Lost

The sun seemed to mock Diamond and I as our hike continued. We had been walking the riverbed for three hours now, and I wasn’t really expecting to find civilization, but that doesn’t mean they should go out of their way to fucking avoid us. I don’t even know if they’re doing that, but I’m pretty sure we should’ve ran into something.

At least Diamond seemed to be enjoying herself, what by the way she was chasing that bright-yellow butterfly around as if she was just a child. To think she just woke up from a three-hour long power-nap on my back only served to perplex me further. This is Equis...

...And Equis pisses you off worse than Discord on cocaine.

I felt miserable and baked, the overly-hot humidity of this fucking place was starting to make me a little irritable.

“Shit, it got away!” I glanced over to my right, the only place Diamond could be due to the fact that the river flowed on my left. She was casually walking the path that would lead her to intercept me as I kept walking.

Shit.

In case you haven’t noticed, I do and say really mean things when I’m irritated. Having said that, you can probably guess how Diamond’s bubbly personality and my gloom and rising irritation will mix.

“Aren’t you tired?” Well wasn’t that a stupid question. Of course I’m tired! I had to carry your ass for three hours while you drooled more spit down my neck than Patrick Star could in one night!

“Me being tired is irrelevant, Diamond. We have to find civilization or some type of safe shelter before nightfall.” I seethed, hoping she’ll take the hint. Out of every hint you could take in your life, pleaseee take this one!

“Well maybe we should have followed the Neman Lion’s scent back to its lair. I’m pretty sure it looked like a solitary predator, so expecting a pride would be a bit much.” Diamond stated as she somehow found her way underneath my cape again. I’m definitely going to put a spell on this shit if that’s gonna keep happening.

“You’d think that to your grave once you reached its lair. Nothing’s worse than being exhausted while fighting for your life. Adrenaline will only get you so far, and once it’s gone...” I trailed off and slid a finger against my neck slowly. cursing when my claw extended and nipped me as I neared the end of its path.

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Diamond replied with a shoulder shrug.

“Naturally,” I falsely agreed, “If you would have ventured to their lair, I would’ve gained some peace and quiet.” Cue evil smile. Diamond recoiled as if she had been struck.

Verbal Backhand, Bitch!

“You wouldn’t have let me go all on my own! Not through a rainforest that houses Neman Lions!” DIamond exclaimed while poking me in the side with a finger playfully.

“You don’t know what I would’ve done, and that’s okay, because I’m an alien. Oh, and it’s ‘Nemean’ Lion: Love Daniel.” My smile didn’t go away as Diamond pouted, sticking her bottom lip out as she hooked her arm around mine.

“So...Would you have done that? You would’ve left me on my own?” Diamond asked quietly after a couple minutes of silent walking. Ah shit...What did I do wrong this time!?

“Hey now, you know that was all in good fun. I’ve had my fair share of ‘friends’ on my old planet, but our friendship was shallow even though I tried pushing on for more. They used my smarts to get by in school, and never returned my likes and interests in kind. That’s how most friendships on my planet work, and someone always ends up getting hurt because of it.” I looked at her and notice her confused face.

“Shit, now I’ve gone off and confused you. What I’m trying to say is, you guys: Sunset, Donna, Ace, Wergal and you; All of you have given me the strength to go on when everything looked bleak. I half expected to come here and start fucking shit up...like, swinging my dick everywhere.” I explained with a half-smile at my remembrance of that thought.

I fucking owned that orphanage.

“I’m sorry, that kind of terminology is lost on me.” Diamond stated jokingly, making me roll my eyes at her poor attempt on comedy.

“Stick to smiling and waving if you’re gonna say crap jokes like that. Jesus, I rather watch Dane Cook for nine hours than listen to anymore of that hogwash.” I belittled her comedic nature, making her playfully punch my ribs. You know, as playful as hulking Diamond Dog arms can get?

Yeah, it fucking hurt.

“God damn it!” I screeched as I stepped over a little bit, still a little sore in the torso area thanks to that scrap with the Nemean Lion a couple hours back. I’m going to be tender around my chest and ribs for a while, so I have zero tolerance for pain in that area. “You know I got hacked up by that lion somehow! Why the fuck would you punch me like that!?” I whined as she chuckled, throwing a softer punch for me.

“Now who’s the princess?” She asked with a shit-eating grin. I rolled my eyes and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, bringing her in tight.

“Oh please. I wouldn’t have felt it if I hadn't finished fucking up a mythical creature. You know, on my planet, the Nemean Lion was rumored to be the offspring of two horrifying monsters whose strength could rival the gods?” Diamond’s ears perked up at this, letting me know she was interested.

