BUT I'M NOT STOPPIN THERE!
Billy Mays walked past many portals to other universes. He had never really died on earth, as a matter of fact he was an immortal overload whose soul purpose was to find the universes with the stupidest occupants to sell his shit to. Billy Mays had found the mother-load of stupidity on earth, but it proved to much for even an overlord as himself to handle.
"Humans" were so damn stupid, that they would buy what ever shit he would advertise, as long as he yelled at them. No, actually, scratch that. He once blew his nose, and put it up on a thing humans call "craigslist" for 20$, claiming it to be Elvis Presley's booger. Within hours it sold. Eventually he got bored of so much intolerance that he decided to move on, find a new frontier.
After years of wandering, Billy decided just to wing it and choose a portal at random. So he did. He found a colorful technicolor portal and jumped in penis-head first.
Billy opened his eyes.
"Oh shit" he said looking around his surroundings.
Had he accidentally came back to earth? There were houses just like on earth. There was writing just like on earth. He even saw animals a similar to the ones on earth. But something was different... The "horses" were of all different colors, unlike the shit-brown or bird-poop white horses on earth.
Suddenly he saw a pink horse approaching him. He watched in awe as the sexy horse trotted over to him.
"Hi i'm Pinkie, welcome to Ponyville"
"HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELLAMENT" gasped Billy in sheer terror of the talking animal. Then using his Billy Mays patented defense mechanism, he squirted the Pink horse with as hose of fresh jizz.
Then he ran away as fast as he could in terror, but as he ran he noticed his reflection in a window. He was a horse. I mean, he was still wearing his Oxi-clean jumpsuit, and he still had an amazing beard on his dick (and on his face), but he was a horse. He put it together that he had chosen a portal to some weird Pony world and in result he turned into one himself.
After coming to full realization of his situation, he decided shit needed to get serious.
"Lets see how stupid these horses are" Billy said to himself. Pulling out his Iphone 5, he began looking up all the "amazing" innovations "humans" were buying into back on earth. He had found what he was looking for.
Twilight sat at her couch watching tv. She was struggling (as usual) to jerk it and work out at the same time.
"Boy, do I wish there was a way for me to masturbate AND work out at the same time," Sighed a defeated Twilight.
Suddenly a commercial came on with a very handsome mare on the TV. Twilight's VA-J J started to tingle at the sight of the beautiful stallion.
["HI, FILLY HAYS HERE WITH AN AMAZING NEW INNOVATION! Do you ever try masturbating and working out at the same time but always fail?"
"Yes uh huh," Said twilight hypnotized by the flashing images of stallions trying to multitask on the TV.
"
"WELL NOW YOU CAN STOP TRYING AND START DOING! I PRESENT TO YOU THE SHAKEWEIGHT! NOW YOU CAN SATISFY YOUR CRAVING TO WORKOUT THOSE FLABBY LUNCH LADY ARMS AND SIMULATE JERKING IT AT THE SAME TIME!"
Twilight was mystified! Watching the Stallion on the TV yelling with his veins popping and his nipples squirting was just to much for her to handle.
"NOW ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PAY 19.99 BITS AND THE SHAKEWEIGHT CAN BE YOURS! CALL NOW!"
Then a more robotic voice came up announcing the shake weight and the number to call. 1-800-whyareyoureadingthisshit.
Twilight knew what she had to do. She picked up her phone and ordered a shakeweight. *squirt squirt*
Billy Mays sat in his office satisfied. He made a killing with his first product in Ponyville, but that wasn't enough. He pulled out his Iphone 5 and looked at more inventions. He hit a jackpot.
"Micheal Jackson come to my office please," Said Billy into an intercom, calling up his personal assistant.
"YAH, Hee Hee," Said MJ moon-walking into his office.
"Guess what? said Billy excitedly
"What is it deary, HEE HEE," said MJ rubbing his nips
"SNUGGIE!" Exclaimed Billy
"Yah mean, snuggle with the children?" asked MJ curiously
"No, I mean the backwards robe!"
