Getting Shit Done

A warm feeling, like having a warm rag pressed against your cheek that’s devoid of water, made me wake up slowly. I fluttered my eyes, taking in the pure blue sky and the wisps of cotton that lazily floated by. The sun decided to be extra bright today, but it was still a little cold. That gentle breeze from yesterday was still rolling about the clearing, chilling me to the bone as I remembered taking off my jacket and turning it into a makeshift pillow for Sunset Shimmer.

“Life may be weird now, but at least it’s better than being human. As far as I’m concerned, by the way my mom told me, I was gonna have to kiss a lot of ass in order to get anywhere. Fuck that,” I thought with a frown, “In fact, fuckEarth! I’m not even mad at Ole Col’ for sending me here anymore; shit, ponies are more accepting than humans are!”

I was starting this day off like I did all my days back on Earth. Which normally started with me cursing my life and wishing nothing short of the Apocalypse for all humanity. They’re disgusting animals who deserve to have all their ejaculations replaced with fire.

Shoutouts to Dethklok....the crazy bastards.

Now that I was in my grumpy mood I decided to actually get some shit done today. Besides, it’s not like I have any real grasp on this world and on my body....yet. I plan to change all of that within the course of today, however.

I looked down, noticing the still slumbering form of Sunset Shimmer on my leg. She’s out like a Jehovah's Witness’s porchlight on Halloween.

All that shit that happened when I first got here was fake. That wasn’t me. It was just a hectic time because I woke up in a body without any explanation for it. I’m bipolar, but it’s only minutely and when I’m under severe amounts of stress that it comes out. All that shit about not wanting to be alone anymore was just my emotions getting the best of me.

Truth is...I don’t know what I want. I’m indecisive. Back on Earth, I was friends with pretty much the entire football team at my high school. But because of my....hobby, I was constantly flamed everyday. Words like faggot or homo or gay were thrown around alot. But there wasn’t really anything I could do about it, and it didn’t necessarily make me angry.

What did, however, is when one of my football friends called me a ‘Faggot-Ass Brony’ in front of the girl who had been friendzoning me since middle school. Let me be more specific.

I liked this girl ever since the sixth grade; made multiple attempts to ‘woo’ her since then, and am currently in my sophomore year of high school.

No surprise I caught an attempted murder charge that day when I took out one of my big textbooks from my book-bag and proceeded to whip some dumb-jock ass.

And boy did it feel gooood~!

But I’m sure my anger won't be a problem, seeing as there are no more humans around me.

“Get up.” I deadpanned as I shook Sunshine Shimmer’s head roughly, wanting her to wake up as soon as possible. I was cold, and the fucking breeze in this clearing wasn’t doing shit to help me.

“Hmm...w-huh?” She grumbled as she broke out into a yawn, waking up slowly. I had no time for this shit.

So, without saying another word, I got up quickly while grabbing my jacket out from under her. She fell, of course, and thudded her head upon the ground. Not my fault. She should’ve been quicker with waking up.

So what if I’m an asshole. Deal with it.

“Ow! Hey!” Sunset yelled as she started picking herself up. I had already begun walking towards the front of my rover, hoping that Siri would respond and let me in before I’d have to-

“Silas! That wasn’t very nice!” She called after me. Even though I’m an asshole, I would be scum if I didn’t have my chivalry and manners...............to a point. She’s also right, and I would hate to see my chances of finding hospitality diminish because of some prissy, space-obsessed nerd.

I’m a gentleman, so that stays in my head until she pisses me off.

“What? Oh, I’m sorry.” I deadpanned, not being sincere but hiding it very well. You learn to do that on Earth, especially if your bullies are stronger than you physically. It always feels good to outsmart them, however.

“Apology accepted. Now, if you don’t mind me asking,” She trailed off as I turned my head to acknowledge her. She took this as a sign of me listening, “Are you getting ready to....go inside?” Her face seemed to brighten up as an excited smile foretold what she was getting at.

“Yes. And....no. No, you can’t go inside my ship. Why? Because I don’t feel like explaining ‘what this button does’ or ‘what does this thing do’.” I responded bemusedly, which is probably how my face is going to stay throughout the entirety of my stay here. I have nothing to be happy about, except the fact that I’m away from my kin.

