Rejected - The wrong end of the train
Rejected - The wrong end of the train
No hard feelings, there is absolutely no need for something like that.
I asked her a question – a simple one – and promised that no matter what her answer would be, we’d stay friends. When she hesitated, I ensured her to be neither angry nor have any irrational grieves as long as her answer is sincere and mirrors her sentiments; as long as it reflects whatever she really wants. To be realistic and even more importantly, to be honest to myself, I never really expected her saying ‘Yes’ in the first place.
Of course I thought up scenarios in which she does. Fantasies in which both of us end up in a tight embrace, clinging to each other, savoring the moments before our muzzles would meet for the first time. Unrealistic screenplays is all they were. Fairy tales you tell little fillies to make them fall asleep and have beautiful dreams you might say, having nothing in common with ruthless reality. To stick with the truth, I had no expectations that could have been left unsatisfied.
Still, it hurts so much. My chest is aching, every breath feels like a raging wildfire burning in my throat and each of its flares devouring a little bit of my sore heart as I’m swallowing on my emotions. I’ve never felt... I couldn’t even imagine such pain before. It is an incredible torture, feeling like a thousand needles getting dragged slowly out of my broken heart, just to be shoved back in even slower the next second. Not just that it’s indescribably aching, it also is completely illogical. There is no wound, my body is perfectly moving as I keep running through the night, trying to get away from this place as far as somehow possible.
When making a love confession there are always two possible outcomes. At least, that’s what I suppose, what’s making sense to me: One that makes both ponies happy and one that leaves one of them broken. I don’t think that there’s another option. I hope there isn’t. I wouldn’t want her to feel like I do at the moment. The imagination alone drives another set of tears in my eyes. Not yet, I have to stay strong, at least for a little longer.
I have been running for a while already, my hooves are starting to hurt as well. No comparison to the ache coming from my heart though. The street lamps are guiding my lone path. I pass them quickly, one after another. From light to light I rush through the forlorn darkness. Driven by the obnoxious torment I can keep running, maybe even run a bit faster.
Did I proceed too swiftly? Have I pushed her into a corner, not letting her have enough time to make up her mind? Those questions burden me all the way, every meter, every step. I never confessed love to any pony before, so I didn’t know any better; but if I wouldn’t have been so persuasive, would her response have been a different one perhaps? I mean, we’ve always come along greatly and though we have spent a lot of time together we rarely got caught in arguments or fights. Everything has always seemed so harmonious. Why doesn’t she share my feelings? Why did she choose to deny them? Why did she reject me? How am I supposed to ever face her again?
As my breaths are getting heavier, I feel hot tears streaming down my face, burning narrow lanes in my cheeks and being carried away by the strong wind the next moment, dropping harder on the ground the faster I run. I’m glad I was able to put back such a large distance before I finally would start weeping. Mustering up my last strength I gallop into a narrow side street. Even if it’s a good shortcut from the marketplace to Sugarcube Corner barely any pony uses it, especially not in the middle of the night. No pony would see me cry here.
Everything I hoped for – everything I wished for was not supposed to come true after all. As the word left her mouth, it was like all of my dreams were crushed within an instant. Not all of them, of course. But definitely the most important one, the one I desired more than anything else, the one that kept me moving through all kind of obstacles and challenging times. It was shattered. Torn into pieces. Dead.
Exhausted from the long run I lean against a brick stone wall and let myself sink to the frozen ground, burying my muzzle in my tired and quivering hooves, I’m not able to hold back sorrowful sobs any longer. My whole body is shivering and the uncontrollably emanating torrid tears are starting to drench my sweaty fur, keeping at least a little bit of it warm in the cold winter night. I probably should have at least put on a coat and a scarf before making a run. Not that it really concerns me any longer. I'm done with life anyways.
Silently screaming in my hooves and letting my emotions run wild, I suddenly perceive a shadow thrown on me from high above in the sky, followed by the quiet sound of a smooth landing. The other pony is approaching carefully, the noise from its steps slowly coming closer. I don’t need to look up to know who it is. Just the question why she made all the way out here is left.
“Twilight... you didn’t hear me out before running off,” She says with quite some distress in her voice as she knees down in front of me. All I can do is continue sobbing. She gently wraps a scarf around my neck and pulls me into a tight and warming embrace, softly swathing me in her comfortable blue wings. I sob again. Up to the moment she softly presses her warm chest against mine, I didn’t realize that I'm freezing – really freezing. It must be unpleasant for her to get in contact with something as cold as my shaking body. Still, perhaps a bit self-willed, I accept the comfort.
