A Warm Welcome And A Smokey Turnout

“So now that we’re here, where do we go to...mingle?” I asked Jack, who was still riding on top of my head.

“You could try tha’ Five-Leafed Clover! It’s Stonehaven’s premiere pub! There’s always minotaurs in that building!” Jack responded as he bent down over my head to look me in my face.

I know I shouldn't say it, but this kid has too much SWAG!!!

....Please kill me for that.

“Well you’re the one with knowledge, Jack! Lead on!” I responded with a smile, momentarily shifting my focus to look at Jack, who had his hand outstretched with a finger extended. This finger was pointing at a guide sign, which was in front of a bed of flowers.

My party of three walked up to it, getting a good look at the village’s structure and house designs.

Stonehaven was built with a ‘circular-road’ system, which means that every section of the town had a circular patch of dirt that branched off towards an establishment or home. So basically, the town starts with one circle that then leads to another, an then another, and then another and so on and so forth! Each circle contained eight or ten houses, and seemed to branch out into about five more circles before a single and winding dirt road led up to an illustration of Lumber Tree Farms.

It’s a decent sized town, which means I could’ve easily ended up lost if I didn’t have a tour guide. But thank Nicol Bolas that I did, otherwise I would’ve tried to just stroll about until I found something useful or good.

“And it looks like the F.L.C is over....here.” I turned my head, because the diagram had said that the pub was on my left. And lo’ and behold, there was a brown swinging sign with ‘Five-Leaf Clover’ written in ‘Ye Olde’ lettering out front.

The establishment itself was fairly quaint from the outside. There was a deck, with round tables that could seat four to each one as we neared the steps leading up to the front door. I was instantly assaulted with the smell of whiskey and cigars, meaning that this pub was in full-swing.

Western-style flapping doors separated us from the inside, but didn’t really stop us from going in. Jack was still on my head, and I’m still tall as shit, so I had to duck in order to avoid a crying boy.

Once inside, the humdrum of the pub stopped immediately. There were about fifty minotaurs; some standing and some sitting, with all their eyes focused on me. I looked about, keeping a hopeful grin on my face as the silence was becoming palpable.

Shit son....I’m like Clint Eastwood in this bitch!

I felt something warm lean up against the side of my thigh, letting me know that Sunset Shimmer was intimidated by these big lugs.

It was so quiet, you could probably hear two ants fuck each other senseless. No one moved an inch, and to be honest, I was starting to feel a little nervous myself. But, it’s a good thing I carry knowledge on how to dispel awkward situations like these from Earth’s movies!

“Umm....” I began as I noticed some of the patrons tense at me saying something. “....Next round’s on me?” I offered sheepishly, to which the silence continued on for a little bit.

...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................*YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!*

The pub broke out in a massive cheer! I actually didn’t know if that would work or not, and I’m pretty sure I caught two minotaurs high-five each other and say “It worked!” before going back to drinking themselves silly.

With my confidence boosted, I casually strolled into the pub and found a stool at the bar. Given my taller height compared to the rest of the minotaurs, sitting at the barstool actually proved to be immensely awkward. For one, your feet are supposed to rest on the feet-rests at the bottom.

Mine didn’t.

....Awkward Alien is Awkward.

Sunset Shimmer went off to mingle with other people and Jack was still on my head. Some of the patrons were throwing him friendly greetings while others simply returned to their drinking.

“So what can I do ya’ for, laddy?” I turned my head to gaze upon what can only be seen as a scottish-minotaur. Bright orange hair, which was short and in a bowl shape. Lime-green eyes and a white shirt eventually gave way to a red and green kilt.

Fucking hell! This guy’s a hardcore scotsman ain’t he! I was half-expecting him to rave about his wife and then destroy everything in sight with a automatic rifle in his leg! The minotaur even had the beard!

Now, I was a man of the bottle back in my day. Of course, it had to be done in secret as to avoid potential bitching from my mom and a possible charge by the police. Here? On Equis?

Shiiiiiiiit~! You best believe I’m tipping back a few! Hell I might get plastered today, just for the shits and giggles of it!