And my smarts. I love my smarts.

“Why not?” She pleaded, almost begged. That’s something else I didn’t like. How all these ponies, no matter what their age, save Celestia, act like they’re little kids. It’s irksome and distasteful.

“Whining will get you nowhere. Now be quiet. This takes severe concentration.” I responded instantly and harshly. If she couldn't take normal answers then that’s her own damn fault. But I know she’ll pick up on me being irritated. And if she doesn’t because she’s a tactless mare, then once again, it’s her fault. Not mine, her’s.

I once read a story on Fimfiction.net where a brony was transported to Equestria. It was awful and I hated it.

Mostly because it was ‘HumanxPony’ smut with no real story to it. Just mindless sex with three or four paragraphs of actual story a chapter. A pity that the perverseness and immorality of homosapiens can spread to even this fandom. Truly sickening. A fandom where I could get away from the turmoils of life as a human, only to find that it’s been corrupted by shit like clop-pics and clopfics.

I love Earth.

“SIRI!!! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR BULLSHIT!!! NOW EITHER YOU SHOW ME HOW TO OPEN THIS THING, OR I’M GONNA RIP THE CLOSEST THING THAT RESEMBLES A ROBOT’S VAGINA FROM MY ROVER!!!” I yelled, feeling the ground shake as my voice boomed across the clearing and some of the woods perhaps.

I waited with a sour look on my face before my left eye began....buzzing?

“The fuck?”  I lifted a hand up to my left eye and proceeded to rub it. I jumped when I heard a click come from my eye.

“The fuck?” I repeated out loud as I slowly brought my hand down, watching as a sliver of dark-blue light funneled from my left eye. Just what the hell is going her-....

“Oh. I forgot about that Sirios unit I put in my eye. Siri had said it was for gathering and sending information. Hmmm...I wonder if that included speech. If I’ve been out here the entire time without knowing I could’ve used this, I will personally hit myself in the manjewels.”  I thought morosely.

Not really knowing how to use this thing, I simply opted for that thing all secret service agents do with those things in their ear. I put two fingers, my middle and my pointer, up to my left eye and waited for any sort of feedback.

“Hello, Silas. I’m glad to see that you’ve figured out how to communicate with me via your Sirios unit. I’m sorry for-”

“Yeah, hold that thought toots.” I said as I balled the hand I was using to hold against my eye up, then, after having the toughest battle with my pride as a man, I rocked my crotch.

“SON OF A BITCH!!!” I screamed out, making Sunset Shimmer, who had come up on the side of me without knowing, flop her ears down against her head.The ground rumbled from the completion of my word, and a couple of crows flew from their rests in the trees.

I fell on my knees, both of my hands massaging my surprisingly vacant crotch as a strong feeling of nausea almost made me upchuck. I swallowed it, and I don’t think I have to tell you what it was, and continued taking deep breaths as I tried to work the pain out. After five or so minutes, I was staggering back to my legs.

“Why....did you do that?” Sunset asked, quite appalled that any male would do that to themselves.

I looked at her, with a tear hanging from my right eye and gave her a thumbs-up.

“Because....I’m a man.”

I’ve goofed off too much. I’m losing precious day time, and I’ve yet to enter my home. I’m cold, mostly because I haven’t put on my fucking jacket, and I have a pony who’s only infatuated with me because I’m an alien.

Deciding to no longer waste anymore time, I put on my jacket and hastily placed my fingers on my closed left eye. Which is, by the way, the only way to enter communications mode.

“Open the door. And I also want to know why I couldn’t come in during the night. Being a robot, you don’t have shit like hypothermia to worry about.” I demanded, wanting to get out of this verily hated Fall weather.

“Opening door.” The stairs came out from their hidden compartment and the door opened with a ‘pssh!’ sound. I began my ascent quickly, throwing a glance at Sunset Shimmer as she pouted and ‘harrumphed’ loudly. “The rover; which is what I shall be calling it until a name is selected by the Captain, was recharging via the solar-energy panels on the roof behind the antenna. All electronic functions were cut off, including comms, until ample power was restored. I apologize for any problems this may have caused, but I am also able to say that power has reached full capacity.”