"Ohhh, OK," said MJ beginning to cry
"Don't cry MJ! I'll snuggle with you!"
*Gay snuggle time*
22 HOURS LATER
Twilight eagerly opened her package to show Spike the wonderful glory she had purchased.
"I present to you, THE SHAKEWEIGHT!" said Twilight holding up her amazing new product
"Twilight, that's just a used dildo with two rocks tied to it," Said a skeptical Spike
"NUH UH! Its a shake weight!" defended Twilight "Filly Hays said so!"
"Twilight, I can see dried poop crust on the used dil-"
"NO, stop right there Mr. negative! If you don't have anything nice to say about New Spike don't say it!
"Um, new Spike?"
"Ya that's right bitch! The Shakeweight is replacing you!"
"Spikes heart then exploded into a million pieces. Tears ran down his face and he ran up stairs to his room. Before slamming the door behind him to his room he yelled,
"UR A MEANIE!" he slammed the door behind him.
Twilight ignored him and snuggled up with a blanket and New Spike on the couch. One problem though. Every time she tried to use New Spike she would have to lift her hooves from under the warm blanket and risk freezing. Things were not working out.
Suddenly, the TV magically turned on reveling a familiar face.
"FILLY HAYS!!" Twilight exclaimed shitting herself in excitement.
"HI FILLY HAYS HERE WITH ANOTHER PRODUCT OF TOMORROW! DO YOU EVER WEAR A BLANKET BUT FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO MOVE YOUR HOOVES OUT WITHOUT FREEZING?
"Yah uh-huh," said Twilight hypnotized once again by a Filly Hays infomercial.
"WELL THAT WILL NO LONGER BE A PROBLEM, WITH, THE SNUGGIE! NOW YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOUR HEART DESIRES IN A BLANKET! NOW YOU CAN: GIVE HANDJOBS! BEAT UP THE LITTLE SHIT NEXT DOOR! OR SIMPLY CHANGE THE CHANNEL THROUGH OUR PATENTED BLANKIE WITH A SLEEVE! CALL NOW!"
Twilight's head EXPLODED in excitement, then regrew itself again.
"MUST. HAVE. SNUGGIE!" said Twilight in a barbaric voice.
Once again the robotic voice came on and presented further details.
"To order the Snuggie, Please have your credit card ready and call: 1-800-whythefuckareyoustillreadingthisfuckingshitthatimjustfreewriting
Call now!"
Twilight got her phone and dialed the number. "Snuggie time bitches,"
Billy Mays sat on MJ's lap checking the sales of his new product.
"This is amazing!" said Billy ecstatically
"No, you're amazing," said MJ nuzzling Billy's neck affectionately
"Not now woman!" said Billy jumping off of MJ's lab and slapping his/her face.
"OOOEEEWWW. Whats wrong dearie?"
"I need a bigger hit! Think, what was IN when you were on earth, what sold?"
"Childrennnn," said MJ licking his lips
"Children you say?" asked Billy "More specific?"
"Children---Children and there deep dark desires they pass off as fears. Sweet sweet children. Sleeping children.
And with that MJ passed out, the intensity of his own desire proved to be to much for him.
Billy pulled out his Iphone 5 and searched up products of earth based off of what MJ had told him.
"MICHEAL YOU'RE A FUCKING GENIUS!" exclaimed Billy excitedly
"Genitiles?" MJ asked in his sleep.
"Yes genitiles," Replied Billy stroking Micheal's long black hair. (What did you think I was gonna say?)
"Report to the set, iv got a commercial to make!" Billy said deviously to himself.
24 HOURS LATER
Spike sat on the couch in front of the TV, jerkin it hard. It was gay porn Friday. Spike almost didn't feel like gay porn Friday, considering that Twilight just fulfilled her dreams of beating him up while wearing a blanket.