“RUM!!!” I yell out my favourite alcoholic beverage loudly. I love any drink with rum in it, and I can honestly say that drinking from the bottle itself is just as good! “I don’t care what you mix it with; how you shake it or stir it, or if you just give me the bottle! I needs my fix, man!” I did my best druggy impersonation, scratching my arm and neck simultaneously.

“Easy there, laddy!” Jessup, based on the nametag that hung on his white shirt, threw his hands up in an effort to calm me down. “I would like to let you have some of the finest rum this side of Stonehaven, but unfortunately, we ran out today. You’re not the only one who’s partial to the Pirate Nectar, laddy.”

I facepalmed, my mouth hanging in shock the entire time. Fuck me. Just....Fuck me.

“Looks like this pubs been Sparrowed.” I said with a disappointed shake of my head. I guess I’ll have to settle for something that wouldn’t even get me buzzed. Fucking minotaurs. “Can you get me some whiskey then? THE strongest you got, if it’s not too much to ask.” I say bemusedly, putting my head in my hands, then placing my elbows on the counter.

“Why is the rum gone?”

Shut the fuck up brain. You’ll be having a good time in a little bit. I’ll be taking good care of you soon.

“You got it.” And I watched as Jessup turned around, rummaging through the various bottles against the wall.

*Thump.*

I looked to my left and noticed that Jack had lept off my shoulders and onto the adjacent bar stool. That was dangerous! He could’ve seriously hurt himself! Jesus kid!

“The frak do you think you’re doing!? You could’ve fraking missed the stool you bumbling bovine boy!” I snapped, making Jack flinch a little at the sternness of my voice. He looked at me with those fucking puppy eyes that all kids make when they don’t want to get in trouble. You gotta be kidding me. I’m officially out of my element now. When it comes to cute things, I’m a fucking whore.

“Stop.....Stop making that face. It’s.....it’s not helping.” I tried lamely, to which Jack responded with the CUTEST WHIMPER I HAVE EVER HEARD OH GODS ABOVE TAKE ALL MY ‘HNNNGGGG’!!! “Fine! I’m not angry at you, if that’s what you wanted to know. Just don’t do anything that stupid again, or else me and your mom and dad are going to have a nice chat.” I quipped with an evil grin, to which Jack stiffened at.

“Is this seat taken?” I turned my head to the right, noticing a female minotaur standing next to me with a smile on her face. She has long black hair and oval-shaped glasses that hung on the bridge of her nose. The glasses sat in front of two huge orbs of orange, which seemed to highlight the orange and white scarf on her neck. White and black patches adorned her face and arms, but her legs were covered by an ankle-long plaid skirt that stopped above a pair of black and shiny loafers. Her shirt was nothing more than a white collar one, with black buttons holding it together.

She was rather built, her arm muscles protruding as her hands tightened around a book she was holding around the vicinity of her crotch. (No, I wasn’t looking you fucking locusts!) She also seemed young in the face, probably around her mid-twenties.

“Uh.....no, no, go ahead.” I waved a hand over the seat as she did a little curtsy and took the stool. She placed the book down on the counter and tapped its face twice, bringing Jessup to her in a whoosh of orange.

How the fuck does something that huge, move that fast!?

“Oh, Ms.Lehigh! I just noticed ya! What can I do ya for!?” Jessup was sweating fucking meteors. Whoever bessy may be, she definitely wears the pants around here!

“Hello to you too, Jessup. I’d like any red wine you have, and please make sure it’s aged appropriately.” Her voice was silky and smooth, almost like a spider’s web. I instantly had my guard up. Something doesn’t seem right with this chick.

“Of course!” And with that, Jessup slid my glass and bottle of ‘Bull’s Tonic’ whiskey at me before disappearing.

I grabbed that glass, but missed the bottle.

“Ah shit!” I made an attempt to catch my booze with a hand, but I was stopped by a white and black hand that had a surprisingly forceful grip on it. I quirked my eyebrow up at the woman as she snatched the bottle from its course with her tail. It was spotted like her, but the tail ball was all black.

“Whoops. You almost dropped it!” She slid my bottle back down the counter with her tail, to which I responded with a quick grab. I gave her a nod in thanks as Jessup appeared with her drink and bottle instantly.

Horny fucknut. You couldn’t bring me my shit when I ordered it, but when an attractive woman sallies up to the bar you bend over backwards and fist yourself!?