Huh. Guess she had her reasons.

“Alright. Then tell me when your next recharge is. I don’t want to be caught outside at the wrong time. Especially when the wrong time consists of me being outside in the cold temperatures of Fall. I fucking hate Fall.” I responded.

“Recharge will begin after six months of operation. All power was used during the hyper-speed flight to the planet, which is why recharge was necessary. Is there anything else, Silas?” Siri is about the only thing I actually enjoy being around. Well, Siri and myself.

“Yeah...” I trailed off as I found my head traveling to Sunset Shimmer, who was still glaring at me with a pout as I stood in front of the open door on the last step. I then turned my head to look inside, remembering the layout instantly. “See if you can have some food brought out for me and a glass of water for the mare.” I said as I headed inside, but not before shifting my eyes to look at the look of pure joy sliding its way across Sunset’s face as I entered.

You can add suave to the list of all my traits now.

“Oh....My.....Celestia.” I sat down in the captain’s chair and looked at Sunset Shimmer, who looked like her face was going to rip at the seams. As in her whole face was a smile as she scanned every nook and cranny of my spaceship, using teleports and magical, scans, with her horn.

“You’re like a kid getting a new toy! Just don’t touch anything.” I called out, making her turn her head and give a happy snort in confirmation. I could even see the white cloud come from her nose all anime-style and what not. I’m not even gonna question it.

“It’s just.....so COOL! You can’t even BEGIN to realize how long I’ve waited for a day like this to come to pass! It’s just....AMAZING!” She ranted as she performed a teleport onto the Astral Dais, pointing her horn down and scanning it. She then pulled a notepad and pencil from seemingly nowhere, which is still pretty weird, and began writing what I can only assume to be notes down furiously.

“Hear that Siri? She thinks you’ve got a nice bod.” I quipped, knowing full well that robots don’t have bodies to complement.

“I’m flattered, tiny horse creature.” I gave a snort and cupped a hand around my mouth to stop myself from laughing out loud. Ho-ly SHIT, was that the funniest way to describe a pony or what!? ESPECIALLY, since their sentient! That shit’s comedy.

“Um...It’s Sunset Shimmer.” She corrected as I put my hand down and leaned back in my chair, becoming absorbed with the feeling of leather caressing my massive wings and back.

“My apologies, Ms. Shimmer. Your refreshments will be out soon. I am currently bringing them from the kitchen.”

I raised my eyebrow. “We have a kitchen? What else do we have on my rover thing?” My question rung out unanswered for a while, with Sunset Shimmer holding up her pencil and notepad in her magic aura, waiting for an answer as well.

“I’ve sent the schematics to your Sirios unit. In order to access the files, you must think about them. Try it now.”

I don’t like being ordered around, so with a grimace I did as I was told. I thought about what the schematics would look like if they were displayed on holo-panels, which could be manipulated like in Dead Space. Lo’ and behold, my left eye shot out a beam an arm’s length in front of my face, bringing up a dark-blue fuzzy holo-screen with the interior of my rover in white.

All the rooms were labeled, so it wasn’t hard distinguishing them from the rest. This is fucking boss. It covered everything from distances to each room, to the various activities and uses a room has. There was even a separate image detailing the intricate wiring of my rover.

“Alright, so there’s a bathroom right outside the command-bridge. The only door out of here is...” I stood up, keeping my attention focused on my surroundings and the HUD, which is what I’ll be calling this from now on. Because, let’s face it, who hasn’t played a first-person shooter and would think of this thing as nothing else?

I held my sentiment as my body found what appeared to be a solid wall in front of me. The HUD suddenly changed, asking me if I wanted to open the door in all-white letters. I saw a red rectangle and a green rectangle on my HUD screen underneath the letters, which I quickly discerned to be ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Simple enough.

The HUD with the intricate design went away when I deemed it an eyesore. It wasn’t really needed, ‘cause I’m not gonna bust my ass with repairs any time soon.

Getting back on track...

I pressed the green one, hearing it boop and then open the door instantly. I peered into the hallway, which was actually a stairway that led down and a door to my right as I exited the command-bridge.

I glanced at the door, then at my HUD. It’s a bathroom.