“Hey... it’s alright,” She mildly whispers in one of my flat lying ears which shows no reaction. Trying to sooth me she gently strokes my back. But she's wrong, nothing is right at all. Everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong. I completely screwed up. I can barely endure her beneficial touches. I don’t deserve them. It’s like getting favored just because you’ve failed otherwise. But I deal with them, at least a little longer.
“Will you listen to me?” She asks after a short pause with a lot of concern in her tone. I look up. As our eyes meet I can clearly spot tears gathering in her beautiful magenta orbs. All of a sudden my throat seizes shut and my sobbing stops. The sight stirs me. I’ve never seen her weeping before. I hope she isn’t crying because of me. Not able to say a word I just slightly nod.
“Okay...” She says. A short, but eternal appearing break follows as she obviously is searching for the right words. Nevertheless keep her glimmering eyes locked on mine all the time, pulling me in their spell. A light sigh escapes her lips as she apparently finds some matching phrases, its warm waft meets my frozen snout, giving it back a bit of its senses “...and please don’t dash off this time, that’s my thing,” She playfully supplements, a wide smile growing on her muzzle. That's the smile I always think of before falling asleep, the one I love so much. Within a blink it takes away a huge part of the fear about what she's going to tell me. Perplexed by her split expression I nod again.
“Twilight... yes, I said ‘No’ and I know that this isn’t the answer you hoped for,” She starts her explanation, holding me tight so that I can’t possibly run off again, even if I’d liked to. I have no intention to dissolve the pleasurable hug anyway. Too soothing and agreeable it is that I would renounce it for any reason. I even lean in a bit closer, trying to catch a little more of her pleasing warmth.
“But there is a reason for that and it has absolutely nothing to do with you,” She continues with a voice much softer than I would have given her credit for, carrying a lot of sympathy and understanding in it. Of course she’d say that, I’ve already seen it coming since I read it in plenty of books. It never is the rejected stallion’s – or in my case – mare’s fault; there always is an odd reason, or rather, an excuse. I’m not sure if I want to hear it, still I’m not doing anything to discourage her from continuing.
“Starting Monday, I’ll be staying at the Wonderbolts academy for the next three months.” A clear sound of sadness rises in her tone as she says it. I didn’t know that. Her statement hits me like a lightning bolt since it implies that I won’t even be able to see her for three whole months. But when I think about it, it probably is for the best, regarding how awkward things went today. Still, it’s going to be a long and hard time for me.
“Twilight... I never was in love before, but I definitely am now," She tenderly complements after another short break, a single tear slowly running down one of her cheeks, almost like– wait, what did she just say? All of a sudden I can feel my ears twitching in excitement and my heart starting to rush. I didn’t expect the conversation to take such a sudden turn. It completely caught me off guard. It still was no confirmation, but I can clearly account a little bit of hope rising in my heart.
“I mean... you're the smartest pony I know, and the loveliest and most caring one too. What I want to say... I always enjoy the time we spend together and when being with you' I feel well and safe because I know you’re there for me and would never oppose to take any kind of responsibility if needed,” She speaks kind of fast and agitated, heading towards the point, weakly sobbing, an almost desperate sniffle follows this part of her declaration. Her reassuring words are flattering me. My hooves are shaking and my body is quivering, but not because I’m freezing. A thrill runs down my back, sending small and tingling electricity in every fiber of my body.
“It’s just... I just don’t want to start a relationship, especially not with a pony as amazing as you are, with three months of separation... In fact, I’d really like to be your marefriend, but...” There’s a lot of conviction in her voice, even if it slowly trails off as she obviously tries to rephrase her statement. My cheeks are burning and my jaw drops slightly open. I want to say something, but overwhelmed by emotions I can’t find any words. There's not a single feeling of cold left in me. Actually, although the falling snow is slowly drenching my mane, it’s kind of hot to me.
“So... I doubt that you–“
I don’t let her finish the sentence. With a swift movement I wrap my hooves around her neck, pull her close and press my muzzle tightly against hers. I can clearly remark her surprise about my sudden ambush, but after a short bafflement Rainbow Dash returns the kiss. Affectionate. Desirous. Wild.
It takes a while until our lips part again. Gasping for air, looking each other deep into our glimmering and sparkling eyes and kindling a little firework between them, we speak in unison. “I love you.“
Rejected - The other end of the train
Rejected – The other end of the train
Still being a little in shock, I’m rooted to the same spot in the main hall of the library where I stood when she ran off, staring at the opened door. Regrets are occupying my mind.