Up yours, Jessy.

“Is there anything else you need, Miss Lehigh?” The cow shook her head, to which Jessup bowed and then left.

You can now add kissass to the list of lovely qualities Jessup has. Lonely fuck probably gets no play, so he tries seducing the nearest thing with a cleavage. Come to think of it, most of the bulls in this pub were looking at her like a good slice of pie.

A-MARE-ican pie.

“A pleasure to meet you, Mister Silas. My name is Donna Lehigh, and I’m the proud CEO of Crossroads Milking Incorporated.” She reached out a hand for me to shake, to which I quickly obliged. Amidst all my swearing and curt attitude, I’m the perfect gentleman.

“Wow. Jack must’ve really been talking about me in order for the locals to know about me already! But you know kids, once you tell them something, they’ll no doubt find someway to skew the story a hundred times before telling it.” I shook her hand quickly, noticing just how soft her hands were. Oh dear god it was like having satin pressed against your hands!

“However,” I began as I broke off the handshake prematurely, to which she raised an eyebrow at, “I don’t really see why a wealthy businesswoman like yourself would be here, in Stonehaven. I already know that Lumber Tree Farms is the largest organization in this town, which makes me wonder on why you’re here. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate your gesture in greeting me, I just know there’s an ulterior motive behind it. Now that pleasantries are over, I trust you’re here to talk business?” I sat back, fully accustomed to how her kind thinks based on various movies I watched on Earth.

Donna had this look of incredulity plastered on her face, as if my perception was unbelieveable. She shook herself from it and poured the red liquid into the wine glass, which was shining by the way. Clearly, this woman got what she wanted handed to her on a silver platter made from condensed angel tears.

Getting back on track, she promptly lifted the glass to her lips daintily, throwing me a sideways glance as she swallowed....loudly.

Oh she’s good.....

“I see you’re very adept at drinking, Ms.Lehigh.” I began as I picked up my whole bottle and chugged it down in ten seconds flat. I orchestrated my rather long tongue into slowly licking the dribble of ale that had somehow missed my maw.

It didn’t burn when it went down, because after turning to the bottle when I was only sixteen, the pain was unnoticeable. I guess this body also has high alcohol tolerance, or a goddamn god-tier liver.

“Well, when you have the ample time to enjoy a good vini like I, then you pick up on....technique.” She was laying it on thick. She was also leaning towards me, the backs of her hands underneath her chin.  Almost as thick as those birthing hips of her’s that seemed ready to drop to the ground should she lean any harder. For all you kids out there, I describing how perfect her hips and ass are.

And while I’m on the subject of perfect, I must say that Sunset Shimmer, who was walking up towards the bar, had the most perfect angry face I’ve ever seen!

“In this corner we have the horny and beautiful Donna Lehigh, who’s able to wet underwear with a bat of an eye! And in this corner, we have the nerdy yet angry Sunset Shimmer, whose wrath is like the white hot intensity of a million white suns! Place your bets and protect your balls; It’s gonna be a helluva night, ladies and gentleman!” The announcer’s voice rung through my head as Sunset Shimmer levitated Jack out of the bar stool and then outside of the pub altogether.

With an audible *flumph*, the mare sat down and leaned over to hear our conversation.

“A friend of yours, Mister Silas?” Donna asked as she pointed a finger at Sunset. She was obviously playing the ‘You’re an unwanted bar wench who shouldn’t be butting in’ card!

“And a devastating right hook connects, thrown by the voluptuous Donna Lehigh!”

“I’m his personal escort and friend, Sunset Shimmer. Is there something we can help you with, Ms. Cow?” Sunset snapped that last word clean in two! As Mordecai and Rigby would say.....

.....OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

“And the fiery mare responds with a devastating uppercut right into the pride! I don’t care what galaxy you’re from; that’s gotta hurt!” Most of the bar was paying attention now.

“Oh I know all about you, Ms. Shimmer,” She took the time to even lay a hand on my chest, which I felt her shudder and grab minutely, before pushing back in order to get into Sunset’s face, “And you’re little drunk tirade that got you exiled from this town in the first place. Something about aliens and tentacl-”

*ZIIIIIIIIPPP!* Donna found it hard to speak with a red magical zipper closing her flytrap.