“But that’s a tale for another time, I’m afraid. We need to find some shelter or a town. If the Nemean Lion is anything to go by, then I’m safe in assuming that this rainforest houses many more dangers I rather not run into. Gods forbid we run into a fucking bunyip or something else.” I frowned my face up. Why the fuck did I just say that!? I just jinxed the hell out of us!

Damn it all.

“Awwwww,” Diamond whined, “But I was ready to hear that story!”

“Oh well. Now come on, we’re wasting precious daylight by walking at this slow pace.” I turned my walk into a stride, covering more ground with only a slight change to my fatigue. Diamond matched my strides but still fell short given the height difference. Don’t get it twisted though, because she remained on my heels.

Our quickened walk soon brought us to a split in the river. One path led into a thicker part of the rainforest, giving it a jungle feel. The other path, should we choose to cross the water, has little patches of sunlight filtering through the canopy.

Our choice didn’t even have to be vocalized. No vote needed to be taken.

So we were pretty fucking tired as we crawled from the river. Turns out, there were little swells hidden beneath the calm nature of the water’s surface. The fuckers made it a living hell to cross without getting turned around or swept away, and now my cape smelt of wet and dead cat.

Fucking perfect. This is the smell of a perfectly harmless man, by the way.

As I’ve said, I was pretty irritated and would like to leave this hellhole before I skullfuck a chipmunk or something.

“Diamond, do...do you see that...ahead?” I panted as I stood back up, nearly stumbling as the fatigue of carrying her ass and walking for five hours was finally catching up to me. The husky-colored diamond dog looked at the spot I was talking about, her tired face breaking out into a manic grin as she panted heavily.

Just like a little doggy!

“Y-yeah...Yeah I do! Come on!” I will never understand where this bitch gets her energy from. And she wants me to bump uglies with her?

She done lost her mind. I’d probably die a shriveled up prune as she whines about not getting off.

Regardless of inner problems, I begrudgingly left the tender embrace of the dirt floor and followed her through the trees, hoping that this sunlight meant one thing.

And that one thing, ladies and gentlemen, was more rainforest.

“FUCK!” I yelled out loud in anger. Diamond looked at our new surroundings with a visage of disappointment ever rising. She even sneered at the yellow butterfly from earlier, attempting to chomp it out of the air. “Grrr..How the fuck are we gonna get out of here!? We don’t have a map: it’s getting dark, there a fucking predators in this forest, we’re both tired, and if we don’t die by hypothermia because of the cold water, then you can expect some type of fucking virus to get us!”

*Growl!*

“NO!” I yelled at the shrubs where the growl came from. “None of that! Go back in your fucking forest and rot from the ass out!” I heard a whimper as the beast scurried away, my rant dousing its predatory instincts before it could have pounced.

I felt my stomach rumble.

“Great!” I said with a defeated shake of my head. “Now I’m fucking hungry. I don’t have to fucking eat for two days and a night, and now I want to be hungry!? Bloody hell.” I sat down on my ass and crossed my arms, throwing a full tantrum.

Diamond came up to my side and sat down next to me. She scooted her body till she was leaning on me again, her eyes looking up into mine.

“We’re so lost.” She said with a defeated tone to her voice.

“We’re not lost, we’re just,” I paused, “Exploring without cause.”

“Not buying it.” Diamond said quickly, making me snicker as I laid down on the ground, taking the bitch (dog term this time) with me.

“Yeah, I thought you wouldn’t.” I sighed. “You know, things could get a little hard out here. We’re practically defenseless, save for my badassery, and we don’t have shelter to confide in.” With nothing better to do I addressed the elephant in the room.

“It’s a good thing we’re not lost or anything.” Added Diamond with a smug tone of voice, making me roll my eyes at her childish behaviour.

“Fine, we’re lost. Now that the second and least important elephant in the room is accounted for, I say we take a ten minute break and continue walking.” Diamond shifted uncomfortably, rubbing her back legs together based on the fact that I heard the noise coming from down there, and both of her front paws were currently hooked around my arm.

“Well...I think I might have an idea of how to find help.” Diamond whispered with a heavy blush on her face.

...Is this girl serious!?

“We could...um..that is to sa-”

“Fuck?” I quickly added, not wanting to chase the rabbit around the hole if I could help it.

I could tell that’s what she wanted, because she hadn’t answered me back. For a lady who came onto me so strong that she had actually made me Nope The Fuck Out, this sudden shyness held some appeal that I could not describe.

It was almost as if her actions were coated in a powerful aphrodisiac, blinding me with sudden libido as I felt her heart pump against my arm. Her wanting expression as she slides herself up my arm so that our muzzles are practically touching almost goes unnoticed.

...Almost.

“W-Whoa. The fuck? What are you doing?” I asked with a raised eyebrow as Diamond’s clouded eyes refocused. She shook herself awake and slapped her tail between her legs.