"Damn you Filly Mays and your life changing innovations," moaned Spike as he jerked off with his bruised arms and hands.
But alas since the gay porn was free, and there were commercials. And right as Spike reached his hot climax to the stallion-on-stallion action, a commercial broke the tension. But luckily it was an old spice commercial so Spike didn't have to stop! An oiled up black guy, AH YAH! Right before the commercial ended Spike orgasimed and cummed everywhere, returning to his un-aroused state. But that was short lived because a very handsome, bearded stallion popped up on the screen. Making Spike very horny again.
"HI, FILLY HAYS HERE,"
"Oh its you," Spike said with hatred in his voice, though he couldn't help himself and started fapping to the infomercial.
"IS YOUR CHILD AFRAID OF THE DARK? DOES THERE DARK DESIRES HAUNT THEM?"
"Uh huh" Spike agreed thinking about how granny smith sometimes snuck in at night and watched him sleep.
WELL DONT JUST GIVE THEM A PILLOW, GIVE THEM A BRIGHT LIGHT PILLOW! GARENTEED TO SCARE AWAY THE CREEPY DESIRES OF THE NIGHT! ONLY 19.99 BITS! BUT I'M NOT STOPPIN THERE! ORDER NOW AND GET YOUR EXTRA SMALL ASIAN CONDOMS!just pay separate process and handling"
Spike suddenly jizzed everywhere, reaching his second orgy.
Then, once again, a more robotic voice came into tune announcing further details: "To order your very own bright light pillow have your credit card ready and call 1-800-whatareyoudoingwithyourlife?
Spike knew it was his destiny to have the bright light pillow for him self. He dialed the number and ordered one.
SUDDENLY, WOW WOW WUBZY BURST IN TO THE ROOM AND HAD ANAL SEX WITH SPIKE!
"YES YES!" Billy Mays exclaimed after seeing the success of his pillow.
"I'm so happy for you," said a pleased MJ
Suddenly a crushing wave of realization washed over billy.
"NO NO!"
"What's wrong bitchy-boo?" asked a concerned MJ
"THESE HORSES ARE BUYING MY STUPID SHIT EVEN MORE THEN THE HUMANS ARE! THAT MEANS THERE MORE STUPID THEN HUMANS! THAT'S IT, TIME TO LEAVE THIS PLACE! raged Billy
"NO PLEASE I'M A WRECK WITHOUT YOU!" pleaded MJ
"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't leave,"
"Oh ill give you a reason, HEE HEE," Said MJ pulling out his own Iphone 5. He fumbled with his phone for a few minutes until he found what he was looking for. "Take a look," MJ said handing Billy his phone
"It's you and a sleeping Justin Bieber, but your...naked ..." said a very confused Billy Mays
"Oh whoopsie daisy, wrong picture," said MJ, taking back his phone and flipping to the correct image.
"What the hell is this? Its just a rag," said a once again confused Billy Mays
"20$" MJ said
"WHAT THE MUTHERFU----TWENTY DOLLARS FOR A FUCKING RAG?! WHO THE FUCK WOULD BE STUPID ENOUGH TO BUY THAT!?" Billy raged
"Its a known fact that 95% of all humans on earth own one," said MJ "and if the pony's here are stupid enough to buy it, you have my full consent to leave."
"Fine, call the production crew, I have an infomercial to make." Silly Billy said like a boss
Twilight and Spike sat on the couch in front of the TV. Twilight snuggled up in her snuggie, with New Spike on one side of the couch, and Old ratchet ass piece of shit spike sat on the other end, cuddling with his bright light pillow.
Suddenly Filly Hays popped up on the screen and both Spike and Twilight were immediately hypnotized by the awesomeness that stood before them.
"HI FILLY HAYS HERE WITH ANOTHER AMAZING PRODUCT! DO YOU OWN RAGS?"
