flesh, which caused her to start bleeding milk on the floor again. Her head fell from its position against the wall, instead hanging around lazily, facing in Twilight's general direction. Her eyes blinked arrhythmically.

Twilight was on a roll. She aimed the point of the sword at Fluttershy's belly and thrust, easily piercing the flesh and embedding itself through Fluttershy's digestive system, creating a massive hole through which it could emerge, and into the wall to which she was presently stuck. Twilight let out another loud laugh, before letting go of the sword and picking up the hunting knife. She violently stabbed Fluttershy's torso 17 times, forcing her to start vomiting both what she had eaten and the inexplicable amount of milk stored in her body. Twilight decided to dispose of the knife by solidly shoving it down into Fluttershy's ribcage, so that it wouldn't move.

Fluttershy coughed and vomited again. "Fwweerrrgghh..." she pointed out.

"Pinkie, finish her off, will you?"

"Will do!" Pinkie said cheerfully. She picked up the harpoon gun and noted the warning message: 'WARNING: DO NOT AIM AT FACE.' She thought for a second and decided, "Meh, what difference is one time gonna make?" She proceeded to carefully aim the weapon directly at Fluttershy's head and fired.

Fluttershy could see everything that was happening, the moment Pinkie pulled the trigger, the inconceivable amount of pain, the profuse bleeding and the puddle it had created. "Awww..." The harpoon made its way to her face, inch by inch. "Nooo... stoooop thissss..." It was more clearly moving towards her lower jaw: a weak spot. "You don't have to—" she got out, before the munition touched her chin, deflecting her face. It went further into Fluttershy's upper neck, its route being slightly modified by the collision, and travelled straight through her brain, blasting it apart and killing her, before shattering her skull and, yet again, splattering the wall with a large deposit of milk.

"It was nice to see you again... yellow pony," Twilight said simply, leaving the room with Pinkie following closely behind her.

"See you next time!"