These Hallowed Woods

“Wuzzat!? Who be dat!?” A scraggly voice set my nerves ablaze as I stretched out an arm over Diamond’s chest. We waited in absolute silence. “I’ya heard ya timp-tompin’! Ain’t no reason to hide!” The scraggly voice of a male called out to my left.

I powered up my gloves. What? I’m not taking any chances!

“Ah, there ya be! I been thinkin somebody be round deez parts, but then think, ‘Who be dumb nuff to be off in Spinner’s country!?’” A bright-yellow unicorn stallion with a dirty-grey mane and tail, dressed in what I could only describe as a Friar’s coat/hoodie thing, moseyed on out from the brush like he owned the joint.

I willed my Sirios unit to nullify the activation of my gloves, feeling the weapons transform back into rings.

“Now, what’s a scaley and furry doin out here!? Had half a mind thinkin’ it was sum ol’ skag-lick of an ‘ad-ven-chur-ur’!” He gave a chuckle into his hoof, making me turn my head towards Diamond to see what she made of this loon.

She shrugged and gave me her best look of being off-put. I rolled my eyes at the hopelessness of the situation. I really didn’t have time for a drunken, backwoods, country bumpkin with nothing better to do than drown himself in moonshine and oats. He reminds me of the Swamp Benders from Avatar.

He even gave that nasally laugh...

“Ya’ll ain’t fixin ta eat me, are ya?” He asked warily all of a sudden. His face became unsure and his eyes darted around as he finally realized the danger of the situation.

“No...?” Diamond answered as she let go of my arm and decided to snuggle under it. Poor thing, I could feel her shivering. We’re gonna need a place to dry off and quick.

“Good,” He exclaimed with a smile that showcased his teeth....all 32 and a fourth. One of his front teeth had a hole through the middle, which was extra apparent due to the fact he’s a fucking horse so his teeth are huge, “So wut can I do ya’ll fer?”

“We’re trying to leave this rainforest!” I said quickly, hoping he catches on to the desperation in my voice.

“Woah dere! Well if ya’ll were lookin fer the exit, ya rightly passed it to get here!” He chuckled for a bit. “This here forest is known fer misleadin fellas! Those with impure hearts may find it a little too difficult to get past these woods!”

“I’m sorry, but did you say ‘impure hearts’?...As in evil?” I asked incredulously. The Swamp Pony nodded his thick head. I don’t know how I never noticed this, but this guy seems to be no less than thirty, but the multiple wrinkles on his face are trying to tell me otherwise. This guy’s been in this rainforest a long time.

“Dat’s right. These hallowed woods, dubbed ‘Paladin Woods’ by your’s truly,” He gave a prideful dip of the head and a smug smile, “Are known to house godly creatures and raw magic.”

Did his speech just change? I could’ve sworn I was talking to a bumpkin earlier, but now it seems like he’s been in a book all his life!? Was it just a cover-up, a clever ruse made to hide his true self from the woods...and more importantly...us? Is he a danger and I was right to power up my gloves?

I’m smelling foul play.

“Now Paladin Woods isn’t marked on any type of map, and there’s a good reason for that. You see, Paladin Woods houses the long sought after, Fountain of Youth.” My eyes went big at that. “But, that’s just the surface of what this eutopia holds! I’ve seen most of it with my own eyes! The only problem is that it’s impossible to enter these woods again once you exit...good thing for me that I never did.” The Swamp Pony gave a slow dip of his head with a smile on his face.

“So once we leave here, we can’t go back?” I already knew the answer, but it’s always good to double check.

“That is correct.” The pony affirmed with a sage dip of his head.

“...How long have you been here?” I asked worriedly.

He seemed crestfallen there, almost contemplating. “...One-thousand-five-hundred years.”

I was eating dirt with my mouth. Due to my lack of input, Diamond quickly stated what was on her mind.

“But that’s impossible!” She exclaimed.

“Excluding the Fountain of Youth’s effects, than yes. The only other semi-immortal beings are the princesses of Equestria, and that’s because of their nature.” The pony stated as he sat down. “Ah, where are my manners!? I’m Cosmic Spinner!” He said in a cheerful manner as he scooted forward on his ass and extended a hoof.

Still wary about this guy’s true intentions, I cautiously extended my own appendage and shook hands with him. “I’m Silas and that’s Diamond.” When I said my name his eyes went wide in some show of an unknown emotion.

“You...You’re human...”

“WHAT!!!???” I screamed in fear and shock, instantly retracting my hand back. How the fuck does he know what a human is!? And how the fuck does he know one by touch!?

“What’s a human?” Diamond asked, looking at me with a raised eyebrow, “They sound really bad.”

You don’t know the half of it.

“I’ve spent all my life studying some strange but powerful magics. Scrying and illusions were my specialty, so I set about making my specialties all the more special. So I thought, why not just scry a very faraway galaxy and see what happens! After ten years of rigorous, mind-shattering training was I able to realize my dream! It happened...on a windy night I believe...and I saw a blue planet that was much like Equis.” He placed a hoof on his chin and looked towards the canopy.