Spike and Twilight nodded in agreement
"HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO PAY 20$ FOR A RAG? WELL NOW YOU CAN, WITH THE SHAMWOW! NOT ONLY IS IT A RAG, ITS A 20 DOLLAR RAG! PRETTY COOL HUH?"
"Get the phone ready, Spike, were gettin SHAMWOW'S!" exclaimed Twilight excitedly
Billy Mays had enough. After years of having to put up with such stupidity he couldn't take it anymore. Using his overlord powers Billy Mays teleported into Twilight's living room.
"OH...MY...GOOSH! FILLY HAYS!" Twilight screamed running up to lick his dick
But before Twilight could get close enough he kung-fu kicked her sending her flying across the room.
"WHO'S THE COCK SUCKING FAGGOT WHO WAS GONNA BUY THE SHAMWOW!?" boomed Billy
"Um...me..." replied Spike uneasily
"OH HELL NO!" Billy screamed. Then, pulling out a double barreled shotgun, he then blew Spike's brains out with one shot.
Then he slowly walked across the room, approaching Twilight.
"WERE YOU GONNA BUY ONE TO?!"
"Id buy anything from you," Twilight said
"BITCH, NO!" yellled Billy, bitch slapping Twilight across the face. He then threw Twilight on the floor and got ready to stomp her.
"Any last words?" asked Billy
"I. Love. U." whispered Twilight
Then, Billy picked up his hoof and got ready to stomp Twilight, WHEN CHUCK NORRIS BURST INTO THE ROOM AND DID A 360 SOUTHPAW KICK TO BILLY MAY'S JAW! THEN BEFORE BILLY COULD GET UP, HE WAS HIT BY AN ARRAY OF BULLETS FROM CHUCK'S UNLIMITED AMMO GUN!
Billy lay on the floor dead.
Chuck then approached Twilight and helped her up.
"You alright sweetheart?" Asked chuck
"Yah, but your not gonna be," replied an angry Twilight pulling a gun to Chuck's head. "No one kills Filly Hay's and gets away with it!"
Author's Note
Filly Hays is the Ponyville TV alter ego for Billy Mays. Just thought I should clear that up...
I seriously recommend watching the shamwow commericial and the slap chop commercial before reading this..
BASED OFF A TRUE STORY
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Vince Shlomi (the Shamwow™ guy), sat in his new home, which was a dumpster behind a Quiznos subs. Not even an extra large Shamwow could soak up all of his tears.
You see, ten months ago, rival infomercialist Anthony Sullivan got very jealous of the success Vince was having with Shamwow. Since everyone was spending there $19.99 on Shamwow's, no one had any money left to buy his product, Oxi-clean Dish washing booster. Something needed to be done. Anthony hired a cannibalistic prostitute (Lindsey Lohan) to take care of his problems. When Vince was anticipating a blow-job from Lindsey, she bit his left testical off. In retaliation Vince falcon punched Lindsey in the face three times, then called the popo. When the cops arrived they understood completely that Vince just acted in self defense. But they arrested him anyways for having such a douchebag haircut.
Vince went to jail for eight months, and Anthony Sullivan took advantage of the occasion by selling many Oxi-clean Dish washing booster's. He was going to make his father Billy Mays proud.
Vince sat in his dumpster heartbroken listening to Lady Gaga's born this way on replay. All he ever wanted to do was sell his amazing Shamwow to stupid people, was that to much to ask? Now that the word was out that he had a douche haircut, no one wanted to buy his amazing piss yellow rags. He knew what he had to do. He took out his German cocaine, Germans always make good drugs. Taking one deep breath in, he snorted two and a half pounds of the stuff! Then he prepared to pass out from overdose. He was about to go on an amazing journey. And he wasn't coming back until he sold his Shamwow's.