The kitchen was down the steps and....right there. This is a trailer. Who puts a bathroom above a kitchen?

I lost all my motivation, so I quickly turned around just to come face to face with an excited Sunset Shimmer.

“JESUS, MARY AND ALL OF NAZARETH!!!” I screamed as I jumped back in fright.....

....When there’s a staircase behind me....

....Shit.

“OW! FUCK! SHIT! DAMN IT! CUNT!” I landed on my chin with the rest of my body hanging in the air for about two seconds before it came tumbling down. It hurt...everywhere!

“Are...Are you alright?” Sunset asked with genuine concern. Really? I just fell like a sack of bowling balls and you ask me if I’m alright!!!???

“Does it LOOK like I’m alright you ASSHAT!!??” I let out a sigh as I slowly picked myself up. “You know what; I had absolutely no reason to snap on you like that. I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m......easily angered, you see. I just snap out at random intervals. I’ve always had problems dealing with my anger.” What the hell am I doing telling her my backstory?

It’s Equestria or Equis or whatever the fuck you want to call this world. It’s like.....impossible to stay angry.

I hate it.

“Apology accepted. Ooo, deja vu. Anyways, I’m officially blown away by your living arrangements. Everything’s exactly like I thought it to be in my dreams. The smell of antiseptics and ingenuity, the all-white decor and metal, and even the A.I! Oh, I couldn’t thank you enough for letting me live out one of my-”

“A simple ‘thank you’ would suffice. No need to evacuate all the air in your lungs and asphyxiate because you want to thank me. Besides, I’m not worth dying over anyway.” I waved her thanks off with a hand and turned around, throwing a glance at her as she stood at the top of the fourteen-or-so steps.

I had time to count while I was acquainting my face and back with them.

“Alright! So tour’s over, and if you have any questions for Captain Silas I recommend shoving it! Now, back to the bridge with you.” I shooed her off as I began my slow and painful climb up the stairs, wincing every now and then when I stepped on my bruised foot or expanded a sore muscle due to my tumble.

She glared but obeyed, putting her notepad and pencil away and turning around to head into the command-bridge.

I was one step away from reaching the top when a tray of amethysts shot from the wall and scared the crap out of me. Which in turn, made me jump back in fear.....

....while on the steps.....

“BALLS! COCK! FUCK! SHIT! DAMN IT!!!” And same position for the win. Isn’t that just grand?

“Your food is ready, Silas.”

“Fuck you.” I responded bitterly. No seriously...fuck this.

I snatched my silver tray from the white table on the steps as I climbed them again, hearing it zip back into the wall as I walked past it. Once I entered the command-bridge, I noticed Sunset Shimmer sitting in my Captain’s chair while tapping her front hooves together, simultaneously looking at me with a shit-eating grin of revenge.

“Did you enjoy your trip?”

“Eat me and get the hell out of my seat. And just for that joke, I’m not giving you any of my gems.” I stopped as she began laughing at me. The hell is so funny?

“Ponies can’t eat gems, moron.” She remarked dryly, getting out of my seat and opting to stand next to me as I sat down, tray in hand as I popped one of the four amethysts in my mouth. Delicious.

“Who said anything about eating them, dipshit? For all you know, they could be space gems.” I asked her with a raised eyebrow as I simultaneously swallowed the gem mush in my mouth. I fucking love gems!

Sunset ‘facehooved’ herself, which brought a throaty chuckle from me.

“And now you’re not getting a single one! A pity, honestly.” I teased as she glared and....growled like a dog? No seriously! This bitch growled like an ankle-biter!

“I don’t appreciate you mocking me! Besides; what’s stopping me, exactly, from just taking one of those gems off your plate, hmm?” She asked crossly. I wasted no time in shoving all the gems into my mouth, chewing on them quickly and then swallowed them. I hated having to do that, but it was the only way of safeguarding them against an old hag with a knack for trying to prove people wrong.

“That.” I responded simply, giving her a taunting smile afterwards. You lose, I win. That’s just the way things go toots!

“Do you remember the time I called you insufferable?” I could already tell where this was going.

“Let me guess....You meant it?” I responded instantly, making her smile and evil smile.