“I willed my mind to venture further, the pressure I was feeling becoming amplified by ten fold. You could liken the feeling to carrying a stack of bricks on your head. Regardless, what I saw astounded me as much as it horrified me. War in its darkest form mixed with joy in its purest. How a world can survive knowing that every country has a weapon that’s able to complete an act of genocide in no more than a minute truly perplexes me.” Cosmic gave a sad shake of his head.

“When fools have power, they often use it to make themselves better. They will always be fools, however, and I fear that one of them will make a decision where the whole planet shall suffer immensely. My condolences, Mr. Human. I didn’t know your kind was one to act so selfishly, so much so that they would rather see others put to death for their self-important goals.” A sad expression adorned the surprisingly wise bumpkin as he dipped his head at me.

“That’s all it ever dwindles down to, Cosmic. It’s all about me and what I can do to survive. But I don’t want to survive...” I stated as anger rose up in me out of the hate I kept inside for my race. “I want to live! I don’t want anyone to fear, anyone to follow behind! That’s not living, that’s surviving with the illusion of living! That’s not the life I wanted, and every day I wished for an escape. Every day I wished the world would hurry up an end, to destroy itself with those fucking missiles they hang over everyone’s head!” I seethed, panting heavily from my tirade. I even pushed DIamond off of me and began pacing, doing my best to avoid confrontation with anything.

“You could only see how everything was. It’s much, much different when you live there! From the day you’re born, the first thing they teach you is how to walk on two legs. The next ninety-nine years are spent on your hands and knees, serving those who hold more power and money than you! Even after retirement, you’re nothing without that government stipend! We’re led on like dogs, held close at hand by a leash and never allowed to make eye contact with those who hold it.” I finished with a snap of my jaws.

Diamond looked genuinely afraid, but I couldn’t care less at this point. WHY AM I SO GODDAMN ANGRY!!!

“Mr. Human you must calm down! The anger you’re expelling will only serve to incur the wrath of Paladin Woods! Even now the forest cries out for your destruction!” Cosmic pleaded as he tried laying a hoof on me.

“DON’T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME!!!” I yanked him by the hoof, turning my body as I threw him against a nearby tree. He let out a pained holler as his side smacked against it.

“Stop...you fool!” Cosmic continued through pained gasps as his horn glowed, becoming encompassed in a shimmering grey aura. I felt an unfamiliar presence on my body, then felt weightless as I was lifted from the ground.

“PUT ME DOWN!!!” I smacked my chest with a fist, making the unicorn give a pained holler as I physically attacked his mind. Just fucking let me go!!!

I began beating my chest rapidly, roaring my fury into the heavens all the while. It took all but ten hits before Cosmic Spinner lost his power over me. I bursted the aura by compacting into a ball shape and exploding my body outwards in all directions. His aura bursted like a bubble, a dozen or more grey and sparkly dots buzzed through the forest.

“Silas...” Diamond breathed as I marched up to the old pony and held him up by his neck against the tree I threw him against. I added just enough pressure to choke him a little.

“Now you’re gonna fucking pay for using that shit on me. I don’t give a flying fuck about you, or this stupid-ass overgrown garden here!” I pulled him towards me and shoved him back against the tree.

WHY AM I SO ANGRY!!!???

“You’re so naive. I told you that Paladin Woods seeks to destroy all evil. This is a place where the godliest of creatures roam, and where the purest of magic spreads. I warned you about this place, but now you have to face the consequences.” He choked on his next breath as I added more pressure. He started doing what I like to call the Donald Duck.

“Fuck you and this piece of shit forest. It’s been pissing me off since I got back. Now if you’ll excuse me,” I hooked him across the face, reaping him of his consciousness as I let go of his neck and let him fall. GOD THAT FELT GOOD, “I have a ship to catch.”

I turned around to find Diamond against the tree opposite of my positioning, shaking like a leaf in a windstorm.

“Are you coming?” I asked with a raised eyebrow, my anger suddenly gone. I have no idea what came over me there, but it felt remarkably good to hit that old shit in his face. I’ll have to converse with the aliens inside my head about that.

“...Why’d you do that?” She asked between shakes and a fierce bout of stuttering.

“I don’t know, but I fear it’s this forest. It’s getting under my skin somehow, making me angry or irritable. If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been Grumpy Cat all day now. I’d like that to end as soon as possible.” I stated dryly, fluffing my dry cape with a stylish flourish and beginning to walk back the way we came.

Cosmic said we passed the way out, which could only mean that the dark path from before was the way out...I hope. Eh, if push comes to shove I’ll just have to burn this whole place down.

I feel as though there’s a deep wrenching within me, like something’s being pulled. It doesn’t help that it hurts like hell, either. Something’s either wrong with me, or this forest isn’t as hallowed as Cosmic Spinner thi-

I stopped as my eyes went wide. Sweat began to appear along my brow as my mind raced with paranoia. That stallion I just attacked...he said he was alive a thousand years ago. He said he studied weird forms of magic for a living! And his name...oh how could I have been so blind!?

I bit my lip as I thought about what type of wrath I just summoned up from the forest. And knowing that I just manhandled who could possibly be one of the strongest unicorns in that ever existed, I knew for a fact that it would be high.

Because you never fuck with a white mage, especially when it’s Starswirl the Bearded...