It had been three month's since Filly Hays tragic death, and the day that destroyed Twilight. Ever since the day Filly Hays died, Twilight fell into a deep depression and would seek comfort from New Spike and LOTS of Häagen-Dazs ice cream. Oh yeah and she also became a hooker. To get the genuine hooker look, Twilight almost did meth, but she thought of what it did to Granny Smith. Granny Smith was only 35 but meth made her lose her teeth and good skin. And Twilight didn't really have to get a prostitute alter-ego name, considering her actual name already sounded like a whore's name.
Twilight was sitting on her couch, tears welled in her eye's.
"Oh New Spike you're the only one I ever truly loved," Twilight sniffled
"What about me? *cough cough* Don't you love me?" asked a paralyzed old Spike who had been slowly dying on the floor for months
"Oh don't be silly," Twilight responded throwing a rock at Spike
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Twilight groaned and forced her self to the door. What she saw before her was the most disturbing thing she had ever seen in her life. A thirty year old white tweaker with a douchebaggy haircut stood before her. His eyes were twitching, his nose was foaming and his arms were shaking uncontrollably. Veins popped in all parts of his body and blood spewed from his ears.
"HEY IT'S VINCE WITH SHAMWOW, YOU'LL BE SAYING WOW EVERY TIME YOU USE THIS TOWEL!" said Vince in a way only a tweaker could.
"who?" asked Owlicious, who was perched by the door
Something inside Vince popped. He lunged for the bird, punching it in the face, knocking it to the floor
"WHAT YOU SAY TO ME PUNK?!" Vince screamed raising his arm for another punch
"OK SHIT MAN! said Owlicious raising his wings to block his face "Aint no one need to get hurt!"
"That's what I thought you said," said Vince, who's jugular veins came close to popping.
He then turned his attention back to the purple unicorn who was scared for her life.
"ITS LIKE A SHAMMY, ITS LIKE A TOWEL, ITS LIKE A SPONGE!" Vince continued
Twilight suddenly remembered the "shamwow". It was the last thing she was about to purchase from Filly Hays. Her heart broke into a million pieces.
"Yeah, i'm not interested, its time for you to leave," said Twilight ushering him to the door
"WAIT!!! YOUREAYOUREAYOUREA," Vince took a deep breath. The coke was starting to get to him. "You're a prostitute right?" asked Vince
"I'm listening," replied Twilight
"You're gonna spend $20 on condoms a month anyways, you're throwin money away!
"Uh huh.."
"WELL THE SUPER ABSORBENT MINI SHAMWOW'S™ ARE FOR EVERYTHING!"
"Mmm hmmm,"
"THIS WILL LAST YOU A DAY," said Vince throwing a used condom at Twilight's face "BUT THIS WILL LAST YOU TEN WHOLE YEARS!" Vince held up the mini Shamwow. "ALL YOU NEED IS A RUBBER BAND, AND WALLA! YOU'VE GOT A MACHINE WASHABLE SUPER CONDOM!"
Twilight was almost sold when she realized the time.
"Oh shit! I gotta go! Charlie sheen hates it when his hooker's are late!"
"WAIT! SHAMWOW HO-"
Twilight cut off
"Yah yah, ShamWOW okay? now get out I gotta get ready!"
The shamwow guy was pushed outside...he had defiantly taken to much coke, for he would be peeing blood tonight
Back on earth, Anthony Sullivan took out his magical crystal soul ball that contained Billy May's immortal soul.
"LISTEN UP YOU DICK LICKING LITTLE SHIT! raged Billy through the ball "THAT QUEER VINCE HAS NEVER OUTSOLD ME, AND HE IS NOT GOING TO OUTSELL MY SON NEITHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
"But daddy....Vince is in a coma from overdose, how can he outsell me?" Anthony said in fear of the wrath of his father
"HE'S NOT IN COMA YOU ASS DIPPER! HE'S IN PONYVILLE SELLING HIS SHIT TO THE BITCH WHO GOT ME KILLED!
"But how am I to get there, Its not like big muscles can teleport me there," said Anthony flexing out
"Well a 2centimeter penis wont get you there either," said Anthony's now very annoyed father
"I may be dead but I'm still an overlord," and In one giant flash both Anthony and Billy-in-a-ball teleported to Ponyville.