She asked for a sincere answer and I wanted nothing else than give to it to her. Of course it took me quite some time to figure out the right words to say, to find a way to explain things how they are and her pacing, not to say her unspoken hustle, wasn’t helping at all. But I can understand her. I know these minutes must’ve been a sheer torture for her. When I finally started talking, I hoped that she’d let me finish speaking out at least, but as soon as the first phrase hesitantly left my mouth, she made a run for it. It certainly wasn’t the kind of answer she hoped for.
Of course I wanted to follow her, but for some reason I couldn’t. My shaking hooves wouldn’t move and still seem to be numb, useless resting in place. I didn’t expect the whole situation to turn out like this. Actually, it is the worst possible scenario I could imagine. Even if she turned away quickly so that I couldn’t see her eyes, I could clearly sense how broken they were. The image of her storming out of the door is burning in my mind.
I probably should have taken another approach instead of just rocking the house with the first word I say. Her reaction still was impulsive, very impulsive. I didn’t know her like that. She’s otherwise so thoughtful, never rushing things like I do. Whenever a problem occurred in the past, she always stood her ground and solved it. She never ran away before. It must have hurt her really badly.
Some minutes have passed. Time is warped though. To me, it feels like hours, if not days that have passed by. A cool breeze pushes through the open door, strokes through my mane and sends a shiver runing through my whole body. It’s reminding me how cold it is outside. Within a blink my hooves suddenly start moving. Passing the hall-stand I quickly grab a scarf and run in the darkness as well. I was so stupid. How I could let this happen, let her just run away in a night like this? Spreading my wings I lift myself to the sky. No matter how far she’d run, I’ll find her.
What if I’d have said ‘Yes’? How would things have turned out? I could have done so, it’s actually the answer that would’ve really matched my feelings. But it wouldn’t have been fair. Not to me and especially not to her. Saying ‘Yes’ and two days later be gone for three months, how rude would’ve that been? Still, would it have hurt her more than saying ‘No’? I can understand her feelings, more than she might know, more than I might know myself. I wonder if she’s going to listen to my statement. I have to fix this. Quickly.
Scanning the streets from high above I’m searching for her. The falling snow is slowly soaking my wings, making them heavy. It takes me a lot of effort to flap them. Still, with every second I can’t spot her, I beat them harder and harder, passing my own limits. I’m in panic, feeling more than just guilty. If anything should happen to her, I could never possibly forgive myself. Ignoring my aching plumage and not even knowing if I’m flying in the right direction, I move on, soaring deeper into the dark sky.
All I hope – all I wish for is to find her and that she’s well. If she’d accept my arguments or the decision I made is secondary, as well as if she’d be able to forgive me. I don’t care about any of my dreams getting fulfilled, I could even deal with it if she hates me now; the only thing that counts for me is her being well.
Every second feels like an eternity. Minutes must’ve been passed, perhaps even half an hour. It’s cold, but I’m sweating heavier like never before. The strain on my wings is enormous, still not to comparable with the one lasting on my heart. Tears run down my face, getting lost in the endless seeming night as they leave it. I’m scared, the fear makes me almost cry. I’m already about giving up hope – I wouldn’t have stopped searching though – when I suddenly detect some fresh hoofprints in the snow. They must be hers. They have to be. No pony goes unsolicited outside in such a night. I follow them, track them down, as fast as I can.
A few seconds later I spot her lying on the ground besides a wall in one of the side streets. At first I’m terrified by the sight, already thinking she collapsed. A slight feeling of relief comes up as I see her breathing. With a hasty movement I go down, make a gentle landing a few meters from her. Exhausted from the flight I gasp for air. Wiping some remaining tears from my snout I slowly approach her, my hooves heavy as my heart. I don’t want to rush her, give her enough time to accept me being around.
“Twilight... you didn’t hear me out before running off.” I try to speak as soft as possible as I reach her. Even if I tried to suppress it as much as possible, there’s a lot of exasperation in my voice. She doesn’t look at me. I try to catch her view kneeing down in front of her, but it’s no help. Her only reaction is an obviously retained sob. I notice that she’s shivering. Quickly I remove the scarf from my neck, wrap it around hers and gently pull her into a tight embrace. When our bodies meet I realize how cold hers is. She’s clearly undercooled. Worries are rushing my mind. She must’ve been lying on the frozen ground for quite a while. With a strong beat I shake off the snow and most of the wetness from my wings and swath them around her, trying my best to give her some warmth. She shows no emotions, just sobs again, but permits it. I’m still glad about that.
“Hey... it’s alright,” I carefully whisper in one of her ears, trying to sooth her at least a little. Seeming almost like a broken doll ripped from her soul, she still shows no reaction at all, just keeps lying motionless in my hooves. My worries grow as much as guilt is overtaking my mind. After all, this is no other ponies’ fault than solely mine. Thinking about how to continue, I start softly stroking her back, between the blades of her shoulders, knowing how much she likes that. It’s painful to see her like that. Still, I’m sure that the sorrow I’m feeling is no match to hers. I wish I could rewind time and just undo all of this.