“I forgot callous, barbaric and idiotic; but yes, I did mean it!” She then smiled in victory, as if her insults actually held any sway on my emotions. Bitch I got 99 problems and you ain’t one!

“Oh no. My poor, poor heart just exploded in mine wee chest. I beg of thee cruel maiden! Remove thine verbal dagger from mine virgin heart!” I flipped her off afterwards.

“Beast!” She retorted.

“Harlot.” I replied simply.

“Neanderthal!”

“Cum Dumpster.”

“Freak!”

“Bar Wench.”

“Idiot!”

“Two-Bit Floozie.”

“Scum!”

“The only thing that opens more than your mouth is your vagina, which reeks of week-old tilapia.” I responded, finishing our argument as her mouth hung open like it was attached to puppet strings.

“Word of advice? Never enter a battle of wits with an alien. You’ll lose. Badly.” I leaned back in my chair as she continued to catch flies in her mouth for some time. After about five minutes,  I heard a yell come from the outside of my rover.

You know what? I’m coming up with a name for my new home. I’m not gonna sit here and keep calling this shit the ‘rover' forever!

“Mr.Silas! Mr.Silas are ya’ in there!?” That would be Jack.

“Siri, open the door. I believe our broken friend here needs interaction with one of her own in order to work again.” I motioned at Sunset Shimmer, to which the door opened and the steps went out.

How do I know this?

Because my kickass HUD was monitoring everything that moved, that’s how! I fucking love being an alien.

I waited until the sound of cloven hooves walking on steps reached my ears and then stopped. I turned my head to look at Jack, who was dressed in his overalls from yesterday with a goofy smile on his face. I love that kid.

“Mr. Silas.........Ya’...Ya’ house is AWESOME!” He exclaimed with a huge smile on his face, making me give a dismissive chuckle.

“Wow, Siri! You’re even getting looks from kids!” I taunted my A.I as Jack sauntered up beside Sunset Shimmer, who promptly broke out of her daze and offered him a smile.

“I appreciate your praise, juvenile bovine specimen.”

I lost my shit.

“AHAHAHAHAAHAH....You’re the....You’re the most socially awkward computer program in existence!!! AHAHAHAHAH!!!” I was throwing my legs about and clutching my sides as the sheer absurdity of that greeting made my day. That’s two for two Siri! Two for fucking two!

“Ms. Shimmer? What’s given Mr. Silas a case of tha’ gigglies?” Jack asked as he held the wicker gift-basket in both of his small hands. Bless his heart. The thing was almost as big as he was!

“Oh I could tell you multiple things,” She started with a scowl in my direction, “But they’re gonna have to wait until you’re older, Jack-Jack. Okay?” She asked him with a smile, making the mini minotaur smile with his infant sized teeth on full display.

I eventually came down from my fit and instantly noticed the gift-basket in Jack’s hands.

“What’s in the basket, Jack? Did you bring me something good?” I wasn’t hungry, so I guess you could say I was hungry for knowledge. More specifically, for that map I was promised yesterday.

“It’s something me Mom cooked up for ya’! And a map of Equis like ya’ requested from Papa!” He started as he walked up to me and presented the gift-basket, to which I took off his hands with one of my own and sat it on my lap, “He told me to tell ya’ to visit Stonehaven today! It’s the village to the west of here, and all the minotaurs are antsier than a squirrel with itching powder to meet ya’!” He finished as he climbed up onto my lap unannounced.

If this was any other kid, they would've gotten the boot. But since it’s Jack.....Well.....You can’t say no. And I could say no to just about anything and anyone!

“Oh, you! Now how about we open this thing, yeah?” I asked with growing excitement that would soon match Jack’s. This kid’s happiness is....infectious! And I’m okay with this.

“Yeah!” Jack responded quickly, making me ruffle the little tyke’s mane a little bit before adjusting him to lay against my chest. I did this so that I could get to the basket easier and not worry about knocking Jack off.

“So let’s see here.....Oh! It’s a pie and a letter!” From the smell of it.....apple! Yep, it’s definitely apple! “Let’s see what the letter says.”