Twilight Sparkle sat at he couch doing what all lonely women do, watching a lifetime original movie. She didn't have any jobs booked for the day, but that was about to change. Twilight's Sparkle's phone vibrated, she shuddered in pleasure. After a few moment's of bliss, she reached above her clitoris, and pulled her phone out of her vagina. It was a 1-800 number.
"Hello," asked Twilight answering her phone
"HI, ITS VINCE! ARE YOU AVAILABLE TONIGHT?" asked a very creepy and familiar voice
"Ummm...noooo...Its..uh, fingering night.." lied Twilight not about to give herself in to such a creep
C'mon! If you can do it with one finger, I can do it with my whole hand!
"That's cool," said Twilight about to hang up
"C'mon! you're gonna love my nut's!" said Vince
"Uh...I don't know...."
"Cmon, you're gonna be in a great mood the whole time, cause Ill be slapping your trouble's away by smackin your chops,"
"Fine but you're going to have to pay extra," said Twilight
"20.99 bit's?"
Twilight exhaled "Yeah sure hon, where are you located?"
"Canterlot Castle in room 8-D!"
"Be there in an hour," said Twilight, popping two hole's in a paper bag.
Twilight stumbled down the hallway's of the Canterlot castle. She had a theory that if she got very drunk, It would make the sexy time's with the Shamwow guy time more bearable. She was then approached by a recognizable figure.
"Twiley!" said Shinning Armor giving Twilight a giant hug
Then the alcohol took its tole, and Twiley vomited over Shinning Armor's shoulder!
"whoopsy pussy's," said twilight vomiting some more on the floor.
"That's ey-okay! said Shinning enthusiastcally "The Shamwow hold's 20x its weight in water! He then pulled out a Shamwow and started soaking up the Campbells chunky beef stew.
"Where did you get that?" asked Twilight suspiciously
"Filly Hay's and his son just sold it to me for the amazing price of 19.99!" said shinning armor excitedly
"Filly Hays!? Twilight said in shock "But I watched him die!"
"What are you smok'in little sister? Gotta run, Cadence hates it when I'm late for butthole bleaching night," and with that Shinning armor gave Twilight a wink and teleported off.
Twilight approached the shamwow guys room and knocked. She was greeted by a familiar face.
Vince was wearing a women's leopard skin robe that was two sizes to small.
Twilight winced at the horrific sight that beheld her.
"I betcha you want to lick my cock right about now," said Vince removing the robe revealing a leopard skin G-string
"Not really...." said Twilight realizing the mistake she had made
The Vince bent over into doggy position
"Stick your horn in my butt," Vince said getting incredibly wet
It was now incredibly clear to Twilight that Vince made no habits of wiping his ass. She couldn't take it anymore, she bolted to the door in hopes of escaping. She twisted and pulled the nob but it wouldn't turn. Vince was now full Al-fresco and he realized the purple whorse was trying to escape.
"Where you going babe?" asked Vince approaching Twilight with an extremely throblicous penis..
"HELP!" Twilight screamed in desperation
and help did come.
ANTHONY SULLIVAN BURST THROUGH THE ROOM AND HIT VINCE UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH A RADIO JACK.
Twilight did all she could think to do, she ran over to Anthony and gave him a hug. But Anthony still hadn't put in his side of the plan. In order to ensure Twilight only bought from him, he needed ensured commitment. He then got on to one knee.
"Twilight Sparkle the pathetic prostitute horse, will you marry me?" asked Anthony
"Oh yes!!" said Twilight hugging Anthony "It's all I ever wanted!"
And everyone lived happily ever after.
Except for Vince who died from overdose.
The End.
Author's Note
I didn't really want to post this chapter, but my pre-reader said it was good so yeah. Tell me what you guys think, should I delete this shit?