‘N-n-n-nothing! Hehe, nothing at all!” She laughed like she did something bad and failed to cover it up in time.

“Alrighty then, so we almost bumped uglies. That wouldn’t of been much fun, especially since we know so little about each other! Heh, talk about awkward!” The hypocritical irony didn’t escape me as the romp between Donna and I flashed through my mind. Needless to say it had me feeling hot and bothered, but I dismissed it with a nervous tug to the collar of my cape.

Diamond looked a little crestfallen that I hadn’t taken the initiative, but I guess that’s what happens when I make decisions fueled by lust and nothing else. Note to self, Diamond Dog hormones are potent.

No longer feeling tired, mostly because of what just happened, I got back up and continued walking down the path. I knew weariness was going to catch up with me sometime soon, so I figured that the more ground we covered, the less I have to worry about the density of the forest and the predators therein.

“Yeah...” I barely heard DIamond say as she whispered it. Her voice didn’t sound so happy either.

“I’m starting to think pranking you was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. My stomach’s making the rumblies, and I’m starting to regret leaving that succulent Lion body back there.” I complained to Diamond as she pulled herself tighter against me. She had snuggled up to my left again and I finally understood why she was so clingy.

She’s soaked.

In fact, she’s wetter than Lisa Lampanelli at a Popeyes! If you don’t get the joke, then you’re not going to enjoy the ones that are sure to follow! Oh, and if you complain about me being racist...

...Cry harder.

Nevertheless, I chuckled out loud from my vulgar thought. This earned me the attention of my female traveling companion.

“What’s so funny?” Diamond asked as she reached through the slit that serves as the opening for my cape, using her hand to then pull it closer. She inadvertently choked me for a little, but noticed my pained expression and relented a little of her force.

“It’s alien humor; you wouldn’t get it.” I said dismissively with some mirth in there for good measure. She rolled her eyes and went back to just walking and snuggling. I wasn’t too eager for the snuggling bit, but I guess you win some and you lose some.

It wasn’t long before I started getting bored. Back on Earth, I normally sang my ass off when I was bored. DIdn’t care where I did it either. Just sang.

I guess I could do some lung plucking now...

I started thinking of a good song to sing at a time like this. Normally, I would sing some metal or rock. Country’s good, but I don’t dig the slowness of some songs. There’s always J-rock, but my Japanese is rubbish and I don’t feel like embarrassing myself.

Hmmm? If only I could remember...Aha! I know I may not have a Joel that would sing in harmony with me, but I’m really feeling some Trenton right now! Plus, it was HLH and MLP that got me through my ‘Suicide/Runaway’ part of my life. Time to pay some homage!

Welp, here goes...

I cleared my throat, garnering the attention of my companion as I began singing.

I wade through the earth, sowing my own.

Bound up in discords, spread in the stones.

Planting deep into ready fears.

Soak in these heavy rains.

Break from your chrysalis beneath the clay.

Though I’ll leave you behind.

I’m all the while, wanting, to make my way home.

All the while, watching, to see just how you’ve grown!

I begun getting a little creeped out by the way some squirrels and other woodland creatures began poking their heads out from the brush. I mean, do I look like a Disney Princess!? I can’t even sing that high! I mostly do screams and growls for metal and rock bands!

That’s the farthest you can be from a fucking princess! Regardless, the creatures kept on coming out as I entered the chorus.

I’m the seeds among you, I am emerald blades.

With other sides and deeper shades.

Oh! I’m the weeds among you, I’m constriction!

I’m the tightness in your chest.

I could ruin you.

I stopped singing, watching as the deer and groundhogs stopped moving and glared at me. Diamond even frowned at me!

“Why’d you stop.” She practically growled.

“Uh...” I shifted my eyes around nervously, trying to defuse this weird-as-fuck situation as quickly as possible. My eyes settled on Diamond’s narrowed ones as my brain fell short of a good reason. “...Water break?” I asked nervously, mentally beating the fuck out of my brain for that stupid excuse of a-

“Oh.” DIamond said as she turned her head forward, allowing me to exhale in relief. If she wanted to, I believe Diamond could have slashed me across the neck or something! Because of the close proximity, stopping her attack would’ve been too hard!

I could’ve died!

“Are you going to continue?” Diamond asked as she looked back at me.

“Uh....noooo~?” I tried again, even faking some really bad coughs.

“Ugh...fine. But promise me you’ll sing that song again!” Diamond’s voice was actually very tough and grizzled. This, of course, threw me for a loop.

“Fine, jeez! Lay off, mom.” I snapped as I walked out of her embrace and down the road. What the hell is going on in this crazy-ass forest!? I stop singing and half the fauna, including my companion, want to string me up by my nuts and jab my eyes out with rusty sporks!?

Does Equis even have sporks!?

...

I’m hungry...