Dear Mr. Silas,

My son and husband told me that they’ve met the kindest and most wonderful creature out in Breezy Clearing! I couldn’t get them both to shut-up for ten minutes about you at the dinner table! Now, when Lummy came home and told me about you I admit I was a little skeptical. But when Jack came home later and had nothing but praises for you, I couldn’t help but feel my heart melt a little!

I don’t know what nice aliens like yourself eat, but me and the girls over here in Stonehaven decided to bake you a pie! I just know you’re going to love it! And make sure you visit soon!

Sincerely,

Marsha.

“Well that was nice of her,” Sunset exclaimed, making herself known again. She’d been quiet for so long, I guess I kind of forgot about her, “And it sounds like you’re long overdue for a visit!”

Did....Did she forget that little spat we had earlier. All I’m picturing right now is the ‘Aliens Guy’ with his hands flanking the word ‘Ponies’.

Oh well. No scales off my bones.

“Well I know what I’m going to do today! Studying a boring old map like this isn’t exactly my idea of a good time anyways! SO, let’s go meet some minotaurs!” I picked Jack up quickly and set him on my head, holding on to his pudgy legs as he thrusted his arms up happily. The little guy even gave a small shriek of surprise. You know, the one that causes diabetes?

I may need to get checked.

“How do you defeat a mini minotaur? Many minotaur taurs hate tar-tar sauce! YEAH THEY'RE DEFINITELY ALLERGIC TO TAR-TAR SAUCE!!!” I began singing out loud as we exited the....You know what, it’s naming time!

“Siri!” I called into my home. Sunset Shimmer was behind me, so she got a wake-up call.

“Yes, Silas?”

“The new name for my ship is.....umm.....AHA! It’s Judgement! Write it into your memory banks!” I yelled as Sunset Shimmer bumped passed me with an irritated look on her face because I was yelling over her and into my home. If I would’ve fell and hurt Jack, there would be a gold-furred jacket around my chest by this time tomorrow!

“Roger.”

And with that, I turned around and descended the steps. When all of us, save for Jack because he’s currently watching the world from up high, were on the ground, we promptly started making headway towards Stonehaven.

Jack was acting like a surrogate GPS machine.

All three of us entered the woods and continued walking for quite some time before Sunset Shimmer opened her mouth.

“Silas? How did you know I was spying on you back then?” She asked out of nowhere, coming up beside me instantly.

“Well you weren’t exactly hidden with your surroundings. I mean your colors are red, gold and yellow. Not too hard to spot in a sea of green trees. Even though it’s Fall. Which makes no sense.” I replied, watching her nod her head in understanding.

“It does. Fall starts after Autumn here on Equis. You must be thinking like the dragons, who believe Autumn and Fall are the same thing. Autumn is when the leaves begin to change colors; while Fall is when they....well...Fall.” Sunset finished as I shook my head in disbelief. You know, half this shit doesn’t even surprise me anymore.

“Silas doesn’t know his seasons~!” Jack taunted from on top of my head.

I smiled.

“Hey now! You may be small and cute, but I bet Mr.Silas could make room for a Jack burger!” I began playfully growling while shaking my head to and fro, getting surprised shrieks from the farm boy and some laughter as well. I even began playfully nipping at his feet, to which he would just squirm as I pecked at them.

“Stop it! Hehehe! It tickles!”

“Oh fine you big crybaby! Hey, is this the place?” I asked my travel guide as we exited the forest and saw a plethora of cobblestone houses with smoking chimneys and plowed fields. In the distance I could make out a massive farmhouse, made completely out of logs from trees.

Definitely where Lumber, his wife Marsha and Jack lives.

Wait.

Lumber.....and Jack......

......Lumberjack.

Seriously?

“Yep! Welcome ta’ Stonehaven, Mr. Silas!” Jack exclaimed as he bounced on my head. I settled him down by squeezing his legs and telling him to ease up. He’s not the lightest kid ever, y’know.

I took a deep inhale, getting the smell of farmland and peace into my nostrils and lungs. I gave a loud exhale, which made Sunset look at me in a confused manner.

“Is there something wrong, Silas?” She asked, prodding me in the leg with a hoof. I looked down at her and smiled.

“Nope! I’m just taking in the sights and smell of the place! Well, let’s go mingle guys!” I stated happily, to which I just began walking into the village.

This is starting to look like a pretty normal day!