The Science Chronicles

Applejack, Pinkie and Twilight arrived at the Rainbow Dash’s house in New Cloudsdale (because the previous Cloudsdale was destroyed due the the sudden expansion of the planet). The Rainbow Dash was busy tuning up her Cadillac Super Rainbow Dash Sports Edition. It was exactly the same as a normal Cadillac, except for the fact that the Rainbow Dash owned this one.

“Hey, Rainbow Dash!” helloed Pinkie.

“Hay? Where? I’M FUCKING HUNGRY!!! OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM…” The Rainbow Dash began flying towards the group with feverish hunger in her eyes, as well as her stomach.

“Whoa, whoa, whooooaaa!!! Calm down, ya crazy nincompoop!” requested Pinkie. “We’re only here to perform an experiment on you.”

“AN EXPERIMENT?! COOOOOOOOOOL!” droned the Rainbow Dash. “WHAT KIND OF EXPERIMENT?”

“Take it from here, Twi!”

“Alright, the experiment which is wished to be performed on you by me is to increase the power your Cadillac Super Rainbow Dash Sports Edition to levels beyond belief,” explained the nerd unicorn guy. “Literally.”

“COOOOOOOOOL! HOW MUCH?”

“I just said: to levels beyond belief.”

“BUT HOW MUCH IS THAT???”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“OH, THAT’S BULLSHIT. EXACTLY HOW MANY HORSEPOWERS ARE YOU GOING TO ADD?”

“ω”

“BUT THAT’S AN TRANSFINITE ORDINAL NUMBER! HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT?”

“There is no way you would believe me.”

“I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!”

“Can you please stop shouting? It’s making me bored.”

“Okay.”

“I already have the plans set out! On a marvellous experiment piece-of-paper which I have in my convenient local storage facility, lies a set of instructions which represents x greater than or equal to the procedure. However, I think you’ll find the probability of the instructions representing x greater than the procedure is infinitesimally small.”

“In other words, you have the sheet which contains the instructions to the procedure of the experiment in your bag,” the Rainbow Dash responded blankly.

“Exactly right, Rainbow!”

“So… where is it?”

Twilight winked. “Oh, Dashie. Did you really think I would forget something like that?”

* * *

“YOU FORGOT THE SHEET?”

“Well, yeah, but—”

“Come on. How are you supposed to add ω horsepower if you don’t have any instructions?”

“It’s okay. I know all the steps!”

“Well, I wouldn’t expect anything else from the best princess in the world!” The Rainbow Dash did a loop with a diameter of about 7 metres, performing a Sonic Rainboom at the apex.

Twilight pulled the instruction sheet out of her bag. “Step 1: Prepare Super Duper Fast Speed Potion Elixir. First, gain possession of a small, but large-sized volumetric flask... done! Add 15 litres of Wild Pegasus… done!”

“Twilight, where the hell did you get that? That drink hasn’t been around for about 27 years!”

“I had it 28 years ago!”

“OF COURSE!”

“Now… burn it, bitch! Done! That’s Step 1 complete! Now… add to engine.”

“Huh? That was it?”

“I told you it was easy for me to remember, didn’t I?”

“No, you told me the following: ‘It’s okay. I know all the steps!’ That’s not the same thing.”

“Well it does mean the same thing!”

“No, ‘it was easy for me to remember’ means it was easy for you to remember. ‘It’s okay. I know all the steps!’ means that the previous statement was negligible in terms of the success of the experiment, and also that you know all the steps,” the Rainbow Dash explained. “That doesn’t necessarily mean it was easy to learn!”

“Come on, Rainbow Dash, can you ever not take everything so strictly and literally?”

The Rainbow Dash seemed irritated at this, and raised her chin up slightly while keeping her vision intently focused on the horny purple horse. “UNACCEPTABLE!!!” she screamed in a voice that made her sound like a lemon.

“Fine. Just feed this to your damn car.” Twilight violently shoved the volumetric flask with burning alcohol into the Rainbow Dash’s hands.

“TTTTTHHHANK YOU. I WILL BE SURE TO… UUUUSE THIS EFFICIENTLY AND WITHOUT ERROR!”

“No problem.”

The Rainbow Dash walked off with the flask, showing off her bright blue sneakers, before realising they were right next to the car, and had, in fact, used its engine to burn the alcohol somehow. “PUT!” she said as she put the alcohol into the fuel tank. “THERE. THIS SHOULD WORK.”

“Good luck on the Rainbow Road Rally, Rainbow Rash — er, I mean Dash.”

“UNACCEPTABLE!!!” The Rainbow Rash — I mean Dash — got into the car and drove off without waiting for the engine to start. “IS THIS… FUN?”

* * *

At the Rainbow Road Rally, all 12 of the competing Cadillacs were sitting, waiting to receive the starting signal, including the Rainbow Dash’s Cadillac Super Rainbow Dash Sports Edition.

“Fillies and gentlecolts!” announced the announcer at the announcement of the Rainbow Road Rally. “I’m sure you all know why we’re here: the Rainbow Road Rally!”

The entire audience and competitor base shouted: “WE KNOW! STOP BEING REDUNDANT!!!”

“Very well! Without further—”

“Hurry up, guy!” urged the Rainbow Dash.

“3… 2… 1… GO!”

Instantly, the Rainbow Dash could see everything around her stretch in the direction in which was trying to drive. The announcer simply looked like a big blue line to her now. The audience looked like a big grey blob. “Ewww, a blob,” said the Rainbow Dash. Before she could make any further events occur within the synapses in her brain, all the colours in the world… rotated, to become new colours she had never seen before.

From the perspective of Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie and Applejack the horse, however, the Rainbow Dash’s car appeared to temporarily lose all length in place, and giant twin explosions of blood emerged, directed directly in the opposite direction from the front of the Rainbow Dash’s car, and the rear. It splattered some of the audience with drops of blood, causing some of them to yell something related to the blood by which they had just been hit, while other members of the audience weren’t so lucky. The force of the blood drilled into dozens of ponies, tearing away the surface flesh and revealing their ribcages, before grinding them away consecutively. After this, the pressure inside them simply pushed outwards on their shells, causing them to explode in a shower of guts and bones.

So, yeah… it was pretty boring.

A lone, massive, bilateral bloody blast mark remained on the road. The shockwave from the explosion had killed a few other drivers, and the rest had been incapacitated. The audience was completely silent for about 5 seconds.

The announcer had a job to do, and he wasn’t going to give it up just because of some silly little mass accidental death. “Well, I think we can all see that the Rainbow Dash, as always, was the fastest driver!”

Princess Celestia flew down from a platform somewhere to award the Rainbow Dash her trophy, posthumously. “Well done, my little pony,” she said as she smiled caringly, dropping the golden trophy onto the red abstract painting.

Everypony left.

* * *

Pinkie hip-hopped happily down the road next to Twilight, who was riding the Applejack horse. “Wow, that was great! I didn’t expect her to drive that fast!”

“Well, it is to be expected. But, hey, there was one thing I thought was a bit weird. I thought you said the princesses died from depression.”

“I know. It must have been somepony else.”

“Okay then.”

Twilight smiled. It had been an excellent day. “Only that yellow pony is left!”