I’ve seen enough hentai to know where that was headed! Of course, that was back in my human days, so I really can’t count that against me. Anyways, Donna was zipped up at the mouth, literally, and Sunset had the most menacing of glares aimed in her direction.

“Listen here you rich bitch! I don’t know what you were planning, but I’m stopping it here and now! Now you take your fat ass back to the corporation you crawled out from, or I’m gonna ask Silas for his opinion on well-done steak!” Sunset banged both of her hooves on the counter, blowing a puff of white air from her nose as she snorted vehemently.

Donna looked just as steamed, but she closed her eyes and took a deep breath before throwing a look of understanding at Sunset Shimmer; who, in turn, unzipped her mouth.

“If you must know, Ms.Shimmer; I was actually sent here in order to acquire intel on the alien. The Transcontinental Investigative Tracking Squads are secretly trying to have Mr.Silas here locked up for testing.” She harshly whispered, narrowing her eyes at Sunset Shimmer who looked taken aback by her statement.

I, however, promptly fell out of my chair laughing. I was clutching my sides and kicking my feet, joyous tears coming from my eyes as I clenched them shut in my uproar. Donna, Jessup, Sunset and all the other minotaurs just sat there and looked at me with raised eyebrows.

Once I came down from my fit of laughter, I shakily stood back up, still moaning in laughter but coming down nevertheless. Once I climbed back into my seat, I tried my best at hiding the grin and whines that would escape every now and then.

“That was rude. What was so funny about that?” Donna asked as she looked like she was literally struck.

“Are you for real right now? They better change their name!” I chuckled as I thought about the name again. But the time for laughing and amusement was over, because some type of evil organization wants to chop me up. Which reminds me...

“Donna.” I made my voice low so that I couldn't be heard by the minotaurs in the tavern with us three. “If that’s even your real name. How do you know what the *snort* Transcontinental Investigative Tracking Squads are doing?” She kept a calm expression up, but Sunset narrowed her eyes in realization at what I was hinting at.

Donna then sighed deeply and reached for her face, taking her glasses off and folding them up after reaching them. She then placed them on the counter and poured herself another glass of wine, to which she downed in her dainty manner.

The bar had returned to its loud clamor from before, which I was thankful of. It gave me a sense of secrecy, and I could tell that Donna and Shimmer felt the same way.

“You’re quite good, Mr.Silas.” Donna said after waiting for five minutes.

“I try.” I responded bitterly, not really feeling up for games right now. “Now, if you’ll forgive my tone of voice because I’m highly irritated, answer my question.”

“Donna Lehigh is, in fact, a real person. I am Donna Lehigh, CEO of Crossroads Milking Incorporated, but I’m also an Agent for the Transcontinental Investigative Tracking Squads.” I tensed up, ready for any type of Agent ambush. I was half-expecting a million Agent Smith-looking motherfuckers to come out of nowhere and start impaling all the minotaurs in the pub, adding to their numbers.

I don’t fucking trust ‘Agents’. They’re sneaky fucks.

“So, what does this mean for us?” I was reaching, ever so sneakily, for my katana hidden on my back. I also felt some type of energy coming from the left of me, which could only mean that Sunset Shimmer was preparing for shit to get real as well.

“Well....seeing as how I’m a Double Agent....Freedom. But we’re gonna have to move fast, because they could be just around the cor- DUCK AND COVER YOUR MOUTH!!!”

Sunset’s face became confused as both me and Donna ducked instantly, but she didn’t have time to follow us as the sound of a dull thump alerted me to her unconscious body being slumped in front of me.

Donna and I had somehow managed to find our way to the floor, and could see just what had knocked Sunset out cold. The air was thick with a green and yellow smog, of which I easily determined to be a type of knockout gas. I instantly covered my mouth and nose, hoping that some of the harmful air hadn’t invaded my nostrils.

The pub’s door was kicked in, and the sound of what sounded like vials breaking filled the room. I noticed that the room was suddenly quiet, save for what sounded like dog claws tapping against hardwood flooring.

“Get bulls quick. Alphas, want three. At least one.” I....remember that broken dialect from the show. Are they....Diamond Dogs!?