“Will you listen to me?” I try to push the conversation a little forward. After some seconds she finally looks up. Her usual violet sparkling orbs are bloodshot from crying, her view emotionless, almost dull. My heart cracks at the sight, I’m fighting with tears again. All of a sudden she stops sobbing and deeply looks into my eyes. It’s not easy to discern, but replying her view I clearly can account some little worries deep in hers as well. Is she concerned about me?
“Okay...” I somehow manage to say, a bit awkwardly, however have no clue how to continue. I can’t stop looking in her eyes. Even if they seem to be almost dead they’re still the most beautiful two violet orbs all of Equestria. I’m desperately scanning them for a little bit of hope, joy, pleasure – some kind of positive feelings. I can’t find any. A depressed sigh escapes my lips. “... and please don’t dash off this time, that’s my thing,” I complement, trying to break the ice. On second thought, what a stupid thing to say. Still, I force myself to smile. A little at least. Giving me a rather confused look – I can’t blame her for that – she nods again.
“Twilight... yes, I said ‘No’ and I know this isn’t the answer you hoped for.” I tighten my grip on her as I'm saying this. I won’t let her make another run, for nothing in the world. This time I’ll have her hearing me out, for sure. Realizing that she timidly moves in and leans a bit closer against my chest, I’m kind of relieved. Swallowing against my dry throat I carefully pick my next statement.
“But there is a reason for that and it has absolutely nothing to do with you,” I put all my sympathy for her in my words, trying to reassure her, however still speak with a heavy heart since it’s nothing else than the truth. It’s my fault and not hers, but she’s the one suffering most because of it. I really feel terrible as the phrases leave my mouth and I have my doubts that she wants to hear any kind of excuses, but it’s all I can do. It’s what I have to do.
“Starting Monday, I’ll be staying at the Wonderbolts academy for the next three months,” I explain, feeling a small ball form in my stomach as I do so. I most certainly won’t see her for three months. Three whole months. This thought alone hurts me a lot. For a short moment her eyes turn big and her expression is kind of a surprised one, but falters to despair again the following second. I know those three months won’t just be a hard time for me, but for her as well. Since I was always kind of independent and used to be on my own, it will probably be a lot worse for her than for me. That’s the whole point of the story. Binding some pony as attaching as her in a relationship I can’t come up to for such a long time wouldn’t be fair. Perhaps to me, somehow, but certainly not to her.
“Twilight... I never was in love before, but I definitely am now,” The words rather unexpectedly slip through my throat as emotions are overwhelming me. Even a tear or two are making their way down my cheeks. How embarrassing, crying about one’s own words. I tighten the embrace and her ears twitch a little. She feels a bit warmer too. Finally, there’re some reactions after all, taking a large burden from my heart and replacing it with damped joy. I take in a deep breath before I continue.
“I mean... you're the smartest pony I know, and the loveliest and most caring one too. What I want to say... I always enjoy the time we spend together and when being with you’ I feel well and safe because I know you’re there for me and would never oppose to take any kind of responsibility if needed,” I say with a lot more ease than I expected. A tiny sob makes its way through my throat, I sniffle to pull it back. She starts slightly quivering, her muscles unequivocally tensing for a short moment. I hope her circulation is well, fearing nothing more than her breaking down the next second. I have to be strong, for both of us, give her strength in this dark winter night.
“It’s just... I just don’t want to start a relationship, especially not with a pony as amazing as you are, with three months of separation... In fact, I’d really like to be your marefriend, but...” In my mind I change the statement about three times while talking, making it all awkward. Taking a short break to rethink how to put it, I notice her flushing, probably responding way too positive for what I actually want to say. I wish she’d say something, stop me from continuing at this point.
“So... I doubt that you–“
Within a blink I feel her hooves being wrapped around my neck and pulling me close. A split second later her snout meets mine. At first I’m kind of confused, then her tongue hasty invades my mouth, challenging mine to join a wild dance. Oh my gosh, now you’re talking Twilight.
It takes a while until our lips part again. I actually wouldn’t have mind if they kept locked together for the rest of our lives. Gasping for air like her, I look deep into violet sparkling eyes. There’s no sorrow, no pain, no fear left. All I can sense is pure pleasure and joy. I’m happy like never before. Her jaw drops slightly open. I waited for this moment for years. I imitate her movements and as we rehearsed this scene for a hundred of times, we speak in unison “I love you.”