*tap tap tap.*

This could get confusing without proper explanation. Here’s how it went down. I was facing towards Sunset Shimmer, who was currently laid out on the floor in front of me. Now, because I was facing Sunset Shimmer, the door was located behind us. So you wouldn’t be wrong in assuming that I was freaking out when those three taps were on my legs.

“PleasegoawayPleasegoawayPleasegoaway.....” I kept repeating the sentence over and over. But the tapping only had more force added to it. A padded foot passed by my head, *clik-claking* on the hardwood floor as they passed by my head......

.....And stopped in front of Sunset Shimmer’s unconscious body.

....Shit.

*TAP TAP TAP*

I haven’t been so scared in my life! That’s right, I admit it! I’m close to pissing myself right now. Still, my worries about it being a Diamond Dog left as soon as I heard some slow dragging sounds coming from behind me. I forgot about Donna.

Thankfully, the smog was still thick enough to conceal my head movement as I looked back at her slowly. I still had my hand clasped around my mouth so that none of the fumes could get in; and I noticed that Donna had hers over her mouth as well.

She jabbed her other hand’s thumb, the one that she wasn’t using to cover her mouth, back towards the door a couple of times. I got the hint, but I jabbed my own thumb back at Sunset’s unconscious body. Donna shook her head sternly, and looked at me with pleading eyes.

“What the hell do I do!!?? I can’t just leave the mare behind!!! SHITHSHITSHITSHIT!!!” If you’re wondering why I started swearing, it’s because a pair of black furry feet stopped in front of my face. A gruff voice came later.

“Gamma, found dragon! What do with?”

"Dat broken english....."

“Smoke thick, can’t see.” I heard a distant voice call out from the recesses of the pub. “Keep talking. See if I find.” And with that, the Diamond Dog to my left took to constantly barking. I was praying to God, Buddha, Celestia, Nicol Bolas and pretty much every superpower in existence.

I had little time left, what with this Fido-Fucker barking like he broke his toe, so I looked back at Donna and noticed she was gone.

“Did they take her!? Oh shit. Based on the show, the Diamond Dogs were known to take ponies as slaves in order to mine gems for them! Does that extend to minotaurs and gryphons as well!?” Wasting no time, I immediately began thinking about different escape plans that would allow me to rescue Sunset Shimmer and Donna from....

“This him, Schromah?” A high voice asked, but it was tinged with some authority.

..............................SHIT!

“Yes Boss. He look sleep, but me not sure. Should take?”

“....Hmph. Take drake. Alphas happy, will be.”

*KRRACK! THUMP!*

From the corner of my eye I saw a tan-furred Diamond Dog fall on his face, a black belt holstering many vials slung around his waist. I also noticed how the Dog had a resemblance to a terrier.

Well...not anymore.

“Gamma!? Gamma okay!?” The dog to my left knelt down in order to inspect his dead leader.

It’s now or never!

I quickly hopped up, reached for my katana and pulled it out.

“Exacuere Gladium Meum.!!!” I yelled out.

*SHING! WOOSH!*

I cut through the dog’s neck like a butter knife does butter. Its head didn’t even jerk as my sword went through seamlessly, but the dog did offer a surprised grunt before falling forwards. Once its head hit the floor, it rolled out of place and towards the dead body of the Gamma.

“Flap your wings! Clear it out!” I heard Donna’s voice yell, to which I tried just simply flapping my wings. When they didn’t move, I became cross. I then started feeling for something different in my back, and when I found the offending presence of an extra muscle, I acted upon it swiftly.

It was like shrugging your shoulders, but doing it with your back. With a massive rush of air, the green and yellow smokescreen was filtered outside. Donna rushed over to me with a worried expression on her face.

“Are you alright?” She asked as I folded my wings (Practice flying later!) and placed my katana back in its sheath. “They didn’t hurt you, right?” I noticed how she had began inspecting my whole body with her eyes, which creeped me out to no end.

“Stop checking me out. And yes, ‘Donna’, I’m fine! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a knocked out mare that needs some help in waking back up.”

"She saved my life, and now she acts like we grew up together? Fuck you. I don't even know who you are! You even *lied* to me and you expect me to trust you!? Up. Yours."

I turned around and stopped mid-step. My eyes widened at the only reasoning for what was in front of me.

Except that there was nothing......

.................Sunset Shimmer’s been kidnapped......